Read My Lips - the blog

Too pooped to piddle, or why the floor is damp*

Well, another weekend comes to a close. Funny, though, it went by quickly and I got next to nothin' done. O' course, it ain't like I actually had all that much to do anyway, what with almost every bit of laundry bein' already done and there bein' too many dishes piled in the sink to make that a desirable chore. I saw a British reality show the other day where they made this couple face their clutter and make a lot of choices about what could stay and what had to go. The choices looked hard to do, and there seemed to be a lot of work goin' through ever'thin' so as to separate the wheat from the chaff, or something similar. I did like that crusher thing they had, though, where they chunked in ever'thin' that no one was interested in at the flea market/garage sale event. It looked like a clutter shredder and they chunked in an old computer and monitor and stuff like that. I was jes' imaginin' all the great things you might be able to produce from the finished pulp in the bottom of that crusher. With a bit of super-glue and some molds, you could create bricks and build a house from them.

My mind is continually tryin' to think of new ways to make building materials out of garbage. For some reason, such seems to be a logical use for such. It ain't like we are gonna have available space to load up with trash forever and ever. Ever' time I look, I find that packagin' becomes a bigger and bigger problem as we individualize more and more items, as well as findin' a way to throw away all those obsolete or inoperative products in our disposable, throw-away society. Wow, all that weighty thinkin' done plumb wore me out. I think I am gonna go to bed.

My navel has nothin' to add to the discussion, as usual. End of report.

*Any visions suggested by the title are the responsibility of the visionary and are in now way the fault of the author hereof.

Oct. 24 & Oct. 31, 2004

First of all, let me apologize for the lack of a review of last week's strip. If you 'member, I was still tryin' to recover from a long bout with the flu, virus, or whatever it was that had kept me down for almos' a whole week. I had actually arranged for a guest reviewer of such strip in my absence, none other than Bill the Cat himself. He did prepare his review, but I was unaware that he was not yet Internet savvy and had no clue as how to publish. No wonder he gave me a blank-eyed stare when I provided him with a user name and password. Still, when I finally did notice the lack of any review for last week, I contacted Bill, who, orally, provided his review enthusiastically to me over such telephone line. In his own words, the best thing that could be said about last week's strip is "Thfffppptt!" I had a look at the strip myself and really have nothin' to add to that.

As for this day's offerin', I ain't too sure that I shouldn't have had Bill do the review for it as well. It seems poor li'l Opus is a bit insecure about the outcome of this election and has spared no expense in an attempt of find some degree of comfort.

Despite their best efforts otherwise

The Cowboys won! The Cowboys won! Yea!!!!!!!!

It was a cheeseburger Saturday night, sans the cheese

Yep, didn't do much today 'cept sleep. I ain't been sleepin' too well, of late, for whatever reason, so when I was at the dollar store the other day, I purchased a box of the generic nighttime analgesic tablets. I been gettin' some numbness in my left leg late at night, so the analgesic assists in suppressin' such and whatever it is they put in there to assist ya in goin' to sleep, it works well on me. I went to sleep last night and slept through until late this mornin'.

I spent most of the day readin' blogs, though there was very little to see, and watchin' some ol' movies on TV. They had the Halloween event goin' on around the square this evenin', but I decided to skip it for this year. My mood has been strange here lately, and the closer it gets to the 'lection, the stranger life 'round me seems to get. I will be so glad when the polls close on Tuesday night and the vote count is posted. One good thing about living in such a small town/county area, who won the seats is usually know within a hour or two after the polls close. Last I heard, there were 1800 who have already voted early, so it looks like there is gonna be a big turnout this year.

My navel was hardly involved in my life at all today, remainin' mostly hidden from sight. I 'spose if I had tried hard to look for such, I would have not had that hard of a problem to do so, but I really had no interest in it durin' the day. Seemed like that was the best for us both. End of report.

Chicken Soup for the soup deprived

Come on, ya'll, throw me a cracker here!* One'll do, though. My navel will jes' have to settle for the crumbs. On the other hand, won't the crumbs jes' settle in my navel? End of report.

*In other words, what part of last night's report was not understandable?

Who is he endorsin'?

Wonkette baffled by bin Laden.

"not in the hands of Kerry or Bush"

Accordin' to CNN, Al Jazeera has jes' released a video message from Osama bin Laden*:

Osama bin Laden delivered a new videotaped message in which he told Americans their security does not depend on the president they elect, but on U.S. policy. "Your security is not in the hands of Kerry or Bush or al Qaeda," bin Laden said in the video aired on the Arabic language network Al-Jazeera. CNN story

[Addendum: Upon checkin' to see how fast this story was spreadin', I saw Meagan McArdle, bloggin' in Glenn Reynold's stead over on InstaPundit pointed out this paragraph from the Reuters story:

"It never occurred to us that the commander in chief of the country (Bush) would leave 50,000 citizens in the two towers to face those horrors alone ... because he thought listening to a child discussing her goats was more important," bin Laden said, referring to Bush's visit to a school when the attack occurred.

Now, I dunno, but the attorney in me tells me the only logical inference that can be made from this statement is that bin Laden thought that Bush was gonna be inside of the twin towers on 9/11. Otherwise, he is a bit off his gourd. O' course, that was Meagan's thought entirely. Also, one would think that a man who leads a militant group of desert goat-herders would have a bit more 'preciation for a man who takes time out to listen to a good goat story, wouldn't ya?]

Bush blogger strikes back

Accordin' to some guy in a remote location,* the person behind the mask in the tape promisin' a new terror attack on the US is none other than ABC news anchor, Peter Jennin's.

*Iowa is a pretty remote location, ain't it?

A wee bit of the Kerry campaign's big pile of crap crumbles

It 'pears that the mystery of the missin' Iraqi munitions has been solved with any blame bein' resolved. As the story blows another of the baseless claims of the Kerry camp out the door, this story broke on FOX. Thankfully so, 'cause knowin' the political leanin's of the other networks, this exoneration of the BUSH camp would likely have been shelved 'til after the 'lection.

Thanks to Stephen of PoliBlog for bringin' good things to light.

It's all in how you hold the big fat pencil

Frank J has whole-heartedly endorsed George W. Bush and did his very best to illustrate the reasons why.

Oct. 29, 2004

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local Indian Reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

It went that-a-way

My navel recommends that you jes' consider the previous post as tonight's report. I mos' heartily concur. The utter lack of meanin'ful interaction hereon quickly wears down my desire to produce a steady flow of material. What gives? Is it really as I fear, does my stuff go right over the top of most other people's heads? Is my prose absolutely incomprehensible to the masses? Do my readers stand slack-jawed in their dumbfounded stares at monitor screens full of letters and words in which they find no meanin'? Sheesh, ain't my curse a killer? End of report.

After you have read all of my fine posting' . . .

and amply posted enough comments to slather me with the affection I so sorely deserve* and follow it up with a cherry on top good helpin' of trackbacks to some of my fine posts, then I urge ya to go over to OTB and post your best caption to the displayed photo, but don't 'spect to get top prize, 'cause I already got that one sewed up. I am, for some reason, on top o' my game tonight.

