Read My Lips - the blog

Apr. 22, 2005

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both were equally attractive and well spoken. It was up to the senior partner to choose one, so he took each aside and asked, "Why did you become a lawyer?"

In seconds, he chose Paul. Baffled, Robert took Paul aside.

"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients.

What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

I actually became a lawyer in line with Robert's reasoning. That might be why I am broke most of the time.

Apr. 15, 2005

Well today being tax day ought to be enough of a joke, but my aunt sent me this quite humorous little tall tale:

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it a'fore!"

April 8, 2005 - Moona edition

Q - What do the bathroom doors at the funeral home say?

A - His and Hearse.

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, a minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather ... and unto the Sonnn ... and into the hole he gooooes."

And if these weren't bad enough, read on ...

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news...

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children John Dough and Jane Dough plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. - Source.

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... LOOK!! HE'S MOVING!!!" - Source.

Posted by Moona at 11:52 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

April 8, 2005

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab ... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Apr. 1, 2005

What with today being April Fools Day, I almost forgot to bring you the finest in Friday humor. To make up for it, I am going to showcase a really funny joke:

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Mar. 25, 2005

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

And if you were wanting something just a bit more punny, check out the extended entry:

A young cowboy asked his father, "Do you think I can make a good living riding wild horses in a rodeo?"

His dad replied, "You should at least get a COUPLE OF BUCKS out of it."

"Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse," said the farmer. "You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster."

"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag' not 'feedback'."

You do believe in talking horses, don't you, Wilbur? Signed, Mr. Ed.

Mar. 18, 2005 -- Moona Edition

A day late and a dollar short:

24 Irish Quickies (Short Jokes)

"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
"Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?
The both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job.

How do we know that Christ was Irish?
Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist.
"There he was. All dressed up and no place to go."

See extended entry for remaining jokes.

The reason I'm late with my St. Patrick's Day post is that I've been trying to finish a horribly boring online Defensive Driving Course. [News flash: A pedestrian with a white cane always has the right-of-way.] Wednesday I was going to go straight home and start working on it, but I didn't get home on time. I had gone to a neighboring town for intake assessments on two new Meals on Wheels clients, both of whom were real talkers. One of them whined incessently about all of her problems and showed me all of her scars, and the other wanted to tell me her entire life history. The second lady also told about having ridden to a neighboring town with a 96-year-old acquaintance for a bridge party. She said that when she complained to another friend about how difficult it had been to have this nearly-deaf lady as a partner, the friend's mouth dropped open. "Why, I would have been much more concerned about riding with her. You know, she's blind!"

I finally pulled into my garage at 6:30, already tired. Determined to finish the course, I fired up my off-brand computer and connected to the internet via my dial-up service. The pages for the course loaded so slowly that I could surf at least four or five blogs on Blog Explosion between each page. The course was supposed to take six hours, but with the slow-loading pages, by 12:30 at night I was only half finished. I finally quit when one of the videos completely failed to load, and I tried to guess the answer to the question without having seen it. Most of the other questions had been quite obvious, but true to Murphy [an Irishman]'s law, the answer was an obscure statistic that no one would know unless they watched the stupid video.

When I told Tig about my experience the next morning, he suggested that I come over and use his laptop with his DSL connection. He, meanwhile, would play Texas Hold'Em on Blog Explosion. To celebrate St. Patrick's Day, I stopped off at the local grocery on the way in and bought a pint of beer and a bottle of green food coloring. When I arrived, I went straight to the kitchen, poured some beer into a mug, and added added a drop of the potion to turn the beverage into green beer, which I handed to Tig instead of his expected Dr. Pepper.

Later that evening, he wandered into the living room, asking if I wanted to share his bowl of Ramen noodles. He got me back ... Have you ever seen a bowl of green noodles?

