Read My Lips - the blog

Nightly Toenail Clippin' Report

Wow, the very first ever nightly toenail clippin' report on this blog and it is gonna be about excitin' as findin' that the navel is still holdin' out for greater consideration and is noticably absent. No toenail clippin' took place this evenin', so there is nuthin' to report. End of report.*

*What? Whinin' or whingin' 'bout there not bein' much to see here? Did ya check out those cool pics down below?

The Alamo, as it is & supposedly was

I actually did take a few pictures durin' my recent excursion. Here are a couple of 'em for ya'll to see.

The Alamo in Real Life

The Brackettville movie set

I really did enjoy the movie set, but was a bit perplexed about one rule they had. Just take a look at the sign:

I wasn't sure how I was ever gonna get home without bein' able to drive where I was not supposed to drive in accordance with the sign.

Leave the poor lady alone, already

Headline at ESPN Sports*: NASCAR fines Stewart $50k. I mean, come on already, hasn't Martha Stewart been punished enough already? I didn't take the time to read the story, however, so am not really sure why they fined her. Maybe they were highly displeased with her new firesuit designs or maybe she forgot to pay the decal tax with regard to one or two of the cars runnin' round the track displayin' such.

*Is not usin' the word Sports in conjunction with referencin' ESPN just a bit too superfluous for words, unless, of course, some couple was just crazy enough** to decide it*** was a fantastic choice for a name to give their child, right?

**Would it be entirely sexist of me to infer that the father of the child had a lot of input into makin' the final decision on namin' the child ESPN?

***ESPN, not sports.

It sounds like a decision an adult would make

Yep, now that she, along with her sister, Ashley, has reached the age of majority, Mary-Kate Olsen had decided she needs treatment for her anorexia problems. It ain't like the whole world wasn't pretty sure that she needed to do so, was it?

attribution: Squishybear

At a loss for concern

Wow, no wonder I have been feelin' like I didn't want to do much but sleep here lately. 17 straight rainy days! Navel has taken the night off.* End of report.

*Such is a nice way of sayin' it has come down with a really bad case of the blue flu, which I suspect is meanin' it is again attemptin' to get a raise. As if! I mean, heck, why do these dang stars think that the show jes' can't go on without 'em. Watch out, now, or I will rename the report: Nightly Toenail Clippin' Report.

Did I miss the ark order?

It has rained and rained and rained. It seems that we have gotten over 10 inches of rain this month in the local area, most of which has come over the last week. We don't yet have the record, but it would only take the amount of rain that has fallen already today to come tomorrow to take it. The ground is saturated and so ever'thin' hittin' the ground is runnin' off to someplace. So far, the Paluxy seems to be stayin' well within its banks, but thinks could change.

It was so bad that Six Flags flooded and was closed. I have not heard that there was any floodin' at our local wildlife park that would be able to cause any severe problems to the animals. This is a really hilly area, though, so the terrain seems to always have somewhere above water within a short distance, if necessary. The latest docent newsletter mentioned that they had to close the Park durin' last week's rain storm when the water over portions of the road in the giraffe pasture made the road impassable, but no mention of any need to relocate any of the animals. In actuality, we need the water.

I know people get tired of it, but we have been in a drought through the last few summers and lakes, aquifers, and such are very very low. These major runoff rain storms do more to fill ever'thin' up better than these brief trickles here and there that we have gotten occasionally, of late.

Forecast is continued rainshowers, so the record might go. As records go, I would rather break the rainfall record for June than the most days with 100 plus weather. How many can claim to have lived through those 42 straight days from June 23rd to August 3rd -- way back in 1980?

Texas weather -- if ya don't like it, jes' hang 'round, 'cause 'tis liable to change at any moment.

[UPDATE: A record - 17 straight rainy days. Wow! I wonder if there is any correllation with the way the Rangers have been playin' 'gainst the Mariners and the Seattle-like weather we seem to be experiencin'.]

Where did I go left?

The title has no hidden meanin'. It actually has no meanin' of any kind, as it was supposed to be Where did I leave off? but I felt like that obligated me to remember what is was we were talkin' 'bout. O' course, then there would need to be some sleuthin' into which of the previous discussions was I supposed to continue? Ya see why I felt it was best to forego gettin' into all of that?

So, here I was just 'bout to fall asleep sittin' in the chair about an hour ago. I looked over at the clock and it was 9:00 pm. I was all of a sudden thinkin' how old I must be when I wanted to go to bed at 9:00 pm ... or, I guess I could be thinkin' how young, as I am pretty sure that 9:00 pm was bed time for most of my carefree summers spent in the care of my great-grandparents. It saved on electricity, as it gets dark just about 9:00 pm, so there is no necessity of usin' 'lectric lights if ya are gettin' ready for bed before the sun fully set.

I remember those hot steamy summer nights of the mid 60's. Lightnin' bugs flashin' their secret messages across the huge expanses of grass. My navel seemed to be hardly ever covered durin' those months. Although I was much friskier durin' those years, my navel has yet to skip a beat. End of report.

The good news is spreadin'

Wow! The time out is over. The reprieve is granted a couple of days early. The keys to Iraq have been handed over to local talent. I sure am hopin' a whole bunch of ya'll didn't get your news about such incident by readin' this post. I only make this mention to establish that I am aware of such news. *nanner nanner*

Too funny not to pass along

Another gem from my Aunt 'Net:

Vacation

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent.

With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to Boston."

"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?"

The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of John Kerry in the middle."

Could you possibly move your ass any slower?

I'd druther have a hot tub

If'n there was one delightful thing from which both myself and my navel both found a lot of enjoyment durin' my brief unescorted visit to one of the Texas' most romantic towns, it was those relaxin' sessions a-sittin' in that 104 degree swirlin' water. I can't afford one to affix one of those to my current location-- well, actually I possibly could, 'cept I have this thing about affixin' expensive fixtures to property shown to be in somebody else's name.*

Of course, as I have previously mentioned ... it is often like really hot and steamy here. Whereas I could possibly spend long hours in the whirlpool, I find myself spendin' endless hours sittin' in the sauna. I abhor the endless swelterin' heat. I suppose if it was doin' somethin' to assist me in reducin' the size of my Buddha belly or somethin', I might find it a bit more enjoyable, but I find it mostly assistin in cloggin' up' my pores. The navel, as usual, has no complaints about the swelterin' heat. End of report.

*which could, most possibly, be the same persons who own all the gold in California.

June 27, 2004

It seems that the effort to shove the Neo-con agenda down the throats of the citizenry of Bloom County is not goin' the way it was imagined. While Opus ponders what went wrong, Bill ponders future efforts. Breathed took long enough to bring Bill the Cat back. It was a bit like watchin' one half of a comedy team -- although you were able to find an occasional chuckle, all the while you had a sneakin' feelin' somethin' was missin'. Now if'n there was only some way to reintroduce Steve Dallas . . .

The utter tardiness of it all

Hmmm. Well, due the Internet fiasco spoken of earlier, you can all see that the Nightly Navel Gazin' Reports have gotten off of their normal schedulin'. It seems that the last report was posted earlier today, but was back dated to comply with is stated creation about 6:00 am on Friday mornin'. That means, however, that there was no report for Friday evenin' or Saturday evenin'. Such situation shall be rectified right now.

Friday evenin' found the conference ended and the final happy hour of the event. I bought two tickets, sipped on my two tequila sunrises while they called the names of the winners for the door prizes. I didn't win any of them. waaaah! Strangely, as I went back to get another ticket and drink, people started givin' me their complimentary drink tickets. I ended up downin' a goodly portion of tequila, enough to feel that I was hilariously funny in ever'thin' I said, and I chatted up several ladies. And talk about timin'. It seems that some sorority was checkin' in to the place for some event they had scheduled for the weekend jes' as I was gettin' back to the hotel. I had accompanied some cute young female attorney back to the hotel where were parted ways, then went to my room, then had come back out to get the fixin's to make myself a cup of Dr. Pepper. On the way back to my room, I noticed that the concierge on duty was one really cute young lady, as well, so spent some time chattin' with Amanda while eyein' the lines of sorority sisters waitin' at the counter out of the corner of my eye.

I then went out into the River Center mall where I did a bit of window shoppin', and ended up buyin' a slice of pizza. I ate it while I went back to my room. I was highly disappointed to see that Amanda had left for the day as I walked by the concierge station.

I ended up spendin' the night alone, but then that was well within the plannin' I had made for the evenin's entertainment. Fishin' is sometimes much more rewardin' an activity if you already know you really didn't want to really catch the fish. My navel was a bit miffed about my lack of effort. End of the Friday Report.

I awoke Saturday with a headache. Thankfully it was not so excruciatin' that I was unable to cope. I prepared for the day, packed up all my stuff, and checked outta the room. I took all my stuff across the street and packed my car, then walked over to Denny's and had a lot of greasy pork and eggs. I went back to my car and downed 4 extra strength name brand analgesics and then walked over to the Alamo and looked around for an hour or so. It ain't the first time I have been to the Alamo, and likely it is not gonna be the last. For some reason, maybe it bein' mostly due to the fact that I have so recently seen the movie about the event, I felt really cheated that what you actually get is only a small part of what was there on March 6, 1837. I remembered just recently that someone had suggested that I go see the site where John Wayne's movie was shot in Brackettville, so by 10:30 am, I was on my way to Brackettville.
I arrived about 2:00 pm, just timed it about right to get a chance to walk around the grounds of the Alamo set before goin' down to the western town set to see the show they were supposed to be doin' about 2:30 pm accordin' to the information I got at the gate. Thereafter I walked around the town, thoroughly checkin' it all out. It was jes' beginnin' to rain as the next showin' was gonna start at 4:30 pm. I finished up seein' ever'thin' there was to see and decided to head off. As it had been rainin' off and on all day for almost the last three days 'round San Antonio durin' my visit, I was bit afraid to take the shortest route home, as I was aware of how many low water crossin's there were along the route. Even though it was a bit out of my way to do so, I felt the safest way to get home was to back track to San Antonio and go back home the same way I came down. As such, I was able to stop by Eric and Denita's house on my way back. I was really tired by the time I got there, however, so did not stay long at all.

I got back on the road, stoppin' often to stretch my legs and such so as to make sure I stayed awake. I never felt like there was any problem, but, still, it is always a good idea to take no chances of such, right? I rolled into my drive right at the stroke of midnight. I did not even unpack the car. I jes' rolled my tired body into bed and snoozed the rest of the night away. The navel seemed elated with the days activities as well as the prompt endin' of the trip and the day. I was to pooped to post the report. I do so now. End of Saturday report.

I am invisible for the moment

It just after 6:00 am on Friday, June 25, 2004. I have been up for more than an hour, havin' awakened early today followin' havin' fallen asleep about 7:00 pm or so last evenin'. I was surprised at my utter weariness, but as I had done quite a bit of walkin' and was still under the influence of those two margaritas* I consumed with yesterday's lunch, I was just layin' there readin' a book I bought at a book signin' by another lawyer at the convention when I felt myself about to fall asleep. As I was already layin' in bed, it seemed to be no problem, so off to dreamland** I went.

Given that early to bed scenario, I found it regrettably followed by an early to rise endin'. I awoke sometime around 4:30 am, but fought the urge to arise as much as possible. I finally did arise and went to the lobby, walked all the way across and into the Rivercenter Mall connected to the hotel so as to go by another Dr. Pepper, as it seems all the soda vendin' machines in the hotel seem to be filled with Pepsi products. Thankfully the hotel concierge pointed me in the right direction night before last when I stopped to ask where the nearest place to buy a Dr. Pepper. Funny thing, however, was that I had to make two trips to get one, and ended up with two bottles of Dr. Pepper and one bottle of Diet Coke.

