Read My Lips - the blog

I am lookin' for a wild herd to start a stampede

It seems that Susie is closin' in on that 20K visitation mark, so ya'll go do your part in helpin' her turn that counter before the end of the year. In other words, that means, go visit Susie today!

Go ahead and party like it's 1999

Happy New Year, ya'll! Today is the day I do all the paperwork to get my name in the hat for the next election. See, I surprised ya'll, 'cause I really do have somethin' to do from time to time. Of course, one friend of mine has suggested some action he thinks I should take to become a successful politician, but the language used is a bit graphic. As such, I will continue this in the extended entry.

My friend suggested that before I made any serious attempt to run for office that I find some 20 year old guy and his mother and have a sexual interlude with the two of them, because, until I was a full-fledged motherfuckin' cocksucker, I was wholly unqualified for public office.

Oh my, what did I start here?

I sat around most of the day with my thumb up my ass with a very important decision to be made: Should I download 4,000 free smileys or not? I mean don't you just hate havin' to make hard choices like that. Here I was ponderin' my need for all of those smileys, and just dreamin' of all the uses I had for smilies. Then I remembered that I seldom use smilies anyway. I seldom smile in real life either. Nope, that would mean exposin' my teeth and ya'll know how self conscious I am about that gap when that one chipped off. I finally concluded that I was not gonna download a whole bunch of smilies until all of the ones showin' teeth displayed such with one chipped tooth in front. Ya'll gotta remember the tagline. Here on this blog, we do our very best in tryin' to represent the truth on every side of each inane matter that comes to our attention. We have a high standard for smilies to be used on this blog. The only currently approved smilies are ;) and :) .

OK, OK, I am sorry for all the foregoin'. I know it is too much to take, but it was not my fault, I swear. The navel made me do it.* End of report.

*Ya gotta be pretty old if ya caught the veiled Laugh-In pun in that line. You can bet your bippy that was done on purpose.

Another round and par for the course

I just had a client's mother call me. She said that her son had finally been indicted on the case on which I am appointed to represent him . It has to do with some explosives discovered in the trunk of an abandoned car. I was not surprised about the indictment, as I had thought he had been indicted on the previous time such was scheduled to be heard by the Grand Jury, and was surprised to learn it had not been reached. She then asked "How can they hold him when he didn't have anything to do with the matter?" I told her that he had previously provided me with his denial of knowledge and I suggested that he cooperate with the investigation so as to provide what information he did and he declined. I asked if if he would be willing to take a polygraph regarding the extent of his knowledge of the matter and he again declined. The information in the case file shows that two of the people who have admitted their involvement with stashing the explosives in the trunk of the car have identified him as a party to the offense, as well as being identified by a neutral party who stated he remembered someone resemblin' my client who was in the area with the other two men.

When my client's mother again reiterated that her son was being held with no evidence, I said, "You say that he was not involved and he says he was not involved but the witnesses say differently," and she just hung up on me.

I sometimes wonder what people expect of me. Do they think that attorneys have this magic wand that they can wave and all someone's troubles go away? I think the evidence against my client is very scanty and have discussed such with the District Attorneys' Office which just shrugged. They have him and he ain't goin' nowhere, and they got enough evidence in their file to believe he was involved. I suspect they will never agree to dismiss the case until forced to present their case to a jury. I am indeed prepared to take this matter before a jury at the earliest opportunity and let let the jury decide the facts of this matter.

Attorneys learn a basic premise in law school. You cannot change the law and you cannot change the facts. My client is eligible for bond, and the bond amount is reasonable, so the thing that needs to be done is that she and her family post bond to free the young man while this case is pendin' goin' to trial. Of course, I have told her that previously, more than once. She doesn't have any money to bond him out. I don't have a magic wand. I again wonder why I ever chose this profession.

With a little help from my friends

OK, I am attempting to consider Ted's comments about the cluster fuck that is my blog and I cannot think of any way to change it to make it better or more interestin' than it already is, other than changin' authors to a more skilled and interestin' writer. I am, however, eager for other ideas. Anyone got any good ideas?*

*And, no, I really do not think postin' a picture of me in Bermuda shorts will do anythin' to improve readership. ;)

It might take awhile to get my sea legs back

OK, now ya'll might be wonderin' why I am sittin' here wearin' Bermuda shorts ... I am not sittin' here wearin' Bermuda shorts, so what are ya doin' tellin' them that ... hey they can't see, so what difference does it make if I say I am sittin' here in Bermuda shorts ... well, doesn't that tagline say somethin' about gettin' to the truth ... OK, ya got me there ... excuse me, but after havin' lost an argument with myself, I have to admit I am not here wearin' Bermuda shorts. And since I see that the conversation between a couple of the various personalities that inhabit my brain has mysteriously appeared for your pleasure, I guess I have to disclose the purpose of sayin' I was sittin' in Bermuda shorts, don't I? OK, the truth! I look absolutely horrendous in Bermuda shorts, but since ya'll couldn't possibly know that, I thought your vision of me in Bermuda shorts might be a more pleasant sight than actually seein' me in Bermuda shorts. OK, now that you have found your way through all of that, are you 100% absolutely sure it was such a good idea for me to have resumed bloggin' after my brief hiatus? Surely there can be no place in the blogosphere for anythin' as inane as what just occurred, is there? I feel naked all of a sudden, and vulnerable. I think maybe I ought to just go crawl into that little space between the toilet and bathroom cabinet and curl up into a fetal position and breath in the aromatic bathroom fumes or somethin'.

Alas, I must lift my sweater and shirt and peer into the shadows to see if my navel is doin' fine. It appears that it is in excellent condition, is restin' comfortably and I shall endeavor to no further disturb it. Navel is fine, ya got that? End of report.

Arrrghh! It is Monday

Just gettin' back into the bloggin' spirit and here comes Monday. George, but what effort it took for me to literally pull myself out of bed. I tell ya, it is murder, absolute murder to get up and go do anything productive until after New Year's Day. Alas, however, I am still a responsible person, so I guess a responisble person has to do what a responsible person has to do and get my lazy ass ready and get it to the office and into my waiting office chair.*

*I might just spend the day sleeping in my office chair, however.**

**As if that is a possibilitiy.

At long last, I finally found it

Well, it seems I have relocated my navel with seems to have been misplaced over these past few days, hence why there was no report. No navel to gaze upon, no report. Logical, huh? Hey, these reports are nothing, if not logical. Anway, I am sitting here naked as a jaybird, having just run a nice tub of hot water to go soak in to get my muscles and bones bed ready. The navel looks quite perky. I suppose it is from all the fan mail that was awaiting it after it was finally located. I suppose I should thank all of ya'll on behalf of the navel, since it has not yet mastered the art of keyboarding. In fact, despite my greatest efforts, it has still not attained the ability to communicate in any manner. I might need to do further navel research. Anyone know of a good navel research facility? Well, until further info is known, I suppose it is necessary to close this investigation into proper navel communication. End of report.

What I missed - the official version

Poor Susie is feelin' a bit under the weather. It is all my fault, though, as I know that the withdrawal symptoms once you get addicted to my Nightly Navel Gazin' Reports™ are horrendously a cause of illness to some. My sincerest apologies to Susie.

David finally got around to seein' The Good, the Bad and the Ugly and admits it has changed his life. Now he will finally understand what the rest of us are talkin' 'bout, won't he? Uh, David, if you have not seen it ... see The Unforgiven.

Tink has divulged that she does not like to attend funerals. I am quite disenchanted with being around during funerals, myself. I have gone so far as to contemplate ways to die so that I don't even attend my own. I must have really missed somethin' though, with Tink talkin' 'bout funerals and SilverBlue postin' an obituary. And of course, my sincere condolences to all who are affected by such death but am thankful that I was not missed at the funeral.

Ted slammed my blog design. No, actually I found what he had to say to be thoughtful and incisive and I appreciate that he actually took the time to not only point out structural flaws in my bloggin' endeavors but to use my mistakes to teach others to do likewise. I am ecstatic 'cause it now gives me something to worry 'bout just as I am returnin' to tendin' to my blog. Maybe I need to re-research the lessons of The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, especially that ugly part.

Denita shared a bit of personal Christmas history that will bring tears of happiness and disclose how tragedy sometimes leads to a true understandin' of the true meanin' of Christmas.

Abject Apathetic Procrastination seems to be goin' hogwild on informin' us on the world of kangaroos. I just hope Kang is payin' the bartender enough for doin' all that research to keep that blog from goin' to the dingos.

Well, that seems to be about all I have time for this round, but I am so so far behind. I tell ya, I have not seen the news from the last few days yet. I am lost, I tell ya, lost.

A likely story [must read extended entry]

OK, I know, I have been absent for awhile. So, here is what happened. Wednesday morning, I arose and went through my regular morning ritual, and took a hot bath as usual to relax my muscles and joints. As I was stepping out of the bathtub onto the wet floor, my foot slipped and I fell headlong onto the floor and across it and became wedged in the space between the toilet and the sink cabinet with both of my arms pinned beneath me. My head was resting againt the wall havin' pushed my chin into my breast bone. I could not move my arms. My legs would not touch the wall on the other side of the tub and one was resting under me with my foot restin' against the side of the tub while the knee of the other what pinned on the lip of the tub. I was naked. The floor stunk of urine. I could not move. I could not move my head enough to open my mouth to yell and the best I could muster sounded like a whimper.

Now I am not going to bore you with the thoughts spinnin' through my mind as I lay there helpless with my face pressed into a floor reekin' of my own piss, but I can tell you that knowing it was all my own piss was among one of the more cheerful ones I had. As I lay there for hour after hour and day after day, my throat got so parched there were a few times I wished that piss had not been dried. I imagined several times the stories that would circulate when they found my dead naked body wedged in the space between the toilet and sink, and what kind of sexual perversion they would think of to explain why I was lickin' the dried piss off of my bathroom floor while I was naked. Thankfully I was able to sleep a lot. In fact, I seemed to be able to do little else but sleep and to think of the endless possibilities.

I don't even think I heard when the fire department crashed through the door. My earliest recollection was of being touched and muffled voices. I finally roused from my predicament induced stupor and relished as someone jerked the cabinet away, and was wholly unconcerned when the water began to spray from the pipes because as they were picking me up to roll me onto a stretcher, I was tryin' as hard as I could to lap a few drops of the spray from the busted pipes.

Well, I am back from the hospital and surprisingly, all but losin' 10 pounds and havin' some really severely chapped lips, I am in pretty good shape. I guess I am lucky that my friend at the convenience store after havin' seen my car not move for several days, me not stoppin' in to get a Dr. Pepper from time to time, etc. became concerned. It did take considerable effort on his part to actually get the volunteer fire department to destroy my front door, they only havin' done so after havin' consulted the local justice of peace. Thankfully, very few people were really involved with the actual details of my predicament and hopefully, as agreed between those with full knowledge, it will not be published in the local paper

There is an up-side to this story, though. I am thoroughly convinced that I do not have telepathy.

There is not a bit of truth to that story. Got that! The real reason for my disappearance from bloggin' ? That is anyone's guess. As I felt that all of my loyal fans were entitled to a good explanation for my absense, I provided one. I do so hope it is satisfactory.

Dec. 28, 2003

Finally some sign that the strip is goin' somewhere. Now I am interested in seein' next Sunday's again.

Lookin' for somethin' to tilt against

Oh well, there seem to be too few windmills in my personal adventure, so I have to tilt against whatever obstacle I can find. The trouble is that the only obstacle I find is that no one recognizes my dilemma, or if they do, they don't care. It is not like I really blame them all that much. I am sure that I would feel likewise if I placed myself in their shoes. Am I over-concerned about my life? I mean - isn't one's existence pretty meaningless anyway. Are we not all just another number in the billions and billions of other being that inhabit this planet? How many of the billions alive at this very moment are going to make monumental changes in anythin' anyway? I know I am not. I was so hopin' my children would. I am just still lookin' for those children. Alas! Blue funk.

This post seemed to displease my navel. It seems to have a severe distaste for philosophy. If my navel could voice its preference, I am sure it would choose that I discuss those things that give me belly laughs. My navel seems to enjoy it when my belly quivers. End of report.

The shortest day of the year

Today was the shortest day of the year, and I think I slept almost all day. I am weary as all give out, not from physical exhaustion, but just the way the Blue Funk envelops me and drains me of any motivation to take part in anythin'. Thankfully such will pass, I am almost sure, as such has occurred over the last decade. Yes, maybe one of these days, I will again have a family to surround me and give me reason to celebrate. Until then, I can find no reason to do so. Forgive my mood, but it ain't your fault. It ain't anyone's fault. I can't stop it - well, not without some drugs, but I ain't gonna go to the doctor and tell him I am depressed because I am alone during the holidays. That is just silly.

My navel, however, is basking. The rest seems to have done it well. Still, I am almost as sure my navel would be happier with another navel in the picture than it is without. Or maybe it wouldn't. It is hard to tell such things when the navel can't speak. I cannot ever even distinguish whether or not it is smilin'. I just make a lot of assumptions about how it feels. I apologize for that. End of report.

The ever encompassin' blue funk

I just did not feel up to doin' anythin' much today. I did read Opus so as to do today's report and watched the Cowboys defeat the Giants, as I predicted. Other than that, I have mostly napped a lot. I may be this way for awhile. Do not alarm yourselves or worry 'bout me. This is a regular holiday occurrence that I have become accustomed to over this previous decade wherein Santa has continually failed to bring me what I need and desire.

I suppose if I can find time to read Opus, I must make time to look at my navel and report to ya'll great fans of my navel how my navel is doin'. Well, OK, I have lifted up my shirt and see that the navel appears unharmed by the days activity of mostly sittin' in a chair watchin' TV and layin' in the bed nappin'. Of course, I did not find this surprisin' but have no idea how your might react to such news. React as you please. End of report.

Dec. 21, 2003

Well, It seems the fantasy of Opus' life is continuing to exceed the reality of his situation. This strip can only get better. I think it needs to bring Steve Dallas into the picture.

The very long day

Well, I am happy to report that I did finally see The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King and just returned home from that adventure. It was actually quite an adventure, as I left her at about 1:00 to travel to a 12 screen theater which was showin' the movie on two screens. I arrived about 2:30 pm to the theater. The next two showings were already sold out, so I just purchased a ticket to the next showing that was not sold out. That was how I requested my ticket. It was for the 7:00 pm showin'. The ticket lady was kind enough to advise me that the 7:00 pm showin' was likely to sell out also, so to return by 6:00 so as to get in line for seatin'. Still, I had several hours to wait. I perused the other movies to see if there was anythin' I cared to see that I could slip into durin' my wait, but saw nothin' all that interestin'. Instead, I drove next door to On the Border, a local Tex-Mex chain and sat in the bar drinkin' frozen margaritas and eating chips, salsa, queso and quesadillas until half time in the KC - Minnesota game and drove back over to the theater. There were already a large number of people in the seatin' line, so I took my place in the end of it. It grew much longer before it ever moved. My gut was full, the tequila was makin' me woozy, and I had some ragin' heartburn that was bubblin' like crazy. Finally the line moved and I was easily able to secure a seat for one in the center of the very back row. I sat there with my stomach bubblin' through endless previews and crap then the movie started. I watched it, enjoyed it, and got up to leave. I had not bought a soda or any popcorn, I had not had to go to the restroom, and I was not feelin' a desperate urge to go at the end, but I did anyway. I then headed home, makin' one stop for a refill of my DP cup and for a roll of antacid. The fixed the heartburn and the DA was refreshin'. Now, for some reason, I am bushed.

