Read My Lips - the blog

Wednesday's Not-So-Funny

Oooooh! I'm definitely in the mood for law enforcement jokes after my not-so-funny experience on Wednesday. I received a ticket for the highway patrolman's assumption that I had to have been driving at an unsafe speed. But I don't even want to talk about that.

This won't get me out of having to pay my ticket, but it does make me feel better.

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

What did the policeman say to his belly button?

You're under a vest!

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

You Might Be a Cop if...

• people shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room
• your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change
• you disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see
• you believe the government should require a permit to reproduce
• you believe Prozac should be added regularly to the water system
• when you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group
• you want to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide - getting it right the first time"
• you call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you
• you believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow over .150
• you walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you..."