Two lawyers standing before an Irish judge got into a fierce argument.
At last one lawyer lost his temper and shouted, "Sir you are the biggest fool that I have set eyes on."
"Order, order," said the Irish judge. "You seem to forget that I am in the room."

"Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?"
"No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !"

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk !!The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

Seamus was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

Mike lay dying on his bed when his wife Brigid came in to him and asked if there was anything he wanted.

Mike said "Brigid, what is that delicious smell coming from the kitchen?"
And Brigid replied "Oh Mike that is a ham I am baking ."
Mike thought, and said "Brigid, as my dying wish I would love to have some of that ham you're cooking."
Then Brigid said "Oh Mike, I'm saving that for the wake !!"

"Did you hear that Flanagan invented an invisible deodorant ?"
"No, what good is it ?"
"Well if you use it, you vanish and no one knows where the smell is coming from !"

An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says "I don't think you can get in here.
The IRA man says"Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!

"Seamus do you understand French?"
"I do if its spoken in Irish."

Two Irishmen had just won $5000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters, Sean replies, we'll just keep sending them.

Paddy was walking through a graveyard when de came across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."
"Faith now," exclaimed Paddy, "I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave."

Incomprehensibly, the last coach of the train on a normal route kept getting smashed up by vandals. A porter came up with an idea.
"Why don't we leave the last coach off!"

She followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

Why does it take five Irishmen to change a lightbulb?
One to change the bulb. Four to remark about how grand the old bulb was.

"I hear Murphy died, " said Pat. "Was he ill long?"
"No," said Mick. "He died in the best of health."

First Irish Farmer: "My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it."
Second Irish Farmer: "Did you shoot it in the hole?"
First Irish Farmer: " No, in the head."

O'Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

Mar. 18, 2005

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."

Hillary says, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane."

The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's.."

Hillary says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"

The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"

Hillary is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning.

For those of you who failed to see any humor in this joke due to your present political affiliation, feel free to read it again using someone other than Hillary in the lead role. For those of you who would like more, go forth into the extended entry.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

Mar. 11, 2005 - Moona Edition

(For Misha)

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.

By the way, since the average litter of Rottweilers is 8, and the average litter for rats is 12 - 24, maybe these pups were Rat-weillers.

Mar. 11, 2005

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up!" The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide.

They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!

This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."

Mar. 4, 2005

Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half buried kerosene lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized.

"I can't grant your wishes," explained the genie, "But I'll give you three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond, and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts."

When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his mother if anything had been delivered.

"Yes," she replied. "It's been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55-gallon drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight."

Oh, what the heck ... added bonus joke for ya'll in the extended entry.

When the company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo:

To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.

Feb. 25, 2005

In the "I Wish I Had Said That" Dept.:

Fathers are men who give daughters away, to other men who aren't nearly good enough, so that they can have children that are smarter than anybody's.

and then, in the "I Guess You Really Had to Be There" Dept:

Four ministers often had theological arguments amongst themselves, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd pastor out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, Lord!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day but the moment the minister finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above them. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!"

But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the pastor prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, Lord, a bigger sign!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning came forth from the cloud and slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the minister, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The Pastor was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "YESSSS HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The minister put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well, there you have it?!"

"So what," shrugged one of the other pastors, "now it's 3 to 2."

Feb. 8, 2005 - Moona edition

Some reptilian cruelty jokes ...

Feb. 18, 2005

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments.

After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."

I've been known to play a pretty mean cheese-slicer, myself, while my pal, Jim Bob, beats a mean tattoo on the spoons. Melba, his wife, produces sweet tones by blowing across the mouth of a jug. Over in the corner, Bubba twomps the beat on his washtub bass accompanied by Sister Sue's magical fingers rattling across the washboard.

[Graphic is reduced embroidery design found at COOKIES CREATIONS -- clicking on the graphic will open the page with the original source of such graphic.]

Feb. 11, 2005 - Moona Edition

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."

"Nope, I'm 47."

Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk the burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but, thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay,...how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's

Feb. 11, 2005

Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about bears posted in campgrounds, visitors' centers and rest areas advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.

My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a bear, don't come in here!"

And for Ozguru and the rest of the denizens of Australia, I put another in the extended entry.

Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these immigration / visitation cards to fill out.

After the standard questions, like name, nationality, passport number, etc., he got to a question that asked, "Have you ever been imprisoned?"

He pondered it for a minute, then wrote down, "I didn't realize this was still a requirement."

Feb. 4, 2005

A little old man shuffled ... slowly ... into an ice cream parlor, pulled himself ... slowly ... painfully .... up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Jan. 28, 2005

"9-1-1 Operator."

"Yes," stammered Ethyl Azala, the well known elderly matron of the town, "Please send the fire department, quickly!"

"Is your house on fire?"

"No, not that, but I have two naked bikers climbing up toward my bedroom window."

"Then you meant to have me dispatch the police, right?"

"No, I definitely want the fire department. That ladder of theirs is much too short."

January 21, 2005

Well, as there was no posting for last Friday, we will give you a daily double:

As he was driving home from work, a man in a rural community was stopped by a local police officer. The motorist was given a ticket for failing to come to a full stop at a stop sign.

"Don't I get a warning?" he protested.

The officer replied, "Sure. If you don't come to a complete stop next time, you'll get another ticket."

Sadly, I think I know that officer personally.

Two teenagers were arrested. The police sergeant told them they were entitled to one phone call. Some time later a man entered the station and asked for them by name.

The sergeant said, "I suppose you're the lawyer?"

"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver their pizza."

What's your guess: was it Papa John's?

Heck, I seem to be on a roll with these law enforcement related quickies, so if you will venture into the extended entry, you might find another. ;)

One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into a car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.

So the trooper decided to perform a community service by giving the driver back his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.

The driver looked at the trooper and said, "No thanks, I just bought some."

And for those of you who would rather see something other than a lame law enforcement related joke for today, I offer the following as your consolation:

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I do have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get!"

Have a great day!

Jan. 7, 2005

At the French Army base, the weekly target practice at the rifle range had been canceled for the thirty-third time in a row and was again replaced with a physical fitness test for the whole unit.

One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that our Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

This is modification of a joke sent to me by my New Zealand friend, George.

Dec. 31, 2004 (The End is Near Edition)

There was this truck driver who had to deliver five hundred penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, the truck breaks down. After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.

The next day the first truck driver arrives in town and sees the second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him.

The first truck driver jumps out of his truck and says, "What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"

The second truck driver replies, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."

New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep...*

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Don't date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Don't have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Don't wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Don't bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
22. Don't eat cloned meat.
23. Create loose ends.
24. Get more toys.
25. Get further in debt.
26. Don't believe politicians.
27. Break at least one traffic law.
28. Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
31. Stay off the MIR space station.
32. Don't worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
34. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
35. Associate with even worse business clients.
36. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
37. Wait around for opportunity.
38. Focus on the faults of others.
39. Mope about faults.
40. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

found here

*All options may not be appropriate for all users.

Dec. 22, 2004 [Special Humpday Edition]

Viagra Study

In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.

While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.

Discuss!

Dec. 17, 2004

1. Food has replaced sex in my life... now I can't even get into my own pants!
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood-alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ... so I said, "Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
6. Sign in a CHINESE Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas ... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life ... Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
13. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades ...THAT'S A MESSAGE!
14. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
15. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
16. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
17. I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
18. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
19. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
20. How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
23. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
24. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
25. The differences between snowmen and snow-women are snowballs.

Dec. 10, 2004

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange look and said. "Why don't you just put it in park?"

Dec. 3, 2004

A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale. He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings “Jingle Bells,” and if you put a match under its left foot, it sings “Deck the Halls.”

The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away. Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing “Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...”

