Read My Lips - the blog

It'd definitely stir shake things up

Jake Coyle of the AP was going through the possible choices for the next Bond, analyzing what each contender brings to the role. He even went as far as throwing a couple of possibly overlooked people who could play the role. I loved this one:

Christopher Walken: OK, so Walken is over 60. But who wouldn't run to the theater to see Walken play Bond? It would immediately be the most interesting movie of the year. In reference to one of Walken's Saturday Night Live skits, if there's one thing Bond could use, it's more cowbell.

*Of course, it might have already slipped down that where did it go? rabbithole.

As Professor Reynolds might say ...

*I follow the Cowboys** and usually pass on the beer.

**On occasion, I think George only knows why.

Not even hooked on phonics

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt. -- from Kenneth

This post got 12 comments, ya know I'm sayin'?

When Bad Writing Comes to Life

Him: You know what I'm saying, because I was all "you know what I'm saying", you know what I'm saying?
Her: I have no idea what you're trying to say.

--Sea Thai Bistro, Williamsburg, from Overheard in New York

"My KFC franchise didn't come all that cheaply," he said.

Four brothers left home for college and, after graduation they were all successful professionals and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her".

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for the next twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it!"

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays, dutiful and diligent follower of Miss Manners that she was, Mama sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.

Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.

Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.

OTB enters the Terrible Twos

Well, with not much to do, Outside the Beltway turns two. It seems like only yesterday that little James Joyce was penning his first ode and is now regarded by many to be a minor poet of little renown Joyner is one of the most highly regarded bloggers. Let me be among the first to say: James, here is hoping you are around for another two, at least. ;)

Front of Car Rear-Ended

Just a few minutes ago, the director of another local non-profit organization stopped by to visit. I was telling him about the fate of my Cadillac Catera and the subsequent wreck that I had in the rental vehicle. He proceded to tell me that he had recently been involved in a wreck as well.

Several weeks ago, he had taken his car to the dealer where I recently purchased my Taurus, which is across the street from his office. When his car was ready, he decided to walk across the street. Suddenly, a young lady in a Ford Focus swerved and was about to hit him. Sizing up the situation, he decided that he could not get out of the way of the car, so would either have to duck down or jump up to avoid the full impact. Since the car had little clearance underneath it, he decided to jump up. When he did, he landed on the hood of the car. The only part of the car which was damaged was the hood, which now had an imprint of his rear end. My friend had no injuries except for (so he told me) a very bruised buttox. This certainly lends a different meaning to the term "rear end collision."

There is great cause for celebration no matter who ultimately wins

The Academy Award Nominations are out and Michael Moore's* name goes unmentioned. Of course, as usual, the Academy shows its belief that animated movies are not considered to be Best Picture material.

*I personally thought Fahrenheit 9/11 was a shoo-in for the best foreign language film, being that the movie was narrated by a well-known known barking moonbat.

Python Pete--and he's not even an Irish Setter

I don't know what's wrong with me today. I don't want to do what I'm 'sposed to, I'm too tired to do anything but sit here, but too wound up to go to bed, so here I go surfin' the web again. I've heard of all kinds of different ways to get rid of snakes, but this seems like an unusual plan to me.

Little dog trains to hunt giant snakes in Everglades
BY ELIZABETH CARAM
KNIGHT RIDDER NEWSPAPERS

January 14, 2005

MIAMI -- In the strange-but-true fight against giant pythons that increasingly are roaming the far reaches of the Florida Everglades, park officials have come up with an unlikely weapon: a beagle named Python Pete.

The 6-month-old puppy is being trained to track the snakes that biologists say have invaded Everglades National Park -- discarded pets that have grown to science-fiction proportions.

"These are extraordinary times as the park faces a unique issue. We have to do what it takes to find these pythons," said Rick Cook, public affairs officer for the Everglades. "The hope is that the dog will be able to pick up the snakes' scent."

The experimental idea came from Lori Oberhofer, an Everglades wildlife technician who worked for the U.S. Department of Agriculture in Guam four years ago where a similar program is still used.

Oberhofer brings the puppy to work with her every day, training him for his future snake-tracking duties by using a rag that smells like python.

"Although this has never been tried before in the Everglades, we have great plans for him," Oberhofer said.

Park biologist Skip Snow is hopeful that the experiment will turn into the solution the park needs.

"We do not know if Python Pete will be successful. He's still a puppy," Snow cautioned.

The problem of giant snakes in the Everglades is becoming more acute because the pythons are competing with native animals -- including the indigo snake, which the federal government lists as threatened -- for food and living space. Burmese pythons, for example, typically grow to about 20 feet.

Already, park-goers have witnessed two headline-making battles between alligators and pythons. The first came in January 2003 when two reptiles engaged in an epic 24-hour fight. The snake finally managed to escape.

Nearly a year later, in February 2004, another snake wasn't as lucky. Park visitors saw an alligator catch one of the large snakes and swim away victoriously.

Park biologists plan to eradicate the Everglades' python population, euthanizing any that are found.

Daniel Vice, assistant state director for the U.S. Department of Agriculture, works in Guam with Jack Russell terriers that are used to detect and capture brown tree snakes.

"Studies indicate that a well-trained, experienced dog and handler team can expect to find about 75 percent of the snakes," Vice said.

Oberhofer, who paid for the dog, said she hopes that Pete will be just as productive in the Everglades.

"He is showing lots of potential and has already accomplished what much older dogs are trained to do. And he's still just a 6-month-old puppy," she said.

The dog's training sessions generally last 10 minutes, once or twice a day. Inside a plastic container in the corner of Oberhofer's office, a large, mesh laundry bag holds a large python. Pete's favorite rag, checkered and chewed on, is kept in the box, absorbing snake musk.

When it's time to train, Oberhofer puts a special red collar and matching leash on Pete -- a combination used only when it is "work time." She leads him outside to a field with knee-high grass, carrying the mesh bag containing the python and musky rag. Oberhofer gently drags the bag through the grass, creating a 50-foot scent trail for Pete. Then she tells him: "Find it!"

The puppy's ears perk up and he begins sniffing the grass. He finds the trail, which has been marked by stakes. As a reward when he has tracked the snake, Oberhofer lets him play tug-of-war with the musky rag.

"I want Pete to think that this scent means fun," she said.

So far, the beagle has found the trail each time he has tried, she said.

When he's ready, Oberhofer will take Pete out into the field for the real thing: to hunt for pythons. To keep him from becoming a snake snack, Pete will always be kept on a leash, Oberhofer said.

"If Python Pete turns out to be very successful at finding pythons for us, I would anticipate that we would continue using him and perhaps expand the program and get more dogs," she said. "But that would depend on future funding for the program."

Copyright © 2005 Detroit Free Press Inc.

I can't blog on this ---

Jay has already used the only possibly good title:

Jesus Christ, Superstore, You Are As Funny As They Say You Are

*Which means that I am likely jes' a bein' an asshole for pointin' such out, right?

Despite their whinin', Golden Bears not Pasadena material

The [No. 4 California] Golden Bears (10-2), who were 11 1/2 -point favorites, simply had no answer against the [No. 23 Texas Tech] Red Raiders (8-4) and their efficient spread offense, which uses four wide receivers most of the time. [Holiday Bowl - Texas Tech 45/California 31]

Jes' in time for the New Year

I was goin' through some of the ol' items I still had in draft mode and came 'cross this fabulous list of insults which I had found some time ago over at Silver Blue's place. If'n your New Years Resolution is to be able to aptly insult those whom you oft find a'trompin' on your toes, literally or figuratively, this might be jes' what the doctor ordered.

Bloggers to the rescue

Bloggers at worldchanging.com, some of them living in the affected nations, began chattering immediately after the waves hit and began discussions of ways to help. South Asian bloggers created tsunamihelp blogspot.com to direct people to aid organizations. "I haven't seen this level of people saying, 'You know what? We can do something here. We can connect the pieces,' " said Alex Steffen, who lives in Seattle and edits worldchanging.com. "It's mind-blowing, and it's inspiring."

Howard Rheingold, the author of "Smart Mobs: The Next Social Revolution," about the use of interactive technologies like text-messaging to build ad hoc coalitions, said that using blogs to muster support for aid was a natural next step. "If you can smartmob a political demonstration, an election or urban performance art, you can smartmob disaster relief," he said.

One veteran of the online medium said he was initially "a little disappointed" in the reports he got from the blogs. Paul Saffo, director of the Institute for the Future in California, said that with the widespread use of digital cameras and high-speed digital access, he was expecting to see more raw video and analysis.

He said that upon reflection he realized that it was difficult to get information out of hard-hit areas and that putting digital video online is still the domain of "deep geeks" with significant resources. "This brought home to me just how far we have to go," he said.

Ms. Jardin of BoingBoing said people online often argued about whether blogs would replace mainstream media. The question is as meaningless, she said, as asking "will farmers' markets replace restaurants?"

"One is a place for rich raw materials," she continued. "One represents a different stage of the process."

Blogging from the tsunami, she said, is "more raw and immediate," but the postings still lack the level of trust that has been earned by more established media. "There is no ombudsman for the blogosphere," she said. "One will not replace the other, but I think the two together are good for each other."

Dr. Vaidhyanathan said he was leaving for a long-planned trip to India today and, if possible, hoped to visit relatives in Madras. "As long as there is electricity and Internet access, I'll blog," he said.

attribution to worldchanging.com -- much more info to be found there

Murphy's Other Laws

"He who laughs last, thinks slowest" and other tidbits of wisdom.

Murphy's other laws:

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
9. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
10. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."
11. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
12. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
13. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
14. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
15. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
16. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
17. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
18. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
19. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
20. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
21. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
22. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
23. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
24. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
25. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
26. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
27. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
28. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
29. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
30. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
31. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
32. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
33. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
34. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

No more Larry

OK, folks, Larry is gone. Sorry, but it jes' didn't work out. He was undependable. He disappeared, literally. I heard he was down under a bridge some place. I am really gonna miss him, a lot. Despite his faults, he was the best imaginary friend I ever had. And despite what the doctors say, he was not another facet of my multi-personality problem. Those doctors are crazy, I tell ya! I know, because the voices in my head tell me they are. Why are you lookin' at me like that?

OK, now that we have that little bit of inanity outta the way, I wanna now introduce you to a real person. Yes, a real and true, made of flesh and blood type person, who is --- jes' this very night, here on Read My Lips, this same blog that you are looking at --- gonna make her first, yes, very first ever, blog post. Her name is Moona, she is a small town girl with an udderly exquisite smile, so I want ya all to be real nice to her.

So, Moona, the floor is all yours. Even though we are sharin' the floor on your debut, these are your first words in the beginnin' of what is hoped to be a long and pleasurable bloggin' experience.

With my sincerest well-wishes and all the accouterments thereto

Jes' in, via email:

Happy RamaHanuKwansMas, and Other PC Greetings of the Season

The legal department has approved the following for immediate dissemination:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2004, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Ya done said a mouthful, my boy

Doubtless ya already saw Day by Day today, but Chris Muir blasted a zinger at NYT! Jes' so that my comments don't lose all meanin' in the future when no one can figger out to which strip I am referrin', see the extended entry for the correct strip.

A major milestone alert

It seems that I am nearin' the 150,000 visitor mark. I know that the SiteMeter ain't that high, but I discussed here why it should and could be. I am feelin' so giddy! I hope it doesn't cause me to fall into a fugue state. Sporkin' ya, zombyboy!

[UPDATE: At 08:05:50 PM, some unknown individual in San Diego, CA, likely bein' 06:05:50 PM at the time in said locality was the 150,000th visitor to Read My Lips per the StatCounter meter.]

Some will not be comin' this Christmas

Go read Da Goddess: From Major Dad --- pack a pocketful of Kleenex, you're liable to need 'em.

Oops! Did I do that?

What's the most fun ya can have in a strange, totally dark, empty house? Alli Deluxe* made like a Yeti On Heroin. Be sure to read this one all the way through, the climax will be worth ever' moment of sufferin' through the foreplay.

*So, anyone got a clue as the the pronunciation of Tof Reknin or what is supposedly means?

And 'member 25¢ allowances and how much ya could buy?

Rob Sama published somethin' I have gotten in my email a couple of times before. I do not even 'member if I ever even tol' ya'll 'bout it or not, but this is so thought provokin' and brings back childhood memories, ya'll oughta take a peek at it. samaBlog: People Over 30

Here comes Santa Claus right down Penny Lane

Abroad at home has searched far and wide and found the perfect Christmas present to present to us Fab Four Fans: The Beatles Christmas Records. These were special edition fan records sent out by the band in their heyday and are completely downloadable MP3 files. Enjoy! I know I will!

Welcome to HeroMachine

It's totally illogical in my best estimation

SPOCK'S BRAIN, with Lola Davidson as Captain James T. Kirk.

I heard they had actually wanted to do "THE TROUBLE WITH TRIBBLES" but had severe difficulties in contract negotiations with the United Federation of Tribble Performers.*

*Aw come on. No one has ever praised tribbles for their originality.

Standin' in the portal in slack-jawed amazement

Oh wow! I can see myself spendin' a lot of time here ... American Memory from the Library of Congress ... once I get the necessary bandwidth, I mean!

A box of sporks to the friendly folks at Eight Diagrams for providin' the ticket to the show.

Ooooooo - now my fingers smell like Pickle Juice

My boss is totally and embarrassingly in love with my crazy mad marketing skills. This afternoon he said of my latest campaign, "Your message is going to change the world! Just like Jesus!" So I guess I can safely predict how my employment will end. And the Jews will be at fault. - Nat!

If the Scots hadda known Jewish history, Brave Heart woulda never been made

Now here is somethin' I didn't know:

Hanukkah is an eight-day celebration of the Jewish revolution against Syria in the second century B.C.

During the years of Syrian tyranny, Syrian officers enjoyed the droit du seigneur—the authority to deflower virgin Jewish brides on their wedding nights, before they could join their husbands. So some stories which Jewish families retell at Hanukkah, such as the Book of Judith, extol brave Jewish women who went to the tent of enemy officers who were expecting sex—but who instead met their deaths as the hands of lone Jewish women.

Yikes, hide your valuables*

Bill has become a Munuvian. Now, don't get me wrong. I am glad to know that Bill is still among the livin' and all, but with him now bein' a full fledged card carryin' member of the Munuvian Empire, does that mean I am no long allowed to give him back-handed snarky compliments. I know the one thing I am very very glad of, that is that, bein' as I outrank him in the Munuvian peckin' order, I ain't gonna be the one assigned to deal with whatever afflictions attack that thing he sits upon. WB BIll!

*Hey, that one's much better than the first three attempts.

The wee li'l Scotsman turned awfully red in the face*

Accordin' to Jim,** he happened 'pon a bloggin' celebrity*** at the local Sack n' Save.

*A fully-wrapped, brand-new right off the boat direct from China, box of mixed red and green sporks to the first of ya'll that can 'splain the 'cause of that titlin'.

**No relation to the television show starrin' Toga John's bubba, Jim.

***No Virginia, 'tweren't Glenn Reynolds. You'll jes' have to click the danged link and check it out for yourself.

Spews over my spammy?

Jim owes me a fresh refill of Dr. Pepper and a roll of paper towels for the spewin' spree this set off.

Stamp it out with a bit of your own flair

Here is another little facet of modern life ya'll might have missed:

PhotoStamps is an exciting new product that allows you to create your own customized postage. Whether you have a new baby in the family or a business to promote, PhotoStamps are a fun and easy way to add a personal touch to your mailings. - http://www.photo.stamps.com/

How they baked a fat kid and other urban myths

Wow, the things you find out from readin' other people's blogs. Take #!/usr/fez/~ramblings for example. In a single post, he was able to deftly describe what it means to be fat, why so many people are fat, the newly discovered ways to lead a normal life, includin' the diets designed by Drs. Atkins and South Beach, and disclosed that it is entirely possible to get one's medical degree through a system of confusin' Nigerian emails. I highly recommend this new find via Blog Explosion.

I am not oft' at such a loss for words

Wow! Check out the creations of Mark Ryden. 'Bout all I can think to say is that his works of art are so very sad and hauntin' and yet evoked within me an unalarmin' sense of calmness.

A well-deserved sporkin' for Tvindy.

A really really worthy endeavor with which I need ever'one's assistance

I did have to provide the poor cow a personal note. You can find the text of that message in the extended entry.

UTOH! I almos' forgot to spork Orange Haired Boy.

'Member, without balls, life ain't really worth a crap anyway. Maybe that involuntary martyrdom on behalf of us beef lovers ain't all that bad after all.

In the Why the Hades didn't I Think of This? Dept.

OK, all of ya'll people who have been really worried 'bout all of your CDs and DVDs havin' unprotected sexual relations, it seems some genius has designed condoms for your wayward disks. They are 'sposedly 'vailable at your local Walmart.

Undisclosed Location can consider itself sporked.

I turned over a rock and look what I found

Ya know, it doesn't take a fancy template and great page design to make a good blog. It is more important that you have a keen eye for seein' the interestin' details of life and can tell your stories well. Example: Scheiss Weekly - recently added to the blogroll.

You can keep your darned ol' Eye of Sauron...

Hey I want one of these. Ya think anyone would take one of my nuts* in exchange for one?

*Pecans, of course, ya nasty minded Orc. I got bunches of them layin' all over my driveway.

He is such a really great neighbor

I don't know how many of ya'll have CrabAppleLane on your blogroll, but if ya don't, ya ought ta get it on there. Rob's a good citizen of the blogosphere. Rob doesn't post prolifically, although always eager to share some beautiful photography of the local area around Bush, Louisiana. What I 'specially think makes him a good blogosphere citizen is his blog of the day feature, which points out delightful new blogs to check out. Jes' after givin' ya the link to his daily choice, he will give ya a teaser by postin' a short quote from such site. His blog of the day today is here, but, instead of the quote he chose, I preferred:

well, after the fire of 2003, this year's thanksgiving was calm and uneventful.

