Read My Lips - the blog

A sign of life?

I don't pick up the mail, I don't pick up the phone

I don't answer the door, I'd as soon be alone

I don't keep this place up, I just keep the lights down

I don't live in these rooms, I just rattle around

I'm just a ghost in this house

I'm just a shadow upon these walls

As quietly as a mouse I haunt these halls

Those lines are the opening lyrics of a song called I'm Just a Ghost in this House authored by Hugh Prestwood and recorded by several artists. These few lines sum up how I feel about my life at this point.

It is kind of like I am just dog paddling until my body gives up. I often wonder if I am depressed without reason, but I actually have plenty of reasons to feel this way about my life. Although I am fairly financially stable and in fairly good health, have plenty of friends and plenty of activities to do, I really find very little enjoyment out of hardly anything for very long.

Let's see, where do I start? OK, I am 48, and yet, according to Acidman, I look older than he does at 55, and what is really bad is that I agree with him. I do look older than most people at my age. I have more white in my facial hair than most at my age, I have been gray at the temples since I was in my 30s, I am balding on top rapidly, and yet, I really don't care. My teeth have decided to rotten out over the last six or so months. I was widowed more than nine years ago, am childless and then lost both of my parents over the last few years. I jumped up and moved to a new town, and although I find I have more to do and am a bigger part of the community than anywhere else I have ever lived, I do not find such as satisfying as I thought I would.

I sometimes think about just giving up, but how do you do that? I mean, I don't want to die, as there is always a chance that things will change and I will find some fun in life again. But then I am so tired of just surviving without any purpose in my life. The stress is sometimes very overbearing.

I have thought about seeing a doctor, but then I would be saying something is wrong with me for feeling this way, and I don't think there is anything wrong with me for feeling this way. In fact, I think I am feeling exactly like any normal person would feel who has lived through the kind of life I have had so far. I don't want some drugs to suppress my feelings. If I wanted to suppress my feelings, I am sure I could drown my troubles like most people do, just staying half-conscious by drinking lots of alcoholic beverages. No, I will continue to tread though this existence, but I will still mostly just be a ghost in this house. I am here but no one sees me.