Nov. 26, 2004

What with the Thursday holiday messin' up my internal clock, I had plumb forgot that today was Friday and that the time was ripe for postin' this week's Friday Jokes* Funny™. Thankfully the standard group of Google searchers lookin' for a bit of Friday humor unknowin'ly keyed me in to my neglect of duty. Without further ado, in an effort to assist all ya'll ladies who are beginnin' your Christmas shoppin' on this busiest shoppin' day of the year, I graciously present today's offerin':

Gifts For Men

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these RULES and you should have no problem:

#1. When in doubt-buy him a cordless drill. It doesn't matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

#2. If you cannot afford the above, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey, George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "Okay, by the way are you through with my 3/8 socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

#3. If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99 cent scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

#4. Do not buy men socks. DO NOT BUY MEN TIES. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he would not have invented jockey shorts.

#5. You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have WORN out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips and flips and flips. Forget the program, your entertainment is watching him have fun!

#6. Do not buy a man industrial sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I' m told they do not stink…they are earthy.

#7. Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks, shorts, cups, saucers, door, locks, sink" You get the idea. No one knows why.

#8. Never buy a man anything and then tell him he should read the instructions because the box says, "some assembly required," because it will ruin his Special Day. He will always have parts left over.

#9. Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook…but they will bar-b-que. Get him a monster bar-b-que with a 100 pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill!" The challenge! Who wants a hamburger.

#10. Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why, please refer to Rule #7 and give due consideration to what happens when he gets a label maker.

#11. It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

#12. Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says, "I love you," like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

I know some of ya'll gals are laughin' your heads off right now at this list, but to give ya the full 411, there is much truth within the foregoin'. As a piece of advice for ya'll young married gals that are wantin' to give your man a gift that will put a smile on his face but ain't got a pot to piss in 'cause the entire family budget is heavily invested in baby formula and Huggies®: get yourself a good Sharpie® and a decent scrap of paper (the back of a Walmart receipt for your most recent purchase of baby formula and Huggies® is ideal) and write good for one "no questions asked" excuse. Put it in an envelope, seal it, then, wearin' your favorite color of lipstick, put the imprint of your lips on it and put it under the tree. He'll love it. I guarantee it!

*Some of ya'll might have noticed that I recently changed the category name from Friday Funny™ to Friday Jokes Funny™ and wondered at the change. Well, I noticed a steady flow of Google searches each Friday usin' the search string "friday jokes" were failin' to find my Friday Funny™ category archives. I thereby added the struck out portion solely in an effort to assist Google searchers. That is jes' the sort of guy I am.

November 19, 2004

You're from a small town if...

1. You can name everyone you graduated with.
2. You know what 4-H is.
3. You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.
4. You used to drag "main."
5. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour.
6. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't (same goes with the game warden).
7. You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.
8. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old they'd tell your parents anyhow).
9. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.
10. You have ever gone home for Homecoming.
11. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
12. You had senior skip day.
13. The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
14. You don't give directions by street names or directions by references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks east Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field).
15. You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend or boyfriend).
16. Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
17. You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.
18. The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but is actually just like your town.
19. You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people".
20. The people in the city dress funny, then you pick- up on the trend two years later.
21. You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.
22. Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
23. You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.
24. Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
25. Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference.
26. Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.
27. You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on a daily basis.
28. Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.
29. Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.
30. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.
31. Your teachers call you by your older siblings names.
32. Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
33. You can charge at all the local stores.
34. The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away.
35. So is the closest mall.
36. It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawnmower.

Lest you find this too funny, too many of these are right on point. Seriously.

Nov. 12, 2004

There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

"What did she say?" asked the friend.

The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"

Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, Phelps uses a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return from overseas.

Nov. 5, 2004

A cabbie picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

The cabbie says, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss >me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver becomes very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!!!"

"OK,” the nun says, "Pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

He sobs, "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party".