This'll only take a few worthwhile minutes, ya know?

Madfish Willie, that crazy owner of the raunchiest bar in the blogosphere, has penned a little diatribe about one family's Thanksgivin' dinner you can while away your time readin' while you are munchin' on that left-over turkey sandwich.*

*Doin' Wonkette, Tiger style..**

**Lookin' back on that, it sounds kinda nasty, don't it? ;)¹

¹The only smiley face sanctioned for use on Read My Lips.

Got any Rasta-mons* on your list on your Christmas list?

McGehee has the scoop. I don't want to steal his thunder, 'specially since he went to the trouble of makin' a screenshot or two of the site, lest it disappear.

[Update: Waaaaaaah!]

*Very handy site to bookmark if ya happen to be Ricky Williams brother.

A healthy helpin' of Thanksgivin' humor, or is this gag a real turkey or what?

A History of Thanksgiving

1492 - Christopher Columbus discovers America, unless you count the native peoples already living there. Columbus doesn't. Columbus and crew celebrate by holding a dinner, giving thanks for their safe arrival. Embarrassment ensues when every Indian brings maize, and nobody brings pumpkin pie.

1620 - Pilgrim men invent sport of football to avoid helping clean up after Thanksgiving dinner.

1671 - First embarrassing drunken relatives at Thanksgiving dinner, as Captain John Smith's parents tell Pocahontas the "hilarious" old "I got lost in the maize" joke for the hundredth time.

1701 - At a historic Thanksgiving dinner, Dutch settlers unveil historic "Indians Give Us All Of Their Land Treaty." Due to an unfortunate oversight, the Indians are left off of the invite list, and the treaty is signed without them.

1776 - Excited that his British in-laws finally agreed to meet him for Thanksgiving dinner, silversmith Paul Revere rides through Boston announcing the news. Unfortunately, many colonists misinterpret his cry "the British are coming!" as a warning, leading to the Revolutionary War.

1812 - At an international Thanksgiving dinner, King George of England, still hurting from losing the Revolutionary War, challenges United States President James Madison to "best 2 out of 3."

1860 - At a Senate Thanksgiving dinner, the seven-year-old son of Alabama's Senator Richard Applebee insults the Senators from Massachusetts, New York, and Pennsylvania, sparking the Civil War. The tradition of the "children's table" is instituted in 1861.

1903 - Canada steals idea of Thanksgiving holiday, placing it in October, so they can say it was their idea first.

1928 - To commemorate "our nation's greatest era of prosperity that will last forever and ever," President Herbert Hoover dumps ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into the Potomac River.

1929 - Following the Great Stock Market Crash, thousands of men go Turkey Diving in the Potomac River.

1957 - Declaring her spicy stuffing "a communist threat to undermine my health via heartburn," Senator Joe McCarthy has his wife placed under arrest as a Soviet saboteur.

1969 - The world's largest Eat-In event goes sour. Thousands of hippies start having bad trips when bad "brown gravy" gets passed around.

1991 - When Dan Quayle takes ill on Thanksgiving; a turkey is sworn as Vice President for three days. No change is noticed.

1997 - Strong natural tranquilizer tryptophane is discovered in turkey. A Colombian cartel immediately starts selling "pure" turkey on the streets for $500 an ounce. Turkey farmers get involved in drive-by shootings, and the U.S. government declares a national fowl emergency.

2002 - America is on a terrorist alert. It is now against the law to stuff a turkey since anyone [caught doing so] is suspicious [suspected] of hiding explosives. Saddam Hussein is caught trying to smuggle Turkeys filled with WMD's in containers bound for the US.

2004 - Teresa Heinz Kerry invites all the Democrats who won in November for a Festive Thanksgiving Celebration. As she certainly knows a Turkey when she sees one, her 'trophy' hubby John Kerry finds it very lonely when only Tom Daschle shows up, claiming that he won 'in spirit.'

Now I know why my horrorscopes always miss the mark

You are 67% Taurus

How much do you match your zodiac sign?

Tossin' a handful of highly valuable Kudos* Eric's way.

*One Kudo, despite bein' equal to the use of 327.8 neurons are additionally equivalent in value to three used sporks and one of those bendable straws.

Here is somethin' of interest to ever'one

Seriously! No jest. Next time ya want to read someone the Riot Act, ya actually will be able to do so. Orin Kerr has the skivvy. Thanks for doin' the research for us, Professor!

It's Saturday and nobody is at home

Yep, and so starts another long Saturday, the day where bloggin' grinds to a tiny trickle as mos' people partake of the temptations of the real world. I really ain't got anythin' of an entertainin' nature to offer ya at the moment, but it appears that, in honor of the openin' of the Clinton Presidential Library, the Cracker Barrel Philosopher has compiled a most excellent parade of photoshopped? pics to celebrate the Clinton legacy.

Then ag'in, there is this link to a very strange FLASH movie I found over on the newly redesigned Who Tends the Fires. I ain't sure if you'll find it entertainin' or not. Heck, I watched it three times and ain't even sure that I understand it. Oh . . . well --- that's life.

An early mornin' discovery of a delightful coincidence

I jes' eyed the followin' statistics with regard to one of my recent visitors:

Country-Ireland
Region-Cork
City-Cork

Takin' logic to the extreme?

Here is somethin' interestin' I found 'mong the messages in one of mail list digests I receive several times a day in my main email account. For some odd reason, I thought such was worthy of passin' 'long. First of all, let me say that I do not actually believe this was created by a student in response to a test question, and, I suspect this may have been floatin' round the 'net for much longer than I am aware, but it is unique and a good point of humor. I am gonna gamble and share it hereon:

Subject: Hell

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Maybe I did make the right choice*

Ya know, I often say that I was born jes' a might bit early to have been able to choose some IT job. Heck, nearly ever'thin' dealin' with computers when I was in college had somethin' to do with punchin' bunches of cards and feedin' 'em into IBM 360 mainframes. However, with the advent of PCs, I have found several alternative careers that are now available that I might have chosen had such been available back in the day. However, accordin' to this little ditty I found over at Oz Guru's, computer programmin' ain't really changed all that much over the years.

*Actually, becomin' a best sellin' author was in my mind, even then. I am still hopin' it becomes an eventuality, but if it don't, I still have loads of ammunition in my tear ducts.

It might be funny, but there is a lesson to be learned for some

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"

Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dared to challenge the thought. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much of either we wear rubbers!"

Happy Veteran's Day

Yep, it is Veteran's Day and I am so hopeful that all of ya'll remember those who gave their lives so we can live free and those who are still in harm's way so that others can find themselves freer than they ever believed was possible. Those of you still in harm's way, we are keepin' you in our prayers. Have a nice day, all.

Admirable action and a hope for somethin' better

I was pretty sure there was very little 'bout John F. Kerry which I could ever find to admire, but goin' forward to concede the election to President Bush was a class act. I am so glad we didn't have to wait until December 10.

Now, here is a wish for all in our great nation. Let us cease this great polarization that has occurred since the 2K election and all work together for the betterment of our nation and society. Ain't it time for a bit of good ol' American bi-partisanship? I hope I ain't the only one who is tired of a wide division between the citizens of our country.

Today's Horrorscope is a doozy!

Your Tuesday, November 2, 2004 Horoscope, Taurus!

This is one extraordinary day. A project you have committed your time to is suddenly quite popular. Many supporters will soon have you speeding toward your ultimate goal and beyond.

2.3% of John Kerry's fightin' styles exhibited in a single forum

I don't think I would have let the world know I had 23 pictures of Kerry downloaded onto my hard drive, but this is some funny stuff. Seriously funny! Do not pass the link by. Click it. Here! You will be glad you did!

Blame it all on Jay. He made me do it. He's the Devil, that Jay.*

*OK, let me spell that one out for ya! The Devil made me do it! Jeez, you youngsters who weren't around for Laugh-in.

Bush blogger strikes back

Accordin' to some guy in a remote location,* the person behind the mask in the tape promisin' a new terror attack on the US is none other than ABC news anchor, Peter Jennin's.

*Iowa is a pretty remote location, ain't it?

It's all in how you hold the big fat pencil

Frank J has whole-heartedly endorsed George W. Bush and did his very best to illustrate the reasons why.

Heh!*

As if! I am puttin' my money on the alien conspiracy theory.

Found: here. Indeed! Go - there's more!

*Yeah, I know, my Glenn Reynolds impression really sucks. So, sue me! I know a good lawyer** if ya need one. Actually, Glenn can't do me, either. No one can!

**Ta be a bit more accurate, I think that in most people's minds, good lawyers are a lot like unicorns, pixies, and anyone connected with the John Kerry campaign capable of actually tellin' the truth,*** people go around claimin' they exist, but no one has come forward with any solid documentary evidence to actually prove it.

***See how I artfully placed another jab at Lurch in a post havin' nothin' to do with the current Presidential campaign. Who says I ain't no artful blogger.****

****I thought that last bit was a bit punny, didn't you? 'Course, I 'spose I must be the most unrecognized artful blogger in the blogosphere from the number of comments and trackbacks I have seen of late.

I have been a paltry fool and missin' somethin' right in my face

I done went on today 'bout why ya'll should vote for BUSH, even goin' so fas as to tell a really good whopper or was it 'bout why no one should vote for his opponent -- you know: the guy who hasn't taken off his mask and shown his real face since 'nouncin' his candidacy for President, and here I come to find that someone else discovered the very reason that all liberals, leftists, Democrats, hippies, peaceniks, commies, socialists, educators, union members, Hollywood idiots, the mainstream media, terrorists, tree huggers, feminazis, and you should vote for George W. Bush. Who made such discovery? The Patriette, of course. What did she uncover? Go find out for yourself -- but do so, 'cause it is worth the trip.

I know some of ya'll was 'spectin' it to be somethin' from Susie, right? Naw, she's too busy tryin' to find the right clothes to wear while officiatin' the media now that she has been officially appointed as Supreme Media Goddess. I understand she is currently seekin' somethin' really sexy in shiny black vinyl, appropriately adorned with chromed chains and studs, to go along with that spankin' new cat-o-nine-tails she won on Ebay. Back I say, Back, Back!

[Addendum: I am remiss in givin' Jim proper Kudos for havin' pointed out the way.]

A delightful trip to a predictable end

Gotta inbox full of a bunch of things that my favorite Aunt 'Net jes' forwarded. I found this one especially worthy of consideration! A further wee bit of insight with regard to my thoughts 'bout such can be found via a thorough examination into the titlin' of this post, as well ;)

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET !!"

When ya put it that way . . .

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was for redistribution of all wealth. She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, which she expressed openly. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, as well as that occasional chat with a professor, she felt that, for years, her father had obviously harbored an evil, even selfish, desire to keep what he thought should be his. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.

He stopped her and asked her point blank, how she was doing in school.

She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain. She told him how she studied all of the time, never had time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have very many college friends because of spending all of her time studying. She also reminded him that she was taking a more difficult curriculum than most.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your good friend Mary doing?"She replied, "Mary is barely getting by."

She continued, "She barely has a 2.0 GPA," adding, "and all she takes are easy classes and she never studies. But Mary is so very popular on campus, college for her is a blast, she goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn't even show up for classes because she is too hung over."

Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0." He continued, "That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter visibly shocked by her father's suggestion angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without and Mary has done little or nothing, she played while I worked really hard!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

OTBTJTB

I served in Vietnam (four months)

JOB APPLICATION:

NAME: John Kerry

RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including one in Washington DC, worth multi-millions.

EXPERIENCE: Law Enforcement. In my career as a U.S. Senator, I've voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA, and Defense bill. I ordered the city of Boston to remove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire. I served in Vietnam... (four months).

MILITARY: I served in Vietnam (four months). I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I served in Vietnam (four months). I then returned to the U.S., joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I served in Vietnam (four months). I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book "Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier", shows how I truly feel about the military. I served in Vietnam (four months).

COLLEGE:I graduated from Yale University with a low 'C' average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE: After College and Vietnam, I ran for the U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no 'real' world experience except marrying very rich women and running their companies vicariously through them. I served in Vietnam (four months).

ACCOMPLISHMENTS: As a U.S. Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against their budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself.

Although I voted 'for' the Iraqi War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that 'I voted for it'. I voted 'for' every liberal piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to 'raise taxes' significantly if I am elected. I served in Vietnam (four months).

My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make little or no charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in Massachusetts, despite family wealth in excess of $ 700 million. I served in Vietnam (four months).

I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) 'outside' the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although I blame George Bush for sending all of the other jobs out of Country.

Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES: None. However, I served in Vietnam (four months).

PERSONAL: I practice my Catholic faith whenever cameras are present. I ride a Serotta Bike. I love to ski/snowboard. I call my Gulfstream V Jet the "Flying Squirrel". I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scarmouche".

I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.

I own several "Large" SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large, polluting, inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for our energy problems. I served in Vietnam (four months).

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.

This might be a little too cruel

I jes' received this in an email, unattributed, adequately provided with 3 carets of forwardin' notations:

The National Weather Service has issued a warning for yet another catastrophic hurricane following on the heels of Ivan and Jeanne. The path of this hurricane zigs and zags, and is therefore highly unpredictable. Experts predict that this one will cause the most damage to the United States that we have experienced in four years. They are naming this one Hurricane Kerry. Be advised, the only way for citizens to protect themselves is by hiding behind a Bush.

Somethin' that is hopefully true as it is wholly enjoyable

This picture of the statue was made by an Iraqi artist named Kalat, who for years was forced by Saddam Hussein to make the many hundreds of bronze busts of Saddam that dotted Baghdad. This artist was so grateful that the Americans liberated his country, he melted 3 of the fallen Saddam heads and made a memorial statue dedicated to the American soldiers and their fallen comrades. Kalat worked on this night and day for several months. To the left of the kneeling soldier is a small Iraqi girl giving the soldier comfort as he mourns the loss of his comrade in arms. It is currently on display outside the palace that is now home to the 4th Infantry division. It will eventually be shipped and shown at the memorial museum in Fort Hood, Texas.

Oh no! The Horror of it all!

Your Saturday, September 18, 2004, Horoscope, Taurus!

There is a chance to get that which you have always wanted. A sharp tongue may be necessary, as accusations about your intentions will lead to hurt feelings. Do not let a spiteful person get his or her way by diminishing your efforts. Forge ahead.

Do we have to talk turkey tech durin' Shaolin Soccer*?

If ya are ever wantin' to keep up with the news on the technological front, you need to add Technically Speakin'** to your blogroll. Tony S does a good job of gatherin' the stories and givin' ya the info in plain language that is easily understood, and provides his unique insight on a regular basis. Take this recent revelation that companies are startin' to have concern about the loss of intellectual property with the emergence of flash drives: Tony says it is likely that they are tryin' to shut the barn door after the horses have escaped.

*Actually, it would be a great time to attract my attention! I mean it ain't like they are showin' Mighty Mouse.

**Tony does not actually drop the endin' "g" in the titlin' of his blog, but such must be done hereon so as to conform with ^{my style}.

Hmmm, here's somethin' ya might not wanna know?

You make the call.

All hail our Most Noble Benefactor!

It is official:

Pixy Misa
Mu.Nu Director of Stuff *

**So? Anyone know what pengos are good for?

Always keepin' my eye for the best in entertainment value

Didn't get enough of Spidey battlin' Doc Ock on the big screen, well -- leggo my eggo? Have a look at the film for free 'fore it hits the Dollar Movies.

The barkin' moonbat alarm seems to be momentarily out of order

I don't know how he did it, and surely don't know how he got past the security system, but OldCatman has done invaded barkin'moonbat.com.

Talk 'bout a SMILEY FACE

Here's a well deserved one for the ages:

Picture flagrantly swiped from http://www.nbcolympics.com/gymnastics/index.html and identified as Kazuhiro Nogi/Getty Images but the real hard work was done by the pictured Carly Patterson who beamed that smile. Congratulations!!!! (As an aside, the local news jes' said that the Plano gym where Carly trains has seen a big increase in its enrollment over these last few days.)

Have I mentioned how badly I want one of these?

Congratulations you two, he is absolutely adorable.

Not quite as badly, but I would also like one of these, one of these, and one of these.

Thanks to soon-to-be-poppa Jay for pointin' the way.

A quick bit of wit

James has penned a nifty little ditty over on Parkway Rest Stop. I wouldn't be mentionin' it if it was not worth the time it takes to click the link. Jes' DO IT!

Somethin' I found to whet your appetite political

I was hopin' to collect a few more links today to do a Nuggets and Gems postin' which has not come 'round these parts in a long while, but couldn't find the time to do a proper prospectin' job with the little bit of free time I found this day. Still, there was this: Ramblings of Silver Blue: Classic Headline

Jes' so's ya know ---

I am now above all links with any reference to the movie by such name if you do a Google search for read my lips. I am admittedly not in the top spot, yet, but I am knockin' on the door. It still find it very surprisin' jes' 'zactly how many people do a search for those three words on a daily basis, but I must get at least 10 hits ever' day from such searches. However, as I am not seein' a giant leap in the growth of my regular readership, whatever it is that they are tryin' to find through that search, they must not be findin' it here. If'n they would simply take the time to tell me what it was, I might be willin' to put forth the effort to make it available in the future. ;)

The Carnival turns 100

Hard to believe that this is the 100th runnin' of the Carnival of the Vanities* and Fringe Blog has prepared a show worthy of the event. Go see it here.

*Harder to believe that I was not even around for the original runnin' of this fine event.

My dad is a conservative and all I got was this lousy T-shirt

As Art Linkletter once said, "Kids say the darnedest things," and these days some parents dress their kids up in T-shirts with some some really snarky messages.

The traps are loaded for males

The top five questions that men fear…

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than I am?
5. What would you do if I died?

Aunt 'Net strikes again -- chuckle at this

Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast

They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age."

His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

Let's go Mexico!!!

