An oldie but a goodie:
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on! the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs.
The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?"
She replied, "Audrey ! is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."
Having had to take the day off work to appear in court for a minor traffic summons, the man was growing increasingly restless as he waited hour after hour for his case to be heard.
Finally, late in the afternoon, his case was called. He stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned until the next day and he would have to return.
"What!" What for?" he yelled at the judge.
His Honor, equally irritated by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "That will be twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's what for!"
Noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge added, "That's all right. You don't have to pay right now."
The man replied, "Oh, I'm just looking to see if I have enough for two more words!"
I was perusing the offerings on Turner Classic Movies and caught an "All-Colored Vaudeville Show" filmed in Black & White.
Sometimes I forget it is Friday. That explains why I forgot the carry the garbage cans to the curb. I 'm just glad I also failed to realize today was the 13th ... otherwise I wouldn't have walked under that ladder while that black cat crossed my path to come into the house and open my umbrella. I learned, though, why my momma always told me it was bad luck to open an umbrella in the house -- it brushed some items on a nearby table as it opened, one of which fell off and was broken: a mirror. Oh, you want the joke? OK:
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents, as well as the family cow, dead and decided to go down to the river to drown himself. At the river, he encountered a mermaid sitting upon the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. Have sex with me five times in a row and I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but failed to satisfy her on his fifth attempt. The mermaid swiftly drowned him in the river.
Next, the second oldest son woke up and, after discovering what had happened, also decided to throw himself into the river. Meeting the same mermaid, he heard, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid. He, too, was drowned in the river.
The youngest son woke up and discovered his dead parents, the dead cow in the field, and that his brothers had disappeared. He, as well, decided that life was a hopeless prospect and went to the river to throw himself in. As had his two brothers, the lad met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.
Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he continued, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough Already! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
"It's a deal, then," replied the young man. "Just promise me one thing."
"Don't die on me in the throes of passion like that old cow did!"
Queen Latifah is the ruler of what country?
Duke, my faithful weeniewolf*, a loyal and constant companion for over a decade is, in his old age, losing his eyesight. I have yet to decide whether to park him by the curb with a cup to collect alms or to get him his own seeing eye dog.
*He was graciously granted the promotion from weeniedog to weeniewolf following an episode with a bear that once crossed our trail 100 or so yards to our front. Duke ferociously tugged his leash tight in his attempt to take on the huge beast in mortal combat. I quickly decided that should that bear turn in our direction, I was going to abandon my grasp on that leash's other end and let the little fellow do all he could to give me a good head start in the opposite direction. Thankfully, that bear had the good sense not to take on my little friend, and we were both able to extricate ourselves from the situation without suffering any harm.
Haven't I have been seriously neglectful for not saying "Hook'em Horns!"?
For the first joke of the new year, I offer the following.
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."I want to thank my Aunt 'Net for sending this one my way.
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."