*'specially for this single post in which I sniffed out a story usin' the investigative skills of Matt Drudge, OK, maybe not that keen, so make it Wonkette, and finished off with humor equal to that of James Lileks, or, at least, Frank J. Even if you think you have read it, ya better check again, 'cause some new information was added that I think is definitely top-o-the-line! I urge ever' visitor to have a look. Feel free to tell me here or there if you don't think, after perusal, that it is highly exceptional readin' material.

Heh!*

As if! I am puttin' my money on the alien conspiracy theory.

Found: here. Indeed! Go - there's more!

*Yeah, I know, my Glenn Reynolds impression really sucks. So, sue me! I know a good lawyer** if ya need one. Actually, Glenn can't do me, either. No one can!

**Ta be a bit more accurate, I think that in most people's minds, good lawyers are a lot like unicorns, pixies, and anyone connected with the John Kerry campaign capable of actually tellin' the truth,*** people go around claimin' they exist, but no one has come forward with any solid documentary evidence to actually prove it.

***See how I artfully placed another jab at Lurch in a post havin' nothin' to do with the current Presidential campaign. Who says I ain't no artful blogger.****

****I thought that last bit was a bit punny, didn't you? 'Course, I 'spose I must be the most unrecognized artful blogger in the blogosphere from the number of comments and trackbacks I have seen of late.

I have been a paltry fool and missin' somethin' right in my face

I done went on today 'bout why ya'll should vote for BUSH, even goin' so fas as to tell a really good whopper or was it 'bout why no one should vote for his opponent -- you know: the guy who hasn't taken off his mask and shown his real face since 'nouncin' his candidacy for President, and here I come to find that someone else discovered the very reason that all liberals, leftists, Democrats, hippies, peaceniks, commies, socialists, educators, union members, Hollywood idiots, the mainstream media, terrorists, tree huggers, feminazis, and you should vote for George W. Bush. Who made such discovery? The Patriette, of course. What did she uncover? Go find out for yourself -- but do so, 'cause it is worth the trip.

I know some of ya'll was 'spectin' it to be somethin' from Susie, right? Naw, she's too busy tryin' to find the right clothes to wear while officiatin' the media now that she has been officially appointed as Supreme Media Goddess. I understand she is currently seekin' somethin' really sexy in shiny black vinyl, appropriately adorned with chromed chains and studs, to go along with that spankin' new cat-o-nine-tails she won on Ebay. Back I say, Back, Back!

[Addendum: I am remiss in givin' Jim proper Kudos for havin' pointed out the way.]

More lies and deceit from the Pro-Kerry camp?

I jes' received the followin' email:

A week ago, we sent you an email asking for help debunking anti-Bush documents. After receiving hundreds of responses, it become clear that all the documents were actually real: the Bush/Cheney DUIs, the Ken Lay letters, and even the bin Laden memo. For more information visit the documents page:
http://www.yesbushcan.com/falsedocs.shtml

We also received hundreds of emails from concerned bloggers that eloquently expressed the problems with the Bush administration. And as we traveled across America campaigning for Bush, we learned more than we wanted to know about Bush's policies. We came to see that this administration is a catastrophe for most people.

As a result, we are abandoning our support of Bush and officially endorsing John Kerry for President. You can read more at the Yes Bush Can web site:
http://www.yesbushcan.com/
We deeply regret our misguided support and apologize for our previous email. This will be the last email we will send directly to bloggers. If you want to join us in supporting Kerry, you can find out more here:
http://www.yesbushcan.com/act.shtml

Thank you for your understanding,

Yes Bush Can

OK, initially they make the claim that they had recently sent an email to me regardin' some supposed false documents relatin' to people in the Bush administration. I never received such email and know so 'cause I would have been very interested in the subject matter of that supposed letter. This, therefore, is a blatant falsehood, in itself. Of course, I am sure they thought I was one of the mindless millions without a clue who likely believe ever'thin' they receive as the Gospel truth and do very little research, but they hit the wrong button this time. I decided first to run the URL though Internic Whois jes' to see who might be behind this mess. Well, all I found was

Domain Name: YESBUSHCAN.COM
Registrar: GANDI
Whois Server: whois.gandi.net
Referral URL: http://www.gandi.net
Name Server: NS7.GANDI.NET
Name Server: CUSTOM2.GANDI.NET
Status: ACTIVE
Updated Date: 14-aug-2004
Creation Date: 14-aug-2004
Expiration Date: 14-aug-2005

Not much here to see, 'cept that gandi.net is a French domain registry and makers one wonder why a good upstandin' patriotic American bunch would have eschewed the use of a bona fide American company to use as a registry agent, but more importantly, it shows this domain has only been in existence since August 14 of this year -- less than 2 months. Highly suspicious.

I really 'spect that some with greater IT search capabilities than myself will soon find that moveon.org is behind this subterfuge. We are all aware of which opportunist ketchup heiress bankrolls their operations, right?

More blatant BS rhetoric! Will the Kerry camp continually pull ever' lowbrow trick in the book in order to put a wholly unqualified man in office. OK, if we are allowed to say anythin' and ever'thin' that we think of to destroy the character of the opposin' candidate, I can here and now truthfully state that I am startin' to 'spect that Kerry is the pro-al Queda candidate, is personally already in bin Laden's pocket, and his first official act as President of the United States will be to hand the keys to the US to bin Laden and his militant Islamic cohorts. That is about enough to make a semi-anti-gun person such as myself wanna run out and buy myself a truckload of automatic weapons.

This jes' in! Fast breakin' anti-Kerry BS that I jes' this very moment thunk up. Osama bin Laden is suspected of hidin' in the basement of one of the numerous Kerry mansions and plans were revealed today that discussed the details of bin Laden's public surrender to Kerry, personally, some time tomorrow or Monday, which should close the door on his victory, and, as repayment, in his first act as President, he will give a full pardon to his good chum bin Laden and, afterward, the two of them will go off on a Cape Cod fishin' expedition aboard Kerry's yacht. Rumor has it that Teddy Kennedy negotiated the particulars and hopes to be rewarded by bein' pardoned for his involvement in the Chappaquiddick fiasco. Bill refused to do so 'cause Teddy wouldn't give him a Lewinsky under the table. Kerry disclosed, in a handwritten note found among the plans, that Teddy Kennedy was purposely off the invite for the weekend excursion as, even with all of Teresa's dough, it would be hard to afford all of the liquor that Teddy would consume over two days.

Close-mindedness about certain issues and the inability to see the truth

My friend John pointed to a post, statin':

If a person can say that they recommend the death penalty for two adults who aren't harming anyone, then we really need to consider what kind of moonbats there are attempting to run the country. - SilverBlue

Now I have a great understandin' of John's viewpoint and can understand why the guy bothers him. However, the man never said he recommended the death penalty in such a case.

Finberg was asked: "If there was a law that supported the execution of people found guilty of performing homosexual acts, would you support that law?"

