Dec. 31, 2004 [Quickie]

This deserves to be seen by more than myself, so you be someone else. It is definitely worth the minute of time it will take you to read through it: how did you get here?: We're sorry...

Why? 'Cause it made me smile!

Improbable Prayers

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz? - Janis

Why? Jes' 'cause I can!

In a time of rebirth and renewal

The holidays make me maudlin. Seriously so, ever' since the passin' of my dear departed Betsy a decade ago, and it ain't gotten any better as I have aged another 10 years older and 'pear to be farther from my dream than ever. In times like these, it is good to have somethin' to remind yourself of your ancestors literally right at your fingertips. Those of ya'll that have followed me durin' the maturity of this publication likely 'member the reprint series of my deceased father's bloggin' efforts. I have, jes' this day, come to think of them as bloggin' efforts: if a blog is a website with regularly dated entries and these columns were posted to his website on a regular monthly basis, then Rusty Rucker was 'mong one of the earliest blogs. I now have a greater appreciation of these early columns. Here is your opportunity to take this walk back with me down memory lane. Read My Lips - the blog: Rusty Rides Again™ Archives

The Best of Read My Lips - 2004

Well, as it is New Year's Eve and the last day of 2004, it seems most other denizens of the blogosphere have been workin' hard to find the very best of their stuff from this past year to point out. I, on the other hand, can make no assumption with regard to ya'll's particular tastes and, as if they were my own children, am unable to choose one post as bein' any better than any other. However, in the spirit of the day, I have provided in the extended entry a full listin' of the very best this site had to offer over this past year. You are not required to agree, o' course.

• December 2004
• November 2004
• October 2004
• September 2004
• August 2004
• July 2004
• June 2004
• May 2004
• April 2004
• March 2004
• February 2004
• January 2004

Earth vs. Man, a fight to the finish?

As we all dwell on the massive amount of death that resulted from the recent Sumatran earthquake and subsequent tsunami, consider the following:

The events that this week destroyed the shores of the Indian Ocean, and which leveled the city of Bam a year ago, were of unmitigated horror: but they may also serve some deeper planetary purpose, one quite hidden to our own beliefs. - Simon Winchester - NYT Op-Ed

Did I not intimate as much in my only other mention of this disaster?

Despite their whinin', Golden Bears not Pasadena material

The [No. 4 California] Golden Bears (10-2), who were 11 1/2 -point favorites, simply had no answer against the [No. 23 Texas Tech] Red Raiders (8-4) and their efficient spread offense, which uses four wide receivers most of the time. [Holiday Bowl - Texas Tech 45/California 31]

spork: Steven

Dec. 31, 2004 (The End is Near Edition)

There was this truck driver who had to deliver five hundred penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, the truck breaks down. After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.

The next day the first truck driver arrives in town and sees the second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him.

The first truck driver jumps out of his truck and says, "What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"

The second truck driver replies, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."

New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep...*

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Don't date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Don't have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Don't wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Don't bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
22. Don't eat cloned meat.
23. Create loose ends.
24. Get more toys.
25. Get further in debt.
26. Don't believe politicians.
27. Break at least one traffic law.
28. Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
31. Stay off the MIR space station.
32. Don't worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
34. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
35. Associate with even worse business clients.
36. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
37. Wait around for opportunity.
38. Focus on the faults of others.
39. Mope about faults.
40. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

found here

*All options may not be appropriate for all users.

Days of Old Lang Zine

I hate to admit it, but when I was a kid, there were some songs that I used to sing and always wondered just 'zactly what they meant--such as "Auld Lang Syne", for instance. Always thought they were singin' about some guy named "Old Lang Zine"--ya know, kinda like "Old Mack Donald"--and never had a clue what it was about.

It was the same with "Silent Night." I use'ta think that a "virgin" was like a green pasture where they found the mother and child in the manger.

I always did think that "Lang Zine" was a funny name, but then I've heard some stranger ones since then. We use'ta travel a lot when I was growin' up. My family often tagged along on my dad's business trips. Sometimes we had to wait all day in a motel room with not much to do, so I would read phone books. There were two names that I never will forget [I hope they're not yores if yore readin' this]--Cozy Quaddlebaum and Chile Puddaphat--both in the same town!

Even stranger were some of the names that I heard when I worked for the Welfare Department. For example, one lady [??] named her first child "Syphillis" [She pronounced it Si-fil'-is], a name that she found on one of

the papers a doctor gave when she was leavin' the hospital. The next year she came in with her second child named "Gonneria"--said she couldn't quite remember how it was spelt but it was on that same paper where she found "Syphillis."

The there was the woman whose three sons were named "Elmer, Jr.," " Elmo, and "Elmore" and the one who named her four daughters "Krystle", "Kristine," "Kristina", and "Kristin."

It's no wonder that when we heard this joke, we thought it was a true story.

A woman was in a serious automobile accident, and was unconsious when her twins were delivered. When she awoke, her brother came to visit and told her that she had had a boy and a girl, and that he had been asked to name them.

Knowing her brother, she took a deep breath, dreading to hear what he had named them.

"Well, I named the girl Denise," he said.

"That's a nice name, what did you name my son?"

"D'Nephew, of course."

Things that were and are again/ formerly something like I am the yada yada blogger of the world

This is a recreation of a post I did about this time which hopefully was successfully deleted at some point, because it went wonky and listed ever' category on ever Munuvian blog. Happy New Year? Are all the trojan horses comin' alive? Who knows. Should we call it Y2K+5?

Yep! I claim that title for myself, and ain't even gonna tell ya why it belongs to me. Heck, I doubt anyone finds anythin' unusual with tonight's report. Only a keen eye for details will likely find the secret. Secret is strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. Sadly, I have output about 120% of today's allotment of creativity as I have worked diligently throughout the day to pen a horrific short story to submit for publication on a new Horror/Suspense online magazine premierin' sometime in January or February. I thought it was a full day's work and, if my understandin' is right, I'll be handsomely paid for my efforts, as well as retain my copyright to the submitted work. I can live with that.

It was my first venture into the horror genre, however, all my previous efforts bein' confined to sci-fi and fantasy, but it is my dream to be professionally creative in all fictional genres. My greatest authorial difficulty seems to be in bein' able to limit myself to a set number of words. The criteria of this submission was 2500 words or less and I came in at about 2800. I think I still have a chance, and will allow the site to edit my verbiage, if necessary. However, I cannot imagine any online publication having space requirements that have to be met. I 'spose it was more in that they kind of had a set price per word and the top price they were offerin' to pay equaled the rate per word times 2500 words. I'm willin' to chuck in the extra 300 for free if they are willin' to pay me for the other 2500.

Moona read it and said it would have made a good episode of The Twilight Zone. I took that as a nice compliment.

Anyway, my navel is, by definition, not involved at all with this report. End of report.

Not everybody eats black-eyed peas on New Year's

OTBTJTB™

The most interestin' New Year's Eve that I can remember was when my aunt & uncle from Illinois visited. We searched all over town that day before because they had to have pickled herring in sour cream sauce at the stroke of midnight so that they could have good luck all year. Of course, no one in our little town had even heard of eating that, so we had to make a trip to the big city, where some of those rich businessmen were transplants from the North. Well, we finally found some and made it home in time to watch all of the New Year's Eve programs on TV.

So, when it was midnight, instead of black-eyed peas, my aunt and uncle were putting this foul-smellin' pickled herring on crackers--and they wanted me to try it. Yuk!

To each his own, I guess. So I started surfin' around and found that people eat a lot of strange things for luck at New Year's. I also started wonderin' why we eat black-eyed peas, for that matter. I ran upon one interesting story from the Jan. 2001 Texas Parks & Wildlife magazine, in a space entitled Legend, Lore & Legacy, subtitled "The Great Black-Eyed Pea Hoax," by C.F. Eckhardt. According to this article,

It seems that in 1947 a man named Elmore R. Torn, Sr. was essentially the one-man Athens/Henderson Co. Chamber of Commerce, in a struggling community that Houston and Dallas hadn't "discovered" yet. Its industries, Eckhardt wrote, were "oil, farming, oil, pottery, oil, and a cannery."

And one of the products of the cannery was black-eyed peas. Today canned black-eyed peas are quite tasty, but in 1947 they looked like '"rayish-tan lumpy library paste with black spots scattered in it" Eckhardt notes. And that's just about what they tasted like too, "with heavy overtones of tinplate and salt."

Challenged to create a market for this unappealing product, while boosting the local economy, Torn went to work. (Just an historical note here that has no relevance to this story that I can see: Torn's son is Elmore R. Torn, Jr., aka actor Rip Torn.)

Torn, Sr. began his task by having the cannery make up several dozen two-ounce cans of black-eyed peas. Then, his genius in overdrive, he began to write.

Eckhardt's story continues: "Eating black-eyed peas for good luck on New Year's Day, Elmore wrote, was a fine old antebellum Southern tradition that had been viciously suppressed by the d___ Yankees during Reconstruction. Jeff Davis, Stonewall Jackson ­ even Marse Robert Lee himself ­ partook of the unique Southern delicacy known as the black-eyed pea every New Year's Day for good luck in the coming year.

"Why, the reason the South lost was a failure of the black-eyed pea crop in 1863, which led to the Confederate reverses in '64 and ultimately to the humiliation of Appomattox in April of '65.

"The tradition, he wrote, was hoary long before the war, but had been suppressed by the Yankees for the nine long years of Reconstruction in Texas. It was time for all good Southerners to rise up and reclaim this great, almost-lost bit of Southern heritage. Who knows, it might lead to the South rising once more.

"And, of course, what better way to serve black-eyed peas for New Year's Day dinner than with convenient, tasty (he may have gagged slightly there), canned black-eyed peas from Athens, Texas?"

However, some say it goes back a lot farther than that:

If you are from the South, that is, the Southern part of the United States, you already know all about Hoppin' John and perhaps you serve it to yourself and guests every New Year's. It was a Texan who first said to me, "Of course, you must have black-eyed peas for New Year's-- it brings good luck."

I got to wondering about this and soon found that it was more than a matter of serving black-eyed peas. It was actually a mixture of black-eyed peas, rice and ham hocks or bacon, and it had a name. It was called "Hoppin' John." . . .

In fact, the dish appears to have African, or African-American roots, as the black-eyed pea is the seed of the cowpea, a delicacy in North Africa. According to a 1788 account, the food on slave ships was a combination of fava beans, yams, rice and possibly a bit of pork or other meat. When they got to America and were able to substitute black-eyed peas for the "horse beans" the slave traders served them, the Africans improved on the dish and it became popular.

Still another idea is that

In Georgia, it's a tradition to eat black-eyed peas and turnip greens. The peas represent copper and the greens are dollars. We say each pea you eat equals one dollar's worth of earning, and each portion of turnip greens equals $1,000. . . .Some people say that it brings good luck and prosperity. This may be founded in truth because a 3-ounce portion of black-eyed peas and turnip greens is good for the digestive system. It helps clean out the digestive system.

And here's a link for those of you who want to know what the rest of the world is doing: New Year's Customs Worldwide - TOPICS Online Magazine - TOPICS Online Magazine for ESL

The things ya never see and or sometimes jes' overlook

I've been goin' through a lot of posts I have saved in draft mode. Both of the previous two were initially composed in August 2004. The post I am gonna be blurbin' 'bout right here dates back to May 2004. It's a real doozie an' I can only assume as to why I am jes' now shinin' a spotlight 'pon it is that I had marked it as somethin' to review for possible use on my USURP site. After re-readin' it, I could see why I did such, but I am now feelin' it is much more appropriate to use here on Read My Lips.

Truth is relevant to perception. That is a truism that I quote often. All people are purty much aware that we all likely see and hear jes' 'zactly what it is that we want or 'spect to see and hear. It 'pears that some scientists found evidence that such indeed is true and that it is all the fault of the way our poor pathetic minds function. It seems they have discovered a “bindin' problem” inside the brain. I ain't gonna spend my time outlayin' 'n' outlinin' the whole scenario for ya'll when ya can go have a look for yourself at my primary source for the information. Ya'll go read it there: Stupid Evil Bastard: The binding problem and how your brain makes sense of the world. I am entirely proud of havin' had this supreme privilege of bein' the one to point the way out for ya'll.

As the world gets older, some clamor for the past

Black and White authored by Steve Vaus*
(Under age 40? You won't understand.)

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."

Depending on the channel you tuned,
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.

I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys,
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.

Father Knows Best, Patty Duke,
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie, too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night! --
Life looked better in black and white.

I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives...
Good guys always won the fights.

Now nothing is the way it seems,
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too many fights,
I wanna go back to black and white.

In God they trusted, alone in bed, they slept,
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.

But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.

I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from right.
Life was better in black and white!

*attribution** courtesy of this page which more elegantly displays the proffered poem, and, additionally, supplies enlargeable thumbnails of still shots taken from some of the programs mentioned.

**I always attempt to do a quick search*** to find attributions when I post somethin' sent to me attributed to author unknown, although that ain't necessarily always the case. I am unsure if it is the exercise of knowin' how easily such can usually be found or my belief that creative people should be properly attributed for their creations. It is likely a bit of both.

***Searches of this type are easily done by findin' a unique phrase within the passage, copyin' and pastin' such into the search term box, enclosin' such in "quotes," and search. Nearly anythin' ya find will usually have been published elsewhere, and oft, one or more of those other sites will have done the hard work and already searched for and discovered the author of said passage.****

****I do, however, make the assumption that any accreditation found is actually correct.

Jes' in time for the New Year

I was goin' through some of the ol' items I still had in draft mode and came 'cross this fabulous list of insults which I had found some time ago over at Silver Blue's place. If'n your New Years Resolution is to be able to aptly insult those whom you oft find a'trompin' on your toes, literally or figuratively, this might be jes' what the doctor ordered.

Checkin' in

Jest thought I'd let y'all know I'm still alive.

Yesterday really was a pleasant day for drivin' down the road. I shoulda gone on one myself, seen' as my brain seems to have been somewhere else anyway. Funny thing, I bumped into Denita TwoDragons several times yesterday in the ethospere and had sev'ral nice conversations.

No time to write much now, but I do have a question for you: Could I have had Spring Fever yesterday because it felt like spring, or was it Winter Fever because it was really winter?

PS - Happy Meals never made me happy, either.

A pleasant journey was made 'pon a pleasant day

Well, I answered my own question. I discovered that a "Happy Meal" does not make you happy, at least at my age, 'cause I would have gladly traded that gigantic and ghastly lookin' toy for one of those apple pies. Not sure what to say 'bout the burger. 'Tweren't a Big Mac, but then, to tell ya the truth, a Big Mac is usually a bit much. The fries were ample for my needs. I dumped the DP in with the remainder in my refillable cup I carry 'round with me almost all the time.

I did figger out what to do with that toy. I gifted it 'pon Zane, that lovable child of Eric and TwoDragons from Who Tends the Fires. It shot paper pogs and his two-year-old little face lit up with delight as he watched his momma shoot those pogs out and he giggled like crazy as he ran off to retrieve them and bring them back for 'nother 'round of fun. They live in that mythical town, Tinyville, Texas, some distance from the tiny burg where I live. Tinyville is tiny burg jes' a bit further down the road, in a different place altogether, still, o' course, in Texas. Texas is a big place. I figger they live somewhere 'bout 2 and a half hours from me. A pleasant drive through 4 county seats with a few other towns in between. I had once playfully chided them 'bout havin' taken 'nother group to a particular local restaurant 'bout which they had raved, so, now havin' felt some pangs of guilt ever' since my mention of such, they now forced me to consume ample portions of delectable Tex-Mex that was o'so bueno. Muchas gracias, you two, for such a lovely repast.

Denita also allowed me to gaze 'pon the exquisite sculptures she did and I cannot describe how artistically talented my good friend, Denita TwoDragons, is. We then chatted a bit about it, o' course. I am still a bit up in the air 'bout my current plans regardin' it. I'd tell ya'll what it is, but then I would have to add an additional category for this post and such seems to be goin' a bit overboard since what I jes' had to say ain't all that important in the grand scheme of things. Ain't no use in upsettin' the payin' folks ... if ya get my drift. The sinus tablets had begun to wear off and my eyes were growin' very droopy. I checked the time and not able to think of anywhere more excitin' to be ... drove back home. I rolled in here some odd minutes after 11:00 pm and the time of this postin', though I can tell ya that midnight rang 'bout two paragraphs back.

I don't know why it's so, but I do some of my best thinkin' while simply drivin' down the road watchin' the white road stripes passin' by on a steady basis. I find the exercise to be mesmerizin' on occasion and the most delightful ideas come to mind. It is, however, damn hard to write all those great things down. And my thinkin' process does not always stray to'ard what I was hopin' to get worked out in my mind, either. I am not currently sure if I know what is 'zactly needed to get resolved 'mongst those rogue neurons runnin' 'round in my brain. The only thing I do know is that I am sensin' that somethin' is comin' to a head. My navel 'spects it's simply guilt from havin' procrastinated to such a great degree when I've got so much work that needs to get done. I simply wish that my navel could do the necessary work. End of report.

Is it sleep deprivation or jes' a case of mad beal disease??

Hmmm, I've been doin' a bit of surfin' 'round here and there, but it seems that there is not much of any interest to be found this day. Then again, a huge cornucopia of interestin' stuff may exist to be found out there somewhere 'round the blogosphere and I jes' ain't found it or it could be that I have found it and found that it is jes' not for me. Oh, it could definitely be somethin' like that, after all, I did have one of those weird sinus-medication-induced sleepless nights where I jes' laid in bed wishin' I could fall asleep. Now I'll jes' have to work hard so as to see my way through a thoroughly yawn-filled day. I am a bit blue, too, and could use a bit of cheerin' up. Here's a question for which no amount of Google searchin' could disclose an answer: Can a McDonald's "Happy Meal" really make ya happy?

All the good titles were locked away in the other room

OK, OK, so I likely promised no more Site Meter graphs, but when ya worked as hard as I did on doin' a Batman sculpture via manipulation of your visitation figgers ... and it easily can be done via BE to some extent ... ya jes' gotta show off the results of your handiwork, right?

Moona seems to have been strangely silent. I think she is doin' well with her beginnin' bloggin' efforts. I passed along a few pointers today, so maybe she is jes' studyin' up on stuff or surfin' blogs to see how ya'll are doin' things. Her Moona's Mornin' Musin's seemed to be a good compliment to my own Nightly Navel Gazin' Reports™, IMHO.

Well, for some odd reason, and I am gonna 'spect the effects of the sinus medication coursin' through my body as I write, my brain refuses me any access to anythin' on the left side of said brain. I left with little to do but languish here with naught but a plethora serious thoughts, many which relate to the earthquake, resultant tsunami, and the hundreds of thousands who perished as a result. Not grand fare from which the masses may partake, what? My navel, however, is again unconcerned. It only wonders why we left the comforts of that double layer of goose down in order to wander in here to post. I am guessin' that it has basked in the glow of its 15 minutes of fame for such time as was sufficient to fulfill its needs. I, on the other hand, await the fame I deserve. The proverbial sh*tpile of money of which I previously spoke would go long to'ard assistin' such fame to engulf me. End of report.

I ain't likely whistlin' Dixie either

I AM 32% WHITE TRASH! The white trash in my blood will not keep me from becoming a doctor or a lawyer, but it will keep me from a good haircut and any sort of fashion sense. Take the WHITE TRASH test at Fuali.com

Talk 'bout hittin' the bull right smack in the middle of his eye ...

Dec. 28, 2004

Well, here we go again with a nice set of links to point out those nuggets of wisdom and gems of humor that I have found here and there through my blog surfin' adventures. All links open in new windows, so feel free to click and read ... the list will be awaitin' your return. Now, for your readin' pleasure, the proprietors of Read My Lips are proud to present:

• It 'pears that the newest edition of Legal Affairs, Benjamin Soskis discusses legal rights for those whose intelligence is artificial in nature.
• Mark, of 15dn Blog, outlines the reasonin' as to why one might choose to buy information that you could otherwise find yourself through a successful Internet search.
• The hastenin' of the Biblical prophesied End Times is bein' linked to Bush?
• ForcedShaving has discovered the workin' relationship 'tween Ol' Nick and St. Nick.
• James Joyner explains the true economics of stadium financin'.
• Risiblegirl shared a bit of her newly gained knowledge 'bout cows.
• Frank J makes a rare appearance at Read My Lips, but I jes' couldn't stop myself from linkin' to a slap 'cross Kos's kisser.
• You might have missed Kathy Kinsley tellin' us a good reason to go back to the moon.
• Something I learned today found a few Christmas songs ya prolly did not have on any of your Christmas CDs ... thankfully.
• Chrenkoff has been gatherin' up all the particulars dealin' with Saddam's legal team.
• It seems a couple of French boys already had some idea of which list they were on

  A group of French teenagers have mugged Father Christmas, attempting to steal his sack of presents - [cnn story]

  or were jes' actin' in accordance with the rules of French behavior and attackin' someone they were 100% positive would not fight back.
• Well, Scott has his excuse:

  Since I'm Jewish, I don't greet people with "Merry Christmas," although even if I were Christian, I still probably wouldn't greet anyone with "Merry Christmas" as I tend to avoid all contact with human beings. That's just me.

  Anyone else got a good reason not to tell people Merry Christmas?

and, lastly,

• Skinny Dipping with the President shared a take on how and why Rumsfeld has a nice rubber stamp collection.

Reminiscin'

Does anyone but me remember the old Jax beer commercials---or even Jax beer? They were all animated, and they were all hilarious.

For example,

Scene: A bar in a city. Enter a little guy slightly resembling the current Ziggy, who talks with a lisp.

"Thir? Thir?" he said to the bartender, whose back was turned preparing a drink. "I'd like thum Jax beer, pleathe."

"Yeth, ther," said the bartender. "Comin' right up!"

Next, enters a sexy blonde, who says in a whispery voice, "Bartender, please pour me a cold Jax beer."

With not a touch of a lisp, the bartender responded, "Why, certainly--Would you like anything else?"

Irate, the little man with the lisp comes alive. "Barthender, barthender! You're makin' fun of me!"

Calmly, the bartender says quietly to the little man, "Oh, no ther. I'm makin' fun of her!"

or,

Scene: Bar in old western town. Enter a cowboy and his horse.

"Bartender, I want two cold Jax beers, one for me and one for my horse."

To which the bartender responded, "Sorry we don't serve beer to horses."

Before the cowboy could say anything, the horse turns around and says to the cowboy, "That's OK, pardner. I'm drivin' anyway."

But I thought the future was in "Soylent Green"

Swedish ecologist Susanne Wiigh-Masak has developed Promessa, a method for recycling human corpses into fertilizer.

While cremation burns fossil fuels and releases pollutants, burials require that the corpse be filled with embalming fluids which can pollute the groundwater as the body decays.

Wiigh-Masak's solution has bodies immersed in liquid nitrogen to remove water, causing them to crumble into fine organic dust. This is then placed in a container that biodegrades within six months. - [source]

Bloggers to the rescue

Bloggers at worldchanging.com, some of them living in the affected nations, began chattering immediately after the waves hit and began discussions of ways to help. South Asian bloggers created tsunamihelp blogspot.com to direct people to aid organizations. "I haven't seen this level of people saying, 'You know what? We can do something here. We can connect the pieces,' " said Alex Steffen, who lives in Seattle and edits worldchanging.com. "It's mind-blowing, and it's inspiring."

Howard Rheingold, the author of "Smart Mobs: The Next Social Revolution," about the use of interactive technologies like text-messaging to build ad hoc coalitions, said that using blogs to muster support for aid was a natural next step. "If you can smartmob a political demonstration, an election or urban performance art, you can smartmob disaster relief," he said.

One veteran of the online medium said he was initially "a little disappointed" in the reports he got from the blogs. Paul Saffo, director of the Institute for the Future in California, said that with the widespread use of digital cameras and high-speed digital access, he was expecting to see more raw video and analysis.

He said that upon reflection he realized that it was difficult to get information out of hard-hit areas and that putting digital video online is still the domain of "deep geeks" with significant resources. "This brought home to me just how far we have to go," he said.

Ms. Jardin of BoingBoing said people online often argued about whether blogs would replace mainstream media. The question is as meaningless, she said, as asking "will farmers' markets replace restaurants?"

"One is a place for rich raw materials," she continued. "One represents a different stage of the process."

Blogging from the tsunami, she said, is "more raw and immediate," but the postings still lack the level of trust that has been earned by more established media. "There is no ombudsman for the blogosphere," she said. "One will not replace the other, but I think the two together are good for each other."

Dr. Vaidhyanathan said he was leaving for a long-planned trip to India today and, if possible, hoped to visit relatives in Madras. "As long as there is electricity and Internet access, I'll blog," he said.

Full story: NYT

attribution to worldchanging.com -- much more info to be found there

Just Wonderin'

Ponderings collection 01

1. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
2. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
3. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
4. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
5. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
6. If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
7. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
8. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
9. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
10. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

The best laid traps for rats and men

Hey, it was the best I could come up with on the fly, it would seem. I had been savin' up a doozie title for this report all day, jes' to find myself throwin' it atop a post in need, indeed. It is strange watchin' others dippin' their toes into the water and scribblin' their names in the proverbial sands. The perspective is much different, I find, when the party's bein' thrown 'pon your own beach. Still, it's five o'clock somewhere, so I think I'll jes' sink back into this beach chair and sip on a cold bottle of Corona.

