Read My Lips - the blog

Was I ever in a pickle this time

Well, I almost was not around tonight to make this report. No, I did not have a near-death experience, I just feel asleep in my chair watching TV. I'd have likely slept straight through until the roosters crow tomorrow if I hadn't had a most horrendous nightmare.

Now this certain dream didn't begin as a nightmare. In fact, it had a quite pleasant beginning. It involved my having a chance encounter with Renee Zellwegger. We began chatting and hit it off fabulously. She appeared to have fun and laughed pleasantly at all of my jokes, even those few ghastly puns that passed across my lips. Finally, our mutual physical attraction grew too strong and we searched wildly for some private place to waltz the sensual peccadillo, if you catch my drift. So as to enhance our encounter, Renee suggested that I swallow a certain pharmaceutical product regularly advertised on television.

Needless to say, the experience was delightful. We swapped fluids and sustained our passion for an extended period of time. After four hours of such, my brain suddenly recalled the warning and I became concerned about my continued rigidity. Is there a doctor in the house? We are, after all, discussing a very important part of my person and personality. The matter involves a body part which I cherish almost as much as my own navel.

The hour had grown late and the only place to locate a doctor was at the local emergency room. I bade Renee a fond farewell and asked her to call me tomorrow. I remain hopeful that she will. I scurried on down to the emergency room, only to find myself behind a long line of other men. It seems that those side effects might not be as rare as advertised, as it was quite obvious to me why all of those other men were present.

It must have been fairly obvious to the doctor why they were all there, as well. He simply walked down the line, saying to each, "OK, I know why you're here." He did this with each man in line until he came to me, last in line. To me, he said, "Hey, are you glad to see me, or is that a gherkin in your pocket?" After that point, the next thing I remember was awakening in my chair screaming in embarrassment.

I was only able to post this embarrassing dream episode because my navel is off visiting a sick friend. It seems he has become quite acquainted with a neighborhood chimney that has the flue. In my dream, Renee laughed at that. Maybe I'll go back to sleep. End of report.