On my first trip, I was still a bit groggy, walked across the lobby floor barefooted and about halfway across, the bone spur on my right heel started botherin' me really bad, so I was kinda walkin' funny and hurryin' a bit to get the errand done. I watched the machine eat my dollar bill and pushed the button. I heard the bottle drop, took it out of the machine and came back to the room. I then went down to the ice machine to fill the bucket. I came back to fix my cup so as get my much needed mornin' caffeine fix. It was then, and only then, that I discovered the bottle I had carried all the way back was full of Diet Coke. I muttered under my breath about the inequities of the whole scenario as I repeated by trip to the machine, fed it another dollar and punched the other button marked to vend Dr. Pepper. I looked down into vendin' slot just as I pushed the button to see there was already a bottle of Dr. Pepper sittin' there. It was too late to stop the other sale, so I ended up comin' back with two bottles of Dr. Pepper to join that bottle of Diet Coke. I decided, on the way back, that the person who had paid for and not gotten that Diet Coke likely got a worse deal than havin' to make two trips across that large lobby floor. I also did notice that the only other room that seems to be occupied on this floor had a tray sittin' in front of the door with an empty Diet Coke can sittin' on it, so if I see the person stayin' there, I will likely make a gift of that unopened full bottle of Diet Coke to such unknown occupant.

Upon gettin' the cup filled with ice and Dr. Pepper, I took my treasure and went down one floor and climbed into the hot tub whirlpool and let the swirlin' water work all the kinks outta my muscles, then came back to my room and took a nice hot bath to wash off all the crud that might have been in the hot tub water from all the prior people who had been sittin' in that same water. I took extra special attention to make sure my navel was very clean and not filled with any crud of any kind. After all, it is still the star of this show, right? Of course, ya'll can't see it or this report currently, but as soon as I find an good Internet connection, I will do my best to assist you with gettin' your Nightly Navel Gazin' Report fix. End of report.

A whole different sort of steam

I am likely guilty of puttin' too much value onto how I spend my money. Yes, I do know this report is late, very late, but here is why: I am out of town, like I said a couple of days ago, or at least I think I said somethin' 'bout it, but given the two margaritas I had with lunch, and that I have hereby secretly pirated a computer belongin' to Motion Computin' at the Texas Bar Annual Meetin'* here in San Antonio that was sittin' here connected to the internet, I find am too woozy and pressed for time to go back and read my recent posts in any effort to find such --- jes' take my word for it. However, the actual reason the followin' report is late is 'cause I am a bit miffed to find I am spendin' huge sums of money to stay in the Mariott Rivercenter Hotel to spend another $10 a night necessary so as to connect to the internet.** As such, despite the fact that I purchased the laptop partly just so as to do so, I found that another one of my plans went haywire. I am pleased to see that my life has not drastically improved despite the fact that I drove over 3 hours from home just to be here.

OK, OK, I know what ya'll are payin' your money to see: My navel responded well to the locale change. It failed to notice that it was not at home. End of report.

*Convention might also be a good term to use for the event, ya'll

**Show of hands on how many of ya'll also think I should have stayed at a Best Western somewhere for half that price where free internet access is usually found to be readily available.

Still wrinkled despite bein' steamed for hours

Yes, it is so steamy here. The weatherman was sayin' earlier today the odds of gettin' rained on today was 100%, but I guess he was not broadcastin' from right in my backyard, 'cause it didn't rain a drop today. There is a ton of moisture in the air however. Like I said it is steamy.

I checked my face in the mirror and saw every wrinkle and line was still visible and apparent in splendid glamor. I am wonderin' jes' 'zactly what it was that made life in Texas so attractive. Are the mild winters satisfactorily sufficient in exchange for 5 months of livin' in the midst of a giant sauna ever' year? O' course, livin' at the confluence of three rivers, actually two rivers and one large creek, does have its distinct methods of coolin' off. I jes' wish I had 'membered that 'fore the hour got so late. I actually got immersed in some stuff on PBS: origins of the universe, the problems with illegal immigration on northern communities, and somethin' 'bout how Big Box stores are takin' over communities. Heavy stuff for entertainment, huh?

Have I not previously mentioned that my navel has no complaints to voice about the hot steamy weather? It responded unfavorably, however, to a vagrant bit of ice that found its way into the deep recess in the midst of my rotund tummy earlier this evenin'. End of report.

I snuck right up behind me without a sound

There really ain't not reason* or purpose** behind the lateness of this report. Don't fret though, 'cause there ain't no cause for alarm, the navel is fine. The rest of my body is a wreck, but the navel appears to be uninjured. A person can experience substantial physical trauma from repeatedly sittin' still, and yet, the navel seems to be unaffected a bit whether you are sittin' or standin' or somewhere in the midst of the two. End of report.

*other than my lack of a decent non-overused idea.

**except that I didn't want to interrupt my endless observation of the occurrences on Blind Date.

Do what? he says

Just saw the commercial for The Terminal and one reviewer supposedly said it was Tom Hanks best performance since Forrest Gump. I was always under the impression that his performance in Castaway was untoppable. Oh wait, I forget, that was the movie where he actually got shown up by a deflated soccer ball. I heard that Spaldin' had first been pegged for that role, but Wilson got it when they decided the budget did not allow for the type of money that Spaldin' was requestin'.

Bull's eye!

With the right attitude, drugs are redundant. - Rocket Jones

Marvin the Martian is quakin' in his boots

CNN is reportin' that Spaceship One has finally flown far enough from the surface of the Earth to qualifiy as space. Is it too early to buy a ticket to the moon?

I still think I need some goats

I am tellin' ya'll, no matter how much I gripe, my dogs just won't eat enough grass to keep my yard from gettin' a foot high. Yep, it finally did get cool enough to do a bit of that primitive method of grass cuttin' and I put in a pretty good 15 minutes of it until I started wonderin' where I had put those gloves I simultaneously bought so as to assist my hands in grippin' the handle good enough durin' the hundred or so swings I made. I did cut down a lot of tall weeds, but the grass didn't seem to actually cut as much as just bend down out of the way. Still, at least I felt like I actually did try, that I might have assisted my health condition in some way, without deterioratin' it any further*, and likely did very little harm to the environment as I am pretty sure there were not even any methane emissions durin' the weed cuttin' ballet.

Even though it was just a bit before dusk, it was still pretty humid and hot outside, so I didn't want to work myself into a heat stroke. Some perspirin' ain't harmful, but sweatin' yourself to the point of dehydration ain't a smart move even when ya are young. It is even worse when you get to the age where people often think you are old enough to qualify for the senior citizen discount at fast food restaurants.

That scenario occurred yesterday when I was in the neighborin' town gettin' that meal that I consumed just prior to the shoppin' adventure. That is the third time I have found myself granted the senior citizen discount when purchasin' a meal someplace. Now, the very first time it occurred was at Furr's Cafeteria just prior to to my havin' moved from Dallas, so that makes it at least 4 years ago. I was 45. The second time was a couple of years ago, and then yesterday. I promise you that the meager amount of money you save on your meal ain't worth the trauma of realizin' that to some young person, you look aged enough to qualify for charity. O' course, as someone mentioned yesterday, I could have the body of a 20 year old, but with my head full of mostly none or white hair, includin' the close cropped beard on the bottom half -- the assumption quickly goes toward December, not May.

The navel still seems to be ignorin' all my efforts to coax it to try postin' on its own. I have inferred that it has no interest in doin' much other than hangin' out someplace with cool air blowin' 'cross it. Thanks to my efforts of this mornin', it is gonna get its wish for the first time this summer within the habitat. Until now, such moments were restricted to those brief car excursions to this locale or that. Gonna get to it! End of report.

[UPDATE: Why I decided to open and read some blogs after postin' the report is beyone me, but it took somethin' as snarky as this comment by zombyboy to drive me into postin' an update to such report.]

*I finally had someone give a name to the ailment I am sufferin' from on my right arm: tendinitis. She said it could be cured with cortisone. As far as I know, I did not greatly aggravate it swingin' that blade.

Yes, I do read people's remarks

Scott made some comments about the Texas blogroll movement, which is movin' more like a armadillo layin' on the side of the road than the quickly scurryin' horny toad I had been hopin' to see. Stirrin' his comments into the sloshin' slew of thoughts already goin' 'round in my head, here is my newest creation:

Claim your place:

Happy Father's Day*

Well, so far it has been a non-routine Sunday. In my case, it really has nuthin' to do with today bein' Father's Day. Have I mentioned lately that my own father has passed away and that I am childless? Ya can see why I have no reason to celebrate, right? I really had completely forgotten today was Father's Day for most of the week, and only was reminded of such durin' last night's shoppin' spree at Wally-Mart where I was made privy to many a youngsters conversation with their siblin's about what to buy for the father. I am pretty sure there will be a lot of DVDs given around from what I observed. Who knows? I ain't gonna be a spectator of such, so it is only a guess.

I guess I failed to mention that shoppin' trip on last night's Nightly Navel Gazin' Report. I was really tired, for some reason, by the time I got around to doin' that report. Anyway, I was goin' to the neighborin' town to eat and maybe to watch a movie, but I went by the theater and I really was not all that thrilled with any of the movies showin'. I have seen enough in the previews of The Terminal that I am not all that worried about 'waitin' it to come out on video/DVD in a few months. Around the World In 80 Days is a remake, and I have the original movie. I know the story pretty well, so I passed on that one as well. As I seemed to have no further plans, I decided to go shoppin'.

I actually finally bought the LOTR DVD set which was cheaper than it was at Fry's so I was right to pass it up last week. I also bought a room A/C so as to put in my bedroom. I figure it was better than sweatin' to death because the heat pump central system seemed not to have assisted me at all. I bought a few other items, as well, but nuthin' really worth mentionin'. There was one item I was lookin' to buy that I was unable to find at Wally-Mart, and, as it was after 10:00 p.m. before I left the store, I was unable to go to Home Depot for such.

I had actually watched The Fellowship of the Ring just a couple of days ago, so I likely ain't gonna watch the whole series today. Give me a week or two and then I might be ready to do so.

This mornin', I decided, was a good time to install that A/C in my bedroom. The window, like ever' other window in this old house was stuck, so that was the first problem with which I had to deal. A couple of pry bars and a hammer and I managed to get it up enough to allow me to slip the A/C through. I actually made sure of such by puttin' that little A/C unit in place, then took it back out so as to do the window preparation. Of course, I somehow gouged a good part of my arm while doin' so, as well. However, eventually, that job was completed and the room seems to be coolin' down nicely.

My grass is really high right now. It rained forever the week before this past week, so my lawn guys never came around. I expected them ever' day last week, but no show. I have no number for them, and the guy I know that knows how to contact them is the one who I went to visit in the hospital. I came to the conclusion that I needed some way to keep it from lookin' like my yard was a jungle, so I went and bought a Sling Blade, just a few minutes ago. That was what I had been lookin' for at Wally-Mart which I did not find. I suspect that I will go out and knock the high weeds and high points of the grass at some point later. Right now, it is too hot. What do ya wanna bet it will be a really good cardio workout when I finally get around to it. I have not cut grass with a sling blade, also called a swing hoe or a yo yo, in years. I mean a lot of years --- more than 30 by my count. I think I do still know how to do it. I think I still can do it. I will let ya'll know a bit later.

*Limited, of course, to all of those to whom such wishes are appropriate.

June 20, 2004

A week later and Bill is Mayor, and his patrons and benefactors are pleased he knows the language of his constituents, but the story continues, it appears. We are to be held in suspense, or held up by suspenders, or some other such nonsense until babes and babies are mutually kissed to Opus' satisfaction. Ack! Thffft!

The fog that Susie left behind

Susie likely worked all day to escape the fuzziness that invaded her thinkin' process earlier today, but regrettably it found another's thought process to invade as a consolation prize. I know, however, that, as my thinkin' process is nowhere near as involved and as influential as the thoughts which come outta Susie's brain, so can't be of the opinion that the fuzziness is feelin' all that warm and fuzzy in the midst of my cobwebbed neuronic pathways.

Speakin' of fuzzy, it seems I was not keepin' as good an eye on my navel as I had thought, as there is a large, very fuzzy glob of lint inhabitin' its recesses. I am of the belief, however, that I shall be able to extract this foreign invasionary substance with my bare fingers, but should that fail, I possess a good selection of finely crafted instruments to assist me in more advanced procedures. End of report.

Meanwhile, in another part of the galaxy

OldCatman mixes entertainment with politics like no other.

Why am I suddenly hungry for pancakes?*

Oh cool, The Simpsons is on. So, that almost drew my attention from what I came to blog 'bout. Thankfully, a page still open served to refresh my memory of that mission: despite my best efforts, I keep findin' spellin' mistakes in some of my older posts from time to time. How? I continually find these GOOGLE searches usin' misspelled words assistin' people to find my site. I am not really sure I want to get high returns on a search for prhistoric dinosaurs.