After stating "Unfortunately, nearly 300,000 Americans have suffered the death penalty as a result of homosexual activity," Finberg answered, "Yes, if it were the law of the land. Yes." Scott-Daily Kos [emphasis: boldin' present in original text, italics supplied]

Scott, of course, as one could expect from anyone associated with the Daily Kos only made such mention so as throw suspicion upon said Finberg in an effort to assist in the election of his Democratic opponent. In fact, as is often the case in most of what one finds on The Daily Kos, Scott blatantly misstated the truth about those statements when he said:

In this video, Finberg actually says that he would support a law for the execution of people found guilty of performing homosexual acts. -Id [emphasis supplied]

He actually said no such thing. Scott linked the video, and, for the sake of utter truthfulness, I watched it to confirm he had also correctly transcribed the actual content thereof. As such, the statement made by Rev. Finberg was that if the law of the land mandated that people were to executed for the commission of homosexual acts, he would support such law. In essence, he simply said that he would support the law of the land. Although those who oppose him would urge that this is an outrageous viewpoint, for his to have answered otherwise would have been a statement that he, a candidate runnin' for office would not be willin' to follow the law of the land. From my view of the video, this whole scenario was a nicely laid trap by his detractors in an attempt to make his say somethin' other than what he said, and when he didn't make that statement, they are workin' hard to put the words in his mouth they had hoped he would say.

I am sorry, John, but first of all, this guy is an avowed fundamental Christian, and, as such, is likely gonna be anti-gay. I would expect you to neither support nor applaud anythin' he does. Thankfully, in accordance with the recent SCOTUS rulin', homosexual activity, in and of itself, is not illegal. I 'spect ol' Rev. Finberg, despite his abhorrence of homosexuality and disbelief that such is a true sexual preference will follow the law of the land that says ya can't arrest people for such acts, therefore, ya really can't execute them for it. John, ya are my friend, and like I say, I appreciate your viewpoint and ain't even against ya makin' a stand against this certain individual. Please, please, jes' don't follow the Kos truth-twistin' example and accuse the man of sayin' somethin' that he really didn't say.

OTBTJTB

Strange things are happenin' today

I should have suspected today was gonna be a very strange day 'cause of that moon thing last evenin' and the fact that I did not receive my horrorscope in my mornin' email, as usual. Well, it has been quite peculiar. I have had a couple of delightful visitors today. One was jes' an ol' time resident who reminded me I had some signs advertisin' some out-dated events still posted in my community event window. As I was the self-appointed bulletin board monitor who removed all outdated notices from the various places around campus and law school durin' my years in institutes of higher learnin', it was a bit embarrassin' to have someone catch me havin' committed such transgression myself.

The second visitor I have had this mornin' was Jenna Bush. No, not that Jenna Bush, but a young Jenna Bush currently seekin' employment in the local area. Regrettably, I currently am unable financially to offer any job openin's. I did get her contact information, however, and tol' her that if this book deal takes off, I definitely might be lookin' for someone to do a substantial bit of the typin' on the next installment of what I 'spect to be at least a trilogy. As for the status of that project, here is the acknowledgment of receipt I received from by recent manuscript submission:

Dear Mr. Russell,

Thank you for submitting your manuscript. I have forwarded it to our reviewers and we should be in touch in about three to four weeks. If you have any questions at all please feel free to contact me.

Regards,

David P. Braun
Author Relations Representative
Dorrance Publishing Co.

I did, of course, advise them that my friend and illustrator had not quite completed the illustrations for such work and that I expected to have 5 to 10 of such before the eventual publication took place.

Anyway, to get back to the most interestin' part of my conversation with Jenna Bush . . . when I was remarkin' how she ought to jes' go 'round introducin' herself as Jenna Bush, but not that Jenna Bush, she tol' me a story 'bout her cousin, who supposedly bears a remarkable resemblance to the real Jenna Bush's sister, Barbara, who also supposedly happened to be at the DFW International Airport at the same time as the Bush twins, and was involved in an incident involvin' the Secret Service who mistook said young lady for Dubya's daughter. O' course, maybe such incident was only interestin' to me.

For those of you who have yet to decide

OK, OK, I know there are many of ya'll who are yet undecided about whether to vote for Kerry or Bush. I also know that the biggest point of the Kerry campaign rhetoric has to do with the war and whether it was justified. First of all, I 'spect ever' one of ya'll was as shocked as I was followin' the Sept. 11 attack and dismayed as to the proper response our country should make. Well, let me tell ya what George Bush did. He took the fight those responsible and those who back and support such people to their own back yard. The insurgents we are continually hear about causin' all the distress and dismay to our troops in Iraq are not Iraqi citizens, but are the same people who would be recruited to perform terrorist acts on US soil if they were not elsewhere occupied in the grand battle for the greater good of Allah and the Islamic faith. John Kerry is a great war protester, but is a war protester the kind of person we want headin' our troops in the midst of havin' to defend our country durin' a massive jihad movement? I think not! Vote for Bush to ensure the security of our country, because I fear the renewal of terrorist attacks within our own borders if we elect Kerry and begin to reduce our presence in their neighborhood, allowin' them to divert their attention from their own homes and families to thinkin' of ways to destroy our homes and families. Moonbat "Bush lied" BS rhetoric aside, I, for one, do not want to see another attack on the scale of 9/11. With Kerry in office, I fear such will only come to pass.

[Addendum: I have jes' discovered that even the younger generations understand what I am talkin' 'bout:

2. He [John Kerry] said he will make the war go away and that is not true because if he tries to make the war go away then the terrorists will come right back here and start doing stuff again and then we won't have a war in iraq we will have war in the united states and i do not want a war here do you????? - Missy*

End of Addendum.]

PS. While we are talking 'bout the younger generation, the supposed youngest blogger to ever do so is hosting this week's COTV. Go check it out!

*I do understand that there are a whole bunch of heavily armed people with the necessary IT skills to track down anyone having the gall to act inappropriately when visitin' Missy's blog. Jes' was givin' some of you yahoos a forewarnin' to mind your P's & Q's if ya go a' visitin'.

It was jes' a munu kinda day!

It seems the munu server was a bit up and down today, kinda like my day, as well. I am gonna put the whole blame on that funky lookin' dust-covered moon hangin' over heads this evenin'.

My navel seemed to have no interest in what is happenin' to the moon tonight. I was almos' sure it was enjoyin' catchin' those moonbeams last time I took a moonlight walk down the beach. I guess it jes' has a very site-specific fandom when it comes to the moon. End of report.

A Video Daily Double

In the category "Texas Republicans":

My navel was a no show at this event, which in my opinion, was jes' as well.. As for what you can see, I am pretty sure it is a combination of the lightin' and the way my pants were hangin'. End of report.

How many ideas are in a brain?

And if you run out, where do you go to buy more? If you have too many, is there a place you can sell a few off? Oh wait, we are talkin' 'bout the employment market, aren't we? Of course, if we were talkin' falsehoods, instead of novel ideas, we would need to go no farther to find an expert than the Kerry camp. There are those who believe said Mr. Kerry would say whatever, be it truth or hearsay, to win this election. One wonders what kind of lies he tells to win the trust of rich women? I mean, surely they ain't marryin' him because of his uncanny resemblance to the Democratic symbol, the ol'` mule-faced enemy collaborator. Yeah, jes' the kind of fellow we need for a Commander-in-Chief. NOT!

This message has been approved and fully-paid for by my navel. End of report.