Oct. 29, 2004

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local Indian Reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

Oct. 22, 2004

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

Oct. 15, 2004

Schwartz and Feldman, partners in the garment industry, had just suffered through their worst season ever. Eight thousand madras sports coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming closer each day.

Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there," he began, "you boys wouldn't happen to have any madras sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them everywhere."

Schwartz said there MIGHT be a few left, and soon a deal was made whereby the eight thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.

"There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer. "For an order this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday, the deal goes through as planned."

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously waiting to see if the Australian would change his mind. Friday morning went by without incident. Schwartz and Feldman were closing up shop when, at five minutes to five, there was a knock on the door: "Telegram!"

The partners froze. Trembling, Feldman grabbed the telegram and opened it. Suddenly, his face lit up. "Schwartz, GREAT NEWS! Your brother died!"

Oct. 8, 2004

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Oct. 1, 2004

A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read: "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died. Golf clubs for sale."

Sept. 24, 2004

An old farmer in Ohio had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to look things over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit from the trees. As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted "We're not getting out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and said, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket he said. "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Sept. 17, 2004 - PART 2

Hot! Jes' in from my favorite Aunt 'Net! Provided to make up for postin' the first so late in the day!

Dear Diary,

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh*t too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that b*tch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the m*th*rf*cking barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the b*tch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Sept. 17, 2004

Hey, sorry this is a bit late, but my mornin' has been so hectic, I didn't even have time to post my horrorscope!*

An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled down in their old neighborhood, were celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walked down the street to their old school. There, they held hands as they found the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, an armored car drove by and a bag of money fell out of the back, practically at their feet! Sally quickly picked it up, but they didn't know what they should do with it so they took it home. They counted all the money, and found it was fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

But Sally said, "No, we've worked hard all our lives for precious little. Besides, they'll be covered by insurance - so, finders keepers." And she put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."

*Jes' so's ya won't feel deprived:

Your Friday, September 17, 2004, Horoscope, Taurus!

You should prepare for the arrival of a brilliant idea today. A focus on one of the better points you can make to an authority figure will get you further ahead than making a big presentation.

Sept. 10, 2004

While waiting in line at the bank, a coworker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account.

After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."

"It CAN'T be!" he cried. "You have GOT to be kidding!"

"Yes, I am," she answered with a big smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that now your hiccups are gone."

Sept. 3, 2004

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it... Fish heads... You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Green. So the customer buys three.

A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads.

Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. "Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

Aug. 27, 2004

A Polish immigrant applied for a driver's license. He had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish man replied, "I know the guy!"

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved package, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming, “WOO HOO - What a ride!”

Aug. 20, 2004

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels ... just lean on each other until they arrive."

I added this bonus joke because it made me think of Bill:*

A fellow programmer had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief then remarked, "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him."

Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.

"Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you ... I get nervous around really smart people.

*Jes' so's ya'll will know, I have yet to see either version of Kill Bill for fear that the character is based upon such Bill.

Aug. 13, 2004

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

Bein' it is Friday the 13th, I guess I will have to tell ya'll a little somethin' 'bout some drivin' horror I went through recently. The retellin' is in the extended entry.

After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery.

I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, "Lord, it's up to you. If you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."

And sure enough, God answered my prayer. On the eighth time around the block, there it was!

Aug. 6, 2004

What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?

"Oh look, daddy ... doughnut seeds."

{Since I don't have a major readership like many others, this might not go far, but would it not be great if everyone tried to post a joke on their blog on every Friday? I'm jes' sayin', ya know?}

July 23, 2004

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.

Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

July 16, 2004 SPECIAL BONUS

Thanks to Funkalicious, I am happy to bring you the saga of George W and John Waffles,* two hapless salesmen who just climbed off the Cannonball with big suitcases of wares to carry up the hill so as to check in to the Shady Rest. Well, no, actually, you will find somethin' much much funnier than anythin' my poor pathetic brain is able to conceive momentarily. This Land is Your Land -- hilarious!!!!!! Hi-band connection is suggested for anyone itchin' to click such link, however.

