September 27, 2003

A sign of life?

I don't pick up the mail, I don't pick up the phone

I don't answer the door, I'd as soon be alone

I don't keep this place up, I just keep the lights down

I don't live in these rooms, I just rattle around

I'm just a ghost in this house

I'm just a shadow upon these walls

As quietly as a mouse I haunt these halls

Those lines are the opening lyrics of a song called I'm Just a Ghost in this House authored by Hugh Prestwood and recorded by several artists. These few lines sum up how I feel about my life at this point.

It is kind of like I am just dog paddling until my body gives up. I often wonder if I am depressed without reason, but I actually have plenty of reasons to feel this way about my life. Although I am fairly financially stable and in fairly good health, have plenty of friends and plenty of activities to do, I really find very little enjoyment out of hardly anything for very long.

Let's see, where do I start? OK, I am 48, and yet, according to Acidman, I look older than he does at 55, and what is really bad is that I agree with him. I do look older than most people at my age. I have more white in my facial hair than most at my age, I have been gray at the temples since I was in my 30s, I am balding on top rapidly, and yet, I really don't care. My teeth have decided to rotten out over the last six or so months. I was widowed more than nine years ago, am childless and then lost both of my parents over the last few years. I jumped up and moved to a new town, and although I find I have more to do and am a bigger part of the community than anywhere else I have ever lived, I do not find such as satisfying as I thought I would.

I sometimes think about just giving up, but how do you do that? I mean, I don't want to die, as there is always a chance that things will change and I will find some fun in life again. But then I am so tired of just surviving without any purpose in my life. The stress is sometimes very overbearing.

I have thought about seeing a doctor, but then I would be saying something is wrong with me for feeling this way, and I don't think there is anything wrong with me for feeling this way. In fact, I think I am feeling exactly like any normal person would feel who has lived through the kind of life I have had so far. I don't want some drugs to suppress my feelings. If I wanted to suppress my feelings, I am sure I could drown my troubles like most people do, just staying half-conscious by drinking lots of alcoholic beverages. No, I will continue to tread though this existence, but I will still mostly just be a ghost in this house. I am here but no one sees me.

Posted by notGeorge at September 27, 2003 11:18 PM

I can relate to more than half of what you wrote.

Posted by: Lee at September 28, 2003 11:04 AM

Drugs, at least anti-depressants, don't supress your feelings...on the contrary, they often enable you to feel good as well as bad. Imagine your stereo has the bass turned all the way up. Meds can restore the balance, so you hear the treble as well as the bass. Go see your doctor, Tig. Often times depression has a physical basis, not just an emotional one.

Posted by: Susie at September 29, 2003 01:57 AM