My navel awakened as I scribbled down that fantasy and is now miffed at me that such is not reality. I am a bit miffed at that myself. I 'spect if that proverbial sh*tpile of money I been awaitin' my whole life was to finally fall from the sky at this very moment, me and my navel would likely be charterin' us a flight to Cabo somethi'nother. I am not gonna hold my breath awaitin' such occurrence. I have previously done it until I was blue in the face and jes' ended up breathless and jes' as broke as I'd been. My navel has requested, however, that if'n any of ya'll are charged with the delivery of expected sh*tpiles of money 'pon highly deservin' people, we ain't gotten ours yet. End of report.

Phone Tag & Other Annoyances

Only Disconnect

By ROB WALKER
Published: December 26, 2004 in The New York Times Magazine [likely requires registration]

The Electronic Secretary: Joseph J. Zimmermann Jr., b. 1912

Joseph Zimmermann Jr., who died this year at 92, invented something called The Electronic Secretary. The concept behind this clunky device was simple enough: if someone called you on the telephone and you weren't there to answer, the caller could leave a recorded message. It wasn't the first answering machine, but it has been credited as the first to catch on commercially in the 50's. It was therefore an important development in the technology of connectedness, the power of being always in touch, which is something that gets a lot of attention. But Zimmermann's invention was also a key marker in a less celebrated history -- the history of what could be called the technology of avoidance. Getting a message from someone you want to talk to is convenient and nice, but letting a machine take a call from someone you don't want to talk to is sublime.

"There's always been a battle between access and control," notes James E. Katz, a professor of communication at Rutgers University and the author of "Connections: Social and Cultural Studies of the Telephone in American Life." Long before the Electronic Secretary, there were people well off enough to have teams of minions to help them get in touch with whomever they wanted to reach and to filter who could reach them. Even so, adding technology to the screening process was controversial at first. "Huge numbers of people objected to these machines," Katz says. Outgoing messages back then were verbose and apologetic; even when Katz worked for a spinoff of Bell Labs in the 80's, he was told that using an answering machine was "inhuman." Not until 1987 did a majority of Americans polled say it was no longer rude to use such a device.

Today, of course, things are different, as the answering machine has given way to nearly ubiquitous voice-mail systems and "interactive voice-response units" (the touch-tone-driven systems that answer calls at a vast majority of American corporations). In fact, it's now considered rude not to have some sort of machine to take messages for you. And not only have we become used to machines that take messages, we also sometimes prefer them to live communication (thus the modern practice of delivering unpleasant news when you know the recipient is away from the phone).

Between cellphones, e-mail and instant messaging, it's now considered exotic to be truly unreachable at all. Yet for every advance made in the name of connection, there is an avoidance counterstrike. Services pop up that allow us to locate our friends while out on the town (like Dodgeball.com), and services pop up that help us pretend to be one place when we're really somewhere else (like the online "Alibi and Excuse Club"). Maybe just as crucial to the cellphone as its built-in voice mail is its off switch -- something early phone users never wanted. To get a sense of where the battle between access and control stands today, just ask yourself what happens when you're talking to a friend in person and your cellphone rings. Do you ignore it? Do you check to see who is trying to reach you (relying, of course, on the requisite Caller ID feature)? Do you take the call? Are you happy to be in touch or exasperated to be bothered? The answers depend on a morass of status judgments and social-protocol evaluations, all made in an instant.

In his research, Katz has found, not surprisingly, that teenagers and young adults are far more preoccupied with connectedness than anyone else. "They want to hear from everybody as much as possible," he says. Partly this is about a technological comfort level, but it's also about life-stage issues -- the young person still developing his identity is very keyed in to social networks; later, time management becomes more important, and connections are more likely to be seen as interruptions. Nevertheless, all of us seem to some extent to be responsive to the summons from afar, even though that summons often turns out to be a friend using up his cellphone minutes (and your precious time) while in line at the grocery store. If the steady advance of communication technology since the Electronic Secretary has taught us anything, it's that there is something addictive about being in touch -- as much as we might sometimes wish we could kick the habit. As Katz summarizes, "There is no going back."

What I know 'bout shoes would fit in a shoe box

Revealing the Soul of a Soulless Lawyer

MYSTERY MAN The Anonymous Lawyer blog has struck a nerve.
By SARA RIMER
Published: December 26, 2004

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. HE lives at the law firm, blowing off his wife's dinner parties, not to mention the birth of his son. He finds no satisfaction in his work, but he is trapped by his high salary and partner title.

He disdains everyone lower in the hierarchy: the smarmy $2,400-a-week summer interns, the idealistic associates who want to help poor people on company time, the associates who have the audacity to become pregnant and his incompetent secretary who broke the crystal plaque he received from a client.

He is, in short, a petty, cynical, sexist, miserable, overpaid corporate creep. He is also fictional.

But he is apparently all too familiar to thousands of lawyers across the country who are regular readers of his Web log, Anonymous Lawyer, in which he chronicles the soulless, billable-hours-obsessed partners, the overworked BlackBerry-dependent associates and the wrecked families that are the dark underside of life at his large firm in Los Angeles.

"What A.L. posts on a daily basis are the precise reasons I have left practice and am now in a `law-related field,' " one reader wrote.

Hilarious, poignant, maddening (even the readers chide one another for their high-priced whining), the blog, which began appearing in March, has become an anonymous, online 24-hour confessional for disaffected associates at large, elite law firms around the country. (Many comments are posted late at night when, presumably, the readers are still at the firm.)

And even though the blog (anonymouslawyer.blogspot.com) makes clear that Anonymous Lawyer's stories are fiction, readers write in to say they identify with him and especially with the associates he tyrannizes.

"I'm a real live Big Law midlevel associate," one reader wrote. "And I'm here to say that whether A.L. is real or not, yes, most (most) Big Law partners do think that way."

It is not surprising that a group of highly verbal computer-bound professionals who are paid to complain would gravitate toward the blogosphere. The elite firms are supposed to be the pinnacle, the reward at the end of Harvard, Yale or Stanford law schools. Anonymous Lawyer is a chance to admit, anonymously, an uncomfortable truth: The money and status may not be worth all the sacrifices.

"Anonymous Lawyer is a cultural phenomenon," said William Henderson, an associate professor at Indiana University School of Law, who uses the blog in class. "It strikes a nerve with the deep-seated ambivalence that lawyers in big law firms feel about big law firm life."

So who is Anonymous Lawyer, anyway?

The blog is full of the sort of real life details, like the chocolate-covered pretzels offered during recruiting interviews of Harvard law students at the Charles Hotel in Cambridge ("unusually good for hotel food," Anonymous Lawyer rates the pretzels, while dismissing the students as entitled and ignorant) that have convinced many readers that Anonymous Lawyer has to be a Big Law insider.

"I know he's come to Harvard to recruit," said John Howell, a Harvard law student, citing the chocolate-covered pretzels.

Anonymous Lawyer's comments about his view of the ocean from his 20th floor office have led to speculation that he works at Latham & Watkins outside Los Angeles.

"Very good possibility A.L. is one of the corporate partners at L.W. in Costa Mesa," one reader wrote.

Another reader countered: "Step back and ask yourself what partner making a fine six-figure salary with half a brain is going to risk being caught exposing various little secrets of this anonymous firm. My guess is A.L. is a current or former associate at an L.A. or L.A.-area firm."

As it turns out Anonymous Lawyer is Jeremy Blachman, a self-effacing 25-year-old third-year Harvard law student whose firsthand experience of Big Law comes down to a round of recruiting interviews last fall (at which he encountered the aforementioned chocolate-covered pretzels) and three months as a summer associate at a large Manhattan firm. While Anonymous Lawyer has been gloating over his view of the Pacific, Mr. Blachman has never even been to Los Angeles.

"I wanted to see if I could post as a hiring partner and be believable," he said over a recent dinner at a Thai restaurant in Harvard Square. "I thought it would last for a week." ... [more at source]

Terribly tactless

Surf's Up!!!!!

OK, seriously, now --- how many of ya'll knew how to spell tsunami without lookin' it up? How many of ya'll even knew what it was prior to the happenin' of this sad, sad story, less, o' course, ya was one of those that cheers for Mama Nature in these sort of situations, then I guess 'tweren't such a sad story, after all, was it?

Women Over 50

Here is a piece written by Andy Rooney - CBS 60 Minutes.

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will not lay next to you in bed and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 50 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 50 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 50 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50. They always know.

A woman over 50 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 50+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 18-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

I'm givin' up abstinence for Lent the New Year

I was jes' thinkin' how I'd like to have a threesome with Madonna and Jennifer Lopez. I figger that would make me famous . . . for at least the amount of time it would take for it to stream over your internet connection. Ya know ya would wanna see that --- and I ain't so narcissistic* that I think you wanted to watch it due to anythin' involvin' myself. Ya can almos' bet if'n it is ver' long, I am liable to be playin' the part of the snorin' man layin' on the other side of the bed as those two sluts are startin' to lick each other in all the familiar places.

*Now, there's a word that simply rolls off one's tongue.

Murphy's Other Laws

"He who laughs last, thinks slowest" and other tidbits of wisdom.

Murphy's other laws:

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
9. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
10. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."
11. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
12. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
13. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
14. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
15. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
16. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
17. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
18. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
19. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
20. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
21. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
22. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
23. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
24. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
25. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
26. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
27. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
28. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
29. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
30. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
31. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
32. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
33. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
34. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Flagrantly pilfered from putermech.

Some interestin' facts I read

Things really have changed in the last 100 years. Why, I read that 100 years ago, there were only 8000 cars in the United States.

The states of Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, & Tennessee had higher populations than California.

Even more shocking, I read that marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter. One pharmacist was quoted as having said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives bouyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." [Bouyancy???]

The average U S worker made between $200 & $400 per year. Dentists earned about $2500 a year, veterinarians between $1500 and $4000, and mechanical engineers about $5000.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea had not been invented.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30.

Things kids say

Christmas gets me thinkin' about things my kids have said --

Like when my daughter said to her grandfather, "You grew up in a different world--You just don't understand. Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers . . ."

"You're right," he said, "We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them--So what are you doing for the next generation?"

Of course, when the kids were younger, their comments were a bit different:

"I don't understand why God lets people die and keeps making new ones. Why doesn't he keep the ones he already made?"

"Maybe Cain & Abel woudn'uv kilt each other if they'd had their own rooms."

"I bet it's hard for God to love the whole world. There are only 4 in our family, and I'm having a hard time loving all of them."

"Did God make fog? . . . Why? Does he like fog?"

Praying: "Thank you, God, for my baby brother. But I think you got confused, because I asked for a puppy."

"In school they taught us that Thomas Edison made light. But he stole the idea from God, right?"

Dec. 26, 2004

Peaches, strangely so, was blue, Opus was waxin' poetically, German-style, Zeebo assumed that lookin' like his daddy was enuff, while Bill the Cat was left hangin' in a tree.

I didn't make this stuff up, I promise.

Trash Day

Well, I'm right proud of myself this mornin'--I remembered it was trash day before the trash truck pulled up in front of my house. I really needed to put the trash out this morning. When my son visited on Christmas Day, he went diggin' thru his old closet for his old back-pack. He found it, all right, complete with a lunch that I had fixed for him nearly a year ago. Kept thinkin' I smelled somethin' in there, but thought it was a pair of dirty socks. Tore up the room lookin' for the socks & never found them, so then thought there must be somethin' dead in the attic--still a mystery 'til he found that lunch. He's really into selling things on E-Bay, so I suggested that maybe he try to find some image on his old sandwich--You know, like the grilled cheese Virgin Mary--'Cept as bad as this smelled, maybe it would be the image of Osama bin Laden instead. He thought we jest needed to put it in the trash.

Anyway, I'm really glad I remembered to put the trash out this mornin.'

Unfortunately, I have to go to work this mornin.' Didja know that the only day of the year that the Walmart here is not open is Christmas Day? 'Tween workin' there & gettin' stuff I need, it's also the only day all year that I was not there, 'cept when I go to the big city to see my daughter & spend the night, which is not too often. Too much traffic, and I get lost too easy. I'm jes' a small town gal, y'know.

I searched and searched but found naught

Seriously. I am so completely frazzled, I cannot amass a solitary thought from that swirlin' cloud of chaos that inhabits my mind. My navel appears serene. End of report.

Gee Whiz--Thanks!

One of my Christmas gifts (from my daughter, who has a college degree)

A thoroughly tasteless gift

Who wants a Pez dispenser when you can have a Poo-Pooing Reindeer.

Twist on Shakespeare

Does this remind you of the grilled cheese sandwich that they sold on E-Bay? (Or is it sorta like statisticians can provide statistics to prove anything you want them to prove?

Q. A psychology student twists Shakespeare's "All the world's a stage" into "All the world's a Rorschach." She says she's serious. Is she on to something?

A. People surely perceive what they want to, whether they're reading patterns in inkblots, seeing "the man in the moon," or hearing messages in shower spray hitting against the curtain, says Leonard George, Ph.D., in "Alternative Realities." Some years ago, a New Mexico woman scorched a tortilla and read in the charred pattern an image of Christ's head amid thorns, with thousands of believers making pilgrimage to see it with their own eyes. Film producer Frederick Jurgenson once said he heard faint mumbles in his recordings of bird songs and believed these were voices of departed spirits.

Then there's "backmasking": Following the suicide of a fan of the rock group Judas Priest, the rumor spread that the phrase "Do it!" was recorded backward in their music, says John Dworetzky in "Psychology." The band was brought to trial. The judge could clearly hear "Do it!" but sound technicians demonstrated that the phrase was really just word parts combined with the sound of one of the guitars.

"I've had similar experiences," says Dworetzky, who recalls frequenting an Armenian restaurant with friends, and though none of them knew the language, soon recognizable phrases began cropping up in the songs--English phrases! In one song, the silly phrase "Scotch tape on a boa" kept coming up. New friends joining them thought this was crazy, until they too were cued in to listen for it at just the right moment. Then they couldn't STOP hearing it.

Rorschach with a vengeance. - source

Now THIS is a stupid human trick!

Found this while I was surfing the web awhile ago ... a very odd way to spend Christmas Day.

The swimmers -- outnumbered by media photographers drawn to the annual event -- built up their courage for the dip by singing Christmas carols and sipping mulled wine.

Chug-a-lugging wine is more like it.

There and back again or half the world has already celebrated Boxin' Day

Yep, it is true. I am home again ... with Gollum's ring. I visited the dragon's lair, but stayed back in the shadows and remained invisible and escaped unscathed. That is the best way to escape, 'cause I heard that actually becomin' the least bit scathed hurts like a whole mouthful of really filthy and foul language. Yes, that bad!

I am glad Christmas is over, but looks like I missed the greater part of Boxin' Day and I currently have a really major shortage of good, strong, large-sized boxes. I 'spect it's likely that, by now, all of the good ones have already been snatched up. I heared that they was a tossin' 'em out to the crowd durin' the Boxin' Day Parade. Why they had to start such event at the crack of dawn, I'll never know. I'll jes' 'spect an alien conspiracy of some sort.

My navel urged me to post this report despite the tardiness of such. It actually relates back to last evenin''s event. It has made me promise to provide another report for this ver' evenin'. I, o' course, was crossin' my fingers behind my back whilst doin' so --- jes' in case. I am actually intendin' on doin' the next report on a timely basis now that I am back home, but I am also purty durn tired 'n'all, and was thinkin' of layin' down for a bit and snoozin' for a little while. I 'spect that I'll re-awaken in time to post the regular report for this date --- but, I don't always wake up when I think I will. Thankfully, however, I always have successfully done so ever' day of my life whether or not I necessarily wanted to do so. Awakened, that is. End of report.

Rudolph escapes harm, again

Well, I dozed off while waitin' 'hind the chimney, hopin' to get the cross-hairs of my 30.06 trained on the shiney red nose of Rudolph. My hand really hurts, for some reason. I think Santa stepped on it while he was tryin' to step over me in order to slide down the chimney. My 30.06 is gone, as well. It was substituted with a paint-ball gun, fully-loaded with red and green paint-balls. Let's see if I can paint some kind of message in the white layer of crystaline frost that coats the earth:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Hey, where the heck am I?

It would have been hard to give a report last eve' as I was not even sure where it was that I was located. I was at the Red Apple Inn, but while I was there, I was not 'zactly sure where there was located. It turned out, this mornin', when I awoke and discovered my whereabouts that the Red Apple Inn is located in Forest, Mississippi. I'd been pretty sure I was in Mississippi, to be truthful, jes' was unsure in which li'l burg within such state I was sittin’. I had happened 'pon the Red Apple Inn via a slick marketin' scheme that possibly only snared me, alone. ‘Seems that I was gettin' quite weary, cruisin' 'long I-20 in the midst of Jackson, Mississippi, and was eye-ballin', peripherally so, the roadside billboards in hopes o’ findin’ a bargain price 'mongst the dozen or so choices ‘pon display. My eye happened to catch an advertisement for the Red Apple Inn, 31 miles away. I was feelin' charitable and figgered any innkeeper that was investin' good money in the inane exercise of hopin’ to convince people to pass on a plethora of accommodation choices and, instead, to drive another half-hour to use their establishment, was more likely in need of my money than was the local establishments. I did, therefore, pass up on that plethora of choices and pulled off the road when I saw that little blue sign they have on the sides of Interstate Highways now to tell ya what you will find at each exit upon seein’ Red Apple Inn. I easily located said establishment, checked in, and was asleep soon thereafter.

I am now in Tullahoma, Tennessee, havin’ arrived, unexpected as predicted and was lucky enough to have gotten here jes’ as Christmas dinner was bein’ served so that I was able to see my sister, brother-in-law, both my nieces, and the fiancée of one of my nieces, in attendance.

It is now nearin’ time for the annual, once-a-year, eight hour flyin’ reindeer huntin’ season to start, so I am gonna go find a 30.06 and sit up on the roof lookin’ for a chance to blow one of them jinglin’ monsters right outta the sky. I am usually an animal lovin’ human bean, but have ya ever seen what kind of mess one of those beasts can leave on the windshield of your car? Like mosquitos, snakes, grasshoppers, and the like, flyin’ reindeer are worthless vermin, in my opinion. I ain’t never worried ‘bout swattin’ a squeeter, so ya can bet I ain’t gonna have a qualm with blowin' that shiny red nose right off of Rudolph's smilin' face. My navel finds huntin’, in any form, to be an appallin' practice. End of report.

More typical luck

Well, my dauther's drivin' down from the big city today. I got up to start my coffee pot, and the switch jest wouldn't turn on. It has been actin' goofy since Thanksgiving--Thought it wouldn't turn on then, but I found that I could kinda beat on it 'til it did. Yesteday mornin' I went to turn it off before I went to work, and it was already off. Thought maybe it was the automatic turn-off, but guess it finally died. This mornin' I beat on it with everything I could find, to no avail. So once more, I made a trip to the local Walmart. I thought I could get by without going there again this week. Well, I parked, went straight to the coffee pots, then thought about that my daughter really likes baked sweet potatoes. Of course, they were on the opposite side of the store. Then I remembered something else--back to the other side.

Still no coffee. Not in the mood for this.

So, I checked out in the self-check aisle to save time, but of course one of my items wasn't recognized. I don't know how many times that computer voice told me, "Wait for store attendant." Funny thing, the same computer voice was talking to two more people, one behind me and one beside me. She'd come on mine, then behind me, then beside me, then start over again. I may start hearing like voices in my head.

Still no coffee. Not in the mood for this.

So, the store attendant finally got to me. Of course, there were three of us who were stuck and she got me last.

Still no coffee. Not in the mood for this.

Then to the parking lot. Funny how when you go to a store several days in a row, you sometimes think you're parked where you parked yesterday instead of where you parked today. So I wandered around the parking lot with my coffee pot and my sack, looking for my car.

Still no coffee. Not in the mood for this!!

But guess what. I've had my coffee, and I feel much better now.

By the way, there's a sign on the doors on the "stuff side" (not the groc'ry side) on the door at my Walmart that reads "Store Open 24 Hours," but there's another one down below it that says, "This door locked after hours. Use door on grocery side." I've never really understood this . . .

Neighbors

Had some really nice neighbors when I was growin' up. Our fam'lies usta visit back & forth all the time. One day my neighbor was tellin' my mom about their vacation. They said that one of the places that they ate out was really expensive. She said that all she ordered was a meat and 2 veg'tables, and it cost $10. My mom said, "Did you order the food a la carte? She replied, "No, they didn't brang it on no cart."

Then there was the other neighbor lady who went on a GreyLine Bus Tour to Arkansas and came back with a husband. She was 85 years old. She really liked to dress up when she went to church. At that time, pointed-toe shoes were the style, but she couldn't wear them because her middle toes kinda stuck out--You know how old people's toes do--Anyhow, rather than be outa style, she went to her doctor cut off one toe on each foot. After that, her feet went right into those pointy shoes!

Back to the lady across the street. She liked to tell stories about when she was younger. She said that when she & her husband were first married, she made him some biscuits for breakfast. Her husband tried one, and politely told her that he was not really hungry. She bit into one, and decided that they were not worth keeping, so she threw them out to the dog. The dog tried to eat one and choked to death.

Reality blogging

Now, Tig told ya that I'm a real person. In fact, you might look at me as a reality blogger. Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty. Everything I have written has really happened . . . or has it . . .

You'll never know. But remember--Truth is often stranger than fiction.

Gettin' into the RamaHanuKwanzMas spirit

Well, too bad I had to quit college--Might have been a great writer--maybe a poet. You see, unlike my half-sister Moolissa, I have intelligince.

To show you, I'm gonna rewrite "'Twas the Night Before ______mas" to reflect modern thought.

'Twas the night before RamaHanuKwanzMas, and all through the house
Not a critter was stirring--Ain't no man in my house!! [Durn it!}
When up on the rooftop there 'rose such a klatter
I sprung from my bed to see what was the matter.

And what to my wandering eyes shud appear
But a fat man with a sleigh with 9 FEMALE reindeer.
Yes, he talked to them often and called them by name.
(You could hardly expect such a man to be sane.)

All had girl names 'cept the strange leader deer
Who needed a nose job (or drank too much beer).
The other deer taunted and called her some names
I didn't hear all, but they refused to play games.

To humor this deer who thought she was a guy
The fat man let her lead these deer who can fly.
And instead of Gretchen, Berniece or Hermiane
She's known now as Rudolph, with nose that is shiney.

"On Daisy, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen!
"On Connie and Cupie and Donna and Susan!"
And I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,
"Happy RamaHanuKwanzMas to all, and to all a good night!"

Tig bloggin' to be intermittent

Lookie!!!! Download this 1289KB MP3 file - runnin' time 00:01:49 of author readin' this post. That's near' two minutes of tittilatin' Texas twang, all for the price of a few minutes of your bandwidth. Whatta bargain, at any price.

Well, I'll be on the road for a few days -- flexible schedule, as usual. That's why I drop in unannounced, so no one frets if I ain't there on time, goes outta their way to make special arrangements for me, or has the utmost concern if I don't even show up at all. There is the possibility that they could not even be there at all. It happens. It is part of the adventure and what makes travel fun for me. Heck, ever'day life is routine, enough, I like the road to be full of adventure. Governed only by the rules of the road, the little bit of capital you can part with, and the limited amount of time ya got 'fore ya gotta get back to the daily grind, and the world it yours. It could be that jes' 'fore I turn east, I hear 'bout some event goin' on in Phoenix that sounds like a hoot -- I might jes' turn left at the corner 'stead of right. Stranger things have happened.

Good thing I bumped into Moona in the ethosphere, huh? She is a natural - and will fill the bill nicely while I am away. Read down through her openin' barrage, 'specially the openin' shot. You'll likely be titterin' 'nough to tee-tee in your trousers.

I didn't have time to fill her in on the regular features, but I'll do my best to keep the current programmin' goin' if'n and when I can find a chance. Keep readin', keep enjoyin', keep smilin', and don't be afraid to say somethin'. We kinda like receivin' your cards and letters. Ya'll gals throwin' your dainties to'ard the stage are most appreciated -- by me, that is. I ain't been apprised of Moona's feelin's on that particular subject. I gotta be fillin' up my paper sack with supplies. What am I gonna need? Half dozen pairs of pink underwear, a change of pants . . . Why am I suddenly hearin' strains of Blue Moon playin' overhead?

[UPDATE: Popup view of packed bag]

Flu shots

First there's not enuf flu shot sermum, and everybody wants one. Then they get more, and they'll probly pour it down the commode.

Now, this is the truth. No bull here. Flu shots are all imported from other countries. Didja know why? It costs them big drug companies too much to do the research when they can't charge that much for them. So it's OK to import the cheap stuff. But try to find somethin' else cheap in Canada, and that's not legal. Go figger.

Introducing my sister

As Tig told ya, I'm jes' a kuntry gal. Well, I've lived in the kuntry for a long time, but I did go to college for a little while, til' I got married. My ex thought he was smart enuf for the both of us. Oops, I'm chasin' rabbits. I wuz gonna tell you about my sister, Moolissa. I hate to tell ya, but everybody sez I got both the beauty and the brains. Poor Moolissa. She talks to me 'bout everythang. She has bad luck with men, too. She's married agin for the 5th time. She called me the other day & said that she was afraid that her husband wasn't attacted to her. She said she didn't understand why, because she has lost 150 pounds. She will soon be below 300. At 5'2" (with eyes of blue), why would he not want to roll in the hay with her? She started crying and asked me to come over. Said she had jes' baked her speshul "chocolate sin" cake and had some Blue Bell rocky road ice cream to go with it.