An important official announcement

No, it ain't the reason why I missed the previous report that is the subject of this most important announcement. In fact, the nature of the reasons why I failed to post the previous report are beyond my current comprehension, so cannot yet be discussed in any forum. Let it be said that mysterious things seem to be afoot.

Nope, the big announcement is this! I have finally fully completed my manuscript. I recently completed the full and thorough hand editin' of the story, and over these past two days have implemented all such changes, plus a few other things I noticed as I ran through the computer file makin' such suggested changes, and, unless some other party makes any further suggestions, my efforts in composition of this almost 77000 word sci-fi/fantasy, action/adventure story are complete. If there be any among my regular readership who would love a prepublication opportunity to view the completed manuscript, feel free to drop me a line. Every one of you who have previously assisted me in the development of this story by reading earlier versions of this work are welcome to again review the final version.

My navel is severely disturbed in response to a uncommonly severe bout of gastric distress that has plague me dating back to last evening is currently fearful of a continuation to the scenario. I am in support of my navel in hopes that such soon subsides and never recurs. End of report.

A delightful trip to a predictable end

Gotta inbox full of a bunch of things that my favorite Aunt 'Net jes' forwarded. I found this one especially worthy of consideration! A further wee bit of insight with regard to my thoughts 'bout such can be found via a thorough examination into the titlin' of this post, as well ;)

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET !!"

It must get better soon, doncha think?

Wow, there are two hotly contested Congressional races goin' on in our local area and the hype goin' on is more vicious than anythin' I have seen flyin' in between the Presidential candidates. I 'spect mos' of ya'll know what I am talkin' 'bout, right? I swear that I have not seen nastier political campaigns in any prior election durin' my lifetime, though I will let ya know, I wasn't really payin' much attention to such prior to 1968. I 'spect ol' LBJ, bless his soul, played a lot of dirty tricks in his time.

Funny thing, I thought I was over the flu, yesterday, and still think I am, but I am still very congested and fatigued. I got plenty of fluids and bed rest today and will do so over the next two days, as well. You'd think after sleepin' almos' all day, I would be wide awake and rarin' to go right now, but such ain't the truth. I am yawnin' my head off and thinkin' it is time to go lay back down ag'in. Still, I do want to be careful not to develop bedsores. I assigned my navel to be on the lookout for any evidence of such. End of report.

You call it: Which is worse?

Oct. 22, 2004

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

It ain't much, ya can be sure

Well, first of all, I ain't worried 'bout who is gonna win the World Series now as I am sure it ain't gonna be the damned Yankees! WoooHooo!

Secondly, the site was down all day, as was all of the Munuvian universe, but our benefactor Pixy is not to blame. It was some mindless techs in a remote location off the coast of Madagascar who are at fault.

Thirdly, I am tired, have a headache, and my navel is fine. I do, however, think I might finally be over the flu. For those of ya'll (that bein' mainly Susie) who are sometimes concerned with the number of headaches I seem to get, what with the sinus headaches from my mold allergy, the occasional migraines that come here and there, and the occasional tension headaches that usually come from staring at somethin' without movin' my head for long periods of time so that the muscles in my neck begin to cramp. I am almos' sure this is one of the latter variety caused by my continual starin' at those typed manuscript pages over the last six or so hours and will soon be abated by a handful of choice analgesics. End of report.

Go BoSox!

Sorry, but I really jes' can't stand the best team that money can buy.

Still ill

The flu that wouldn't go away hasn't. Thankfully some of the noxious comment spammers have done so. I 'spose it is the fault of mt-blacklist. End of latest and possibly earliest report ever, as this is designed to serve last night and tonight both.

When ya put it that way . . .

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was for redistribution of all wealth. She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, which she expressed openly. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, as well as that occasional chat with a professor, she felt that, for years, her father had obviously harbored an evil, even selfish, desire to keep what he thought should be his. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.

He stopped her and asked her point blank, how she was doing in school.

She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain. She told him how she studied all of the time, never had time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have very many college friends because of spending all of her time studying. She also reminded him that she was taking a more difficult curriculum than most.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your good friend Mary doing?"She replied, "Mary is barely getting by."

She continued, "She barely has a 2.0 GPA," adding, "and all she takes are easy classes and she never studies. But Mary is so very popular on campus, college for her is a blast, she goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn't even show up for classes because she is too hung over."

Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0." He continued, "That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter visibly shocked by her father's suggestion angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without and Mary has done little or nothing, she played while I worked really hard!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

*I found this gem buried deep in my inbox, but, as unusual as it might seem, this one ain't from my favorite Aunt 'Net. It was sent by the Prez of our local Repub Club.

OTBTJTB

It ain't over whether the fat lady sings or not

Nope, Kate Smith could be bellowin' God Bless America from way on high, but 'til my nose stops runnin' and I quit painfully coughin' up nasty stuff, whatever it is that I have contracted from who know where or why ain't finished with ravishin' my body. My navel feels clammy, as well. End of report.*

*Those of ya'll that keep track of such stuff, the reason this one did not come last night is because I was so drugged up with Nyquil by 7:00 pm that I was already in bed, and the reason it was not posted earlier today was because, as I tol' ya yesterday, I had somethin' that had to be done today, job-wise, that I really could not get postponed without causin' a lot of other people, here and there, a lot more trouble, I jes' went, stayed as far away from ever'one as possible and advised ever'one why I thought it might be a bad idea to shake their hand. Even though there was a slim chance that I might still be contagious, ever'one seemed happy that I did show up as planned, despite bein' sick. As I was doin' my best to get myself out of the house to attend such event, despite how terrible I felt then, I had no time to post the report earlier. Now, despite the fact that I feel worse that I did earlier, I, at least, have time to let ya know how things are goin.**

**For ya'll people that keep track of more inane stuff, this is likely the first post I ever did where the first footnote was longer than the whole post above. Excuse me, but I jes' sneezed all over the screen showin' this post to be published, so it is likely contagious. Spray your screen with Lysol, stat!

What rhymes with glue and you wish to avoid?

Yes, I know this is late, but I have a very good excuse. I awoke yesterday with symptoms of a severe upper respiratory infection.* You know, when you cough a lot and find each cough is painful. Then I started runnin' a low grade fever, my head began to hurt, and, soon, I decided, I must be comin' down with the flu or somethin'. I had about a half a bottle of generic Nyquil and started megadosin' about 3:00 yesterday, jes' as the Cowboys game started. I fell asleep sometime 'bout halftime, but ya don't have to tell me the score. I already know the result. Anyway, I jes' got back from the store with another full bottle of generic Nyquil and have slugged down another big mouthful and 'spect I will be goin' back to bed really soon. I might be the first in my local town to come down with the flu this year. I ain't sure that is a badge of honor, but I am hopeful I won't be get the honor of bein' the first one to die from contractin' it.

I have somethin' very important to do tomorrow, so I am gonna continue the megadosin' all day today so that by tomorrow, I will hopefully be well enough to do what I have to do. Also, I am hopeful I will also be no longer contagious. That is the main reason I am hangin' 'round the house today, as I feel it is my responsibility to avoid bein' in public as much as possible.