There has been a paltry number of visitors durin' the day, even accountin' for it bein' Saturday. My navel was unhappy when it learned of the lack of visitation, as it was his post that was the sole post of the day. I assumes it has a great number of fans. End of report.

Oops, it is already daylight

Sorry, but I fell asleep after consumin' a goodly portion of nog. I ran out of the blended stuff and ended up mixin' some rum into the last couple of glasses. I could already feel the rum induced headache comin' on. Rum always gives me a headache, bein' it is so full of impurities. I avoid drinkin' it as much as possible, mainly because after I learned how it was made and that it is basically made out of a bunch of garbage left over from processin' the sugar out of sugar cane which is leeched with lye to extract the last bit of sugar. The more impurities in the alcohol, the greater the chance you get a hangover headache. It is not the alcohol that causes the headaches, it is the impurities. I get the worst headaches from drinkin' brandy or cognac. Anyway my head is still poundin' so bad I can't see my navel. I was able to see it before fallin' asleep last evenin' but it was blurry ... or at least my vision of it was blurry. End of report.

Shot in the foot, more than once

OK, what was goin' on in my world today? I made the 90 minute to the dental office. I entered about 15 minutes or so before my scheduled time. They seem to be good about always bein' on time, so I feel obligated to repay the favor. I had just sat down, havin' luckily spied a recent copy of Reader's Digest, a gold mine of interestin' items. I had no sooner than gotten through 'bout half of the letters when the hygienist comes over and tells me that this appointment had been rescheduled forward and that this one was supposed to have been canceled. A data input error - not on my end though, because the dental office had called to remind me of the appointment. My calendar was bare concernin' it. Still, I could always still go see my movie.

There are two multi-screen movie houses on my route through southern Ft. Worth to my dental office, and I had noticed neither of these was playin' ROK. I had eyed a sign for Jason's Deli on the way in and had gotten a hankerin' for a good pastrami sandwich. I returned via my inbound route, which is actually different that my regular outbound route, due to some strange convergence issues with the access at this juncture. I could write a book on it.

I actually ended up drivin' much farther north than the Jason's which was reflected on the highway signs could have possibly been located, so was circlin' round to head back home via another route when I encountered another. I stopped and had my pastrami and a lump of potato salad. It was delicious and is now givin' me heartburn.

I decided to head back and catch ROK in the larger town where the Wal-Mart I find the easiest to access exists. The theater is just down a side road next to the Wal-Mart. I pulled into the parkin' lot and walked up, the next showin' was at 7:30 pm. It was 5:30 pm. OK, so I headed back home to check up on things for an hour or so, then headed back up that 25 minute trip to our northern neighbor. I slid in and cut deftly through Home Depot's parkin' lot and zig-zagged through the abandoned carts to my regular Wal-Mart parkin' spot. I grabbed a couple of staples: Pepcid Complete and breath drops, no line at a couple of counters. Wal-Mart was semi-deserted, or semi-deserted for a normal Friday evenin' crowd, without such also bein' less than a week 'fore Christmas. From the traffic I saw in Ft. Worth, there was no shortage of people at the Mall.

So out of Wal-Mart, across the lot to the opposite side, a quick right turn and then the next left and you are in the theater parking lot. I park, choosin' a space conveniently located to make a quick get-a-way, and walk to the ticket booth. Big sign: Sold Out. Fine. I am not gonna see ROK today. It ain't like they ain't gonna still be playin' it tomorrow, is it?

However, I sure did do a lot of drivin' in heavy traffic to have accomplished nothin' but eatin' a pastrami sandwich. Like I said, it was a good sandwich, but a good reason to drive around all afternoon and evenin'? Not normally, not in my world. In the grand scheme that is my life at times, today was a very productive day. I stopped and ate.

I am celebratin'. I am sloggin' nog and am gonna go watch a flick on my television. I do wish I had some popcorn, but I ain't gettin' out for a couple of hours now, at least.

Things come along when you least expect

Well, this is nothin' earth-shankin' to report, but my dentist just called top remind me of my appointment this afternoon. I didn't have a dental appointment on my calendar for today. Hmmmm, still might as well go. After all, I make it part of my day to go to the movie afterwards, and I understand there is a pretty good new movie out to go see this time. It may be hours and hours before I get around to postin' anythin' new. I do so hope ya'll will understand. ;)

[Last minute grovellin' Update: Feel free to leave comments while I am away, or if somethin' seems interestin' enough to blog 'bout, please do not hesitate to trackback to any of my posts. ;) ]

Was this guy already brain dead?

I am guessin' the neighbors smelled smoke?

attribution: Geoffrey who thinks it all was due to the culprit bein' French.

So what? Ya 'fraid of a little rat?

Hmmm, finally found a quizzilla quiz that hit the mark!

You are Rizzo the Rat.
You have few friends, but are loyal to those you do have. Maybe if you didn't smell like sewage you would have more.

SPECIES:
Rodentia Digesta Lotta Grub
HOMETOWN:
Brooklyn, USA

FAVORITE MOVIE:
"Rat On A Hot Tin Roof"

FAVORITE SONG:
"The Pest Is Yet To Come"

FAVORITE FOOD:
You got it, I'll eat it.

HOBBIES:
See "Favorite Food".

QUOTE:
"When do we eat?"


What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thanks to Eric of Classical Values for the link.

Another endangered species recognized

It seems that the trade in exotic Brazil nut skins is takin' its toll on the number of Brazil nuts out there. It seems there are too few male Brazil nuts left to assist in the amount of reproduction acts necessary to bring the species back. Stop buyin' Brazil nut coats, please, right now, before there are no more Brazil nuts left.

attribution: James

Have you ever seen a teenier one, ladies?

You know, I can appreciate a woman who knows how to take care of herself.

attribution: Steve

Dec. 19, 2003

Gifts For Men

Blah Humbug!

As it gets closer, my sense of dread grows stronger. My navel remains stalwart and strong during this time of inner-psyche driven adversity. Aren't we all glad of that? End on extraordinarily inane report.

As Christmas nears

If ya are gettin' fed up Christmas present decisions and still need one for the person who has everythin', let me suggest that you buy this item for them.

A most extraordinary poetic post

Wow did Owen ever find a pearl in his email! Seriously, don't miss this one.

Surprises can be interestin'

Some of the stuff I read on people's blogs is too esoteric sometimes to be made up.

Hey kids, get a clue!

It used to be that you had to ruin your life and go to prison before you got a bunch of bad monochromatic tattoos and started dressing like a loser. Now, kids are adopting the loser look in anticipation of ruining their lives. - Steve

Leave it up to Anna

She is now makin' men jump through hoops solely to obtain the privilege of bein' allowed to give her gifts.

unusual to apologize

Hmmm, I wonder if John Ashcroft is feelin' his butt cheeks hit the wind or somethin'?

Watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat!

Sekimori is afraid ya'll are gonna tell her ever'thin' 'bout ROK, so ran down to the mall to see it. She said that people were dressin' up like characters. I went by one place where they was showin' it and got pulled up and given first prize in the costume contest. They said I was the best Gollum they had seen, and I had not even put on a costume. I was just strollin' by to check the times.

Oops, wrong hat.

I have not even been close to a theater showin' The Return of the King. I 'spect I will attend tomorrow after my dental appointment. Correctly categorized.

Skip, skip, skip to my Lou ---

Ya know, I have before made the statement that I just do not have time to read all the blogs in my blogroll on a regular basis. However, as I am goin' through the list from top to bottom, I seldom find myself willin' to skip over any blog in the roll that is regularly updated. They are all just too good. I have previously told those of ya'll that do not ping blogrollin' when ya update that doin' so will get ya more readership. I have also told ya'll the blogrollin' has a standalone pinger that you can use to ping blogrollin' to tell it you have updated your blog.* If ya seriously want a bit more readership, pingin' blogrollin', if only once a day, will do more for your readership than anythin'. It alerts people that you have somethin' new, and it seems everyone is always lookin' around for somethin' new. Make them aware that they can find it on your blog.

*Bookmark the page and use it.

Beavers and busy

I have been pretty busy today with office tasks although I did spend part of it ponderin' 'bout beavers, beavers somehow comin' to mind. Still got lots more to do before I can break away from here. I will try to blog in force sometime later today.

Oh, Gordon Wood died today. He was really old, so it was not that big of a surprise, but he was one heck of a football coach, so I was sad to hear of his passin'.

News Flash: No one reads blogs on Wednesday

and I somehow feel like goin' to bed at 8:00 pm. Blue funk fatigue, I am sure. Can't wait until the after everyone else gets kissed on New Years Eve, then I am up until about Feb. 1 when Valentine's season rolls around. I might have been one of few who actually understood why Gary Stewart took his own life. Loneliness mixed with sorrow is a dangerous combination. He shoulda just flown to Vegas and married some cheap floozie.

Anyway, not findin' all that much to blog 'bout and not wantin' to waste your time by postin' an endless series of drivel (oops, sorry Denita, Willie said he had to attend a function), so without further ado, I hereby present my navel for your inspection: ( . ) End of report.

Takes a long time at 31.2Kps

I Eat People yelled LeeAnn.

Hours and activities not addin' up

Yep, you got it right. It seems this has been a hectic week. No matter how hard I try, I just cannot seem to find the time to get everythin' done that I need to do. I guess that is a good sign though, 'cause it means I am busy. However, it also means that I have not had sufficient opportunity to read all that bloggy goodness ya'll have put up for me to see. I am sorry. I promise that if you will trackback your best of the day to this post or leave a comment with nicely scripted hyperlink, I will come by and see what ya had to say. OK?

Oh crap, I am liable to be busted by the Spellin' Police

I was readin' back over some of my entries from yesterday and found them to be full of grammatical mistakes and spellin' errors. I guess that is what happens when you are inebriated, huh? Of course, I spotted a few in the answers to my intervew questions, and I am pretty sure I was sober when I typed that up. I was almost sure I ran it through spell check, but then I have slept since then, so it is possible I have forgotten. I do that sometimes: forget things.

What's in the news

Well, it seems that Johnson County, Texas is in the National news again. I understand that this story has been discussed on Rush Limbaugh and one of the Morning News programs. Here is the local paper's take on the story of the Texas woman arrested for selling sex toys to undercover officers. With the recent findin' of the unconstitutionality of the Texas sodomy laws, it seems that this law will likely also fail constitutional scrutiny, but it may take awhile before it gets to that point. I will be keepin' an eye on this one, bein' it is local and all. ;)

It's starting to come fast and furious

Well, this month started kind of slow, but lately the days have just flown by. A week from today is Christmas Eve. I am just not ready. Of course, I don't think I am ever ready for Christmas because I almost always forget the batteries. Sorry for the pun, it just kinda slipped out.

It's that time again

OK, so I post all this bloggy goodness for ya'll to see, and all you want to know is how is my navel. Ya'll are a sick bunch, ya are. Oh well, now I gotta go start workin' on workin' up a good hangover for in the mornin' (/not). Thanks for bein' you and lettin' me be me, and come see me again! Driftin' off with strains of Tiptoein' through the Tulips by Tiny Tim . . . . .

Better 'n the toy in the bottom of the cereal box

OK, the long awaited interview of Tiger has been completed and is appearin' on Jennifer's History and Crap. Thanks to all of ya'll that thunk up the fuckin' hard questions, like I had any idea how to grow mushrooms in the dark, and to my gracious blogfriend Jennifer who does such a fine job of doin' these interviews and providin' us with all those nifty little glimpses into history and crap. Ya'll do need to be readin' her blog!

Drunken Linky Love, or Artificial Respiration with Tiger

Ya'll really ought ta be ashamed of yourself for all the linky-love ya'll have thrown my way. I mean it ain't like I ain't mired in a blue funk although I am pretty sure that 5 ounces of whatever that crap was has definitely reignited some spirit within me. Oh, whatever, so anyways, stay with me here, no one is bloggin' much 'cept 'bout Saddam and such so I decided to go prowlin' down among those great blogs at the bottom of my roll that just do not seem to have a clue as how to ping blogrollin' so as to move up from time to time and let me know they are fresh. Put another sh on that for the full meanin' or somethin'. Damn, my glass is empty and I am outta eggnog.

So where was I? Oh wait, need a cig, so be back in a bit. Oh my, some guy got an Instalanche and 52 comments. I didn't get any comments with my Instalanche (I woulda linked it but I didn't feel like lookin' for it). I guess I shoulda Photo Shopped Saddam, huh? (attribution: James)

So, anyway, I was gonna sludge through them bottom dwellers and see if there was anything worth bloggin' 'bout or linkin' or somethin'. So, on the bottom is Jockularocracy (and thank George for cut&paste) who offered a very fine listin' of Children's Christmas books for ya'll that might be really interested. And I suppose everyone else beside myself likely has a kid, a grandkid or a great-grandkid, so that should include you all. Go look. You should.

Waitin' on slow dialup to load the next contestant. Note-it-posts didn't have nuthin' 'cept the stunnin' pic of the owner that interested me enough to blog 'bout or link, though it was a fine array of topics. Just nuthin' jumped up and bit me.

I think this guy has been sloggin' in the nog himself. Mr Fish, my ass.

Next contestant didn't pass the entry exam. I found nuthin' that I hadn't seen on every blog I read today. The one behind that is not permalinked but the prose so overwhelmed me, I can't describe my pleasure. Hey, find it for yourself, it is on the blogroll.

The blog known as redandpurplehaze.blog-city.com, although it could be Dreaming of Summer Daze Gone Bye..., I am still tryin' to decide ... posted this link to somewhere quite bizarre. I am not really sure what it was or what to think of it.

Next guy, last post December 4, must be havin' fun ... a couple of more that don't pass the entrance exam, then Signal + Noise pointed me to a story that would have interestin' if either there was not some script problem on the page or my IE was not fuckin' up again. I smell Blogger involved in this mess, though.

A blogger later and OldCatMan gives us a collage of Saddam pics. Click it quick 'cause OldCatMan does not do permalinks.

Pixy Misa gets a taste of Krispy Kremes.

A skip, another one not updated in awhile, one just blurbin' 'bout someone they blogrolled, another not updated in like forever, then Annika (who I wished still showed her pic) and tellin' us she has been invited to Palm Springs to stay at a swanky 5 Star Hotel, and oh how I wish it was me and that I too could afford to wine and dine a doll at a swanky 5 Star Hotel in Palm Springs. Damn, but that thought is depressin'.

Then another that has gone hiatus or somethin', next one had a lot but nothing' with any bite, then Right We Are who in sportin' a sporty new look announced the closin' of their doors. Hmmm!

The another on hiatus or somethin', another that had mostly fluff but little of interest, then found out Tony was on vacation in Bolivia, of all places.

Nothing' much, then found Aaron had moved.

Too Much to Dream displays the Grinch and leads us to Boomer Deathwatch, not somethin' I am really wantin' to be a part of, bein' a Boomer and not wantin' to think of Death all that much.

Nuthin' new at the next one, then Susie links everyone but me. And that brings me to the end of the journey.

Help baby, I can't find the hole

John Cole is full of bloggy goodness today. I was especially appreciative for this link to the WaPo story about the plan to catch Saddam.

