Read My Lips - the blog

Mar. 18, 2005 -- Moona Edition

A day late and a dollar short:

24 Irish Quickies (Short Jokes)

"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
"Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?
The both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job.

How do we know that Christ was Irish?
Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist.
"There he was. All dressed up and no place to go."

See extended entry for remaining jokes.

The reason I'm late with my St. Patrick's Day post is that I've been trying to finish a horribly boring online Defensive Driving Course. [News flash: A pedestrian with a white cane always has the right-of-way.] Wednesday I was going to go straight home and start working on it, but I didn't get home on time. I had gone to a neighboring town for intake assessments on two new Meals on Wheels clients, both of whom were real talkers. One of them whined incessently about all of her problems and showed me all of her scars, and the other wanted to tell me her entire life history. The second lady also told about having ridden to a neighboring town with a 96-year-old acquaintance for a bridge party. She said that when she complained to another friend about how difficult it had been to have this nearly-deaf lady as a partner, the friend's mouth dropped open. "Why, I would have been much more concerned about riding with her. You know, she's blind!"

I finally pulled into my garage at 6:30, already tired. Determined to finish the course, I fired up my off-brand computer and connected to the internet via my dial-up service. The pages for the course loaded so slowly that I could surf at least four or five blogs on Blog Explosion between each page. The course was supposed to take six hours, but with the slow-loading pages, by 12:30 at night I was only half finished. I finally quit when one of the videos completely failed to load, and I tried to guess the answer to the question without having seen it. Most of the other questions had been quite obvious, but true to Murphy [an Irishman]'s law, the answer was an obscure statistic that no one would know unless they watched the stupid video.

When I told Tig about my experience the next morning, he suggested that I come over and use his laptop with his DSL connection. He, meanwhile, would play Texas Hold'Em on Blog Explosion. To celebrate St. Patrick's Day, I stopped off at the local grocery on the way in and bought a pint of beer and a bottle of green food coloring. When I arrived, I went straight to the kitchen, poured some beer into a mug, and added added a drop of the potion to turn the beverage into green beer, which I handed to Tig instead of his expected Dr. Pepper.

Later that evening, he wandered into the living room, asking if I wanted to share his bowl of Ramen noodles. He got me back ... Have you ever seen a bowl of green noodles?

Two lawyers standing before an Irish judge got into a fierce argument.
At last one lawyer lost his temper and shouted, "Sir you are the biggest fool that I have set eyes on."
"Order, order," said the Irish judge. "You seem to forget that I am in the room."

"Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?"
"No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !"

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk !!The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

Seamus was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

Mike lay dying on his bed when his wife Brigid came in to him and asked if there was anything he wanted.

Mike said "Brigid, what is that delicious smell coming from the kitchen?"
And Brigid replied "Oh Mike that is a ham I am baking ."
Mike thought, and said "Brigid, as my dying wish I would love to have some of that ham you're cooking."
Then Brigid said "Oh Mike, I'm saving that for the wake !!"

"Did you hear that Flanagan invented an invisible deodorant ?"
"No, what good is it ?"
"Well if you use it, you vanish and no one knows where the smell is coming from !"

An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says "I don't think you can get in here.
The IRA man says"Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!

"Seamus do you understand French?"
"I do if its spoken in Irish."

Two Irishmen had just won $5000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters, Sean replies, we'll just keep sending them.

Paddy was walking through a graveyard when de came across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."
"Faith now," exclaimed Paddy, "I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave."

Incomprehensibly, the last coach of the train on a normal route kept getting smashed up by vandals. A porter came up with an idea.
"Why don't we leave the last coach off!"

She followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

Why does it take five Irishmen to change a lightbulb?
One to change the bulb. Four to remark about how grand the old bulb was.

"I hear Murphy died, " said Pat. "Was he ill long?"
"No," said Mick. "He died in the best of health."

First Irish Farmer: "My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it."
Second Irish Farmer: "Did you shoot it in the hole?"
First Irish Farmer: " No, in the head."

O'Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

Posted by Moona at March 18, 2005 09:32 AM | TrackBack