My navel seems to be affected, as well. I ain't heard it cough at all, but it seemed a bit warm last time I checked. End of report.

*This is actually the first time I had URI since I have quit smokin'. Nine months, two weeks, three days, 9 hours, 48 minutes and 53 seconds has elapsed since I last took a puff off of a nasty cigarette and that now means 10199 cigarettes not smoked, allowin' me to save $2,039.57 in cash as well as possibly extendin' my life an additional 5 weeks, 9 hours, 55 minutes.

Oct. 17, 2004

It 'pears that there was a bit of a SNAFU at the dispatch office and somehow Opus' anxieties showed up in Dubya's closet while Dubya's anxieties ended up in Opus' closet. I am strangely at peace with that! That, of course, means that I really liked this one.

^sarcasmMy jaw is agape in amazement!^/sarcasm

Shockingly The New York Times endorses John Kerry for President. - Kevin Aylward.

Once one considers the paltry evidence upon which such endorsement is based, is it really any wonder why such paper is so oft referred to as a liberal rag?

I was there . . . I really was!

Well, after playin' a part in the play about a shotgun weddin' jes' last weekend, I found myself attendin' a friend's weddin' today. It made me think a bit about how I feel about weddin's and such. I 'spose I feel like most other men in that there is too much pomp and ceremony involved in such events. To my way of thinkin', it is the commitment made and not the actual activity involved with the public presentation of such. O' course, it takes two to have a weddin' and o' course, the other person involved, from what I have seen in the past, usually has a completely different opinion. I figger that if they want it all to be a certain way, no problem, jes' tell me when and where I am 'spose to show up. . . . oh, and if there are certain clothes you 'spect me to wear, be sure to set them on my bed and I will do my very best to make myself presentable. O' course, if ya really wanna play it safe, you might wanna make sure you set them up in the right order, or I might show up wearin' my BVDs outside of my trousers. I fully 'spect my mind to be filled with a lot of confusin' thoughts like ever'one else does on their weddin' day!

My navel pouted all day 'cause no one but comment spammers had a thin' to say 'bout anythin' today. I myself jes' figgered that it bein' Saturday, it was actually purty lucky that anyone at all came 'round today. End of report.

Jes' how high will it bounce?

If you threw your navel off the top of a really really tall buildin', would you hear the wind whistle through it on the way down? Would you care? If so, I doubt it would bother you for long. End of report.

[ADDENDUM: Lest this be the lamest report ever, I suppose now would be as good a time as ever to mention how unreal I think some of the reality shows are gettin'. On one show, they are recontructin' people's houses while they are away at Disney World and on a'nother they be swappin' mothers between two different households, and in another really lame attempt at supposed reality entertainment, they showed us how a bunch of Amish kids reacted when they were introduced to modern city life. What is next for reality shows: a show where they make over a pig into a horse and a chicken over into a cow?* --- Now didn't that make this post more worthy of your consideration?]

*I'll admit right now that if somethin' along the lines of "Tonight on Changin' Critters, our team of cosmetic surgeons will remake a gnat over into an elephant . . ." reached my ears, I might likely have an urge to peek in on the program.

The boys leadin' the charge like the current man in charge

In accordance with several polls and studies, it appears to me that if you are really an avid supporter of our troops in the field, you jes' have to vote in support of keepin' our current Commander in Chief in office.

Oct. 15, 2004

Schwartz and Feldman, partners in the garment industry, had just suffered through their worst season ever. Eight thousand madras sports coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming closer each day.

Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there," he began, "you boys wouldn't happen to have any madras sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them everywhere."

Schwartz said there MIGHT be a few left, and soon a deal was made whereby the eight thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.

"There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer. "For an order this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday, the deal goes through as planned."

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously waiting to see if the Australian would change his mind. Friday morning went by without incident. Schwartz and Feldman were closing up shop when, at five minutes to five, there was a knock on the door: "Telegram!"

The partners froze. Trembling, Feldman grabbed the telegram and opened it. Suddenly, his face lit up. "Schwartz, GREAT NEWS! Your brother died!"

That guy Ralph, or now we know*

I awoke with an urgent need to . . . well, let us jes' say I was really nauseous. I seem to have contracted that strange stomach virus that seems to be goin' 'round in our local area. I had court this mornin' in the neighborin' burg and thankfully had one more swallow in that bottle of anti-nausea medication, which I quickly downed. I only had one case on the docket and easily got an agreement to pass it, so a few minutes after the judge took the bench, I was back on my way out the door. It took me longer to make the round-trip drive than I spent in court and I was soon back home, and was soon curled back up in a fetal position and warmly buried up under a good layer of goose down. I jes' slept fitfully for most of the day, awakenin' here and there and tryin' to eat somethin' pretty bland. The cycle seems to be comin' to an end, at last, ya know what that means . . . I am hungry enough to eat a whole large box of Sugar Frosted Flakes^®.**

My navel was a reluctant volunteer in today's activities, findin' itself as the exact point at which the belly should be pressed against that white porcelain on several necessary opportunities. End of report.

*Was my early evenin' exhaustion I referred to in the previous report a portend of what I was in for today?

**Cousin Tony said I owed him a product mention for havin' flagrantly misused his famous line in one of my earlier reports.

Where did that fit of exhaustion come from?

Well, again, I found myself gettin' too weary too early last eve' and ag'in neglected to post the obligatory report. I caught Smallville and missed the debate. As you can see, despite my utter weariness, I still have my priorities in the right order. I 'spect the verbiage that was slung 'round by the Presidential candidates in last night's televised mud-slingin' event will be much more interestin' when properly fisked. I guess all that remains is to find a proper fiskin' of such out there some place. I would ask my navel for a bit of assistance in findin' it, but said navel has effected and thoroughly sedentary pose. I 'spect it is physically incapable of be of any help of any kind in such endeavor. End of late report.

Accolades found in the Inbox

Hello to the cast!

Just finally getting a breath, and I wanted to tell each of you how proud I was of you guys. You did such an outstanding job and the crowd loved it. I know you all probably could not hear all the applause and laughter, but the response was sooo good! You all were great! I have heard so many great comments and good things. As near as we can tell without the final count, we made about $4,000. That is tremendous. It will go far in helping the efforts of the genealogy society in reaching their goal of getting the newspapers on film.

One request, we need to have the props, hair, wig heads, jewelry, hats, clothes back by the end of the week if possible. The wig heads belong to Hill College and they are needing them. Also, Kenneth Black has a black tuxedo somewhere?? I do not know who used it and we could not figure out who wore one?? If you can't make it to the center just call and we will make arrangements to have any items picked up.

We are in the process of getting copies of all the pictures that some of the members/friends took. If you have someone in your family who took pictures maybe they could share with the center also. When the ones we have are available we will get a copy to everyone. Especially one of each of you. You may want to include it in your "portfolio"!

Thanks to you. I loved working with you and enjoyed the comaradie, jokes, laughs, and just plain fun we all had. We had lots of KODAK moments and made lots of memories. You are a great bunch of men. We thank you and we salute you for your hard work.

You will go down in the History of Somervell County as the best wedding party of the 21st century!