Mindless bloggin' as I slowly get drunk

Well, I am back on dialup, so bloggin' shall become sloggin' again. I purchased a quart of eggnog on the way home and have already had one dose with about 1.5 ounces of some cheap American blend (Seagram's 7 clone) I have among the various bottles of liquor I have from the cabinet I built when my dad was alive and still owned a liquor store. That was like, what, 8 years ago? I just don't drink all that often, and I hardly ever have anyone over. Of course, of anything you might have, your liquor is probably as good or better if it has been on the shelf for awhile. It does not age as well in the bottle as it does in the cask, but it does age. Enough with that crap, though, for liquor bloggin' go see Madfish.

So, here I am bloggin' drinkin' eggnog highly does with some inebriatin' liquid and listenin' to the washin' machine rewash for the third time that load of underwear I put in there Sunday night. I would have already put them in the dryer, but that takes someone gettin' the clothes outta the dryer and puttin' them up. That ain't my job. Well, yeah it is. I just don't ever seem to have a place to put them, or enough hangers, or there is just somethin' else I would really rather be doin'. It really ain't a problem 'cept when ya got a whole load of wet ones awaitin' the dryer bein' emptied. Then things get much more stressful.

I have way too many clothes. I am thinkin' of doin' this sort of deal. I got an extra bedroom, so what I am gonna do is I am gonna start takin' everythin' out of the dryer and throwin' it in the middle of that bed. After a month, I am gonna take everythin' left on the bed and either donate or throw them the leftovers. I need to weed my wardrobe down to a manageable size. I need to whittle my life down to a manageable size. I need to just dig a hole and crawl in it. Oh wait, they could still find me, couldn't they? The dirty rats, there just is no escapin' life anymore, is there?

How many idiots have a million dollars?

Well, there might actually be one , or at least this guy is hopin' so.

attribution: Margi Lowry

Just what ya'd 'spect from the 9th Cir.

Of course, sometimes even clowns can be geniuses. Hey, Ashcroft lost one in the Federal Courts, as the 9th Circuit rules that it ain't kosher to ban the use of marijuana for truly medical purposes. Follow the link to Talk Left to access the 9th Circuit's written decision in Raich v. Ashcroft, 03-15481.

Oh my, and in other Ashcroft news, a Detroit Federal Judge ain't too pleased with Ashcroft contemptuous actions in a case in his court. Thank Dawn of the link ot this one.

Outta the mouth of a bitch comes somethin' nice to hear

We owe a great debt of gratitude to our troops, to the president, to our intelligence services, to all who had a hand in apprehending Saddam. Now he will be brought to justice, and we hope that the prospects for peace and stability in Iraq will improve. - Hillary Clinton

attribution: Ebenezer McGehee

Is this the Daily Double or a Trifecta

Lisa has a great post tellin' us all why she is the right person doin' her job, but just below, she composed her top ten list of her responses to Saddam followin' his statement: I am Saddam Hussein, president of Iraq, and I am willing to negotiate. I think the next thing I mighta said after I heard that is Fire in the hole!

I am not sure I should mention* that she has humorously balloon blurbed a cute kitten pic.

*I don't want Susie to break her finger clickin' too fast tryin' to see it, ya know.

Somethin' I have actually worried 'bout

It seems that Dean Esmay used up all his server space and was unable to further blog for awhile. I am always wonderin' how close to the top I am all the time, thinkin' surely I have a limit comin' up at some point. Hopefully, if I exceed my limitations, my server landlord will allow me to use a couple of those empty closets until he can build me another room or somethin'.

Things coulda worked out differently, ya think?

Can ya'll imagine that Israel had really come up with a plan to assassinate Saddam?

attribution: James OTB via The Command Post

Itell ya folks, I found it so very amazin'

Hmmm, I dunno. For some reason I thought this was a well known fact.

No, no, this rag had nothin' to do with Eugene's take on the stupidity of one facet of the Texas Penal Code. I actually agree with him.

Bonzo B. Bellringer debuts

Well Kevin used it as the basis of his weekend caption contest and Steve claims it is Joan Rivers. When I forst saw this picture, the thoguht that immediately came to my mind was that the plot for The Santa Clause 3 was takin' a very strange twist.

Savin' the snark for later, ya'll

Well, it seems that Venomous Kate is unable to slither because of a few difficulties occurrin' in her spine. As such, she has not been up to bitin' anyone of late. I bet her fangs are jonsin' for somethin' to sink into, whatta ya wanna bet? I wanna thank Kelley and Kevin* for keepin' the rest abreast of her status. Here is hopin' we get a report from Ms. Venomous regardin' her successful recovery in the very near future.

*By the way, my sister and brother are named Kelly and Kevin.

It ain't no damned hiatus ... yet

Yeah, yeah, like I am startin' to figure out the blogosphere is like life in a lot of ways. I mean you have bloggers that just get up and leave without a word, or some that say bye, but leave little explanation, or those who say bye after tellin' ya why it just has to be that way, and so many that just don't blog for awhile or whatever. Of course, ya have those that are gone and come back. I mean, come on, what happens when Glenn is gone, does the whole thing disappear? Bye ya'll that have better things to do. I am jealous 'cause ya do. Have a good life and as much fun as ya can find.

What can I blog about?

I am not sure yet if I have succumbed to the blue funk, but I have been readin' some blogs. It seems I have not hit on a thing to blog about. This seems like a good time to gander at the navel, see if all is fine, then report that all is fine with the navel. End of report.

The strangest thing ---

I have twice loaded up several blogs as is my normal procedure, so that I can be readin' one while another loads. Provided the internet connection remains stable durin' the loadin', I can usually get the first twenty to thirty-five blogs on the upper part of my blogroll loaded and read before I sign off. Each time, at some point durin' the loadin', without warnin', all IE window just closed and disappeared immediately. I am surely wonderin' at what is causin' that. Very strange, very strange indeed.

[Update: and this 31.2 connection ain't helpin'. So, to me, that means it is likely a good time to let the machine reboot and reconnect. Ta ta for now.]

Wicked dreamin"

I just spent all day at the mall shoppin'. Well, not exactly shoppin', but more like checkin' out the gals wearin' the low cut jeans. I also noticed there is a definitely migration of types to different stores, because the gals I saw goin' into Laura Ashley were not the same as the ones enterin' Limited. There is definitely a variety of different low cut jean styles as well. Most pleasant is the difference in contents of the package, however, as some bodies define the cut of the jeans better than others. I was sure doin' a lot of lookin', but was I ever dreamin' of applyin' some touchy feely to a few of the specimens of fine female flesh upon which I feasted.

TGIM

Wow, am I ever worn out this mornin'. I am thinkin' my normal holiday blue funk hit over the weekend, 'cause I feel just drained. I dunno, but today I think I am gonna take the whole day off and go tour the mall. Maybe that will get me in the holiday spirit. Only slow day I have this week, though. I really ought to hang around and get some of this backlogged paperwork outta the way. Naw ... it's Christmas. Just wait 'til next year.

A jaybird ain't got nutnin' on me now

Yep, just sittin' here in my altogether after havin' sat in a hot bath for about the last half hour or so. I am nice and relaxed. My stomach is rounded and the navel sits squarely in the middle of the bulge. It breaks up the curved expanse and somehow makes the shape less pronounced. Or maybe I am just wishin' so. End of report.

All those things that come to pass

I was just thinkin' of somethin' I do quite often when I see a little child cryin' over some thing like havin' to get up and go, or because they are told no when they want a piece of candy. I always tell them to go right home and start a disappointment list and put that on it, then sometime in their 40s look back and see where that one ends up in the list.

I look back upon my own disappointments and I see loves lost and loved ones lost, time wasted and money wasted, opportunities passed and opportunities lost, and I don't remember all those petty things like havin' to stand in line at the DMV, or bein' stuck behind a tractor when I am late for an appointment, or because I didn't get exactly what I wanted.

I have this thing about choices. Black and white is easy. But Coke, Pepsi, Vanilla Coke, yada, yada ... stick with what ya like: Dr. Pepper. There seems to be too many kinds of everythin', too many choices to make. I actually was happy when one phone company covered everythin'. Choices increase my stress and anxiety level. Assessin' and analyzin' the nuances of this scent or that. I just can't cope with too many variables. It's just stuff people.

Hey ya'll --

ozguru has been braggin' on ya'll for all the nice things ya'll been sayin' 'bout me.

I made dead people

This actually sounds more like me talkin' to myself than anythin' else. These types of conversations do exist inside my head. Go read it, really, its cool. I won't tell anyone.

Oops, credit an assist to Owen

Been there and done that --

James has somethin' I am sure you'll enjoy. I am tryin' desperately not to exceed the 2 star level ever again.

Diminished fortitude

You know, ever since I heard that they had captured Saddam I have felt a touch of malaise about the whole incident. I couldn't understand why my level of pleasure was so dull. It just came to me. I guess I am just so utterly disgusted with Saddam for not goin' out ala Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I mean even Uday and Qusay went out with guns blazin'. I guess it really went to prove that without all them guards around him, Saddam didn't really have all that great of a pair of cajones after all.

Dec. 14, 2003

I am not sure I am understandin' where the strip is goin'. I mean, I read today's strip and stared at the page. Has Opus entered the first level of Dante's Inferno?

Where you were

Hmmm, looks like the votin' is over. Oh well, I sure was hopin' for third place, but comin' sixth ain't bad, as I was just pleased to have been nominated. I am a bit giddy that Xrlq won to top rung. I was pleased that Jay had a great showin', as well. I am glad it is all over, so now can we all get back to Photo Shoppin' Saddam.

We have a 911 Pizza Emergency

Someone call the fire department. LeeAnn's cookin' again.

It's all an illusion

So what does Saddam Hussein's capture really mean? The defeat of one man, I suppose. Beyond that, nothing much. - Sassy

It's time for the game!

I was over at squishybear's checkin' how she picked the Dallas game (and we won't go into that right now) ... seems she has initiated the Photo Shoppin' of Saddam. Get to it ya'll. Ya know ya wanna!

[Update: Oh, squishy, were you ever wrong: Dallas 27 - Washington 0 ]

[Update: See also]

The good news spreads

Saddam is captured. Iraq is joyous. America is joyous. Halliburton is joyous that the news of its overchargin' is overshadowed by a bigger story and expects everyone to forget it has been overchargin' the government taxpayers.

In celebration of the day, let's play a little game, what do ya say? Try to choose the correct link to reveal the picture of the recently captured vile criminal:

Scooped by the entire blogosphere

Well, I arose this mornin' with somethin' that I had to run to do. Yes, today was a day I had to go to the zoo. I had one of the other docents contact me last week about coverin' his mornin' tour this mornin' and I arose with just enough time to get out there. That means I had no chance to read any blogs, read any news and the station I was listenin' to on my drive out was playin' their standard Sunday mornin' spirituals. So, was I ever surprised when I was tryin' to get my group together to find that someone was tellin' me that Saddam had been captured. Oh well, like I said, I was likely scooped by the entire blogosphere on the most important news story of the year. Sometimes, it just goes that way.

I am an addict

Well, here I am again. Damn system locked up so I sent it through a reboot while I ran to the store to sneak another cig. Still stayin' below 10 a day, so not doin' too bad. Been under 10 a day for about month now I think. I am definitely gettin' more conscious about my smokin' which I think is a good sign. Years and years of chain smokin' had left me with very little consciousness about dealin' with life without a cigarette danglin' from my lips. The first of the year sounds like a good day to pick as my quit date. I am announcin' it officially, so ya'll gotta rag on me now to make me stick to it.

So anyway, I was thinkin' 'bout Jules Verne. Why Jules Verne? Well, it seems that most of my belief in the future is based on Jules Verne. Jules Verne wrote of stuff that was almost inconceivable in his time. Before the turn of the last century, he wrote of travel to the moon, to trips deep below the waters, and travel around the world in remarkable times. All these things came to be. So, I developed this philosophy that whatever man could conceive, man could accomplish. To my mind, science fiction is science fact in some future reality. I am hopeful that it goes like said in the Book of Roddenberry. I suspect humanity might have to survive the assault of the machines before we get to that future.

I am gonna post this and hope. I have no idea what I just wrote. Blame it on the mushrooms need for sleep. I just can't ever seem to leave this damn computer off. I am addicted to regurgitatin' my every inane thought for your pleasure.

[Update: I looked again at that site I had linked under Jules Verne. I didn't really check it out except to see that it had a short biography of Jules Verne. I mean I assume everyone knows who he is and had no necessity of clickin' the link, but it supplied enough background to those who might not have had a clue, hence its purpose. Anyway, to make a long story short, upon that quick review of the site I saw this: the best way to view this page is with Netscape 2.0 or higher. I just cannot remember the last time I saw that. I mean didn't we already update the whole world to Netscape 3.0? Yes, I tell ya, I just can't stop ... ]

With apologies to James

Real bloggers don't use Blogger. I am just sayin' ... you know?

So anyway, I find a comment from Dan thankin' me for a link I previously made to his site. I decide I had not visited Dan recently so go visit his Blogger site. While there, I view this post of his, where he is raggin' 'bout what some other Blogger blogger has said about him. Interested, I decide to go see for myself what this other blogger has said. It was a post reviewin' other people's blogs. One of the reviews said I don't even need to review this. Funniest blog on earth. 10.. It wasn't mine, so the guy doesn't know crap, however, I had to go check out this supposed funniest blog on earth. Yes, it was pretty good stuff but seein' a Blogger template always sends up this here is another amateur flag in my brain. Maybe I need to seek therapy. I just don't know.

Gosh, it's so hard

Wow, since last time I posted, I have had the most bizarre experience. Well, maybe not all that bizarre. Hmmm, can ya call takin' an impromptu nap an experience? Oh well, that is just it. I was just feelin' a bit tired so I decided to lay down and I fell right to sleep. I must have been worn out. Anyway, I just awoke to find my navel all sweaty and clammy.

I was drivin' through the Badlands of South Dakota and was gettin' really thirsty. So I decided to go find somethin' to drink. I saw a sign that said Free Ice Water but it failed to give any directions as to how to get to it, just that it was at Wall Drug. I drove about endlessly attemptin' to find anyone who could give me directions to Wall Drug. I finally spotted a sign that told me I was enterin' the city limits of a little town. It seems I had finally stumbled across the border to Wall, South Dakota. It was a hot day and Wall Drug was packed with tourists on their way to or back from Yellowstone NP or any of the Black Hills resorts so I was forced to wait in line for the ice water. I was just gettin' to the front of the line when I awoke. I need desperately to go get somethin' to drink and then I think I am gonna go back to bed. There was a cute girl with a wicked smile there at Wall Drug that kept givin' me a come hither look.

OK, so I lied

Sekimori linked to a funny animation of Gollum rappin'. See, there was somethin' to blog 'bout after all.

It's Saturday night and no one is bloggin'

Well, we signed up three new members to the American Legion, so the day was a success accordin' to the guy who came down to assist us. Actually, he was the one who signed the up. Most of the time, I was sittin' in my office, readin' email, answerin' the questions in my interview that will soon be seen on Jennifer's blog, and readin' all the updates on the blogs that were updated. As usual, Saturday is a slow bloggin' day for everyone. It seems most have not even posted anythin', so I suppose that means they post from work or just have a better life than I. I have no idea. I am hopeful that everyone in the world has a better life than mine, but I doubt that, as I am pretty sure in some countries there are people who are hungry, have nowhere warm to sleep or are bein' hunted down by someone else. Nope, my life sucks, but it is not that bad. I am alive, just alone.

