Read My Lips - the blog

The fat lady lingers still

There's nuthin' of interest here, folks. Just keep that line movin'. End of Report.

Jan. 30, 2004

© 2002 The New Yorker Collection from cartoonbank.com All Rights Reserved

Sometimes ya just can't win for losin'

crud, crud and more crud! Sometimes I wonder why I even try. Am I the only one that understands what I am sayin' most of the time? Is my ability to communicate usin' the English language so atrocious that I have no business writin' anythin' for public consumption? crud if I know and crud if I care. Maybe this is my last blog post forever, after all I could die in my sleep. If I never wrote another thing, ya might have to wonder about that, wouldn't ya? Or ya could just go through life not givin' another thought about me. In the grand scheme of things, I am nuthin' and will never be nuthin', but then I don't know of anyone whose significance is such that they will affect anythin' enough to even ripple the evolution of mankind.

Yeah, I am gonna contemplate my bloggin' efforts. If the most I can accomplish is pissin' off the people I am tryin' to compliment, then maybe I could make better use of my time. It ain't like I don't have other things to do. I mean, sure, I ain't got nobody, but I got three books that I could finish and attempt to get published. Whatever I do, you can bet my navel will stick with me on it. End of report.

It just brought tears to my eyes

Ya know, if there is one person in the blogosphere of which I am most jealous, it is Michele. Our bloggin' consistency is about equal, I opine that our blurbs are equally as interestin' since we both admittedly write crud, but she gets tons more readers and comments than I do. I have tried and tried to understand just what I wasn't doin' that she was doin'. Well, I now know why I had such a hard time with that problem. I ain't been bloggin' yet a year and Michele just ended her third year of bloggin'. Now I don't feel so bad, because all this time I was an infant tryin' to be a three-year-old. If I haven't learned nuthin' in my almost half-century of life, ya have to learn to crawl 'fore you can walk.

My sincerest congratulations, Michele. Your blog is what I want mine to be - the best crud in the blogosphere.

I am puttin' all ya'll gals on official notice

Your Thursday horoscope, Taurus! You will be looking your best today, so pursue the type of success that until recently you could only imagine. This is a day to make your sensuality known and appreciated, regardless of your intent.

OK, ladies, ya'll do know about my sensuality, right? Well, I am still unsure of my intent, but ya'll really ought to be appreciatin' my sensuality.

People who think up crud like this are strange!

I am not sure anyone really wants to see this picture. Is it safe for work, yeah, maybe ...

The tale of the totally blank mind

Yep, I am tired ... likely the effects of last night's lack of sleep as a result from havin' gotten up at 2:00 am and takin' that antihistamine. Oh well -- so needin' sleep and havin' an early court date tomorrow in the next town over, I am guessin' it might indeed be wise to call all this inanity to a halt and take my sweet lovable navel to bed. Now get those thoughts of kinkiness out of your mind ... there ain't no navel involvement in any hanky-panky I could come up with that did not involve another person. I am not sure such situation is not regrettable, however, as I have never fully contemplated such dilemma previously. I ask for your advice and further enlightenment on the subject. How would you like to see navels involved in personal hanky panky exercises? Anyone got any thoughts on the activity?

Sure, go ahead, show everyone that you are as peculiar as I. Ya know ya wanna tell us all about your secret navel fantasies, don't ya?

End of Report.

Do ya think it was a long race to stake the claim to that one?

Did ya ever wonder who was first in claimin' www.cummingfirst.com? It likely ain't anyone that immediately popped into your mind.

attribution: TLHines via Ted.

Don't be crashin' my buzz, man!

Disclaimer for my students: Professor Levy's level of caffeine intake is not medically recommended and should not be emulated. His tolerance is at an appallingly high level, and therefore his intake does not interfere with his getting eight-plus hours of sleep per night. You all have an alarming tendency not to get eight hours of sleep per night, and this is not good. Coffee is a wonderful, wonderful thing but is not a substitute for sleep... - Jacob Levy

And yet, when it comes to students and not getting enough sleep, I am pretty sure there is somethin' much more physical involved on most occasions than the mere physical effects of caffeine.

Fraggin' the template

Don't you really hate it when you make one minor change to somethin' in your template and then everything else seems to go haywire? I guess it took me 30 minutes to locate that damn closin' DIV tag that didn't need to be there. I really found it easier to do stuff with webpages in the pre-css era.

I am about ready for the remake on my blog, but still tryin' to decide if I want to stick with 3 column or go back to 2 column. It seems that there seem to be fewer cross-browser/low resolution settin' problems than are experienced with 3 columns, but I seem to have so much material that I like to be visible from the start that 2 column is not gonna work well in my plans.

Currently I am plannin' on goin' with this: as my underneath background, whereas I am plannin' on usin' somethin' similar to this: to be the background under all the text areas and such. The title will be very similar to what is currently showing, but may be lengthened horizontally. Just my current thoughts on the idea.