Joan Echols Taylor
Paluxy Valley Archives & Genealogy Society

Oh, the silence is eerie

OK, ain't like I been waitin' 'round here checkin' up all the much, what with a lot of 'portant things 'circlin' 'round me in real life, but it 'pears ain't no one got nuthin' to say. Guess they are all too busy listenin' to all the rhetoric floatin' 'round. Ya really jes' cannot shake it. As we continue to move closer and closer to this election, people seem to be growin' closer and closer to swappin' blows or havin' a blood vessels inside their head explode from all the pent up stress. I wonder . . . what 'zactly is the worse that could happen? Either way, the country is likely to survive. Our political system almost ensures such a result. Ever' four years, the gloves come out and the sides start throwin' punches, warnin' jes' how bad off we will all be if the other guy wins the office. So far, no matter who has won, the way it actually turned out was never as bad as forecast.

It really seems that on ever' level of the income ladder I have been on so far in my life, I have always found some way to get by. When I have found myself responsible for others, I have found a way to make sure they always got what they needed. One facet of life worthy of havin' is the ability to survive. I have found I do pretty well in that department. One other facet of life worthy of havin' is happiness. I ain't done so well with findin' much of that, so far. There's time, I tell myself. O' course, I see more sand on the bottom part of the hourglass than is left in the top. Tick-tock-tick-tock. Who actually is in the White House never really affects either of these facets in my life.

My navel had intended to introduce a belly dancer durin' this part of the show, but due to an unknown problem or some sort or 'nother, the guest was unable to appear. End of report.

That deal about the cat bein' away . . .

Well, I was a bit busy today and jes' now got a chance to check to see if anyone had anythin' to say about any of the stuff I put up for perusal here of late. I actually did get a slew of comments from some, I suppose, li'l twerp who seemed to be havin' a fine ol' time havin' a conversation with himself in the comment portion of one of my older posts. I am of the belief that said li'l twerp is unaware that I could easily determine that the computer IP# on every comment, despite the change of name and email address, was identical. I know a lot more about my mischievous li'l visitor -- see the extended entry. Usin' MT-Blacklist, it was fairly easy to delete them all, as well. I love comments, as long as they are relevant and on topic. If you are a troll or feel this is a proper forum to engage in a solely personal attack upon myself or any other person or otherwise find it necessary to abuse the comment function as it relates to this blog, realize that your comments will likely be deleted as soon as discovered.

Oh, and Leonor and Mikkel, I did not delete your comments but also did not find enough information with regard to your requests to feel comfortable in sending you invites to get a gmail account. Primarily, my offer is for fellow bloggers. Mikkel's site appeared to be a commercial site and Leonor did not provide a URL, only a hotmail address. Both arrived on my blog in response to a Google search seekin' to get a gmail account. I almost gotta be assured a person is not a spammer for me to part with one of my invites. Jes' so's ya know!

VISITOR ANALYSIS
Referring Link http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=read my lips%2Bcomedy&hl=en&lr=&start=20&sa=N
Host Name folders.rugbyschool.net
IP Address 194.238.169.2
Country United Kingdom
Region England
City London
ISP Rugby School
Returning Visits 0
VISITOR SYSTEM SPECS
Browser MSIE 6.0
Operating System Windows XP
Resolution 1024x768
Javscript Enabled

I am so bored with the rhetoric

Seriously. I 'spose there are a bunch of undecideds who still gotta be drawn toward X'g this box or the other, but I already made up my mind. I am purty sure I announced my intentions some time back, but surely ain't none of ya'll seriously thinkin' I am leanin' the other way, are ya? What ya can be sure of is that I ain't spendin' much time listenin' to various politicos tellin' us how stupid the other guy is. I am 'spectin' Armageddon to come around much sooner than I 'spect civility to return to political discussions. Read My Lips! I ain't listenin'!

I wanna think thank all of ya'll that strolled over from Outside The Beltway to read that post of mine which James thought was worthy of pointin' out. Twenty-somethin' readers of what I myself thought was very noteworthy and, yet, not one single comment with regard to such was left behind. I can only surmise that the pure profoundness each derived from my ingenious prose overloaded their sensory relays and left them unable to physically operate the keyboard. Actually, it was my navel, the ultimate optimist, that is responsible for the previously pronounced proposition, whereas I simply prepared the proper prose. Personally, I propose it only serves to prove said post's premise. Sorry 'bout spewin' ya. End of report.

[ADDENDUM: I caught this over on DenitaTwoDragon's and the results were way too tellin' not to pass along:

This is why they need a none of the above box

[A]necdotally, the word is out that many black die-hard Democrats—especially the Christian ones—won’t be voting this year. I’m acquainted with several of them. They can’t bring themselves to vote for President Bush, but Senator Kerry’s flips and flops give many of them the willies. A direct quote from my great aunt: “A man at church said that he’d never vote for a Republican, but this John Kerry was too ‘crazy’ to vote for.” (Yellow-dog Democrat great-aunt has decided that she won’t vote either.) - baldilocks

Bah Kryptonite!

Sadly, it seems that Superman has perished. Vaya con Dios, Chris! Your own personal courage was an inspiration to all who attempt to overcome those regrettable hardships that befall them. You truly were a super man!

Somewhere left or right of normal

Are you normal? Is anyone? Who decides? Why? I like bein' one of a kind. I gave up wantin' ever'one to think like I do a long time ago. I quickly found that a great too many were simply unable to keep up. I guess that makes me abnormal. Is that bad?

My navel approves the above message. End of report.

Oct. 10, 2004

Today's message seemed to simply be that no matter how far you go to escape all the current inane political messages related to this election, it seems there are some unwanted messages that you jes' cannot escape. Opus still has a lot to learn.

It was really such a Hoot, Nanny!

Well, again I am late late late with a very important report. Well, actually, I 'spose there ain't nuthin' really all that 'portant 'bout any of these inane reports, less'n you be one of the few who depend on such for a daily chuckle or somethin'.

Anyway, to get back to the 'portant business at hand, yesterday was the presentation of the charitable Womanless Weddin' play myself and twenty-plus men from our local community have been spendin' some of our free time rehearsin'. Accordin' to the remarks made by those who hung around to let us know what they thought, they loved it, many sayin' their guts were hurtin' from all the laughin' they could not hold back, and I got a lot of compliments for how well I did in my role. Regrettably, my role was one of the few parts which did not require the male actor to dress up like a woman. It seems that seein' some of the prominent citizens with their faces smeared up with makeup and their bodies shoved into some dress with some paddin' put here and there to finish the effect, along with some fancy shoes and, occasionally, a matchin' purse, and lest we forget, some colorful fancy hats atop the wigs on their heads. A great time was had by all, includin' all of us in the cast.