*A barrel of monkeys goes to the one who can figure out how such title mysteriously appeared as published.**

**And a handful of kudos to anyone who actually understood any meanin' of any kind whatsoever from the precedin' footnote.

Jes' checkin'

Been downloadin' some software today, doin' a lot of rebootin' as is necessary from time to time when ya are installin' programs on Windows, although I would suspect there ain't many 'mong ya'll that was not already aware of such. The actual reason for this post is to allow me to test one of the programs I downloaded. Live with it, OK?

Papa's got a brand new box

Well, it might not be the very first blog post done on my new toy. What can I say 'bout it, 'cept it is the first time in a long time that I spent more on my latest computer than I did on my very first car, but I shelled out a bit more than 6 times the $200 that 1968 Plymouth four door Fury III cost me in 1972 for this sleek blue fast back Toshiba Satellite,* complete triplet connection capabilities, 4 USB drink holders built in, & packin' a P4 2.6 with a broadscreen viewport. This baby moves fast, although only possible connection currently is through that third world phone line.

One of the things this box purchase does is get me outta of that chair in the other room so I can actually sit in my comfortable chair with As Time Goes By playin' in the background. I jes' finished watchin' Casablanca which I got in a Humphrey Bogart movie set at Fry's at the same time as I was buyin' the blue, black, and gray flat top box of which I spoke above. I already had this one in VHS form as it is one of the Best Picture winners. I am still only 5 to 7 short of havin' them all. I was actually intendin' to get the three movie set of LOTR so as to get last night year's winner yesterday, but after checkin' it out, decided it was cheaper at Walmart, or I wasn't sure of such. Anyway, I passed on it. Casablanca, by the way, is that among that handful of movies that I feel actually deserved Best Picture honors as bein' 'mong those really great movies that have graced the silver screen. As I already possessed this movie, I wished they could have substituted another great pairin' of fantastic performances, The African Queen, with Bogey opposite Kate Hepburn. The four movies in the set are the aforementioned Casablanca, The Big Sleep, The Maltese Falcon, and Key Largo.

So, anyway, ya'll may have wondered why I decided to invest my vacation money in a new computer: is it because I needed somethin' more portable that I could transport to court, on business trips and such so as to have constant access to documents vital to my activities? [or] maybe so that I would have some way to work on my book while I awaited the court process to proceed to a point where my action was necessary, thus allowin' me to make better use of my time? [or] maybe it was so that I would have internet access at various locations such as coffee houses, book stores and various inns that I might frequent as I travel for business or pleasure? Well, surprisin'ly it is actually none of the above. Nope, my sole purpose for purchasin' this sleek laptop 'puter is so that I can begin givin' my navel bloggin' lessons. Hopefully, despite what I expect to be an very arduous effort in the future, at some point, this blog might actually publish a Nightly Navel Gazin' Report™ constructed by the concerned offendin' navel itself. However, please let me warn ya --- don't hold your breath! End of report.

*I almost failed to mention that the last time I shelled out this much money for a single computer, all I got for my money was a lousy 486 DX2 50Mz Packard Bell Multimedia system from Best Buy which was my first, last and only purchase from that retail organization. Let us only say it had somethin' to do with a place sellin' computers not keepin' a database of those customers to whom they had sold extended warranties.

Story says John Kerry is a crook

Yep, some law student, Jonathan M. Stein, says that Democratic candidate for President of the United States, John F. Kerry, is illegally acceptin' payment as a Senator that he is not supposed to be gettin' in accordance to the U.S. Law, and has filed an official ethics complaint. Of course, I am sure that JFKerry really needs the money to keep his family fed, right? I mean they can't just live off of ketchup, can they?

Thanks to Ironbear for shinin' the light of justice on this scene.

Tig's final take on the weblogs.com scenario

I have perused a lot of comments here and there sayin' how very horrible it is to find your bloggin' home gettin' wiped away without any warnin'. Jeez, folks, yeah, I guess it does stink, but it ain't like your trailer was blown away with all of your belongin's in a tornado, hurricane or some other natural disaster. Really bad things can happen to a person with no warnin', like gettin' killed in an auto accident due to a faulty tire or a meteor falls from space and collides with your skull. I suppose if my blog did disappear, it might be very upsettin' to me, but prolly not as upsettin' as gettin' screwed by an insurance company when you lost a car that you had maintained so well, it ran like clockwork despite havin' almost 400,000 miles. Now that is somethin' to cry about. So, George, ya'll -- enough whinin' 'bout Winer.

An idea for the newest reality show

Well, accordin' to the latest news, the Al Qaeda terrorists have beheaded another American civilian, Paul Johnson. It really didn't come as a surprise to anyone, I suspect. I have also seen that the search for the Nicholas Berg beheadin' video is growin' again. That itself has given me an idea. I am gonna go out on a limb, a bit, here.* I am pretty sure that it might be a bit off color to say so, but if those idiot terrorists are gonna keep doin' this, they oughtta at least make it a bit more entertainin', right?

Separate the hostages into groups and have them compete with each other. Televise what occurred durin' the last week say about 7:00 pm Thursday, American time, call it Survivor: Al Qaeda, and at the end of each week's show, let the losin' team pick one of its members to be beheaded for the cause. Of course, to make it really interestin', the last one left becomes the head of the Palestinian Liberation Organization and is allowed to go free.**

*The view from here is lovely.

**I expect my creative scenario will play elsewhere before the weekend is over.

Another pearl I plucked from the inbox

As usual, this one comes from my Aunt 'Net:

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."

But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."

June 18, 2004

A bit of PC modfication done in honor of the Defenders of Texas project.

Q: What does a blonde an Aggie do when it gets COLD?
A: Sits around a candle

---

Q: What does the blonde Aggie do when it gets REALLY COLD?
A: Lights it

OK, so that left ya wantin' more? Well . . .

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk! He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living? "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling." "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. "Why did you do that?" "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.

They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. Remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.

"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you’re not allowed to bait 'em first!"

Stop it right there?

Get right back in here! 'Scuse me while I have a short conversation with my consciousness. It seems the want to drift off into the state of nothin'ness and I am needin' it to stick with me for a brief few moments longer to deal with this swirlin' chaos of life. Try to say that with a mouthful of saltine crackers.* I jes' don't know where to start. I could say it was hot, but then I mentioned yesterday how that ain't even news, and I can't milk it for the whole summer, anyway. People, this is Texas -- it is hot here in the summertime.

I had been plannin' a long diatribe about how I went to visit a friend of mine who was suddenly hospitalized with severe health complications and how such reminded me of my own mortality. I wanted to search with you for where the actual point is when the mindless immortally of youth sinks to the realization and eventual embracin' of the inevitability of mortality. My consciousness continues to slink off into the shadows. I am afraid I do not possess the capabilities to expound on that subject. Neither do I have sufficient -- I am losin' this battle. My consciousness jes' ran away with the remainder of that thought and my entire body spontaneously slumped as it drifted off on a glorious cat nap.

Navel is temporarily unobservable as it is occupied with its belly dancin' lessons.** End of report.

*I have no idea why that gag popped up at that very moment. It might have a deep significant meanin' which will make itself known upon further contemplation.

**A person would have to be holdin' a hand with crossed fingers behind his back to be able to say that about my belly, ya understand. On second thought, that idea might not be so far fetched.

An unobligatory[*] Blog Special for no reason at all

[*After a lengthy consultation with the judges, it has been decided that the proper term would be nonobligatory. But then you knew that, didn't you?]

Another inane thought that jes' popped into my head

If white is not actually a color, then my Fruit of the Looms are colorless -- at least, for the most part.*

*Stop your whinin', or whingin' if ya prefer, as I voluntarily confessed to the inanity of this message.

I just can't get a lucky break, it seems

Despite my best efforts, which involved my havin' actually become a part of a pool for the first time, I did not win even a share of last night's Lotto Jackpot. The Saturday night pot is gonna be $145,000,000. Of course, I ain't too sure it is a major claim to fame to be sayin':

"And we're nipping at the heels of the number one spot reached by a single-state Lotto jackpot," said Reagan E. Greer, Executive Director of the Texas Lottery Commission.

Ain't that kinda like sayin' We are doin' the very best we can to make sure that it is so nearly impossible for anyone to win our state lottery jackpot that it will continue growin' larger and larger, thereby enticin' more and more people to wager more and more money in hopes of winnin' such -- which, of course, makes a lot more money for us and even leaves a bit leftover to put into the general treasury of the State of Texas. Then, again, maybe I am readin' 'tween the lines again.

attribution: GolfGirl who admittedly bought a lot more chances on last night's drawin' than I did.

And yet the world did not come to a crashin' end

I thought I had come across a reference to this matter a day or so ago, but really was not aware that weblogs.com was a free blog hostin' service. I thought it was just a listin' service for showin' updated blogs.

So, I am just wonderin' how many bloggers lost their stuff? I am not aware of any of my faves who were hosted there, but, then again, as I was not aware it was a hostin' service, I am not sure who was hostin' on such anyway. I ain't missed anyone, have I? My mind merely draws a blank as I try to 'member those blogs upon which I hit a 404 here recently. Although I do recall havin' found one or two here and there, I cannot recall the specifics of which blogs they were or whether I was later able to find a way in the door.

Another thought, however, is that I am hostin' via Pixy Misa in a similar situation, in which Pixy provides the space for free. I can foresee the same scenario possibly playin' out for all of Munu at some future point, but I am hopeful our kind benefactor Pixy Misa will give us a bit of notice 'fore he pulls our plug.

attribution: Beth

I went, I met some new people, and I had some fun

Well, as some of ya'll likely know, I have been workin' on the Defenders of Texas* blogroll. As ya'll might see, there are a lot of blogs already there, but I know there a lot more than need to be added, as well. In fact, I was checkin' DFW blogs to find more Texas blogs for the blogroll and saw an announcement about a get-together tonight. I didn't have any real plans for tonight, other than to post this report, so I thought, why not go and meet some bloggers, have a couple of drinks, etc. Well, I did so. The trip was about 90 miles each way, took about 90 minutes both ways, but I am pleased to say that I think it was worth the time and trouble. There were somewhere about 12 to 15 different bloggers from the Metroplex there, and from what I could see, it was pretty close to bein' half glass and half guys, although, I think there were a couple of more guys than gals. However, that is still pretty good, in my opinion. I tried to talk to ever'one, but it was pretty loud in the cantina. My hearin' is not that good, especially if there is some loud music in the background, so I missed a lot of what people had to say. I did try to make sure that ever'one was now aware of the name of my blog, and hopefully, some of them will come around and leave a comment or two so that I can locate their blogs and see what kind of fare they have to offer. I had three ounces of the same liqueur I have on my coffee table in the livin' room, two ounces for which I paid $12 and the other ounce was paid for by one of the other bloggers there who just got a new job today. I hadn't expected that -- and didn't have an opportunity to thank whoever was responsible. If he happens by to see this, I just wanna say thanks for the drink. Sorry that I was drinkin' somethin' that was costin' $6 a shot, though.

I did not feel any romance in the air today, despite what my horoscope said this mornin', but I did find a lot of distractions at work, as I correctly forecasted this mornin'. Overall, it was a pretty good day, 'cept for the heat, but as much as I mention it on a regular basis, this is Texas and it is summer, so if it wasn't hotter than Hell, literally, most of us would be wonderin' what the heck was goin' on. We might gripe about it for the next two or three, or maybe even four or five, months, but we know it ain't gonna do a thang to change the situation. It is just somethin' to do, I guess, 'cause I bet Texans have been gripin' about how hot is was for ever' summer since Stephen F. Austin brought the first settlers from the US to what, at that time, was a part of the Spanish colony before Mexico declared its independence from Spain, and the colonists found themselves as Mexican citizens with the rules changed. Such was the catalyst that started the Texas rebellion that started with the Goliad massacre, the stand at the Alamo and ended with the defeat of Santa Anna at San Jacinto at the hands of the Texas Army led by General Sam Houston. Most of that rebellion was fought durin' the spring. I am pretty sure it would have been too hot to fight if they had waited until late June or July to fight.