I am gonna be rootin' for Brenda Magana*, one of two different female Mexican gymnasts in this year's Olympics, which is the first time two different women from Mexico qualified for competition in such. It seems there were a few obstacles that jumped into her path on her way up the ladder, so she is much older than most of those with whom she will be competin', so I think she deserves watchin'. O' course, I also watched Eddie the Eagle and the Jamaican Bobsled Team, durin' their attempts at achievin' stardom durin' Olympic events. Try findin' anythin' 'bout this on the net. I tried, and not much recent news to be found.

An answer to the age old dilemma

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second party (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the afore-mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self- same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".

I have failed the neocon test

Well, Emperor Darth Misha I led me to this test* where I could determine whether I was a neocon or not. It seems that I have failed, because my views show that I ain't 'mongst the membership of such neocon movement. Accordin' to my results, I am a realist:**

Realists…

• Are guided more by practical considerations than ideological vision
• Believe US power is crucial to successful diplomacy - and vice versa
• Don't want US policy options unduly limited by world opinion or ethical considerations
• Believe strong alliances are important to US interests
• Weigh the political costs of foreign action
• Believe foreign intervention must be dictated by compelling national interest

Historical realist: President Dwight D. Eisenhower
Modern realist: Secretary of State Colin Powell

**Thankfully I did not fall 'mongst the headless group of liberals crawlin' round at the bottom of the result barrel.

It sounds like a decision an adult would make

Yep, now that she, along with her sister, Ashley, has reached the age of majority, Mary-Kate Olsen had decided she needs treatment for her anorexia problems. It ain't like the whole world wasn't pretty sure that she needed to do so, was it?

attribution: Squishybear

Too funny not to pass along

Another gem from my Aunt 'Net:

Vacation

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent.

With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to Boston."

"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?"

The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of John Kerry in the middle."

Could you possibly move your ass any slower?

Marvin the Martian is quakin' in his boots

CNN is reportin' that Spaceship One has finally flown far enough from the surface of the Earth to qualifiy as space. Is it too early to buy a ticket to the moon?

Meanwhile, in another part of the galaxy

OldCatman mixes entertainment with politics like no other.

Story says John Kerry is a crook

Yep, some law student, Jonathan M. Stein, says that Democratic candidate for President of the United States, John F. Kerry, is illegally acceptin' payment as a Senator that he is not supposed to be gettin' in accordance to the U.S. Law, and has filed an official ethics complaint. Of course, I am sure that JFKerry really needs the money to keep his family fed, right? I mean they can't just live off of ketchup, can they?

Thanks to Ironbear for shinin' the light of justice on this scene.

Another pearl I plucked from the inbox

As usual, this one comes from my Aunt 'Net:

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."

But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."

Defenders of Texas Update

OK, folks, the Defenders of Texas blogroll has been created, so let's get all the Texas blogs on the list and the list on all the Texas blogs. Whatta ya say?

If ya wanna see if you are already on it or wanna see who is on it currently, it is all the way at the bottom of the left side column.

Wednesday joke -- just because

I was gonna save this one for the Friday Funny™ but I might go home and fall asleep, then ya'll would come lookin' for a Nightly Navel Gazin' Report™ and find nuthin' funny enough to make ya laugh or whatever. Anyway, I like this joke. It ain't even got any double entendres* or nuthin'.

A golfer is out on the course on a lovely sunny day, about to tee off. Just as he lifts his club, and man comes runnin' up to him holdin' out a golf ball. "Wait!" he exclaims, "I have sumthin' really 'mazin' to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, asks, "What is it? Can't ya see I am tryin' to play some golf here?"

"It's a special golf ball! You can never lose it."

The golfer scoffs, "Never lose it? What ever do you mean? I mean what happens if you hit it into the water trap?"

"No problem," comes the reply, "This ball floats and it detects the closest route to the shore and spins in that direction."

"OK," says the golfer, "Say I hit it way off into the woods?"

"Easy," the other man replies, "It beeps so you can find it with your eyes closed."

The golfer is startin' to be impressed, "So, tell me this, say your round is runnin' a bit late and it gets dark, what then?"

"No problem 'tall," says the man, "The ball glows in the dark. I am tellin' ya, you can't ever lose this ball."

"I am sold," says the golfer, and he and the man arrange proper payment for the miracle ball. After the money has changed hands and the golfer has the ball firmly in his hands, he turns to the man and asks, "Where did this ball come from?"

The man replied, "I found it."

The mailbag was full of it

Well, I got a ton of stuff from my Aunt 'Net in the inbox today, or it might have been over the last several days, as she mails to an account I rarely check 'cept when at the office. First off, none of this stuff is attributed, so if you know from whence it came or who originally wrote such, feel free to comment upon same and I will definitely update to give the necessary attribution.

This first item could be from Steve's cookbook:

Facts about diet and exercise.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ..... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now go have a cookie...flour is a veggie! If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me...

An old Korean vet sent this. [this was a part of the original email but was not directly sent to me, but was a forward from you know who]

Send old men to war

If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC. But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.

If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?" An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early (to pee).

If old guys are captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one." And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, to wear pants without the top of the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out, to learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home and to learn a little more about life before sending them off to a possible death. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten
cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

Subject: Marines...

A squad of Marines drove up the highway between Basra and Baghdad. They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby on the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar state, but he was alert. As first aid was given to both men, they asked the injured Marine what happened.

The Marine responded "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier".

"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.

"I told him Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of crap and then the Iraqi told me that Tom Daschle, Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton, and John Kerry were miserable pieces of crap!"

"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.

"We were shaking hands when a truck hit us."

Suckin' down someone else's bandwidth

Hey, but it is a question beggin' for an answer, right?

And as they asked, what are you expected to do on "Kobe Bryant Night" at the strip joint? Of course, there is likely to be as many answers provided to that question here as all those other questions I ask on a regular basis.

Foreign languages can be so utterly poetic

Lea Mis Labios

COTV #88

The latest installment of the Carnival of the Vanities is published and ready for viewin' at Right On. Go, visit, peruse the linkage and read until the cows come home, or your significant others, if that be your druthers.

From the man who discovered Chris Elliott

Lifted straight from Just a Girl:*

Top Ten Questions on the John Kerry Running Mate Application:**

1. Do you support both sides of every issue?
2. Excluding horse, what animal do I most resemble?
3. Mind if I pretend you’re John McCain?
4. Are you related to any Governors who can help rig an election?
5. In the vice presidential debate, will you make Cheney your bitch?
6. You’re not going to trick me into starting a war to help out your oil buddies, are you?
7. Which trait do you find more inspirational: My dour blandness or my smug arrogance?
8. If chosen, would you be willing to change your name to Kenny?
9. Any black market botox connections?
10. Do you have my back if I pull a ‘Clinton’ ?

**Developed by the minds of the writers on the David Letterman show and purported to have been delivered by David Letterman himself, but I was not a witness to such event, so must only assume such took place.

From the mailbag (Aunt Net)

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

when I came ashore on D-Day, I couldn't find any Frenchmen

The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

The meme of the minute or somethin'

It seems that Candy posted a speech with which David of Ripples was so impressed that he also posted the entire speech with a link to Candy sayin' where he had found it. OK, go to either of those places, 'cause, whether it be the meme of the moment or however excellent I think the message was, I just ain't gonna entirely post the exact same thing as two other bloggers to which I just linked did. Got it? I ain't my [insert appropriate inappropriate modifier here] style.

Properly secure your drinks, please

[At the bottom is an assignment!]

This is absolutely the funniest thing I have read in a long while.

Read it all the way through, after you stop laughin', pause and give it some deep thought. It actually heaps a load of back handed admiration for the skills of our current Commander in Chief. He is in a class by himself, even among his closest contemporaries. That is a very high mark of achievement for any man.

Kudos Jane.

[UPDATE: Your mission, Mr. Phelps, should you choose to accept it, is to provide correct Moron Classifications to all of the commenters on this post. I am bettin' that neither Harvey nor Jim can successfully tackle such mission. Susie probably could, but won't have time. ;) As always, this message will cease to exist when no one further considers it worthy of consideration.]

A place for polibloggers to camp out?

Oh, wow! I think this might be the best site on the Internet. Really. Check it out for yourself.

I am gonna thank Mary of Fresh Bed Goodness for keepin' her finger pointed that way for days and days until I stumbled across her blog, havin' found she had mislinked to one of my lamer posts

It is good to know who your friends are

Pixy is so good to us. He gave us all CPanel, which allows us to access so much data about this and that. I did not know I could find out what sites were my top referrers until today. Now I know:

1. 2561258: http://tig.mu.nu/
2. 150540: http://blog.mu.nu/
3. 126586: http://tiger.mu.nu/
4. 92118: http://www.google.com/
5. 27133: http://search.yahoo.com/
6. 14676: http://www.movabletype.org/
7. 13873: http://www.technorati.com/
8. 8280: http://shushu.pia.cc/
9. 7990: http://blo.gs/
10. 7508: http://www.google.co.uk/
11. 6906: http://www.google.ca/
12. 6721: http://themonkeyboylovescheese.mu.nu/
13. 6344: http://wizbangblog.com/
14. 6062: http://www.google.com.au/
15. 6027: http://aolsearch.aol.com/
16. 5135: http://www.tiger.mu.nu/
17. 4969: http://munuviana.mu.nu/
18. 4943: http://www.whotendsthefires.us/
19. 4472: http://www.mudvillegazette.com/
20. 4003: http://www.silverblue.org/
21. 3708: http://www.accidentalverbosity.com/
22. 3207: http://www.outsidethebeltway.com/
23. 3054: http://practicalpenumbra.mu.nu/
24. 2940: http://216.239.37.104/ [Google]
25. 2853: http://www.google.de/
26. 2762: http://216.239.39.104/ [Google]
27. 2269: http://ripples.typepad.com/
28. 2234: http://www.google.it/
29. 2141: http://rocketjones.mu.nu/
30. 1926: http://pp.mu.nu/

The only real surprises to me from this, at least at first glace, is that OzGuru is not among the leaders and that #8 is there at all. I visited that page when I saw that, and I remember havin' been there previously for some reason, but I could not understand why I was gettin' such a large amount of referrals from a site that I think is a Chinese site sellin' dog products. Of course, with all the other mysterious happenin's about the blogosphere, I doubt this one rates high. But it sure does make me pause for wonder.

I also wonder at this number: 43232, because that is supposedly the number of visitors I have gotten since I moved to Munu in February. SiteMeter is fried, I tell ya -- I am not even sure it is worthwhile to use. The only thing that halfway makes it usable is that so many other people use it, and supposedly the same errors effect us all, so it is a worthwhile indicator for using to compare your numbers to those others usin' it. That sole function does seem to be the one feature of the NZB ecosystem that is still functionin' at this time.

Hey, I do my fair share of linkin' to the good stuff, right?*

A gift from zombyboy.

*Of course, who am I to cry about hardly anyone linkin' to me?

Let's all give conspiracy theorists a field day

It can now be revealed Herman Munster's staccato laughter was actually morse [sic] coded messages to Nazi Hitler clones in Brazil. They had it dubbed in Polish and retranslated into Portugese [sic] to throw off Bobby Kennedy, The Justice League and the 1969 NY Mets.

Oh, and I'm a large grey squirrel with crooked teeth and a rash shaped like Patrick Ewing's head on my posterior. - Hudson

Wake me when June 30th rolls around

Thanks to Ghost of a Flea, I was turned on to a very nice interview of Bruce Campbell, Ash of Army of Darkness and creator of Bubba Ho-Tep, which additionally disclosed that he had his very own website. Bein' my usual brain dead self to certain details, I was unaware that there was the very special kinship between Bruce and Sam Raimi, but it appears that they go way way back.* Anyway, Bruce was absolutely ravin' 'bout the trailer for Spider-Man 2:

[T]he trailer was still the coolest thing to happen to the world since penicillin. So, if you're one of the seven people who haven't seen it, watch it now . . . .

Well, let me be the first to inform ya that the trailer sent chills down my spine. Now I ain't gonna be happy waitin' 'til the openin' on June 30.

OTB Traffic Jam

*See the extended entry for a listing of their joint ventures as returned by a search on imdb.com.

Joint Ventures

Here are the titles which credit the individuals

• Sam Raimi (I)
,
• Bruce Campbell (I)

1. "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys" (1995)
2. "Jack of All Trades" (2000)
3. "Xena: Warrior Princess" (1995)
4. Army of Darkness (1993) 7.3/10 (17870 votes)
5. Crimewave (1985/I) 5.5/10 (527 votes)
6. Darkman (1990) 6.0/10 (4981 votes)
7. Dead Next Door, The (1988) 4.8/10 (220 votes)
8. Easy Wheels (1989) 3.3/10 (39 votes)
9. Evil Dead II (1987) 7.6/10 (12453 votes)
10. Evil Dead, The (1981) 7.3/10 (10872 votes)
11. Hudsucker Proxy, The (1994) 7.4/10 (10627 votes)
12. Intruder (1988) 5.1/10 (203 votes)
13. It's Murder! (1977)
14. Lunatics: A Love Story (1991) 5.4/10 (115 votes)
15. Maniac Cop (1988) 4.9/10 (510 votes)
16. Maniac Cop 2 (1990) 4.3/10 (267 votes)
17. Nutt House, The (1992) 3.0/10 (86 votes)
18. Quick and the Dead, The (1995) 6.0/10 (7059 votes)
19. Spider-Man (2002) 7.4/10 (47530 votes)
20. Spider-Man 2 (2004)
21. Stryker's War (1985) 5.6/10 (121 votes)
22. Within the Woods (1978) 7.0/10 (241 votes)

"Making of" and video game projects were deleted from the actual list of returns on the search.

An Army Energizer Bunny®, he just keeps goin' & goin' & goin'

Griffin said his 40 years of service has helped him more fully appreciate how wonderful the Soldiers really are, and has also allowed him to see the Army develop into what it is today.

“There cannot be any better cross-section of America and I think the Soldiers represent the best we have,” Griffin said. “Today’s Soldiers are brighter and smarter, perhaps in a different way, than past generations because they’ve been brought up in the computer and information age.”

---

“The Army doesn’t have enough older folks,” Griffin said. “There’s nobody around to talk about history or to give perspective.”

Griffin said the Soldiers like the stories and experience, and are comfortable having someone around who has lived through what they live through, who can share their fears and anxieties.

The laughs were literally comin' non-stop

I was literally fallin' outta my chair laughin' as I scrolled down the page lookin' at the stuff on this page: Why you should never put your picture on the Internet ...*

Then this one, you gotta catch while it is red hot**: OldCatman has created a hilarious parody of Friends usin' currently political figures, and ya'll need to see this one..

*Doncha hate it when you know you found the link to somethin' good somewhere, but for the life of ya, could not find or remember where? Feel free to pipe up if you are supposed get the credit for spottin' this one.

**Par for what you have come to expect, blog*spot's permalinks are on the fritz, so this is the Friday, May 14, 2004 entry. It is currently on the top of the page, hence red hot.

Please read --- someone's smile depends upon it

Everyone's favortie* favorite "jackass," Bill,** is askin' for donations to a worthwhile cause, Operation Smile. Go, do what ya can. Everyone deserves the right to smile, don't ya think?

*Dab nabbed by the spellin' police, dabnabbit.

**As opposed to myself who is likely referred to as a horse's ass quite often. ;)

Praiseworthy parable

Left in my inbox, courtesy of my Aunt 'Net:

MY ATTORNEY

After living what I felt was a "decent" life, my time on earth came to the end. The first thing I remember is sitting on a bench in the waiting room of what I thought to be a court house. The doors opened and I was instructed to come in and have a seat by the defense table. As I looked around I saw the "prosecutor." He was a villainous looking gent who snarled as he stared at me. He definitely was the most evil person I have ever seen. I sat down and looked to my left and there sat My Attorney, a kind and gentle looking man whose appearance seemed so familiar to me, I felt I knew Him.

The corner door flew open and there appeared the Judge in full flowing robes. He commanded an awesome presence as He moved across the room. I couldn't take my eyes off of Him. As He took His seat behind the bench, He said, "Let us begin." The prosecutor rose and said, "My name is Satan and I am here to show you why this man belongs in hell." He proceeded to tell of lies that I told, things that I stole, and in the past when I cheated others. Satan told of other horrible perversions that were once in my life and the more he spoke, the further down in my seat I sank. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't look at anyone, even my own Attorney, as the Devil told of sins that even I had completely forgotten about. As upset as I was at Satan for telling all these things about me, I was equally upset at My Attorney who sat there silently not offering any form of defense at all.

I know I had been guilty of those things, but I had done some good in my life - couldn't that at least equal out part of the harm I'd done? Satan finished with a fury and said, "This man belongs in hell, he is guilty of all that I have charged and there is not a person who can prove otherwise." When it was His turn, My Attorney first asked if He might approach the bench. The Judge allowed this over the strong objection of Satan, and beckoned Him to come forward. As He got up and started walking, I was able to see Him in His full splendor and majesty. I realized why He seemed so familiar; this was Jesus representing me, my Lord and my Savior. He stopped at the bench and softly said to the Judge, "Hi, Dad," and then He turned to address the court. "Satan was correct in saying that this man had sinned, I won't deny any of these allegations. And, yes, the wage of sin is death, and this man deserves to be punished." Jesus took a deep breath and turned to His Father with outstretched arms and proclaimed, "However, I died on the cross so that this person might have eternal life and he has accepted Me as his Savior, so he is Mine." My Lord continued with, "His name is written in the book of life and no one can snatch him from Me. Satan still does not understand yet. This man is not to be given justice, but rather mercy."

As Jesus sat down, He quietly paused, looked at His Father and said, "There is nothing else that needs to be done. I've done it all."

The Judge lifted His mighty hand and slammed the gavel down. The following words bellowed from His lips... "This man is free. The penalty for him has already been paid in full. Case dismissed."

