I ran across a very good story in the Ft. Worth Star-Telegram:
A new attitude: Help your children change the way they thinkPosted by Tiger at May 6, 2003 06:19 PM | TrackBackCox News Service
When parents encounter discipline problems with their children, they typically consider various systems of rewards and punishments. Consequences influence behaviors.That approach is simple, reasonable and generally helpful. But in addition to changing how children behave, it is also important to focus on how children think about themselves and the world. The way we think has an important influence on the way we act.
Children, as well as adults, develop all kinds of faulty belief systems. One of the most common is the notion that "I have no control over the things that happen to me." They attribute the good things that happen to them as due to luck. When bad things occur, it is someone else's fault.
In working with these youngsters, it is crucial to help them change the way they think and feel, as well as the way they behave.
How can you help your child change from victim to victor?
• Timing is everything. The time to challenge your child's faulty belief system is not when she is upset. If your 9-year-old just had a fight with a friend, don't lecture her on her bossy attitude.
• Talk about choices. At the appropriate time, help youngsters appreciate that every action involves a choice on their part. Help them in developing lists of alternatives about how to handle a situation. Don't criticize any choice, but help them think through all the possible consequences of each course of action. With younger children, it is helpful to write down various options on a large piece of paper. Older children may wish to keep a journal.
• Start early. Develop a language of empowerment with your preschooler. Talk about choices, control, options and consequences. Don't do so, however, when you are correcting young children's misbehavior. Inappropriate behavior should be handled with immediate consequences. The time for talking is after their behavior has been firmly corrected.
• Don't lecture. Directly challenging a faulty belief system is rarely successful. Be subtle. Ask questions. Listen. Paraphrase back what your child says to you. Help her think about things in different ways. But never accept the answer, "There is nothing I can do about it." "I don't know" is usually a child's way of saying "leave me alone" or "I'm too lazy to think."
• Don't assume responsibility for all your child's real or perceived problems. Let your child develop his own solutions. It's OK for your child to fail. Recovery from failure teaches children a valuable lesson about their own emotional resilience.
• Focus on positives, not just problems. The goal is for your child to see his accomplishments as generally due to his ability and determination, not chance. If your child brings home a good report card, don't simply compliment the grades. Mention that you've noticed that she has been working harder on her homework.