Well, anyway, my navel is not complainin' a bit. In fact, it is bein' pretty quiet. Actually, it is always quiet in the literal sense, because it has no way to vocalize anythin'. Nope, most of the communication I get from my navel is done by body language.** Such is very limited, however, as it has no appendages to assist it in such form of communicatin'. I suppose mostly we actually communicate by my inferrin' what the heck I think it is tryin' to tell me. It ain't very accurate, I know, but then again, we ain't talkin' 'bout rocket science, either. End of report.

*Scott thinks the name is a bit inappropriate. I have already suggested that a good graphic artist might do a better job on the icon, and I am not so enamored with the name that I will not give due regard to any better suggestions.

**As if that was a real surprise, huh?

If only

OK, so this is outside the parameters of what I said you might expect from me, but, what the hey, right?

Your Wednesday, June 16, 2004, Taurus Horoscope!

Romance is all around your world today. The week begins with a new emphasis on feeling loved and excited by the pursuit of another. You might have to concentrate extra hard today just to get any work done.

Although some romance comin' into my world might actually be the perfect way to boost me me up and outta this current blue funk hole into which I have found myself, I am very sure that I already had enough distractions to keep me from gettin' any work done. I sincerely 'spect that the latter part of today's astrological prognostication will likely be found to be right on the mark.

My Official State of the Blog Address

OK, OK, I was sittin' here with my shirt off just lookin' down at my navel contemplatin' whether it was worthwhile to continue this activity, givin' due regard to those two or three people who actually showed some concern that I was thinkin' of quittin'. One person even mentioned that I was rude to have even contemplated such when they had just decided to become a regular reader. Another one emailed me and said I was actin' just like Rachel Lucas. So, given each and every such thought as has been brought to my attention, I have come to the followin' conclusion:

There are several fans of the Nightly Navel Gazin' Report™ who come by ever' day or two to check out how things are goin'. I, myself, actually love to do the weekly review of Berkley Breathed's new comic strip on Eye on Opus™ and also enjoy tryin' to find somethin' funny enough to share on the weekly Friday Funny™. As such, I will likely continue doin' such posts as regularly as I have been doin' for the last few weeks. I am also wantin' to continue my efforts in tryin' to build up the list for the Defenders of Texas, as well. As for lookin' around for other stuff to point out, I am sure most of my readers also read most of the same blogs I do, so they have likely seen such stories. I know that those whose blogs I read on a regular basis might be missin' my linky love, but the amount of linky love goin' 'round the blogosphere lately seems to have been slowin' down a lot anyway, as far as I can see from the links comin' back my way.

I ain't sayin' things will be this way forever,* but that is how I see things goin' for now. Since I am gonna slack off a bit, there is room for someone else to jump in and take up the slack if there is anyone out there** wantin' to do so.

If ya are wonderin' about my navel -- it is because of such that I have decided to continue givin' these nightly reports. It seems to bask in the glow of attention ya'll give it. Such seems to be a big deal to the little dimple in the midst of the soft mostly still black hairs on the summit of my plumb Buddha belly. It has asked me to thank all ya'll for the modicum of support you lavished upon it in the comments these last two days. I did not think it amounted to all that much, but it seemed to be sufficient to satisfy my navel. Squishybear's comment alone was actually enough to make my navel absolutely giddy, but it had asked me to keep that to myself. I, of course, want to do my very utmost to make these reports as accurate and complete as possible, and in that spirit, I felt I should share such. Just don't let my navel know. End of report.

[UPDATE: If a glum tiger is not in accordance with your current fancy, then yuo are more than welcome to go check out Smilin' Tiger [the dropped 'g' is my own fault] You won't find nuthin' of the sort ya find here there. Smilin' Tiger was found via Satisfied and Totally Relaxed.]

*Of course, if 50 different people linked to this post with somethin' sayin' how glad they were that I decided to keep this blog goin, such would do wonders to illuminate the dark spirit that seems to be hangin' 'round me here lately. I, naturally, ain't holdin' my breath 'spectin' such to occur. I ain't a big believer in miracles of such sort, ya see. I definitely would not waste George's time prayin' that He deliver such to me. These petty matters are not worthy of His concern.

**Except that such invitation explicitly excludes Kang A. Roo.

I am wonderin' upon just whose toes I stepped?

Wow, no one is visitin', commentin' or nuthin' here lately. Thinkin' back on my own history, I am pretty sure that I am not all that interested in talkin' to myself, so I readily 'spect that losin' any sign that there is an audience to hear what I have to say is a good way to make me disinterested in things. If the thoughts I am puttin' down are no longer all that entertainin' to more than one or two of you, maybe that is a good sign it is time for me to go back to keepin' them to myself. I am sure this won't be the best blog ever to die on the vine, huh? We already know it ain't the worst. Thankfully, I am almost sure that I will not be too sorely missed, as there seems to be plenty of other blogs out there. I am gonna contemplate givin' bloggin' up between now and the time to post the Nightly Navel Gazin' Report™, so if there ain't no report for the night, ya will know what decision I made, right?

I am a bit disappointed by SCOTUS

OK, so they dismissed the Pledge of Allegiance case by sayin' that there had no standin' to bring the case in the first place, thereby sidesteppin' the need to rule on the constitutionality of the matter. I would boo and hiss, but the concurrences do give some measure of redemption as to the stance the Court took on the issue, but still -- they skipped settin' a precedent on the matter.

100 Degrees of Perspiration

Well, the bank thermometer hit 100 today. I am unsure if it is the first time that the bank thermometer has done so, because I cannot remember whether it was put up before last summer or not. I am thinkin' it went up last fall, just after school started, but I might be wrong. Of course, that is not so very important, is it?

So, what did ya'll do today? I mean, other than avoid readin' my blog, 'cause that is so obvious it does not merit mentionin'. Me, I mostly contemplated my reasons for livin', and man, was that not ever a depressin' activity. I seem to be gettin' back to same point I have been tryin' to make forever and ever, that without a descendant, I have not fulfilled the ultimate goal of humankind. However, is not the situation mostly outta my control? Time appears to have assured the fact that I am gonna die without havin' done my part to assist the survival of the human species.

On the other hand, though, ya gotta determine whether such was a small part of God's larger plan for humanity, right? If ya finally throw up your hands and place the responsibility for your life's failures upon The Shoulders of God, then ya gotta wonder why He is doin' all of this to you -- why He picked you to be the one to live a wretched, miserable life? Is it not sometimes better to just sit around, covered in sweat, not doin' any thinkin' at all? If only I could suppress those vile, hopeless thoughts that plague my mind. That would, of late, at least, seem to include most of them.

I stuffed myself with an assortment of various foodstuffs for the biggest part of the day today. The purpose for my havin' done so is mostly unknown to me. For some reason, I just seemed to be hungrier than normal. If I was female, I might possibly assume I was pregnant or somethin', but since, I am not, I can only presume that the part of my brain which controls my appetite was a bit out of kilter. My navel is surrounded by a firm round full belly. Although the skin of my abdomen feels clammy, the navel is again dry and cool as a cucumber. You will notice that I did not say dry as a cucumber, because it is drier than that. End of report.

June 13, 2004

Last week's premonition finds fruition in this week's strip. 'Tis true, Bill has emerged from the fog to join Opus in the political foray that is quickly engulfin' Bloom County. I am still ponderin' the meanin' of the major emphasis placed 'pon the large object which Bill had stuffed into his Fruit of the Looms.

Channellin' the Wicked Witch of the West, me thinks

The humidity is so high, I would swear I am meltin', but that is likely due to the sweat pourin' off my body like water off a duck's back. Oh well, I suppose I Will Survive,* to channel someone else. Heck, and talk 'bout not survivin', with this post, all my hard work and all ya'll links connected with the 89th Carnival of the Vanities falls off the index page. If ya think 'bout it, though, givin' my previous normal daily numbers of postin's, the fact that such post has remained 'mong the last 25 posts after being posted over, what?, 10 days ago, is almost amazin', wouldn't ya say?**

Miraculously so, accordin' to my inspection, despite the fact that almost ever' part of my body is moist with perspiration right this minute, my navel is high and dry. I cannot explain why. Such is a mystery, a mystery without a clue as to why such is true. Thankfully, no one died and no one's life is hangin' in the balance awaitin' for such mystery to be solved. That mundane fact does allow me to go to bed with a clear conscious -- I think. I can't think of anythin' to feel guilty 'bout -- well, 'cept for those 3 or 4 loads of laundry sittin' here and there to be done, and all that trash layin' round that needs to be gathered up and sent to the curb, and, I guess those two sinks of dishes that need to be washed. OK, OK, so I do have a few items to feel guilty 'bout, huh? Thankfully, I am still too tired to think 'bout em. Of course, I can't say the same thing for tomorrow mornin', so if ya'll don't hear all that much from me, I will likely either be doin' some laundry, washin' some dishes, takin' out the trash, or sittin' on my lazy butt in front of the TV watchin' a movie. My arm still aches like it is about ready to fall off, but it ain't changed colors or anythin', so I ain't suspectin' any major injury. I am still just thinkin' it is due to some stress put on the bone or somethin' and it will go away at some point in the future. Of course, that point in the future could be after my life is concluded, but I am not gonna worry too much 'bout it, as I am almost sure it is not a life threatenin' condition. Neither are drippin' pits, thankfully. End of report.

*Gloria Gaynor?

**In the same vein, I thought it miraculous that I likely ran Ad-Aware for the very first time without it findin' anythin' to complain about on my computer.

Who is bloggin' on Saturday?

• Susie said somethin' 'bout her pipes bein' rusty, but no need for us to worry.
• Gennie said she has some work to do locatin' one hit wonders.
• Annika reviewed yesterday's memorial service for the late and great President, Ronald Reagan.
• Stevie pondered the aroma of hay while ponderin' the weirdness of men.
• Kevin Aylward is quotin' Buck Starr whilst postin' pics of his baby.
• James Joyner regales us with startlin' as well as startlin'ly good evidence that the National Enquirer may be among the most reputable news source.
• Jim has discovered that John Kerry does not know This Land is Your Land.
• Tony has been watchin' movies.
• Cracker Barrel Philosopher reports on a strange reunion, of sorts, at Columbia Law School.
• Rob blogged 'bout both tomatoes and bugs but not tomato bugs.
• John says he has been dreamin' of Dawn.
• Deb finds that there is nuthin' in her head worthy to share.
• Steve might have posted his shortest post ever.
• Not too surprisin'ly, Rocket Jones is off somewhere shootin' off rockets today.
• Emperor Darth Misha I is keepin' a close eye on the Sauds. and
• Owen is spendin' a fascinatin' day readin' 'bout Son of Sam while Jed is spendin' all day playin' this FLASH video over and over and over.

All of that, just to answer those critics who say I no longer do nuthin' but blog 'bout my navel.*

*Not really. If ya'll haven't noticed, of late, it is seldom that anyone comments 'bout anythin' I do on this blog.

Of animals and snares

Well, the email with all the available zoo tours needin' to be covered came through the other day. As I am practically frazzled to the bone -- in desperate need of a vacation, methinks -- I passed on signin' up for any more for this month. When the mass call for volunteers goes out, it is fairly easy to sit back in the shadows and watch others step forward to fill the spaces.

One of the spaces was for today, however, and I suppose no one stepped up to take it in response to the email. How do I know this? I know this because I received a phone call. This has become the way I most often sign up for these tours, these days. I happen to be the only docent that resides close to the local wildlife park. Many of our volunteers drive in from Fort Worth or Dallas. As such, it actually is less trouble for me to go donate 3 or 4 hours of my time than to ask someone to drive an hour and a half to do so and then drive an hour and a half back home. I have advised them to always call me first if they have an urgent need. They did and I am gonna be goin' out to give a tour behind the scenes for some special group this mornin'.

Ya wouldn't think it would be all that hard sittin' in the front of an open topped van just tellin' people 'bout this and that, would ya? It really ain't, 'cept it will be hot, my throat gets parched despite the fact that I will be suckin' mint drops and Dr. Pepper intermittently durin' the tour. The worst part is the continual cranin' my neck around so as to talk to those sittin' behind my seat. My neck stiffens up quite nicely.

If ya get really lucky, there will be a new docent in trainin' that is needin' to learn the roads. That will allow you to sit in the back with the crowd just behind the drivers seat. From this position, you can easily direct the driver and easily provide the immense amount of knowledge you impart to your guests without excruciatin' neck pain. I am hopeful, but not overly so, that I will have a driver for this tour. Driver or no driver, one group of fine people is gonna find themselves havin' a load of fun at my expense today -- complete with my permission, however.