As my Lord led me away, I could hear Satan ranting and raving, "I won't give up, I will win the next one." I asked Jesus as He gave me my instructions where to go next, "Have you ever lost a case?" Christ lovingly smiled and said, "Everyone that has come to Me and asked Me to represent them has received the same verdict as you, ~Paid In Full~

Happy Mother's Day - 2004!

Happy Mother's Day to all of ya'll mothers in the audience:*

Any lovely unattached heterosexual female dreamin' of becomin' a mother in time for next year's Mother's Day -- feel free to check the extended entry.

*The pictured tattoo does not belong to me. The owner of such tattoo is unknown to me. The picture was found via a simple search for items of such type.

We might need to talk. ;)

The selfless spirit is contagious

For those of you who support us in our endeavors, thank you from the bottom of our hearts and know that your support DOES make a difference to us. To those of you who do not, please sleep well and know that your bitter insults, narrow viewpoints, and indifference to the very real threat that exists make no impact whatsoever to our collective resolve to rid the world of those vermin who would take our freedom - yours included.

He's gotta be better than some, I guess

Iker Furmaniak [is this Kristopher in disguise?] reports on The World Around You that our ol' friend, Judge Roy Moore, formerly of the Alabama Supreme Court, whose fall from grace was due to his avowed belief that the Ten Commandments should remain in place despite the Federal courts having determined otherwise, is headin' for talk radio. He seriously has to be better than Al Franken.

Oh, what to do, what to do?

[beverage alert] Police perplexed, to say the least.

Sendin' Ted an OTB via RML-alanche.

Oh do I ever comb the depths of the blogosphere for ya'll

OK, this is just too humorous to pass up. Go see it.. It is on blog*spot, so you might have to scroll down until you see the picture of the fire on a post dated April 25, 2004.

There is sometimes good news to be found.

Viagra enhances a man's chances of becoming a father in more ways than one. The anti-impotence drug increases the motility of sperm and boosts its ability to bind to an egg, South African researchers report.

Kudos to new Munuvian Auterrific.

Keepin' your eye on the ball

Thanks to Mookie, I found somewhere to hit 100 mph fastballs into the bleachers. My long was 542 feet. I don't want to discuss my battin' average.

[UPDATE: My hand-to-eye coordination was slightly worse at this game found at Light & Dark comin' soon to the MUNU universe.]

"Request For Help from Marine Serving in Iraq"

Somethin' we can all do to assist the situation in Iraq that will not cost anyone a cent to do. Thank Kim Tim for bringin' it up.

Kudos to Larry Morin for having shined a spotlight on it so I could find it.

Oh, just go see it!

Eric has posted some pictures of a most amazin' project a truck drivin' couple came up with.*

*Excuse the danglin' participle, this time, please!

The time has come for the piper to be paid

Michael Jackson has been indicted. The Grand Jury says there is sufficient evidence to take him to trial for child molestation.

An unexpected find of a treasure chest

Oh My George! Mark Cuban has a weblog. I am in hog heaven, as I idolize Mark Cuban! I mean the guy found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and is havin' fun. He does not obsess about anythin' except about poor officiating in the NBA. I really loved the way he explained how that although he might be doin' a similar type show, he is nuthin' at all like Donald Trump, and dissed the Donald with kid gloves. Kudos Mark! Continue to live large. I was never a fan of pro basketball or of the Dallas Mavericks until you came along. You have brought fun to the sport and to the NBA.

Thank you, James, for pointin' the way! Unintentional Traffic Jam trackback, but stay and look around anyway!

"Ping mich an"

I don't know what it means*, but it sounds cool! Bloggwear, proof that the Germans take their bloggin' seriously.

Found via Noch'n Blogg, a link randomly clicked on the German Blogroll** on Blogeline's Journal.

*Accordin' to Babel Fish, it translates to "Ping me at" which is not quite as kinky as I had anticipated. Oh well!

**I aIn't nuthin' but curious at times. ;)

It sounded simply marvelous!

Evan had an opportunity to hear and meet Norman Mailer last evening. Some guys have all the fun!

Reaching brains from the corners of the world

You might have noticed that I recently added a second counter in the top left corner area. The second meter is via StatCounter. I had been told that it was more reliable than SiteMeter. From my own experience, I have found SiteMeter to be highly inconsistent and inoperative. StatCounter additionally gives a more complete look at the sources of those visitation numbers. I especially like to check the areas from which my visitors come. Check out the listing in the extended entry of the different cities* in which my recent visitors reside, or, at least, where their Internet providers are located.

*The listing is in order of the number of recent visits from that particular city with additional sorting by the time of the visit.

• Plano Texas United States
• Chicago Illinois United States
• Lufkin Texas United States
• Sundsvall Vasternorrlands Lan Sweden
• Kaiserslautern Rheinland-pfalz Germany
• Saint Ann Missouri United States
• Rotterdam Zuid-holland Netherlands
• San Diego California United States
• Atlanta Georgia United States
• Nashville Tennessee United States
• Hanoi Ha Noi Viet Nam
• Bremerhaven Bremen Germany
• Kewaskum Wisconsin United States
• Greensburg Pennsylvania United States
• Los Angeles California United States
• Oklahoma City Oklahoma United States
• Stoneham Massachusetts United States
• Livonia Michigan United States
• Redlands California United States
• Nashua New Hampshire United States
• Westbury New York United States
• Minneapolis Minnesota United States
• San Jose California United States
• Danbury Connecticut United States
• Anderson Indiana United States
• Tulsa Oklahoma United States
• Milwaukee Wisconsin United States
• Austin Texas United States
• Zagreb Grad Zagreb Croatia
• Rome Lazio Italy
• Green Bay Wisconsin United States
• Charlotte North Carolina United States
• Maynard Massachusetts United States
• Brooklyn New York United States
• Tucson Arizona United States
• Shaw Afb South Carolina United States
• Hampton Virginia United States
• Fort Worth Texas United States
• Akron Ohio United States
• State College Pennsylvania United States
• Dover Delaware United States
• Federal Way Washington United States
• Miami Florida United States
• Baltimore Maryland United States
• San Francisco California United States
• Glendale Arizona United States
• Virginia Beach Virginia United States
• Cranbury New Jersey United States
• Fort Lauderdale Florida United States
• Fontana California United States
• Columbia Missouri United States
• Fairview Heights Illinois United States
• Cleveland Ohio United States
• Newark New Jersey United States
• Sterling Virginia United States

But it truly only hurts momentairly and then you get your 72 virgins

I think I might have alluded to this somewhere yesterday, but this is the full body of the email I received from my sister, yesterday:

MID-EAST MYSTERY

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now:

No Jesus, No television, No cheerleaders,

No baseball, No football, No basketball,

No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties.

No Home Depot.

No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks, No gumbo, No jambalaya.

More than one wife.

Rag for clothes and diapers for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next door because he's sick and there are no doctors.

Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

No chocolate chip cookies.

No Christmas.

You can't shave. Your wives can't shave.

You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, "IS THERE A MYSTERY HERE?"

It's almost a Navel Gazin' Report ... no Navel involvement

You seem to hit those flat spots from time to time when there seems to be nothing on your mind new enough or important enough to share, or nothing you really feel like commentin' 'bout. I seem to have hit one of those doldrums the last few days. Thankfully, Saturdays are so slow anyway, I doubt anyone even noticed I posted nothing on that day. Thankfully my Eye on Opus™ carried Sunday as well as that stupid email I got. Today, my secretary was out, so as Murphy's Law would show, I was busy as a beaver answering the phone and had three new clients come in today. One is a criminal case and I signed him up. The other two were divorce cases, and supposedly they will be back as soon as they get paid to allow me to start on the case. I also got a lot of paperwork done. Overall, I had a pretty productive day. That is the good side of today.

I woke up with a sinus headache, as there has been a lot of moisture in the air, just enough to make you think it was going to rain at sometime or the other over the last three days, but it never did. I do suppose there was just enough moisture to allow the mold to grow enough to spread it spores into the air, and that is the cause of my sinus problems. I was able to medicate myself enough that I made it through the day and am not feeling all that bad right now, although the pressure is starting to build up again. I will likely go sit in a hot tub of water for awhile and allow the steam to assist in relieving such. I might even take a couple more sinus tablets, as I probably already have enough in my system to keep me awake all night as usual. Of course, just as usual, I will be able to rest well anyway, so I will be refreshed enough tomorrow to go through my routine.

The downside of it all is that I just did not have time to read anyone's blogs, see what was new on the news or anything. About the only thing that came up I felt like sharing was this blog: Ramblings' Journal. I normally would not rave all that much about a blog*spot blog, and I did have to wait forever for it to load, but I found it to be consistently well written. The tagline tells you what you get:

Politically incorrect thoughts from the edge of Michael King's conservative black mind.

As a last note before I close this long ramblin' catchin' ya up on what is goin' on in my life post, I did think today's horoscope was rather bizarre:

Monday, April 19, 2004 - Your Monday horoscope, Taurus!
A friend will be congratulating you and you will not even hear the good news about yourself. Your internal focus is quite intense; take a break and join the world around you.

A tidbit from today's inbox

I just received the followin' from my now famous, as ya'll who regularly read this blog know, Aunt 'Net. Now I thought this was a thoroughly delightful ditty and had not seen it previously. As with all such things that I receive without some sign of attribution, I did a bit of research to determine whom might have authored this delightful poem. The only information I could find was "author unknown." Another thing that became readily apparent from my research. This little ditty has been floatin' around the Internet for a few years now. So, there are two mysteries* to solve in relation to this poem. Why don't ya'll have a look at Exhibit A:

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny,
But, to me, that is no joke.
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering,
If I really should be "there."
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain,
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away,
Where it is safe, but, see,
The person it is safest from,
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away,
I ask myself, "Who's that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better,
While my rememberer is broke.
It's driving me plumb crazy,
And that isn't any joke.

*1. Who authored this delightful poem and 2. Why, if it had been floatin' around the Internet for years and years, had I not previously seen such.

Misses the Truth, Fears the Truth, Speaks the Truth

An interesting comparison of what John Kerry, George W. and UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan had to say with regard to the situation in Iraq over these past two days to be seen over on King of Fools.

A handful of valuable Kudos go to OTB for the pointer to this interesting post. And, if you happen to see this James, you might want to note that I have changed the name of the blog and moved its locations, as well, and adjust your linkage accordingly.

"The real test of our metal..."

As always, Chief Wiggles gives us the eloquent voice of reason from the viewpoint of the U S Military on the ground in Iraq.

Saturday, April 10, 2004

In the midst of all the negative media coverage of a very difficult week in Iraq, I feel the need to express my inner most feelings regarding what is transpiring.

---

I have said all along that the situation in Iraq was going to get worse before it got better. The pieces of the puzzle were all there, with the forces of evil gathering their supporters daily and strengthening their ranks with insurgents from all over the region. There has been no shortage of money, weapons, corruption and criminals.

When you put it that way, it seems so clear

This post clearly and concisely explains and describes what is right about America and what is wrong with the Democrats' continued push to socialize our way of life. I applaud Nathan for his fine analysis and superb writing.

As dreams become reality . . .

Rocket Jones keeps an eye on anything dealin' with hockey rockets!. It seems that the Federal Aviation Administration has issued a one year license to allow a private spacecraft to reach the edge of space, about 60 miles up.

Ol' Mrs. Pate* would be so proud of me

Yes, I played the grammar game. Not only did I win the followin' prize, but I also found myself rewarded with a very good offer on a pharmaceutical product for which I have no use and an invitation to go gamble at some Internet Casino, both of which I graciously declined by closin' their respective pop-ups:

You are a GRAMMAR GOD!

If your mission in life is not already to preserve the English tongue, it should be.
Congratulations and thank you!
How grammatically sound are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ed. note: the displayed picture is not that which was actually awarded by Quizilla, but more closely resembles my ideal GRAMMAR GOD. This caricature is the very likeness of ol' Mrs. Pate when she spied someone a'danglin' a nasty participle or usin' the object case where the subject case was proper.

[UPDATE: I did forget to pay my attribution to Jim ... my sincerest apologies for my oversight]

*My 9th and 10th** grade English teacher.

**It was a very small school.

More from the Inbox

The other day, someone at the co-op read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farm house in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, "Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up, Milo?

It just so happened that I had saved something that had been e-mailed to me a few weeks ago. So, I printed off a copy and took it to him the next day. I smiled when I handed it to him and said, "I did have a drug problem when I wuz a kid growing up on the farm in southeast Kansas." Here's what the sheet said:

"I had a drug problem when I was young: My parents drug me to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for wedding and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults and teachers. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's soybean fields.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack or heroin, and if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America might be an even better place today

Is it really all jes' sumthin' in Ted's head

I was over at Ted's place 'cause I wanted to see what kind of a BestOfMe Symphony a flu-afflicted* rocket jockey would post. There were some pretty interestin' links and stories to see, but I think what I liked best was the Ted's newest title graphic, surely the best yet! Also, I was rollin' 'round laughin' when I got to the end of the saga on this page that he linked on the previous post.

*Jim provided the scent about the illness dilemma.

Somethin' from the very bottom of the Inbox

OK, here is an interestin' presentation of "The Interview with God," an anonymous poetic piece. The message is inspirational and the accompanyin' photography is breathtakin'. It won't take ya'll but a minute or so, and I am almost sure you will be glad you took the time. I played it all the way through a couple of times.

The astrological forecast is bright!

Your Monday horoscope, Taurus! Strive to remember the big picture, as the future looks bright ahead. A possible soulmate will remind you he or she has been there for you already. Commitment is coming.

Wrong hat again!

Dang that Susie, I was gonna do Rocky & Bullwinkle when it came time for me to host the Carnival of the Vanities. Now I will have to go to plan 9 from outer space. Speakin' of the Carnival of the Vanities, I better let the guys know I have relocated, huh?

This might be the best one

I have had a long long day, what with startin' the mornin' standin' in front of a judge. At least, though, the divorce is finally over. I guess, I should have been elated, but I then found myself in the midst of a bunch of hungry Lions Thankfully they seemed to find somethin' better to dine upon than my scrawny bones and after only an hour or so, I was able to extricate myself. Just as I thought I had reached a zone of safety, however, I was captured and forced into labor. Luckily, I escaped another predicament without too much difficulty but figured it might be best to get out of dodge, so I immediately left the local area. I drove a half hour to a neighborin' village, and soon found myself awash in a mound of paperwork. I ended up by spendin' two and half hours inside their local jail. I decided I had actually been better off in my hometown and returned to the office to get some of the work done that I was unable to accomplish durin' my day. And just what do I find in my inbox? An attorney joke:

During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.

The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type, well spoken and poised.

The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster." "Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."

Happy St. Patty's Day

The things your friends never tell ya

Congratulations to Susie for bein' named among the top 100 of the most influential reporters and bloggers on the web. So, Susie, why did you keep this a secret from me?

Lookin' for a question just beggin' to be answered?

Don't miss SilverBlue's Final Thought for tonight.

See what happens when ya don't read your SPAM --

I got this from my friend Frank:

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the hell?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.*

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

*One might wonder what he normally expects to find inside his underwear, as I am not aware it is a normal procedure to shake your underwear before donnin' such.

If the title fits, then who's got the shits*

What the fork is it that some people just don't get it. Blogger sucks, even BloggerPro. OK, so ya are like gonna have to look around for a post with a title longer than most of mine: It's Been So Long That I Can't Even Remember If He Was Guilty, But I'm Guessing, Yeah, He Was Pretty Guilty, but the search will be worth it. I PROMISE! **

PERSONAL TO BUNSEN: That footnotin' on blog entries gag is so blase' that only a handful of really lame idiots are still doin' it.

*I know that title sucks, but it was all I could think of in a pinch. I am takin' title suggestions in the comments, though. ;)

**Have I ever led ya astray?

Oh crud, I think I missed the damn boat again or another day in paradise*

Oh my, I completely overlooked Annika's Blogiversary yesterday. It is hard to believe that she is older than I and still looks so maaavelous. I guess it is a good thing I was searchin' some blogs to see where I saw somethin' yesterday or I mighta missed the pointer to this grand occasion at Zombyboy's place.

*Ain't anyone ever gonna collect those valuable kudos on this easy challenge?

Could they ever make votin' any more confusin'?

click to enlarge

I snagged this one from American Realpolitik: Mornin' Comics - Tuesday, March 09, 2004

I need to thank The Lopsided Poopdeck for providin' the drivin' directions to get there.

Wishin' a Happy Blogiversary to the Queen of Snark

OK, Kate ain't mentioned nuthin' but Kevin Aylward says today is the first anniversary of Electric Venom. Accordin' to Kevin, this is the beginnin' of what was to be.

Woo Hoo, Ya, ya, ya!

Today is the First Year Blogiversary of Suburban Blight. Congratulations Kelley!

I am too damn dumbfounded to think up a snappy title

OK, Susie thinks she is the last one on the meme train for the Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You? quiz. WRONG! I am sure that I will now have to take the damn quiz, as I always want to be the caboose. I dunno what it is about the thought of someone wantin' to come in behind me to join up on the end of the train. I am utterly confused about what kind of connectors are involved? However, I also hate Latin. That is one of the reasons I didn't become a priest. The other one is that I am not Catholic.

Furnulum pani nolo.
"I don't want a toaster."
Generally, things (like this quiz) tend to tick you
off. You have contemplated doing grievous
bodily harm to door-to-door salesmen.


Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Wow, talk about one of the stupidest quizzes ever with some of the stupidest questions ever asked in a forkin' quiz, and then the damn thing rings the forkin' bell and hits me right on. Who the fork woulda ever thunk it?

"You can get a $550, 4GB Hitachi MicroDrive for $200"

All ya gotta do is buy the Creative Muvo MP3 player for $200, bust that puppy open and remove the $550 4GB Hitachi MicroDrive inside. And who the fork says geeks aren't smart. Of course, now that I have spread the news to the whole world,* you can bet the price of those Creative Muvo MP3 players ain't gonna be $200 for long. Run to Fry's, CompUSA, MicroCenter, wherever like PDQ, boys and girls.

