This was sent to me by Zaboon, a new reader of the blog:
Etiquette tips for RednecksPosted by Moona at January 20, 2005 02:04 PM | TrackBack
- Etiquette Tips for Rednecks In general
- Never take a beer to an interview
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting them
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets
- Even if you are certain that you are included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-Haul to the funeral
- Dining out
- When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it in your hands
- Entertaining
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are
- Personal hygiene
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys
- Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money
- Use of fragrant toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods
- Dating (outside the family)
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date
- Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the bathroom walls two years ago"
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time
- Theater etiquette
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended
- Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can't hear you
- Weddings
- Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift
- Kissing the bride for more than five seconds might get you shot
- For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance
- Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion
- Driving etiquette
- Dim your headlights for approaching cars
- When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way
- Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape
- When sending the wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too
- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
So many roads, so little time....