Moolissa had a different father than me. Mom left him becuz she said he was so full of bull. Ackshully, she met my daddy when she first got pregnant with her, so she doesn't know that we ain't full sisters. Had the same last name & everything. Poor Moolissa. Guess it's in the jeans.

If it warn't fer bad luck . ..

I'd have no luck at all! Who else do you know that could be driving down a highway in the kuntry, hit a pothole, & break the axle on her car. To top it off, the car was towed 30 miles in the opposite direction from where I worked (50 miles the other way. Knew someone headed the right direction to go to work the next day, so took the free ride thinkin' I could rent a car when I got there, Guess what. The only rental cars they had where I worked could not be turned in where my car wuz when my car wuz reddy, and the only mode of transportion that wud take me from Point A to Point B was a taxi --The guy who owned the cab company told me that there would be no problem gettin' me there by 5:00 when they closed (for a price $$$$$$!), but the guy had no conception of time, apparently. Wondered if I was goin' to be stranded outside the body shop all nite.

Then there was the time I was drivin' down one o' dem divided 4-lane hi-ways with one o' dem meridian thangs down the middle. There I wuz mindin' my own business, and an 18-wheeler truck tire kums bounding over the meridian & hits my car. Durn near hit my windshield. Kep drivin awhile but the car started gettin hot cuz my radiator was busted.

And then there wuz the time I was drivin' along on a summer day & saw a deer run across the road. Thot that was weird, then heard a big thud. There was another one chasin' it, and it ran into the side of my car.

Jes' don't seem to have much luck with cars.

Or with anything else, for that matter.

'Specially husbands and boyfriends, but that's another story.

I do try to plan ahead sometimes--- For instance, I always carry an extra set o' keys in the car. Trouble is, I've locked my keys in the car only 3 times my whole life. All 3 times, my purse wuz locked up in my car. lThey jes don't give women enuf pokits in their clothes. Guess their designed by men who want women to look stupid.

Then there was my exercise program. They say it's good to use hand weights when you exercise. Trouble is, I keep breakin' thangs with 'm -- glass table tops, ceiling fan lights, vases. I jes' get too wound up & forgit where I am.

Then I do tend to forgit thangs once in awhile. Like the location of the party with the pot luck dinner for Christmas. I signed up to brang appetizers. Thought I was gittin' there early enuf to put them out, but no one else was arriving yet, so I started driving around lookin' for the party. Tried to call everyone I could think of, but they'd already left. Found it, but they were alreay nearly finished with the main course. I guess I know what my supper will be for the next week.

Wonder if Tig has a banjo

Tig sed he wuz goin' to Alabama. "Spoze he has a banjo on his knee?

Seems like if I remember my geography, Alabama isn't "zakly on the way to Tennessee. Oh, well. guess he feels like drivin'--lotsa gas, doncha think?

Wonder why he's droppin' in on his sister unannounced. "Spose she'd tell him not to come if he told 'er he was comin'? Maybe his family is as dysfunctional as this one:

blog satire, DJ style DJ got tired of waiting for Natalie to update her Live Journal so he could get his turn on the computer. So he decided to write his own Live Journal entry, on paper, and called it a satire of his sister's blog.

Dec 20.
Today I made a PB&J sandwich. Then I farted.
Dec. 21.
Today I made a tuna sandwich. Then I farted. TWICE!
I rock.
He asked us to leave comments on the paper, so I wrote:

OMFG! LOL! WTF??

Underneath that, he drew a frowny face and wrote [listening to: the saddest song EVER]

You probably had to be there. It was funny, really.

20 December 2004 - [source -- ed. reformatted and attributed to conform with applicable rules of blogging etiquette.]

Baby, it's cold outside ...

Like that ol' hackneyed title ain't been used too much here lately. Actually, that is likely the ver' first time I have used it in connection with the various versions and revisions of this blog, 'cause I work hard not to repeat titles. I must exclude from such claim, however, those regular features: Nuggets & Gems, Friday Jokes Funny™, and Eye on Opus™ - which use the day's date for a title, so that havin' two such features 'pearin' in the same day might cause the duplication of a title, and those former features: Rusty Rides Again™ and Wicked Willie™ were episode numbered, and would thereby duplicated.

In the vein of title creation, itself, I sometimes title the post prior to creation and sometimes afterward. I am often clueless when the appointed time for givin' the report draws near. Even on some of my most creative days, the daily wind down often has sapped the last few dregs of creativity from my soul so that I can barely deliver base drivel. On those occasions, I usually find myself of wringin' some ol' title from the report. It is a hard job, ya know, but somebody has to do it.

There are occasions that I am extremely impressed both with the titlin' and with the resultant report. Here are three recent reports in which I felt my creativity shined: Sorry I'm late, but I got sideswiped by a zinger, Ever'thin' I know 'bout Australia I learned while watchin' Kangaroo Jack, and last night's entry, Regurgitated mish-mash from Brain Cell XC-27. In each of those cases, the title jes' popped into mind, and the prose jes' miraculously followed. All you creative people know, sometimes it jes' flows.

It sure is cold and my navel is sorely clamorin' for the warmth that lies below two layers of goose down. In this instant, as you can easily detect, the titlin' of this post befits the temperature of the night. It has very little to do with the actual content of this post. There ain't no set rule 'bout these things.

Read My Lips is an improvisational blog and these Nightly Navel Gazin' Reports™ are 'bout as improvisational as things 'round these parts can get. Me, all I can think of at this moment is how to improvise my way into bed. Ya'll comprende? I guess Moona had difficulty postin'. Ya know, the best of intentions cannot overcome the difficulties of keyboardin' with bovine hooves. End of report.

Moona has arrived

As Tig told ya, I'm a small town gal. Hav been drinkin' Salty Dogs, so hope this is cohererent. Well, I used to live in a town so small that goin' to a nearbly town of about 15,000 was a real adventure. They even had a mall, but it wasn't much after the K-Mart closed), We didn't go much unless we jest had to. Traffic wuz real bad, ya know. Never went to Dallas & Fort Worth (Sodom & Gomorrah)! In the town where I usta live, there was a guy that had a fence made of old commodes. Really. They finally tore it down. It was a site to see. This town was in a rual county where the people thank that it's the center of the universe. My ex-in-laws never accepted me becuz I wasn't born there.

Well, I used to be a caseworker for what we used to call the Welfare Department. I could pretty much write a book about that.

After I worked there a few months, I realized that nearly everybody was kin to everybody else. There were some reel intersting folks.

In the beginning, I really thot' I was helpin' people. One family came in for Food Stamps. They had no income, no utilities turned on at all. I started talking to this couple. They had 2 small babies, both in diapers. Both drinking from bottles. A part of my interview for Food Stamps was to find out how they were managing.

"You have no money coming in at all?"

"No."

"So, the babies are wearing cloth diapers. How have you been washing them"

"Well, I have a wood stove. My brother-in-law, he cuts wood, and I use it in the wood stove. My brother brings us water. We heat the water in the wood stove, and we wrench the diappers in hot water."

"OK, the babies are drinking from bottles--How do you wash the bottles?"

"We wrench them in hot water--3 times (holding up fingers). You'd be surprised how clean they kum when you wrench them (holding up fingers) 3 times!"

"OK--what about toilet paper. You have no income--How do you buy toilet paper?"

(Tee-hee) "We use old groc'ry sacks."

So, management was explained. So I get this idea---Maybe we can get them a grant so that they can have their utilities turned on . . ..

"So, why does Mr. C----- not work?"

Mrs.: Why, he's disabled!!"

"How is he disabled?? Perhaps we can get disability AFDC for him."

Mr.: "I was bit by a poisonous bug when I was in the 3rd grade and could not go to school any more. I also have back trouble."

I wrote up all of the socio-economic information and requested a medical report from his doctor. The report from the local doctor came back: "There's nothing wrong with him--He just needs to be fixed."

I sent all of this in to State office, and they sent back a request for a psychological exam.

I called Mr. & Mrs. C----- in to set up the appointment to see a psychiatrist.

Mr. C------- became agitated and angry, beating on the desk: "I don't need no psychiatrist!"

I calmly stated, "Seeing a psychiatrist does not at all mean that you are crazy. They are just trying to identify any problems which might contribute to your not being able to work. You migh get a check if they find a reason why it is difficuilt for you to work.

" A check? OK --I guess I'll go."

The report came back that Mr. C----- was mentally retarded, and, in fact, eligible for an SSI check. The remainder of the family was eligible for an AFDC check, since the husband was disabled according to Social Security. So---The family finally had enough money coming in to have their utilities turned on. They had Medicaid, too. When they came into town to use the Welfare Department bathroom, all were wearing glassses and had some new clothes. I was so proud of myself for helping them.

Then the next month rolled around. Mr. C------- came into my office angrily, plopping down his gas, water, & electric bills on my desk. l

"How do you expect us to pay these bills on the little bit you give us each month.?"

I kwit that job not too much longer. Being a Walmart employee was much more fulfilling. But I visited that town not too long ago and found that there were a lot more families there with that name. Guess he never got fixed.

I'll literally have to take your word on that -- but I get the gist

blog explosion is worse than crack - might be tagline of one child left behind.

No more Larry

OK, folks, Larry is gone. Sorry, but it jes' didn't work out. He was undependable. He disappeared, literally. I heard he was down under a bridge some place. I am really gonna miss him, a lot. Despite his faults, he was the best imaginary friend I ever had. And despite what the doctors say, he was not another facet of my multi-personality problem. Those doctors are crazy, I tell ya! I know, because the voices in my head tell me they are. Why are you lookin' at me like that?

OK, now that we have that little bit of inanity outta the way, I wanna now introduce you to a real person. Yes, a real and true, made of flesh and blood type person, who is --- jes' this very night, here on Read My Lips, this same blog that you are looking at --- gonna make her first, yes, very first ever, blog post. Her name is Moona, she is a small town girl with an udderly exquisite smile, so I want ya all to be real nice to her.

So, Moona, the floor is all yours. Even though we are sharin' the floor on your debut, these are your first words in the beginnin' of what is hoped to be a long and pleasurable bloggin' experience.

Dec. 22, 2004 [Special Humpday Edition]

Viagra Study

In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.

While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.

Discuss!

A bit of that and some to this [I-20 Travel Plans!]

Well, I already have 'bout a dozen links that I harvested while surfin' this morn. I had been itchin' to post somethin', but still am jes' a bit appalled that after the severe creativity which I thought I had expressed in last eve's Nightly Navel Gazin' Report™ such 'pears to have gone completely unnoticed and is evidently uncommented 'pon. I always 'spect that posts go pretty well further unobserved by the masses of visitors that pass through on a daily basis after they fall from the top. People will often read bits and pieces of the first post, but rarely scroll down to the next one, etc. Although I am admittedly pattin' myself on the back by sayin' so, I really really hate seein' highly crafted and creative prose like that jes' wallowin' 'way, slowly driftin' toward existence as Google search fodder. Well, that was that -----

Now, pay 'tention to this. Tomorrow mornin', I am plannin' on drivin' cross the I-20 corridor toward Birmin'ham, Alabama 'fore joggin' northward into Tennessee. I am plannin' to drop in unannounced 'pon my sister and her family. I am makin' such known so that any of ya'll that might live 'long said corridor from Dallas, Texas to Birmin'ham, Alabama that might like to meet -- give me a holler. Seems that I did this when I went all the way to Key West, Florida, whenever that was, and didn't get hear a peep. Oh well. That was that, and this is this.

Oops, did I mention that Chris Muir snarked all over Wonkette today?

OTBTJTB™

Regurgitated mish-mash from Brain Cell XC-27

George but what I was lookin' back on my paltry offerin's durin' today's run of postin's and I must admit I was in fine form. Seems the neuronic engine was runnin' on all two-and-five-eighths cylinders. I do know that a mislaid cup and eventual search and return to the place whence I get such filled did supply me with an additional 32ounces of that sweet nectar of life, Dr. Pepper, suchly so that the neurons were amply fueled. That is such an odd lookin' word, what? fueled, though likely not half as odd as eighths. I'm watchin' you, you know. Put that back down. You ain't 'spose to be playin' with that! You'll put an eye out! Oh, 'scuse me. I was screamin' at the poltergeist. Susie had one and it seemed like so much fun that I decided to get one. He's a real demon, this one. Has red eyes and skanky breath. Tic tacs just pass right through him, though. I know. I throwed a few at 'im. He jes' laughed. He does that a lot, laughs. And he touches stuff. No, not like that, you filthy-minded monster.

It seems to me that people used to give ya a bit more acknowledgment for recognizin' their stuff than goes 'round any more. Is blogger etiquette startin' to wane with the legitimacy of our form of grass roots publishin'? Or am I jes' some ol' romantic who jadedly hopes that people still think of one 'nother with admiration and camaraderie? Likely, I 'spose, it is 'cause I am a putz and jes' put up with their rudeness. That's me: putz. I wear the crown proudly and yet I ain't even really sure what it is. I think it's kinda like a schmaltz. What that is, I am totally without a clue. It's Jewish, but I'm not. It's a genetic thing, really. Physically, I am thoroughly qualified. It was not voluntary on my part, but thankfully no residual trauma from the event lingers at my advanced age. My imagination, however, has been known to run rampant when the thoughts of such procedure come to mind. May we move on? What were we talkin' 'bout? My putz? Oh, my and it's a long one. A ten footer, at least, and the green is slantin' jes' a bit to the west. Yeah, I can likely three-putz this hole. ^{Ooooh! He said hole.}

Folks, I don't jes' make this stuff up, ya know. Oh, wait, yeah I do. Don't ask me how, 'cause I don't know. This crap jes' comes to me, mostly when I am listenin' to Rush Limbaugh or Paul Harvey or the McNeil-Lehrer Newshour. I think of them programs as like muses. They cause my mind to wander off into weird places, tryin' to escape the inexplicable. The crap is hidin' way back in those dark and weird places in my mind and comes rushin' out whenever I open the door to go in. I catch a lot of it in my hands as it comes gushin' out my nose. What little I can understand, I transcribe 'pon these pages. Like I said, I don't make this stuff up, but like I said, I really do. I have fun doin' it and hope you have fun readin' it. If not, say so. In fact, if ya like it, say so. If ya read down this far, say so. If ya ain't got any opinion of any kind but jes' wanna post commercial links in my comments, go reside within the fires of Hades. As for my navel, it wants your love and affection. I jes' want a big goose. I wanna give it to Bob and his family. That Tiny Tim is such a cute li'l fella. Too bad 'bout that gimpy leg of his. Strike that! Bah Humbug! Bring on your ghosts, will ya! We can set up a playdate for my poltergeist. End of report.

Wow, I cannot believe it happened to me!

I was eatin' walnuts and surfin' BE when I cracked open a trifurcated walnut, one havin' three equally-sized separated meat parts instead of two. A trifurcated walnut must be rarer than a four-leaf clover. I am so lucky, unless it was unlucky that I ate it. I prolly should have seen how much it would bring on Ebay first, huh? Darn it! There's a hole in my sock!

The waves are high but the surfin' is lousy!

Gawk! Are the moonbats barkin' today or what? I cannot believe the number of blogs I surfed by today that are eatin' up the latest WaPo-ABC poll and stories discussin' such results [here is a prime example] and thinkin' another bit of liberal diatribe is worth the paper 'pon which it is written. First of all, it is a poll, and polls, ya'll might recall, showed John "Waffles the Clown" Kerry was destined to win the Presidency of the United States and we all know how that turned out. So, bark, bark, bark, ya barkin' moonbats. I find ya'll's incessant wailin' to be 'bout as interestin' as conversations regardin' PMS an' feminine hygiene products. Jes' sayin', ya know?

That concludes my polibloggin' for this fine day and I'll recommence polliwoggin' 'cause I am feelin' a bit froggy today!

The youngest reviewer yet

Well, I jes' handed a copy of my manuscript off to be read by Austin, age 11. His grandfather is a friend of mine, and said he was gonna make Austin do a written book report on it. I tol' Austin that I didn't 'spect such, but would appreciate a review, either good or bad. Jes' passin' 'long the news!

A statistical anomaly?

I jes' wonder how you can correlate these numbers

From StatCounter:

^{Tuesday Dec. 21 2004}

Page Loads: 411 Unique Visitors: 381 First Time Visitors: 364 Returning Visitors: 17

with this:

With my sincerest well-wishes and all the accouterments thereto

Jes' in, via email:

Happy RamaHanuKwansMas, and Other PC Greetings of the Season

The legal department has approved the following for immediate dissemination:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2004, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Ya done said a mouthful, my boy

Doubtless ya already saw Day by Day today, but Chris Muir blasted a zinger at NYT! Jes' so that my comments don't lose all meanin' in the future when no one can figger out to which strip I am referrin', see the extended entry for the correct strip.

What manner of business is this?

Here it is the appointed hour and I have yet to conceive of anythin' worthwhile to tell, at this point. Well, 'ceptin' Hip-Hip-Hoo-Ray for me passin' the 150,000 mark in visitation. It'd be really nice to get 200K by 2 year blogoversary date in April, the 7th, I think. I believe it is doable. The stream seems to be flowin' uphill at this point and I am beginnin' to feel comfortable with the current flow of my creativity. Currently, however, the current is not flowin', though in any moment a minute amount of creativity might flow forth and tons more babble from my mouth shall spew and slather you all with humility today and for all eternity.

OK, I know that was crap. I really was jes' in the mood to draw ya'll a purty picture or somethin'. Ya'll didn't like my last paintin', though, so I figgered I'd try paintin' somethin' with words. I failed miserably, I know. At least I was kind enough to have slathered ya with humility for all of eternity, though. That ought to be worth somethin'? Ya think? Fine, I'll jes' slink back down into my little corner, shrink into the shadows, and disappear.

Hey, has anyone seen Larry? I thought I told him to have a linkin' FAQ up by now. It might be hunky-dorry to hire a wino to decorate your house, but they sure as heck ain't much assistance with runnin' a blog. Larry! Wherever you are, YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!!

Navel unchanged. End of report.

Back! Back I say! Get ye behind me, Blasphemer!

I have a feelin' that fez shall be banished to Hell to burn in the eternal flames of damnation without the reward of 72 virgins nor the favors of the very Devil himself, as Saddam Hussein was prophesied to receive 'pon his death in the Book of South Park, the Movie edition, circa 1997.

A major milestone alert

It seems that I am nearin' the 150,000 visitor mark. I know that the SiteMeter ain't that high, but I discussed here why it should and could be. I am feelin' so giddy! I hope it doesn't cause me to fall into a fugue state. Sporkin' ya, zombyboy!

[UPDATE: At 08:05:50 PM, some unknown individual in San Diego, CA, likely bein' 06:05:50 PM at the time in said locality was the 150,000th visitor to Read My Lips per the StatCounter meter.]

Some will not be comin' this Christmas

Go read Da Goddess: From Major Dad --- pack a pocketful of Kleenex, you're liable to need 'em.

Note to self . . .

chicks dig tanks

I'll have to mention that I have a tank in my next personal ad. Should I also mention that it is stocked with fish?

Dec. 20, 2004

Well, here we go again with a nice set of links to point out those nuggets of wisdom and gems of humor that I have found here and there through my blog surfin' adventures. All links open in new windows, so feel free to click and read ... the list will be awaitin' your return. Now, for your readin' pleasure, the proprietors of Read My Lips are proud to present:

• I came across this strange but interestin' lookin' blog: Thought Record - Feel. Write. Feel Better. Have a look for yourself. I figger on personally investigatin' such site a bit more thoroughly, when I get some leisurely moments to do so.
• fivenine.net: A watchful eye over the universe. Is it a nebula, as claimed, or is it the Eye of God? "As for me and Grandpa, we believe."
• Man beard? as opposed to what, goat beard? Is their some meanin'ful purpose for this redundancy?
• I would be interested in knowin' the answer to this question, or would I? Hmmmm.
• Evan Schaeffer ably takes on a law professor [and journalist], Jeffrey Rosen, who had the audacity to take on bloggers. Me wonders what the Puppyblender had to say 'bout that? Nada, that I could see. Heh! Indeed!
• It seems that Time, 'sides severely overlookin' my contributions to humanity and namin' Dubya as Man of the Year, also listed 10 things they learned 'bout blogs. Wonkette must jes' be beamin'! Sporkin' DavidMSC for shootin' straight!

and, lastly,

• This ain't ever'one's Christmas dream but ya can bet Bubba had the head stuffed and hung on the wall in his double-wide!

Hints from Heloise Tig I'm a laundry putz! Pink underwear is not only for whiffenpoofs, ya know!

I was runnin' a load of laundry earlier this morn so as to run through the dryer after I left for the office. I had gathered up some sweats that were layin' in a corner of the bedroom and, to make a load, gathered up several pairs of FTL/BVD/Hane's type male brief undergarments as I had gone through since last runnin' a load. Well, when I removed the load, all the assorted briefs were a bright pink color, a pair of the red sweats seemin'ly havin' bled its colorin' onto the whites. So, here I had a dozen tightie-pinkies to deal with.

Well, as I have oft mentioned, I am nearin' the mid-century mark in tree rings now, so I have been 'round the block innumerable times. I have previously faced this exact situation. It is possible I faced this same problem in conjunction with this same set of red sweats and several of these same undergarments. I deftly removed all the undesired still wet pink items from the mass of sweats and rewashed them, addin' a half-cup of chloride bleach into the cycle. If ya do it while the clothes are still wet, it seems to wash that color right back out. I'll know if I was successful in jes' a few short moments, as the cycle seems to be runnin' down as I end this short blurb.

If this wee bit of laundry knowledge has assisted even one lowly poor bachelor in the quest to never again have to wear a pair of unintentionally dyed pink briefs again for the rest of eternity, I shall consider my life a success. ;)

[UPDATE: Well tie me up and beat me with a whisp of ghostly smoke, but that first attempt at bleachin' out the pink did little more than brighten those pink hues into the loveliest rose shade. If'n I was a whiffenpoof, I spose havin' several pairs of bright pink BVDs would be an asset, but to me, it is abhorrent! We'll jes' wash 'em again and add a whole cup of bleach and some OxyClean to the mix.]

[ARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHH! I am now the proud owner of a dozen pairs of bright pink unmanly lookin' briefs and one pink Cowboys T-shirt, which are, for all practical purposes, disatrous! Urrrrgh! You are now free to go back to you regularly scheduled program!]

Was I ever NOT surprised!

You Are a Fruitcake!

You taste like nothing else in this world. And get ready, you're about to get tossed!

What Crappy Gift Are You?

Am I ever! Did you read the post above where I destroyed one whole third of my underwear supply?

It's My Very Own Christmas BlogCard

Get Your Own Christmas BlogCard Here!

spork: little twink

Ya jes' ain't got no idea how hard I work at this!

OK, OK, now this is gettin' a bit old, ya'll. First of all, I didn't get nominated for anythin' in the WizBang! awards. Then, I still ain't been nominated for none of them BoB awards. Now, today Time overlooks me when choosin' their Man of the Year. I mean, look what I did for humanity last year. I personally disposed of a multitude of pesky invadin' aliens from the south. I know I eradicated a dozen fire ant mounds single-handedly without the use of any WMDs ... oh, wait, I think dumpin' a big pile of poison on them so as to kill ever'one of 'em is kinda like usin' a WMD, ain't it? ... OK, strike that last part ... and then ag'in, I have been fightin' so hard for human rights on several fronts, usually without adequate pay, as well. Then ain't I steadfastly typed my fingers raw at this keyboard promulgatin' great ways to change the world on a daily basis? I was so deservin' of this award! It was mine! I was robbed! Waaaaah!

OK, I am over that! So, really, I jes' really wonder why ya'll don't ever leave any comments. Does my breath stink? Didn't ya like my picture? It's my navel, ain't it? I figgered it was scarin' people off by always hidin' in the shadows when came time to gaze upon it. I'll poke it once or twice with my finger. That'll teach it a thing or two, I'll bet. End of report.

A new addition to my graphic art collection

neon nightmare
©Terence A. Russell 2004

So, what do ya'll think?

OTBTJTB™

A whole lotta sweatin''s goin' on...

Can ya 'magine the number of people with money on the line who are cringin' at the 7-6 halftime score in the Dallas Cowboys-Philadelphia Eagles game?

[BUMPED UP and UPDATED: It's cold and rainy in Philly and there is a great ol' time NFC East smash-mouth football game goin' on. Third of the way through the fourth quarter and score is still 7-6 Dallas, Dallas ball near mid-field.]

[UPDATE II: 1:52 left in the game, Dallas on their own 25, Dallas down 12-7]

[UPDATE III: 1:33 left, Testaverde throws over the head of a wide-open receiver and is intercepted. Barrin' a miracle, Dallas loses. It was not, however, the anticipated butt-kickin'.]

That ever-widenin' generation gap continues to baffle me

TESTYPEA relates a peculiar recent conversation 'tween she and a guy friend of hers 'bout the meanin' of why a guy walks a gal to the door after a date, but I ain't quite sure if I understand ever' implication that was 'sposed to be taken from the conversation. Any translators?

