Read My Lips - the blog

A likely story [must read extended entry]

OK, I know, I have been absent for awhile. So, here is what happened. Wednesday morning, I arose and went through my regular morning ritual, and took a hot bath as usual to relax my muscles and joints. As I was stepping out of the bathtub onto the wet floor, my foot slipped and I fell headlong onto the floor and across it and became wedged in the space between the toilet and the sink cabinet with both of my arms pinned beneath me. My head was resting againt the wall havin' pushed my chin into my breast bone. I could not move my arms. My legs would not touch the wall on the other side of the tub and one was resting under me with my foot restin' against the side of the tub while the knee of the other what pinned on the lip of the tub. I was naked. The floor stunk of urine. I could not move. I could not move my head enough to open my mouth to yell and the best I could muster sounded like a whimper.

Now I am not going to bore you with the thoughts spinnin' through my mind as I lay there helpless with my face pressed into a floor reekin' of my own piss, but I can tell you that knowing it was all my own piss was among one of the more cheerful ones I had. As I lay there for hour after hour and day after day, my throat got so parched there were a few times I wished that piss had not been dried. I imagined several times the stories that would circulate when they found my dead naked body wedged in the space between the toilet and sink, and what kind of sexual perversion they would think of to explain why I was lickin' the dried piss off of my bathroom floor while I was naked. Thankfully I was able to sleep a lot. In fact, I seemed to be able to do little else but sleep and to think of the endless possibilities.

I don't even think I heard when the fire department crashed through the door. My earliest recollection was of being touched and muffled voices. I finally roused from my predicament induced stupor and relished as someone jerked the cabinet away, and was wholly unconcerned when the water began to spray from the pipes because as they were picking me up to roll me onto a stretcher, I was tryin' as hard as I could to lap a few drops of the spray from the busted pipes.

Well, I am back from the hospital and surprisingly, all but losin' 10 pounds and havin' some really severely chapped lips, I am in pretty good shape. I guess I am lucky that my friend at the convenience store after havin' seen my car not move for several days, me not stoppin' in to get a Dr. Pepper from time to time, etc. became concerned. It did take considerable effort on his part to actually get the volunteer fire department to destroy my front door, they only havin' done so after havin' consulted the local justice of peace. Thankfully, very few people were really involved with the actual details of my predicament and hopefully, as agreed between those with full knowledge, it will not be published in the local paper

There is an up-side to this story, though. I am thoroughly convinced that I do not have telepathy.

There is not a bit of truth to that story. Got that! The real reason for my disappearance from bloggin' ? That is anyone's guess. As I felt that all of my loyal fans were entitled to a good explanation for my absense, I provided one. I do so hope it is satisfactory.

Posted by notGeorge at December 28, 2003 06:50 PM | TrackBack