My time, however, was dampened jes' a bit by the migraine headache that decided to hit me as I was sittin' in the wings awaitin' my cue to come on stage. My head was poundin' by the time I dragged my props onto the stage and started my lines, but what could I do other than to do my very best to give the best performance I was capable of givin'. Accordin' to some of the gals who assisted us durin' rehearsals, my live performance was better than I had given in any of the rehearsals. Once I saw the big crowd who paid big money to see all of us make big fools of ourselves for their entertainment, my inner clown took over and allowed me to shine! I have had experience similar occurrences durin' my legal career, as well, when I have found myself similarly affected at sometime durin' a trial and was additionally able to remain fully functional, despite the pain. Accordin' to what I heard afterward, not a single patron noticed the deep furrow visible on my brow as I suppressed the pulsin' pain in my head while deliverin' my lines and movin' here and there on stage, correctly hittin' my marks. I am almos' sure I deserve an Obie Award for Best Supporting Actor or somethin', but jes' hearin' all the laughs comin' from the audience satisfies me as bein' a sufficient award. I understand the charity made a couple of thousand dollars, as well, so the whole event was a huge success.

Bein' the adulation addict* I am, migraine headache or not, there was no way I could leave the theater until the throng of patrons had fully departed. I mean, I hardly noticed the headache when someone told me how well they thought I had done. Although I had a ton of fun, I was glad to get home and shove a handful of analgesics in my mouth. I thought 'bout postin' this report a'fore I went to bed, but figured ya'll would be forgivin' once you understood the circumstances. Thankfully, with the megadosin' of analgesics, the headache subsided sufficiently for me to fall asleep without delay. Regrettably, vestiges of it remained upon my awakenin' this mornin'. I guess it is time to bust out the BC Powders.

My navel had absolutely no part in the Womanless Weddin' production and was displeased to have been left out. I was not.** End of report.

*That is another way of remindin' ya'll that I am highly appreciative of most of your comments, as well.

**I suppose you can read that a few different ways. Feel free to do so, if it serves to bring you a chuckle of some sort.

'Tain't nuthin'

Really. Can't think of a thing to say! That don't happen often to me. My navel, however, never seems to have a thing to say. End of report.

A figurative slap in the face if I ever saw one

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables. He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Queen and Tim Horton's. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one, too...with sprinkles." And lo and behold they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: " It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery. Satan chuckled and created HMO's.

I served in Vietnam (four months)

JOB APPLICATION:

NAME: John Kerry

RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including one in Washington DC, worth multi-millions.

EXPERIENCE: Law Enforcement. In my career as a U.S. Senator, I've voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA, and Defense bill. I ordered the city of Boston to remove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire. I served in Vietnam... (four months).

MILITARY: I served in Vietnam (four months). I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I served in Vietnam (four months). I then returned to the U.S., joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I served in Vietnam (four months). I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book "Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier", shows how I truly feel about the military. I served in Vietnam (four months).

COLLEGE:I graduated from Yale University with a low 'C' average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE: After College and Vietnam, I ran for the U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no 'real' world experience except marrying very rich women and running their companies vicariously through them. I served in Vietnam (four months).

ACCOMPLISHMENTS: As a U.S. Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against their budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself.

Although I voted 'for' the Iraqi War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that 'I voted for it'. I voted 'for' every liberal piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to 'raise taxes' significantly if I am elected. I served in Vietnam (four months).

My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make little or no charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in Massachusetts, despite family wealth in excess of $ 700 million. I served in Vietnam (four months).

I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) 'outside' the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although I blame George Bush for sending all of the other jobs out of Country.

Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES: None. However, I served in Vietnam (four months).

PERSONAL: I practice my Catholic faith whenever cameras are present. I ride a Serotta Bike. I love to ski/snowboard. I call my Gulfstream V Jet the "Flying Squirrel". I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scarmouche".

I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.

I own several "Large" SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large, polluting, inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for our energy problems. I served in Vietnam (four months).

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.

OTB TJ

Oct. 8, 2004

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

You could tell he didn't have his best stuff tonight

I wanna thank James at OTB for makin' me one of the stars on tonight's marquee. From the latest count, that mention nicely garnered me 20 visitors by latest count. Hopefully they read the blurb, liked what they saw and will come back often for more zany, unpredictable snarky inaniac stuff on a daily basis.

Jes' returned home from local county Repub Club get-together and it was a fine gatherin' of people, gladhandin' and passin' stuff around, much like groups of bloggers do all the time. The biggest push from almost all speakers was to assist our local Republican Congressional candidate in beatin' the popular Democratic incumbent. We were warned to explain to ever'one he talks a good conservative story while campaignin' but votes with the liberals the majority of time while in Congress. I liked the guy who said votin' for the Democratic Congressional candidate while votin' for Bush was like votin' against Bush. Heavy and heady stuff, politics.

I am zombied to the max from the double whammy of antihistamines I took so as to rid myself of the headache I mentioned in my previous post. Although I know that I will not be able to fall asleep, they do make me drowsy, urgin' me to go to bed and close my eyes. At least that is restful. I cannot think of a good reason why I shouldn't, therefore I shall. Navel failed to timely object, so I move we close this post. End of report.

Sing along with me here -- If I had a headache . . .

It hit me right behind the eyeballs. I blame it on the weather and the mold allergy with which I am afflicted. I think I tol' ya'll bought that crazy side effect I get when I take antihistamines, right? The thing where I am unable to fall asleep durin' the night? I got too much planned over the next several days -- I don't need to be groggy. Rain, rain, come and stay, come and wash mold spores away. Arrrrrrrgh! See what it made me do? _{walk like an Egyptian talk like a pirate}If there was ever a time when I wanted to lay down with a cold rag across my forehead!

Somethin' was broke!

I was havin' pullin' my hair wonderin' why I could not download this page and finally rebooted the 'puter. I still ain't thinkin' that was the cause of the snag, however, 'cause I note that SiteMeter shows a 4 hour period with no visitation -- durin' the peak daily visitation period. StatCounter also shows a lower than normal visitation count than I would normally 'spect this day. It could be that a Presidential Debate was bein' broadcast durin' the peak of the day, ever' one in the whole world decided to avoid me - all of a sudden, or a major break occurred somewhere along the Internet backbone.

So, for any o' ya'll that tried to come but got caught in the of a Information Superhighway traffic jam, my apologies. I am sure it was a dreadful time.

Some things jes' have to be said and others you must jes' ignore

I wanted to link to somethin' I saw on this blog, but without permalinks, it's hard to tell ya where to find the part I wanted to reference, _{if ya know what I mean}.

Comin' back from a DP refill, I had a good line pop into my head: The only death I am concerned with is my own. I just hope it occurs at the designated time. I am postin' it here so as to affirm my copyright to use that somewhere in one of my upcomin' sequels.

Peculiar day again. They seem to be linin' up in a queue, of sorts, passin' by one at a time. I could blame it on the weather. Actually, I am quite sure 'tis the weather. What else could it be? So, is curdle a meme yet? I didn't think so.

Chloe angst: Lana is finally out of the way and her own cousin Lois showed up to capture Clark's eye. For me, this is a must-see series.