Keep the jacket, Jack

I came in a few hours ago and sat here lookin' at this box with a lame brain and could not come up with a single idea about anythin' to say. So I got up and went back in the other room and watched Kangaroo Jack without a thought about not bein' able to come up with a lame brain idea --- then, durin' the closin' credits, when I was ponderin' the sort of lame brains that came up with the idea for that movie, I thought, wait, maybe I have something to work with after all. I mean, did I not previously prove that ideas were forthcomin' from lame brains, so how could anyone ever be actually accused of havin' a lame brained idea, right?

OK, I am so very glad I was finally able to get that off of my chest. You just do not know how much it was pressin' on my mind. It was keepin' my mind from ponderin' the condition of of important things such as my navel. More importantly, however, it seems, with the scenes from the movie still fresh in my memory, I cannot seem to get my mind off of the chest of the young lady pictured.

OK, well, enough of the inanity. It is time to get serious. So -- the major dimple in the midst of my Buddha belly is sticky, sticky, sticky. 'Member that swelterin' day from a few days ago -- this might be its twin sister. It is a hot evenin'. How hot is it? Well, it is so hot that I was sweatin' 'afore I could dry off after my shower a bit ago. OK, OK, I know this was a very lame report, but don't forget that it all started off with my complaints of bein' lame brained and unable to come up with an idea. 'Zactly what did you expect -- rocket science? End of report.

May* June 11, 2004

Cessna: "Newark tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the Newark airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna: "Uh, um...tower, I'm parked on the south ramp. I just wanted to know where the fuel truck is."

*Wow, do I ever need a vacation?

Give the man a candy bar

Well, the StatCounter finally went over 100,000, or as renamed, 100 Grand. Whatever. I have noticed that my dearth of postin' as I await the healin' of the hurtin' of my arm has severely affected my readership, but then, again, it did not seem that I impressed that many new people to read my stuff by doin' that Carnival of Vanities either. So, now, just how did I come up with this sore arm? Oh yeah, attemptin' to do a great job on the Carnival of Vanities so as to hopefully increase my readership. Another good idea backfired.

I frequently wonder that my linguistic skills are not as impressive as I imagine them to be. It just may be that, despite my belief otherwise, I have a very lame sense of humor. I am often plagued by doubts that my belief in my own writin' abilities is so far off the mark, that my opinion that my book is destined to be a best seller might also be so very far off the mark. Have I have already wasted too much of my time on it?

Tomorrow is a holiday for the District Courts and the post office. It probably includes banks, as well. Of course, our local court is not taking a holiday. Its one monthly court date was scheduled for tomorrow's date a long long time ago. There was surely not enough time to reschedule ever'thin' so as to accommodate an impromptu holiday in honor of a recently deceased former President. As seems to have been SOP these last couple of months, I did not receive a docket for tomorrow's court date. It may be that I have nuthin' on the docket. I find that hard to believe, and, as such, I intend to be present.

Today was a fairly pleasant day, weatherwise. No rain. Of course, I did not sleep last night, as is normal with all those antihistamines in my system, but, as is also normal, I did rest fairly well. I am quite weary at the current time.

My belly is quite full and plumb and my navel is stretchin' and exercisin' in syncopation with my breathin'. It might be preparin' to compete in the Olympics. Isn't belly dancin' an Olympic event this year? End of report.

Zombie of the day

I awoke this morn to a ragin' sinus headache and no water. No hot tub of water in which to soak my weary bones. No way to rinse away the weariness that eagerly clings to my consciousness each mornin' so as to bring it to a point of readiness necessary to face the day's activities. And I had court.

As there was no way to clean myself, I donned my clothes and headed out for my quick pick-me-up mornin' cup of Dr. Pepper, unsure if the fountain would work if there was no water. On the trip up, I downed four antihistamine tablets. I walked into the store to see a sign proclaimin' rest rooms off limits due to the water bein' shut off. I approached the fountain, filled my cup with ice, and put it under the spigot. With my other hand, I pressed the dispense button, and watched as the cup filled with Dr. Pepper. I was almost sure the fountain would not work without there being water pressure in the line. I guess I will never know by the results of this experiment, however, because, as I left the fountain area, I could hear the tanks on the bathroom toilets beginnin' to fill. So, I am not sure whether the water service was restored before or after I pressed that dispense button. I drove toward the courthouse and downed a couple of sudafeds, as the headache did not seem to be subsidin'.

Somewhere in the middle of court, the effects of the antihistamine megadosin' started to be felt. The headache subsided, which was the upside. The bad side was that the ephedrine had increased my heart rate and my skin was electric. Ever'thin' was not quite as clear and ever'thin' sounded as if filtered through a wahwah box on the way in. Thankfully, I was able to keep my wits about me, even though it did feel like ever'thin' about me was happenin' in slow motion.

Court lasted a bit longer than I had expected, so I was late to Lion's Club, but not too late. I ate, voted on a couple of matters, and the meetin' was adjourned. I walked back to my office, flipped the sign to reflect I would not be back for the rest of the afternoon, took my hot bath and laid down for most of the afternoon. I got up, took my movies in, rented more and came home and watched two movies. I am still feelin' a bit loopy, and am gonna go back to bed and rest the night away, hopefully sufficiently so that I may effectively deal with court tomorrow. Oh, did I mention that it rained all day again today? I am beginnin' to think I need to be buildin' an ark. I did think it was funny to see how many people like myself gathered early at the riverside to see how high the water had risen. It 'twern't near high enough to begin to come out of its banks, but little towns that are built along rivers worry 'bout such stuff when it has rained three straight days in a row. I saw some very sizable tree trunks movin' fastly through the foamin' Paluxy River. It is the fastest fallin' river in the entire state, and dumps into the Brazos just east of town, so The Brazos would have to be severely swelled to 'cause the Paluxy to exceed her banks on any normal occasion.

Damned headache is attemptin' to reassert itself, so guess I had better deal with it. I am about sweated out, so navel is clammy and dry, and so very very apathetic. End of report.

Singin' it right down the middle

I was thinkin' 'bout that GEICO gecko --- not sure why, maybe it was the inanity of that television commercial where it, the aforementioned gecko, is sittin' in the back of the family wagon singin' Ever'body was Kung Fu fightin', but then maybe my thoughts were thusly directed as a result of my inability to remember but one phone number: 1-800-GEICO -- woah --- that ain't right --- that is two digits short . . . OK, let's go to Carrot Top: 1-800-CALLATT -- that's enough numbers, ain't it?. Thusly, flitterin' off on imaginary wires, goes the soothin' mental picture of the little grayish green gecko. The empty space therily left behind is very quickly consumed by the raucous raspin' roar roilin' outta of the craw of that rascally redhead. I tol' ya'll a'fore that I was a cunnin' linguist™, right? And ya'll do know what that means, doncha? Yes, Virginia, it does mean that I am full of [expletive deleted].*

How can it rain all day long and be so damned hot? A total day filled with that swelterin', steamy sensuous sweat inducin' moisture laden air that can choke the life outta ya, ala Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Ya know, they didn't really have any actual cats on hot tin roofs in that story, doncha? Doncha think it would be a bit better if they had? I bet a cat on a hot tin roof don't do much pussyfootin' around.

This kind of weather is also sticky navel weather. I shall leave all the possibilities of such scenario to your own wicked imagination.** Feel free to share any juicy stories. End of report.

*Anyone know what words ya can use and still be a G rated site?***

**Ya'll exceptions to the rules are free to excuse yourselves from inclusion in this set.

***As if!

Iowa man with loose chalupa

DES MOINES (AP) — A man who claimed he didn't get the taco he paid for has been charged with assault for allegedly pelting a Taco Bell clerk in the face with a chalupa.

Nomination by Kevin himself, of Wizbang!

Venus comes between Earth and Sun

Yep, the Venus transit across the face of the Sun as seen from some places on the Earth is today. It has begun. It may be over. It likely will not happen again in your lifetime. It is cloudy and rainy here and we are completely unable to even see the sun. From what I had previously heard, those in the US on the west side of the Mississippi River would not be in a position to see the phenomenon anyway. Oh well, there are always photographs. Here is one from a good vantage point in Islamabad.

Today would have been my mother's 69th birthday had she survived this long. RIP Mom. Speakin' of dead people, Reagan is still lyin' in state in California, in case ya want to go see what his dead carcass looks like. I have already seen all the dead carcasses I care to see, but doubt I am done with viewin' them for the remainder of my lifetime. Lookin' into cold lifeless eyes just always gives me the heebie-jeebies. I would rather view astronomical events than dead bodies.

The strangest coincidence might have gone by unnoticed

Am I the only one that noticed that Reagan died durin' the celebration of the Queen's birthday? Uh, once I put that down on paper, it did not have that Kafkaesque feel that I had hoped. My arm will have to begin feelin' better soon or I am gonna lose my snarky edge, here.

'Twas a long day today, almost exactly 24 hours long, it would appear. Ain't that strange how that matches up? Of course, that 365.25 yearly orbit cycle is the bizarre part. I mean -- a quarter of a day? Is such merely a small miscalculation in the proper calibration of solar system based time? Ponder the philosophical implications of that fact, if ya will. Me, I have always thought all time should be based upon somethin' a bit more static than planetational rotation and orbitation cycles. Let's all set our clocks to the beatin' of a hummin'bird's wings. I think if we picked up the tempo just a bit, we could cram a few more hours into ever'day hereafter.

Oops, was that an intestinal grumble or did my navel voice an objection to my theories of time modification? Could my navel have finally taken notice of some part of the big colorful world that surrounds it, albeit, often hidden from view, concealed behind a shielding barrier of cloth? My poor navel share an existence similiar to that of a Muslim woman's face, I suppose. The implications of that coincidence are frightenin', horrifically frightenin'. End of report.

It's over way a'fore the end

Yep, I needed this weekend to be a couple of days longer. I fret yet that my navel is not sufficiently rested -- or was that my arm? I'll mull that over while I doze. End of report.

June 6, 2004

Breathed returned a semblance of his superior artwork in some of the backgrounds in this week's strip. I found the strip pleasin' to my eye but thought the actual dialogue was a bit lame. Today's final panel, however, did disclose the eventual return of one of the more popular characters from the Bloom County past, who has, as luck would have it, just lost his stunt double gig playin' Garfield in small town mall appearances hypin' the soon to be released movie.

It ain't over until the last man falls

or somethin' like that. My thoughts are scattered. I have input a lot of information into my cerebral data processor and it is chewin' that data up and dispensin' mindless blather as I compose this evenin's prose. Erratic sparks among scattered neurons. Click, whir! Reagan died. I was sad to hear the news. I just thought he had died a few years ago. Sorry 'bout that President Reagan, RIP, but 'twern't meant as anythin' of an offense matter, sir. I voted for ya, ya know. whirl, crackle, click! I went to the movie and saw Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Somewhere.* Go see it, don't take small children. Clink, clatter, clunk. Back home. I watched Enterprise on UPN and Are You Bein' Served on PBS. Now how's that for a festive double feature?

Here I am. I see that no one has been around visitin' today --- as I expected. I see no one has commented. See, I am really startin' to get the hang of this bloggin' business. Already, I can tell ya that Saturdays are dead, dead, dead, like three shots from the pistol of the man with no name in a Spaghetti Western from the 70s. My arm still hurts.

navel, sweet navel
severed was our connection
young mother and child

Haiku, haiku very, very much. [said in my best Elvis impression, o' course] End of report.

*As if the actual place name has any actual relevance to the story.

The sore arm hiatus, day one

Hey, ya'll. Sorry 'bout the sparcity of postin' but as weekends are seldom good bloggin' days anyway, I figured it was a very very good tome to rest my sore right arm. The plan was additionally approved by my navel. As such, that makes it all right, right?

Oh, but before we close, question for ya'll all: If there was one feature on this blog that you could change, what would it be and how would you change it?

I will be collectin' homework papers tomorrow. End of report.

Defenders of Texas Update

OK, folks, the Defenders of Texas blogroll has been created, so let's get all the Texas blogs on the list and the list on all the Texas blogs. Whatta ya say?