*At the very least, I spread the word to the two or three people who accidentally wandered in and read this post.

A truly interestin' and amazin' place to visit

Thanks to Squishybear, I have just spent the last half hour visitin' the area around Chernobyl vicariously though PRIPYAT ghost town (1970-1986). Some of the interestin' commentary:*

marauders in radiation poluted area are not just a regular marauders, they don't steal stuff for themselves. There were cases of radiactive tv sets and other stuff being sold on city second hand markets and then police shot 7 or 8 of them and it helped

and

Actually, some people coming back to their homes and settle down, those mostly old people who do not care if they die today or tomorrow. important is to die at home.

and my favorite

Some tourists companies have been trying to arrange extrim tours in this town, but people- their customers scared and have been complaining about silence which is hard to stand in empty town.

There are lots of pictures and it is a truly amazin' retrospective view into one of the major man-made disasters of the last century. Some of ya'll might remember that I live less than 5 miles from a nuclear power plant, myself.

*Text was cut & pasted exactly as appeared on the site, complete with errors. Remember, however, that author is not from English speakin' country, so, in my opinion, did a good job of communicatin' with such language.

"I shall venture far to lend my assistance in a good cause"

OK, ever since I heard of the the hoodoo that was supposed to be goin' on in Luckenbach this weekend to commemorate the final defeat of those valiant defenders of the Alamo, I have been weighin' the factors involved in whether to make the choice to make that 3 hour trip or not. I was layin' in bed this mornin' thinkin' of what must have been goin' through the mind of some of those men who had travelled from places as far as Tennessee to meet their death tryin' to hold that fort against overwhelmin' odds. I decided any trauma or discomfort I might experience in makin' the arduous journey to join others in remembrance of those brave men who gave their lives so that Texas could be born.*

I will be gettin' close to Denita and Eric, so if'n ya read this Denita or Eric ... I might be droppin' by. I seem to have lost your phone number again, but I know where you live. If'n ya'll ain't there, it ain't no sweat, though. It ain't like I gave ya any advance notice. Anyway, need to hit the road, so ttffn™.

*My primary consideration is the high price of gasoline.

Crafted creatively , yet still ended up as a bunch of crud

Hey, I am tryin' to watch this,* but with the slow band dialup connection I have, I might never get it to play. Will someone watch it and tell me if it is funny? Speakin' of funny, ya'll gals will like this post of Sassy's.

*Hell, I ain't really sure the link will even work. I feel as pathetic as Bill Bill.***

**I damn sure do hope that damn link works, because my computer fuckin' froze up durin' the movie download.

***I bet there are those among you who have no idea what I go through to create these amazin' posts, huh?

The "Circle of Life" has nuthin' on the "Circle of E-mail Fowards"

Here is the good part of an email I received today. It was not attributed, as usual, and it is not the first time I have seen it. I highly suspect it is likely not your first time to see it either, but it is definitely a reminder about why we all seem to be so tired at the end of teach and every day and yet end up wonderin' why we seem to have accomplished so very very little.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye-they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table!, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

The executioner is workin' hard at sharpenin' his ax

OK, there is a blazin' thunderstorm outside, no one is out and about, and other than one caller attemptin' to make a collect call form a jail somewhere, it is quiet. Might as well catch ya'll up on why I feel like a turd floatin' in a crudper slowly spinnin' toward my eventual demise. Remember that trial that I was supposed to have yesterday. Well, the jury panel was millin' in the hallway, the court was ready to begin, the prosecutor was chompin' at his bits to win an easy case and look good for the voters and I was there to make a fool of myself defendin' an indefensible case ... and the defendant does not show up. Judge orders his arrest and sets his bonds at $30,000 each for a first offense DWI and misdemeanor Possession of MJ. The prospective jurors are dismissed and we all go our separate ways. I end up goin' to the court in the next town over and spending the rest of the mornin' workin' out a fairly good deal for another client. I come back after lunch and, before I get through the front door, my secretary says my client is in jail and is clamorin' about not havin' known of his trial date. She says she has looked all through his file, both paper and the computer database file and cannot locate where we had sent any notice of the trial date to him. It is just a regular procedure that when somethin' is calendared in the database, a court date letter is generated and mailed. It is as simple as pressin' a menu button labeled "ctdtltr." Doin' so, however, also generates a history entry that such letter was created and usually the letter is saved and its file location is also attached at a history entry. Neither of these entries was present. In most cases, my clients are incarcerated, so they are brought to court by order of the court and the few that are not in jail are regularly informed of their court date by their bondsmen, who have to pay a hefty fee to the court should these people fail to appear for their court dates. This client, however, had technically never been arrested and released on bond. He had been taken to a hospital on the night of the offense after havin' been involved in a serious accident and had been charged after his blood alcohol level had been discovered durin' treatment at the hospital. For all previous court appearances, the County Attorney's Office had provided him notice of his need to appear. They did not do so on this occasion, assumin' that I had done so upon receipt of the trial settin'. I actually should have done so, and my failure to have done so was an oversight. The client was pissed.

My first idea was to attempt to get him to agree to take probation, thinkin' the court would likely readily agree to such and we could get him released from jail on probation by the end of the afternoon. He is havin' none of that and is gettin' highly adversarial over the telephone, so I decide to go visit him. We have a very charged conversation in which he babbles somewhat incoherently about this and that and that he is bein' treated wrongfully and is not a criminal, etc. It becomes readily apparent that he is never gonna take responsibility for the actions that landed him in court and now in the jail. However, I do feel a bit responsible that he is in jail unable to be released because the amount of money needed to make the bond is unobtainable. As such, I run back to discuss the necessity for lowerin' same with the judge. He is gone for the day. crud, so I go back to the jail and give my client that piece of news, and he goes ballistic about havin' to spend the night in the jail. I get back to the office and his son comes in. I am so hopeful he is rational and can assist me in gettin' his father to understand that his case is not triable and that he should be agreeable to takin' probation, but the son is solely concerned about why his dad is in jail. Office closes and I go home, unable to do anythin' more for this guy.

I was up and out of the house at the crack of dawn this mornin' and was waiting at the door to the judge's chambers when his secretary came in. "He will be in a a few minutes," she says, already knowin' why I am there. I wait a couple of minutes and the phone rings, it is the judge. She tells him I am there and yada, yada, hangs up. "He is ill and is not comin' in and said to talk to Ron [the current County Attorney and my current political opponent]. He thinks Ray [the guy who posts almost all the bonds for everyone arrested in our county] got him out." That sounded like a possibility and was easy enough to confirm, so I ran back here to the office and called the jail. "Is [name of client] there?" "No, did you want to talk to him?" "No, just wanted to see if maybe he had been released, thanks." Click I go back to the judge's secretary, tell her that my guy is still in the jail and could she call the Judge back and let him know. "Be sure to tell him that it was my fault that he didn't get notice." She calls, discusses the situation with the Judge. I hear mostly a series of "Uh huh's" before she hangs up. "The Judge is very ill with a stomach virus and says he thinks [name of client] is partly to blame for not keepin' touch with your office. [I heartily agree with this assessment, as this client has not been good about comin' in or callin', but still ...] He said he might feel better this afternoon and think about it. Right now, he is too sick to worry about it." I went to the jail and pass that information along to the client. That did not improve his disposition one bit.

I came back to the office and found that the settin's in the next county that are usually set for 1:30p.m. had been moved to this mornin' so that the judge could leave early for some reason. So off I go to the neighborin' county so I could wait around for 2 hours to pass two cases, which took all of two minutes. Then I went to lunch, and was headin' back when I forgot there was some other papers I wanted to drop off in a probate matter, and a couple of questions my client wanted me to ask the judge, so I went back to the courthouse and waiting around another 45 minutes until that court reconvened after its lunch break for that 3 minute conversation. I doive back to the office in a blindin' thunderstorm and end up passin' my secretary as I pull into parkin' lot of my friend's store to fill my Dr. Pepper™ cup. She flips around and pulls in to tell me that she is leavin' early due to the storm. Whatever. She has been fendin' a lot of the garbage associated with the fiasco for the past two days, so deserved a break anyway, and it is not like anyone is likely to venture out into this mess to visit their attorney's office. I ask her if she had heard any news, "Nope, been quiet." Last thing I remember when I left the jail after visitin' with the agitated man was that he had asked to be allowed to call Ray. I was so hopeful he had just bonded out of jail and the rest of this could sort itself out ... but, alas, I no sooner sat down than the phone rang. It was his son. He said he had just spoken to his dad in the jail and was there any news. I was waitin' for a break in the storm to walk across the street to the Court Annex Buildin' to see if the Judge was in. It seems pretty quiet out there now, so I guess I will go make that trip.

[UPDATE: Judge is unreachable, per the Judge's Secretary. Try back in the morning was her suggestion. I do not think I will pass this word along to the agitated man, as I am sure he will get the idea when he does not get out today. I then thought that I could at least call the jail and have the jailer pass the bad news along to him and was lookin' up the number when, as chance would have it, the son of the agitated man called to inquire if there was anything new. I gave him the bad news, told him I was pissed about the situation, and that I was just fixin' to call his dad to pass along the info, but that I would just let him do so. I am tellin' ya'll, this matter is startin' to get really ugly.]

Hot Damn!

Who wouldn't want to see some hot babe in a sexy outfit like this walkin' toward ya on your weddin' day? It would be some kind of a pastor who wouldn't get a woody with this bride comin' up the aisle.

Who doesn't favor friendly lawyers over grouchy lawyers?

I think I really like this guy! I found him because he commented to this post of mine, and I always figure if someone leaves a callin' card, go pay a visit. I have even found myself so single-minded in this habit, that I occasionally find myself of some comment spammer's site. I cannot tell you how little I relish doin' that, but I digress, as seems to be my habit, huh?

Well, anyway, so, as I was sayin', I went for a visit ... I just walked in the door and found myself in the middle of a discussion of a lawyer that also writes books and seems to have published a few. My eye caught sight of the name of Johnnie Cochran* and I strained my neck to try to discover what was up with that. And then I found A Public Service Announcement to the Readers of this Blawg. This paragraph clinched my decision to give his blog a place on my blogroll:

The purpose of this disclaimer is to state the author’s biases. The author of this blawg is a lawyer. As a lawyer, he is biased in favor of other lawyers or anyone studying to become a lawyer. If forced to choose between a lawyer and anyone else, he will usually choose the lawyer. However, even though he is friends with lawyers everywhere, he is not a member of any conspiracy by lawyers to take over either the country or the world. Although he does desire power and control, he mostly wants it over his wife. He fully understands that even in this department, the best he can hope to achieve is some freedom of movement around the house while she is sleeping. Even this will happen only if he’s very quiet.

In this single paragraph I found proof that he was a very affable fellow, had a sharp wit, and was damn smart when it came to women.

Please welcome to my blogroll Notes from the (Legal) Underground, written, produced, directed and music arranged by Evan Schaeffer, Esq.

*If'n ya ain't got no idea who the fork Johnnie Cochran** is, you missed the trial of the 1990's.***

**Yeah, I know ever'one knows who Johnnie Cochran is, but I couldn't find nuthin' else inane enough to footnote.

***I started to say the Trial of the Century, but I still gotta give that one to the Scopes Trial 'cause, I mean, who doesn't like a good legal tussel involvin' monkeys and preachers and the two best lawyers in the country at the time goin' head to head.

Turnin' around and watchin' some planets bein' birthed

Science continues to evolve, it seems. Technology has provided the means for astronomers to observe the formation of planets around a star 33 light years away.

Tony keeps any eye out so we never miss anythin' new or amazin'. Thanks Tony.

SilverBlue missed one

I found a very humorous cartoon posted on James' blog, Parkway Rest Stop.

It's time to celebrate!

Happy Texas Independence Day ya'll!

The radio DJ said they are gonna be havin' a bit Texas Independence Day/Alamo remembrance whoop-de-do this Saturday* in Luckenbach. If'n I can figure out a way to get away, I might just make an appearance. It might be somewhere for ya'll to go, if ya are close. ;)

*Saturday is the anniversary of the fall of the Alamo.

[UPDATE: Scott posted William Barret Travis' letter askin' for reinforcements for the Alamo.]

Now this is very interestin'

Seems there is a list of Alcohoroscopes makin' the rounds via email, accordin' to poor ill Lizz of blue socks. I hadn't seen such email,* but thankfully Lizz saw fit to print the whole listin'. This is the only one that pertains to me:

Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

Susie might be interested in knowin' LIzz confirms that two people can fit in a single bed.

*As Lizz is another of those people who live in the future,** it may just be that receivin' this email is somethin' to which I can look forward.

**See the comments to this post.

Another gem from the inbox I thought I would share

I really liked this one:

The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window. "I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

"Mrs.. Jones, you haven't seen the room .... just wait."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away ... just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account ... you withdraw from what you've put in."

So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories. Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

• Free your heart from hatred.
• Free your mind from worries.
• Live simply.
• Give more.
• Expect less

Forward March!

Well, hopefully we all survived that quantum leap in time yesterday while the world stood still as Ol' Man Winter delayed in packin' his bags so as to finally depart and allow life to Spring anew. Today's temperatures here are forecast to be somewhere in the 70s. What's your weather like for the 1st* day of March?

*Ya'll Aussies and Kiwis and such can tell us what it was like yesterday, if ya wish. ;)

I knew rubbin' on that lamp would work!

Renee Zellweger won!

[UPDATE: 10 for ROTK so far, will it take Best Picture?]

[UPDATE II: I had hardly gotten that last update posted when the news was in ... 11 Oscars for Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King -- congrats to Peter Jackson and the entire crew --- they finally got one for the last round.]

Things to think about when you think life is goin' to the dogs

36 Ways Dogs are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
4. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
5. Dogs don't criticize your friends.
6. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
7. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
8. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
9. Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
10. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
11. No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
12. You can train a dog.
13. Dogs are easy to buy for.
14. Dogs are good with kids.
15. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
16. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
17. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
18. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK). The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
19. Dogs understand what 'no' means.
20. Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
21. Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
22. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
23. Dogs do not read at the table.
24. Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
25. You can house train a dog.
26. You can force a dog to take a bath.
27. Dogs don't correct your stories.
28. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
29. Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
30. Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
31. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
32. Dogs look at your eyes.
33. Dogs like your size.
34. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
35. Dogs are nice to your relatives.
36. Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.

48 Reasons Why Dogs are Better Than Women

1. Dogs don't cry.
2. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
3. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
4. Dogs think you sing great.
5. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
6. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
7. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
8. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
9. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
10. Dogs are excited by rough play.
11. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
12. Dogs understand that farts are funny.
13. Dogs love red meat.
14. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
15. Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
16. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
17. Dogs don't shop.
18. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
19. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
20. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
21. A dog's parents never visit.
22. Dogs love long car trips.
23. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
24. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
25. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
26. Dogs like beer.
27. Dogs don't hate their bodies.
28. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
29. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
30. Dogs never criticize.
31. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
32. Dogs never expect gifts.
33. It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
34. Dogs don't worry about germs.
35. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
36. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
37. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
38. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
39. You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
40. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
41. Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
42. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
43. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
44. Dogs can't talk.
45. Dogs aren't catty.
46. Dogs seldom outlive you.

I just couldn't let go for the very life of me

And Yea it sayeth that .... yada yada yada

I am sorry, but my utterly inquisitive nature finds this post and the followin' comments to be most interestin'. Thanks to James not Joyce Joyner for leadin' me swiftly into the valley of the righteous and the other righteous.

Live Long and Prosper, Ya'll*

You're a Vulcan! Cool and collected, you represent
the epitome of self control.


What Star Trek Race Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thanks to my Human friend, Jen, for enlightenment in my darkest hour.

*I shall now retire to my quarters and endulge in Pon Farr with this beautiful creature from another planet.**

**Picture link was extracted through mind meld with Da Commissar.

I wish I was in the land of cotton Dr. Pepper®

75% (Dixie). That is a pretty strong Southern score!

Well Hell Yeah! I think I woulda scored a bit higher if'n I called a creek a crick, but then, ya'll do know that I ain't 'zactly a hick? So, what 'r you, a damn Yankee or a son or daughter of Dixie?

Kudos to SilverBlue for leadin' the way.

This one has gone around a few times before - and still rings pretty true in the end

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,136,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day!

By the way, did I fail to mention that I have been sitting on the second floor for years waitin' for those elevator doors to open. I might have made it up to one of the higher floors, but you have to be extremely good lookin' to advance above the second floor.

Anyone in the market for a new hat?

New Boots . . .

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

Yes! Pumps fist!

Renée Zellweger was nominated for her role in Cold Mountain. I told you she deserved the award for that role, remember? Of course, it did not draw the number of nominations some people, includin' myself, thought it should have gotten. Still, Renée is the cutest thing with breasts on the planet, so I am ecstatic that she got the recognition she deserved, 'specially after havin' been passed over for playin' Roxie!, the dazzlin' jazz dreamin' murderess in last year's Best Picture winner, Chicago. It is so funny that the only reason I bought Chicago was because it won the Best Picture award, and, as some of ya'll know, I am only about 6 or 7 movies short of owning all of the Best Picture winners. I had not seen it theatrically, because it was a musical and I usually am not that fond of musicals. However, as I bought it, I watched it, and I have now watched it more times that any movie in my collection. It is definitely among my all time favorite moves now. A lot has to do with Renée Zellweger, but there is also the fact that all the music is jazz and I love jazz, and it is a good roarin' twenties situation, an era a jazz lover like me is fascinated about, all the actin' was superb, and the costumes were fabulous. It is definitely one of the Best Movies of all time, and despite the fact that I pulled for LOTR last year, as I had the year before, I do think the right movie won last year --- now! Renée Zellweger deserves the award this year, academy --- are ya listenin'?

Yeah, it could work and fits wel with my lifestyle

To Get More Exercise and My New Schedule

Monday
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.

Thursday
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.

Friday
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.