Dec. 19, 2004 [Pre-game edition]

Well, here we go again with a nice set of links to point out those nuggets of wisdom and gems of humor that I have found here and there through my blog surfin' adventures. All links open in new windows, so feel free to click and read ... the list will be awaitin' your return. Now, for your readin' pleasure, the proprietors of Read My Lips are proud to present:

• Steven [PoliBlog] has unintentionally discovered what I have been tellin' ya'll all along: If'n ya ain't pingin'

  http://rpc.blogrolling.com/pinger/

  when you're postin' updates to your blog, then ya likely ain't gettin' all the visitors that ya could have actually had.
• C. G. Hill [Dustbury] had to think long and hard on a reason to purchase the January edition of Playboy.
• Graham Lester [Point2Point] has created of a new holiday in an effort to get atheists to celebrate this season, as well.
• Here is why punk rock died:

  Selections from The Punk Vault [Bonemen of Barumba]

  I mean, the only good band name was already taken. What was left?

and, lastly,

• Accordin' to jluster, Yahoo! Traffic Maps also include wireless hot-spots! WooHoo!

Well, this is a short list, but [there are also links here]. Are ya ready for some football? My prediction: Dallas gets a bad butt kickin'. Still, there is always hope. Who knows, Julius Jones could run for 300 yards?

Dec. 19, 2004

Breathed seemin'ly took a break today and used the same scene over and over and over. Alas, Mr. Dallas was all too easily initiated into the cycle of parent-child bondin' rituals. Oh well, it is Christmastime. I 'spose BB could use a break. I wonder what kind of present he is gonna get for me?

A bit of lookin' inward at my soul

I guess I oughta be thankful to Sweet-n-Sassy for pointin' out a great piece of soul-searchin' equipment. I bent, folded, and mutilated my allotment of appropriately sized punch cards, fed them through the Univac so as to tabulate my results, and the followin' card popped out:

You Are a Traveler Soul

You're a thrill seeker who loves to be active and on the move. You love to wander: between places, ideas, and people. A good communicator, you're a nonconformist and interested in the world. You are an explorer, a good storyteller, and a true dreamer. Because you're always on the move, you can be a bit fickle. It's difficult for you to make personal commitments. Don't be so quick to ignore emotional issues and problems. You're much more intuitive and psychic than you think. Souls you are most compatible with: Retrospective Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

By my own calculations, one would say the equipment functioned within normal parameters as 'spected. And jes' think of all the time I might have spent gazin' at my recalcitrant navel attemptin' to come to the same result. End of report.

Dec. 18, 2004

Well, here we go again with a nice set of links to point out those nuggets of wisdom and gems of humor that I have found here and there through my blog surfin' adventures. All links open in new windows, so feel free to click and read ... the list will be awaitin' your return. Now, for your readin' pleasure, the proprietors of Read My Lips are proud to present:

• As someone who gets a bit appalled with all these people piercin' themselves all over, Pierced Eyeglasses is a bit over the top, in my opinion. Unscathed Corpse: Pierced Eyeglasses
• Princess Wild Cow kindly passed along the horrible news that Bambi's mother was found DOA followin' an auto accident last eve. Both Bambi and the car escaped without injury.
• I chose this next li'l blurb not so much to point out what was said, but the locality from which it was made: FREEDOM PRESS: ATTN: JOE SIX-PACK, bloggin' live from downtown Guanatos, Mexico.
• Uncle Jack reminds us to support the Boy Scouts, which is always a good thing, but he was kind of admirin' the way they recently struck a blow at the ACLU.
• The Paradox and Her Dreams quotes one person's epiphany with regard to a successful life and hinted that her own thoughts on that same subject would be quite different. I have always imagined my own death to be a result of my own negligence in the operation of a fast moving vehicle of some type. My life will thereupon successfully conclude provided that I take no one else with me. ;)
• Thank goodness I found this post. I was not aware that my actual drivers' license could be found on the web. You need to take heed: Everything Under the Sun: LICENSE RECORDS ALERT! The situation is URGENT and you must act promptly.
• This was a very sad situation to learn about: ramblewords: Ninjas Killed My Family

and, lastly,

• Kids say the darnedest things.

An interestin' bit of drivel that popped outta my mind*

Do ya realize that if Ted Kaczynski had been a blogger, he prolly would have been a great Green Party essayist and turned out to be somethin' other than the Unabomber? Who knows, he might have collected enough tips through his Paypal account so that he didn't have to live off of stew made outta of dead squirrels and such. One thing ya can say 'bout the life amid this blogosphere, it gives ever' nut-case in the world a venue within which to vent his or her frustrations. I wonder jes' how many lives have been saved 'cause of that factor alone. And that ain't even considerin' the number of suicides that are bein' prevented 'cause lonely people can be virtually loved in postin' their dark and desperate feelin's for the whole world to see and then have all of ya'll come rushin' in to give them a bunch of virtual hugs and such in their comments.

I did warn ya it was drivel, didn't I?

*that will likely never be read by anyone anyway.

To all those young people wonderin' 'bout love

How many of these young gal's and guy's blogs am I gonna have to read where I find them pinin' away 'bout this or that gal or guy with whom they really really wanna fall deeply in love 'cept that this or that is right in their way and there is jes' no way to overcome it ... yada yada yada? Been there, done that! Done wore the stupid T-shirt until it was turned into a dishtowel. All of us adults have been through that first real love stage of life. So, as a really ol' ol' man, almos' 50, to a bunch of immature young'uns, 15-20somethin', let me jes' say this: In this day and age, the early days of the 21st Century, ya can purty well jes' fall in love with almos' anyone ya want, as long as it is legal, meanin' ya can't romantically fall in love with your siblin's, ancestors, and, in most states, your cousins, nor can ya have a romantic relationship with any adult until ya become an adult, for romantic purposes, yourself, but, be that as it may --- what you're feelin' right now jes' ain't love. It's itchy-itchy-coo-coo-ca-choo and soon ya are gonna be jumpin' into bed, or maybe behind a bush or the back seat of an Acura, with that same person, and 'fore ya know it, ya'll two will be havin' two or three or four children and be at each other's throats ever' single minute 'cause there jes' ain't enough of whatever it takes to make the both ya happy and you'll be hatin' yourself for havin' ever let yourself be talked into takin' your clothes off in front of that so-and-so in the first place. When it is right, you'll know it is right, and ya won't have to be askin' questions or discussin' whether it is right or wrong. Now, go on with your lives. Learn somethin', observe, gain wisdom. You'll likely have to be passin' this same message along at some future point in your own life, if ya live that long.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! Why?

Ya know, if'n ya designed a really nifty blog and filled it full of finely written prose and stuff, why would ya fix it so that it is almos' impossible for anyone else to point out somethin' interestin' they found on your site? Permalinks, people -- USE 'EM!!!!!! They are the most tool you can provide to assist others in pointin' out the good stuff they find on your blog.

The culprit that caused this short rantin' diatribe is MadHaiku. I really hate pointin' out somethin' when the only reference link I have is the link to the site's primary index page, since my readers may find this entry months from now and will have no earthly clue which post was toppin' Mad Haiku's index page when I wrote this. As such, I have jes' copied the entire post I wanted to point out and pasted it in the extended entry. I 'spose there will be no necessity of ya'll visitin' the source site to search for it now.

my xmas greeting

You know how you get that family newsletter in a Christmas card from your anal cousin or distant friend but you really don't want to read it because, well, you could give a flying fuck about how they spent their summer vacation or little Joey's Little League batting average or Wendy's little ballet recital in preschool, but you read it closely anyhow, even though it goes on for pages and pages, because you're hoping to find grammatical errors or misspellings which you can mark in red pen with the intention of sending it back all corrected but you never get around to it because you have better things to do and because you're really not that big of an asshole?

If I were sending out Christmas cards, this is the newsletter I would include:

Dear Family and Friends,

Wow, what a year it's been! So many exciting things happened in 2004 that we would like to share it with all of you! So here goes...

This past June, Janet was at lunch with a bunch of her girlfriends when, wouldn't you know it, she slipped as she was going to the ladies' room and broke her right femur. They had to call the paramedics and everything! This happened on the day before we were supposed to leave for Maui, so, well, no pictures from the Islands this year. Sorry! As luck would have it, on the very same day the year before (2003), she stepped on a crack in her mother's driveway and broke her left femur! Both fractures happened on June 23, so I guess she should not plan to do anything ever again on that date. Ha ha!

Sean moved down from up North in May. He'd met this girl here and got tired of commuting 400 miles just about every weekend to see her, so he packed up and moved in with us for a while. Then, after a few months, he and Dana found a house to rent and they moved in. Then, about a day later, they broke up! Sean repacked his stuff and moved back up North.

Ian got laid off and is addicted to Internet poker. (I guess that's better than Internet porn!) He and Maryanne are trying to get pregnant. Well, Maryanne is. So far no luck!

As you all know, I work for a big media conglomerate. I'm happy to report that I didn't get laid off or fired this year. But there's always next year! I took some time off this summer to bicycle across country. Yes, the entire country! Unfortunately, I crashed on the first day and didn't make it. Not to worry. I only suffered a partial separated right shoulder and an assortment of road rash along the entire right side of my body. Boy, did that hurt!

As you can see, it's such an exciting life we lead. Don't you all wish you were us?

Well, that's all for now. We don't want to make you too jealous, ha ha.

Mele Kalikimaka everyone!

posted 12.18.04 | Comment (0)

Oops! Did I do that?

What's the most fun ya can have in a strange, totally dark, empty house? Alli Deluxe* made like a Yeti On Heroin. Be sure to read this one all the way through, the climax will be worth ever' moment of sufferin' through the foreplay.

*So, anyone got a clue as the the pronunciation of Tof Reknin or what is supposedly means?

Page not loaded in 30 seconds -- Click!

Hey, folks, some of us are still mired in the land of bad phone lines and crappy dial-up internet connections. If your page is still loadin' because of your massive title graphic and such by the time the timer hits zero, I click on by. Jes' thought I would pass that li'l tidbit along. For my regular readers, ya can see why I severely reworked my own template so that the actual blog content is at the very top of the page and loads up prior to anythin' in the sidebar.

Wooohooo! I done won two!

Maria of A little joy for today wanted us all to share out happiness. Her post contained the followin' quote:

Not only is there a right to be happy, there is a duty to be happy. So much sadness exists in the world that we are all under obligation to contribute as much joy as lies within our powers. - John S. Bonnell

I am wonderin' if winnin' 2 mystery credits while surfin' on BE qualifies as happy. If so, I have been happy three times already today. I, however, only find real happiness when winnin' 10 mystery credits or more, like once ever' 10 minutes or so. ;)

Trouble tryin' to create* those tiny tags

Ya know all them teenie tiny tags ya see on people's blogs and such, well, despite my best efforts usin' both a bitmap editor and a vector graphic editor, I cannot create one where the text is actually readable. Anyone know of a tutorial for makin' these things? I need to make one for USURP, as well as would like to create one for Read My Lips to make available for use by others.

[UPDATE: Well, usin' FLASH, I was able to come up with these two:

So, what do ya think? Do they look purty good?]

*I jes' could not come up with a synonym beginnin' with the letter "T," and to think of all those years I wasted watchin' Sesame Street.

Ever'thin' I know 'bout Australia I learned while watchin' Kangaroo Jack

A person I count as one of my best friends 'mong those I have not yet met* is my mate, Ozguru. He comes 'round and comments regularly, is always linkin' to my blog, usually lovin' to copy my jokes and then jes' link back to where he clipped 'em, but what the hey - that is the nature of the game, and I am always game, ain't I? We also often get into some interestin' email discussions 'bout variances 'tween life and stuff goin' on in the US, sometimes jes' limited to the local area where I live, and the way they do things and say things in the Land of Oz. Did I fail to mention that he has also pledged to buy 5 copies of my book, whenever it finally gets out. What with my one other person who has promised to buy a copy, as well, that makes 6 books I am guaranteed to sell. I am pretty sure that, if I pressed him to do so, my friend from Oz wouldn't send me a check .... or is that cheque? I might have to go back and re-watch Crocodile Dundee again.

Since I started discussin' movies, let's look into somethin' the sometimes bothers me. Remakes. I mean, comin' out soon is Flight of the Phoenix. I can almos' bet ya that the cast of that movie could not do better than the cast of the 1965 original The Flight of the Phoenix. What is it with Hollywood that they cannot find new stories to tell. A Star is Born has been remade twice. As much as I admire Harrison Ford and the way his career has gone from American Graffiti, through the original Star Wars trilogy and then Indiana Jones, and dozens of other great roles, he could not have played Linus Larrabee [Sabrina - 1995] as well as Humphrey Bogart [Sabrina - 1954]. And they were genuinely foolish to think anyone could have ever replaced Audrey Hepburn. I don't even wanna get started on the remake of Kangaroo Jack,** with Adam Sandler playin' the jackass.***

My navel was in charge of keepin' the footnotes in order durin' the creation of this post. It was a hard taskmaster, I tell ya, but it did a fine job. I think it deserves a big hand for such, don't ya'll? End of report.

Hi, I'm Larry, the newly rehired assistant. I have been supposedly put in charge of who and what gets linked on Read My Lips from this point on, or, until I get fired again. ^{Think positive stupid.} I wanted to tell all of you fine people who are wondering about the linking policy that I am planning to write up a FAQ on the subject as soon as I get back from the AA meeting. ^{Oops, I forgot, I wasn't supposed to tell. It's anonymous.}

*Another in this subset would be that fine person, Pixy Misa, the Saint of Munuvia, himself, who is also an Aussie.

**Oh, come on, I had to find somethin' to link. Surely none of ya'll really thought they would remake that movie, right. The damn sequel has not even been made, as yet. I think the sequel is call Kangaroo Jack Meets Jerry McGuire,**** the plot bein' somethin' 'bout showin' each other some money, or somethin' like that.

***That was simply uncalled for!*****

****Hey, I coulda jes' linked whatever is the next Owen Wilson movie, ya know? Give me a break, will ya?

*****I am capable of chidin' myself for my bad behavior, on occasion.

I wonder what ever'one was searchin' for today

I actually do know what people who hit my site were lookin' for and jes' 'zactly what they found, as well. You can have a look for yourself, jes' below the fold. But, be forewarned, it ain't a pretty picture. As I have previously stated, there are a lot of perverts out there.

Keyword Analysis (Read My Lips)

17th December 2004

Num	Search Engine	Query	Landing Page
2	Google	link dump	Read My Lips - the blog: Massive Link Dump
2	Google	child bathing nude	Read My Lips - the blog: Innocent family photos determined to be child pornography
1	Google	traces of blonde hair and a faint odor of after shave	Read My Lips - the blog: Friday <s>Jokes</s> Funny%u2122 Archives
1	AOL	close-mindedness	Read My Lips - the blog: Close-mindedness about certain issues and the inability to see the truth
1	Yahoo !	difference between cal king	Read My Lips - the blog: I just found that It's a waste of time to ask Jeeves anythin' ??
1	Google	shortest day of the year 2004	Read My Lips - the blog: The shortest day of the year
1	Google	ear piercing and gays	Read My Lips - the blog: Burstin' my bubble
1	Google	read my lips	Read My Lips - the blog
1	Google	children naked	Read My Lips - the blog: Innocent family photos determined to be child pornography
1	Google	augmentin high blood pressure	Read My Lips - the blog: I have <i>some</i> news!
1	Google	cherry mole	Read My Lips - the blog: Now ya see it, now ya don't
1	Google	ford cd4e	Read My Lips - the blog: A bit of this and a little of that!
1	Google	last minute christmas shopper jokes	Read My Lips - the blog: Friday <s>Jokes</s> Funny%u2122 Archives
1	AOL	blonde blue eye tic tac commercial	Read My Lips - the blog: Alien Attitudes%u2122 Archives
1	Google	compound 1080	Read My Lips - the blog: <i>Episode</i> No. 7
1	Google	people in their underwear	Read My Lips - the blog: What people wear over their underwear
1	Google	hippie hollow park	Read My Lips - the blog: Hippie Hollow defeats boatload of gawkers
1	Google	ears like a hawk	Read My Lips - the blog: I have ears like a hawk!
1	Google	photograph of children naked	Read My Lips - the blog: Innocent family photos determined to be child pornography
1	Google	link dump	Read My Lips - the blog: Massive Link Dump
1	Google	alura young	Read My Lips - the blog: The evolution of immaculate creation
1	Yahoo !	tie me kangeroo down sport	Read My Lips - the blog: Damn that Dustbury ;)
1	Google	read my lips	Read My Lips - the blog: Read My Lips Proudly Presents the 89th Edition of the Carnival of the Vanities
1	Google	what is respiration of tiger?	Read My Lips - the blog: Drunken Linky Love, or Artificial Respiration with Tiger
1	Google	biggest lips ever	Read My Lips - the blog: Oh my, was this ever a long day
1	Google	read my lips	Read My Lips - the blog: Read My Lips Proudly Presents the 89th Edition of the Carnival of the Vanities
1	Yahoo !	bloom county steve dallas opus archive	Read My Lips - the blog: Eye on Opus%u2122 Archives
1	Google	read my lips	Read My Lips - the blog
1	Google	lips	Read My Lips - the blog
1	Google	nude children	Read My Lips - the blog: Innocent family photos determined to be child pornography
1	Google	read my lips	Read My Lips - the blog
1	Google	nick burg video	Read My Lips - the blog: The insanity continues
1	Google	biggest lips ever	Read My Lips - the blog: I am #1 on the biggest story goin'
1	Google	decapitation video	Read My Lips - the blog: Google searchin' blunders pay off big for some
1	Google	read my lips	Read My Lips - the blog: Read My Lips Proudly Presents the 89th Edition of the Carnival of the Vanities
1	Google	black eye	Read My Lips - the blog: The black eye might have faded but some of the pain lingers still
1	Google	jism	Read My Lips - the blog: Would you like that <em>with jism</em> or without?
1	AOL	nude children pictures	Read My Lips - the blog: Innocent family photos determined to be child pornography
1	Google	belly button tickle	Read My Lips - the blog: Baby Belly Buttons Revisited

Who the heck said I was nowhere to be seen

Have ya ever tried to download a 2.7MB Win '98 Critical Update over a 28.8K connection? I bet, if so, it was not done very recently. !5 minutes of usin' up all my bandwidth. I never know what the heck these things are 'spose to fix, but why was it broken in the first place? Oh, that's right, it's 'cause MS won't open source the code, right?

Well, I really can't play a banjo very well

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convincing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Hmm, it would seem that I am well suited for my place in life, after all. I seriously never dreamed of bein' a rock star, ya know. Bein' this century's J. R. R. Tolkien will be enough for me, if I can only manage to pull that off.

Dec. 17, 2004

1. Food has replaced sex in my life... now I can't even get into my own pants!
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood-alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ... so I said, "Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
6. Sign in a CHINESE Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas ... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life ... Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
13. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades ...THAT'S A MESSAGE!
14. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
15. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
16. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
17. I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
18. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
19. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
20. How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
23. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
24. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
25. The differences between snowmen and snow-women are snowballs.

My mind is mired in a maze of messy matters

I noticed a lull in visitation 'bout 7:00 p.m., central whatever* time. I'm 'spectin' there musta been a good match on WWF Smack Down and ya'll was too busyin' watchin' them 'rasslin' 'round the ring 'stead of comin' here to read 'bout how I am doin' with my book and whether or not there has been a navel sightin' this evenin'. Well, to answer your question, no there hasn't. There is a severe chill to the air this eve and the navel ain't poked out to even see what was for supper tonight. The chill is startin' to effect me, as well, and I seem to feel that double-layer of goose-down beckonin' me to come crawl under it and get warm. Ya'll'll** forgive me for lettin' ya down tonight, right? Sure ya will. I got a good feelin' 'bout ya'll. Ya sure look like a decent group of folks and I am pleased ya dropped by. I'll let my navel know ya did. I hope ya will scroll down a bit and sample some of the goodies I left out for ya to look over. I jes' can't fight off the tug of those warm covers awaitin' me any longer. My navel seems to be tuggin' me in that direction, as well. TTFN!*** End of report.

*I know it swaps from standard time to daylight savin's time, I jes' never ever can figger out which one is effect.

**Anybody tells ya'll that they're a true Texan and can't correctly pronounce ya'll'll is likely some con artist ya'll'll likely not soon forget.

***Ta ta for now!

Jes' talkin' to myself

Three days before Alura's 17th birthday, the strange death of her grandfather cascades into a wild adventure that forever alters the universe.

That is the basic premise of my Alien Attitudes™ trilogy. The first book, Alura Allen, Alien at Large is in the post-production, pre-publication stage. This work is a culmination of seven years of development. I have never had a negative reaction from anyone who has read my manuscript, thus far only received rave reviews. I am hopeful that Alura, Brink-o-Link, RJ, Hor/10, Brin and the Zartronian Empire become classic characters in the very near future. I thank you for your attention.

If you are interested in knowing more about this project, click Alien Attitudes™ jes' below the post title to access the archive of posts dealin' with such subject.

And 'member 25¢ allowances and how much ya could buy?

Rob Sama published somethin' I have gotten in my email a couple of times before. I do not even 'member if I ever even tol' ya'll 'bout it or not, but this is so thought provokin' and brings back childhood memories, ya'll oughta take a peek at it. samaBlog: People Over 30

More news about the book publication

Well, y'all likely 'member the letter I made available for downloading' 'bout the proposal I received from the subsidy publisher regardin' the costs and such to get my book out. I was wonderin' how long it would take them to get back to me after I set such aside 'pon readin' ya'll's comments 'bout it. Today was that day:

via email

Mr. Russell,

I'm writing to follow up on the publication proposal we prepared for "Alien Attitudes: Alura Allen, Alien At Large". Do you have any questions qbout [sic] it? May I provide further information about the proposal or about our no-interest payment plans? Please let me know your thoughts. We would like to publishi [sic] your book so I hope to hear from you soon.

Regards,

David P. Braun
Author Relations Representative
Dorrance Publishing Co.
701 Smithfield St.
Pittsburgh, PA 15222

I actually have found this person to be very courteous and felt it was only fair to let him in on my current feelin's so I promptly responded thusly:

Hi David,

I have actually looked over the proposal, and, truthfully, it was not what I expected. Financially, my business has taken a severe downturn and I am unsure as how to proceed at this point. I am still considering your proposal, but, at the advice of friends, am also continuing to research other publication opportunities. I am going to put all thoughts about this aside until after the holiday period.

Tiger

He was quick to respond, and I have put such below the fold for your review.

OTBTJTB™

Mr. Russell,

Thank you for writing and letting me know the state of things. Just to ad to the mix we also have another publishing arrangement if the subsidy fee is just too much to handle. May I tell you about our RoseDog print-on-demand publishing programs? They are much more affordable and often allow authors to get their books into print when they would otherwise not be able to.Since there is no large print run of books to produce and no warehousing to pay for, the price is much more manageable. A book would be designed and be ready to print, bind and ship when someone actually orders it.

We have the RoseDog Basic Imprint for $1,400 (no promotion - can be paid in payments of $500, $500 and $400) and the Basic Imprint with Promotional Supplement for $2,400, which can be paid in four $600 payments over the production schedule of the book. In the second program the promotion we use is very similar to the one we use in the full traditional subsidy. In both cases your book gets individualized attention, including the services of our artists who will design a unique cover for you. The book will be published as a quality trade paperback equal in quality to the trade paperbacks found in any of the large bookstores, and it will be available for ordering from virtually any bookstore. We take and fill all orders, attempt to get the book reviewed by local newspapers, send publicity releases to appropriate media and bookstores and offer the book for sale on our website.

Note that unlike the traditional subsidy, the RoseDog programs do not include editing but you can have your manuscript edited for a one time fee of $25 plus $2.50 per double-spaced page.

Obviously there are trade-offs in comparing the two programs. If you would like me to prepare a RoseDog publication agreement for your review I would be happy to do so, and send a brochure detailing the program.

Regards,

David P. Braun
Author Relations Representative
Dorrance Publishing Co.
701 Smithfield St.
Pittsburgh, PA 15222

These figures seem to be much more reasonable, though, I already seem to feel it would take a bit longer to get the book to anyone actually orderin' such, I think the difference in the out-of-pocket costs to me is jes' too great for me not to investigate this new proposal and I promptly requested for him to forward the proffered proposal regardin' this RoseDog print-on-demand publishing program to me .

O' course, any of ya'll actually in the publishin' industry or familiar with people in the publishin' industry that have other ideas about how I can get this greatly admired book into print, please do let me know.

Oh, another idea: I was contemplatin' an idea on how to raise money to promote this venture: Books on CD. I mean, it would not really be all that hard for me to record myself readin' the book and burnin' it to CD. Once that was done, I would have a marketable product. So, how many of ya'll think that is a good idea?

Oh my, jes' where did it go?

Did ya ever eat a bug? Not purposefully, I hope, 'less o' course ya was a contestant on Fear Factor.

Beatin' those pesky neurons into line

Yep, here at Read My Lips, neurons are hard at work in an attempt to create some of the most innovative and bizarre word patterns, as well as colorful verbal visions, that can be found anywhere within the immense blogosphere. How is this accomplished, you ask? Well, 'member that little imp I was discussin' earlier? He tortures the all those little neurons until they produce all the fine crap you are allowed to freely browse upon at a leisurely pace here on read My Lips. I did promise you a pic of that little imp, didn't I? Well, he is a bashful little fellow and is hidin' behind the curtain below the fold. He is, of course, the one in the very somber outfit.

This column is the property of my navel, and it approves of this message. End of report.