If ya wanna see if you are already on it or wanna see who is on it currently, it is all the way at the bottom of the left side column.

June 4, 2004

A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival. The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily "I never make way for fools!"

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said, "I always do."

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact

"Mary . .. Mary . ..."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Florida.

Thank George that it has come to an end

Bad day in the life of this blogger. Nuthin' life threatenin'. It seems that jes' when ya think ya are seein' daylight, along comes another load of crap in which to find yourself buried. Yeah Life! Savin's Grace: It can only get better. Navel is appropriately poised as normal. End of report.

Thursday dawns with clocks flashin'

I guess I might have have been a bit psychic when I decided to post the Nightly Navel Gazin' Report™ last evenin' a bit prior to my regularly scheduled time, 'cause I had no sooner posted such, when a massive thunder cell moved into the area, a torrential downpour began, and the 'lectricity went kaput.

Oh, by the way, ya wanna know the corrollary to Murphy's Law that deals with creative writin'? The lack of access to adequate means of recordin' your thoughts is conversely proportional to the level of the brain's creative output.

Of course, I would have a massive court docket planned for today, so there I was --- bedtime, and I know that all my alarms are gonna be haywire when and if the 'lectricity comes back on. What to do, what to do? Well, there is an alarm function on my cell phone, so I go to set it to awake me at the appointed hour -- and notice its battery is very very low. Well, I plugged it into the charger and hoped the battery would last until the 'lectricity was restored so at least I would have some alarm to arouse me this morn.

I awoke with the crack of dawn, I guess. My head is already poundin' with a horrendous sinus headache, which will be addressed as soon as I am ready to begin the day. I want to eat somethin' to assist my stomach in dealin' with those sinus pills. O' course, the sinus alarm may have been my ultimate salvation, 'cause I discovered a problem with my cell phone alarm plan upon arisin'. The phone itself was set on silent mode.

I hope ya read the joke and laughed, 'cause . . .

that might be about the best thing you get. Me, I am tired, tired, tired. I am not sure how many hours I put into creatin' that Carnival of the Vanities. I see that some of ya'll actually liked it well enough to have commented a bit and to have linked to it with nice remarks on your own blog. I found that Glenn Reynolds no longer links the Carnival, or maybe he just didn't link it 'cause it was on my blog. Who knows? I ain't gonna worry 'bout it no how as I done gave up a long time ago 'bout worryin' what Glenn Reynolds was doin' in as much as my blog was concerned. I do all right without his involvement, anyway. Heck, I tromped the numbers I got from his InstaLanche with my hits on every misspellin' anyone could think of with regard to the decapitated guy.

click to enlargeNow, for the sake of makin' this report worth a hill of beans, or maybe even this won't do it, but ya can't blame a guy for tryin' --- I am gonna pretend ya'll are all from Missouri and show ya jes' what I am talkin' 'bout. See that graph? See them two huge spikes? Well, the one on the left is from the one and only time that Glenn Reynolds linked to me and the one from the right is the accumulation of the multitude of visitors that have come here in response to all the #1's I was gettin' on search engines from people misspellin' the name of Nicholas Berg lookin' for that video. That hoopla is finally dyin' down, as you can plainly see:

click to enlarge

And, despite the flurry of activity that resulted from the spellin' flaws of so many, my navel's ego remained in check. In fact, it appeared unfazed and unaffected durin' the whole ordeal. It was a staid and stoic belly button, one of the most heroic in my command. I was proud of it, and I still am. It is a navel that I am proud to be able to call my own. End of report.

Wednesday joke -- just because

I was gonna save this one for the Friday Funny™ but I might go home and fall asleep, then ya'll would come lookin' for a Nightly Navel Gazin' Report™ and find nuthin' funny enough to make ya laugh or whatever. Anyway, I like this joke. It ain't even got any double entendres* or nuthin'.

A golfer is out on the course on a lovely sunny day, about to tee off. Just as he lifts his club, and man comes runnin' up to him holdin' out a golf ball. "Wait!" he exclaims, "I have sumthin' really 'mazin' to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, asks, "What is it? Can't ya see I am tryin' to play some golf here?"

"It's a special golf ball! You can never lose it."

The golfer scoffs, "Never lose it? What ever do you mean? I mean what happens if you hit it into the water trap?"

"No problem," comes the reply, "This ball floats and it detects the closest route to the shore and spins in that direction."

"OK," says the golfer, "Say I hit it way off into the woods?"

"Easy," the other man replies, "It beeps so you can find it with your eyes closed."

The golfer is startin' to be impressed, "So, tell me this, say your round is runnin' a bit late and it gets dark, what then?"

"No problem 'tall," says the man, "The ball glows in the dark. I am tellin' ya, you can't ever lose this ball."

"I am sold," says the golfer, and he and the man arrange proper payment for the miracle ball. After the money has changed hands and the golfer has the ball firmly in his hands, he turns to the man and asks, "Where did this ball come from?"

The man replied, "I found it."

*Is that a French term?

Some of these quizzes have no possible right answers, ya know?

OK, to tell ya the truth, I could hardly find a single answer to any of the questions on this quiz I wanted to pick, so I guess by pickin' the ones that I was sure would not make me come out as the janitor, I ended up as:

Which Office Moron Are You?
Rum and Monkey: jamming your photocopier one tray at a time.

One could only wish to be so young again, huh?

Thanks to ... oh you already knew I got it from Lee Ann.

Who knew blue shrew?*

Kevin McGehee has located a few startlin' facts that might be of interest to those of you who failed the Moron Test.

*which all perfectly rhyme, unlike that hackneyed phrase 'How now brown cow.'

Some people are just so laughable

Comment to this post of mine - Is this what you're lookin' for?:

you people know nothing about islam and what islam teaches. First point, anyone who believes this video, is completely predictable. As a matter of fact, you are the reason the media manipulates the airways in ways to evoke a public response. This is similar to public relations. If you air certain messages, you get a certain response. Don't you get it. America has really revealed it's own barbaric nature in this war and now they want to shift the focus. What hasn't American officials lied about since this country was formed. You people, the gullable ones, the manipulators of public thought and perception thrive off of you guys. You are so predictable. The only thing America has strong left in this war is hate. Hate is now driving the soilders as well as public opinion. We lost justification so now we need a reason for being at war.
You people are so predictable. I am going to start a hate campaign against sheep. I am going to stage a video showing 3 sheep executing a bald eagle. If I get the same results as the CIA, I can get people to hate sheep. HaHaHaHa. You people are so predictable.

It was posted from some guy who called himself Marvin.

I guess some of ya'll might not understand why I think his comment is so laughable, but sheep killin' a bald eagle? Come on. Maybe if it was a sick, lame, eagle with a broken leg layin' on the ground watchin' the buzzards circlin' overhead and a flock of 3 sheep happened to accidentally stumble across its dyin' body and hasten its demise, yeah, OK -- possible. Anythin' else just ain't ever gonna happen. Even if they had the ability, sheep would not even approach a bald eagle, on a good day. Now, that is not to say that a bald eagle is the most bad ass animal in the animal kingdom, but sheep are mindless grazers oblivious to anythin' that goes on about them, kinda like the people who believe ever'thin' Kerry says or otherwise march to the beat of the screechin' moonbats of the left.

There is a definitely a kink in the works

For those of ya'll wonderin' where all the pings are from my postin' of the Carnival, I am wonderin' the same thing. I actually had a lot of difficulty jes' gettin' the Carnival to successfully post, an ordeal that required me to completely rebuild my whole site ... but it finally showed, but why I keep endin' up with a dead page 'pon tryin' to get it to successfully post the pingage is beyond me. I will try again on the cable connection when I get to the office.

On a completely other note:

If it was a car, it would be the bastard love-child of KITT and the Batmobile

it would likely be black, other than that, what you would get would be anybody's guess --- and just which Batmobile are we talkin' 'bout? Still, that Denita sure can turn a phrase with all kinds of visual gusto, huh?

And while we are on the subject of notes, did I ever tell ya'll that John is a punny* man? But at least he keeps an eye on the important** stories.

[UPDATE: Well, thankfully, the cable connection did finally allow most of the pingage to go through, but still it took like forever to rebuild the post and to send those pings. A couple of typepad pings:

http://www.typepad.com/t/trackback/782727

http://www.typepad.com/t/trackback/772690

failed to go through on two separate occasions with a read timeout error, whatever that is, so they may or may not have actually gone through.]

*Pun intended, of course.

*No sarcasm to be inferred.

Read My Lips Proudly Presents the 89th Edition of the Carnival of the Vanities

10 things about this Carnival of the Vanities:

1. This is the first time I have hosted a Carnival of this type, although I did once host a review of the blogs on the New Blog Showcase over a year ago.
2. This is the 89th running of the Kentucky Derby Carnival of the Vanities.
3. The Carnival of the Vanities was begun before I began bloggin'.
4. The theme of this Carnival of the Vanities is Host Chose a Picture to Represent Each Submission. I do not remember anyone havin' used that exact theme previously. I am mindful of the fact that I have now left the door open for Pixy Misa to choose write a song to represent each submission in next week's carnival.
5. The submissions are in the order of the time and date they were sent to me. I thought it was the fairest way, givin' the early birds the top spots and the procrastinators the spots at the bottom. However, some of the procrastinators had some very very fine material that you will miss if you don't scroll all the way down.
6. I did extensively search for the picture I thought best represented my feelin's about each post after my readin' and extensive perusal of such. I am proud of most of my selections. I thumbnailed each of them, but linked each picture to the original source. Clickin' on any pic will open a new window, so you won't get lost when you try to come back.
7. Just in case you were wonderin', I would personally appreciate commentary on how well you think I did in pickin' pictures to represent these submissions.
8. I have an innate tendency to call things as I see 'em. Some people get offended because I have no qualms in expressin' a viewpoint that is contrary to theirs. Just realize that by my doin' so within my description of your submission, it was not my intent to offend any of ya'll.
9. From my reading of every submission, I came away with the opinion that each blogger had put a lot of effort into the posts they submitted to this Carnival, and, as such, they do deserve recognition for such. Do click through and read these fine posts. Leave comments to let the blogger know what you thought of their efforts. It is a golden rule thing, folks! You would want the same, right?
10. I discovered that I it took a lot of work to properly present this Carnival. My havin' undertakin' this task immediately increased my admiration for those who came before me.

This is where you get started with seein' what all your friends and neighbors brought to show and tell:

a man on the hill gives us an excitin' assessment of Madonna's fall from grace - a most humorous, should I say, tongue-in-cheek assessment.

quasi in rem - Madonna Officially No Longer 'Like A Virgin'

Michele, stretchin' a title to its limits, did a fantastic job in her effort to defeat my abilities to describe her submission, but we shall just say that between bad food, screamin' kids, noisy folks playin' trivia, and poorly arranged seatin', she watched Dubya's speech. Here post recounts the speech and her night superbly 'cept I came away somewhat confused as to what name her momma used in winnin' NTN's Interactive trivia game.

A Small Victory - A Comprehensive Review of Bush's Speech, My Steak Dinner and Restaurant Trivia Games

John Rosenberg analyzes why the Democrats, vis-a-vis, Walter Isaacson, current president of the liberal Aspen Institute, has no understandin' of Ben Franklin's teachin's with regard to the proper use of humility, forgettin', however, to mention that such knife often cuts equally as well in both directions.

Discriminations - False Humility

Josh Cohen extensively critiques the problems associated with airline seatin' when it comes to comfortably accomodatin' people of a larger than average size. He additionally sheds light on a few other problems he has noted about air service.

d-42.com - Josh Cohen online: Fantasy of Flight

Trudy W. Schuett points to another blogger's questionin' of the ethics of the use of templated opinions in doin' massive promotions of certain ideas, then wonders at the ethics of public and private agencies that often create or adopt untruthful mottoes and sound bites.

WOLves - Question of Ethics

Stanley Forrester provides a thoroughly in-depth and informative, insider look into military discipline: what it is, what it ain't and what it should be. I searched for a picture of an Ancient Mariner gettin' lashes with a cat o' nine tails, walkin' the plank, or bein' keel hauled. I was unsuccessful in findin such, so ya just gotta settle for what ya got. Hey! Mac ain't too bad to look at, right?

