Read My Lips - the blog

From a reader

This was sent to me by Zaboon, a new reader of the blog:

Etiquette tips for Rednecks

• Etiquette Tips for Rednecks In general
  1. Never take a beer to an interview
  2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them
  3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church
  4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets
  5. Even if you are certain that you are included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-Haul to the funeral
• Dining out
  1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine
  2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it in your hands
• Entertaining
  1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist
  2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are
• Personal hygiene
  1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys
  2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money
  3. Use of fragrant toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days
  4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods
• Dating (outside the family)
  1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date
  2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the bathroom walls two years ago"
  3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time
• Theater etiquette
  1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended
  2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can't hear you
• Weddings
  1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift
  2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds might get you shot
  3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance
  4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion
• Driving etiquette
  1. Dim your headlights for approaching cars
  2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way
  3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape
  4. When sending the wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too
  5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession

So many roads, so little time....