Saturday
Pick up the pieces.
Whew! What a workout!

I authorized any of you to use this program, and to pass it along to others whose physicians may have recommended an exercise regimen.

It just brought tears to my eyes

Ya know, if there is one person in the blogosphere of which I am most jealous, it is Michele. Our bloggin' consistency is about equal, I opine that our blurbs are equally as interestin' since we both admittedly write crud, but she gets tons more readers and comments than I do. I have tried and tried to understand just what I wasn't doin' that she was doin'. Well, I now know why I had such a hard time with that problem. I ain't been bloggin' yet a year and Michele just ended her third year of bloggin'. Now I don't feel so bad, because all this time I was an infant tryin' to be a three-year-old. If I haven't learned nuthin' in my almost half-century of life, ya have to learn to crawl 'fore you can walk.

My sincerest congratulations, Michele. Your blog is what I want mine to be - the best crud in the blogosphere.

I guess I'm votin' in the New Blog Showcase

I have not been doin' my part in votin' in the New Blog Showcase as it has turned into some kind of alliance competition thing, but how could I not link to somethin' called Trial Lawyer's Prayer?

Thanks to Susie, of course, for pointin' it out.

About Cowboys, Indians and cultural differences

LeeAnn has posted the most politically incorrect joke. I am still laughin'. Oh, and did I fail to mention that LeeAnn wants to invent a pill to assist people in growin' back hair. I ain't really wantin' hair on my back, so I will pass on takin' that pill.

Startin' Wednesday off with a prayer lesson?

I got this in my inbox today from my dear Aunt Jeanette, who my regular readers know sends me goodies from time to time. As is usual, however, I had to dig through 5 levels of message forwardin' to get to the actually thing bein' forwarded. And, as usual, there was no attribution disclosin' the author of this fine message. However, it is a gem, in my opinion:

5 Fingers of Prayer This is beautiful - and it is surely worth making the 5 finger prayer a part of our lives.

1. Your thumb is nearest to you. So begin your prayers by praying for those closest to you. They are the easiest to remember. To pray for our loved ones is, as C. S. Lewis once said, a "sweet duty."

2. The next finger is the pointing finger. Pray for those who teach, instruct and heal. This includes teachers, doctors, and ministers. They need support and wisdom in pointing others in the right direction. Keep them in your prayers.

3. The next finger is the tallest finger. It reminds us of our leaders.Pray for the president, leaders in business and industry, and administrators. These people shape our nation and guide public opinion.They need God's guidance.

4. The fourth finger is our ring finger. Surprising to many is the fact that this is our weakest finger; as any piano teacher will testify. It should remind us to pray for those who are weak, in trouble or in pain.They need your prayers day and night. You cannot pray too much for them.

5. And lastly comes our little finger; the smallest finger of all. Which is where we should place ourselves in relation to God and others. As the Bible says, "The least shall be the greatest among you." Your pinkie should remind you to pray for yourself. By the time you have prayed for the other four groups, your own needs will be put into proper perspective and you will be able to pray for yourself more effectively.

Should you find it hard to get to sleep tonight, just remember the homeless family who has no bed to lie in.

My favorite thing about the Internet

I am not sure how many of ya'll read Sassy's blog all that much, but I find it so intriguin' to hear about how things happen and effect the lives of those in different parts of the world. I mean today she had a post about a possible military junta to seize the power of the government and that she will not be feedin' her family chicken until the bird flu epidemic has passed even though the local chicken supply has been claimed to be unaffected.

I for one cannot even imagine thoughts of a military junta seizin' the power of government in the US, it is unthinkable. As for the bird flu, that story seems to becomin' somethin' like the mad cow disease and such, but I don't remember hearin' that much about anythin' doin' with out food supply much durin' most of my life.

I like readin' Sassy's blog mostly, I think, 'cause it reminds me of how much we in the United States take for granted for just bein' born here. Do ya realize that no one starves here because they have to ... I mean there is always some where to get a free meal here in the US. Ya might have to beg a bit or listen to some sermon on the how bad drinkin', druggin', forkin',* and suckin' are for ya and your immortal soul, but somewhere, someone is gonna give ya somethin' to eat. And that is really sayin' somethin', ain't it? We ain't had to eat one of our own kind here since the Donner party, unlike what ya can find in North Korea, these days.

Sassy, you take care of that family, gal.

*Zempt's spell checker suggested the word should be spelled forking.

Still tryin to win the Title

Well, still playing with the title graphic tryin' to please myself. I like this one a lot, though, so tell me, do ya'll think this one is better than the other one?

"I need some ribs"

This might be the funniest thing I have seen in a long while.

Muchas gracias, Jen!

Someone has dug up some good dirt

Now here is a good piece of investigative reportin'. Might be in line for a Pulitzer Prize, ya think?

Pickin' the hits

Just got my Friday joke list from George, but as the Friday Funny™ has come and gone, I didn't need to search for a good joke to share, Still, there was a list of bumper sticker sayin's or something, and I liked some of 'em much better than others. The ones I liked are:

• How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
• It's not easy getting a parking ticket downtown lately. First you have to find somewhere to park.
• A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
and
• Once there was a woman who was an excellent housekeeper. Every time she got a divorce, she kept the house.

A snarkin' we will go

Oh, 'lest I forget, her Most Venomous Kate* has again snared a bunch of snarks and is makin' 'em sing for dinner. It is quite a show, so, scoot now, off ya go!

*No Virginia, I am not yet allowed to call her Snakilocks so quit rubbin' it in.

Stand back! I had pizza for lunch!

It* took every bit of will power I had to pass up on seein' what it was that Kelley was talkin' 'bout. It sounded so enticin' and interestin' from her descriptions, but, it sounded like I would have gotten entirely too much enjoyment out of it and probably have completely abandoned bloggin' tile I'd had my feel. I have found that the best way to beat addictions is to avoid the initial contact with the agent. The game sounds very addictive.

*Ya musta done a pretty poor job of re-readin' if ya miss seein' the first word in the post is misspelled.**

**I did, the first word has been edited.

Passin' along the PRAYER REQUEST

Captain Anonymous of the Lopsided Poopdeck has mentioned somethin' about the patient bein' in critical condition and askin' ya'll to pray for a quick recovery. I join him* in this effort.

*I am not firm in the belief that he is a he, for he may be a she. I am merely guessin'.

Somebody decided to ask the HARD QUESTIONS!

I ASKED the Democratic candidates for president to answer five fair but nonroutine queries, hoping that their answers might reveal something interesting about what makes them tick. Everyone except John Kerry replied. Sunday's column summarized the candidates' responses to the first two questions. Here's how they handled the others.

This is a most excellent read. Rob Sama provided the initial link.

I am #1 on the biggest story goin'

Yep, it is true: #1 for Google search on trevor richards african american and #3 on Google search for trevor richards omaha.

[UPDATE: I am #5 on the Google search for distinguished african american student award.]

I guess it sometimes pays to get out of bed in the mornin'

Oh now, this is a delightful announcement to hear if you are currently runnin' for political office:

Your Friday horoscope, Taurus! A new burst of popularity announces who you are to a large number of people. Find the ones who are most supportive and see what each of them can do for you. A struggle to move beyond just talking about things will ensue

It ain't really all that spooky when ya get right down to it.

Cool, I found this cool quiz over on Lee Ann's blog that she she[*] said she found on SilverBlue's blog. I went to SilverBlue's blog and looked and I didn't see that test, so now I am wonderin' why did LeeAnn make that up? I guess I don't know all that much about A Light Cycle. Maybe they make things up to generate the light necessary for them to do whatever it is that Light Cycles do. So anyway, it was a cool quiz. I took it and came up as Jetpac Man, of whom I know as much as I do about Light Cycles. Well, this was the coolest quiz ever, 'cause they don't make ya live with the results. They tell ya if ya ain't happy, to just cheat and pick the one ya like. Cool. I did. I liked this one:

I am a Pacman Ghost. I like to hang around with friends, chatting, dancing, all that sort of thing. We don't appreciate outsiders, and do our best to discourage others approaching us. I enjoy occasionally wandering around randomly, and often find that when I do so, I get to where I wanted to be. What Video Game Character Are You?

I would be blinky.

UPDATE: *I need to watch that stutterin'.

Here's a splendiferously great story

Kathy Kinsley pointed out this delightful story about how people can become family without needin' any blood ties.

My bloggin' today didn't hardly amount to a hill of beans

Hey, ya'll, I might have appeared to be havin' a down bloggin' day what with my startin' out the day really early already feelin' like crap, but actually, if ya remember, I was playin' it cool. C. G. Hill musta been feelin' his Wheaties, 'cause he was comin' up with all kinds of bloggy goodness. First of all, he reported that Oklahoma has gone a whole 250 days without havin' a solitary tornado, and if that fact alone was not amazin' enough, he ponders on what one person was actually seekin' when they entered the terms desperate unattractive dating into the Yahoo! search engine and further elaborates eloquently on the recent changes in his health insurance coverage after a swap in carriers.

He came down with an instant case of Cat Scratch Fever

Acidman comes back from vacation and immediately starts whinin' about crap.*

*cat crap.

Now they are talkin' my language

Your Thursday horoscope, Taurus! Correspondence with someone in a position of authority is favored. A chance to live out your dream is near yet elusive; playing it cool is the only possible path to success. If you look like you don't want it, there is a possibility of accomplishment.

I am all into playin' it cool!

There are some warped people in the world

Hey, got broadband? Check this out.

Thanks Stevie

Beaten up battlin' Babushkas

Have you ever wondered what kind of people actually inhabit Russia? Have ya wondered just what makes 'em tick? Have ya wondered how they live? Some Canadian guy* speaks out. Of course, the part I liked best really didn't have much to do with Russia:

The States backs us at the moment, but deep down we know that if they ever decide to march north in search of fresh water, timber or beaver hats we would not be able to fight like ‘Hero-city’ Moscow. Likely we would smile at them like idiots, thank them for their visit and then ask them to please go home.

*Herb G. Terry

attribution: Laughin' Wolf

They sure have toughened things up in the US Army.

OK, there is the supposedly really old list of 123 things that some guy was not allowed to do while he was in the Army. I think it is pretty strange that it has been around so long and I have not previously run across it on my regular surfin' adventures. However, what is even stranger is that No. 20* on the list was somethin' we was required to do when I was i the Army. Hell, we use to make 'em cry oui oui oui all the way home.

Thanks to Drumwaster for the link.

*Must not taunt the French any more.

Some really strange things happen to some people

There is a new guy workin' over on Dean's World, some guy callin' himself The Joker,* who has posted one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. I was laughin' so hard while I was readin' the story that my neighbors came a' knockin' to see what was makin' me laugh so hard. This is some funny crap.

*I was almost sure Batman had taken this guy out sometime ago.

eX-Lax for the Soul

Hey, ya'll, don't let anyone try to fool ya, but that Venomous Kate is a gutsy gal. Letter of the Day is X. She not only pulls it off, but manages to fit a link to one of my offerin's into the mix. Kudos Kate for a fine job! I think we need to consider enterin' letter of the day in the meme category for them bloggies next year. Of course, I feel obligated to play, but all I could think of is Xenon, and it ain't even linked to a blog.

I just got the most brilliant idea

I am thinkin' we ought to come up with a graveyard for dead blogs, like this one.

YES! I knew I was James Dean at heart!

Which Typical Anti-Hero Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thanks Stevie

The Illustrated SPAM

"Unrelenting Massive C*cks Destroy Innocent Pussies!" proclaimed the subject line of the message in the Inbox. What? Someone more inane than I concocted the truth of the story in Photo Shop.

I have ta thank Goldie for trackin' this story down.

What was it that Art Linkletter used to say?

I found somethin' in my inbox that I thought was worth sharin'. Yep, ya'll that read regularly probably already guessed I got this from my aunt.

Why Did God Make Mothers? And Other Difficult Questions Answered By Kids

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we we're getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?

1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it.

Then I found somethin' really funny, but ya gotta go to the extended entry for that one.

Let's get this one in line for rush hour.

The Pastor's Ass

A Pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was to much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was Buried the next day.

Who let the dogs out ? woof ! woof !

Kelley has given us the sac, but it ain't culled, it was just thrown out the back door. Ya'll better get over there and have a look 'fore the dogs get to it and it is chewed up beyond all recognition. I noticed she picked a couple of my earlier posts to display, along with some bitin' remarks that went for the jugular.

It ain't really so hard to do it if ya just try a little harder

A very interesting thought piece over on the Volokh Conspiracy on art, politics, genocide, blood, and ebony hair. Do click the links. You should always click the links. Then read it all and do a bit of thinkin'.

Do unto one another . . . and other stuff

The two of 'em do look great together, don't they?

Well, even an idiot can make a good guess

Hey, I might of been wrong on the Colts, but I was sure someday that James would move Parkway Rest Stop off of blog*spot. That day has come and gone and he is now bloggin' from his very own MT powered blog. The name's the same, but the address is in a swankier neighborhood.

At last word, blog*spot's longest remainin' occupant, Cracker Barrel Philosopher was without comment.

Newly added to the blogroll

Yes, people, I really do mean what I say here. What with it bein' a bit slow this mornin', today seemed like a good time to go down that long list of blogs that have linked to me that exists here, and to check out those ones that I do not recognize as bein' there previously. I found these few:

• The Lopsided Poopdeck, a great blog name that served to remind me that I did not really give a lot of thought to my own blog name when I began bloggin'. I found it to be a nice, clean, uncluttered blog, unlike my own. I found it interestin' and definitely worthy of a spot on my blogroll. Welcome, Lopsided Poopdeck.
• Pamibe, who has a picture of a weeniedog on her masthead, and bein' a weeniedog owner myself, that fact alone was her ticket to a place in the line. Also, we have become somewhat acquainted when she got involved with the reconstruction of the USURP site. I am glad to add Pam to my blogroll.
• Ripe Bananas, despite bein' a resident of blog*spot, made the list because I am on his list of fly friends and he resides in Dallas, which is my area. I am a bit confused how I became one of the fly friends, but suspect this is one of Eric's friends I met at Zane's birthday party, and if it is who I think it is, then I am glad to be called a friend.
• DanNews, another blogspot denizen, slid in because his tagline was good and he did a much better job on this week's Friday Five than I did, and he had a link to this*.
• The final one did not make it, but I doubt the blogger will be too upset about my decision. It is the original blog*spot blog for Between the Coasts

*You can just imagine how upset Susie will be about seein' a cat go up in a ball of fire.**

**The link provided in the previous footnote had no relevance to anythin' to do with the subject of cats.

Wonderful smells waftin' through the clear crisp mountain air

It is these kinds of things blogs were meant to showcase: Tink remembers a very special person in her life. Go share admiration for one worthy of such. My crap will wait.

I was shuckin' oysters and found this pearl

It seems it was not too easy for our troops in the early days of this current military campaign: U.S. Marine Corps Sgt. Jack Carillo, despite havin' been denied meanin'ful access to a camera, brings us his impressions of the life and movements of our glorious troops. His pictures show soldiers forced to share a single magazine, waitin' days and days to bathe. It is a most impressive display of 8 excellent drawin's, and standin' guy at a lonely outpost. It begins here. Go see, or you will hate yourself for missin' this opportunity.

Found it at Feste.

More interestin' crap* I found backtrackin' trackbacks

First of all, I would really like to know the back story on this case:

A young boy who raped a nine-year-old girl has been sentenced to 30 months detention.

Kyle Abdo, who was 11 at the time of the offence, is one of the youngest children ever to be have been convicted of such an offence in this country.

Sentencing Abdo, who is now aged 12, Judge Gerald Clifton said the boy raped the girl during a game of hide and seek.

He told the boy: "This was a bad offence. You hurt the girl in many ways and you have shown no remorse. You must be punished to reinforce the fact that this sort of behaviour is not accepted by decent people." He ordered that Abdo register as a sex offender for life and he lifted an order which had previously banned his identity from being published."

I am of the belief that havin' to register for life is a violation of the Cruel and Unusual Punishment Clause of the US Constitution, but this case was not in the US so our Constitution does not apply. However, being labeled for life in any situation is a life sentence whether you are incarcerated or not.

I do find this case very appalling and wonder what factors occurred that created this little monster. I don't think monsters like this are created in a vacuum. I am totally in agreement that 30 months detention is definitely merited.

I found the link on 2 Stupid 4 Words, a nice blog that does not utilize permalinks.** Too bad, because there is a another very entertaining' account of a grave situation the grumpy bunny faced in her past. I was mindful when readin' the account that had I been overhearin' that tale as one gal was tellin' another, I most likely would have shut it out. I almost did that while readin' it, but I am almost 50, and I really don't know all that much about those things. After readin' it, I am immensely glad of such.

I found 2 Stupid 4 Words through Lisa [Just a Girl].

Lisa also sent me*** to Geoffrey's post about the type of advertisements that are not allowed durin' the Super Bowl. Eric will likely be glad that they have decided to allow no "spin", yellow journalism, muckraking, use of roorback, etc. during commercials playin' during the game. Hooray!

*I use the term "crap" loosely here.

**A possible future member of the munu universe?

***although I would have stumbled across it eventually goin' through my blogroll. ;)

Susie on brothers, brothers-in-law, men in general and Annika*

OK, so Susie was thankin' everyone for sendin' her such warm wishes on her birthday yesterday.** She said a fun time was had by all, and that the most thoughtful gift was from her brother and his husband. I found that statement to be a bit shockin'. No, not that her brother has a husband, but that she assumes they gave more thought into their gift than did the person who showered her with kisses.***

The she advised all the gals that the quickest way to draw attention from the fellas was to raise the hood on their cars. I know this always gets my attention. It draws brother-in-laws like mayflies to a bug zapper. Uh, is the brother of your brother's husband, your brother-in-law? I am so easily confused now, what with all these modern relationships. I think my confusion started with all that confusion about whether Woody Allen's latest date was his step-daughter or his wife.