Brownian Notions - Discipline

Solomon lambastes the popularly rated movie, Life is Beautiful, as havin' painted a less than accurate picture of the plight of the Jews under the Nazi regime in World War II. In other words, the scenes dealin' with Holocaust in this film were not as caustic as were the actual historic events.

Solomonia - Life is [not quite that] Beautiful

Dean Esmay has punched the buttons, tabulated the numbers, pulled the handle on the addin' machine, and come to the conclusion that the world is not even close to bein' overcrowded. Of course, it is mostly the world's prisons that are overcrowded.

Dean's World - Overcrowded Planet?

Vik Rubenfeld wonders why hatred exhibited against political candidates by the supporters of the opposin' party seems to build up to such a degree that there is always a call for impeachment on what he believes are minor incidents. In his opinion, such does very little to actually benefit anyone but does a lot of harm by distracting' the current administration from dealin' with more important matters.

The Big Picture - Abu-Ghraib... and Monica Lewinsky

Owen takes a deep hard look at addiction and the harm it causes not only to the addicted person, but to families, friends, and loved ones of said person. From my own readin' between the lines, I came away with the feelin' that someone close to Owen has recently died due to an addiction to some substance and that by postin' 'bout his feelin's on the matter, Owen is not only sharin' his views on a worthwhile subject, but is assistin' himself in personally handlin' the situation. Allow me herein to offer my condolences.

Boots and Sabers - Addiction

Mark Philip Alger examines feminism, from its roots to the bastardization of the cause by those whose agenda does not accurately represent the crusade for the betterment of the entire female sector of society, or at least that is what I came away with after two readin's and several consultations with both my dictionary and my thesaurus.

BabyTrollBlog - Red Eyed Ladies

Graham Lester attended a speech made by Presidential Candidate John Kennedy Kerry in which said Sen. Kerry outlined his multi part plan to improve the lives of every American and those that choose to love them. If I understood Graham's report, in a most magically delicious speech, Kerry promised all Americans that when he is elected, it shall be their lucky day.

point2point - Kerry Plan Promises Americans More Love

Joanie a.k.a. Da Goddess went in for a bikini wax and came out fully prepared to offer nose jobs. Ya'll people with the dirty minds are actually the ones on the right track, this time. She has additionally asked that I assist her herein to promote the widespread use of whale tampons her Memorial Day Project. I am glad to do so and just hope that I am not too late. Oh, and Joanie, if I could only twitch my nose like Samantha and make it all go away, I would do so. ;)

Da Goddess - Snorking, Hurling, and Bad TV Reception in Montana

Susie's submission has previously been given a superlatively snarky ride on my blog, but the serious problem with destructive monsters teenage boys must not have gotten the attention that she thought it deserved. She has begged asked me to tell all of you to go check it out, or otherwise, not only will she submit it to Pixy next week, she will force Frank J to French kiss both a hippy and a monkey at the same time. She wields the power to do so, ya know?

Practical Penumbra - I blame that pesky "y" chromosome

Tim Worstall feels like the War on Drugs has escalated to the point where the enforcers are now preyin' 'pon the citizenry like a pack of rabid dogs, seizin' property and puttin' families out of homes through drug forfeiture laws. In his opinion, it is time that we begin to fight back usin' Flower Power.

Tim Worstall - A Solution to the War on Drugs

Kevin Baker may have the worst timin' of this week's participants because he drew a lawyer that failed to buy his argument on his jury. The only apparent thing I discovered 'pon a thorough readin' of his submission, which, by the way, was, for me, somewhat akin to a poorly organized busman's holiday on steroids, is that Kevin post exhibits some unknown degree of disdain for judges, prosecutors and criminal defense attorneys. From followin' the whole discourse that eventually resulted in this summation, it was completely apparent to me that our esteemed Mr. Baker lacks any meanin'ful ability to view an issue from both sides. Of course, that is just my take on it, and I do now 'spect you to go and make up your own mind.

The Smallest Minority - Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, In Conclusion...

Evan is of the opinion that the baby boomer generation has pulled a Rumplestiltskin act and split itself right down the middle and has been fightin' with itself since the Viet Nam war era. Actually, he might be on to somethin'.

thomas.PostingStation.com - The two boomer generations

Kiril Kundurazieff challenges everyone to get a bit poetic. I guess I might as well give it a try. I think the followin' qualifies as a haiku:

A blurb I must do

to coax you to view this post

Will you please do so?

Sneakeasy's Joint - Haikus, Tankas, and Cinquains, Oh My!

Jim Peacock double dips with two entries, the first bein' from his highly acclaimed Zero Intelligence blog which keeps a keen eye on stories dealin' with Zero Tolerance matters in schools. The story he submitted for your review this week involved the investigation of a 7 year old boy who showed a toy gun to one of his classmates. That child's parents then alerted the police, which, likely in their best storm trooper manner, came to the child's house to search and seize the weapon. I actually had a very difficult time choosin' a pic to go with this one, but it did remind me of the inanity I felt when I first read Grisham's tale, The Client.

Zero Intelligence - Cops track down tot at home to take away his toy gun

From Snooze Button Dreams comes a surreal dream or is it a nightmare? It involves parachutes, anvils, terrorists, and somewhere in the end, Jim ends up cursin' some roadrunner or somethin'. At least, it was fairly easy to decide what picture to put with this one, just findin' it turned out to be the difficult part.

Snooze Button Dreams - These dreams in the mist...

Martin Lindeskog graces my hostin' of the Carnival this week by goin' back to a post he created on May 7 to celebrate the second anniversary of his blog, and, gives us great examples why his blog is amply named. He has a logo drawn by none other than those popular political cartoonists, Cox and Forkum, and seems to have a good friendship with them. He updates everyone about all the changes he had made durin' the last year and how much different his stats were at the end of this year than last year, Yes, he has a very nice blog, but when ya hit the link, keep your fingers crossed, because he is on blog*spot and it took me three tries before I hit the right post. It appears that if you are not already familiar with this blogger, this is a good time to get to know him.

EGO - ANNUAL BLOG REPORT II

northstar proposes that the Texas bloggers begin supportin' each other like the Bear Flag League and the Rocky Top Brigade and have a bash at Scott's place sometime in the near future responds to a recent TownHall.com article penned by one Michelle Malkin in which the Washingtonienne has been compare to Monika Lewinski. He comes readily to her defense, feelin' that she must really be too exhausted from her daily ordeal of tryin' to make enough money to support herself to do such on her own. Kudos for comin' to the lady's defense. ;)

The People's Republic of Seabrook - Come back when you have a real scandal, willya??

[Ed note: I actually had chosen Wonkette's picture before I noticed one of the links on the submitted post went to Wonkette's site because when it comes to women usin' their sexual favors to quickly climb up the career ladder, her name always comes to mind first. Strange that, huh?]

Ian Hamet, in a post most possibly not for the squeamish, gives a minute by minute report about a surgery matter from the discovery of the problem until the recovery. The biggest problem was that the surgery was done by someone who was likely not trained as well as possible before bein' allowed to operate.

Banana Oil - Perhaps I am becoming an Ent...

John Ray, not wishin' to be outdone by either Joanie or Jim Peacock, submitted an entry from 3 of his blogs. The foremost of these, in my opinion, was his long, well researched, diatribe in which he explained why candidates ideologies are less important that their stances on certain issues central to voter support.

Dissecting Leftism - CONFUSING THE LEADERS AND THE LED

On his Greenie Watch blog, we find a story about the politicization of a mythical scientific matter that is causin' some major problems in the energy business. O' course, the people deplorin' the way the energy is bein' produced are likely not ridin' horses to these rallies or readin' the works of Marx and Lenin by candlelight, I bet.

GREENIE WATCH - GLOBAL WARMING MYTHS ARE SERIOUS POLITICS: THEY COULD DENY ELECTRICITY TO PEOPLE

And lastly, on Political Correctness Watch we are told that government agendas attemptin' to attack the obesity problem are without any practical scientific basis. In fact, accordin' to all pertinent data, people are still healthier and livin' longer than ever before. As we are reminded, is not the biggest problem humanity currently faces the increasin' number of extremely old people?

Political Correctness Watch - FAT-HEADED IDEAS ABOUT FAT

bussorah has come up with some quite doozy [yes, Virginia, I did say doozy] questions to see if you are on your toes or if maybe you aren't really as smart as you thought you were. I have to admit, I was a thinkin' we were talkin' about the younger version of the herd on question number 2.

WICKED THOUGHTS - SOME TRICKY QUESTIONS

Libby Spencer correlates the data to show that the Office of National Drug Control Policy is shootin' itself in the foot as far as its target audience is concerned with all the anti-marijuana ads. I must, however, disagree with the point she attempted to make in her last statement that the government's view of the data is inconsistent with the reality of drug enforcement in the schools. Decreased use is not no use: the goal of zero tolerance fanatics.

Last One Speaks - Anti-drug ads just don't work

weasel watcher warns us to not to get too caught up into the scenario behind the recently released movie The Day After Tomorrow, as it is based upon junk science [hmmm, have we not already gotten that message from the post on Greenie blog?], but then goes and gives a scenario which might be more likely to happen at sometime in the future.

Watcher of Weasels - The Day After Tomorrow

David Patterson reports that techno geniuses, who always seem to be just a bit ahead of the their time, have come to realize that some people get a bit under the collar sometimes dealin' with answerin' machines, voice mail boxes and such, and are developin' software to detect which ones are about to blow their top so they can actually be transferred to a real human. Hopefully it won't be some manager who has his/her head up her ass, but the odds say otherwise.

Small Business Trends - Software to Detect Phone Rage

Laughin' Wolf has submitted a most excellent multi-post study of the Traditional Media, beginnin' with a study of the control of the flow of information from before the invention of the printing press to the present, the historical background for our belief in Freedom of the Press, and concludes with explainin' why the Traditional Media is slantin' the news to make it look bad for the current administration. Begin with the initial post penned on May 12, and follow the links to the end. You will gain more understandin' of the media circus and why the heck the media moguls are so damned afraid of bloggers. I'd have provided all those links for ya here, but I was runnin' a bit short of space, bein' as how I gotta always make sure I got room for the Dr. Pepper logo up there at the top for which ain't no one payin' me.

The Laughing Wolf - Do They Want Us To Lose? (Yes) Part I

Guy a.k.a. OldCatman is makin' his first ever appearance in the Carnival. He likely would not be appearin' herein 'cept he is a friend of mine and he requested that I include a post of his in it. He has, despite havin' been bloggin' for awhile, no concept of permalinks or of the need to actually use standard text in posts from time to time. Let me say that if you are unaware of the OldCatman, you have been missin' somethin'. Ever'thin' is done with graphics, almost always dealin' with major political figures and always slap dab hilarious. He is on blog*spot and probably still is not aware the reason he found himself recently to be unable to continue to use his former blog*spot blog was because he used up all the allotted server space by fillin' it with graphically created posts. But who cares? I am tellin' ya, even if the permalink don't work, you will still find whatever you find to be so hilarious, you won't mind scrollin' up and down searchin' for the post as dated below. Heck, this is the only entry in this Carnival for which I used a picture I took from the blog 'pon which I was commentin'.

OLDCATMAN-2 - Monday, May 31, 2004

Michael Kantor has done a bit of investigatin' 'bout the investigatin' of former Drug Czar Bill Bennett who seems to be in the midst of sex scandal situation. No smokin' gun has appeared, and as the supposed tryst involves a dominatrix, it is likely there ain't no Deep Throat involved either, at least on a very personal level, that is. My own personal take, unless he is compelled under oath to answer questions and lies about it, he ain't the heir apparent to the title "Slick Willie."

The Calico Cat - William "Bill" Bennett client of Las Vegas dominatrix

MJPechar discloses an interestin' story about the demise of the annual Western Washington University Pornfest, believed by many to be due to the complaints of the area perverts who were tired of findin' all the XXX Video stores picked clean durin' the event and the migration of the university's sexually repressed students and those that were wantin' to sleep with 'em across campus to the Women's Study Program where such topics as Puppy Love is not a Bad Thing and What is Good Enough for Kim Jong-Il is Good Enough for Me. Well, actually it was somethin' akin to such, but probably more academically inclined or somethin'. Go, read! Don't take my word on this one.

