A man and his wife were sitting in their living room, talking. He said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all of his beer.
Well, in making the first change to my template in ages, it seems I deleted more than I wanted. Oh well, I am hopeful that soon, all my blogging will be announcements of where I will be signing copies of my book. All of ya'll that passed on purchasing a copy of my self-published edition, it is now "off sale." Of course, I am sure my publisher will be happy to see you buy a copy at your local bookstore sometime very very soon.
In celebration of St. Patrick's Day, the O'Flannary family went to a local Irish pub for a traditional meal of corned beef and cabbage. The sports bar was crowded with fans watching the Celtics game on the big-screen television.The harried waitress took their order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return. To the hungry children, ranging in age from 3 to 11, thirty minutes seemed to be hours.
Suddenly, shouts of victory came from the bar. "Hey," commented eight-year-old, "it sounds like someone just got his food."
Well, I suppose everybody knows what Tiger's up to! Since the job has fallen to me, I guess I'll bait the hook with these:
There were two good ol' boys from the South who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there.They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop to get all their tackle. The clerk advised them that the lake was frozen nicely and to be sure to get an ice pick. They added the item to their order and took off.
In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need a dozen ice picks."
This perplexed the clerk, but a sale was a sale, so he sold the man what he'd asked for.
In about an hour, the same fellow returned and said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."
The clerk couldn't hold back his questions this time and asked, "How's the fishing going out there anyway?"
"Not very well at all. We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."
A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed in at a whopping 32 lb. 10 oz.
For those of you who GAD* -- I now have a traditional type publisher for my book!
*give a dike
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. When he arrived at the ticket booth, the ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"The old farmer said, "That there is my pet rooster, Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."
"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. He returned to the ticket booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.
He sat in the only empty seat, next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and soon the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer was compelled to unbutton his fly so that Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What gives you that idea?" asked Marge.
"He undid his pants and has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age, it ain't like we've haven't seen 'em all."
"I thought so, too," admitted Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"