The sun came out and that seemed to warm up the area enough that some people decided to come to the square. The parade will be startin' soon, as it is supposed to start right after dark so everyone can look at the lighted floats and the emergency trucks' lights as they roll by. Just like the parade that Denita, Eric and Zane attended in their little Texas town this mornin', I suspect this one will last about 5 minutes also. I am not plannin' on attendin' it, though, as I am now home and not wantin' to go back down to the square. I mean, why waste two minutes worth of drivin' to see a five minute parade, as I have already seen half of it come by my house as all the fire trucks drove to the High School where the parade starts/ I have told ya'll once before that I live almost right next door to the Volunteer Fire Department buildin' so I am already pretty familiar with every vehicle they have. In fact, my dog Comanche, knows when there is a fire call as soon as it comes in, and lets me know the trucks will be rollin' up the street because she starts howlin'. Anyway, I might or might not be back. It is slow, so there is very little new to read, and I feed off of what other people blog about as much as anythin'. Therefore, if no one else is bloggin', I have nothin' to blog about. Waaaaaah. Of course, as the category does not say Nightly Navel Gazin' Report™, I do suppose that means there has to be one more post at sometime later, right?

Time is runnin out

OK, folks, last ditch effort to boost me up to third place in the Large Mammal Blog contest in the 2003 Weblog Awards. Go vote for me, call your relatives and tell them to go vote for me, call your friends and tell them to go vote for me, call your enemies and tell them to go vote for me, and after all that, just open the local phone book and start callin' randomly tellin' people to go vote for me. Extra points for any telemarketers that call today that you can convince to go vote for me. Just do it!

The useless quiz is wrought with traps

How could I ever pass up the most useless quiz ever. My results:

Funny thing, though, is that I got a barrage of popups and was twice requested to download some software while trying to copy that script. I am not too sure I would advise you to follwo suit and take this useless quiz. It does appear to have some use. commercially

Dip in in breadin' and deep fry it and I will eat anythin'

Steve has posted a delicious recipe for killer whale. I wonder about Steve, but then I guess I ought to be glad he didn't purge me from his blogroll. I just wonder at what kind of idiots would beg for a reciprocal link from Steve and then remove the link to Steve at some later time. Heck, Steve is worth blogrollin' even if he doesn't link to you. He writes some funny crap!

Condition Yellow

Headache subsided sometime durin' the night, however, I am wary of reoccurrence. I amy be back later. We are havin' our little town Christmas event today, so I am gonna be on the square, probably in and out of my office. The American Legion is setting up a table in front of my office. I expect there will be other things goin' on here and there that I need to observe or which need my assistance. If anythin' excitin' occurs, I will try to run right back and let ya'll know 'bout it. I mean -- what if a squirrel was to fall outta a tree right into the punchbowl? Naw, that never happens in real life.

[Update: It is 32 degrees and overcast. There are just a couple of people settin' up right now. I suspect a really small crowd. I don't see a punchbowl and the squirrels seem to be hangin' out wherever squirrels go to stay warm.]

Halliburton Profiteerin'? Is Cheney in the doghouse now?

I thought this was a really big story. Halliburton caught overcharging the Army. Bush has vowed to investigate fully, and believes Halliburton should repay its overcharges. Hate to say it, but if the audit proves true, I am gonna wait to see if that asshole Ashcroft files some criminal charges somewhere. I mean you can't jail a corporation, it may be hard to pin it on an individual, but they could sure sock a big fine of them for fraud and should disqualify the corporation from doin' business with the government. Of course, the nature of corporations is that such action would bankrupt Halliburton, cause it to have to sell all its assets to another corporation, likely led by the same power brokers as run the current corporation and vie for all the government contracts for which Halliburton was banned in participation. Yeah, I guess we can be lucky if we get the overcharges. Crap! I do so like it when one of the giant money brokers takes a fall. Of course, in the end, it also ends up hurtin' the little guy, and I did report just yesterday that the son of a friend of mine just went to Iraq to work for Halliburton, or actually KBR. He is an electrical engineer.

Still, I sure would like it if some of ya'll news-hound bloggers: Glenn, John, Dean, James,* and Steven, to name a few, keep an eye on this story for me. After all, I trust ya'll more than the papers and TV to get to the bottom of the story.

Feelin' a bit worse for wear

Gosh, ya'll folks are just too kind comin' here readin' my crap even though there has been so little bloggin' activity durin' the day. Not gonna be much tonight either as I have been nursin' an excrutiatin' headache for most of the day which seems to worsen more and more as the day progresses. I am gonna go do my best to euthanize the damn thing so that I can fall asleep. Wish me luck, and see ya when the head stops poundin'. I am gonna appreciate in advance all your good feelin's 'bout me. Go vote for me. Navel is of no concern to my poundin' head, so no gazin' gonna take place. End of report.

Trollin' my comments bites?

Yehaw! I got my first troll! I think that means I have finally arrived! The IP numbers for the last two commenters on this post are identical. Of course, the post is so old, I doubt anyone will take their bait. ;)

Burstin' my bubble

George but did I get a shock today. Now maybe I am just behind the times or whatever, but I really am not a fan of all the permanent markin's these younger people are doin' to themselves. Oh, a small tattoo in an unobtrusive place is not all that bad, I guess, but have you ever seen a butterfly on the wrinkled butt of an 88 year old woman. It is an ugly sight.

Piercin's are somethin' else. I mean I used to be appalled when they would show them African tribal women who had worked so hard to stretch their lips so as to put a plate in it, or to stretch their necks so as to put a million rings around it, or those that had a bone through their nose. Uggggh, it grossed me out. Why would people do that to themselves. I mean if you are not happy with yourself the way you are, you got problems that no amount of stretchin' or mutilation is gonna fix anyway. Well, maybe millions of dollars worth of plastic surgery might do some good, but then again, you might end up looking' like Micheal Jackson.

I understand the need for jewelry, for the need to adorn oneself to show status or to enhance beauty. There are things that are attractive, like beauty marks. They draw the eye to the face and if the face is worth beholdin' - well it is worth beholdin'. OK, I am sure that earrings pinched the heck out of ears and that piercin' ears might be worthwhile if you need to adorn your ears with earrings. To tell ya the truth, I have become so accustomed to earrings, that I expect to see them adornin' a woman's ear. I am not even all that appalled when I see one in a guy's ear either, but always suspect you gotta be a just a bit gay to put a ring in your ear. However, I think nibblin' an ear is delightful, and I hate havin' an earring gettin' in the way of my delight.

OK, so that brings us to the trauma that I am experiencin' right now. As my regular readers likely know, I am enamored with the sight of a lovely female belly button. I find the sight of them to be so sensual. However, like ears, I wanna put my mouth all over them.* George, but the last thing I wanna see is some metal object obstructin' my pleasure. Nope, I hate navel rings, nose rings, nipple rings, or anything of that nature. It is such a turn off. Last eve, I found that this gal that I was fantasizin' 'bout had a belly button ring. That totally fucked up my wet dream.

*I do have a tendency to be quite oral with those delectable females who I find to be delicious to behold.

It's Friday at last

Too bad it is so damn cold outside. Of course it is December and even thought I am in Texas, it is still in the Northern Hemisphere. I suppose if I wanted to go somewhere where it was warm in December, I could move to New Zealand. Of course, watchin' the toilets swirl the wrong way would likely drive me batty.

Anyway, I'll catch up with ya later after I get to the office and go high band.

Dec. 12, 2003

It was two weeks before Christmas and Mary was doing the decorating of the living room and the tree when her Husband Tom came down stairs. "How much did those decorations and the tree cost?" He asked.

"Not much," Mary replied. "Besides, it's about time we start making this place a little more festive. You're so cheap!"

"I'm not cheap!! I'm just practical, that's all! I'm leaving for work and will be back tonight!" Tom said.

"What did you get me for Christmas this year, Mr. Cheapo?" Mary asked.

"I told you I'm not cheap, just practical! No one has ever called me cheap before!", Tom replied and gave Mary a kiss goodbye. Tom thought about Mary calling him cheap all the way to work and all the way back. Since Christmas was in a few days, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

He figured the cheese slicer may not be enough. (Yeah, what a nice guy. ;)

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean is," he said, "I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

[Update: OK, I know that was kinda old and kinda lame, so I found another one for ya'll. Check the extended entry.]

Escaped convict

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds: "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Comin' time to call it a night

Hey, tomorrow is Friday, so get up bright and early because the Friday Funny™ will be posted as soon as I arise. I am hopeful that I will actually undress before hittin' the hay this evenin' unlike my decision last night to just jump in bed with all my clothes on. Heck, though, it was really cold. Even though you can get quite comfy under a layer of goose down, it don't start out that way and the thought of crawlin' into that bed and lettin' my mostly naked body collide with those ice cold bed clothes (as my great-granny used to call sheets and such) was more than I could take, so when the time came, I shucked off my boots, pulled back the covers and jumped in clothes and all.

It actually assisted me, however, to awaken fully dressed this mornin' as I overslept a bit and was runnin' late. However, as all that was necessary was for me to pull my boots back on and to wet my hair and comb it to rid myself of the bed head look, I was out the door in record time. I walked into the courtroom just as my one and only case was bein' called before the bench. Perfect timin'. That took all of about and hour and fifteen minutes of my time and I was back on the road home. I stopped by the house to take care of an essential matter that shall not be discussed, then off to the office where I had a lazy afternoon mostly bloggin' on the high band connection,

So, here is hopin' ya'll enjoyed the fare I offered today as much as I enjoyed what I saw on those blogs I read. Those of ya'll way on the bottom of the blogroll need to start usin' that blogrollin' ping page I told ya'll about previously. I just can't seem to get down below about number 50 on any consistent basis and I know some of ya'll are postin' some good stuff, but without pingin' and moving yourself to the top of the list, I ain't seein' it. It ain't that I don't want to, it is just that there is so few minutes in the day that I can devote to blog readin' and readin' those I know have somethin' new to see seems the only logical way to go. So ping blogrollin' so I know you got somethin' new.

Susie, I read your comment and will try to email that info to you tomorrow.

So, navel, navel, what can I say? Its still there. End of report.

Internet porn is here to stay

Absolutely nothin' surprisin' here. An absolute waste of electrons. There was not a solitary decent picture.

attribution: zombyboy

Some gal eloquently describes child-birth

Dawn Olsen provided a very very interestin' read. I remember once some gal tellin' me that there was no greater pain you could experience than the pain of childbirth. I nodded appreciatively, fully empathetic with the trials and tribulations of pregnancy and childbirth, but just could not stop myself from askin' her if she had ever been kicked in the nuts. I am pretty sure none of ya'll gals know how that feels, especially if the blow is expertly placed.

Laughin' at the misfortune of others

Hey, I know it ain't nice to laugh at the misfortunes of others, but damned if they didn't nab a couple of spammers. I am sorry but I am laughin' with delight to know a couple of those assholes are gonna have to face the music. Now I am not advocatin' the death penalty for SPAMMIN' here folks, nor do I think they should do a long time behind bars. Naw, I like to see a lot of community service for Jeremy Jaynes, also known as Gaven Stubberfield, and his cohort Richard Rutowski. I think wastin' as much of their time with mundane useful activities for the benefit of society would be just punishment for all the time we have wasted on the mundane useless activity of havin' to delete all the crap they were sendin' to us. I meant to blog on this much earlier when I caught a whiff of the story somewhere and found myself reminded while perusin' James' daily offerin's.

Don't get mad, it is only a joke

Although it ain't Friday yet, I am sure ya'll are still up for a good joke. Rosemary is supplyin' this one. And if ya are really hard up for a laugh, Susie has recycled some really old email humor about men. ( Susie, please read the title before ya hit me )

Who should reap the benefits of the sweat of my brow?

Greyhawk has most craftily, as normal, put together a most magnificent post about childhood fables and how such relate to the real world. I suggest that it be read and linked by all members of the USURP society. In our view of the world, we are Little Red Hens.

[Update: Coincidentally, Little Green Footballs also posted the original story of the Little Red Hen today. Is it me, or is there a slower loadin' blog than LGF?]

A man with a mission and a license to blog?

I got to the last line of this post and just about peed myself. Is this guy for real? Robert Prather said he was someone we could all hate. I dunno, though, 'cause I really see no reason for hatred. I jus' pity da fool! Forgive me Glenn.

Oh doncha just hate it?

I found a blogger that writes so well and is so logical in his arguments and remarks, but I dislike the design of his blog. The title graphic is too wide makin' me have to scroll sideways and the link text is too small and too dark on a dark background. Robert, I will be checkin' back on you and I have a good spot on the blogroll for you when I decide I like your blog enough. I already like your writin' --- just not too keen on the current manner of presentation. Yep, that be me - picky, picky ***. Now ya'll know why some people think I am a jackass! ;)

Cannot find server

The most ghastly words I see often enough to have permanently imprinted on my brain. I mean what is it about dial up that makes it so extremely difficult to do? I was with a service when I was in Dallas for a number of years with no meanin'ful problems. I moved here and I don't know whether it is the slipshod service from the ISP or the phone lines. I mean I did once experiment with another ISP and got the same results, so it may just be the crappy phone lines. It surely isn't like the local phone company had done one thing to impress anyone in the local area that they really give a whit whether we like them or not. When ya live in the sticks, you don't have choices. There are no competitors offerin' us better phone service or cheaper phone service. I don't know why I am wastin' this space rantin' 'bout this. I am gonna get a better internet connection soon, I promise. I have to do so for my sanity.

This sounds really serious

Bastards! Someone is going down...all the way down to Chinatown...on a Greyhound...East bound* - Gennie

The continuin' story of the idiotic media blackout

Bloggin' on the dearth of mainstream media coverage of yesterday's anti-terrorism demonstration in Iraq, Kathy Kinsley had this to say to the LA Times who seemed unconcerned about their non-coverage of this news event even after bein' contacted by interested parties by email:

You've probably never heard of Healing Iraq or Iraq the Model but I assure you, that if you and your fellow "journalists" keep on the way you are going, they will soon be far more important than you (many of us think they are already).

Time to change positions, so flip over

The polls are still open, but I am on the way home. Bloggin' will recommence at a slower pace at a later point on a lower band connection. So get over there and vote for me and get to postin' a lot of bloggy goodness for me to read and blurb about when I get around to it.

I bet it has Hugh Grant in it ;)

Ith* does a movie review. It sounds like a chick movie to me. If I find a chick, I might take her to see it, provided there is not some action adventure movie with a lot of blood splatterin, some extreme car chase scenes and some babes with big hooters in skimpy bathin' suits.

*Ith has posted a picture of her fine self on her blog with an invitation for one and all to come eat her cookies. Now is that an accomodatin' gal or what?

Beware of dark alleys and blind corners in Colorado

Huh? There is a bicycle crash on a blind corner. No drugs or alcohol involved. One rider dies, the other rider is severely injured and is now charged with a criminal offense? It is in Littleton, Colorado. There just has to be a Kobe connection here. Let's go to our rovin' reporter Jeff at Notorious B.L.O.G. for more of this story.

Why are the pages of this catalog stuck together?

If Anna links it, is is usually good. I mean who better to describe the trauma associated with teenage wanker wankin' than someone called Dong?

You talk about a load of crap

Buzz is bloggin' 'bout toilet paper. Seriously.