Dec. 15, 2004

Well, here we go again with a nice set of links to point out those nuggets of wisdom and gems of humor that I have found here and there through my blog surfin' adventures. All links open in new windows, so feel free to click and read ... the list will be awaitin' your return. Now, for your readin' pleasure, the proprietors of Read My Lips are proud to present:

• Cao's Blog: Top Ten Leftist Americans. Your opinions might differ, but it looks as if Cao hit the nail purt' near right on dead center.
• TS Right Dominion presents the ACLU Christmas Advisory. It looked like another bullseye to me.
• The early reviews say pass on Ocean's 12.
• DJ Slam's Musings: DJ Slam hates car chases..., but what he is really sayin' is movies, The Bourne Supremacy, in this case, seem to continually follow the same pattern. I've been sayin' that for years, though not necessarily where you could hear.
• CUT TO: ‘The Good Son’ is truly delightfully written amusin' anecdote about family life at home.
• I pass through this blog regularly when surfin' on BE and am always amused with the eulogies ya find on RIP _______: produced to honor different deceased people . I happen to be a big fan of this troupe, so was pleased to discover RIP The Three Stooges
• Just A Middle Aged Guy spotted this strange story: WFTV.com - Family - Man Forced To Pay $20,000 Support For Non-Existent Child. Be sure to read MAGuy's take on justice, as it currently exists or doesn't exist, as well.

and, lastly,

• Tasty Blog: Ohhhkay So.. The Story Goes provides a delightful technological tellin' 'bout the wonders of conception and birth.

I am hopeful ever'one is enjoyin' the new look

I am pretty satisfied with my new template, and even if my testin' of the MT3 site proves successful and I eventually move to the updated package, I 'spect I likely will keep this look for awhile. All sites seem to have their own flavor, so to speak, and I have always thought my niche was content, content, content. Such bein' the primary focus of my bloggin' efforts, I wanted the newest content to be as close to that infernal Blog 'Splosion frame as possible.

In the words of one former comment 'pon my blog, I seem oft' to be blogging about the most mundane minutiae,* which, by the way, were the kindest words anyone has ever said of my bloggin' efforts, to date, I really do work very very hard to bring ya the stories that are delightful, that have not been posted on ever' big dog blog in the blogosphere already, and that likely did not make the big board over on FARK. I once heard someone say blogs are a sort of filter, I would have to agree that I filter through a lot of stuff to point out those things I thought were novel, funny, or noteworthy. Hence, by not only my references with regard to such links, the very selection of the links themselves, provide a bit of insight into my own personality. With such in mind, I 'spect I hold such beliefs in my thoughts when I am readin' your blogs. Jes' somethin' to think 'bout, I guess.

A lot of my stuff, however, is original stuff, hopefully showcasin' that creative little imp that lives somewhere on the left side of my brain. I know it is a bit bizarre, but it is 'spose to be. He is a purty strange lookin' little fellow, too. I'll provide ya a picture, later, in the Nightly Navel Gazin' Report™. Ya'll are readin' them, right?

Then sometimes I whine. It seems that a lot of us do. Bloggin' as therapy seems to be a good thesis topic, huh? I still am threatenin' to get myself into a PhD program some place. I have had a thesis topic in mind for over a score of years now: The advancement of women's rights and its correlation to major military conflicts. Like, who cares, right? I would rather write fiction than do all that research. It's hard to blog when ya are busy lookin' through a bunch of dusty ol' documents. ;)

*Ya gotta know I didn't make that statement up, as I would have otherwise typed it bloggin''bout.

Here comes Santa Claus right down Penny Lane

Abroad at home has searched far and wide and found the perfect Christmas present to present to us Fab Four Fans: The Beatles Christmas Records. These were special edition fan records sent out by the band in their heyday and are completely downloadable MP3 files. Enjoy! I know I will!

Sometimes the strangest things make me laugh

Mimi of Mimi's ESL and Fortune Telling posted a picture with such a truthful and most obvious caption, I jes' got so tickled, I couldn't help but laugh.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, such as it is

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one man to decide how to proceed with the rest of his life, he should weigh all of his possible options and select the option that will provide the greatest opportunity for possible future happiness, right?

Shiver me timbers, maties, me teeth is chatterin'

Well, ain't today Talk Like a Frozen Pirate Day? ^{~Oh George, there is a blog behind this little boxy thing I type in a'fore publishin' these posts, and I am seein' the little trios of bouncy snowmen fallin' and bouncin' all over the place and a picture of a little reindeer toy goin' 'round and 'round the browser window. CLICK!~} I mean, am I on the wrong page in the meme book? I was positive that today was Talk Like a Frozen Pirate Day, and yet, I have been surfin' the sites, both blogrolls and BE, for the better part of the day and ain't seen anyone else a chatterin' like a frozen pirate. Oh, there be plenty of chatterin', it bein' cold outside and such, they jes' weren't effectin' the pirate-like methodology, kinda hunchin' and squintin' an eye while writin' down their thoughts. All the hunchin' has given me a backache.

Naw, I am sure me backache is from liftin' up that big trashcan to dump it into the toilet after it had filled with water. I was usin' my kitchen trashcan to catch a tricklin' stream of hot water flowin' from the top of my hot water heater. This event may be jes' another cog in my run of bad luck. Nothin' seems to be goin' right, 'round here lately. It's mos'ly jes' this season, though. Business always crawls to a close durin' the holidays and the dryin' up of my cash flow usually causes my spirits to really sink. Thankfully, the plumber ain't gonna cost me nuthin'. I rent this place. I jes' ain't got no hot water until tomorrow when said plumber arrives to install a new hot water heater.

It really is cold 'round here, but from my readin' of a bunch of blogs, that seems to be goin' 'round in most places 'round the country. It won't stay that way here, forever, here in North Central Texas. I 'spect we'll have a good 80 degree day or two some time durin' this winter period. We always seem to get a couple of those warm winter days ever' year. My navel prefers warmer days. It'd prefer to not even crawl from underneath some warm coverin' should the temperature be the least bit chilly. End of report.

[Addendum: When I refreshed after publication of this post, the .css file finally refreshed and I experienced the site with the new look. Overall, I am pleased. I need to add somethin' to identify the site on the archive pages, though. I'll try to get to that tomorrow. End of addendum.]

Hmmm, maybe I have been goin' 'bout this all wrong

Chase figgers if he can draw some pathetic cartoons like Frank J, he might move up in the blogosphere. I think he needs to get off of Blog*Splat first. ;) George, he is a Large Mammal, too? I guess I better join that Alliance of Free Blogs and get my link on about a zillion blogs. ;) Ain't that the one for which Susie does all the work?

Welcome to HeroMachine

Well, here is another creation I made with the program I was talkin' 'bout. I ain't gonna tell ya who it is supposed to be, but I will tell ya he ain't currently appearin' in the first book of my trilogy project. Although I doubt anyone will jump to it, I guess if I could have anythin' for this Christmas, I would like to have the updated version. O' course, I might be willin' to wait until there are a few more poses available, as it is a bit weird to have ever' character standin' in the exact same pose. There are a few more poses available in the free downloadable version, whereas you are limited to a single pose in the online version, but some of those poses are limited to certain types of characters, and, in some cases, only for characters of one sex. I would really like to have several possible poses, with some side shots and back shots, as well. I might then possibly be able to re-initiate my Alien Attitudes™ comic strip. On that subject, however, I am gonna see if I can find the old strips I did five or so years back and maybe post them on a daily basis at Zongo's old site - as soon as I get through usin' it as a test site for the new design, which, it seems, works perfectly there and does not work correctly here????

Dec. 14, 2004

Well, as no one has commented in two days and, given that not a single person has even gone so far as to answer the simple question I asked in this post, I will jes' have to go again with a nice set of links to point out those nuggets of wisdom and gems of humor that I have found here and there through my blog surfin' adventures. All links open in new windows, so feel free to click and read ... the list will be awaitin' your return. Now, for your readin' pleasure, the proprietors of Read My Lips are proud to present:

• Forced Shavin' shows us how far some guy from South Africa will go to break a world record. 'Couse, I did notice that this event occurred in Aug. of '03, so it may be that Glenn Reynolds has already posted on this story.
• Gayla, bloggin' at Single Again Blog pointed out a Single Bloggers Directory.
• Matching Tracksuits has delivered an early present, Polish Christmas Carols.
• Bittersweet Resonance provided documentary evidence of how curiosity possibly killed the cat.
• A real doctor, Kevin, M.D., warns that Ads for body-imaging health screens may mislead. While he is proudly a bloggin' doctor, Kevin did not say whether or not he was up to doin' late night blog calls.
• Sweet N Sassy of Always Victoria reminds of those oft over-looked things we forget during the holiday season:

  the spirit of love, the special warmth of Christmas worship, the cherished little habits of home.

  There are still some 'mong us that really don't have much to enjoy over this season, but it is nice, all the same, to think of those who do.
• This is touted as The Complete CSS tutorial, which would be a handy resource, if ya needed it. I actually found it on someone else's blog, but as the link was embedded within their own URL and I had to work so as to extricate such so as to see what was underneath, I neglected to remember whom got the spork.

and, lastly

• David Simmer II has a trap set up for people stealin' his bandwidth by pastin' links that call for pics posted on his server. It 'pears that one rather religiously inclined hypocrite took umbrage with his methods.

Simply 'cause I wanted to be the very last in line

Yep. I know ever'one knows this, and I know ever'one ELSE has blogged on it, but I figger since I couldn't think of anythin' better to blog 'bout other than I cannot figger out why my blog does not appear to be mainly brown & white when I look at it is to announce that "Dimebag" Darrell is dead.* Now, can we talk 'bout somethin' else? You pick the topic.

*You did not seriously want a link, did you?

OK, please, can anyone tell me...

if the site looks mostly brown to you? Also, does the Blog 'Splosion thingie at the top look OK? I mean, I can't ever get a good look at it myself.

Hmmm, it must be that dratted cache ag'in

Well, I was purty sure that the new look was done, at least for the main index page, but the .css file does not seem to be changin' the elements to reflect the new look. At least for me. I ain't never figgered out why I have more problem with .css displays than any other facet of site creation. Oh well. I guess I'll have a look-see in Firefox.

So, how do the rest of ya like the new sleek, and further simplified new look? This change was dictated by the Blog 'Splosion framin' I am encounterin' when visitin' other sites. With the various menus and then that frame header, I find I often see little more than a title graphic load by the time the 30 seconds runs. I redesigned so as to have the content displayed as near to the top of the page as possible. I like it and hope ya'll will too.

A long day went without much bein' accomplished

Well, shoot, where did the day go? Here is it, almost over and this is on my second post of the day. Hmmm, unusual for me, it seems. Well, actually I was rather busy, though, at what, might you ask? Well, for one thing, I created several of the characters in my book by usin' the same thing I used to make those two graphics in the last two posts from last night. I also created a few others as well. I was jes' havin' fun and keepin' my mind off of the stuff that is botherin' me right now, which is to figure out what is my next step in gettin' on with my life. I was kind of hopin' the book would be takin' off by now, and I can't even get it published. I'd almost be pleased to actually have anyone in the publishin' industry familiar with sci-fantasy jes' read the damn manuscript and, if in their opinion, it was not worth publishin', then I would know and could go on with my life. The trouble is, is that no one who has actually read my manuscript has said anythin' 'cept that they think it will be a best seller and will become a top-drawin' movie, so WTF is it still sittin' in my lap? Well, 'cause I don't know the first thing about gettin' a book published. I can also admit I ain't so great in findin' any assistance is doin' so, 'cause I wrote about 25 different literary agencies and none were even willin' to talk to me. See, it seems that the age of computers has allowed ever'one to write a book, so the market is flooded with manuscripts and who the heck has time to read them all. I sure as heck can't read ever' blog on my blogroll on a regular basis, so I have some understandin' of the problem. But, I think I only need one person, some avid fan of sci-fantasy stories with some connection to the publishin' industry to read the manuscript and suggest the right person to give it a look over and I am home free. I am jes' not sure where and how to find that right person.

The blog makeover is 'bout completed. I spent quite a bit of my time reworkin' templates and .css files, as well as doin' a bit of graphic creatin'. I am usin' Zongo's abandoned home as my test site if ya'll wanna have a look at my efforts to this point.

Anyway, I apologize for not bein' the best blogger today. I know I did very little to make anyone smile. I ain't really smilin' much myself, but I got so damn much on my mind. Christmas is a bad time for me. I tol' all ya'll that last year. It ain't gotten any better since then. I am alive. I plan on stayin' that way. I gotta see Alura climb her way to the top of the NYT best seller list. My navel is disgusted that I am in such a foul mood and refuses to take part in this report. Another straw, I guess. End of report.

Oh George, let's hope so!

Your Monday, December 13, 2004 Horoscope Taurus!

Finances are improving enough for you to focus on possible career enhancement. Maybe you can invest in a little self-promotion. It would go a long way. Consider getting the word out at a party, or a series of parties over the next few weeks.

I am definitely tryin' to figure a way to get enough money or help in gettin' my book published. OzGuru suggested I begin advance sellin' to raise the money. Jes' for your information, I had an ol' friend from way back when I was still doin' the comic strip email me this mornin'. This is what he had to say 'bout the book:

Finally! Yep, given time I eventually got to down load it and read it, straight through, non-stop. I was very entertained, especially during the Oz segment. The mixing of metaphors, and the blending of several different children's stories was a very interesting plot machine, and the ending was not predictable, at all. Well done!

My friend, by the way, goes by the moniker, Wizard of Oz, in online (mostly newsgroup) activities. LOL I used to be very heavily into newsgroups, but my currently dialup ISP does not have a news server, and tryin' to read newsgroups through Google is the absolute pits.

I woulda been here a bit sooner but I couldn't find my glasses

I am so absolutely giddy 'bout bein' able to do that creation in my prior post. Do ya know what it is like to carry the vision of someone in your head forever and ever and find it so utterly difficult to describe 'zactly what ya see. It's kinda like me, huh? There be a few out there that have no idea what I look like, do ya? Well, I look somewhat like this, only not quite as good lookin', the belly is a bit bigger and the pecs are a lot softer:

Ya can like see it is a bit hard to gaze at one's navel when wearin' get-up like that, huh? End of report.

Now here's a real treat for some of ya'll

Wow, thanks to this little UGO gizmo I found on McGehee's site, I am now able to present you with my vision of Ms. Alura Allen, the central character in Alura Allen, Alien at Large, the book I am currently tryin' to get published, which is the first installment of the Alien Attitudes trilogy.

I have not seen Alura in a visual form since I used to draw her on a daily basis, what, five years ago? I was still doin' the Alien Attitudes comic strip at that time. If'n ya don't believe me, do a Google search on Alien Attitudes and you'll still find a listin' for it on a couple of old toon indexes. I can also tell ya, that she is lookin' much lovelier these days.

Cowboys lost -- ain't goin' to play-offs!

I am a fan, but I'm thankful they lost. They jes' ain't a play-off caliber team. Testaverde is worn out and Julius Jones, it seems, ain't Earl Campbell. And let's don't even talk about the defensive secondary. Injuries hurt the team badly this year and even the healthy team was a superstar or two short of bein' real contenders. Let's keep our fingers crossed and see what we can get in the draft. Anyone college quarterbacks named Manning graduatin' from college this year?

No Real time Cowboys game bloggin' today

I have the game on, but the TV is continuously rollin'. I wish my radio reception was a better, the announcers give better actual descriptions of the plays on radio. There is a some interference somewhere, because the rollin' problem is only on Channel 4. I 'spect it is somethin' goin' on at the fire station. 13 all. They jes' said. Oh well, cruisin' BE as the TV rolls. Hmmm, I see a possibility in that phrase. Might actually be a book in there someplace. ;)

Dec. 12, 2004

I'll trade ya my worst nightmare for those two bomb-packin' walrus jihadists hidin' in your anxiety closet.

One of the most hilarious strips that Breathed has done in a long while. It is good to see Steve Dallas back in action. Be sure to check out the cameo appearances of a few other comic strip denizens in the first panel and throughout on Steve's boxer shorts.

Bloggin' for Books: my initial foray

Well, the topic of the contest for this week was my life as a sit-com. Mine is, but it is a dark macabre comedy. At least the title kicks butt! Without further ado, I present:

The Not-so-secret Adventures of an Average American Madman

In a ground-breaking effort to compete with the large national networks, local access channel 72, KRAP, will be showcasing its own homegrown situation comedy: The Not-So-Secret Adventures of an Average American Madman, a bizarre and zany comedy about the life and times of a small town attorney and would-be sci-fantasy novelist who doesn't own the local bowling alley. This program is produced and directed by Kevin Smith, that local hardware magnate who happens to share his name with the famous Hollywood comedic genius and showcases a thoroughly talented cast.

The lead role is played by none other than local celebrity, Tig Thomas, who amazingly walks through his lines as if this role was the one he was born to play. In the pilot episode, we find our protagonist in the middle of a cluttered home library leaning back in an office chair facing a computer monitor upon which a blank page and accompanying blinking cursor are displayed . His eyes are closed. He sits alone, talking to himself, babbling incoherently about Waffles the Clown and Wicked Willie and that Hillary Witch. His eyes open and he rises, awkwardly wandering from cluttered, disordered room to cluttered, disordered room searching for something, stopping to peer intently at the top of the circa 1975 television set and then to stir the papers strewn atop the coffee table. He flops down hard in a big blue padded chair positioned so as to face that TV set and sorts through a quintet of remote controllers until he locates the one desired, and, with a click, the sound of galloping horse hooves and sporadic gunfire fills the room. Hi-ho Silver, away! blasts from a pair of stereo speakers on opposite sides of the room.

The sound intensity increases as the rough deep voice of an announcer beckons viewers to visit "Big Ed's Furniture Warehouse on Inwood Road." Our hero rises from the big blue chair and ambles through the obstacle course of chaotically strewn possessions and sacks filled with recent purchases to enter into his bedroom. The massive bed covered by a fluffy white comforter and an assortment of pillows fills the larger part of the large room. The bed's posts are concealed beneath an assortment of clothing and head apparel hung there upon. A long clutter-topped dresser, placed along one wall, proudly displays its unorganized array of paper scraps and tiny plastic and metallic objects. Most of the open floor area is covered with piles of clothing. Our hero glances around the room, shuffles through the clutter atop the dresser, locates a large ring of keys, turns and ambles out of the room and back into the living room.

Tig crosses to a couch, near the door, upon which he regularly tosses his long black leather coat and dark blue fedora, to retrieve and quickly don such items. He walks toward the door, stops before opening it to reach into a colorful box sitting atop a stereo speaker and pull out a pair of dog treats, then opens the door and tosses a biscuit to each of the waiting beasts: a sickly looking dachshund and a large mixed-breed monster. As the dogs busily mangle the proffered treats, our hero deftly moves around and beyond the snarling hounds and out of the gate to reach the decade old, champagne-colored Lincoln Town Car parked beneath the cover of the carport. A touch on the little black control on his key chain unlocks the door, which he opens and thence flops down onto the seat behind the wheel.

A short two block drive brings us to the second major set involved in this production: the convenience store regularly frequented by our amiable madman to satisfy his constant need for a steady infusion of Dr. Pepper, our proud sponsor of this upcoming program. "Hi Tig," the clerk, waiting on a customer, cries as he walks through the door. Tig simply lifts the dark blue insulated cup which accompanies him everywhere in acknowledgment to such greeting before crossing to the soda fountain and filling his blue insulated cup with the deliciously sweet carbonated beverage. He then turns and removes a package of powdered donuts from the bread rack before ambling toward the register to make his payment. For the next quarter to half an hour, Tig stands near the front door, sipping Dr. Pepper and shoving powdered donuts into his mouth, one at a time, messily chewing while actively carrying on a conversation with the clerk. During the period, a varied assortment of patrons filters in and out of the door. Tig often moves to one side so as to not impede their progress, engaging any that look in his direction in conversation. Some, out of a sense of kindness, do pretend to listen for a few moments while others gaze strangely at the odd loiterer in the long black coat and dark blue fedora and quickly walk away, ignoring the continuous stream of mindless drivel that continues to pour out of his mouth through the half-chewed remains of powdered donuts. The clerks outwardly remain kind and courteous, nodding silently to the patrons that they are powerless to alter the situation.

Finished, finally, with the donuts, Tig crosses back to the fountain to top off his blue insulated cup with the syrupy sweet nectar that is produced by the show's major sponsor, and, without another word, ambles out the door and back into the driver's seat of his large horseless chariot. A short drive to his house, he fights his way through the snarling beasts, and attempts to unlock the door. After a continuous series of key-ring dropping and the playful dog mangling that accompanying his every bend to retrieve the ring from the porch's floor, he finally is able to fit the correct key into the tiny hole in the doorknob. Once unlocked, he enters, reaches into the box and flips each of the dogs a treat and slams the door. He crosses through the cluttered house to reach the cluttered library once again, and, after setting his cup upon the top surface of the computer desk, he flops down into the office chair, looks at the blinking cursor on the blank page, closes his eyes and leans back in the chair.

Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat!*

Yeah, I jes' now looked at the clock and saw how late it is. Almos' midnight so I need to get started gettin' this report out, whether I am ready or not, so here it comes: ^{~midnight jes' chimed~} So what kind of zaniness can I concoct for your enjoyment pleasure this evenin'. Pardon me for a few minutes while I tip back in my chair and gaze toward my navel while I wait for an idea of some kind to come to mind, if ya don't mind? You're so kind. Aha, whatta find! Ya'll 'member sometime these las' few days where I mentioned I used to belong to some of the MSN Groups prior to bloggin'. On one of 'em, we used to play a lot of games, ever'one always tryin' to come up with somethin' new. Well, the only game I ever came up with, and it was also one I was purty good at, was to see who could come up with the longest sentence uses all words startin' with whatever letter was up, alphabetically. So, the first round would be letter "A."

An Amarillo adult aged armadillo, afoot and awkwardly ambling across an avenue, ably averaged about an arms-length as an auto accident abruptly aborted any additional advancement. (26)

Ya get the drift? If ya play, the next letter is "B," see what ya can do, and track it back to here. Ya see what kinda ideas ya can get if ya gaze at your navel too long? End of report.

[Addendum: Caption contest: My first one ever! What is this bird sayin' to the other:

End of Addendum.]

*Oops, wrong hat!

Much ado about a supposedly white full-grown ewe?

On second thought, just shoot me now. I'll even stand in the middle of the roundabout. Sir George at the Rott.

Ya really need to read this one, all the way through the extended entry.

Dec. 11, 2004

Well, here we go again with a nice set of links to point out those nuggets of wisdom and gems of humor that I have found here and there through my blog surfin' adventures. All links open in new windows, so feel free to click and read ... the list will be awaitin' your return. Now, for your readin' pleasure, the proprietors of Read My Lips are proud to present:

• Well, maybe there is a reason all the liberals in the United States should move to Canada, at least the gay ones. Accordin' to Travis at Rear Window Ethics, Canada is on the verge of legalizin' same-sex marriages.
• It seems that One Whipped Mother feels the same way I do 'bout the pettiness of some of these other bloggers. Although I try not to delete stuff, I have found occasion to do so, and I constantly am editin' out any mistakes I find in prior posts, even if they are months and months old. I figger it is my blog, so I am the one who gets to make those kind of decisions. [Aside to Ms. Lori: If I was in possession of a flyin' monkey's ass, I think I would see how much it would fetch on Ebay.]
• It 'pears that next year, which is comin' up fairly soon, ya'll, is gonna be the International Year of Microcredit. What is Microcredit, ya ask? Well it is loanin' very small amounts of money ($10-$25) to third-world impoverished entrepreneurs so as to assist them in gettin' businesses started and allowin' them to climb out of poverty. The link takes ya to a page of success stories. Karama muchly deserves a case of sporks.
• I have two dogs I love very very much, but I can tell ya one thing. I would never put a fireman's life in danger jes' to save one or both of the their lives. Some woman did 'zactly that in Arizona, makin' the firemen run back into a blazin' buildin' because she said her "three babies" [cats] were still inside. I actually know quite a few cat-lovin' and dog-lovin' people I 'spect would have done the same thing. A spork is awarded to Tania for pointin' this story out to me.
• I ain't even been able to come up with a 100 things about me list, and this guy, Grubby made a list of 501 ways to annoy your roommate. I am glad he ain't my roommate, I can tell ya that!
• It 'pears there is a major dilemma goin' on in the International Space Station. No, it ain't a mechanical problem, and the American Astronaut and the Russian Cosmonaut are not at each other's throats, however, it might actually come to that. It seems they are runnin' outta food and ain't got very much left on board. A magical invisible spork goes to whoever pointed me in the right direction, 'cause I surely have forgotten who did so.
• C.G. Hill was in fine form earlier this mornin' with these back-to-back postin's: dustbury.com: Season's bleatings and dustbury.com: Get stuffed
• Ya know, I wish I had time to read ever' good blog in the blogosphere, 'cause I know this guy's been 'round for a long time, and this is the first time I ever ventured onto his blog. However, thanks to another magical invisible spork awardee that I cannot remember, I found this entry and LMAO'd for a quarter of an hour or so.

and, lastly,

• I really like the design of this blog. I didn't see anyone credited for such, so I am guessin' the blogger did it himself.

Is a new look comin' to Read My Lips?

Well, I been workin' and workin' tryin' to come up with a new logo, and this is the one I decided I liked best. Whatta ya'll think?

