Read My Lips - the blog

Blogging for Books #11

Well the following melodrama is presented for your pleasure as my entry in this month's contest. It seemed the topic was either lying, fornicating, or going home. I tried to supply a tale of twisted home coming intermixed with some expected fornication. About the lie ... it was Old Lady Wilson's. Think about that.

Coming Home

by Terence A. (Tiger) Russell

The big day had arrived and Detective 1st Grade Lee Roy "Two Words" Jackson was stuck with an open file. Old Lady Wilson, that crazy old witch that lived catty-corner from his boss, the Dustbury Police Chief, had found her paisley panties missing when she awoke from a morning nap some time around 10:00 a.m. this morning. Bubba, as said Police Chief was called by all, at his insistence, had personally charged Det. Jackson with finding the culprit, "PDQ!"

Lee Roy wanted to get on the way to Aphid so as to pick up his girlfriend, Tina Marie. She was being released from the State Pen at 5:00 p.m. this very day. He'd waited every moment of every day of that last 14 months since she entered that "guilty" plea to a lesser included in exchange for her testimony in the Butane murder case. It had been a very long and lonely 14 months and Lee Roy was ready for some two party extracurricular activities of a sexual nature.

All he had so far was: 1. some old wino saying he had seen a tall goofy looking guy walking in front of the Old Lady Wilson's house, traveling in the direction of the Quickee Mart on Pine about 10:00 a.m.; 2. Habib, the day man at the Quickee Mart said that some one came in a little after 10:00 a.m. and bought a Mountain Dew; 3. The only person in town known to be goofy looking as well as being addicted to Mountain Dew also happened to be the guy who'd punched Det. Jackson in the nose at his High School prom 30 years ago, Perry Pitts.

The clock on the desk said 3:12. Jackson drummed his fingers on the desk. Pitts had a couple of prior trips to the Pen, but had kept his nose clean for the last 30 days or so, by all accounts that Lee Roy could access. The Detective removed a Form PC-122 entitled "Authorization for Warrant" from the form file cabinet near the water cooler.

He filled in the information he had about Perry Pitts: name, date of birth, suspected location, suspected crime. "Describe probable cause for arrest." Lee Roy began to scribble onto the lines provided. "Pitts purportedly seen in area of crime at time of offense by reliable senior citizen." He affixed his signature and looked back at the clock. "3:14." He rose from his chair and looked toward Bubba's empty office. He'd be down at The Corral, interviewing the newest crops of waitresses, most likely. Lee Roy'd have to take the Form PC-122 to the judge himself.

The Judge, of course, was Justice of the Peace Marivan P. Mitchell, who most time held court in the barbershop behind the Sack'n Save, where he still shined shoes, as he had for most of his 87 years of life. A quick 12 minute drive across downtown Dustbury and Lee Roy was shoving the Form PC-122 under Judge Mitchell's nose. Judge Mitchell looked down at the form, then looked up at the Detective and asked, "Did he do it?"

"The evidence against him is pretty strong, Judge," Lee Roy replied. The judge marked his "X" in the appropriate place and shoved the form toward Jackson.

"Warrant approved."

The detective drove back across toward the station, purposely overlooking that Newton lad breaking through a car window with a crowbar in front of the Catholic Church and some guy dragging his own ugly sister, Sarah, behind a tree. It was a 45 minute trip to Aphid, if traffic was light. He'd have the siren and flashing red strobe to assist his progress, if necessary. He looked at his watch as he pulled into the station parking lot: "3:51." Cutting it close, he thought. Still he knew all he needed to do was to write Pitt's name across the top of a file folder, place the approved Form PC-122 inside, and lay both in a central position on the pile of material in the midst of Bubba's desk.

Lee Roy was well on his way to Aphid when Bubba walked into the office, saw the file in the midst of his inbox, as well as it's contents, and sent Officer Pete Pearson over to Pitt's house to effect the arrest. Pearson knocked on the door and, almost immediately, Pitts opened the door wearing a tattered terry-cloth bathrobe.

"Hey Pete, what's up?"

"Got a warrant for your arrest, Perry."

"Really, what?"

"Someone burgled Old Lady Wilson's house this morning, says here you're good for it."

"No way! I'm being framed."

"Well, you'll have to tell that to the Judge, Perry. I've gotta take you in."

"OK, OK, I know. Let me get dressed here, OK?" At that point, Pitts dropped the robe to the floor exposing the fact that his rather portly and rotund body was completely naked except for that portion which was covered by a rather fetching pair of paisley panties. "It'll be good to go back home for awhile, Pete. I miss those wild shower orgies, you know. Outside sex just never fills the full bill. If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'."

Tina was glad to go home too, but was not quite as eager to see Lee Roy as he'd imagined. Still, he was satisfactorily rewarded for his efforts on her behalf.