*Whose biggest claim to fame is that he won 3 Purple Hearts?

July 16, 2004

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life?" "Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak with his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

July 9, 2004

How to tell you have a BAD Lawyer:

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. A prison guard is shaving your head.
7. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
8. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."
9. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
10. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
11. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
12. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"

July 2, 2004

Since I missed ya'll last week while I was without internet connection in a high dollar room at the Mariott Rivercenter in San Antonio, I am providin' a daily double in this week's offerin':

One evening a preschooler, Krystal, and her parents were sitting on the couch chatting. Krystal asked, " Daddy, you're the boss of the house, right?"

Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the boss of the house."

But Krystal quickly burst his bubble when she added "Cause Mommy put you in charge, huh Daddy?"

---

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry.

So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest. "Oh, I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

June 18, 2004

A bit of PC modfication done in honor of the Defenders of Texas project.

Q: What does a blonde an Aggie do when it gets COLD?
A: Sits around a candle

---

Q: What does the blonde Aggie do when it gets REALLY COLD?
A: Lights it

OK, so that left ya wantin' more? Well . . .

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk! He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living? "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling." "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. "Why did you do that?" "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.

They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. Remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.

"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you’re not allowed to bait 'em first!"

May* June 11, 2004

Cessna: "Newark tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the Newark airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna: "Uh, um...tower, I'm parked on the south ramp. I just wanted to know where the fuel truck is."

*Wow, do I ever need a vacation?

June 4, 2004

A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival. The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily "I never make way for fools!"

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said, "I always do."

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact

"Mary . .. Mary . ..."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Florida.

May 28, 2004

Exercise Class

I've been feeling like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club so I could start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, I twisted, I gyrated, I jumped up, I jumped down, and I perspired for more than an hour.

By the time I had finally gotten my leotard on, the class was over.

May 21, 2004

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public."

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system."

The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.

May 14, 2004

A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the father.

"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?" pressed the father.

"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "

May 7, 2004

Cherry picked this one out as the best one for put up for the day:

A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and immediately burst into flames...

There were no injuries.

I, however, particularly liked this one:

A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in South Carolina.

A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.

"Yes, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine, twenty-four pigs. Just think of it… twice the number there are in the jury box."

You, of course, are free to like whichever you want. In fact, you are free to like both. I guess I am somewhat magnanimous after all, huh?

Apr. 30, 2004

In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?"

The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!"

"How can you tell?" asks girl baby.

"Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his tiny night-shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.....blue booties"

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

Apr. 23, 2004

Ya'll do know that I don't jes' randomly pick these jokes out of thin air. I usually post one that really made me laugh. This one had me chucklin' for a good long time:

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I know the answer is supposed to be Jesus ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

Apr. 16, 2004

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1957."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

Apr. 9, 2004

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," answered the bartender.

A bonus:

HISTORY of TELECOMMUNICATIONS After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Irish press reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500m, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones.

Apr. 2, 2004

After 3 weeks in the garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful," she replied, "the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking; the smell, the sights --- everything is wonderful. But I have just one problem. It is these three breasts You have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, and snagging them on bushes. They are a real problem." Eve went on to tell God that many of her other body parts came in pairs such as her limbs, eyes, ears, and that she felt having only two breasts would leave her more "symmetrically balanced" as she put it.

"That's a fair point," God replied, "but it was My first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts so I figured you only would need half that. But I see you are right and I will fix that right away." God reached down and plucked the middle breast from her and threw it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, how is my favorite creation doing now?"

"Just fantastic" she replied, "except for one other oversight on Your part. See how all the other animals have paired up? The cow has her bull, the ewe her ram, and I have nobody."

God thought for a moment and said "Eve, you are right. I will create a mate for you from a part of your body. Now let's see . . . where did I throw that useless boob?"

