Jalapeño Burns, discovered via Blog Explosion, has jes' become my favorite blog, and its creator, Jesse Gersten, is the funniest blogger out there, sans none, be it Scrappleface, Frank J, or even myself, which to me, is really sayin' somethin'. Jesse confesses to bein' a comedian. Jes' below the blog title is the followin':
Hello. You’ve mistakenly entered the blog of Comedian Jesse Gersten. Unless you enjoy reading bizarre tales filled with freak accidents, albino squirrels, and chocolate sushi, then I admonish you to turn off your computer without delay and do something that makes you happy, like reading a book about birds. If you foolishly decide to stay, then I only hope that you try to enjoy yourself. If not, I hope you get Hoof-and-Mouth Disease, or some other equally delightful ailment.By my estimation, he is the real deal. I don't get a lot of stations and rarely see much of the current comics, 'cept I did really get kinda hooked on Last Comic Standin' 'til they nixed that chubby guy with the real long hair. I liked him. I kinda thought the judges were wrong on that one, though really think the show started collidin' with some other show or maybe bloggin'. Who knows? I ain't even sure who was the last comic standin'? It don't really matter, does it? Heck, all them finalists was funny as that peculiarly hot and sulfur-odored place in the netherworld ~really tryin' to clean up the language here, boss -- gotta get them Google ads~, but then I digress. I refilled my prescription today. I wish. ;) SHUT UP, YOU GUYS! I AM TRYIN' TO BLOG HERE! Dang voices in my head -- they're aliens, I think, kinda like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, only there are at least two of them up there and they jes' say all these really weird things, like all the time, ya know? STOP THAT! Man, I jes' got one really nasty picture shoved into my consciousness: alien roadkill. Yikes - let me trademark that 'fore someone tries to use it for a blog name: Alien Roadkill™. No really. If ya want it, you can have it. All I want is your first born child. WOAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Strike That! Make that, all I want is your first born child that has yet been conceived. That first scenario suddenly allowed me to envision some momma of the next, who? [I really don't want to offend anyone] ~Let's jes' pick a name~ whatta ya say, John Wayne Mauler, serial killer extraordinaire, to be, currently aged 8, massacres cats and dogs daily and just stares at ya when ya talk to him? You know the kind. He is prolly standin' right behind ya right now wonderin' why ya don't know that he really really wants a bowl of Cheerios. He's holdin' a knife. His eyes look cold and glazed. WHAT'RE YA DOIN' SITTIN' HERE? Go get that boy a bowl of Cheerios! I'll wait! ~involved in personal conversation with aliens infestin' head while you are tendin' to that blossomin' maraudin' murderer of the future~ So, any cuts and bruises? Should I alert 9-1-1? No? OK, so I was sayin' that, as far as I know, Jesse Gersten could be a real, honest to George,* professional stand-up comedian, like me. What? Ya doubt me? Well, I could send little John Wayne Mauler over to your house and have him teach you a lesson. Oh wait! He's there already, eatin' Cheerios. ~take your pill~ SHUT UP! They can hear ya, ya know? 'Sides, I'm out of 'em, 'member? Uh, ya'll jes' forget that las' part, OK? It was kinda private. Like really really private, really really really private.** So go, go check out Jesse's site. Seriously! It's funny. [I wrote that last part that way on purpose. Uh, that is kinda stupid thing to say, I think, 'cause I purposely write, compose, and format ever'thin' seen on this blog! That's what I do here! This is my stage. Now back to your regularly scheduled program:] Jalapeño Burns
*George, for ya'll newcomers is the same George we all call to at times, By George! One of them Commandments kinda says ya don't use the word mos' people seem to use so frequently without real purpose, kinda in vain, if ya get my drift. Good George! It's really purty simple if ya jes' think 'bout it. It seems like such a small thing to do and, if'n Moses was tellin' the truth, that was kinda one of those things that He was very specific that we not do: use His Name in vain. I will purposely speak of God only when it suits a worthwhile purpose.
**It's part of the show, folks! Made Up! Untrue. I do not hear voices in my head, nor am I on medication. I ain't gonna swear that I shouldn't be, but I tend to avoid medication much stronger than over the counter analgesics, antihistamines, and antacids: the three A's. They fix what ails me, I guess, and 'bout all I need. Oh, I'll take a little nip here and there. Usually to soothe an irritated throat. I jes' know some of ya'll like to spread vicious gossip - but then, ya'll that do that prolly don't read the footnotes anyway and are already out there tellin' ever'one that Tiger is on medication. Yada yada! I'll send John Wayne Mauler over to your house to eat Cheerios. Don't be messin' with me! ~shut up, I said~