Read My Lips - the blog

My whimsical search for something bizarre

Just a bit ago, I walked in from a spontaneous shopping trip. I wanted to get a what-cha-ma-call-it media card for my Kodak digital camera in preparation of the 2005 Texas Blogger Bash. I'd gone all through the Fry's Friday flyer and they had just what I needed for a bargain price. However, they had very little else to offer without which, at the current price, I felt I could not live. I discovered the camera also needed some fresh AA batteries. I need 4 and had one. I'd also want to purchase a large surplus supply of such. I have several electronic devices that drain AA batteries quickly. I embarked upon the 90 minute journey from my house to Fry's parking lot in Arlington. A third of the way along my route, I stopped in at Taco Bueno for an early evening's repast of excellent Tex-Mex, portions of which continue to bubble deep within my digestive system.

When I walked out of the restaurant, for some odd reason, I stared across the parking lot at the big Wal-Mart sign and thought to myself that I ought to check the current availability and price of the items I planned to drive another hour to purchase. I discovered that I was going to save $8.00. Counting round-trip time, I was going to drive an additional 2 hours just to save $8.00. It didn't seem right, especially given that, given the current price of gas, My old Lincoln would use $8.00 in gas in driving that extra 100 or so miles. While I was in Wal-Mart, however, I also made a impulsively chose a few other items to add to my current pile of clutter. When the total was announced, I found myself slightly short of the needed amount of cash. I, of course, had my trusty credit card and deftly whipped it out of my wallet. I attempted to hand it to the clerk, who likely thought I was the dumbest country bumpkin she ever saw. She had to direct me through the function of sliding my card through the machine, explain which buttons to push, and show me how to affix my signature, electronically. As, you likely can tell, I rarely use a credit card for such types of purchases, this was an actual new experience for me.

Upon returning home, as most of us serious bloggers are wont to do, I immediately checked my comments. Lo and behold,* Scott of Versus Blog had dropped in and left some kindly words behind. I quickly recalled that I had yet partaken of today's Versus contest. I clicked on through, as I am also want to do, to find the bout of Conan O'Brien versus Conan the Barbarian. I'd never have picked Conan O'Brien to take this match. I was, however, highly unfamiliar with the particular powers of some particular masturbating bear, I felt some research was in order. Again, as I am wont to do, I plugged the term: masturbating bear into ixquick and found this link to a video of the logical masturbating bear reference. I am hopeful that it was not this link to A hairy gay bear man posing. I didn't open that particular Pandora's Box as I am utterly fearful of what I might find there. Would I find a hairy gay bear or a hairy gay man? Was it not likely that each would be posing bare? Can't you imagine that the very last thing I wanted to see was the sight of a hairy gay man posing bare? I could stand the sight of a hairy gay bear posing bare -- unless of course, he was masturbating.

I neglected to mention my navel's minor fire emergency at my point of entry into the Wal-Mart this evening. It seems that Buddha Belly negligently collided with the lit end of a cigarette in the hand of a store employee on break. That hot coal of burning tobacco became lodged in the front of my shirt along the button line just at the point of my navel. The excessive heat alarmed my navel and an alarm raced down my nervous system to the central process and control center, which dispatched Right Index Finger to tackle the emergency. Arriving johnny-on-the-spot, said Finger deftly flicked away the offending cherry, and my navel lived happily ever after, or until tomorrow night, whichever comes first. End of report.

*Ah, the archaic cliches of the English language!

Posted by Tiger at March 5, 2005 12:47 AM