I am thinkin' of a new design, likely gonna put the title over the link column and allow the actual blog posts to be nearer the top. However, it is jes' a thought for now. Who knows what happens next. I'll go to bed, and tomorrow, I might come up with somethin' different.

It's totally illogical in my best estimation

SPOCK'S BRAIN, with Lola Davidson as Captain James T. Kirk.

I heard they had actually wanted to do "THE TROUBLE WITH TRIBBLES" but had severe difficulties in contract negotiations with the United Federation of Tribble Performers.*

*Aw come on. No one has ever praised tribbles for their originality.

Standin' in the portal in slack-jawed amazement

Oh wow! I can see myself spendin' a lot of time here ... American Memory from the Library of Congress ... once I get the necessary bandwidth, I mean!

A box of sporks to the friendly folks at Eight Diagrams for providin' the ticket to the show.

Photos from the field

The Rebel Rouser has a few interestin' photos showin' aspects of life on patrol in Iraq. The correlation 'tween the US contingent and the Iraqi Civilian Patrol was a great touch! Thanks for sharin' 'em with us, soldier!

Sorry I'm late, but I got sideswiped by a zinger

Ha ha! Take that Batman! That got your attention! GOOD. I've got somethin' to say, but I forgot what it was. Wait, I'm sure we did this gag before. Any of ya'll wanna search the archives for the reference point? I know some of ya'll are kinda petty 'bout the rules. Then some of ya only be concerned wid da rulz! Then some of ya'll jes' don't care and are clickin' out already. 'N' ya'll're gonna the ones to miss the good stuff.

I have been doin' so much BE surfin' these las' few days and am comin' 'cross a lot of new bloggers. I mean 'tain't 'zactly like I'm Glenn Reynolds or Dave Winer or some of them other bloggers that took up the habit sometime las' century, but I'm past the 18-month mark ^{~clock jes' struck midnight for ya'll highly particular people who fret so much 'bout the dates~} and that makes me a fully qualified toddler-level blogger, or is that bloggist? It could be blogologist! Such high status now allows me to toddle in here and tell ya'll somethin' 'bout the art, essence, or purpose of bloggin'. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Virginia, I know it ain't like I ain't done it a few times previously, but ag'in, it's gonna be your job to search the archives for those reference points, 'cause I've got some bloggin' advice to give. This really ain't gonna be like I ever have done this before. It prolly ain't like no one done it before, 'cause so far as I know, ain't no one ignorant enough to do stuff like I do it, no how.

So, I know that suspense is really startin' to itch ya, so here it is. Bloggin' is mostly jes' 'bout personality. PERIOD. Whenever ya begin to blog, ya breathe life into a livin' document. You have , in effect, created a thing called blog. Blog has a visual presence: a hopefully unique look or appearance. Due to a variety of browsers, resolutions, and screen qualities, such look can be very different to many different visitors. You want to take pride in the face you present to the public via your blog. Ya should be wantin' to show a face 'pon which other people will enjoy lookin', 'least those certain ones that might actually even care to hear what it is that ya have to say. That is the other part. Your blog has to have a voice and it must have somethin' of interest to your intended audience. Bloggin' is a lot like real life: cliques develop, and soon ever'one finds their niche in the blogosphere.

I ain't gonna tell ya'll what to do or how to do it, 'cause if'n I knew how to be the best blogger in the world, Glenn Reynolds wouldn't be sittin' atop the pyramid and I wouldn't be languishin' 'mong the masses mired in the middle of the herd. Jes' be yourself and allow your voice be heard. But before I let ya get back to doin' that, I actually do have one last thing that I want to tell all of ya'll Blogger users: Blogger templates are the epitome of pathetic. I mean, it ain't that those templates are so atrocious, well -- a couple of 'em really are pretty horrible -- it is jes' that about 5000 other people are also usin' the same one you are usin'. Tweak somethin', people! Learn some .css or pay some of these other bloggers a few bucks to do it for ya. While mos' of the rest of us have already discovered that blog*spot doesn't really offer reliable service, my not-so-limited experience has likewise disclosed that there are a lot of other places that don't either. Thankfully, Pixy takes care of us Munuvians. ^{~knock on wood~} Blog on, brothers and sisters, blog on!! Jes' 'member this one thin' if ya 'member nothin' else -- I personally have a ver' hard time findin' fault with any blog 'pon whose blogroll I find displayed a prominent link to my own blog: Read My Lips.

Now with the way this post began, did any of ya'll think it would end up bein' somethin' like this? Even I couldn't have predicted such and it was my brain responsible for regurgitatin' all of that. I 'spose then, that we was all a bit s'prised 'bout that change of direction. I'm gonna lay the blame for such squarely 'pon my navel. End of report.

Ooooooo - now my fingers smell like Pickle Juice

My boss is totally and embarrassingly in love with my crazy mad marketing skills. This afternoon he said of my latest campaign, "Your message is going to change the world! Just like Jesus!" So I guess I can safely predict how my employment will end. And the Jews will be at fault. - Nat!

Keepin' an eye on the inane so that you don't have to

Wow. I was somehow convinced that France also flew the Serbia and Montenegro flag on occasion:

Now I'm confused. Jes' 'zactly who are the chief surrender monkeys of the world again?

If the Scots hadda known Jewish history, Brave Heart woulda never been made

Now here is somethin' I didn't know:

Hanukkah is an eight-day celebration of the Jewish revolution against Syria in the second century B.C.

The mos' interestin' part:

During the years of Syrian tyranny, Syrian officers enjoyed the droit du seigneur—the authority to deflower virgin Jewish brides on their wedding nights, before they could join their husbands. So some stories which Jewish families retell at Hanukkah, such as the Book of Judith, extol brave Jewish women who went to the tent of enemy officers who were expecting sex—but who instead met their deaths as the hands of lone Jewish women.

Ha ha ha! The thoughts of that alone seems like a reason for celebration. Happy Hanukkah, ya'll Jews! an' I do mean that in the nicest possible way. It's on Glenn's MS site, but Glenn didn't write it. Glenn merely pointed me toward it on his blog. Glenn does not need sporks. He owns a spork factory.

Are they tryin' to discriminate 'gainst dyslexics?

'Less you're a BE surfer, ya prolly ain't gotta clue 'bout the little box where ya gotta punch the right number to go to the next blog, but I jes' got one that contained only three numbers: 127, 217, & 172. I am glad there ain't a really big penalty involved if'n ya click the wrong one, 'cause I can imagine there are few dyslexic bloggers 'mong the blogosphere denizens.

Dec. 10, 2004 [LINKS]

Well, here we go again with a nice set of links to point out those nuggets of wisdom and gems of humor that I have found here and there through my blog surfin' adventures. All links open in new windows, so feel free to click and read ... the list will be awaitin' your return. Now, for your readin' pleasure, the proprietors of Read My Lips are proud to present:

• When I first ran 'cross this quote from a story at Country Store, I couldn't believe what I was readin':

  Super-compassionate liberal Senator Ted Kennedy is one of the richest politicians in America, but he's quietly giving back -- by teaching poor inner-city teens to drive, free of charge!

  Ya mean America's most famous drunk driver, the anti-hero of Chappaquiddick himself, was responsible for givin' drivin' lessons to inner city thugs? Surely you jest? Then I clicked the link and discovered the source.
• I don't 'spose I ever tol' ya'll how much I adore cute pictures of babies, have I? Accidental Verbosity - It's Clobberin' Time! I like 'em so much better than cute pictures of cats. [Update: late discovery]
• It 'pears there is another Best of Blogs award contest goin' on, but this one is 'sposedly for those unrecognized personal blogs, kinda like this one, which, despite havin' maintained a large mammal status for over a year and a half, havin' amassed over 150,000 visitors by one meter, and havin' composed over 3000 entries, has yet to ever be nominated for any bloggin' award. You can find the necessary info at The Zero Boss: BoB and B4B. If any of ya'll would like to nominate Read My Lips in any appropriate category, I'd be muchly appreciative of your efforts. If nominated, I'll likely be beggin' for your votes, but we won't cross that bridge 'til we come to it.*
• The Empress** timely provides a delightful and humorous listin' of holiday eatin' tips jes' in time for ya to get some good use outta them.

and, lastly,

• Blackfive provides the details of an upcomin' conference at Harvard University:

  Global Voices Online: Blogging for Independent Journalists, Concerned Citizens and Activists

  of which he has been invited to participate. This is supposedly jes' a small part of a larger symposium on "the use of information and communications technologies in the transformation of politics." Let's give Blackfive a great big "Hoooooo-Raaaah!" and congratulate him on bein' a representative voice of the greater blogosphere.

*I ain't real sure if there is a category for the Blog Which Best Bastardizes Cliches or not, but ya know what I mean. ;)

**I do often wonder if the Empress notices that I am a regular reader and sporadic commenter at her blog.

OTBTJTB™

Usin' the system is not necessarily takin' advantage of it

lawfulgal puts on her insurance defense attorney hat and calls Larry Silverstein a loser 'cause he took the insurance companies to court and fought for what he believed was what he deserved, under the terms of his contract, for the loss of the Twin Towers in the 9/11 debacle. lawfulgal sarcastically states:

Way to take advantage of the system, Larry.

I thought it strange how she almos' gleefully proclaimed:

And boy are those insurance companies angry. One of the dozen that Silverstein fought, Industrial Risk Insurers, will be filing an appeal along with the rest.

Hmm, so are not they, too, takin' advantage of the system? Her real gripe, it seems is that he even cared to claim his loss given what so many others lost when the towers fell:

But to Silverstein, it was merely a business disaster.

"Go away kid, you're botherin' me"*

I found the followin' comment on my site yesterday:

your web page is rubbish there isnt anything on alomst you need to improve it a lot no wonder you hardly have anyone looking on your web site

O' course, immediately I deleted such, as such comment was pure rubbish, especially if you consider the post to which it was attached. I did, however, respond to the commenter via email to Dawnkid39@aol.com,** thusly:

So, if I may ask, where is yours? I would love to see how one is supposed to be done.

I jes' found the followin' reply in my inbox:

its my opinion and i think it is rubish and i have proof so shut up

I'll agree that such is an opinion and I also agree that such opinion is rubbish, and I think you havin' 'spressed such is 'bout all the proof that I or any of my mature adult readers need to come to the conclusion your opinion is worth less than the effort it took any of us to read it.

*To paraphrase the great W. C. Fields.

**Email address flagrantly displayed in hopes that any commercial entities sellin' grow up pills or some similar product will barrage said Dawnkid39@aol.com with messages offerin' to sell a lifetime supply of same.

Dec. 10, 2004

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange look and said. "Why don't you just put it in park?"

I really was only playin' for the prize money, ya know

Well, seems I did not do well in the Mystery credit winnin' on Blog 'Splosion tonight. I only won 3 of such, which is a severely paltry showin' indeed.

In other news, I thought surely I came close to my 26 post daily record today, or, at least, I think that is the record number, but ain't really sure anyway. I know I have posted close to that number on many occasions, but got nowhere near that many today. I ain't sure why I thought I had. Maybe 'cause I forgot that I was busy all mornin' and didn't post anythin' until later this afternoon.

I didn't bathe today. That is highly unusual for me, but, did I previously tell ya'll how my shower head would drip right down onto the tub faucet and splash all over me while I was doin' whatever durin' the time it took the tub to fill? If I didn't, now ya know. Well, anyway, I didn't report yesterday that the plumber finally came by yesterday mornin' while I was lolli-gaggin' round after gettin' back from goin' to the monthly settin' for one of the two district courts that cover our county. I didn't show I had anythin' set, but I always have the date on my calendar, jes' in case, and will drop by to insure I didn't forget a settin' of some type. Well, I didn't have anythin', so I came back to the house for some reason or other. So the plumber sees my car in the drive and decides yesterday is a good day to fix my shower. The part didn't work, so the shower is not fixed, but whatever the plumber did screwed up the water pressure to the faucet. The water ran for over an hour this mornin' and didn't come close to fillin' the tub. I was runnin' late and had to jes' skip my mornin' bathin' ritual.

My navel is unwashed. End of report.

Yikes, hide your valuables*

Bill has become a Munuvian. Now, don't get me wrong. I am glad to know that Bill is still among the livin' and all, but with him now bein' a full fledged card carryin' member of the Munuvian Empire, does that mean I am no long allowed to give him back-handed snarky compliments. I know the one thing I am very very glad of, that is that, bein' as I outrank him in the Munuvian peckin' order, I ain't gonna be the one assigned to deal with whatever afflictions attack that thing he sits upon. WB BIll!

*Hey, that one's much better than the first three attempts.

And now, for your viewin' pleasure, he is happy to present...

The Right Reverend and Ruler of all Munuvia, Pixy Misa, has uploaded a whole bunch of anime movies for your downloadin' pleasure.

Damn it Jim, there's gravy on my tie

So, did you dress accordin' to plan today?

Spork to Wonkette.

Watch out Jimbo, he's right behind ya

Glenn Reynolds was seen stalkin' Jimbo of Parkway Rest Stop. After the local constabulary stepped in to assist in whatever manner they could, like they did in the Jimmy Hoffa incident, it was disclosed that said avowed puppy blendin' blogger was jes' hopin' that Jimbo could introduce him to Jeff Goldstein.

So why don't ya jes' tell us why you did that?

The news story begins:

A book of suicide notes has become a surprising Christmas bestseller in Germany. [full story]

Deservin' spork awardee: Places for Writers

Dec. 9, 2004 [A totally BE Edition]

Well, here we go again with a nice set of links to point out those nuggets of wisdom and gems of humor that I have found here and there through my blog surfin' adventures. All links open in new windows, so feel free to click and read ... the list will be awaitin' your return. Now, for your readin' pleasure, the proprietors of Read My Lips are proud to present:

• Ruby Bean posts 'bout a strange conversation she had with the Installation Volunteer Coordinator at an Army Post. I see SNAFU is still in effect. [Warnin' - language inappropriate for underage and sensitive users.]
• spacelawyer provided the heads up that the US government has cleared the way for space tourism. O' course, the FAA gets to be the regulatin' agency. I 'spose that means I gotta get clearance from the tower prior to launch, now.
• In a strange move for me, I am gonna post somethin' from someone actually callin' himself Frenchman, but I thought the idea of US citizens disguisin' themselves as Canadians when visitin' France was hilarious.
• If'n I 'member correctly, strang was warnin' us of some breaches in security affectin' all browsers, but now I can't reach his site. I am guessin' those hackers wasn't happy 'bout bein' narced on and hacked his site. Here's that link, though. Maybe you will have better luck.
• The lovely Heidi pointed out that, after bein' fired as spokesman for hookin' children on cigarettes, Joe Camel has a brand new gig sellin' Arabic kids syrup. - Although Heidi got added to my Texas roll, a spork must be awarded to MJ [I don't think it's that one ].
• I actually read 'bout this event yesterday, but forgot to post on it. Thankfully Peaceable Primate Sanctuary found time to do so.

  BROOKFIELD, Illinois (AP) -- After Babs the gorilla died at age 30, keepers at Brookfield Zoo decided to allow surviving gorillas to mourn the most influential female in their social family.

  One by one Tuesday, the gorillas filed into the Tropic World building where Babs' body lay, arms outstretched. Curator Melinda Pruett Jones called it a "gorilla wake." [full story]

  I am thinkin' that I am gonna put such in my will that after I die, I wanna have a gorilla wake and am bettin' it'll be a fun time for all involved.
• Oh my goodness, what do we have here?

  I am such a sucky (not lucky) law student. Seriously. - KJ of Shhhh[x3]

  Now, that is a sign of a good future lawyer, honesty.
• Surely ya'd think there'd be a huge worldwide demand to learn pig latin [pop-up graphic] - found on once again
RITE TURN ONLY blogger, Len Kutchma, points out that the Canadian Mounties are 'spectin' terrorists of slippin' secret messages in digital files. I used to belong to one of them MSN Groups 'fore I decided bloggin' was much more fun, and often we would find these large graphics full of Arabaic characters posted. Ever'time I saw one of 'em, I immediately alerted the FBI, but I am sure there are plenty of such things that go unnoticed. I mean how are ya gonna look for certain word patterns when they are a part of a .jpg file?

and, lastly,

• It 'pears there was a bit of fisticuffs goin' on between a bunch of red-suited Santas in Wales. [BBC Story] - while King of Fools was sittin' idly by searchin' for a clean spork.

Ya better grab your nuts and run!

I am tellin' ya, this guy means business!

Oh, crud, somebody is owed a spork for this one, but I hit the next number on the BE whatch-ma-call-it 'fore takin' down the name. If'n it is yours, squawk up in the comments, and I'll fix it on the big board.

[Update: After I posted this blurb, I discovered that, earlier, Pablo Paredes came face to face with this vicious entity but escaped unscathed. It was determined that he, young Mr. Paredes, lacked a suffiecient amount of the necessary equipment to interest said nut-hunter.]

OTBTJTB™

In the There is no room in the Inn Dept.

It was quite a sight having 60-some people standing outside in below freezing weather, by a dumpster with candles in hand singing "Silent Night", praying, and doing responsive readings. - joshua.michael

International theft via the Internet not involvin' Nigerians

More of those idiots who think I am among the idiots who falls for this crap:

Security Center
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Military Grade encryption is only the start

At PayPal, we want to increase your security and comfort level with every transaction. From our Buyer and Seller Protection Policies to our Verification and Reputation systems, we'll help to keep you safe.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We recently noticed one or more attempts to log in to your PayPal account from a foreign UP address and we have reasons to believe that your account was hijacked by a third party without your authorization.

If you recently accessed your account while traveling, the unusual log in attempts may have been initiated by you. However, if you are the rightful holder of the account, click on the link below to log into your account and follow the instructions.

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_ver-login

If you choose to ignore our request, you leave us no choice but to temporally suspend your account.

We ask that you allow at least 72 hours for the case to be investigated and we strongly recommend to verify your account in that time.

If you received this notice and you are not the authorized account holder, please be aware that it is in violation of PayPal policy to represent oneself as another PayPal user. Such action may also be in violation of local, national, and/or international law. PayPal is committed to assist law enforcement with any inquires related to attempts to misappropriate personal information with the intent to commit fraud or theft Information will be provided at the request of law enforcement agencies to ensure that perpetrators are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Thanks for your patience as we work together to protect your account.

Sincerely,
PayPal Account Review Department
PayPal, an stay Company

Uh yeah, if you are really from PayPal, the why is your URL in the letter listed as

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_ver-login

but it actually goes to

http://onlyfree.de/php/artmedic_hpmaker/user/login.htm[*]

which also attempted to change my browser start page and was throwin' of pop-ups like crazy when I clicked it closed.

*I normally would have not posted such link publicly so as to assist such entity in any way, but as it is not a clickable link and all language around it suggests it is a site fraught with fraud, deceit, and criminal intent, I felt that makin' it available for Google searchers might be doin' the unsuspectin' denizens of the wild woolly web a public service.

So they are still wantin' to give me a FREE IPOD

Ever'where I turn while connected to the wild woolly web: blogs, email, and those pop-ups that slip in when I turn the danged pop-up blocker off in order to post little draft tidbits to use later in Nuggets and Gems, and there are more offers for free ipods than I can shake a stick at, mainly 'cause I ain't got no stupid stick and my wrists hurt so bad here of late that it is 'bout all I can do to shake the dew off the lily. I ain't even wantin' no ipod. I done tol' ya'll, I want my flyin' car.

There has definitely been a mix-up somewhere

Your Thursday, December 9, 2004 Horoscope Taurus!

Your actions could accidentally put you in the public eye. If you are not used to the gaze of the masses, the shy side of Taurus could cause you to freeze in the face of so many potential admirers. Maintain the appearance of effortlessness for best results.

Wow, the only thing that would fit this scenario is if I wet myself or somethin' while standin' in the checkout line at the Dollar General since I am 'spectin' to drop in there later to fetch 'nother bag of kibble and a fresh supply of dog biscuits..

'Twas a day like none other

Yep, such is so very very true. As far as I know, there has never previously been a December 8, 2004, at least not in this century. Now, I could be wrong, but I a purty sure that I ain't. I'd almos' be willin' to bet some money on it. ^{~egads! I plum' forgot to buy my lotto ticket~} 'Course, I ain't got no money and, willin' as I might be to bet, I'm sadly without the means to do so.

My navel did much better than my weenie wolf, today. I ain't real sure 'zactly what occurred, but I think he got whupped up on by a much bigger dog. That happens to him quite often, as he believes that he is a rottweiler. Duke is crouched at the back of his house lickin' his wounds, or, mos' likely, lickin' off the bacterial antiseptic that I used to doctor his wounds. I'm convinced that he definitely ain't feelin' well, 'cause I tried to give 'im a piece of left over hamburger from my own dinner. He refused it even though I held it right in front of his nose. Normally such a treat would have been snatched so quickly from my hand that I'd be forced to check that I wasn't missin' a finger or two.* I've continually checked on him, though, and he 'pears to be improvin' hour by hour. I 'spect he'll be back up and ready to fight pit bulls soon.

My navel couldn't fight its way outta a knit sweater. I know. I got it firmly confined within one as I pen this tiny tome. End of report.

*Though rare, he has, on occasion, errantly** bitten the hand that feeds him.

**I have had reason to question his motivations with regard to a couple of incidents.

Dec. 8, 2004 [R.I.P. John]

Well, here we go again with a nice set of links to point out those nuggets of wisdom and gems of humor that I have found here and there through my blog surfin' adventures. All links open in new windows, so feel free to click and read ... the list will be awaitin' your return. Now, for your readin' pleasure, the proprietors of Read My Lips are proud to present:

• blogoSFERICS: Unintended Consequences 101 talk 'bout cuttin' off somethin' to spite somethin' or somethin' like that.
• WorldNetDaily: Angels photographed over nation's capital? Angels? They'll do anythin' to dispell UFO sightin's these days, won't they? Feste deserves a much needed sporkin' it seems.
• Rodney Olsen posts 'bout a study which he believes shows that

  smoking makes you stupid.

  As a former smoker, myself, I see this statement:

  Smokers performed significantly worse in five different cognitive tests than did both former smokers and those who had never smoked [source]

  as sayin' that there was jes' some severe jonesin' for nic sticks goin' on, distractin' attention from the task at hand -- not evidence of stupidity. Oh, wait, ya do kinda do gotta be stupid to start smokin' in the first place.
• Hey, Dude! Stick to the political stuff and leave the pointin' out the silly stuff to me.

and, lastly,

• I received the subject poem of this page in my email, not properly attributed. Accordin' to the information that you will find here, it is sent 'round ever' Christmas, oft either unattributed or wrongfully attributed. Jes' so's ya know.

Drat, Nat, I had somethin' to add

I ain't oft that I can find a hole in one of those funny yarns Natalie strings together, but ya forgot to tell 'im 'bout your girlfriend.

Show of hands! Who's never 'sperienced this frustration?

Although we might not have 'spressed it in 'zactly these words, I am sure we have all felt this:

flying the friendly skies of blogspot can be an interesting exercise at times. - Hunter

Any of ya'll that get past the first paragraph, email me a nutshell version. It 'peared to have a flavor of moonbat barkin', from my quick scroll down to the permalink.

The wee li'l Scotsman turned awfully red in the face*

Accordin' to Jim,** he happened 'pon a bloggin' celebrity*** at the local Sack n' Save.

*A fully-wrapped, brand-new right off the boat direct from China, box of mixed red and green sporks to the first of ya'll that can 'splain the 'cause of that titlin'.

**No relation to the television show starrin' Toga John's bubba, Jim.

***No Virginia, 'tweren't Glenn Reynolds. You'll jes' have to click the danged link and check it out for yourself.

Good 'zamples of such are not all that unusual

It's amazing what people will do in lieu of getting a life. - Sadie's Dad

Have ya already checked for massage at yellowpages.com?

Now why would someone connected to the Federal Hearings And Appeals Services Inc. have been searchin' Yahoo using these terms: "ritz carlton" & Philadelphia & "working girl"? Do ya think either Denny Neagle or Hugh Grant were involved?

"No President had ever witnessed such a thing on his inaugural day."

My signed-sealed-and-delivered Democratic friend hoisted his copy of Fahrenheit/911 on me. It is initiated with the premise that it is one-sided, then delivers a line that shows up barkin' moonbats for what they are: uncivilized.

No President had ever witnessed such a thing on his inaugural day.

The movie, after providin' the evidence of the lawful certification of the election results by the losin' opponent, who, by governin' the situation under only the strictest construction of the rules, displayed honor and integrity, admits that, as the newly elected President of the United States approached the Whitehouse on Inaugural Day, a crowd of disenchanted voters threw eggs at his car.

No President had ever witnessed such a thing on his inaugural day.

No President had ever witnessed such appallin' behavior by the supporters of his opposition on his inaugural day. And who really bears the shame in this incident? George! Your own champion chose to out your crass barbarian behavior to the masses in this movie?

He went to sleep that night on a bed made of fine French linens.

WTF? Is this impeachable conduct? Was he 'spose to sleep on a bed of thorns? I jes' ain't catchin' the ulterior motive behind this inference.

It ain't even good propaganda. Michael Moore needs to get a job behind a counter at 7-11. Click!

The world's 1st blog blurb posted via carrier pigeon?

Sharp Corners: Snip

The high speed cable on the outside of my house got snipped yesterday and is scheduled for repair on Thursday (Friday at the latest) so I'll be offline a day or so. Grrrrr.

