Food has replaced sex in my life... now I can't even get into my own pants!
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood-alcohol content.
Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ... so I said, "Implants?"
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
Sign in a CHINESE Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
I have my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.
I got a sweater for Christmas ... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life ... Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades ...THAT'S A MESSAGE!
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
The differences between snowmen and snow-women are snowballs.