What with the Thursday holiday messin' up my internal clock, I had plumb forgot that today was Friday and that the time was ripe for postin' this week's Friday Jokes* Funny™. Thankfully the standard group of Google searchers lookin' for a bit of Friday humor unknowin'ly keyed me in to my neglect of duty. Without further ado, in an effort to assist all ya'll ladies who are beginnin' your Christmas shoppin' on this busiest shoppin' day of the year, I graciously present today's offerin':
Gifts For MenI know some of ya'll gals are laughin' your heads off right now at this list, but to give ya the full 411, there is much truth within the foregoin'. As a piece of advice for ya'll young married gals that are wantin' to give your man a gift that will put a smile on his face but ain't got a pot to piss in 'cause the entire family budget is heavily invested in baby formula and Huggies®: get yourself a good Sharpie® and a decent scrap of paper (the back of a Walmart receipt for your most recent purchase of baby formula and Huggies® is ideal) and write good for one "no questions asked" excuse. Put it in an envelope, seal it, then, wearin' your favorite color of lipstick, put the imprint of your lips on it and put it under the tree. He'll love it. I guarantee it!Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these RULES and you should have no problem:
#1. When in doubt-buy him a cordless drill. It doesn't matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
#2. If you cannot afford the above, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey, George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "Okay, by the way are you through with my 3/8 socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
#3. If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99 cent scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
#4. Do not buy men socks. DO NOT BUY MEN TIES. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he would not have invented jockey shorts.
#5. You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have WORN out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips and flips and flips. Forget the program, your entertainment is watching him have fun!
#6. Do not buy a man industrial sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I' m told they do not stink…they are earthy.
#7. Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks, shorts, cups, saucers, door, locks, sink" You get the idea. No one knows why.
#8. Never buy a man anything and then tell him he should read the instructions because the box says, "some assembly required," because it will ruin his Special Day. He will always have parts left over.
#9. Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook…but they will bar-b-que. Get him a monster bar-b-que with a 100 pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill!" The challenge! Who wants a hamburger.
#10. Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why, please refer to Rule #7 and give due consideration to what happens when he gets a label maker.
#11. It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
#12. Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says, "I love you," like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
*Some of ya'll might have noticed that I recently changed the category name from Friday Funny™ to Friday Jokes Funny™ and wondered at the change. Well, I noticed a steady flow of Google searches each Friday usin' the search string "friday jokes" were failin' to find my Friday Funny™ category archives. I thereby added the struck out portion solely in an effort to assist Google searchers. That is jes' the sort of guy I am.