Mar. 26, 2004

A police officer pulls over a speeding car The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

Mar. 19, 2004

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?
She replied, Aye, that ye did, Father.
The Father asked, And be there any wee ones yet?
She replied, No, not yet, Father.
The Father said, Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband.
She replied, Oh, thank ye, Father
They parted ways.

Some years later Father Flaherty ran into Mrs. Donovan as she was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin again.
The Father asked, Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?
She replied, Oh, very well, Father!
The Father asked, And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?
She replied, Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!
The Father said, That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?
She replied, E's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle.

Mar. 12, 2004, Part II

Since no one seemed to enjoy the earlier joke, so here is a REALLY OLD one.

It is hard to find a joke without a dirty word or two in it. Here is one with none.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Mar. 12, 2004

OK, it's Friday in Australia and New Zealand and I can set the time anytime I want, so this posted sometime Friday .... and groan if ya want to do so, but I liked this one:

It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria."

They were singing it beautifully. But oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonder to the performance and then approached the conductor. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"

"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor... "They're the Moron Tapanapple Choir."

Like I said, feel free to groan.

Mar. 5, 2004

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open.

She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."

Feb. 27, 2004

George really outdid himself with this week's list and there were several really good jokes from which to choose. Both of the followin' are worthy of sharin':

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants you to bring her sign back!"

I had heard that one before, but for some reason, it tickled my funny bone such that my loud guffaws could likely have alarmed the whole neighborhood ... now this next one was new to me, and it caught me totally by surprise:

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.[*]

"Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh!, Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell which is which?"

He responded, "3 were on the TV remote and 2 were on the phone."

*It does seem that women can ask some really stupid questions at times, at least in jokes. ;)

Feb. 20, 2004

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

I am a sucker for pure logic ;)

As this one is so short, I have included another one in the extended entry. It tends to make disparagin' remarks about our current President, but I remember havin' seen this same joke runnin' 'round when Slick Willie was President and he was the subject of said joke. So, I ain't makin' no political statements by postin' the damn joke, ok. Just read the damn thing ... it is funny.

President Bush is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Bush,"that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy[*] raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If Air Force One, carrying President & Mrs Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Bush, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident."

*I would assume that if you needed a name for this little smartass, Little Johnny would likely suffice..

Feb. 13 [shudder], 2004

Here's a quickie for ya'll before I go crawl back under the bed:

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.

Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

Thanks to George* for this one.

*Cherry's Dadd

Feb. 6, 2004

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.

This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again! The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

and ya'll thought that just because I forgot to post the Nightly Navel Gazin' Report™, I was gonna forget the Friday Funny™ too? I almost did.

Jan. 30, 2004

© 2002 The New Yorker Collection from cartoonbank.com All Rights Reserved

Jan. 23, 2004

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going,* everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

George musta been extremely busy, 'cause I haven't received my weekly list. I had to search to find a good one this mornin'.

*I am not sure what tradition to which this refers, but I 'spect it might be some sort of tradition that any joke about an Irish weddin' contain somethin' 'bout the weddin' party bein' drunk and brawlin'.

Jan. 16, 2004

Yeah, I know I missed a few weeks, but my source was on holiday. George is back and so ya are gonna be gettin' your Friday Funny™ again:

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."

Dec. 19, 2003

Gifts For Men

Dec. 12, 2003

It was two weeks before Christmas and Mary was doing the decorating of the living room and the tree when her Husband Tom came down stairs. "How much did those decorations and the tree cost?" He asked.

"Not much," Mary replied. "Besides, it's about time we start making this place a little more festive. You're so cheap!"

"I'm not cheap!! I'm just practical, that's all! I'm leaving for work and will be back tonight!" Tom said.

"What did you get me for Christmas this year, Mr. Cheapo?" Mary asked.