_{December 08, 2004 at 12:51 PM}

In the midst of inanity we find a spark of truth*

I am actually surprisingly qualified for this job, as I have a long history of watching reruns of “Casulty” when I should’ve been attending spelling courses in college. - Fez

*Did ya spot it? I am not sure, however, 'pon readin' Fez's stuff that such was not done on purpose.

Life ain't all jes' a bag of Doritos^®, ya know?

You're always hearing about pre-meditated murders on the news. But I prefer my homicides to be spontaneous; otherwise it just feels contrived. Call me a romantic. - Lightning Bug's Butt

Decisions, decisions, decisions

I am dead in the middle of a major change of some sort in my life. I ain't real sure what change that might be and, as fearless as I am on a usual basis, I am quakin' in my boots wonderin' which way to turn: right, left, north, south, up, down, in or out? I can't decide and don't know where to go for help. I miss my momma. End of report.

[Addendum: I am almost 50 years old and it has been a long long time since I last cried. For some reason, I jes' started to do so. End of addendum.]

Dec. 7, 2004*

Well, here we go again with a nice set of links to point out those nuggets of wisdom and gems of humor that I have found here and there through my blog surfin' adventures. All links open in new windows, so feel free to click and read ... the list will be awaitin' your return. Now, for your readin' pleasure, the proprietors of Read My Lips are proud to present:

pickle juice - jes' whistle if ya want me.
• Ramblings of Silver Blue: Afternoon Humour - real yuk! yuk! stuff. Scroll up for another.
• 
  Which 1980's Cartoon Character are you?
  created with QuizFarm.com

  Deb+spork.

• Rear Window Ethics: Bush Billboards in Florida - moonbat whimperin'? boohoo! BE
• No snow whines the this one and that one. She's North Dakota. Brr!

*That was the date when I began this creation.

It musta been a cat or somethin'

Note the very strange spike of page loadin' that occurred 'bout 5:00/17:00? Someone from Blog 'Splosion seemed to have loaded the same page over 70 times durin' that period. Weird?

On another note: I had a 42.74% click-through rate on my BE banner. It mus' be pretty effective:

Word from the publisher finally arrives

Well, I got my response from Dorrance Publishing Co. today. I 'specially liked this li'l blurb:

Overall your contribution is designed to capture the imagination as well as to enlighten and provoke thought.

Download RTF file of scanned/OCR'd letter. The amount necessary to have this book printed in paperback form is a tad more than I envisioned for havin' it published in hardback form. I am pretty sure I can scrape together the five grand+ that is due 'pon acceptance of the contract, but not sure where I am gonna get the remainder. So, how did that guy sell all his stuff on Ebay, ag'in?

[UPDATE: Jes' wanted to let ya in on a few housekeepin' matters with regard to the Alien Attitudes™ project. I added an Alien Attitudes™ category and changed the category or, as this project was oft' mentioned in many of the Nightly Navel Gazin' Reports™, added such as a secondary category, on any post mentionin' Alura. I also linked Hor/10's pic in the upper right corner to the Alien Attitudes™ Category Archive. As I have been steadily handin' out cards 'pon which this URL is printed made 'specially in hopes of gettin' people interested in askin' for and, eventually, buyin' my book, I thought it may be prudent to point them toward pertinent information.]

[UPDATE II: Oh, I failed to mention that someone mentioned to me yesterday that John Grisham started out sellin' copies of his book outta the trunk of his car. I plan to go this route too, as soon as I can get finally get it out in print. ]

OTBTJTB™

The day the giant fully awoke

Today is the anniversary of the surprise attack upon the US Naval base in Pearl Harbor. If you would like to know more about this event, I personally recommend a visit to National Geographic's Remembering Pearl Harbor site.

With my sincerest apologies to Oz Guru

On November 22, I mentioned how my StatCounter always seemed to be showin' so many more visitors on a daily basis than my SiteMeter. My account convinced OzGuru to give it a whirl and, after he did so, I watched his numbers for a couple of days to confirm my belief. I did not, however, observe a marked difference in the numbers returned by the two meters on his site. The substantial difference in numbers on my site continued. I am unsure why it hadn't dawned on me earlier, but I had installed the StatCounter script on ever' page, includin' individual archive pages, whereas the SiteMeter was installed solely on Read My Lip's primary index page. Last evenin', I added the SiteMeter script to the exact same pages that contain the StatCounter script. The numbers are now comin' in fairly identically.

Current page loads: SiteMeter - 198
StatCounter - 184

---

Current daily visitors: SiteMeter - 177
StatCounter - 169

I still prefer the greater array of information that you get from StatCounter, but SiteMeter provides one statistic which StatCounter does not: hourly visitation numbers. Given such analysis and disclosure, that leaves me with a question of bloggin' ethics: Bein' how I have established that the StatCounter numbers are slightly lower than those received via SiteMeter, is it wrong of me to believe that I am closin' in quickly on the 150,000 mark?

Sometimes ya feel like a nut, sometimes ya found that ya are one

Wee wee BE. Seems the the more ya surf, the more visitors they send you way. 'Course, funny thing is, I was always gettin' a purty nice share of visitors, at any rate. Bein' the king of the Google searches, or at least one of the king's boot lickin' lackeys, I found I had more daily visitors than daily readers. I don't necessarily want the click-throughs, but I find myself often wishin' that 30 second timer would speed up a bit, so I know I ain't gonna please all the people. However, I was of the 'pinion that surely a large percentage of people would find some entertainment in my mundane diatribes. I jes' assume that such would equate the level of popularity that I possess IRL. Oh wait, IRL people encircle me in hopes they can convince me to assume responsibility for their problems gratis. At least ya'll ain't askin' me for nuthin' -- even though I often ask ya to do so. How very many times over the last year-and-a-half-plus have I asked ya'll to provide me a bit more feedback with regard to what ya like and don't like so as to guide me toward makin' this the sort of site ya'll want it to be.

Yep, I seem to have too little time to see all those blogs. BE keeps sendin' me to some really cool new blogs. I have added quite a few new ones to the blogroll and have blogmarked a lot in my BE console. I jes' ain't got the time it takes to keep up with it all. I fretted so much 'bout readin' ever' word that so many of ya'll had placed 'pon the electronic platters of your respective blogs that I forgot that Dallas was playin' on Monday Night Football. 'Course, mighta been a good thing, since ever' since I turned on the game, the Cowboys seem to have been self-destructin'.

I was so steadily surfin' that I, as seems to occur so frequently, forgot to eat anythin'. I was prowlin' though the 'fridge assessin' my dinin' options and ever'thin' within the confines of that mostly empty box was a bit too spicy for me to eat this late. There was a variety of cheap pizzas, some leftover goulash from last night, and some left-over lasagna from whenever, the latter two too solidly frozen to be easily heated, as well. I suddenly 'membered the purchases I made yesterday. 'Mong such items as I unbagged and put away was a six-pack of Emperor Ramen's Magical Manna.* I delightfully dined on a pair of such packets without too much bother.

The navel has requested that I announce the firin' of our former advertisin' agent, Larry. Due to strict instructions from our attorneys, we are unable to discuss the matter further. The navel additionally moves that ya'll increase the level of your commentary. I second that motion. All who agree vote "aye." End of report.

[Addendum: Julius Jones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COWBOYS WIN!!!!!!!! I need to go to bed ^{an hour ago}. End of Addendum.]

*Such is not actually the product's brand name. That phrase is totally my creation.

Big Blue Boycott

Seems the left-leanin' barkin' moonbats ain't through findin' new ways to promote their socialist agenda: boycott of conservative businesses.

Spews over my spammy?

Jim owes me a fresh refill of Dr. Pepper and a roll of paper towels for the spewin' spree this set off.

Woohoo!!!! I jes' hit the big time!!!

Yep all my hard efforts have finally paid off. I jes' won 25 mystery credits on Blog Explosion.

Dec. 6, 2004

Well, here we go again with a nice set of links to point out those nuggets of wisdom and gems of humor that I have found here and there through my blog surfin' adventures. All links open in new windows, so feel free to click and read ... the list will be awaitin' your return. Now, for your readin' pleasure, the proprietors of Read My Lips are proud to present:

• This is one ya likely saw before somewhere. This is that story 'bout the Aussie police errantly sendin' child porn to 1,800 government-run schools across New South Wales. PoliBlog: I Should Hope
• Another recent story that I thought was noteworthy, failed to earlier point out is the disclosure that some laser printers actually embed identifyin' info into your documents. Wizbang: Laser Printers Leave Secret Fingerprints
• One of my new finds, SwissToni, like myself and Sen. Biden, points the finger toward the Saudis as the primary backers of terrorism: SwissToni's Place: And the violence caused such silence - found via BE
• I found myself chucklin' continuously durin' my read of followin' humorous diatribe on why one sweet lady is startin' to give up on the ones she loves: One Whipped Mother: People Who I Love But Are Beginning to Freak Me Out - found via BE
• One twenty-somethin' young lady shows she is mature beyond her years: Her Empire.CC: Duh - found via BE
• I discovered this cute poll, complete with pictures: You think your job sucks?! I actually found the link to such poll on its creator's blog, but I mis-navigated and lost the source. If it is yours, please feel free to take credit in the comments and I'll quickly add the applicable link.
• An international story of some interest is the scenario in which the Chinese currently find themselves caught. They are stuck between embracin' the concept of the biggest commercial period of the year or whether promotin' the western world's Christmas is really such a good idea. Economics With A Face: Don't Spread that Holiday Spirit - found via BE
• The title to this one is deceivin' as it is really a cautionary tale about why ya might start wantin' to really wash your hands well after handlin' money from now on. I ain't sure whether to tell ya to really read this one or not. Do ya feel like gamblin'?: Notorious B.L.O.G.: My Beloved Pet
• Eric has a proposal for a new bloggers coalition: The Fire Ant Gazette: "Coalition of Unpaid Bloggers (CUB)". Although Fire Ant is on my Texas Roll, Jen qualifies for a spork on this one - Jen Speaks: I'm A CUBbie!
• Do we really change all that much durin' puberty? Well, this guy's opinion of such shows us why young guys seem to get caught with their hand in the cookie jar way too often: I think I want to be a comedian: Change. His ideas are actually a bit funny, in an asinine sort of a way. Kinda like my crap, huh? ;) - found via BE
• Accordin' to this post, even sittin' out down time in the pokey, inventive Martha Stewart disovers ways to craftily produce objects on hand. Majic Family: A Christmas present idea from Martha - found via BE
• Gennie is on board promotin' a bipartisan adopt-a-soldier program: Dizzy Girl: My Soldier

and lastly

• In disclosin' a few supposedly off-camera remarks by the outgoin' Sec. of Ag., John humorously tells us why the Dept. might not have been in such good hands, anyway: WuzzaDem: Tommy Thompson - A Wealth of Information. I am proud and honored to bestow the illustrious spork award, with four-tine cluster, to Sgt Hook.

So, jes' 'zactly how did your date with the doorknob go?

Playing drums on a keyboard is like having sex with a doorknob. - Paul

Dec. 5, 2004

Well, it seems that he may be 'round to stay, but, then ag'in.....LIFE sometimes slaps ya 'cross the head with such unbelievable force that your cigar pops right outta your mouth and lands in the snow. Given such consequences, he might jes' ag'in hightail it and run. To quote the tuxedo bird with the fishy breath mints:

It[*] is what it is.

*LIFE, I assume.

And when the dust finally clears...

^{~Three pages of really borin' crap erased~} Ya know, one bit of Internet madness that I would never have envisioned in my wildest dreams 'bout the future, such beginnin' in the early 60's when I began my acquaintance with the Book of Roddenberry, was that one of the most popular things to keep up with is the stuff that gets sold on Ebay. I don't recall any vision of the existence o' Ebay in my visions of the future. In fact, in my visions of what I 'spected to see in here in the 21st Century, the skies were filled with flyin' cars. I don't really want no stinkin' ipod, ya'll, I want my flyin' car.

Anyway, gettin' back to the inane stuff people sell on Ebay. I am purty sure ever'one recalls the recent sale of a grilled-cheese sandwich. Ya prolly 'member the guy that sold all of his belongin's, what?, earlier this year. I myself was a bit appalled when I heard that one couple was actually proud of themselves for buyin' his garbage. I'm always seemin' to run 'cross stories 'bout those idiots runnin' 'round stealin' stuff and then tryin' to auction it off via Ebay. Now some woman is sellin' her father's ghost. I did read the story and actually am well aware of 'zactly what it is that she is sellin' and jes' why she is doin' so. I am purty sure her bidders likewise know what they are gettin'. Although that grilled-cheese sandwich sale was a bit on the bizarre side, ya'll long time readers likely 'member how I once took advantage of a plastic Jesus found floatin' down the Rio Grande. Now, havin' led ya through that minefield of prior evidence, I have a really 'portant question to ask of ya'll: how much do ya think I could get for the air in my navel?

I have had a miserable weekend filled with deja view: hour 'pon hour of previously seen TV. Ever' movie and show on ever' station was somethin' I had previously seen, none of which were really worth seein' ag'in. I caught my second ever episode of The West Wing jes' now and it was a rerun of the same episode I had previously seen. Even the football games seem to go 'bout the same way I 'spected them to go. My general best option in such case is to turn the channel to PBS, but the station is in the middle of their pledge week programmin'. Blah TV.

Then there was the fall-out surroundin' Blog 'Splosion where stuff ya are readin' seems to filter down and effect what ya do durin' the day. Oh, guess it was not all that bizarre if I can only recall a couple of such events. What? ya ask. First of all, I read a blurb 'bout some gal cookin' goulash, 'membered how much I liked it, went shoppin', bought the ingredients, came home and cooked goulash. Then, later I 'member tellin' someone in their comments that I hardly ever 'sperienced writer's block any more. Now I find myself sittin' here writing the most borin' three hours of diatribe to share with ya'll in this report. I'm sure ya'll 'member readin' my blurb above tellin' ya I had erased it, right? What? So, ya think this is purty borin', as well?? Uh? Writer's Block? ^{Ya'll did catch that appropriate whiny inflection on the end of that, didn't ya?} Pullin' snarky inane crap outta the those little cracks in my brain tonight is harder than ^{~appropriately long spell of deep reflection so as to come up with the perfect metaphor~} removin' postage stamps from an elephant's foot. ^~groan~ George, that is jes' bad! If I can't sell this navel, can any of ya'll think of a way I might be able to trade it in for a new model -- or, at least, maybe possibly jump it off usin' an approved navel of the appropriate sort. End of report.

OTBTJTB™

Stamp it out with a bit of your own flair

Here is another little facet of modern life ya'll might have missed:

PhotoStamps is an exciting new product that allows you to create your own customized postage. Whether you have a new baby in the family or a business to promote, PhotoStamps are a fun and easy way to add a personal touch to your mailings. - http://www.photo.stamps.com/

An elegantly gift-wrapped spork set aside for Christmas Eve delivery 'pon the Barefoot Principessa, provided Santa keeps his promise.

I mighta discovered one of those lost souls of the Blogosphere

I jes' saw this on one of the blogs I surfed across on Blog Explosion:

3,184 visitors since August 3rd, 2003

I kinda read through the entries, and though it ain't my daily cup of tea, it was much better than many other blogs out there with much higher visitation numbers. I dunno, but if anyone deserves a 'lanche from a big dog blogger, seems to me that Fountain of Angst would be a worthy candidate. Anyone game?

In the Never One to Follow Blindly along with the Pack Dept.

I have decided that I would like to be the first in my town to have one of these on my car. Now 'scuse me while I go to searchin' in my couch cushions to see if I can scrape up that much.

And so it was tol' that on this day unto Jason Owens a spork would cometh.

I'll think up a snappy title if it takes me all day*

missfitsandstarts discusses her views on what she has discovered durin' her recent blog-surfin' adventures:

I expected lots of different blogs about lots of different things, but really, all people talk about (or at least those signed up on BlogExplosion) is:

• Taking their kids to soccer practice in their minivan.
• How much they love being a stay at home mom.
• Wanting to have babies.
• Having babies.
• Not having babies.
• Their boyfriends (or ex-boyfriends).
• How great it is to be a right wing republican.
• How much democrats suck, and/or how much democrats don't make any sense, and/or how they can prove that all democrats are wrong.
• Their love of Jesus.
• How much they want to be like Dooce (well, they don't actually talk about it, but you know it's there).
• Being an aspiring writer.
• Blogging.

Looks 'bout right to me, 'cept she left off those democratic barkin' moonbats that can't find a thing good to say 'bout our sittin' Prez, his regime, or anythin' to do with his administration. Maybe she was wearin' blinders when those sites loaded into the Blog Explosion frame.

*Aw! Jes' live with that one, will ya?

How they baked a fat kid and other urban myths

Wow, the things you find out from readin' other people's blogs. Take #!/usr/fez/~ramblings for example. In a single post, he was able to deftly describe what it means to be fat, why so many people are fat, the newly discovered ways to lead a normal life, includin' the diets designed by Drs. Atkins and South Beach, and disclosed that it is entirely possible to get one's medical degree through a system of confusin' Nigerian emails. I highly recommend this new find via Blog Explosion.

Pickin' bits and pieces of stuff outta Aunt 'Net's mail dump

^{Within this post, all links are designed to open pictures in pop-up windows}

My regular readers know that I often get a lot of forwards from my favorite aunt, an AOL user. As many of us 'spect, there is an unwritten AOL rule that you have to forward ever'thin' you receive via email to ever'one in your email address book. So far, I ain't really seen anythin' novel enough in full form to share with ya'll, but have found parts of several that are worthwhile to see.

If I was one of the people who do caption contests, I might think this photo fully qualifies for such an event.

This little bit seemed to be the real meat of another:

Do you know what the word FAMILY means?

(F)ather (A)nd (M)other (I) (L)ove (Y)ou

My aunt sent this to me knowin' that both my parents are dead, that I am widowed, and that I have no children. I keep trying to tell ever'one that I don't have any real family. I lack any direct ancestors and any direct descendants.*

Then there was this alcoholic holistic approach to avoidin' the flu:

You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So......

I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can't get you!!!!

*I am mindful that durin' several youthful indiscretions durin' the time of my service in the U.S. Army in the early 70s, when oft such acts were consumated without so much as an actual exchange of names, conception could have possibly occurred. However, I flatly deny the claim that I am responsible for any part in the birth of the monstrosity pictured here.

I am not oft' at such a loss for words

Wow! Check out the creations of Mark Ryden. 'Bout all I can think to say is that his works of art are so very sad and hauntin' and yet evoked within me an unalarmin' sense of calmness.

A well-deserved sporkin' for Tvindy.

From the December page of The Full Monty wall calendar?

Can we all jes' admit that Ted is one sick puppy? [beware of disgustin' unrevealin' nudity]

A really really worthy endeavor with which I need ever'one's assistance

I did have to provide the poor cow a personal note. You can find the text of that message in the extended entry.

UTOH! I almos' forgot to spork Orange Haired Boy.

'Member, without balls, life ain't really worth a crap anyway. Maybe that involuntary martyrdom on behalf of us beef lovers ain't all that bad after all.

Cows speak Texanese, too.

The future forecast has been revealed

Yep, I know most of ya'll big fans of this report were aware of the significance of today, but I wholly 'spect that mos' of these 30 second viewers were without a clue that today, December 5, is Navel Gazing Day. Yep, today is the officially annual sanctioned day for ever'one to strip, sit back in their favorite chair, clear their mind and gaze idly at their navel. The future is forecast for the winter solstice dependent 'pon what one sees when one is gazin' toward one's navel in this position. If you can easily and fully view your navel, feel free to indulge yourself in delightin' in all those yummy holiday goodies. If you could see it, but were unable to view its bottom without movin' your head, ya better pass on ever'thin' 'cept the raw veggie tray, and if you were unable to see it at all . . . well, 'spose your doctor has already given ya the speech, huh?

My forecast was purty good. The mound of my Buddha belly was not so rounded that I could not see somewhat into my navel's dimple, so that means I need to stick with that veggie tray, the little sausages in grape jelly sauce, and less than I want of crackers and cheese.

Sadly, I stared at this blank page for an hour or more tryin' to come up with somethin'. Regrettably, the best I could come up with is the foregoin'. That's sad, that's really sad. It's so sad that there will be some charitable organization gettin' involved and playin' commercials full of sad-eyed malnourished children askin' for funds so as to assist me in bein' more creative. You will be told how essential it is that I continue to deliver only the best of my inane snarky wit to those poor little children. Your help would only cost you pennies a day. Think how much your heart will gladden when you realize how much your small donation has assisted some impoverished child, located in the midst of a very desolate area somewhere on the face of the planet, to wryly smile. ^{~one of those $500-a-minute 1-900 numbers pans across the bottom of the screen~} Make the call. ^{~flash on hundreds of sad little, big-eyed children overflowin' from the screen~} Your call means so much to these poor little children. Don't they at least deserve to smile? ^{~number scrolls across the bottom of the screen~} And, remember this: NAVEL GAZIN' IS A HORRIBLE WASTE OF YOUR TIME Laughter is still the best medicine.

Havin' been granted the right to bask in full glory on this Navel Gazin' Day, the navel is exhausted and was unable to attend this briefin'. The staff wishes to thank you for your kind and gracious indulgence in overlookin' this small matter of expected protocol. End of report.

Due to some of the pleasin'ness sporkin' I have done in a lifetime

Due to the excessive amount of sporkin' I have been doin' of late, it came to mind that some of ya'll might have really enjoyed the 'sperience and would love to have somethin' to show on your own site. As such, I am purely proud to present for your use:

Please do link it back to this blog.

In the Why the Hades didn't I Think of This? Dept.

OK, all of ya'll people who have been really worried 'bout all of your CDs and DVDs havin' unprotected sexual relations, it seems some genius has designed condoms for your wayward disks. They are 'sposedly 'vailable at your local Walmart.

Undisclosed Location can consider itself sporked.

It's as evident as the hair on a woodland hare

The rumors that Madfish had died were severely premature, but the rumors that he tells the most George-awful jokes are quickly provin' to be true.

In other, and completely unrelated, news, Frank J hints that he has somethin' big to announce. My own 'spicion is that he is gonna finally admit that has fallen deeply and madly in love with that life-size cut-out of Big Ethyl he recently bought on Ebay usin' profits from his illicit "Nuke the Moon" shirt sales and merely wants to invite us all to the impendin' nuptials.

[Addin' more crap to this post jes' 'cause it is Saturday and no one is readin'* anyway: Cracker Barrel Philosopher relates the interestin' back story behind that strange accident during rush-hour traffic Thursday morning on I-5 near Ridgefield, Washington.]

[Addin' another: Drumwaster is shocked by the utter ineptitude displayed the French Gendarmes. Wonder what cave he has been livin' in. ;)]

*What? Ya swear ya have been readin' my crap? Well ya sure ain't said nuthin' 'bout what ya thunk of it.

Anecdotal falsity proves that assault weapons do cause crime

Help! I was jes' mugged by an AK-47! It 'pears that these people were watchin' the wrong suspect.

I'm sporkin' Kathy this time 'round.

Does this response mean that I woulda been Sammy G?

You scored as Frodo. You would be happiest living with Frodo Baggins! He may be brooding and withdrawn, but his sudden outbursts of love and child-like dependence melt your heart. Frodo 81% Sam 69% Bilbo 69% Merry 69% Pippin 50% Gollum/Smeagol 38% Which Hobbit Would You Be Happiest Living With? created with QuizFarm.com

I 'spect that low score on the Smeagol scale has to do with my utter distaste of raw fish.

I am sporkin' Jennifer on this one.

There really are blogs for all kinds of people

Hey, ya'll fans of Golf Digest and similar ilk may want to visit and bookmark, blogroll, or otherwise make such available for viewin' at your whim: MJ on Golf.* It looks like MJ brings ya all sorts of stories 'bout golf, golf, and more golf. I found today's top linked story to be very interestin':

Golf course stolen piece by piece
_{Updated: 12/1/2004 4:54 PM
By: Carmen Grant, News 10 Now Web Staff}

Authorities say a Cayuga County man stole a golf course piece by piece.[**]

Sheriff deputies say Donald Ross stole golf balls, tee markers, ball washers and numerous other items from the Owasco Country Club. Authorities believe Ross took the equipment over a period of three years and set up a three hole golf course on his property - he shared with his twin brother.

So, how many of ya'll 'member the ol' joke 'bout the guy who, on the way outta the gold mine, walked past security ever'day pushin' an empty wheelbarrow? For weeks, the guards increasin'ly grew more and more suspicious that the guy was somehow sneakin' gold outta the plant right under their noses, but their continuous searches never disclosed a single smidgen*** of gold. Finally, assured he would not be charged for his admission, the man tells them he was stealin' wheelbarrows.

Site discovered via Blog Explosion. Another Blog Explosion find: The Soccer Weblog. And another find via another source: We eat so many shrimp - GanstaRap blog? Deservin' of a real good spork: Dawn.

*Which, to me, is so much better soundin' than say, MJ on Little Boys.

**Kinda mindful of that ol' Johnny Cash song, "One Piece at a Time."

***I was mindful that I might have never previously used such word, and, as such, figgered a great opportunity was presentin' itself so as to assure high placement 'mong the Google returns for smidgen lips.