Now that is just about the lowest thing a blogger could pick to blog 'bout, unless, of course, someone else came around to blog 'bout someone bloggin' 'bout toilet paper. Then again, I guess you could go one step lower and blog about me bloggin' 'bout Buzz bloggin' 'bout toilet paper. That sounds like a job for Bill.

OK, now who has been rummagin' 'round in my head?

Ok, Dallas Has Lost Two in a Row...

But is this necessary? Federal Warning On Tuna Planned - Steven*

*channelin' me at the time?

Puttin' the towel on my head for a sec

Kathy Kinsley has somethin' good to say about the Germans doin' a raid and roundup of militant Muslims within their borders.I do suppose, say that I was an extremist Muslim bent on destroyin' Western Civilization and Christianity and had just witnessed the unwillingness of the Germans, the French and the Russians to tackle the terrorism situation head-on like the US and its allies did. If I was plannin' my next big world shakin' 9/11 type event, I might be thinkin' it would be better to attack those that would turn the other cheek instead of those that would play the eye for an eye game. Mein Heir, are ya startin' to get the feelin' that ya have a target painted on your forehead?

Condemned man's execution stayed against his wishes

In another bit of death penalty insanity, Justic Scalia halted the execution of a Texas Death Row inmate 20 minutes before the scheduled time for such execution to start. The issue is whether one of the drugs used in the lethal injection violates the the 8th Amendment ban on cruel and unusual punishment. The person who was supposed to be executed, Kevin Lee Zimmerman, was none too happy about the reprieve. His distaste is the basis of my objection ot the death penalty: that there is too much delay from the time the sentence is handed down and the time that the sentence is carried out. It is cruel and unusual for someone to have to wait 20 years or more to be put to death.

I have previously made my thoughts on the issue known. I suppose I should not rag on Justice Scalia too much for this inane decision, as from the showin' in his dissent in the upholdin' of the constitutionality of the McCain-Feingold campaign reform act of 2002, at least it appears that he believes that the provisions of the U. S. Constitution do mean somethin'.

attribution: Talk Left, from which my link that was previously thereon seems to be missin'. Does that mean I am doin' somethin' too right? Oh well, it is still my favorite left leanin' blog and has gotten my vote in the 2003 Weblog Award event.

Who the Hell is this guy?[*]

Thanks to James, I now know what was on the cover of Time at the time of my birth. Wanna check out what was on the cover on your original birthday?

[Update: *James kindly provides the information in the comments. Thanks James!]

What is it about Natalie?

I wanted to link one of the posts on Pickle Juice that had me crackin' up loud enough to draw the attention of my next door neighbor and landlord who thought I had decided to house a jackass in my office*, and yet could not locate just one. There was this one, and there was this one, and then there was this one. Ummm, actually I quit brayin' like a jackass when I got near the end of that last one because there was a mention of takin' a gulp out of a stale can of Coke sittin' on the counter. Last time I did that, I swallowed a couple of cigarette butts.

Anyway, since ya gave me the belly laughs, Natalie, I though I would attempt to repay the favor. So what do ya get if ya cross a reindeer with a pickle?

*There are those who are of the opinion there is a jackass in this office at all times I am occupyin' it.

No Nyak, Nyak for Iraq?

Geoffrey was beatin' on PETA for bein' the idiot assholes they are and has posted a picture of their action to get people to drink soy crap instead of the great cow juice that comes outta those warm teets that we all were raised on (unless of course, you are too damn young to be readin' my blog anyway). Go have a look, but before you go, beware, because he also said The Three Stooges are upset because they were banned from biddin' on reconstruction contracts in Iraq. Now, I love The Three Stooges, and was pretty sure they were all in their graves by now, but I have likely seen every episode ever made at sometime durin' my life, and to tell you the truth, that is probably as big a favor to the Iraqi people as freein' them from that asshole, Saddam. Seriously, I tell ya. Give Moe, Larry and Curly (unless he is on vacation, then it would be Shemp*) a hammer or a saw or even a pipe wrench and send them to Iraq and those poor people would be worse off than when Alexander the Great ruled the area.

*Am the only one who wished, just once, that the troup would have consisted of Moe, Shemp and Curly? I mean, I like Larry, but both Shemp and Curly were the best of the cast, and without Moe runnin' the show, there was no show to see.

A plethora of postin' blew by tonight

Hey ya'll! After a dearth of interestin' things to blog about yesterday, ya'll we all full of bloggy goodness today! I just kept findin' more and more things to blurb 'bout as I kept readin' all ya'll's great bloggin' efforts this eveinin'. What might have made it a bit better woulda been if I had had more time to blog when I was at the office on speed band, but nope, had to wait until after I was off work and sittin' here in the cold with my connection dyin' time and time again. Oh well, just kept warm postin', didn't I? I see the visitation topped 140 for the day, but I am still needin' those votes.

Well, the big belly dilemma of last night did pass, as I knew it would. Today's sustenance intake was slim, and thusly, so is the seat of the navel this evenin'. As such, the navel is calm and sittin' in its most splendid situation and still just wishin' it could find a companion navel with which to closely snuggle. Havin' no such opportunity, it clamors to nestle itself under a head of cotton covered goose down and get as warm and comfortable as possible. I think it has a wonderful idea, and may accompany it when it so chooses to nestle. It may be that such time is now. Just in case that be the case, I end this report.

I so heartily concur

Yes, I believe Velociman is right on point with the need to stop the practice of puttin' up roadside memorials. It is not like we don't realize there are not people killed everyday on highways. The damn reminders are really distractin' and depressin'.

I have a really big tool -- wanna see?

Yep, accordin' to one of my very favorite bloggers, David, my blog is a power tool. I 'spect mine is like a rusty chainsaw cuttin' though a dead armarillo sittin' in the middle of dirt road someplace. Now, forgive my humorous attempt here, because the post I am talkin' 'bout is a serious well-written post about the power of bloggin'. One thing that I thought was so true about the post was this:

It could be even be said, with some truth, that a vast number of weblogs have become part of the largest, unmoderated group therapy session in history.

There were also some great links to some other resources on bloggin' and such. A must read, I tell ya. So get over there and read it.

Oh, and for some bloggin' on tools, go see LeeAnn.

But it makes the war seem justified

Pssst: Reporters... great story here : Hey big media guys... Want a great story? Read the story of Zeyad, the new blogger from Baghdad. Want the story? I'll help you. Note, by the way, that almost everyone in the blogging world is linking to Zeyad's report. It's a big story.... if you listen to your readers. - Jeff Jarvis

To boldly go to infinity and beyond

Yeah, yeah, I know I have said I am not the biggest fan of these quizzes, but it was Star Trek:

You are a Galaxy-class Explorer, a top of the line
luxury-liner with teeth. You prefer refinement
and appreciate beauty. You're well-apt at
diplomacy and are trusted to handle crises.
Despite a changing world with new, you still
have a reputation for unparalleled excellence.


Which Class of Federation Starship are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Doin' the victory wave

I didn't play, I didn't care to play, I didn't even check what it was about or what was goin' on, but today I learned that LeeAnn won. I am simply ecstatic. What it was.

You just gotta believe --

James has an interestin' list of things you supposedly have to believe to be an elephant, most likely thunk up by some of those frustrated donkeys, which is quite humorous. I do wish it was numbered, but since it ain't, my favorite was Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

Flounderin' Falcons feel foolish

In breakin' baseball news* today, Dan Reeves was abruptly fired as the coach of the Atlanta Braves Falcons.

Learned it from my homeboy Scott. Read his blurb for further details.

*Check out the category designation.

Has anyone misplaced a large animated object?

Tink said to go see this. I did and there was way too much to see, but the guy in the funny T-shirt didn't seem to think so.

I am gonna be a millionaire

I am not a participant in the blog wars, but I do sometimes come across some of those Alliance assignments as a lot of my friends and favorite blogs are involved. I found one list today that intrigued me. Well, actually it was only item No. 6 that I liked, since I just bought the world-wide rights to sell pork-pie hats from Buster Keaton's heirs.

Oh, I did forget to give my good friend, Susie, who is likely mad at me because I have finally, with a lot of effort, climbed on top of her* credit for sendin' me to the place where I found the list.

*And now that I am here, I am hopin' she softens up a bit and we can have a bit of raunchy fun. ;)

Waaaaaaaaah!

I made my first visit to Silflay Hraka from a recommendation from my friend Eric at Who Tends the Fires. I was expectin' to see Bugs Bunny. I didn't. I was disappointed. I would cry but I am listenin' to I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas from a link I found at Buzzstuff. I suppose I should tell Michele about it since she asked, but no matter what she posts she gets comments, and I can't seem to get any comments even if I beg.

Oh by the way, if you haven't gone and voted for Best Large Mammal Blog today, I need a few hundred more votes. Now surely as the only blog in contention with an actual large mammal in the name of the blog, I deserve your vote. Vote, vote often and vote for Tiger: Raggin' & Rantin'.

Study in Black & White

Although I had seen this interactive Christmas animation last year, I am amazed as much about the talent displayed now as I was the very first time I viewed the artist's efforts.

attribution for reintroduction to the link: SilverBlue

Iraqis say Fuck Terrorism

Glenn has been keepin' a close eye on somethin' truly remarkable and the no pro-bush news coverage of the event.

[UPDATE: It seems everyone is on this story except the traditional media outlets. Closest to the story: ZEYAD and Omar. Other voices: Mama Bear & Kathy K; the Commissar; & Kevin Aylward so far. If you have posted somethin' on this story, feel free to add your link to the list by trackin' back to this blurb.]

Do I need a new tagline?

As I have high speed for at least part of the day, maybe the old tagline is jaded. I am thinkin' of changin' to this one:

Bloggin' done proudly though few ever read, even fewer care to link and hardly anyone ever comments.

Pretty snazzy, doncha think? And so, very very true.

I guess I am tryin' to be DON

Yes, I am always strivin' to obtain perfection, although I am often confused as to what exactly consititutes perfection. Thankfully Don has defined himself as the perfect man,* so now I have found somethin' to shoot for.

*There is a bit of evidence, however, that he is not quite perfect, as I noted he did not have Tiger: Raggin' & Rantin' listed on his blogroll. For shame!

The Christmas Blues

I seems that Tink is a bit blue* as the holiday season approaches. However, some of her gripes and concerns are very valid points.

I have not really enjoyed any holiday much since my wife passed almost a decade ago. Bein' orphaned, widowed and childless does have it downside. Enjoyin' holidays is way up there on the list of things that are just not all that much fun when you are alone in the world.

*As long as she doesn't sprout long ears and a fluffy tail, I am sure Roxette Bunny won't mind sharin' the color.

Re: my rather demeanin' comments

I dunno why, but I found the recent comment to this old post of mine to be quite amusin'.

Well shut my mouth

James of OTB posted a most shockin' headline: SCOTUS OVERTURNS 1ST AMENDMENT. And it appears that when it comes to campaigns and campaign contributions, the Constitution receives strict construction no consideration. Appallin', simply appallin'. Here, you read the story and see what you make of it.

Kristopher sees it as a good thing.

Happy Blogoversary to Silver Blue

Silver Blue has hit the big six month mark in bloggin' today and took the time to pass along a bit of advice* on how he attains such a high visitation rate. I still remember way back to when I hit 6M.

*Of course, in my neck of the woods, we spell that final word: sacrilege.

Straight from my inbox to your eyes

I got this from my Aunt Jeanette. I am sure some of ya'll will enjoy this.

Subject: If I were Santa

If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do

I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you,

and deliver some things just inside your front door,

things you have lost, but treasured before.

I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,

and to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.

Then restore the old color that once graced your hair,

before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted,

so things now suspended need not be uplifted.

I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back

Til you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin,

So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin

You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells

And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes,

No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.

Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny

From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.

You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take

And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache

Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid

You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid

I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle

and the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle

But alas! I'm not Santa, I'm simply just me---

The matronliest of matrons you ever did see

I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got,

But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot

Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere

Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year

Yes, I am here

Hey, sorry 'bout not postin' nuthin' yet. Just been busy with some other stuff. Tryin' to read a few blogs here and there, and will definitely let ya'll know if somethin' really interestin' comes up.

Consciously unconscious

Maybe it is me, or maybe it is just a slow day, but I have read several blogs and found nothin' all that interestin' that I wanted to comment about, so I am just gonna give up for the night. I am not feelin' all that well, anyway. I suspect it is nothin' serious. I think maybe I ate a little too much, havin' had a large tub of popcorn that I ate while watchin' the movie and then stopped and had dinner on the way home. I suspect everythin' will pass sooner or later. My belly is stretched a bit so my navel is exposed like it belonged to some beer-bellied redneck. End of report.

No comment

Paul Simon died today. Art Garfunkle was unavailable for comment.*

*No irreverence was intended, just humor, so don't get your panties in a wad, OK?

Somethin' strange I learned today

Hey, wanna thank those of ya'll that came by today to find somethin' new and didn't find anythin' newer than yesterday. As I stated in last night's Nightly Navel Gazing Report™, I had a lot on my plate for today, so this is the first time since really early this mornin' that I have even been near a computer.

Actually today went far easier than I had thought. I had called the other county yesterday lettin' them know I had the local settin' this mornin' that could not be put off and that I would head over as soon as I was finished. The local situation was basically a child support situation where we just had to calculate how much child support and arrearages my client would have to pay now that the paternity tests established that he was the father of the child. It took about an hour to get all the papers together after the figures were agreed upon, the judge signed it and off I went. I dropped into the office to get my overcoat because the wind had picked up from the north and the radio had said the temperature would be droppin' durin' the day. Heather said the Court had just called. I told her to call back and tell them I was on my way.

Thirty minutes later, about 10:30 am, I walked into the Court. The DA asked me to check if one of my two clients was willin' to take the deal offered. I had already told the DA my client would take it last Friday over the phone, because it was marked on my file as the goal my client hoped to achieve when I had first met him in jail. I asked him and he assented, so someone got started on his papers. I inquired as to the deal on the other client, asked him about it, he assented, and it seemed someone had already assumed he would take it and had his papers already prepared. Both clients were taken before the judge, mumbo jumbo, bang the gavel, move to the next case. I tell both clients to stay outta trouble and off I go. I was headin' back to the office by 11:30 am.

I hit town by noon, ate lunch with Matt while he picked my brain about one of his criminal cases. I dropped him back off at his office, stopped to check on Heather, then headed off to the dentist. I arrived at the dentist office 15 minutes prior to my scheduled appointment time and read Texas Monthly's article on the Disney Alamo movie that was moved from a Christmas openin' to sometime next April. Then I went in and got the last of four cleanin's. The hygienist was pleased with the way my gums were respondin' to the treatment, so I am guessin' the excruciatin' crap that had been done while I was stuck in the chair with my mouth open was actually worth the effort. I got an appointment for the first two of several crowns after the first of the year, and I was out of there just a little short of 3:30 pm.

On each previous trip to the dentist, I have treated myself to a movie afterward. I kinda gives me somethin' to look forward to in goin' to the dentist. I pulled across the street to the AMC 10, and to tell ya the truth, there really was nothin' I was absolutely dyin' to see. I checked everythin' out and the only thing playin' around that time was Disney's Haunted Mansion. The actual start time was 3:20, but I had been there enough times to know that they had 20 minutes of previews before the movie started. I even took the time to stop and get popcorn and a Coke*. I walked in to the theater, but it was dark. I always sit on the back row, usually near the aisle so that I can stretch my legs in the aisle if necessary. As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I could see I was the only one in the theater. They were playin' some blurb about turnin' off your cell phone, which I had done ... and I thought that I could likely actually turn mine back on as there was no one to be disturbed.