Then Susie blurbed the news that the most lovely and succulent Annika is finally movin' off of blog*spot and will become a member of the munu universe. I have previously awarded Pixy for havin' begun that venture. Annika confirmed the report, but said she is gonna be gone for a few days, startin' now!

OK, so this has been your in the field snarky inaniac™ givin' you the news from Suse ... you are now free to wander about and continue chattin' 'bout Michael Jackson and the multitude of idiots who think he is above reproach.**** Ta ta for now!

*That title ought to draw a few looks.

**Just one short day, it seems, after Emperor Misha's birthday.

***I mean, I don't even know where to find Hershey's Dark Chocolate kisses, and, in my opinion, such would be worth more than all the coffeemakers in the world, but then I don't drink coffee, do I? ;)

****OK, color me a true professional, 'cause, say Michael Jackson was to lay oh, somewhere in the neighborhood of $5,000,000.00 cash non-refundable retainer right on my desk, my opinion of his situation would be immediately changed. He has just become my client and ya'll all know how I feel about the rights of my clients.

spell check is my friend

Worthwhile readin' for your Saturday

It seems that Eric was up really early this mornin' with some serious thoughts on his mind about the lack of any meaningful faith in modern man. He eloquently posted his thoughts, and I have faith that you will use this opportunity to go peruse his fine offerin'. Go, really, ya know ya want to do so!

Just 'cause I know ya got nuthin' better to do

Singin' Hedgehogs on a platter. Strange sight and a very strange song that I found through Anna.*

*so ya know it's got to be good!

Yaay!

I'm 3K!!!

I'm also outta time, so ya'll just have to wait for Tig to explain for ya...

Rampagin' doctors searchin' for Uranus

Friday Funny™ will be comin' back tomorrow. However, if yore laughs won't wait until then, Ozguru has a listin' of Headlines from 2003 that should evoke a chuckle or two.

I got a winner this time!

I got appointed to a case today, a drug case. I knew the person, because she and I got a bit cross-wise when she hired me with a paltry $50 payment to represent her husband on a case where they found what was supposedly a hit of LSD in his wallet, which he admitted to havin', but told me it had been in his wallet for almost 10 years. I refused to waive indictment on his behalf, even though his wife, now my new client, begged me to do so, so that he could get out on probation and help her with the bills. I could not, in good conscience, do so, what with that supposed hit of LSD bein' so old, so told her that it was best that he just sit tight until the results from the State lab came back to tell us whether there was any LSD on the little tab of paper or not. She finally got disgusted, had him request a court appointed attorney, and just about the time he got involved, the results returned with no drugs found and the charges were dropped. I was right, but no one ever came to tell me thanks for not having done what they asked, waived indictment, not worried about the testin', and allowin' him to go on probation for the next few years.

OK, so she goes before the bench today, out on bond, and tells the judge she ain't workin' and cannot afford an attorney. This had occurred several times already, and each time the DA would object to an attorney bein' appointed, as the person always admitted they were lookin' for a job, so the judge would say get a job and hire an attorney before the next court date. This time the DA says, "Judge, she ain't gonna be free for very long, so I have no objection to the appointment of an attorney." My name came up, so up I go before the bench. The judge asks if I am willin' to be appointed to represent the lady, and I tell the judge that we had some past dealin's so I was not sure if the client wanted me. The client says she has no problems. I am pretty friendly with her dad, as he is the former lawn care guy for the courthouse area, and after I had found that everything I had suggested about her husband's former legal dilemma had come to pass just as I had suspected, and why I had suggested patience in the first place, I had told her father that I had never understood why she had been so upset that I did what I thought was best in the situation. I guess she came to realize such also. So, I was appointed.

Well, this is a boondoggle. I promise. Seems a couple was pulled over for makin' a turn without signalin'. Search of their vehicle reveals some pot and some meth. Bein' the choice citizens they were, they tell the cops that they got the stuff at my client's house. The deputies run down and get a warrant and go do a search on my client's residence and find a bit of stuff. They did not find what they thought they would find, I suspect, because my client says they spent a long time tearin' into walls in a couple of the bedrooms without findin' anythin'. My client signs a really damnin' written confession admittin' to a long term drug problem. The DA is plannin' on sendin' her to his favorite drug program, a 9 month in jail program. I am goin' through the file lookin' at my client's confession, the confessions of the idiots who fingered her place and I come across the warrant.

It ain't even close to what is required. It has no information about the place to be searched and the objects to be sought. It refers to the probable cause affidavit, but the law requires that the warrant contain these items. My client's confession and all of the evidence discovered inside of her residence are subject to bein' suppressed.

I thought the look on the assistant DA's face was a bit strange when he handed me a copy of that warrant after I asked him to make me a copy of such. He must have gotten a good look at it himself.

Somethin' I just noticed

At home, I've got this T-Shirt with the 3 Stooges all dressed up in suits and underneath it says: Dewey, Cheatum & Howe, Attorneys at Law. I love it, even though I burned a bleach hole in it almost as soon as I bought it. But that is not the thing I just noticed. I only brought that up because just as the name of the Law Firm on the shirt was humorous, one of the named attorneys in the letterhead on this letter sittin' on my desk is named Hartless. Great name for an attorney, doncha think?

Also, I posted this while still composin' the one below. I already posted it although it was not complete for reasons I will diviulge later. As such, do not be surprised if you see somethin' sayin' the blog had been updated but ya came and saw nuthin' new. There actually was, but it was just addin' a few more links to the Nuggets and Gems™

As usual, I am probably the last

But I just could not pass up on pointin' out this fabulous photo.

Can ya catch 'em all?

Yeah, I know ya had a really long day. Why doncha lay back and relax and play a vidoegame. Geoffrey found this one for ya'll.

Don't jump until the whales are outta the way

Is this the reason we ended up with blue cheese today?

Damn that monkey, he is divulgin' all our secrets

Read my tagline! I work hard to find the truth and I think I finally found it. If there was ever somethin' written by a blogger that was absolutely 100% true, this is it.

Dean found it first.

Interestin'ly enough, I just received this study data in my email inbox. It gives us a bit of insight into the female way of lookin' at things:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

I guess it could always be worse

I don't think I have yet encountered a day as bad as the one this guy had in my entire 48+ years:

REALLY BAD DAY.

This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, I discovered I had forgotten my wallet in it. At home I found my wife in bed with the mailman. So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life, and you show up and drink the damn poison!!

Poor guy!

I've got a good rope I could let him borrow.

I got it in my email from Cherry's Dadd. By the way, Cherry renamed Cherry's Ramblings to Revolving Corkscrew.

Somethin' just for my multitude of many 3 fans

I know ya'll been waitin' with baited breath to discover which movie I would be, ain't ya? OK, so here is the result:

What Classic Movie Are You?

Damn me and my compassion for others. I wanted to be Natural Born Killers. [as if!]

I got this at Dare my wild heart, but had seen it elsewhere.

They just don't make 'em like Alfred Pugh anymore

Now there is a story of a person who should not be overlooked over on the Patriette that ya really don't want to miss.

Catchin' up on stuff, alphabetically

Arm from a cadaver too 'gross'? Found: Signal+Noise

Burger King got hacked. Found: Enigmatic Musings of a Cynical Mind who has moved

Criminal practice vs civil practice. I wholehearted recommend any of you who enjoy my writin' 'bout my law practice to read this one. I believe it is right on point in my big city experience, but homey don't get to play that game in the small town.

Dreamin' of breakin' 50K by Jan. 26. Click through and give Ith's numbers a surge.

Excitin' times are had after kinks ironed out. Sounds like even the clouds had silver linings though.

Fabricated survey results were factored into in a judge's decision to move Scott Peterson's capital murder trial out of Modesto. Found: Jockularocracy

Gone? But the sentiment expressed is mirrored in my own thoughts often. Vaya con dios, mi amigo, if such be your wish.

Hard Nerd Test. Found Sekimori

Idiocy induced by mere words. I began readin' this and found myself halfway down beginnin' to realize I am an blabberin' idiot who knows nothin' 'bout anythin'. Thanks Pixy, I love ya! Ya can't legally purchase any drugs that could likewise produce such effect.

Jackass rents chest for advertisin' purposes. Found: Note-it-posts

Kangaroos - all the time whether ya want 'em or not. And to think, I actually started that mess. ;)

Laughed too loud, did I, when I read this line: Texas Governor Rick Perry has no Cambodian-Americans in high-level positions in state government. I am shocked, outraged, and disgustipated. I might oughtta be ashamed for laughin' at that but I am not quite sure exactly why I thought it was funny.

Monarch butterflies are just too cool! Found: Annika. Annika's back is cool too.

Natural high! Body manufactures chemical that produces cannabis type effect. Found: Hi. I'm Black! I also like Glenn's stance on the Pete Rose situation.

Online Poker? Oh please don't get me started.

Poll askin' if Bill should be fired from his own blog? Is Windrider goin' too far?

Quasi-legal squads raid street vendors. What next? Found: Reflections in d minor

Russian companies sold Saddam Hussein high-tech military equipment that threatened US forces during the invasion of Iraq last March. Found: triticale

SPAM - McGehee tries everythin', it seems.

Twisted Spinster, but I seemed to have come a bit late to the party.

Unorthodox comics. Found: LeeAnn

Voted Best Line in Debate: "I don't think that answers the questions ... I think you only need co-signers if your credit is bad." Found: Cathy in the Wright although I might have gotten there eventually on my own. ;)

Wise Man moves and changes his name. Face now shown on America's Most Wanted? He's Blogged & Dangerous.

X-ray machines at airports not yet capable of detecting idiots. Found: Margi Lowry

Ya'll are really gonna love this - LOTR as told by Dr. Seuss? Found: Right We Are!

ZZZZZZZZ Still no sign of Anna's return.

This post was slightly over 3 hours in the makin' and only one bag of fried pork skins and 18 ounces of Dr. Pepper were harmed.

Today's Horoscope says:

This is the luckiest day of the New Year so far. A romantic proposition is actually a chance to change the way you live. Assume that anything this big must be good and embrace the easy way up being offered.

I am so very hopeful this one has some validity, ya'll!

[My belly button is doin' fine, by the way, just in case anyone was really worried about there havin' been no Nightly Navel Gazin' Report™ for last night.]

Yeah, there is somethin' new on the left column

I saw it here, and who in the world would pass up on puttin' up such a good thing like that on their blog, right?

When ya look at it that way ---

I dunno, but when I see it presented just right, I see so much humor in politics. Thanks go to Rosemary for an excellent presentation!

I will claim my 15 minutes of fame right now

Additional studies will be conducted by UJ-Labs, however, preliminary results indicate that this phenomenon is genetic, thereby making Tiger the only known individual on the planet with this amazing gift.

Yep, accordin' to this story, there ain't nothin' on this planet better for keepin' ya lookin' young than ingestin' my semen prior to any exposure to air. Line up ladies, 'cause I feel socially compelled to assist as many of ya'll to keep your youthful looks as I possibly can.

I am gonna ponder what I am gonna do to my number one fan, Denita, for havin' brought my deepest darkest secret to light.

The quest continues

Well, 72 hours without a cigarette and I am still alive. I have heard that one of the other people who was supposed to give up smokin' on New Year's Day has already back-slided and resumed the habit. I have not been in touch with my other friend yet. It was funny how I was plannin' on usin' a whole different tactic involvin' the success of my friend as one essential facet of my stop smokin' plan. As it has evolved, the success of any other person is not essential to my kickin' the habit.

Denita, gum is not an option, but I did purchase several vials of peppermint oil and have been known to squirt a drop of such in my mouth to parry an urge here and there. David has, as usual, provided a top-notch suggestion which had not occurred to me. I will used some of my scattered thoughts to ponder upon it.

I again awoke with the strong urge to locate a cigarette and smoke it but found the urge was easily suppressed. Cool!

Awakenin' suddenly to find oneself lost in the world of 2004

Did ya ever wake up at 10:00 a.m. on New Year's Day naked, layin' in a bed full a bunch of naked people that you do not recognize, not havin' the foggiest notion where you are, how you came to be there, or anythin' that occurred since about 2:30 a.m.?

Have you ever seen a teenier one, ladies?

You know, I can appreciate a woman who knows how to take care of herself.

attribution: Steve

As Christmas nears

If ya are gettin' fed up Christmas present decisions and still need one for the person who has everythin', let me suggest that you buy this item for them.

A most extraordinary poetic post

Wow did Owen ever find a pearl in his email! Seriously, don't miss this one.

Leave it up to Anna

She is now makin' men jump through hoops solely to obtain the privilege of bein' allowed to give her gifts.

Takes a long time at 31.2Kps

I Eat People yelled LeeAnn.

Better 'n the toy in the bottom of the cereal box

OK, the long awaited interview of Tiger has been completed and is appearin' on Jennifer's History and Crap. Thanks to all of ya'll that thunk up the fuckin' hard questions, like I had any idea how to grow mushrooms in the dark, and to my gracious blogfriend Jennifer who does such a fine job of doin' these interviews and providin' us with all those nifty little glimpses into history and crap. Ya'll do need to be readin' her blog!

Just what ya'd 'spect from the 9th Cir.

Of course, sometimes even clowns can be geniuses. Hey, Ashcroft lost one in the Federal Courts, as the 9th Circuit rules that it ain't kosher to ban the use of marijuana for truly medical purposes. Follow the link to Talk Left to access the 9th Circuit's written decision in Raich v. Ashcroft, 03-15481.

Oh my, and in other Ashcroft news, a Detroit Federal Judge ain't too pleased with Ashcroft contemptuous actions in a case in his court. Thank Dawn of the link ot this one.

Is this the Daily Double or a Trifecta

Lisa has a great post tellin' us all why she is the right person doin' her job, but just below, she composed her top ten list of her responses to Saddam followin' his statement: I am Saddam Hussein, president of Iraq, and I am willing to negotiate. I think the next thing I mighta said after I heard that is Fire in the hole!

I am not sure I should mention* that she has humorously balloon blurbed a cute kitten pic.

*I don't want Susie to break her finger clickin' too fast tryin' to see it, ya know.

Bonzo B. Bellringer debuts

Well Kevin used it as the basis of his weekend caption contest and Steve claims it is Joan Rivers. When I forst saw this picture, the thoguht that immediately came to my mind was that the plot for The Santa Clause 3 was takin' a very strange twist.

I made dead people

This actually sounds more like me talkin' to myself than anythin' else. These types of conversations do exist inside my head. Go read it, really, its cool. I won't tell anyone.

Oops, credit an assist to Owen

Been there and done that --

James has somethin' I am sure you'll enjoy. I am tryin' desperately not to exceed the 2 star level ever again.

We have a 911 Pizza Emergency

Someone call the fire department. LeeAnn's cookin' again.

OK, so I lied

Sekimori linked to a funny animation of Gollum rappin'. See, there was somethin' to blog 'bout after all.

Dip in in breadin' and deep fry it and I will eat anythin'

Steve has posted a delicious recipe for killer whale. I wonder about Steve, but then I guess I ought to be glad he didn't purge me from his blogroll. I just wonder at what kind of idiots would beg for a reciprocal link from Steve and then remove the link to Steve at some later time. Heck, Steve is worth blogrollin' even if he doesn't link to you. He writes some funny crap!

Don't get mad, it is only a joke

Although it ain't Friday yet, I am sure ya'll are still up for a good joke. Rosemary is supplyin' this one. And if ya are really hard up for a laugh, Susie has recycled some really old email humor about men. ( Susie, please read the title before ya hit me )

Why are the pages of this catalog stuck together?

If Anna links it, is is usually good. I mean who better to describe the trauma associated with teenage wanker wankin' than someone called Dong?

What is it about Natalie?

I wanted to link one of the posts on Pickle Juice that had me crackin' up loud enough to draw the attention of my next door neighbor and landlord who thought I had decided to house a jackass in my office*, and yet could not locate just one. There was this one, and there was this one, and then there was this one. Ummm, actually I quit brayin' like a jackass when I got near the end of that last one because there was a mention of takin' a gulp out of a stale can of Coke sittin' on the counter. Last time I did that, I swallowed a couple of cigarette butts.

Anyway, since ya gave me the belly laughs, Natalie, I though I would attempt to repay the favor. So what do ya get if ya cross a reindeer with a pickle?

*There are those who are of the opinion there is a jackass in this office at all times I am occupyin' it.

I have a really big tool -- wanna see?

Yep, accordin' to one of my very favorite bloggers, David, my blog is a power tool. I 'spect mine is like a rusty chainsaw cuttin' though a dead armarillo sittin' in the middle of dirt road someplace. Now, forgive my humorous attempt here, because the post I am talkin' 'bout is a serious well-written post about the power of bloggin'. One thing that I thought was so true about the post was this:

It could be even be said, with some truth, that a vast number of weblogs have become part of the largest, unmoderated group therapy session in history.

There were also some great links to some other resources on bloggin' and such. A must read, I tell ya. So get over there and read it.

Oh, and for some bloggin' on tools, go see LeeAnn.

To boldly go to infinity and beyond

Yeah, yeah, I know I have said I am not the biggest fan of these quizzes, but it was Star Trek:

You are a Galaxy-class Explorer, a top of the line
luxury-liner with teeth. You prefer refinement
and appreciate beauty. You're well-apt at
diplomacy and are trusted to handle crises.
Despite a changing world with new, you still
have a reputation for unparalleled excellence.


Which Class of Federation Starship are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I am gonna be a millionaire

I am not a participant in the blog wars, but I do sometimes come across some of those Alliance assignments as a lot of my friends and favorite blogs are involved. I found one list today that intrigued me. Well, actually it was only item No. 6 that I liked, since I just bought the world-wide rights to sell pork-pie hats from Buster Keaton's heirs.

Oh, I did forget to give my good friend, Susie, who is likely mad at me because I have finally, with a lot of effort, climbed on top of her* credit for sendin' me to the place where I found the list.

