Read My Lips - the blog

When pigs fly --- in bits and pieces

I personally witnessed a very unusual event today. It was a bright day full of sunshine and, having heard that cold rainy days are forecast for tomorrow and the next day, I was sitting out on the porch enjoying the warmth while I could. A shadow passed my face and I lifted my eyes to gaze heavenward just in time to observe an unusually fast moving object soaring across the sky. Irregularly shaped, it was not easily identifiable. Just before it collided with my cheekbone, I got a brief clear look at the UFO.

It fell to the sidewalk at my feet and I glanced toward where it fell only to watch as my two dogs greedily devoured the object.

From my fleeting glance, I pegged the item as, generally, pork chop shaped. From my dogs' fervor as they scrambled after every morsel, I deduced that it was, indeed, some form of meat. Assuming thereby that it was a pork chop, that still begged an answer to the primary question: from whence had this pork chop originated? Secondarily, of course, we'd have to consider if its identity solely as a possible probable pork chop deprived it of UFO status.*

As there were no obvious signs that someone had simply tossed a pork chop in my direction, I reflected on possible origins. I first considered my lack of adequate time in which to assess the aerodynamics of this particular pork chop.

Being totally unaware of its maximum flight range, I deduced the possibility that the pork chop was launched from some nearby location by person or persons unknown.

Then, again, I concluded that such could also be a pork chop of alien origins, purposefully piloted in such manner so as to be devoured by earthly canines. The intestinal tracts of canines are likely the default location for incubating eggs until they hatch into alien creatures bent on conquering the Earth. Recall, if you will, the plot of Dreamcatcher which I personally watched only a day or so ago. With such scenario still fresh in my mind, you can bet that I'm not going outside tonight except in the case of extreme emergency. And should such an emergency arise, I'll emerge fully armed with a 12-gauge double-barrel shotgun and a full fireplace lighter. If either of my dogs erupts into a shower of tiny worms with large, gaping, sharp-teeth-filled mouths, I am gonna be blowing and going.**

No belly buttons, alien or otherwise, were harmed in the creation of this report. End of report.

*It also begs the answer to the question of whether a UFO remains a UFO after it is eaten by snarling hounds.

**which is Texanese for "going forth in a decidedly-hurried fashion while shooting everything in your way without question."

Posted by Tiger at March 14, 2005 11:17 PM