I sit around often and just reflect upon my life. I often come to the conclusion that my life is less than worthwhile and that it is completely without a point. I have held this opinion for several years. I know there are many who would see me and wonder why or how I could feel this way. I am a moderately successful person who has more than my share of material items, a trustworthy car, a nice pace to live, and I seem to eat well. So, some might wonder what my problem is.
I guess the biggest part of my problem is that I am lonely. I hate not having anyone awaiting me when I come home, to have someone with which to share experiences, and that feeling that there is someone who really cares about me. I had that once, and it was marvelous. That dream that I had for my life when I graduated High School was firmly on track and proceeding. Then, all of a sudden, that all came to a screeching halt. That happens when your young wife suddenly develops a life-ending disease.
Of course, I do not have to be lonely. It is not like someone does not come into my life on occasion who seems inclined to be my companion, but there is still that unfulfilled dream to consider, that dream than came to a screeching halt on August 3, 1994 when my wife died, childless. That was the day I lost my focus on who I was, where I was going, and what I was supposed to be.
The children were a big part of my dream. I wanted to have a good job, a loving wife and a child or two to carry my genes into the future. Children are our immortality, for, through them, a part of you continues on and on, for as long as your blood line continues. My bloodline is coming to an end with me, it seems, as I have not been able to find a suitable mate to produce those prospective leaders of the future. I am failing in my life's purpose.
Sometimes I think Give up on your dream and find happiness with someone with whom you enjoy being, then other times I think Don't settle for someone who cannot and/or will not assist you in fulfilling your dream. Then there are the really dark difficult hours when I think Just give it all up. There are those times when my life really wears heavy on me, and those are the times it is really hard to be alone.
Posted by Tiger at August 4, 2003 01:31 PM | TrackBackI can totally relate to some of what you're feeling. Hang in there! Everything will eventually work itself out.
Posted by: Ursula at August 4, 2003 02:45 PMTiger,
I've tried marriage/and common law relationships too many times and I'm alone now EXCEPT FOR: my 2 cats, 1 dog, 3 baby chickens, fish, my sister, my sister's cats, fish and a pen full of chickens.........pet's help cure a lot of my loneliness.
After our divorce, my first wife died and I raise my sons thru their teen years.....a real cure for loneliness.
My Denverite son became a widower at age 39 with my granddaughter and he is VERY lonely.
I guess the answer is to keep on ''plugging".
In addition to my animals, this blog business I have evolved into is also a cure for me.
PEACE (not bad for no CAPS)
Posted by: oldcatman at August 4, 2003 02:52 PMTiger,
If I had the power to change what happened in August '94, I would do it in a heartbeat.
I sit here feeling helpless for a man whose face I've never actually seen, whose voice I've never actually heard, whose hand I haven't shaken yet, and yet I still call him a dear friend--and mean it. I wipe tears from my eyes, crying about a woman I never had the privelige to meet. I lift my eyes up and beg the world around me to help you find happiness.
If I could bring her back, whole, I would. If it meant my blood would be spilled, I'd spill it with no regrets. If it meant I lost my right arm, I'd lose it without a question on my lips.
Know that someone who has never met you loves you dearly, Tiger. I'd hug you if I could. I'd take you in my arms like a child and sing lullabyes to you until the pain faded from your heart and your eyes brightened again... Please, please please hang in there, Tiger, don't give up. Please. Someone has faith in you, and that someone is me.
--TwoDragons
Posted by: TwoDragons at August 4, 2003 03:00 PMThat's a wound that'll leave a scar forever. But, I know people who've found happiness after such experiences.
The important thing is not to give up.
Believe it or not, the funny thing is, I honestly think a good option to explore is a company called eHarmony. You joke, but I know quite a bit about how to find a mate this way (having done it myself, and written on the subject extensively) and I must say it's about the best service I've ever seen in that regard.
I'm quite serious. Shoot me a note if you want to learn more.
Posted by: Dean Esmay at August 4, 2003 11:36 PMWhat can someone say to another to make everything alright? Im not sure, but I do know that pain hurts and it subsides, it never goes away, and believe it or not thats a good thing. The remembrance of the pain is what makes the new days worth while, and the sun shine a bit brighter. There is yet another soul out there searching for you, wanting to be with you, and wanting to bring your dream to light.. open your eyes, but more importantly open your heart again. You found love once and it found you, so you know what to look for. Go get em Tiger..
( LINKED here from margilowery.com )
Posted by: Jefferey McDowell at August 5, 2003 03:25 PM