I watched the movie. It was OK, but I wouldn't recommend payin' full price to see it. Maybe I am just too old for mundane Disney fare now. So the movie ended and as I left, I decided to ask the person who sold me the ticket, and then ran over to the concession stand to sell me my concessions, if, by chance, I had not bought a ticket to see the show, would it have run to an empty house. She looked at me like I asked a silly question and assented that they surely would do so, and I suspect have on many occasions. I had never been the sole person in a theater watchin' a movie before and am still flabbergasted that they would actually let a film run to a empty house. I am now wonderin' if the whole projection system is just automatically programmed, where it would be harder to stop the movie from runnin' than to mess up the system setup.

Lite Bloggin' Warnin'

Yep, gotta cut the inanity short this evenin' 'cause I got a day from Hell tomorrow, what with havin' a docket in two courts 20 miles apart at the same time in the mornin', and then havin' a dental appointment 50 miles away in the afternoon. I see my wonderment from last night's report drew absolutely no response, so I suppose I will not ask the question on my mind tonight.

The navel is as well as can be considerin' it is ridin' on a bloated belly. Seems I ate more pecans than I should have. End of report.

Watch that zapper, por favor

He prolly should have settled for the dog, don't ya think? Who? Adam.

Link shamelessly swiped from LeeAnn.

Bypassin' the clambake here, boss

Hmmm, I have always heard somethin' about bein' as happy as a clam, but I was not quite sure what it meant. I think I do now, and the clam might have a good reason to be happy.

attribution: Xrlq

Preachin' for responsible penis usage?

Over on Classical Values, I found this little quip:

. . . my penis is my business. It isn't to be judged by what others do with theirs.

I kinda liked it, but thought My penis is my responsibility is not to be judged upon the irresponsible activity of other penises.

[Update: As long as we are on the subject of penises, you might oughta check out somethin' CG Hill has posted over on Dustbury.]

A simple sign of a simpleton

Oh my! I was checkin' the details on sitemeter and came across this:

115 minutes and 31 seconds

reflectin' the amount of time one visitor spent perusin' my blog. Wow, I thought, someone was readin' all my archives or somethin'. But wait, maybe it was a possible enemy who had Googled me and was tryin' to dig up some dirt. I figured I had better investigate. All it showed was a number and no referral link. I ran the number through ARIN and low and behold, it came up with my cable internet provider. It still took a few minutes before I realized that the visitor was me on the office system. I have not yet configured sitemeter to ignore visitors from that IP address.

I did that once --

And after I finish, I take the shredded remains, digest them, mix liberally with all of the other stuff in my swamp of a mind, wait for gas, and if something bubbles up, I stick tongue in cheek and spew it into WordPad. Sometimes I hit [Save]. Sometimes I just go "What was I thinking?" and hit [Delete]. - Ironbear

I once wrote a piece of crap, looked at it, and then hit [DELETE] and cried for hours afterward. I really missed the little crappy thought that had plopped outta my mind. I found I had loved it so much that I mourned for days and days afterward. I decided never to do that again.

But it is always that great

As I was sayin' earlier, what with the high band cable connection at the office, I am enjoyin' watchin' multimedia items again, however, some of 'em really aren't worth watchin'. I really mean it. Some are just sick!

I saw the blurb at Little Tiny Lies to check the link on John Cole's blog, Balloon Juice. You may have already seen this ad, or wisely chosen not to do so.

Forego beverage consumption briefly

It looks like I was not the only one to post a hilarious joke today.

The problems with the plan

Jeff Trigg has a holiday appropriate item up for viewin'. I am not sure if it was a satirical piece or a serious commentary on today's PC climate. All I can say is that I was thoroughly appalled at the unwanton cruelty shown by the reckless treatment of organic tomatoes.

Ya'd think I do better

Yep, sittin' here after work, got the highband kickin' and am I bloggin'? Nope, been busy over at Atom Films. Ninjai is pretty good. I had completely given up on tryin' to check out anythin' that took more than 5 minutes to download on lowband, so now I am scramblin' to catch up. I haven't run across the Wally and Grommett episodes.

Monday Mornin' Mirth

I got this one in my email, and just couldn't wait until Friday to post it. So enjoy:

Lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Still searchin' for a clue

I am amazed at how I could have posted somethin' as controversial as this and not have gotten a single comment or mention or whatever. I often wonder if anyone gets beyond the first line before they decide I am so full of crap that they need to pay no mind to anythin' I say. To them I say, Hey, I got a good lookin' navel though! Hang around until closin' time and I might let ya have a look.

The votin' is still goin on and I am into the double digits now, but a long way from first, second, third, fourth, fifth or sixth place. I don't need but about 10 votes or so to get up into seventh place. I really ain't worried 'bout it, just bothers me that the ones in first, second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth place are not on my blogroll. Maybe they should be.

So, those of ya'll that hung around to the final bell -- are ya ready to see the navel? Well ya better be makin' your plane reservations, 'cause it is somethin' that is only available in person. If ya was lookin' for a photo, hit the category link and scroll. I think there might still be one or two photos of my navel in some of the earlier entries. However, I am gazin' at it right now, and it ain't lookin' like all that. End of report.

Pray for Daniel

I was perusing the posts over at Time for Your Meds, and Crazy Tracy was sayin' how nothin' in her life seems all that hard to put up with when she sees what Daniel has to deal with on a daily basis. Pray for Daniel!

Kudos for Peter Jackson

I mean sure he deserves kudos for the excellent production of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, but to actually have a Tolkien in the cast is a stupendous idea!

attribution: Her Majestic Link-Mistress Kelley, who has plenty more where that one came from

There be another?

Before I start, last post showed to be No. 1700 for those of ya'll that are in charge of keepin' up with such stats.

Nope, the purpose of this post is that I have actually located another person who knows about the One Night Flyin' Reindeer Huntin' Season.

Gender-neutral toilets make sense

OK, so this is a really great controversy. University of Chicago wants to install gender-neutral restrooms. Do what? you say? Yep, they want to make all the bathrooms available to everyone. This may be very surprisin' to many of ya'll, but Go for it, I say. Seriously, I see no problem with it. Azygos does, as does his source at Pardon my English, as it seems do most of the commenters to the source story.

I think it is so strange that in this sex-crazed society of ours that there would be such prudish feelin's about biological functions. I have been at concerts, football games and other large crowd events where it is not all that uncommon to find some woman with a full bladder who will venture into the men's room to use one of the stalls to piss. From my observations, very few men balk at the activity, and some take amusement in it. Now, really, urinals are affixed so that you have to face them to use them, so your back is to the room. The toilet stalls are surrounded by doors and walls, so there is some privacy provided as well. So what is the big deal?

I was in Germany in the Army and it is not uncommon for people to stop right on the side of the road to do their business with no thought of hidin' themselves. I remember one incident where I was ridin' in the back of a deuce and a half, a large truck with the back covered with canvas and we were pullin' a water trailer. I needed to whizz in the worst way. You just didn't signal the driver to stop, you either held it or you figured a way to whizz. I climbed out onto the tongue of that trailer, aimed and let it flow. Just as the flow began some woman in a Mercedes pulled along side to pass. The woman looked over at me, smiled, waved and then went on her way.

When my wife was alive, we used to enter the bathroom all the time with the other one in there, doin' whatever we happened to be doin': brushin' our teeth, whizzin', showerin' or poppin' zits. I adored that intimacy. One of the things I gauge for compatibility is how offended some gal gets if I need to take a whizz on a trip and just pull over to the side of the road and do my business. I mean, sure, I do attempt to conceal the deed, but turnin' my back seems sufficient.

Seriously, folks, even the very youngest know what number one and number two are and how it is done. I have always thought it made more sense to have gender neutral toilets. I am still awaitin' the time I see some gal sidle up to one of those urinals and lets it flow.

Hey, did ya'll know about this?

There is an eternal bear vs. shark debate. Hmmm, I guess if they are on land, I gotta go with the bear. However, if the bear is floatin' on the ocean layin' on an air mattress soakin' up rays and consumin' margaritas, I am pretty sure the shark takes the bout in the first round. Now, this is a debate, so feel free to pipe in with your two cents.

Comin' soon to a blog near you

It seems that Jennifer is wantin' to do an in-depth interview of me to find out who I am and what I am about. Now, I know most of ya'll have determined that I am the shy, inhibited type and that I keep pretty close-mouthed about my personal matters. This may be your one chance to find out all the dirt. Go here and send what questions you may to Jennifer so that she can be fully prepared for my interview.

It is official!

Natalie of the most reknown Pickle Juice blog has endorsed me as the one to vote for in the Large Mammal category. So get ye over there and do that while I try to find a good spot on one of these columns to display my award. ;)

From whence did this come?

"I am an intergalactic alien disguised as a computer. At this very moment, I am having close, intimate sex with your fingers. Since you are smiling, I shall assume that you are enjoying yourself and will therefore continue."

I know where I found it: Chicken Soup for the Vegan Soul. There was a bit more, but the source of the material was undisclosed.*

*Or I am such a dumbass that I couldn't locate that info.

Can someone find me a bar of soap?

George, but just knowin' he had the balls to say fuck in public almost makes me want to vote for John Kerry. Of course, there is a bit more to my decision process than that.

attribution: John Cole

[Update: From Kathy Kinsley - And no, I don't give a f*** if Kerry uses the 'F' word. And I thought Bush's use of the 'A' word was reasonably accurate. Though I'd have used the word 'jackass', myself. Bush was, after all, referring to a New York Times reporter. They are all related to donkeys.]

Oh crap and more crap!

I have been busy watchin' the Cowboys destruct in their bid to unseat the Philadelphia Eagles today. I still think Tuna needs one more year to turn this team into winners. I still stick to my prediction of a 10-6 season, and if they do make the playoffs, they lose in the first round. Next year, I predict they will make it at least to the NFC Title Game.

Oh what a glorious day!

It is absolutely lovely outside. Another lazy Sunday mornin' with the sun bright in the sky, and all is quiet as people are slowly rousin' to get out to attend church services, treat their hangovers and the what-not. Everything seems right with the world and no one has any concerns except the approachin' Christmas holiday.

Wait, what is that noise, the low-pitched drone. I think I heard a distant explosion. There go the air raid sirens and the explosions increase in numbers. Sporadic gunfire grows to a constant crescendo and the drone of the planes overhead is deafenin'. All Hell has broken lose.

Today is the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. We lost a lot of Americans that mornin'. Let us never forget them.

A roundup of Pearl Harbor Day postin's:

• Mudville Gazette: INFAMY
• A Small Victory: december 7th: how long does infamy last, then?
• Ripples: Lest We Forget...
• Dog Snot Diaries: A day of Remembrance
• On the Third Hand: December 07, 2003
• Who Tends the Fires: Flags at Half Mast: In Memoriam

It is a testament to the current level of remembrance of this historical event that of all the blogs on my blogroll who had posted somethin' this mornin', the above were the only ones I could find that said a thing about today bein' the day to remember those who died 62 years ago.

If you have posted somethin' in remembrance of Pearl Harbor Day, please trackback to this post.

[Update: As suggested by Greyhawk in the comments, there was indeed more postin' about Pearl Harbor Day as the hours went by. I liked especially this short bit by Owen of Boots and Sabers: We are not a nation that yearns for war, but we are a nation that is willing to finish one. It's in our blood.]

Dec. 7, 2003

I am startin' to get a feel for the way this strip is goin' and this one is a combination between the initial strip and the one followin'.This one set me up royally and I ended up laughin' heartily at the end.

I just can't bear to watch

I mean, I really did not expect to win the Best Large Mammal award, but the top six are unknown to me, and it is not like I don't read enough blogs to have run across some mention of these supposed very popular blogs at some point or another. Kevin says there is some hanky-panky goin' on in the votin' also. LGF was one of the blogs that was affected by the cheaters and as I previously mentioned, the top vote getter in the Large Mammal votin' is a LGF designed blog. Coincidence? Who knows.

Still, despite whether the playin' field is fair or not, I am still runnin' dead last in the votin'. That is not an enjoyable sight for me, so I am gonna give up poll watchin' for now and just go watch a movie.

Before I go, however, I will let ya know a few things that were changed on the blog today: I changed my photo 'cause Susie* said she thought that picture made me look more distinguished. I added Bloggers with Boobies to the Honorarium list. I also added both Note-It Posts and Buzzstuff to the Blogroll.

Denita is gettin' into the Christmas spirit, but I wish I had someone to come decorate my place and had some worries about my child pullin' stuff off the Christmas tree. Of course, I would need a child first, or would I need the Christmas tree first? Is this one of those chicken/egg dilemmas? I ain't gonna go there.

Envision, if you will, a navel surrounded by soft black hairs. You are gazin' deeply at it and you are gettin' sleepy. You are gettin' very sleepy. You are asleep. GO VOTE GOR ***: RAGGIN' & RANTIN' IN THE LARGE MAMMAL CATERGORY ON THE 2003 WEBLOG AWARDS. I am now gonna count to three, and on three you will awake and remember nothing except the instructions you were given. One ... two ... three. End of report.

*Link is not relevant to discussion and is just a routine linky-love trackback.

Saturday slowdown continues

I decided not to put as much effort into bloggin' today as Saturdays always seem to be a slow day in the blogosphere. I also had some stuff to do, like attend a birthday party for my friend John's daughter Cheyene who turned 7 today. I did not take her a present, but did deliver a present from my two dogs, Duke and Comanche, a DVD of Findin' Nemo packed into an emptied dog biscuit box and neatly wrapped in Findin' Nemo gift wrap. I guess my prank worked, because after she unwrapped the box and saw the dog biscuit box, she just frowned and handed it off to start unwrappin' one of the other gifts. Thankfully one of her other friends was a bit wiser to the ways of giftin' and delved into the box to find the DVD. I think she was much happier with that present than she had been when she was convinced she had received of a box of dog biscuits.

Of course, that birthday gift prank didn't backfire nearly as bad as the one I played on my brother when he was about the same age. I was only 11 at the time, so my prankin' skills also lacked a bit of finesse. I had found a dead rat and I placed it in an old coffee can, along with a rusty nail, as my brother was a notorious package shaker, wrapped it up and put it among the gifts my brother received for his birthday. I can still remember the look on his face when he unwrapped the can, flipped off the lid and got his first look at that dead rat. He started cryin' and did so for the rest of that day. I had completely ruined his birthday. I tried to rectify the situation, owned up to my responsibility and how it was only intended as a joke, but my brother was havin' none of it. I got a good butt bustin' out of the deal too, and my brother still brings that incident up from time to time.

A couple of interestin' items to keep an eye on

Now I like this idea. Bloggers with Boobies. I like boobies, even on bloggers, but preferrably in my hands or mouth. Uh, enough of that -- no sense gettin' myself all worked up over some fantasy that will never be fulfilled.

Then I saw this: Blog it Forward. Sounds interestin' but ain't it the same thing as Linky-Love?

OK, time to 'fess up

Which one o' ya'll sent me over to Everlastin' Blort? I think it was LeeAnn. Afterall, the sort of stuff that makes ya blow soda outta your nose is right down her alley.

