Read My Lips - the blog

OK so I was bored -- sue me

I was over at Days Go By and saw JaxVenus had posted one of those lists of interestin' but totally useless facts that you see from time to time. Well, I decided to go through it and add a few snarky remarks. Some I think were pretty good and others pretty lame. I will let you decide which are which. Without further ado:

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

• and they take up less room than a jar of pickles, but don't taste as good.

2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

• so if you see somethin' that is long and red and smells like peanuts, you shouldn't try to smoke it.

3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

• and a million times that many ways to spend one.

4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

• except when you are engaged in c-sex, then it does 100% of the typin'.

5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

• but they can't wink worth a damn.

6. There are more chickens than people in the world.

• hence why you are always seein' those cows urgin' people to eat more chicken.

7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

• they don't call it the Garden State for nuthin'.

8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched.".

• and is third from the bottom in usage.

9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

• to celebrate when they get the majority of their fundin'.

10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

• The whole movie was shot in one minute using lots of cameras and mirrors.

11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

• and yet several rhyme with shit, fuck, crap, and fart.

12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

• 'cept in the south where it is the only word endin' in "mpt".

13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

• whereas none of them are visible on Lincoln's face on the front of the $5 bill.

14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.

• Now ain't that the pits!

15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

• ata time when most dancin' was done in the ladies' room

16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

• and yet has more letters than Utah, Iowa and Ohio.

17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

• and yet have never successfully been all used together in a single sentence in any major motion picture.

18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."

• but printing costs preclude usage of the entire name on city documents.

19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

• and yet still has not developed the ability to fly.

20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

• and yet it is still smart enough not to poke its eye out with a stick.

21. ***s have striped skin, not just striped fur.

• such fact discovered during Tiger shearin' season, I suppose.

22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

• You would think they would get a new watch picture to use at some time.

23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

• and he stuck to that story to the day he died.

24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."

• however, they do not resemble the movie characters a great deal.

25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

• and yet they lead such fulfillin' existences.

26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

• but the data to prove this was mysteriously flushed down the toilet.

27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

• for which no one has found a single useful purpose

28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

• because the shock of seein' mucus sprayin' out of one's orafices is more than most people could take.

29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

• and it has yet looked at itself in a mirror.

30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

• it is a position held in name only.

31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

• he would not have noticed except the foil coverin' the chocolate bar sparked.

32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

• and he is always eager to show people around the neighborhood.

33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

• unless their partner suggests sex, then they fall asleep immediately.

34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

• which absolutely fascinated whoever it was that took the time to count them.

35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

• and stewardesses' asses are the thing most often pinched with the right hand