*And now that I am here, I am hopin' she softens up a bit and we can have a bit of raunchy fun. ;)

Study in Black & White

Although I had seen this interactive Christmas animation last year, I am amazed as much about the talent displayed now as I was the very first time I viewed the artist's efforts.

attribution for reintroduction to the link: SilverBlue

Iraqis say Fuck Terrorism

Glenn has been keepin' a close eye on somethin' truly remarkable and the no pro-bush news coverage of the event.

[UPDATE: It seems everyone is on this story except the traditional media outlets. Closest to the story: ZEYAD and Omar. Other voices: Mama Bear & Kathy K; the Commissar; & Kevin Aylward so far. If you have posted somethin' on this story, feel free to add your link to the list by trackin' back to this blurb.]

Straight from my inbox to your eyes

I got this from my Aunt Jeanette. I am sure some of ya'll will enjoy this.

Subject: If I were Santa

If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do

I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you,

and deliver some things just inside your front door,

things you have lost, but treasured before.

I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,

and to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.

Then restore the old color that once graced your hair,

before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted,

so things now suspended need not be uplifted.

I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back

Til you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin,

So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin

You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells

And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes,

No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.

Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny

From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.

You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take

And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache

Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid

You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid

I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle

and the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle

But alas! I'm not Santa, I'm simply just me---

The matronliest of matrons you ever did see

I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got,

But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot

Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere

Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year

Watch that zapper, por favor

He prolly should have settled for the dog, don't ya think? Who? Adam.

Link shamelessly swiped from LeeAnn.

Bypassin' the clambake here, boss

Hmmm, I have always heard somethin' about bein' as happy as a clam, but I was not quite sure what it meant. I think I do now, and the clam might have a good reason to be happy.

attribution: Xrlq

Forego beverage consumption briefly

It looks like I was not the only one to post a hilarious joke today.

The problems with the plan

Jeff Trigg has a holiday appropriate item up for viewin'. I am not sure if it was a satirical piece or a serious commentary on today's PC climate. All I can say is that I was thoroughly appalled at the unwanton cruelty shown by the reckless treatment of organic tomatoes.

Monday Mornin' Mirth

I got this one in my email, and just couldn't wait until Friday to post it. So enjoy:

Lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Kudos for Peter Jackson

I mean sure he deserves kudos for the excellent production of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, but to actually have a Tolkien in the cast is a stupendous idea!

attribution: Her Majestic Link-Mistress Kelley, who has plenty more where that one came from

Hey, did ya'll know about this?

There is an eternal bear vs. shark debate. Hmmm, I guess if they are on land, I gotta go with the bear. However, if the bear is floatin' on the ocean layin' on an air mattress soakin' up rays and consumin' margaritas, I am pretty sure the shark takes the bout in the first round. Now, this is a debate, so feel free to pipe in with your two cents.

From whence did this come?

"I am an intergalactic alien disguised as a computer. At this very moment, I am having close, intimate sex with your fingers. Since you are smiling, I shall assume that you are enjoying yourself and will therefore continue."

I know where I found it: Chicken Soup for the Vegan Soul. There was a bit more, but the source of the material was undisclosed.*

*Or I am such a dumbass that I couldn't locate that info.

Can someone find me a bar of soap?

George, but just knowin' he had the balls to say fuck in public almost makes me want to vote for John Kerry. Of course, there is a bit more to my decision process than that.

attribution: John Cole

[Update: From Kathy Kinsley - And no, I don't give a f*** if Kerry uses the 'F' word. And I thought Bush's use of the 'A' word was reasonably accurate. Though I'd have used the word 'jackass', myself. Bush was, after all, referring to a New York Times reporter. They are all related to donkeys.]

A couple of interestin' items to keep an eye on

Now I like this idea. Bloggers with Boobies. I like boobies, even on bloggers, but preferrably in my hands or mouth. Uh, enough of that -- no sense gettin' myself all worked up over some fantasy that will never be fulfilled.

Then I saw this: Blog it Forward. Sounds interestin' but ain't it the same thing as Linky-Love?

OK, time to 'fess up

Which one o' ya'll sent me over to Everlastin' Blort? I think it was LeeAnn. Afterall, the sort of stuff that makes ya blow soda outta your nose is right down her alley.

It is also one of the reasons I voted for The Cheese Stands Alone as the best Maraudin' Marsupial blog.

Oh, is this not too damn true?

Just read it and weep, unless you are a gal, then go ahead: enjoy your power.

Captain America disses France*

Dan has the scoop -- and scanned it for formal display.

*Was that a thunderous roar of applause?

[Update: I have a report that someone in France has gotten some balls and finally said: Americans are really starting to piss me off. - Monique, 13. Should we sic Captain American on her? Or how about Chomps?]

What do ya call it?

I can't think of the word for a nightmare you have durin' a daydream, if there is a word for it. Wharever it was, this tale by Azygos just triggered one that would send tingles down your spine.*

*There is a word for that -- it is called spine-tinglin'.

At a loss for the correct words

Merpy Chriskwanzukkah and everything you wanted to know about it.

Fiction muddles up the truth of the matter

It seems Eric has collected the strangest list of facts for ya'll to see. Go have a look for yourself.

So how much do you really know?

Well, although the accuracy of any survey is suspect unless you know the criteria, source, and sample percentages, but still the data is sometimes interesting. Some site callin' itself Blog Search Engine posted the results of some survey they supposedly on bloggers. Entertainin' in the least.

attribution: Sassy

Denita's Dazzlin' Dozen

Hmmm, seems Denita thought I didn't like the dozen permalinks she gave me. Did I give some indication that I was less than thrilled to pieces about such?

What is it about Wednesday?

I have been up and sittin' here readin' blogs for an hour or so. I was havin' a really hard time findin' somethin' worthy of bloggin' 'bout. I mean I could tell ya'll the Carnival of the Vanities is here or how Blogshares has bit the bullet, but I figure if you had to come here to find that out, then you likely have a pretty pathetic blogroll. However, I am almost sure that no matter what inane or genuinely prophetic thoughts I could amass to fill this space, I could not make a more eloquent statement than Kevin Young, the winner of Weekly Reader's Operation Tribute to Freedom essay contest:

I am a ten-year-old boy living in the United States of America--a country that stands for freedom. Today, I woke to the chirping of birds. On the other side of the world, another boy is waking up to the frightening sound of blasting bomb.

It was a time to go to school so I chose to wear a T-shirt and shorts because I could make that decision. On the other side of the world, a young girl had a choice, too. She could wear a veil or get whipped.

Then I went to school to learn about our world, including math, English, history and science and technology. I was learning how to make the world a better place. On the other side of the world, a boy was learning how to fight in combat and survive or be killed. For the girl, school was not allowed. But she wanted to learn. So she went to school in secret, but was taking a big risk.

After school, I went to play soccer and visited with all of my friends. On the other side of the world, the boy and girl went and tried to earn some money or went to look for food and water for their family.

At night, as I slept in my nice, warm bed, I dreamed of a world filled with freedom for the little boy and girl on the other side of the world.

Check the story here.

My utmost appreciation to Deb Yoder for havin' brought this delightful tidbit to my attention.

Can ya hear the distant sound of reindeer farts?

OK, it seems there is a bit of somethin' weird going on at the North Pole. From the information goin' around the grapevine, you can keep an eye on all such hijinks by readin' Ho Ho Holy Shit - Santa's Back!. Rumor has it that yours truly is actually postin' there now, but I won't let ya in on what role I play, and am bettin' none of ya can figure it out. Michele can't play.

Humane treatment for US Service member

Yes, it seems the 506th Expeditionary Medical Squadron was wonderfully humane in their treatment of a non-human service member.

attribution: DavidMSC

The WizBanger Blog Awards of 2003

It seems that Kevin Aylward, Super WizBanger he is, is gonna be givin' out awards to blogs. It looks great. Check it out. I was kinda hopin' to win one of those awards, but then was not sure which category I actually fit into: Humor? Best Lookin'? Best New Blog? Too bad he didn't have a category for Crappiest Blog or Ugly Guy Authored Blog, where I might have a chance with so little competition. Oh well, if'n anyone wants, feel free to nominate me. I could use a few more things to line those columns on the side on the left and right, ya know. They are kinda sparse with content right, doncha think?

My plan for world domination

Mr. Picasso Head

This one is my creation. I entitled it Oh Baby, I Like Your Ass. Just show me you can do better and maybe I will let you live after I take over the world.

What? You wanna know my plan for world domination?

I could tell ya, but then I would have to kill ya!

Lookin' for laughs in all the right places

Sometimes I need a laugh. I mean I can't just continually write all this fine funny crap continuously without findin' somethin' to make me laugh as well. I usually can go right to my blogroll, start clickin' on a few and find some stuff. Let's see what we found this time:

Well, let's start off with Anna, as it appears that Anna is returnin' to her old form, but not quite back, in my opinion. Still, on her worst day, her stuff is usually much funnier than my crap. And then Cherry has discovered the spellchecker and used it to check a poem that has been around since Al Gore invented the spellchecker. DavidMC has some ancient puns that will really make ya groan. But talk about pure hilarity. Even a cat hater* would feel sorry for this poor pussy.

*No actual belief that SilverBlue is a cat hater, just needed to give him the trackback credit, so put the link there. ;)

Was there anywhere in Yosemite for Sam to spend the night?

I am afraid I could not agree with Steven more about the feelin's 'spressed on this post.

Are ya truly qualified to vote?

Wow, I am not too sure that everyone in the US should have to do what you gotta do before you can register to vote in Mississippi. I might have to slow down and see a bit of it when I am drivin' through on the way to Key West tomorrow. I suspect you still have to drive through Mississippi to get from Texas to Florida, but it has been a long time since I had 4th grade geography. I have learned that they changed the names of a lot of the countries since then, and moved the capital of France to Montreal.

Why don't they ever serve Pizza?

Do ya just hate those big family get-togethers over Thanksgivin' and are always lookin' for a way to be excused from sittin' across the table at gramma gummin' a turkey leg or sittin' at the kids table despite havin' been 29 for at least 10 years? The Bartender over at Mad Willie's Cyber Saloon has a bit of advice for ya.

Mainly for Denita*

OK, I had thought about doin' this myself, but someone has scanned the intial Opus strip from the past Sunday. It is here. waxy.org gets the credit for the work and Sean Hackbarth for givin' me the word.

*I remember Denita** said in a comment that she had not found an opportunity to see the strip.

**Link has no relation to this blurb or anything mentioned in this blurb, but the trackback might alert Denita to read this blurb.***

***I am about all blurbed out, as my bottom seems to have gone all soft.****

****If your Sherlock skills are a bit off, that previous note might have not lead you to the proper conclusion that I read what I write outloud as I type.*****

*****I actually do not read outloud as I type, I read silently to myself. I do move my lips when I read, however.******

******Like you really care to know that. ;)

I think this is a riddle --

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,

through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things:

[like I was not gonna make you hit that extended entry link to see the end of this one --- think you got the right answer?]

Then you are probably the family dog.

Somethin' from last night

I was goin' through my site meter and saw where someone had been referred to this post of mine from a search on Opus interview. I checked that search page to see how high my listin' was and found this: The Opus interview on MSNBC. I liked it as well.

Over there or back at home, they still tell the story

Geoffrey (not the Toys 'R Us giraffe) from Dog Snot Diaries brings us one of those lengthy messages written by a real soldier in the war that tells how they really feel about doin' the job they do in Iraq.

The power of the Internet

You know, one of the things that thrills me most about the internet is the way you move around, find these little things, learn so much so easily, and sometimes somethin' triggers some ol' memories. See, here is how this occurred -- I was over at I Am Always Right and read this blurb about this list of Famous Texans. Now I am lookin' on the list to see who is there and who ain't and I run across this name: Babe Didrikson Zaharias. Slam - that took me back to the eighth grade.

Back in the eighth grade, we used to have to do book reports. I really did not mind them, as I was a pretty good student who read all the time anyway, and think I was mainly into Leon Uris durin' those years, or maybe James Thurber. Anyway, you remember those slackers we always had in class, the ones who put forth very little effort, either because they were dumb or because they just didn't care. Well, every week there would always be a slew of book reports on two books, both biographies: Young Mr. Penney, about the founder of J. C Penney, about 45 pages front to back, and then one of Ms. Zaharias, which was about 60 pages. I probably have forgotten more about Ms. Zaharias than I ever cared to know. She really was an amazin' hunk of womanhood.

Now ain't it the truth

SilverBlue has one of those Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus type of things up. It is actually just a map of the mall.

Where did it say "Don't bring a knife"?

Hmmm, all the good crap I posted this last week and McGehee didn't find a single one of mine worthy of a link ... oh well, I did find one of his I wanted to link - this list of Marine Corp Gunfightin' Rules.

There is no sex in the Champagne Room

I was a bit reluctant to tell ya'll about checkin' out this post at that strange Cyber Saloon run by the rascal Madfish Willie, who seems to be a bit chummy with Kang A. Roo, who has in turn steadfastedly remained a squatter on the space I had wanted to use as the USURP HQ. However, after I perused all the fine links to be found there, I didn't want to withhold such vital information from my loyal readers. Go visit.

And to think that I actually posted that before sayin' DALLAS WINS 24-20!

I'm in the spotlight again!

Oh my, is this interestin':

BLOG AND PONY SHOW: Everbody check out the quirky, yet amusing blog by Terence A. (***) Russell. - Hesiod

And it seems that a multitude are doin' so. It gladdens my heart to have so many come to view my quirky, yet amusin' crap and I am hopeful ya'll find a lot of enjoyment. I am supposin' that the quirky, yet amusing needs to be placed 'mong those other fine things that have been said over on the Hit Parade. As soon as I get a good connection, I will be a'doin' that.

Now tell me this is not a good idea!

Found on Biting Nails:

Erika at Snazzykat has suggested we write a letter to our 10 year old selves.

I mean just how much would you want to say. I say we all do it. Mine is in the extended entry.

Hi Terry,

I know this is a bit weird, but you are a big science fiction fan, I know, so understand that in 38 years, it will finally become possible to send messages back in time. I have done so because there are some things I want to tell you about your future.

In a couple of years, your family is going to move out to the country to a really inbred group of people. Do not worry about not fitting in or finding a girlfriend among the group. There are none worth having anyway.

When you are in the ninth grade, you will get in a fight with a boy named Les, You will knock him down, and when you do, kick him really hard in the face until he passes out. Otherwise he will get up, knock you down and try to pull your nose off of your face.

Don't take typing, it destroys your grade point average.

Do take physics and chemistry.

Do not start smoking. Brush your teeth every day and learn to floss.

Investigate college scholarships.

Don't worry so much about wanting sex and not getting it. Worry more about waiting for the right person. Sex is not love.

Major in Psychology.

If you meet a beautiful woman named Janet who has just left her husband, do not fall in love with her and marry her.

If you meet a beautiful woman named Betsy, same advice applies. The better choice will be the redheaded waitress from Studebaker's, the one who is going to NTSU and whose father is a doctor.

Whatever you do, if you meet a woman named Dawnda Davidson, run the other way as fast as possible, because she is a minion of the Devil.

Do not worry about things so much as you are very talented and will succeed.

Good luck,

Terry, 2003

Get back, you minion of Satan!

I guess the mother of this child must have been playin' Rush Limbaugh too loud during her pregnancy.

attribution: Notorious B.L.O.G, who graciously offered a few more links for perusal.

Oh, My George! If you haven't seen this, you better check it out! I just about pissed myself from laughin' so hard.

Guess I better blogroll Dog Snot Diaries 'cause I found too much enjoyable stuff to look at over there.

Minor sensualities

You know, when you get to a point in your life where you have very little physical contact with other people, gettin' a hair cut can be such a very sensual experience. I mean, you have someone runnin' their fingers through your hair, gingerly touchin' here as there and they manipulate your head from side to side. I actually did have somethin' else in mind when the gal asked me if there was anythin' else she could do for me as she finished up, but, of course, I figured what I had in mind was not somethin' she had even imagined when she asked that question. I just paid the bill, gave her a $2 tip and went on my way havin' enjoyed the experience.

Leave 'em laughin'

I am gonna end this day kinda like I begun it. As my first post was kinda like my waking up post and my last post of the day is always the Nightly Navel Gazing Report™, that kind of makes this like the next to the last post. As the next ot the first post, being the second post was a bunch of lawyer jokes, I thought I would give ya'll a few more.

LAWYER JOKES

What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your Honor.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?
Use all three bullets on the lawyer.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because deep down, they are all nice guys.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper.

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got to pick first.

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
People couldn't decide which side to spit on.

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.

Owen's got a joke for ya

Swallow all drink
then click this link.

Solvin' the Unsolved Mysteries

I had previously provided the evidence to answer the age old question Do bears shit in the woods? and now Kevin McGehee provides the answer to Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

I am such a butt!*

Yep, it seems that Roxette Bunny has made me the butt of a gag. I may be a butt, but she did say I was good lookin'. Hmm, that thing about carrots and good eye-sight must be a myth or somethin', 'cause it seems Roxette Bunny needs some glasses, huh? SilverBlue blabbed 'bout it, too, and Susie** thought it was worth smilin' 'bout.

*Yep, this is one of the things I was postin' 'bout when that crap I posted about on the last enty happened. I decided I had better do them one at a time to avoid that happenin' again.

*The link ain't got uthin' to do with the topic, 'cause Susie made her comment to Roxette's post, but Susie needed a bit of linky-love, I 'spect. ;)

Sure, go ahead and laugh

OK, here is a list of really stupid lawyer jokes* I shamelessly cut & pasted directly off of this page.

Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A. A tick falls off when you die.

Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.

Q. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. What is black and brown and looks Good on a lawyer?
A. A doberman.

Q. Way are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. When launched, they can not be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. Did you hear that the post office just recalled their latest stamp?
A. They had pictures of lawyers on them---people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.

Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A. Skeet. (for some it would be clay pigeons)

Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a $100 bill. Who gets it?
A. The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythical creatures.

Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. It was so cold this winter