It is also one of the reasons I voted for The Cheese Stands Alone as the best Maraudin' Marsupial blog.

OK, time to make a hard decision

Yes, the nominations have been made and now you have to choose between myself and several of my friends in the Large Mammal category in the 2003 Weblog Awards. I am pleased to just have been nominated. My vote is gonna be as difficult as any of yours in this category. Please vote with your conscience. If your vote be for me, such will be appreciated. If your vote be for some other deservin' friend of mine, so be it. To my friends in contention for this award -- Good Luck!

[Update: As I was goin' through the rest of the Ecosystem categories, I saw where my goofy blog Abject Apathetic Procrastination was nominated for top Slitherin' Reptile blog. I was surprised and aghast! I voted for one more worthy, but whomever nominated it, you need to get your head examined. The only way that one should win an award is if there is a category for blog authored by blogger masqueradin' as marsupial or the worst munu blog.]

[Update II: with the votin' so far, it looks like my chances for even a show suck. I am wonderin' if the current leader's blog is all that great as I have never even heard of Roger L. Simon. So, I checked it out, and the first thing I notice is that it has no true blogroll, save a list of graphic links to mostly big dog blogs, and was designed by LGF, which is likely a real clue as to why it leads in the votin' as well. The blog is not that bad, authored by an actual professional author of mystery stories bloggin' on current news items from a mostly conservative slant.]

Oh, is this not too damn true?

Just read it and weep, unless you are a gal, then go ahead: enjoy your power.

I am funny too, ain't I?

Meryl Yourish stated:

My money is on Scrappleface beating Allah for the Best Humor Blog. Scott Ott is one of the top three funniest guys in the blogosphere (the other two being Lair Simon and Frank J). Nobody else really stands a chance in this category.

I am startin' to really get a complex. It has been my goal to inject a bit of mirth into my bloggin' efforts and no one ever seems to take notice. I was almost sure I was among the top funniest guys in the blogosphere, just yet undiscovered by a great number of the membership of the blogosphere.

Hey, the polls are not yet up in the Large Mammal category. I doubt I will win, but it would be nice to show. Of course, I have not even yet learned if I got beyond the nominatin' process. Now it would be a cryin' shame if I weren't nominated.

I am gonna go practice my cryin' just on the off-chance I ain't nominated. More inanity to follow at a later time.

George, this sucks!

Blank! The page is blank and my mind is blank. I only say my mind is blank. There are actually thoughts spinning around in my brain, thoughts of what I might put upon this page. Words flow, but nothing of substance is found amongst the purposeless prose. Writer's Block.

Hell, you've got mail

I got somethin' in the email that I don't understand:

Je lis votre écriture et je pense qu'elle est très drôle. Vous et Lewis jerry êtes les hommes les plus drôles vivants.

I think it says somethin' about buyin' some penis enlargement pills that are endorsed by Jerry Lewis. It is too early in the mornin' to even consider any humorous implications regardin' that thought.

I give up because I can't remember the title

OK, now that Denita, my one very loyal almost always reads every bit of crap I write reader has come by, I can now say that I have probably drank enough bourbon to sound just like Acidman, there is no way I could ever look that ugly, sorry, and damn if I have not had to backspace to fix all those bad keyboardin' mistakes ... oop, forgive me but I need to go piss ... now, I am back and where the Hell was I anyway ... oh, somethin' about how ugly Acidman is or somethin' like anyone gives a damn anyway .... anyway, I am out of eggnog, but still have few ounces of bourbon in the plastic bottle ... damn, I forgot where I am, who I am, or some shit like that. Hey what is the title of this damn post anyway? Anyone got any idea who the Hell I am? Where the fuck are my pants, and what the fuck am I doin' runnin' around naked when there is no one else around? George, will someone come shoot me, because I am thinkin' I am goin' crazy? I just looked in the mirror and I swear I saw someone else lookin' back at me. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

In the interim

Well, I have returned to Hell! Yes, I just could not remain at the office all night. I mean despite the frigid ambient temperature, the lowband connection, and the utter loneliness* of the place, there really is no place like home. Besides, I had to feed the dogs.

I had attempted to put some kind of router that my friend John recommended so as to create a firewall and to split the signal so that Heather could have eBay access in the reception area. I mangled it, so had to go fetch John and haul him down there to crawl around on the floor under my desk with me and correctly connect all the wires. I am glad no one was on the square to peer through the windows or there could be a really nasty rumor floatin' 'round town right now about John and I rollin' 'round on the floor together. I got that cable up and runnin' and began some downloadin' of some badly needed updates to the software on the reception computer. I still have to reconfigure the network to get the computers to read off of each other and to share the printer. Alas, I will probably frag that too and have to hire someone to come repair the damage.

Well, anyway, I got me a quart of eggnog and am gonna see if there is enough cheap bourbon left in that plastic bottle** to make it tasty and go watch Apocalypse Now Redux*** durin' the interim between now and when I come back to make my Nightly Navel Gazin' Report™ -- you know, the dwell when no one is comin' 'round to read my crap. If I get snonkered enough on eggnog laced with bourbon, I might end up lookin' like Acidman. I'll let ya know.

*It is pretty lonely down at the office too after the close of business.

**It seems I remember drinkin' plastic bottle bourbon before they actually started puttin' it in plastic bottles.

***Yes, I did have to look it up to find the correct spellin'.

Captain America disses France*

Dan has the scoop -- and scanned it for formal display.

*Was that a thunderous roar of applause?

[Update: I have a report that someone in France has gotten some balls and finally said: Americans are really starting to piss me off. - Monique, 13. Should we sic Captain American on her? Or how about Chomps?]

The continuation of the ban on self-medicatin'

The inanities that have snowballed in conjunction with the War on Drugs produced another injustice. The continued proliferation of such insanity might drive Zombyboy straight into the arms of the Libertarian Party.

SilverBlue links to naked lady

She ain't my momma and I ain't thinkin' she be SilverBlue's momma, but ya gotta bet she's someone's momma. Supposedly it is suspected she is someone's imagined red hot momma, but defintely not red hot -- to me.

Punch all the way through your ballot

The votin' has begun in selected categories in the 2003 Weblog Awards.

Since I was invited to suck a bit of Kevin's bandwidth, I proudly display the logo for the event (designed by Michele, I think).

I did see that the nominations in the Large Mammal category are still open and that 2 of my 3 daily readers were kind enough to mention me. I appreciate your kind support.

I made my selections, and found that most of the ones listed I did not recognize and currently do not read. I voted in accordance with my blogroll, and where there was more than one blog in any category on my blogroll, I chose the one I would choose to read first if they all came up together as havin' just been updated. I was very disappointed to not see Primal Purge* in the humor category, though not at all surprised that I was not even suggested in the nomination process. I am startin' to get the hint now that I am the only one who finds any humor in my writin'. I did not vote for InstaPundit for Best Overall, but then really did not think any of the ones nominated were Best Overall. I don't really understand the criteria for Best Overall. To my way of thinkin', the Best Overall Blog would be a blog that covered a wide range of topics with a neutral attitude in a pleasant and appealing format written in a style that is enjoyable to read. I don't think such a thing exists. There are those that do well in some parts and some that do well in several parts, but none that do well in all parts. Not even me! But I do try. ;)

*at her own request, however.

Gettin' to the heart of the matter

This story has been tagged by a succession (Crescat Sententia; Signifying Nothing; PoliBlog) of bloggers decryin' the action of the defense attorney in the case where the defendant was sentenced to two weeks for burnin' the flag. However, I can just about bet ya that there was also a judge and a prosecutor involved in the case. All are ethically bound to uphold justice, so that makes this a literal travesty of justice.

What do ya call it?

I can't think of the word for a nightmare you have durin' a daydream, if there is a word for it. Wharever it was, this tale by Azygos just triggered one that would send tingles down your spine.*

*There is a word for that -- it is called spine-tinglin'.

Let's Rock 'n Roll

Oh my George, I might never go home. I just got back from finishin' up today's court docket, and the Cable Guy has finished the job he didn't complete just before closin' yesterday and now I am cookin' with gas. Four years ago I had DSL then I moved to this little burg where broadband was non-existent above 128K for $100 a month. I inquired with the phone company about DSL availability. Six months. 6 months passed, I asked again, six months. Another year, I ask again, six months. Microwave came in with a hefty $500.00 installation fee. I checked when DSL would be available. six months. Some tells me they are rewiring the city with fiber optic cable. It will be completed in six months. Just on the offhand that this competition to a possible market had spurred the phone company into initiatin' DSL in the area, I called to see when they might have it. Six months. About six months ago my friend John at the convenience store tells me he is gonna to sign up for cable and WiFi it so as to connect at his house a couple of blocks away. My house in the signal line path, so he was gonna give me access. A week ago, my friend Matt was braggin' to me about his new cable internet connection on his office system and I asked for the guy's card. I still don't have the WiFi at home but I now got me some high band on the office box. I wonder if I am gonna have to change that tagline?

Dec. 5, 2003

A woman went to the doctors office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Well, yes I did… but I bet her hiccups are gone now!"

I be a'floatin' along

Well I am awash with the euphoria of a most titillatin' conversation and have no inclination to concern myself with the condition of my navel. End of report.

At a loss for the correct words

Merpy Chriskwanzukkah and everything you wanted to know about it.

The ugly American is Iraqi

It seems there has been some insane fiasco in Baghdad concerning the assault of an Iraqi citizen by a employee or agent of The New York Times - another Iraqi. OK, so what is the deal with the local American bureau chief tryin' to sweep the episode under the rug? You really have to read this email exchange.

Owen - another daily double!

Now let me get this straight

Owen reads of the 100,000 year old fossilized remains of a small sea creature and develops penis envy?

How the mighty have fallen

Eugene Volokh has stooped to bloggin' 'bout Penis Enlargement SPAM.

Prez holds prop on photo op

It would appear that a controversy has arisen over a non-issue associated with George W's visit to Iraq on Thanksgivin' Day.

Ravenwood - daily double!

Pity link

I guess they were right about Instapudnit being overrated though, man I wish I got linked from him, doesn't matter, the blog is full of other peoples opinions and nothing in the way of commentary you get here or just about ANY OTHER BLOG ON THE INTERNET! - Dan

And let him feel the sheer power of a ***lanche. I bet if all three of you click this, it will be the highest visitation rate ever for this blog.

attribution: Ravenwood

Follow the leader

It seems that Geoffrey has decided to follow the recommendation of Democratic Senator from Georgia, Mr. Zell Miller, and vote for Bush in 2004. I can't say I could blame either of them for their decision.

Catchin' mice barehanded

Yes, I did it. I actually caught a mouse. Of course, I was barehanded, but I didn't touch the mouse. See, I had eaten this bag of microwave popcorn last night and dropped the bag with a few unpopped kernels remainin' in the trash, only I missed and it fell along side the trash can. The trash can is right next to the chair I sit in when I am bloggin'. Well, I kept hearin' this screechy-scratchy thing goin' on and happened to see that little mouse run out of that bag. I continued to blog and then heard the screechy-scratchy noise again and quick as a flash snatched up that bag and squeezed the top shut, catchin' that little mouse inside. I then took it out and let it go onto the porch. Comanche chased it, but I think it got away. With my luck, the little varmit figured out how to get in here once, so I will likely have to battle him again tomorrow. I guess I will have to go invest in some mouse bait and poison the little critters. I really hate to do that, but a good rat snake is hard to find.

I really do want to thank the 9 of you who took the time to visit my blog and the 7 of you who actually read some of my crap. Just knowin' that there is such a nice trickle of readership that enjoys my writin' makes it all worthwhile. Of course, nothin' seems to impress my navel. It just sits silently without utterin' a peep about anythin' that goes on. I stare and stare at it tryin' to make sense of things and that navel never moves, well, except for a joyful jiggle from time to time if somethin' mirthful tickles it. It is gettin' quite borin' though lookin' at the same navel night after night, so I thought about paintin' it. I went down to the hardware store and would you believe that they did not have a single can of Navel Orange paint? I heard there was some law under the terms of the Patriot Act that you were not allowed to paint navels any other color.

Now, I didn't even understand any of the foregoin' so if you did, I would be absolutely amazed. I just ain't got nothin' more to give this evenin' so --- end of report.

Somethin' good followed by excessive sarcasm

A very interesting prank call dialogue to be seen on a blog that was likely overlooked in the nominations for Best Lookin' Blog in the 2003 Weblog Awards.

attribution: John Cole

Fiction muddles up the truth of the matter

It seems Eric has collected the strangest list of facts for ya'll to see. Go have a look for yourself.

***: South Park-Style

It's all Susie's fault

So how much do you really know?

Well, although the accuracy of any survey is suspect unless you know the criteria, source, and sample percentages, but still the data is sometimes interesting. Some site callin' itself Blog Search Engine posted the results of some survey they supposedly on bloggers. Entertainin' in the least.

attribution: Sassy

Strange things catch my eye

I was over readin' some of the fine remarks of the Cracker Barrel Philosopher and came across a quote from this story that began with this line:

After arriving in the United States with a diploma from Leningrad University (a university with such alumni as Vladimir Lenin, Ayn Rand and President Vladimir Putin), I realized that I had the extremely unmarketable skills of a Marxist-Leninist philosophy professor.

Now I start wonderin' about one suspected inacuracy about that line. Is it actually possible that Comrade Vladimir Lenin actually graduated from an institution named Leningrad University? I admit that Russian/Soviet history is not my forte', but it would seem logical that Comrade Lenin attended college before he came into power and places began to be renamed in his honor.

The title escaped unscathed

Suicide bombers are just a sickenin' example of fetid fanaticism, but what if it was just all a sick game where no one actually got hurt?

attribution: Drumwaster, who provided commentary whether he thought so or not.

Sometimes I wonder about things

I have attempted to emulate the more popular bloggers who seem to post with some regularity, but I often wonder if some of my choice posts go unread because they get buried under the crap. Oh well, I can always console myself with my newly won BUZZ. Thanks SilverBlue, I shall treasure it always.

Doin' a double take and seein' the Big Picture

When I read Kathy Kinsley's rant about this story, I immediately jumped on the bandwagon about the actions of Oklahoma Republican Congressman Rep. Ernest Istook in introducin' legislation to deny federal fundin' to transit agencies that are "involved directly or indirectly with any activity ... that promotes the legalization or medical use" of illegal drugs in response to advertisements promotin' the legalization of marijuana as bein' patently violative of the First Amendment right of free speech. Then I read the story. It appears that the ads were Public Service Announcements, free ad space donated for public service use. So, now it seems that maybe the Metro was a Federally funded public entity promotin' the repeal of law. Does the right to free speech apply to Federally funded public entities? If the ads had been bought and paid for by some foundation promotin' the legalization of marijuana, surely any action by the government to curtail their ability to advertise might be suspect under the 1st Amendment, but such is not the case surrounding this incident.

Are not Public Service Announcements, by their very nature, often a mere promotin' of one political agenda over another? Does the government owe to the public the right to have positions that are adversarial to the current law funded by the government? Is there a right to equal time for the opposin' viewpoint, so that for every anti-DWI ad there has to be a ad promotin' drunk drivin'?

The proposed legislation, like most of what comes out of Congress and every other law makin' body, will probably be so overbroad as to step on protected rights, but as far as it attempts to cease the promotion of any stance adversarial to the government position done at government expense, I concur.