Colorfully costumed, cleverly choreographed, & cosmically charactered

Well, I was away from computers and the wild woolly web for the better part of the afternoon and up to jes' 'bout this very point. If'n ya don't recall, or it is your first visit here, I was gifted tickets to a performance of the Cirque Du Soleil from another blogger for this afternoon. Well, I and my companion, and it was so regrettable that we were unable find a third party to use the remainin' ticket of the trio I was given, immensely enjoyed the show. Although I have caught bits and pieces of the various different shows over the years on television, this was my first live vision of this magnificent creation. My companion was even more ecstatic than I, as she was an avid fan of the troupe, eagerly awaiting their ever' appearance on Bravo. Together, and together with the rest of the nearly full house audience, we sat enraptured as various costumed characters crawled onto the stage crept, crawled, and otherwise filled the stage. A virtual myriad of activity filled the stage as comics, acrobats, and dancers provided a broad extravaganza of entertainment. It was only sublimely choreographed and set to an eclectic soundtrack. These seats we had we four rows back, and, durin' parts of the show, the aerialists were flyin' above our very heads. I clapped and clapped and clapped some more. Ever'one did. The show was practically flawless, though not absolutely so. I witnessed a couple of miscues durin' the acrobatic performances, but on the level of the performances proffered, the minor flaws were so easily overlooked. It was a thoroughly imaginative feast of fancy, to me, much akin to a modernization of Will Shakespeare's A Midsummer's Night Dream. I was awed and delighted with what I saw. I had a marvelous time, a most thoroughly marvelous time and will now have a cherished memory thanks to the generosity of havin' met someone through a chance Internet encounter. Thanks, Sheryl. I never find a way to repay your generous gift. My dreams will be filled with vivid Technicolor for a long time to come.

After the show let out, it was still early, and as I currently live about 90 minutes from Dallas, thought I would take my friend to another place she might enjoy visitin': Fry's. She was thrilled to do so and we toured the store for an hour or so to walk out with a 50-pack of CD-R disks. Afterward, we dined at a nearby Taco Bueno® before makin' the long drive to the home burg.

I arrived home, and, of course, like any good blogger, hurriedly threw each of my dogs a dog biscuit, slammed the door, and moved straight to my computer to connect to the wild woolly web and see who had commented on my blog. Surprisin'ly, I found not a one. I 'spect I likely wouldn't have gotten any visitors 'cept for continually gettin' every Google searcher lookin' for lips of any kind. I swear I saw someone searchin' for ship lips the other day. I thought it kinda bizarre, but then it might have jes' been someone who could not quite recall the exact sayin': Loose Lips Sink Ships. They might have only 'membered that it was somethin' to do with lips and a ship, hence such terms bein' used in the Google searcher. I often use a search engine to assist me in locatin' quotes dragged from deep within my fragmented memory. Jes' the other day, I did a search on Tibet lama so as to ensure the correct spellin' of Dalai Lama. Needless to say, why ever that person was searchin' for ship lips, they were brought to my site. The same seems to hold true for skunk lips, whale lips, or jes plain ol' lips. Yep, lip seekin' Google searchers, that is my audience. And they don't comment much. They also prolly don't actually find what they were seekin' either, but they keep comin' and comin', day after day. If I knew what kind of products lips seekin' Google searchers were interested in, I might could make a pretty penny, or even a dull one, hawkin' wares on my site. I jes' ain't a good businessman. I did think I was a good writer, though, but I am startin' to have doubts 'bout that.

These concerns really trouble my navel. End of report.

I find too many unanswered questions in the news

If'n there were never any real ties 'tween Saddam and al-Qaida, why would this have been even planned?

BERLIN (AP) - German authorities arrested three Iraqis with alleged al-Qaida links on suspicion they were planning an attack on Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi while he visited Germany on Friday, the country's chief prosecutor said. [full story]

Extra! Extra! Another athlete accused of steroid use

Look, this jes' has to be said. Ya'll need to quit gettin' up in arms 'bout all this supposed steroid use 'mong athletes. Don't ya all know they will be replaced by robots, possibly as soon as the end of the decade? I mean, seriously, look at the recent trend: factories swap human workers for robotics, movie makers replace actors with CGI created characters, retail outlets replace clerks with self-checkout lanes, and ya think as soon as they do find an android that can consistently hit over .400 and bang out 100 HRs a season, Steinbrenner won't find a way to get one of 'em on the Yankees roster? Steroids, schmeroids, at least they are flesh and blood. In the case of Bonds, even if the steroids make him stronger and able to hit the ball harder and farther, I don't think they really assist him in the actual effort of gettin' the bat head to collide with the ball. Hand-to-eye coordination is a gift of nature and experience. They ain't figgered out how to put that into handy injectable form.

[UPDATE: OK, so here is this story from today's Ft. Worth Star-Telegram. Jes' this one little paragraph shows a goodly percentage of Americans are already on board for usin' any variety of chemicals in order to improve their health, mental condition and what-not:

More than 40 percent of the population is taking at least one prescription drug, and one person in every six takes three or more, the government reported Thursday.

Seems to me that even our public school officials feel it is necessary to medicate ever' unruly child, these days.

I say, jes' raise the bar to a new level. If ya wanna be a sports hero, ya gotta take performance enhancin' drugs. If ya don't wanna take performance enhancin' drugs, then stay outta the pros. Heck, seems to me that all the money and fame in the world is not worth the shortenin' of one's lifespan from the internal damage to your liver and kidneys that rampant steroid use causes. But there are always those that think it won't happen to them. By the way, whatever happened to Mark McGwire? Is he dead yet?]

Extra special, newly-designed robotic spork polisher awarded to Steven for the pointer.

This looks so familiar. Are ya sure we haven't come down this road before?

Your Friday, December 3, 2004 Horoscope Taurus!

More interactions with children are featured today. There could be an incident where you are stuck taking responsibility for someone else's child or children. Be sure to establish better boundaries with people who shirk their social obligations.

Actually, I love kids. I find their general innocence and naivety, along with that bit of natural curiosity they all seem to possess, to be so utterly fascinatin'. I jes' don't really see a downside in this daily forecast.

Dec. 3, 2004

A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale. He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings “Jingle Bells,” and if you put a match under its left foot, it sings “Deck the Halls.”

The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away. Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing “Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...”

How in the world do ya top yourself?

Man, oh, man, oh man! I mighta shot my wad with that last post. I opened a little door into a memory of an ol' Twilight Zone or Outer Limits episode, I think. Kinda like Nick at Night after a visit with Barry Bonds' trainer.* Oh George! Yeah, ya'll, it's still the same George from the previous post. Who is he? Well, he's not the George who was jes' reelected President, nor his daddy, nor the wheelchair bound ex-governor of Alabama, nor the electric low-fat grill promotin' ex-heavy-weight boxer and his seven children all sharin' the name George, but jes' George. No one specific, jes' plain ol' ordinary, no one knows who he is, George.

OK, OK, if ya really gotta envision somebody to make it work for ya, its Curious George, little red hat and all. What? Ya gotta problem with that? OK, the heck with George -- let's jes' go with Barney, by Barney! Already got that vision of that big purple dinosaur stuck in your mind? Ready to give up? I thought, so, by George, I figgered ya couldn't take it for long. Hey, I know 14 out of the last 6 visitors that hit this site have already left by now, but you're still here, aren't ya? Ya really do love me, don't ya? My navel really needs a hug and I am totally helpless to assist the poor little fella. Won't ya give, for a poor helpless love starved navel? It's jes moments a day, jes' wee little packets of time to show your love and affection for my navel's domain. Where's that? You're lookin' at it. Here's lookin' at you, kid! I ain't lookin' that one up. It's on the list. Read My Lips. Often, cause they are always flappin'. End of report.

*I jes' throw stuff like that in here and there to let ya'll know that I ain't ignorant of the big news stories of the day. I read Instapundit, too.

Jalapeños, Cheerios, and the Three A's, or Alien Roadkill™, Blog Name for Sale

Jalapeño Burns, discovered via Blog Explosion, has jes' become my favorite blog, and its creator, Jesse Gersten, is the funniest blogger out there, sans none, be it Scrappleface, Frank J, or even myself, which to me, is really sayin' somethin'. Jesse confesses to bein' a comedian. Jes' below the blog title is the followin':

Hello. You’ve mistakenly entered the blog of Comedian Jesse Gersten. Unless you enjoy reading bizarre tales filled with freak accidents, albino squirrels, and chocolate sushi, then I admonish you to turn off your computer without delay and do something that makes you happy, like reading a book about birds. If you foolishly decide to stay, then I only hope that you try to enjoy yourself. If not, I hope you get Hoof-and-Mouth Disease, or some other equally delightful ailment.

By my estimation, he is the real deal. I don't get a lot of stations and rarely see much of the current comics, 'cept I did really get kinda hooked on Last Comic Standin' 'til they nixed that chubby guy with the real long hair. I liked him. I kinda thought the judges were wrong on that one, though really think the show started collidin' with some other show or maybe bloggin'. Who knows? I ain't even sure who was the last comic standin'? It don't really matter, does it? Heck, all them finalists was funny as that peculiarly hot and sulfur-odored place in the netherworld ^{~really tryin' to clean up the language here, boss -- gotta get them Google ads~}, but then I digress. ^{I refilled my prescription today. I wish. ;)} SHUT UP, YOU GUYS! I AM TRYIN' TO BLOG HERE! Dang voices in my head -- they're aliens, I think, kinda like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, only there are at least two of them up there and they jes' say all these really weird things, like all the time, ya know? STOP THAT! Man, I jes' got one really nasty picture shoved into my consciousness: alien roadkill. Yikes - let me trademark that 'fore someone tries to use it for a blog name: Alien Roadkill™. No really. If ya want it, you can have it. All I want is your first born child. WOAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Strike That! Make that, all I want is your first born child that has yet been conceived. That first scenario suddenly allowed me to envision some momma of the next, who? [I really don't want to offend anyone] ^{~Let's jes' pick a name~} whatta ya say, John Wayne Mauler, serial killer extraordinaire, to be, currently aged 8, massacres cats and dogs daily and just stares at ya when ya talk to him? You know the kind. He is prolly standin' right behind ya right now wonderin' why ya don't know that he really really wants a bowl of Cheerios. He's holdin' a knife. His eyes look cold and glazed. WHAT'RE YA DOIN' SITTIN' HERE? Go get that boy a bowl of Cheerios! I'll wait! ^{~involved in personal conversation with aliens infestin' head while you are tendin' to that blossomin' maraudin' murderer of the future~} So, any cuts and bruises? Should I alert 9-1-1? No? OK, so I was sayin' that, as far as I know, Jesse Gersten could be a real, honest to George,* professional stand-up comedian, like me. What? Ya doubt me? Well, I could send little John Wayne Mauler over to your house and have him teach you a lesson. Oh wait! He's there already, eatin' Cheerios. ^{~take your pill~} SHUT UP! They can hear ya, ya know? 'Sides, I'm out of 'em, 'member? Uh, ya'll jes' forget that las' part, OK? It was kinda private. Like really really private, really really really private.** So go, go check out Jesse's site. Seriously! It's funny. [I wrote that last part that way on purpose. Uh, that is kinda stupid thing to say, I think, 'cause I purposely write, compose, and format ever'thin' seen on this blog! That's what I do here! This is my stage. Now back to your regularly scheduled program:] Jalapeño Burns

*George, for ya'll newcomers is the same George we all call to at times, By George! One of them Commandments kinda says ya don't use the word mos' people seem to use so frequently without real purpose, kinda in vain, if ya get my drift. Good George! It's really purty simple if ya jes' think 'bout it. It seems like such a small thing to do and, if'n Moses was tellin' the truth, that was kinda one of those things that He was very specific that we not do: use His Name in vain. I will purposely speak of God only when it suits a worthwhile purpose.

**It's part of the show, folks! Made Up! Untrue. I do not hear voices in my head, nor am I on medication. I ain't gonna swear that I shouldn't be, but I tend to avoid medication much stronger than over the counter analgesics, antihistamines, and antacids: the three A's. They fix what ails me, I guess, and 'bout all I need. Oh, I'll take a little nip here and there. Usually to soothe an irritated throat. I jes' know some of ya'll like to spread vicious gossip - but then, ya'll that do that prolly don't read the footnotes anyway and are already out there tellin' ever'one that Tiger is on medication. Yada yada! I'll send John Wayne Mauler over to your house to eat Cheerios. Don't be messin' with me! ^{~shut up, I said~}

Read My Lip's inaugural "posted without comment" blurb

not safe for work or squeamish people

Not sure Tiffany is entitled to a spork for bringin' this horror to light.

I imagined that her talent actually lay in other parts of her body ;)

Can you spell o-x-y-m-o-r-o-n? Ya know, like French resistance, benevolent dictator, and informed Democratic voter. Screen capture from Rear Window Ethics: Bush at Yalta?

There ain't nuthin' funny goin' on here, I swear

Ya ever been mired in one of those financial binds where ya think back on all the money ya wasted, lost, stupidly gave away, or got cheated out of?* I been thinkin' on that and thought if I had a nickel for ever' dollar disposed of any such mentioned way, I would prolly 'least have enough to order a pizza from Dominos®,** a large one, with extra cheese.

[Addendum: It jes' dawned on me, a light bulb burned brightly 'bove my head, or some such cliche' designed to denote that another thought popped into one's head, that if I had a quarter for ever'time I been rejected by a gal, slapped by a gal, or given a go to some really really hot netherworld place look, I could prolly purchase that Mr. Jim's® franchise.]

*Yeah, yeah, I know that participle was left danglin', but here on Read My Lips, in such situations, we*** always provide proper participle safety lines. I am proud to say we have, thus far, maintained a 100% perfect participle safety record. ^{~knock on wood head~}

**We`actually don't have a Dominos® in this tiny burg, but the same thought does apply to Mr. Jim's®. We do have one of those.

***No, that is not a royal "we." I actually do have mouse in my pocket. He is helpin' to keep my nuts pecans warm.****

****And if you bought any of the claims made in the foregoin' footnote, that bein' number ***, I have a nice suspension bridge in San Francisco for sale, very reasonably priced.

It jes' don't seem so hot to me right now

Is it jes' me or is hotmail fragged ag'in? I gotta Windows autoupdate this mornin' and ever since it downloaded and the 'puter rebooted, my hotmail has been haywire.

I'm wonderin' if this has anythin' to do with the problem. Prolly not, but I jes' had to ask.

The 2004 Worthless Weblog Awards

Well, the contestants are up and ready to receive your votes in the 2004 Weblog Awards. Surprisin'ly, although I was assured of not winnin' anyway, I was not even nominated as Best Humor Blog, nor was I nominated for Best Top 250-500 Blogs, nor, despite my best efforts, did I even get a mention in the Best Latino, Caribbean, or South American Blog category.

Well, thankfully Munuviana is in the runnin' for Best Online Community, so there is my vote. I gotta vote for it 'cause it really is the best! Pixy Misa is a prince among men.

OTBTJTB™

Hangin' ten five* on a wild surfin' safari through the blogosphere

1. One of the funniest things goin' round the internet, both on blogs and via email, unattributed,** of course, seems to be a Nov. 16 column by Joe Blundo in the Columbus Dispatch. In part, reportin' on the massive flight of liberals across the Canadian border, he wrote:

   In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

   That test seems pretty harsh, though, 'cause I am an actual grey-headed guy and ain't sure I could pick Lawrence Welk, himself, outta of a lineup. [UPDATE: I musta really liked this column 'cause this is the second time I posted on it.]


2. For whichever one of your relatives that cusses other drivers a lot when they are drivin' to and fro, here is that perfect Christmas gift. If'n ya ain't wantin' ta click that link and wait for a bunch of graphics to load up to show ya the whole product line, here is a quick popup that will give ya a 'zample. 'Course, if ya want the deluxe model, I can design cards to say whatever ya want, and for the right price, I'll put 'em on Kevlar® backin' for use in reflectin' the returnin' gunfire. Spork award: ^{Sweetpea's baby sister?} Testypea


3. Susie has prepared her letter to Santa. One of the items she requested was world peace, but don't ya think she showed a bit of a selfish streak when she added this item?

   I need a new "Mystery Date" because the one you brought me in 1969 has finally worn out. (Poindexter was the only date left anyway!).

   I mean, how is Poindexter gonna get a date now? He was havin' a hard enough time when he was the only choice other than turnin' lesbian.***


4. Methinks Ted and John are beggin' for Scooby snacks. 'Course, when it comes to the cartoon babes, who could ever resist Big Ethyl? I mean other than Jughead Jones.


5. From my wave runnin' here and there along the heavy surf of the Blog Explosion coastline, it 'pears to me that the hottest meme goin' is Genuine's

   I just gave each of you $10 Million dollars to do anything with it you would like. You can blow it all or set long term goals for your future. You are a Genuine Millionaire. Now tell me what you would do. You can put it here in comments or post it on your own site. I really am curious about how you are going to spend your money. Give us all a peek. Invite us into your Walter Mitty world.

   I'd like to give it a go, but not right now. I am too busy tryin' to stay on this board.

*Oops, had to cut this adventure short cause some very sweet person gifted me with 4:00p.m. tickets to the Cirque du Soleil. [footnote addendum: I had to go to the office to access and print the files transferred to me via gmail, which, due to a firewall or whatever, I cannot access from the office. Upon printin' out the tickets, I found that they were actually for tomorrow afternoon -- which is a very good thing.]

**See the comments.

***The statistics regardin' the number of young ladies who opted for a change in sexual orientation so as not to be forced to date Poindexter are skewed and, unRa^therlike, I won't publish material which cannot be fully autheniticated, Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

"I'll take that bet, 'cause I'm the best that's ever been" *

DavidMC issued a challenge over at Better Livin' Through Bloggin' and I had to give it the ol' college try:

In a year filled with an electoral ruckus, a peloton of partisan liberal insurgents via this blog and that incessantly railed against the incumbent thereby constantly eroding the sovereignty of the nation, and yet, nature cared not as Hurricane Ivan roared ashore more than once, every cicada buzzed according to plan, and, in the most natural occurrence of all, my mind envisioned the joyous defenestation of Michael Moore from the top floor of a very tall building.

*A spork is a spork, o' course ... and one goes to the first person who correctly identifies the source of the quote used in the title.

It sounds like a good plan to me

I don’t care if Macy’s has “Merry Christmas,” “Happy Hanukah,” “Special Kwanzaa,” or “Rockin’ Ramadan” banner. I won’t shop at Macy’s unless they have an “Everything’s 85% Off” banner. - Joe Kelley

The big Blog Explosion extravaganza

Well, I laid in my cold cold house* under the double layer of goose down, basically bloggin' from the comfort of my huge bed. Ya can do that when ya got a long extension cord, a 100-foot phone cord, and laptop computer.** Anyway, I been surfin' via the Blog Explosion network. To tell ya the truth, there is a hell of a lot of blogs out there. I have run across a lot of new ones, and, although most seem to have not even loaded by the time the counter reaches 0, I do try to give them all a good look-over, readin' down at least two or three entries, knowin' from my own 'speriences that even my own best stuff ain't necessarily on the top of the heap. I have a lot to say about my observations from viewin' this myriad of other blogs, but I think I will jes' echo Serenity's sentiments. I have, however, also found a few gems in that junk pile, a couple which I linked in earlier posts.

I may have dropped a revealin' hint 'bout what has been draggin' me down of late and forgive me for havin' done so. I did feel that it was essential that some of ya'll understand what it was that I have been dancin' 'round these last few days. Jes' realize, however, that I am simply makin' this 'barrassin' personal disclosure so as to provide ya with the reasonin' behind my recent mood and am not askin' that any of ya lift a solitary finger to assist me in any way.

My navel is quite distressed that I revealed our secret. Alas, however, once the cat is out of the bag, ya can't get it back in there without gettin' a severe case of cat scratch fever, or if not the fever, ya still get the cat scratches. End of report.

*Given the current state of my financial affairs, I have implemented a most drastic fiscal austerity program.

**Such laptop bein' back up to the same ol' crappy tricks*** it was doin' 'fore I took it to Fry's and left it in their care for a couple of months to supposedly be repaired,****

***Randomly backin' out of pages or doin' other operations without bein' commanded to do so.

****Accordin' to the documentation which was provided when I picked it up, they changed out the motherboard. So that solely leads me to the conclusion that such was not the problem and they unnecessarily replaced a major component, or, what I more likely suspect, given the phone call I received at one time askin' me to again describe the problem, is that they were never able to duplicate the problem,***** could find nothin' necessary to be repaired, and jes' said they replaced the motherboard to delude me into satisfaction that they had corrected my problem.

*****I am thinkin' 'bout settin' in my home office with my web-cam hooked up to record my actions so as to create some evidence regardin' my problem.

What the flickity-flack is wrong with this picture?

Portland
Suit: Soldier forced to stay in military
December 1, 2004

A Pendleton Army National Guard soldier is suing the U.S. Army, claiming that he was required to remain in the military beyond his term of enlistment under a "stop-loss" order.

Emiliano Santiago, an Oregon National Guard member since 1996, was due to leave the service in June after completing an eight-year term.

Under the stop-loss program, Santiago is scheduled to be activated with his unit Jan. 2 to train in Oklahoma for deployment in Afghanistan. The stop-loss order has extended Santiago's service to Dec. 24, 2031, said his attorney, Steven Goldberg.

Goldberg is representing Santiago in association with the Military Law Task Force of the National Lawyers Guild, which has filed suits in California, New York and North Carolina challenging stop-loss orders.

-- Dan de Carbonel [source]

I dunno, but I was thinkin' there was a bit of logic behind the stop-loss situation, but I jes' cannot fathom any logic behind extendin' a man's service obligation for an additional 27 years. Can someone 'splain what is goin' on here?

Highly precious, formerly housed at Taco Bell franchise, spork awarded to Rob Salzman

I turned over a rock and look what I found

Ya know, it doesn't take a fancy template and great page design to make a good blog. It is more important that you have a keen eye for seein' the interestin' details of life and can tell your stories well. Example: Scheiss Weekly - recently added to the blogroll.

Bite me Jimbo!* ;)

Don't ya jes' love it when someone steals your gag, twists it and ends up havin' done a better job than you could muster?

*I hope ya get to feelin' better soon!

It's the biggest sucker bet of them all

It’s not unusual to hear people refer to trading stocks as no different than going to Vegas. They are right. Gambling is gambling. - Mark Cuban

Mark says he is gonna start seein' if he can do better in the traditional gamblin' market: casinos and such. I thought to comment on the inherent problems of a team owner bein' involved in sports bettin', but of the first 20 or so of the total of 109 comments which I took the times to scan through, the topic was brought up a couple of times.

You can keep your darned ol' Eye of Sauron...

Hey I want one of these. Ya think anyone would take one of my nuts* in exchange for one?

*Pecans, of course, ya nasty minded Orc. I got bunches of them layin' all over my driveway.

If it feels good...

Those slippers make me feel good all under! Wait..that might be my underwear. Scratch that. (Oops, that may be a poor choice of words) - Buzz

The face that launched a thousand searches

Currently, there seems to be a big mystery concernin' the identity of this person. I know that I, along with the multitude of Google searchers hittin' my site daily for information, would be pleased if we could only put a name with the face.

OTBTJTB™

The time may have arrived for me to shave my head

Well, I ain't ever figgered out how they come up with these results, but:

I retrieved a glorious brand new spork for this award to Jay, who seems to be a fellow Buddhist but by his marks, is a bit lower on the reincarnation scale than myself. ;) Accordin' the marks I got, one would have to believe I might be the next Dalai Lama.

Dec. 1, 2004

• I discovered a delightful humorous list of what I would call truisms here: Just A Girl: Email Files
• Jim Lindgren of The Volokh Conspiracy has a bit of info on a new study on lie detection. In actuality, if they can ever devise an accurate way to determine if people are actually tellin' the truth or not, it will likely take wind out of the sails in the swearin' matches we currently call trials.
• Pro Hac Vice: Car Balloons displays one of the most amusin' practical jokes I have ever seen in a long time. I am already wantin' to try out such stunt myself. Somebody is in line for a spork award. I jes' forget who. Sorry.

and

• Lastly, I don't wanna be the last blogger in the world to announce that the word BLOG is the top word of the year accordin' to Merriam-Webster. Although I saw several 'nouncements all over the blogosphere, I actually saw it first at Glenn's place, but as I understand he has more sporks than he and his whole extended family and ever' student he teaches could use, I will keep his award for further use.

And, as a special mention to the little girl from Uruguay who emailed me wantin' to know what in the heck a spork was, and for the rest of ya jes' too afraid to ask that same question, I gracious offer this link in hopes of allowin' someone more expert than myself to answer any questions you might have 'bout sporks.

It looks like a very promisin' day

Your Wednesday, December 1, 2004 Horoscope Taurus!

A new method of learning will accelerate your development. You have finally found a voice you can listen to and understand. Avoid spending money today if at all possible. A potential soulmate is impressed with your polite demeanor.

Hmmm, first of all, looks like this new dog is gonna get to learn a new trick. I likely will get my head slapped hard enough to knock all that excess wax out of my ears so I can hear better. I also need to avoid my landlady who will be chasin' after me to pay the rent today. And, supposedly, today, I will run into her, whoever she might be, and my gentlemanly ways will work wonders with sweepin' her right off her feet. Yep, looks like a very excitin' time. O' course, this not bein' my first rodeo, I 'spect my day will actually be as mundane as usual. We can all hope not, right? ;)