I apologize for not posting a joke for last week's version, but I was on the road with Susan and Stephen touring Washington, D.C., Atlantic City, and NYC. It was thrifty road trip, being Susan's Christmas gift. Anyway, we all had fun and if enough of you beg me to do so, I will share some pictures we took. Now, let us get back to the show:
There was a man who worked for the Post Office, whose job it was to process all the mail that had wrong addresses.
One day, a letter came to his desk addressed in shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. He opened it and read:Dear God,The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers. Each of them dug into their wallets and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.I am an 93-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The rest of the day, all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind thing they had done.
Christmas came and went. A few days later another letter came from the old lady to God. All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:Dear God,How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieves at the Post Office.
Sincerely, Edna
As I have been very busy assisting Santa in readying for the big day, I have been lagging behind on my other duties, I am hopeful you will forgive me for the lateness of posting.
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to fly back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blaring annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe.
Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." --- (pause)
"OK, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there." --- (pause)
"OK, I give up. Why is it there?"
She replied sweetly, "It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
Three businessmen were riding together on Christmas Eve on their way home from a Christmas party when their car hit a patch of ice, skidded off the road and hit a tree. All three died and found themselves standing outside the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looked them up and down, shaking his head from side to side. "You three are about as sorry a lot as I have seen lately. I fear you are at the wrong place, but since it is Christmastime, I'll allow you in on one condition.""What is that?" one of them asked.
"You must reach into your pocket and show me an item with a connection with Christmas."
One of the quickly reached into his pocket and produced a lighter, which he lit and held it above his head. "This symbolizes a Christmas candle." Saint Peter nodded his head and opened the gate to allow the man to enter.
Following his friend's example, the second man reached into his pocket and produced a ring of keys, which he shook allowing the keys to jingle. "This symbolizes Christmas bells." Again Saint Peter nodded his head and opened the gate.
The third man reached into his pocket and produced a pair of women's panties which he head out for Saint Peter's examination.
"What Christmas significance can they have?" Saint Peter asked. "They are paisley in print, and of purple and gold color."
"They're Carol's."
A lady tourist noticed the necklace worn by a local Native American."What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Native American replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no, we would never think that way," he objected. "After all, anyone can open an oyster."