It ain't pissin' in the wind

I am afraid there are things in this life I would rather I had never known about. Thanks to Jeff, I have become acquainted with one of them.

An absolutely amazin' discovery

After two years of investigatin', it is discovered that the Hell's Angels are involved with drugs and guns.

attribution: TalkLeft, who also reports that the coroner has ruled the death of the 400 pound black man to be homicide at the hands of the police.

Life goes on --- dammit!

Someone was complainin' 'bout the 2003 Weblog Awards originated, organized and hosted by Kevin Aylward of WizBang!. Kevin, in defendin' the nominatin' format paraphrased his critics position thusly:

[I]t [the nomination process] must be controlled by people much smarter than you [those who would complain about the process] who will tell bloggers [or others in similar circumstances]what they should like. [all bracketed crap is mine]

It sounds like the American way to me ... those with the power control the election process. Oh, the little dog may back a little guy at the start, but in the end the power brokers make most of the hard decisions for the rest of us. Heck most people don't vote and don't really give a rat's ass who runs the show anyway. Well, actually, the do kinda care 'cause they seem to like to bitch about it all after the votes are counted.

Denita's Dazzlin' Dozen

Hmmm, seems Denita thought I didn't like the dozen permalinks she gave me. Did I give some indication that I was less than thrilled to pieces about such?

You can say that again and again

If exercising your first amendment right is a disease, I hope every American catches it. - Kristopher

What is it about Wednesday?

I have been up and sittin' here readin' blogs for an hour or so. I was havin' a really hard time findin' somethin' worthy of bloggin' 'bout. I mean I could tell ya'll the Carnival of the Vanities is here or how Blogshares has bit the bullet, but I figure if you had to come here to find that out, then you likely have a pretty pathetic blogroll. However, I am almost sure that no matter what inane or genuinely prophetic thoughts I could amass to fill this space, I could not make a more eloquent statement than Kevin Young, the winner of Weekly Reader's Operation Tribute to Freedom essay contest:

I am a ten-year-old boy living in the United States of America--a country that stands for freedom. Today, I woke to the chirping of birds. On the other side of the world, another boy is waking up to the frightening sound of blasting bomb.

It was a time to go to school so I chose to wear a T-shirt and shorts because I could make that decision. On the other side of the world, a young girl had a choice, too. She could wear a veil or get whipped.

Then I went to school to learn about our world, including math, English, history and science and technology. I was learning how to make the world a better place. On the other side of the world, a boy was learning how to fight in combat and survive or be killed. For the girl, school was not allowed. But she wanted to learn. So she went to school in secret, but was taking a big risk.

After school, I went to play soccer and visited with all of my friends. On the other side of the world, the boy and girl went and tried to earn some money or went to look for food and water for their family.

At night, as I slept in my nice, warm bed, I dreamed of a world filled with freedom for the little boy and girl on the other side of the world.

Check the story here.

My utmost appreciation to Deb Yoder for havin' brought this delightful tidbit to my attention.

I am just too tired to look

Yes, I know ya'll have heard this before, but I am really tired after havin' a really busy day then fightin' this sucky dailup connection to read blogs and to publish the crap I found time to write, so I think I am gonna go to bed. By the way, I want to thank all ya'll that submitted stuff in my request for feedback, but I guess I did not make myself clear. I was askin' more about he various elements I have scattered here and there, like the Tagline, the Rating, the line about my Dr. Pepper fuel that keeps my brain workin', the Logo, the Honorium, the Translater box, the Hit Parade, and other elements like that. Of course, I cannot complain about what I did receive, because I am always tryin' to give my readers what they want.

Oh, Susie, I want to thank you for nominatin' me for Best Large Mammal Blog, like surely a large mammal like a Tiger should do well, but I doubt that I will get very high in the votin'. I guess what pains me so much is that no one even nominated me in the humor category. That kinda hurts, ya know. It seems when people think of humorous bloggers, they seldom give much thought about how many times they have gotten a chuckle out somethin' I put up. Oh well, I can always just take pride in the fact that I am better lookin' than that Rob guy.

My navel is fried, or at least it looks that way through my glazed over eyes. So, off I go into the dark black slumber. End of report.

The Amber Alert ticker

As you members of the USURP Society might not be aware, there is a JavaScript which alerts people about missin' children available. I have added it to my blog and I suggest that there is no reason not to add it to your blog, so as a responsible blogger, I am asking all members to add such script to your blog.

A man has got to stand up for somethin'

Now here is story dealin' with some charges brought against someone who I would love to defend.

attribution: The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler

Hey, don't read this crap

No, I really wasn't sayin' don't read my crap 'cause everyone already knows that,* I was talkin' 'bout this ridiculous blog that Steven pointed out.

*and it seems most are heedin' the warnin'.

Can ya hear the distant sound of reindeer farts?

OK, it seems there is a bit of somethin' weird going on at the North Pole. From the information goin' around the grapevine, you can keep an eye on all such hijinks by readin' Ho Ho Holy Shit - Santa's Back!. Rumor has it that yours truly is actually postin' there now, but I won't let ya in on what role I play, and am bettin' none of ya can figure it out. Michele can't play.

A study in futility

Oh my, what a dearth of postin' for this fine Tuesday. Well, I have a good excuse. Today was another of those hectic days. I had court this mornin', court appointed case where my client is charged with two separate but similar offenses. It appears that a couple of years ago, my client wrote a substantial multitude of checks while lackin' the necessary funds in the bank to cover them, a.k.a. theft by check. Then, after bein' arrested and charged on that offense, and while out on bond, came into possession of a box of someone else's checks which were stolen from the person's mailbox by some party, most likely my client's estranged husband, and she then wrote a several checks on that account, a.k.a. forgery. My client has two small children and is pregnant with a third. Accordin' to my client, she is havin' pregnancy complications and the sheriff is transportin' here back and forth from the jail. The first plea bargain offer I got was for my client to do 9 months on one charge then return to do 5 years probation on the second charge, with it bein' a condition of probation that she pay restitution in the amount of damages done in these episodes of bad check writin'. I relay such to my client who balks at the deal.

I have to agree that such seems a bit harsh due to her physical problems, so consult with the DA, the chief dog, who is the elected head of the District Attorney's Office. He listens to what I have to say, we gather a bit of information about how long the client had been in jail, etc. I attempt to convince him to allow her to be released on probation so as to give her an opportunity to start payin' the restitution. He asks about her support, meanin' who is gonna be assistin' her on the outside. I inform him that the client's mother will give her a place to live, and her step-father will arrange employment until other suitable employment can be found. So the DA suggests that maybe if the support people are able to raise some of the restitution money, maybe some better arrangements can be made. My client informs me that her family lives in a trailer and don't even own their own cars. Maybe they could come up with $400, no where near the $6000 suggested by the DA.

So I spent a goodly portion of my mornin' accomplishin' nothin' but bringin' that gal up before the bench, havin' her acknowledge that she understands the charges against her and enterin' a plea of not guilty to both charges. This is not a triable case, but that is for my client to say.

Now, I am pretty well convinced that this client falls into that 95% of my clients that I could get off the hook if only absolute stupidity was a defense to criminal activity. She reminded me of a former sister-in-law of mine who was charged with writin' bad checks and sittin' in jail who once called my ex-wife and I askin' if we could pay off her checks so she could get out of jail. I asked her why she had continued to write those checks after depletin' the balance of her account. "I still had checks in the book," was her answer, and I was almost thoroughly convinced that she had thought it was alright for her to continue to write checks for whatever she needed until she ran out of checks. Absolutely stupid, I know, but the world seems to be full of these people, or actually, maybe the jails are full of them.

I do not know what will happen to this gal. My next step will be to call her mother and investigate just how much money they can raise. My client will likely be brought back to court in about a month and we will see if either the DA or my client has changed their mind about the offered deal and go through the whole thing again.

So, after havin' taken care of this matter, or havin' moved it off to another day, as was the actual accomplishment, I headed back to the office to check on Heather, as today was her second day of work and the first day she had faced sittin' around twiddlin' her thumbs with nothin' to do. It really ain't like there is nothin' to do, but nothin' that she is yet qualified to do. I have dedicated this first week with just lettin' her observed the daily goin's on so that she understands prioritizin' stuff, the need to maintain a good calendarin' system, the essential need for proper filin' of papers. She is doin' marvelously.

I spent about an hour in the office checkin' my email to see if there was anythin' pressin' and returnin' a few of the more urgent calls, then had to head back to the town where I had court to do jail calls. I have several clients sittin' in jail there, a few that I had not met yet. I try to make a jail call trip once every other week. It is one of the least enjoyable parts of my job, but also a very necessary one. Oh, it is not all that necessary, as there are several attorneys who handled court appointed cases that never go to the jail to visit their clients. I just think it is important that I show I am concerned enough for them to visit them in jail and talk to them face-to-face about their cases. I had narrowed the list of the ones I felt I actually had somethin' to discuss or which I just needed to make that initial contact to eight individuals.

As I was standin' at the intake window, or at least that is the best way I can describe it, as it is where all persons not brought in handcuffs enter the jail or leave stuff for the inmates, I began to get this severe headache creepin' up the back of my neck. I wanted to just abort the mission and return home. Nope, I am here and I have to go through with this. So, I get my list of locations back from the deputy behind the glass and go into the buffer room, where you go through one locked door to room overlooked by a window from a control room and then have a choice to enter another hallway leadin' off to the left or go straight ahead. I head for the door leadin' left, which clicks when the control guard sees me approach and then I wait until I hear another click to enter the control booth itself.

In there, I write my name in a book with the date and the names of all the people I am there to see, then open a box and take out 4 keys that I will need to access the 4 different rooms I will be sittin' in facin' by client through glass. I leave the control room, turn right and wait for the click before reenterin' the buffer room. I turn left and enter the long hallway that leads to the entries to various jail wards: Red, Blue, Green, and Orange. Each ward has two attorney visitation rooms, East and West. I have clients to see in Green West, the Green East, then Red East, and finally Red West. The first two were supposed to be in Green West before I got to that point, but both were trustees that are actually housed in a ward that does not have access to attorney rooms, so they have to be found and brought over. This requires some coordination between the deputies assigned to Green ward and the deputies assigned to supervise trustees. Needless to say, I sat in that room waitin' for 10 to 15 minutes before I was able to get the attention of any deputy to tell me where my people were, then another 10 minutes before the first one made his appearance. We chat for few minutes and I make some notes about what to do, people to call, etc. I dismiss him and expect that the next one will be waitin' to come in as he leaves, but NO, I had to go through the same rig-a-ma-role, waitin' an additional 10 minutes before he arrives. No all through this, as I am goin' in and out of the room, I am able to see the three I would be visitin' in Green East wonderin' why they were waitin' while I was piddlin' tryin' to get the first two out of the way. I didn't line up the order of visits, that is done by the intake deputy.

Anyway, everyone else was ready by the time I got to the other three rooms, and I was out of the jail and on the way back to the office with just enough time to get there before it was time to send Heather home for the day. What was really weird what the way my headache greatly dissipated the moment I walked out the door from the jail to the parkin' lot and my waitin' car.

I have been duped

I thought when I paid off those dastardly blackmailers, they had given me all copies of every tape they had made of the incident. I guess they lied.

I need a muse

Hey, I am sittin' here all blank of mind and comin' up with nothin'. I need a muse -- although a lovely lady to make my life worth livin'* might work, as well.

*I am beginnin' to believe no such creature actually exists. It is jes' another mythological creature like the unicorn or the duck-billed platypus.

Turnin' the tables

OK, tonight I think I wanna get some feedback. I want the readers to let me know what feature of this blog they like the best. Come on, let me here what ya like. And just to give ya a bit of incentive, let me inform ya that I am holdin' a gun to my navel, and if'n ya'll don't rush in with a lot of comments, I am liable to blow a dent in my belly. Light inanities expected. End of report.

The endless joys of dialup

Do you speak kangaroo?

It appears that a request was made that Kang start allowin' visitors to caption his pictures, so Kang has asked that ya'll drop by and do so.

Doggone it, Denita, the Musical

Denita had to go and remind me why I got out of frequentin' newsgroups.

Car 54, Where are you?

Would someone please respond to an unwarranted Gogglin' of Natalie?

As I'm sitting here writing out my (honest) resume I can't help but think, "My word, I hope they don't Google me."

Oh, the sheer terror of bein' Googled when you least 'spect it.

Whadda ya make of this?

Is Cracker Barrel Philosopher onto somethin' or just tryin' to start a nasty rumor?

Humane treatment for US Service member

Yes, it seems the 506th Expeditionary Medical Squadron was wonderfully humane in their treatment of a non-human service member.

attribution: DavidMSC

I liked it better when they watched fireflies fuck

It only took three months and £10,000 for scientists to figure out how to cook toast. They did not ask me or offer to pay me to tell them how to do it. I wonder if Tony made a buck or two off of this study?

But what, I can only surmise

If you have ever laughed at anything on this webpage, then you owe me. - Frank

There's a New Somethin' in town

Ok, so what do you think was your best post? Or even better, what do you think was my best post ever? Either way, if you want to know a good place to point it out, try BestofMe Symphony.

Where were my brains when I picked that present?

It took me a lot of thought to think of what I wanted to say about this. Seriously. On one side, I can see a child with a broken heart, and, on the other side, I can see a parent who realized they made a big mistake and attempted to fix it. I suppose if I was the parent, I might have just made a few ground rules about drummin' and if the rules were broke, I would then take the drums away.

I did that with some step-kids once, not with drums, but with their right to chew gum. I was always seein' them takin' it out of their mouth and playin' with it. Finally, one of them dropped it onto the carpet, and it took me about an hour usin' an ice cube to get as much of it out of the carpet as I could. I then told them, next time I see either of you takin' the gum out of your mouth, you will not be allowed to chew gun until you turn 10. The next day, I saw one of them takin' the gum out of their mouth, and I made them spit it out. I took every piece of gum out of the house and there was no more gum chewin' by those kids for the rest of the time I was their step-father. Of course, I was not there long enough to regrant the privilege. I am pretty sure, however, that the ban on kids chewin' gums in the house was not the reason that marriage failed. I am still not sure what the cause was, but I am pretty sure that it did not involve anythin' doin' with anyone bein' allowed to chew gum. The last time I saw those two kids they were cryin' 'cause they wanted to live with me.

My utmost sincere regrets

I must officially notify the bloggin' world that I have not received a single Google hit for dog eatin' catfish. In fact, I cannot remember the last time I got a hit on filthy lingerie.

Bubba has gone overboard

Bubba has made it official. What a putz. This idiot makes Bill look like a genius.

attribution: Kelley

The eyes of the ***

OK, Kevin is takin' nominations for all those Blog Award categories. Go nominate your favorites, but, just as a warnin', I am gonna go on a virtual cryin' jag if I don't get nominated for somethin' there. I can already feel the cyber tears wellin' up in my cyber eyes, just thinkin' 'bout bein' overlooked as usual when the time comes to recognize those who put forth their best efforts to be the best.

Somethin' worth readin --

OK, just got a boatload of mail from my Aunt Jeaneatte. Haven't gotten far into it and already found a pearl:

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."

The poem is attributed in the received email as bein' composed by a Marine stationed in Okinawa, Japan. I have not confirmed the truth so such, but am of the opinion that except for proper credit bein' given, the authorship makes no difference in the quality of the sentiments expressed.

Is the train on time?

Accordin' to Susie, this joke is on me.