Interested-Participant - University Pornfest Canceled

Bill Adams ain't none too happy 'bout some academic conference centered around Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the TV show, not the campy movie it was somewhat based upon, mostly 'cause he figures they will muck up sumthin' like they are wont to do: usin' big words, comparin' this to that, analyzin' minutiae -- in other words, they are all actin' like academics. I, however, am of the opinion it is more likely they are just a bunch of sexual repressed nerds who want to jump into Buffy's bed world.

Idler Yet - Postmodern = Undead

Pietro thinks John Kerry is tryin' to pull a fast one on the American public with all his talk 'bout how he will deal harshly with terrorists. Now how can that be? Kerry stands strong behind the issues, every one of them -- on all sides, right? Surely, with a slippery position like that, he surely is slick enough to represent ever'one. Oh wait, this was about you goin' to see what Pietro said. Go do it!

The SmarterCop - He'd Crush 'Em

Dale Franks excepts portions of his book: Slackernomics: Basic Economics For People Who Think Economics is Boring and hopes that multitudes of ya'll readers will buy it and assist his economic status. I ain't read the book, so cannot give ya a review, so here is a bit of what Dale says is written on the book jacket:

If you think economics is boring, then maybe you’ve been learning about it in the wrong places. The humorous, informal style of Slackernomics makes it easy to learn a wealth of information that you will find useful in business, politics, or regular daily life. From the basics of economics to current political controversies, Slackernomics cuts through the dull, boring economic arguments you’re used to hearing, and presents them in a lively, interesting fashion.

QandO - Slackernomics

Bryan McAnally did not completely disclose the reason for his trip to another country, but thankfully it seems he was able to travel there without any problems. Of course, he found those Canadians are tricky enough to trap visitors by puttin' up speakin' cardboard people who engage ya in one-sided conversation and before ya know it, you have been lured into the Duty-Free store. Ya know, I guess I had watched Northern Exposure too many times to have gotten trapped to go in one of those Duty Free shops, and after readin' this post, I am so pleased of such. Here is your chance to visit one vicariously, and I am sure you will be glad you did so.

Spare Change - Duty Free

Rich Marotti is either whinin' 'cause Glenn Reynold's won't link him or let him sleep on his couch. I couldn't really tell. Mostly, I think this is about gettin' a lot of publicity on his move across the country so he can save as much on motel rooms as possible by gettin' a bunch of bloggers to let him crash on their couch. If I read his email right, this same post will be playin' at the Bonfire, as well. Hmmmm.

seldom sober - Semi-Regular Reminder

Eric Scheie counters Al Gore and many others' continued assertions that there were never any links between Iraq and al Qaida with irrefutable evidence, well, maybe not irrefutable, because some of the liberal moanin' moonbats seem fully able to refute the very nose on their own face if doin' so will make the Bush regime look bad, don't they? [Note, the pic is actually linked to the server of our own bloggin' pal, Steve of Pig on Ice, formerly Little Tiny Lies.]

Classical Values - Al Qaida in Iraq? Not in an election year!

Brian J. Noggle shared a story about some helpful citizens who thought they had spotted some possible terrorist suspects, but upon callin' the local FBI office were informed that, accordin' to the descriptions that were presented of the supposed suspects, such did not fit the profile of the subjects the office was investigatin' or some such nonsense.

Musings from Brian J. Noggle - Sending a Message

Sean Hackbarth delves deeply into a tragic situation in Milwaukee where two young black girls disappeared in a rushin' river and are believed to be dead, but for some reason, race is beginnin' to raise its ugly head.

The American Mind - Shameful

I guess we will close this thing out with this post of mine, though it is likely not that far away from where you are readin', it definitely is not gettin' the attention I want it to get.

Read My Lips - Callin' 'pon all the bloggers from The Great State of Texas

Upcoming Carnival of the Vanities stops:

June 9th: Ambient Irony

June 16th: Jessica's Well

June 23rd: A Single Guy In The South

June 30th: quasi in rem

July 7th democrats give conservatives indigestion

July 14th d-42.com

July 21st Soundfury

July 28th Jeff Doolittle

August 4th - Seldom Sober

August 11th - The Smallest Minority

August 18th - Fringe

August 25th - Ego

September 1st - Blogo Slovo

September 8th - Food Basics

September 22nd - The Eleven Day Empire

Callin' 'pon all the bloggers from The Great State of Texas

[Bumpin' this up to the top, as it seems to have been wholly overlooked]

Ya know, they seem to have good groupin's of bloggers, like the Rocky Top Brigade and the Bear Flag League, but I have yet to see any groupin' for Texas bloggers, although I know there are lots of us out there. I am proposin' that we start an association of such. If necessary, I am willin' to start a blogroll listin' of all Texas bloggers, and allowin' all Texas bloggers to just copy such onto their blog so that we can all have a listin' of all members of the groupin. Of course, we will need a name. I propose:

Now I am absolutely sure there are some better graphic artists out there, so it won't hurt my feelin's if someone comes up with a better logo than that. What is important is that we begin to recognize each other and let the world know that it ain't all that smart to Mess with Texans. So whatta ya say? Can I hear a couple of yeehaws and one yippee-yi-ooooo?

And another long day finally crawls to a close

Whew, seems that midnight hit in many parts of the world before here, but as of about an hour ago, I received the last of the submissions to the Carnival of the Vanities, and every submission has been handled, though most were not done with kid gloves. I mean, you got a link fest hosted by the king of snarky inaniacs and you think I let stuff go by without some commentin'? As if? But, despite all the fun, it was a chore. I am gonna post it a bit after I publish this report, but it will be dated tomorrow, or maybe today, if this report takes longer than I 'spect it to before bein' completed. Ya'll know I sometimes do run on and on.

Speakin' of runnin' on and on, what is it with ya'll runnin' in here and readin' all my funny stuff today and not leavin' comment one? I did post some pretty fine stuff today, or at least, I thought I did. But ya know, I really can't tell one way or another 'less ya'll give me a bit of feedback. It is kinda like these navel reports. I was of the opinion that they were one of the favored postin's I did on a regular occasion. Heck, I was about ready to open a cafe store with t-shirts and/or coffee mugs that said somethin' like "A good day always ends with a cup o' coffee and the Nightly Navel Gazin' Report." My other arm is startin' to hurt as bad as the one I been complainin' 'bout for the last several days. Good thing I ain't got no more laborin' to do on the Carnival.

See, I had this organization thing goin'. I would read the post, bookmark it, then go hunt up a picture to go with my feelin's 'bout the post or what knot, then I would create the entry, which would include the picture, with a link back to the original source of the picture, and some snarky remarks or somethin' then a close with a Nuggets and Gems type link to the post. I ain't counted how many submissions I got, but I think I got a bunch of them. Like I said, I took great pride in the production, but it was a painstakin' process creatin' the thing. You will see some of what I am talkin' 'bout soon. I have looked the whole mess over several times off and on checkin' for spellin' errors and stuff, and I think it is pretty well done.

It is a cool evenin' and I am sittin' here with my shirt off, ceilin' fan blowin' cool air downward. My gazin' of my navel is unobstructed by any barriers, bein' cloth or otherwise, and it is perky and pink, and delectable combination for a navel, at least for a white boy. Most of the surroundin' hairs, that little cherry mole and the plump Buddha belly are well within normal parameters, so all seems well on the navel front for this 1st day of June. Hopefully things will remain static until the next time we meet. Keep your fingers crossed. End of report.

The mailbag was full of it

Well, I got a ton of stuff from my Aunt 'Net in the inbox today, or it might have been over the last several days, as she mails to an account I rarely check 'cept when at the office. First off, none of this stuff is attributed, so if you know from whence it came or who originally wrote such, feel free to comment upon same and I will definitely update to give the necessary attribution.

This first item could be from Steve's cookbook:

Facts about diet and exercise.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ..... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now go have a cookie...flour is a veggie! If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me...

This second item is so apropos:

An old Korean vet sent this. [this was a part of the original email but was not directly sent to me, but was a forward from you know who]

Send old men to war

If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC. But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.

If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?" An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early (to pee).

If old guys are captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one." And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, to wear pants without the top of the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out, to learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home and to learn a little more about life before sending them off to a possible death. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten
cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

And then there was this last item:

Subject: Marines...

A squad of Marines drove up the highway between Basra and Baghdad. They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby on the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar state, but he was alert. As first aid was given to both men, they asked the injured Marine what happened.

The Marine responded "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier".

"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.

"I told him Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of crap and then the Iraqi told me that Tom Daschle, Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton, and John Kerry were miserable pieces of crap!"

"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.

"We were shaking hands when a truck hit us."

I have somethin' I wanna share, a'fore it slips my mind

Somethin' I heard on the radio this mornin':

[paraphrased from memory] You remember that problem they had recently with the gorilla at the Dallas zoo? Well, it seems that since that incident, the trainers have decided that all of the apes must remain indoors.

They probably ain't all too upset about it, if they have a good A/C system, I bet, and to insure that don't get bored, the trainers allow them to spend most of their time watching TV.

[Name forgotten], a 12 year old lowland gorilla, especially likes National Geographic Specials. He hates sports but likes animated Disney movies. The Little Mermaid and The Lion King are his favorites.

I just thought this was both fascinatin' and interestin'. There was no mention of whether or not the gorilla received visitors, but that might be in accordance with Robin Williams' wishes.

Well, it's over, it's already Monday Tuesday

Ya would think with a good 6 hours of sleep under my belt, my tired weary eyes would be feelin' a bit more refreshed than they do, wouldn't ya? I suppose another two hours or so of sleep would not kill me, but then I awoke earlier than I had to and I couldn't get back to sleep despite my best efforts. It ain't like I got nuthin' 'citin' lined up for today. It is mostly a slow day, with a lot of bill payin' to do. I thankfully have just enough money to pay the important ones.

On another note, I do suppose I could clean up around here a bit. It seems I am gonna have house guests today:

June 1, 2004: Your Tuesday Horoscope. Taurus!

The chance to revive enjoying your home life occurs today. There are numerous possibilities on the home front. Look to entertain a friend or two at your place as you focus on achieving for domestic bliss.

More to come, although likely to be intermittently.

[UPDATE: There might be a few of ya'll that are keepin' up with this matter, but this mornin' was the first day that my actual index page was the most popular entry page and not this one, although it is still a very close race. However, the index page, which historically always held the position of the most popular entry page by a huge margin, has not been the top entry page since May 12 . It might be a good indication that the insanity is finally wanin'.]

Where is the cavalry* when ya need them?

All of a sudden, I am so really really tired. My eyes are burnin' somewhat fierce, though, I am sure it is just the tiredness of a hard weekend sinkin' in. I am tellin' ya, ya'll likely don't know how much time I have spent in front of this here computer the last few days, readin' Carnival submissions and gettin' ready to show ya'll what kind of host I am. Some of ya'll might be happy and some might be sad, some might be pleased, and some of ya'll might be mad. However, ya'll can bet on one thing: it is gonna be a most fantastic carnivalisitic post. If some of ya'll have been scrollin' down, you might have already had a sneak peak into the proposed festivities, as I have been lookin' at it, huntin' for grammar mistakes, spellin' mistakes, tag mistakes and all other kinds of mistakes for a couple of hours. It seems that no further submission have come around this evenin' and whatever comes in now is gonna be done tomorrow. I wonder if it is already midnight Tuesday anywhere in the world so I can just shut to door on submissions? Oh well, hopefully there will not be that many more.

Anyway, like I said, I am plumb tuckered out. I am sittin' here in a pair of boxer shorts, not underwear, ya see, just a pair of shorts my mom and dad brought me from the Bahamas several years ago from a trip I paid for so as to give them some time to recover from somethin'. It has been too long for me to remember, and since they are both dead now, I suppose it ain't nuthin' all that important to remember. In fact, the only point about the whole thing is that I am sitting here is in shorts, and nuthin' else. Ya know what that means, don't ya? Yep, the navel is exposed and ready to be gazed upon. After havin' given it a thorough examination, I find there is no lint, crumbs of any kind, or any other foreign substances, except for one hair that I suspect fell out of those on my belly surroundin' it, which I easily removed. Although it might be gettin' pretty monotonous to say, the cherry mole is still in the same place it was last time, and it seems like it is not plannin' on leavin' anytime soon. I suppose that is about all I got to report on this time around. End of report.

*I hope I chose the correct homonym to use.