Was at Wallyworld yesterday for some essentials, and to cast my line in the midst of the cheap DVDs in hopes of snaggin' some good bargains, and there are some to be had. Ever' once in awhile I have snagged a whopper, like the Chaplin/Keaton set with four fabulous movies from the silent era. I am tellin' ya, it is grand to see the early masters of comedy. There is also a set of Chaplin shorts to be found in the mix or was, but it was one I should have jes' thrown back. I don't know diddly for fishin' ^{the analogy seemed to have a mind of its own.} So, anyway, to get back to this Wallyworld excursion - so I pushed my cart over toward the grocery dept. to get some of those $3 bags of pistachios. Those things are delicious, if ya don't already know that! Well, on the way over, I noticed these really ^cool sleep shorts in the boys' department and was lamentin' that they likely didn't have any in the men's department, which, of course, they didn't. But they did have comparably patterned sleep pants. My eye caught this pair with Woody the Woodpecker on it and I was jes' 'bout to put it in my basket when I saw a pair patterned with Tony the Tiger. I mean what kind of guy called Tiger is gonna pass upon ownin' his own pair of Tony the Tiger printed sleep pants. I am wearin' them right now. They're Grrrrrrrrrrrreat! Ya'll saw that comin' a mile away, didn't ya?

It really is the weather. I can't decide if it is gonna be hot and sticky or cool and wet. My sinuses just adore that/not! The navel refused to answer any questions on the grounds that such might incriminate it. I am not sure of the status of Constitutional Rights for navels and not eager to research the issue. However, if there was a handsome reward involved, I am quite sure I could make somethin' up that would please the masses. End of report.

P.S. ^{the question version} Does anyone really understand Monty Python? _{I didn't think so.}

Go away already!*

I jes' wanted ya'll to know that I really ain't crazy. I really have to think very long and hard to come up with all the crazy ideas, and all for a few lousy comments. I feel like a dog beggin' for a treat. My navel failed to enter into this picture. End of report.

*There really is no one doin' this sort of stuff anywhere else in the world, well 'cept for maybe in New Zealand.

They never come up purple when I . . . *

It all started here:

(unknown) (none) Oct 5 1KB

What is that, you ask? That was what was showin' when I went to check my hotmail. I didn't read it - jes' dumped it. I wanted to tell ya'll that if it was one of ya'll that sent it to me, I don't generally open emails from (unknown) about (none) on any day, no matter how big. I have ever'thing sent straight to the junk box unless I already know ya, but I always check what is swirlin' around before I flush 'em.

Don't ask me about the title and footnotin' fiasco. That last footnote did that train of thought in. It was not a train wreck however. It was sucked into a black hole. Today was one of those supposedly days where things got off on a bad foot and the day jes' ended up being long. I could tell ya stuff that would curdle your hair - is that what curdles? Is curdles right? How many other bloggers used the word curdle in a single blog post at least four times, ever? See another first! Fresh material. Always strivin' to be at the cuttin' edge of snarky thinkin' with regard to inane matters.

I need to go check my email. My navel can't do it.¹ End of report.

[Addendum:

Thanks for entering Yahoo! Personals' "Project: Real People 2005" search.

Although your smile caught our eye, with over 71,000 entries we were unable to
include you among this year's 60 finalists.

Why doesn't that surprise me? I am nothing if not a realist. I know what I look like, I see myself in the mirror everyday. I often don't like what I see. ^{by the way, that ain't fresh! I am almos' sure someone has said somethin' similar at one time or 'nother, I jes' ain't sure who.}

*I really do literally type whatever is goin' through my mind and I will now never know where that was goin'.**

¹You can buy this sort of stuff, ya know. Well, actually, I guess ya gotta wait until my book is actually published.

**It was a turnip in the picture.

***It wasn't a digital shot, though, because there was a developin' lag in there somewhere.****

****If ya like -- oh no, that one died! ^{enough with the astrerisks already!}

Ever'one can feel free to flush this one. The day jes' went by faster than I could keep up with.

A Video Daily Double:

End of report.

Gmail woes

Is it me, or is there anyone else havin' trouble gettin' the gmail login page, etc. to come up this mornin'?

It has not a thing to do with apathy

Hmmm, again, the report comes in late. What gives? Well, I somehow slipped on a blank page, found myself immersed in my manuscript, and spent the majority of my day dogpaddlin' though pages and pages of snappy dialogue, hopefully punnishly funny enough to push my humble tome to the top of the NYT Best Sellers list at some future point. My navel stayed out of sight and went unnoticed. I simply forgot about the need to post the report. My apologies. End of report.

Oct. 3, 2004

Breathed seems to be getting his wind back as the campaign draws to a close. Today the reporters attack and Opus practices a few tricks he has learned from others. Funny stuff!

I coulda been a contender . . .

in my dreams. Heck, I ain't sure I am qualified to be the guy who carries the bucket. I was jes' thinkin' however, that if I was a judge, I could rename this column the Nightly Gavel Raisin' Report™. Kinda catchy, what? I went to the State Fair of Texas today. I saw a really fat pig and a whole lot of people. Some of 'em were fat. A whole lot of 'em were fat, and a whole lot of them seemed to be makin' pigs outta themselves, what with the variety of stuff they was crammin' in their mouths. Then again, it is the State Fair -- and I 'spose if there is a time and a place to make a pig outta oneself, the State Fair is the place to do it. I also saw some really purty quilts, but that is another story, altogether.

My navel is still in a snit and said if I didn't post a joke that was the cause of it havin' received a bit of second-hand pleasure from the associated belly laugh, I was not to even mention its existence in this report. Hard to post a Nightly Navel Gazin' Report if ya ain't allowed to mention the navel, right? So I relented. The joke is in the extended entry. There are some colorful words within the body of said joke. View at your own risk. End of report.

A Tennessee Mountain Woman went to the doctor who told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asked her husband,

"What is a specimen?"

He replied, " Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith, she's a nurse."

The woman went next door, came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.

"What in the world happened?" asked her husband.

"Danged if I know," she replied.

"I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle, I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."

This might be a little too cruel

I jes' received this in an email, unattributed, adequately provided with 3 carets of forwardin' notations:

The National Weather Service has issued a warning for yet another catastrophic hurricane following on the heels of Ivan and Jeanne. The path of this hurricane zigs and zags, and is therefore highly unpredictable. Experts predict that this one will cause the most damage to the United States that we have experienced in four years. They are naming this one Hurricane Kerry. Be advised, the only way for citizens to protect themselves is by hiding behind a Bush.

A very trivial matter

I don't know why I mention it, but the next to the last post was No. 3000. I tol' ya it was trivial! It's Saturday! I was bored, so went to the Fair -- I jes' didn't stay very long.

The day that ended early

I dunno from whence the exhaustion came but I checked the TV listin's upon arrival home followin' the end of the workday, and seein' nuthin' of any interest, I went to bed - at 7:00 pm, without any supper. Strange that, huh? After all, are those not splendiferous conditions for a good evenin' of bloggin'? Yet, I found no interest in that. I actually did find some time to work 'pon the revisions to the manuscript, but the flaring tendinitis made that task somewhat too painful to be enjoyable.

I must have been tired, for I fell right asleep. However, I awoke at 4:30 am. I think I will jes' go back to bed. My navel could likely use a bit more sleep, I am sure. End of report.

I am jes' thankful the work week is crawlin' to a close

Your Friday, October 1, 2004, Horoscope, Taurus!

Solutions arrive today, and they all have your name on them. Other people will be fascinated with your practical ability. Analyze the things people need solved and avoid blabbing out your opinion at random. [emphasis supplied]

Oct. 1, 2004

A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read: "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died. Golf clubs for sale."