"I told you I'm not cheap, just practical! No one has ever called me cheap before!", Tom replied and gave Mary a kiss goodbye. Tom thought about Mary calling him cheap all the way to work and all the way back. Since Christmas was in a few days, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

He figured the cheese slicer may not be enough. (Yeah, what a nice guy. ;)

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean is," he said, "I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

[Update: OK, I know that was kinda old and kinda lame, so I found another one for ya'll. Check the extended entry.]

Escaped convict

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds: "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Dec. 5, 2003

A woman went to the doctors office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Well, yes I did… but I bet her hiccups are gone now!"

Nov. 28, 2003

Due to the Thanksgivin' holiday and my travel plans, it seems this is a few days late. However, I decided ya'll still needed a chuckle, so without any further ado, here is this week's Friday Funny™:

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish.".

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

Nov. 21, 2003

OK, Cherry has chosen hers, and thankfully passed on the one I liked:

News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi primary school and detained teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar.

Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. US President George W. Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction.

I thought it was so very punny funny.

Nov. 14, 2003

Before we get to the joke, let me say I got a long serious one comin' up, so have a laugh while I am composin' it. Sorry, for the lateness of puttin' up this week's edition, but the post will explain part of it, and the other part is that I always have to check to see which one of jokes on her dad's weekly list Cherry posts. She actually posted two and there is another off the list in the comments. However, this was a great edition this week, and I actually found a couple of items I wanted to share that are not on Cherry's post. Here is the joke:

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Leave this pub right now!"

He then approached a second man. Father Murphy asked, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Then there was a great quote that I wanted to share. It is in the extended entry.

"When a man spends his own money to buy something for himself, he is very careful about how much he spends and how he spends it. When a man spends his own money to buy something for someone else, he is still very careful about how much he spends, but somewhat less what he spends it on. When a man spends someone else's money to buy something for himself, he is very careful about what he buys, but doesn't care at all how much he spends. And when a man spends someone else's money on someone else, he doesn't care how much he spends or what he spends it on. And that's government for you." - Economist and Nobel Laureate Milton Friedman

Nov. 7, 2003

There was a great mathematician named Hilbert, who telegraphed Berlin saying he had proved the outstanding unsolved problem in mathematics, a thing called Riemann's conjecture. It has to do with the roots of a well known function.

He sends this telegram to Berlin, where he's going to give a speech. Everybody gets really excited. So Hilbert shows up and talks, but says nothing about the problem.

Somebody comes up to him after the speech and says, what about Riemann's conjecture, what's the solution?

Hilbert says he hasn't got one. This was his first airplane trip and he was pretty nervous, so he sent the telegram in case he got killed, so that he would die famous.

Of course Cherry has one too.

Oct. 31, 2003

A professor--also an atheist--was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God.

He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting"

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a BIG 240 pound football player happened to walk by the door and heard about what the professor said.

The football player walked in the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.

The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"

The football player replied, "God was busy. He sent me."

Oct. 23, 2003

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "Tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "Fire!!

Oct. 17, 2003

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw some man driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"*

*I think a better ending would be: "No, I did better than that," whereupon she spits into her hand and shows a glop of white stuff, "I collected a semen sample."

Oct. 10, 2003

Oh my, Cherry took a brain vacation, so I get my choice of the entire list this week. I pick this one:

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel; the only way to move things was by carrying or dragging. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just WATCHING.

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders, and they had an idea: They could sit on the boulders and watch!

This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television.!

Oct. 3, 2003

Well Cherry tried to pin me into a corner by posting two jokes today, but I still found one to share in this space.

A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce the outcome of a political election. "More on candidates at 10 P.M.," he said.

My ten-year-old son looked at me in disbelief.

"I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!" he said.

Sept. 26, 2003

I was gonna pick a different joke for today, but Cherry beat me to it. She has the inside track as it is her father that sends me the joke list off of which I get the Friday Funny™. Now this one is a bit old, but maybe some of you haven't heard it, and maybe a few of ya will have forgotten you have:

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."