[this one is a rag because I am chiding myself for using up all this valuable space with my petty problems]
It was a grand and glorious day today. And yet, I awoke with the same melancholy feelings as usual. I have been searching for a meaning to my existence for quite some time. I am widowed and have no children. My romantic interests are centered toward changing the last fact as much as seeking a shared existence with someone of the opposite sex. As such, I am continually searching within a group of prospective mates that seldom find any interest in starting life with a man from the previous generation. I do not enjoy being in such position and can easily understand why someone almost half my age would give me only a passing glance without consideration of romantic potential.
My parents have already passed away. My brother, sister and I were left the assets that were left over at the end of their lives. It was not a large sum. As it stands now, if I was to die in my current situation, everything I currently have would go to my sister and brother. Does this give me any impetus toward wanting to be more successful than I am? Do I have reason to do more than the absolute minimum to get by?
Thankfully, I have a passion for solving puzzles; I thrive on doing things better and more efficiently than average; I have a high regard for my responsibilities; and I love observing life in all its forms. So my life has some purpose, but little more. I amass knowledge, perform duties, collect payments, pay bills, eat, sleep, get up, repeat, wipe hands on pants.
I live in a small town. A very small town. I chose this town to be my home because I felt that this town actually needed me. I sorely needed to be some place that needed me to be there, not just some place where they had space for one more body. I lived in the previous situation for too long and was stuck behind too many other bodies everywhere I went or drove.
One of the most delightful things about small town life is to be recognized by someone wherever you happen to be in town. I lived in Dallas for 15 years and knew less about fewer people than those with whom I became familiar within the first six months of living here.
There are problems with living in a small town. The utilities either are substandard or take full advantage of being a monopoly; services that are commonly available in competitive marketplaces are nonexistent when there are no real choices.
Likewise, media coverage is limited to the local weekly paper which does little more than report the last week's rainfall, give information about every car wreck, fire or arrest that was made in the last week, and, without comment, provide information about the decisions made in last City Council meeting or County Commissioners Court. There are no editorials and no "Letters to the Editor." At 50 cents, it is a small price to pay for clues to where the garage sales are for the next weekend or for something to replace the lining in the bottom of the birdcage.
Most news travels along the grapevine here. That is the delightful part of small town life: everyone knows everyone and both good and bad news travel fast. Of course, the grapevine is as likely to be as honest and reliable a source as we lately have come to expect from the NY Times. Everything you hear (anywhere, anytime) is questionable. I just watch and listen. I puzzle about what it all means. It does give me something to do while I await the discovery of the mother of my children to be.
Posted by Tiger at May 29, 2003 05:14 PMI don't get so much as a passing glance.
Fortunately, I do have two children to spread the dust over me when the time comes.
Posted by: CGHill at May 29, 2003 07:38 PMYes, I sometimes wonder who will scatter my ashes after I am gone.
I once thought with all of these reality shows going on, maybe someone would have 15 ladies who would woo me, the winner being the one who I chose, married, bore my children and was still with me at the time of my death. At such point, the winner would collect the million dollar prize.
With term life policies, such might be a possibility without the networks getting involved. My current life insurance policy pays out to a person who has been dead since 1994. I could change it, but to whom?
Posted by: Tiger at May 29, 2003 08:15 PMTiger, don't despair...there is no doubt in my mind that your One True Love will come along. Patience, while a virtue, also happens to suck...but trust me on this.
And re: small town living...is it even remotely possible that you might pick up your stakes and re-locate? Just curious.
Posted by: David at May 30, 2003 10:31 AMI actually thought long and hard about my decision when I chose to move here. I can foreseeably see that there may be some great opportunity come along that would require me to relocate: getting elected to Congress or the Presidency. However, I had the unusual opportunity to actually pick the town I wanted to be my hometown. I picked this one. There is a lot to like about this town.
Posted by: Tiger at May 30, 2003 10:45 AMI was in the middle of some web searches and came across this posting of yours. I too go through the day to day motions of life myself. I doubt I will ever find true love and miss the companionship of a mate, yet I carry on day after day. Even though I have two daughters (16 & 11) that keeps me occupied, I yearn for a meaningful relationship and at times ponder the meaning of life. I do live in Dallas and it is difficult to meet anyone but I don't bother to look anymore, I have given up trying, but I will carry on and when my children are grown and out of the house, I know the loneliness I experience now will be magnified one day.
Posted by: Pati at October 16, 2003 10:13 AM