February 27, 2004

Another Friday night and I ain't got nuthin' to do worth really doin'

Well, I just finished another long week of work and the weekend has arrived. By the old clock on the wall, the time now is just shy of 7:00 pm. Millions of Texans havin' run through the drive thru window at the bank to cash their paycheck and are home pullin' on their tightest jeans, eager to go fill their bellies full of frosty beer and scoot a few boots across a sawdust covered floor. Others are discussin' with their friends and sweeties what movie they are all gonna go see tonight. Some are just gonna snuggle on the couch and catch some reruns on the tube. I ain't into the drinkin' and dancin' scene any longer, even though my butt does still look good in a pair of tight fittin' jeans ... I cannot think of a single movie I wanna go see or even rent. I ain't even interested in seein' what is on the TV. I fuckin' hate bein' alone ... seriously. But even more than that, I hate playin' games with women my age who think I am cute and crud when women my age have no way of ever givin' me what I want. I have tried it, and no matter how often you attempt to tell some gal that you ain't interested in anythin' long term because they can never offer you that one thing that will make you happy, they somehow thing they can change your mind. I wanna share somethin' with all of you, men and women alike that I have learned in my almost half century of life. You cannot change other people ... period. There ain't no sense in tryin' because it ain't happenin'. People do change, but you don't change them, they change themselves. Now, sure some change themselves to please others, but most change themselves to please themselves, and if that somehow ends up pleasin' others, so be it.

I have made up my mind that I am not gonna make a lifetime commitment to any person that cannot bear our children. Fuck it that I am almost fifty years old. Fuck it that I lost a young wife and was distraught and depressed for a number of years. I fuckin' have everythin' to offer that men half my age have to offer and more: financial stability, maturity, and patience. I just guess it is hard to find someone as old as your dad to be physically attractive. I know I sure am not all that attracted to women my mother's age. Maybe my life ended a decade ago when my wife died, or maybe I am just an idiot to think that I should have someone to carry my genes into the future. Fuck it. Hot bath and bed, that sounds like a good plan. Hell, I got a damn library behind me, maybe I will look for a book to read. Yeah, I might as well do that 'cause I sure as fuck ain't got nuthin' better to do. I can lay in bed and read that book, rest it on my navel. It's funny how navels really do make good places to rest books, huh? I learned that many many years ago when I was a small child. My mom always said she always felt strange when she would send us kids up to our rooms for bein' too rambunctious or somethin' 'cause when she would look in on us, I was usually just layin' there readin' a book, not at all bothered by it. She said she never felt like I was punished at all. I, of course, knew that the usual reason we were sent to our rooms was so that she could find a few quiet moments to read whatever book she was readin' at the time.

Ain't it funny how we really do change over time? From my earliest memories, I was always an avid reader, and yet since law school, I seldom ever read for pleasure anymore. Is it because I read constantly as a part of my profession, that readin' has now truncated itself into my psyche as a chore?

Of course, speakin' of books, I still got three in the works that I have done nuthin' to in months. Why is that? What is it that makes my interests ebb and flo? I do so wonder about that? I know that most of our mental processin' is highly dependent upon chemicals, and I wonder about the chemical balances in my brain from time to time. Just what is my potassium level? Is my sodium level in balance? Is my liver adequately removin' ammonia from my blood stream? Did I destroy too many brain cells binge drinkin' in my twenties? What are the lead levels in my body? How about mercury? Asbestos? Teflon? Or is it just simple depression that drives my lack of interest in attainin' any wealth, fame, or recognition? Or is it that I find there are so few who are actually all that interested in what I write here on a daily basis, that I have developed the impression that my writin' is much less entertainin' than I previously thought, that my ideas are less ingenious than I believed, and that I am not the next J.K. Rowling. Fuck it. There really ain't no fuckin' sense of gettin' rich or bein' anyone if ya are just gonna die one day and leave no one behind to appreciate your accomplishments and live off of your estate, huh?

Well, if you got this far, you deserve a prize. Give me some suggetions -- after all, I might be rich some day -- provided that I ever pull my head outta my ass and banish the dark cloud that is hoverin' over my head. Don't hold your breath, however, as that could be highly hazardous to your health. We don't need no fuckin' Surgeon General to spread that news. End of report.

Posted by notGeorge at February 27, 2004 07:40 PM

As another bookworm who is home alone in her pajamas at 9pm on a Friday night, I certainly understand. I had a student who I consider a friend tell me not to settle and eventually you will find that ONE. I hope it happens for you!


Posted by: Tink at February 27, 2004 07:55 PM

Yep, I am even another Texan sitting at home in my polar bear pj's on a friday night, alternating my glances between the computer and my television set. Heck, I live in a college town, so I suppose if I got all dressed up and went out, I COULD find something going on, but why bother - I did my time there and know that it's not where I'm gonna find where I want.

And just so ya know, Tiger, I, for one, am glad you're not J.K. Rowling. Yep, you'd be rich and lots of kids would be reading your books, but you'd also be British and Lord knows, you are much better off as a Texan than a stuffy Brit. You can't get more boring than the British. Ha ha.

Still readin' your words of wisdom...

Posted by: The Patriette at February 27, 2004 09:47 PM

You are too young for the shape you are in.
Being stuck in a loss will do that.
Getting unstuck will take the right kind of help, but it can be done. The results are unbelievable.

You can return to your earlier state of vitality and roll back the losses of the last twenty years. I know it can be done - from my own experience.

Meanwhile, keep up the good fight. We are all rooting for you.

Posted by: David at March 2, 2004 07:44 AM