Wednesday, 01-28-2004

Nuggets and Gems™ is a listing of links to those posts I found during the day that I thought were excellent, either passin' along some important information, displayin' great insight into some topic, bein' of special interest, or just a bit noteworthy. I urge you to read each and every one of these posts. And, if you published a truly remarkable post lately, please feel free to track it back to this post.

• Citizen Smash: The Indepundit
• this is the samaBlog: Not Plastic Knives And Box Cutters
• Buzzstuff: 3D on 2D
• Outside the Beltway: Feaver on WMD
• Technically Speaking: Genetically Modified plants that detect landmines
• bastardsword: Disgust
• A Small Victory: of vaginas and valentines
• Electric Venom: No Reparations
• Boots and Sabers: What a world

More upheaval in the Middle East?

Is there some kind of sandstorm of rebellion a'brewin' in Saudi Arabia? Glenn Reynolds points to this story and says Maybe.

Finally, what ya'll have been waitin' for

Yes, the child has been found . . . alive and as good as can be expected under the circumstances. Momma did not fare so well. No word regardin' the father.

attribution: Dean or was it Rosemary? I actually, know which one is was, just was wantin' to wish a welcome back to Rosemary.

One guy with a peculiar fetish just looked up and smiled

"What a stinking mess! This blood and other stuff that blew out on the road is disgusting, and the smell is really awful," said one resident.

What?

"[T]he whale's belly just exploded and spilled blood and the innards on the street."

George, that is simply unbelievable?

Check it out

attribution: Ravenwood

I guess I'm votin' in the New Blog Showcase

I have not been doin' my part in votin' in the New Blog Showcase as it has turned into some kind of alliance competition thing, but how could I not link to somethin' called Trial Lawyer's Prayer?

Thanks to Susie, of course, for pointin' it out.

What kind of an idiot

What kind of an idiot do you have to be to just rampantly destroy other people's vehicles because you believe ownership of such environmentally unfriendly vehicles displays decadence? One of the gang involved in destroyin' 50 SUVs said she particularly resented "arrogant ladies" who drive expensive SUVs instead of buying more economical cars and donating the surplus money to charity. [story] George! The next thing ya know, people will start throwin' blood on people who wear furs just to protest the killlin' of animals or somethin'.

attribution: Cracker Barrel Philosopher

Have you ever looked a gnome right in the eyes?

Michele has found a story about a new infiltration effort by Al Qaeda agents. I am been neglectful in keepin' up with what is goin' on in the world lately, as I have not checked what the Weekly World News had to say since, what, September naught-three?

Will it only improve after we get flyin' cars?

The traffic in South Florida is now so bad the only people who get to work on time are the ones riding in traffic helicopters. - Steve

He also had some interestin' diatribe about the intelligence of parrots.

About Cowboys, Indians and cultural differences

LeeAnn has posted the most politically incorrect joke. I am still laughin'. Oh, and did I fail to mention that LeeAnn wants to invent a pill to assist people in growin' back hair. I ain't really wantin' hair on my back, so I will pass on takin' that pill.

Wow, I got my first virus attack

I just got an email purported to be from from calverle@usc.edu with subject line error. The message said somethin' 'bout it bein' some Unicode stuff so havin' to be sent as an attachment, which was a zipped file containin' a text document. Now normally I would have deleted this item without any hesitation because it came from someone I did not know, seemed suspicious and contained nothin' but the attachment, but I am actually expectin' some materials for this moot court competition I am judgin' this weekend involvin' college kids from various universities. I scanned the zip file with Norton and it returned clean, so I unzipped it. I opened the text file and all I saw was a bunch of gobblety-gook and all of a sudden my my system was attemptin' to send out emails by the boatload and my Norton was scannin' and stoppin' them. I think nothin' left this system, but if so, do not open anythin' from my taruss[at]digitex[dot]net or ***[at]tiglaw[dot]com addresses, as I have not sent anythin' to any of ya'll from either of those addresses. I usually use my hotmail address when I communicate about bloggin' issues.

Startin' Wednesday off with a prayer lesson?

I got this in my inbox today from my dear Aunt Jeanette, who my regular readers know sends me goodies from time to time. As is usual, however, I had to dig through 5 levels of message forwardin' to get to the actually thing bein' forwarded. And, as usual, there was no attribution disclosin' the author of this fine message. However, it is a gem, in my opinion:

5 Fingers of Prayer This is beautiful - and it is surely worth making the 5 finger prayer a part of our lives.

1. Your thumb is nearest to you. So begin your prayers by praying for those closest to you. They are the easiest to remember. To pray for our loved ones is, as C. S. Lewis once said, a "sweet duty."

2. The next finger is the pointing finger. Pray for those who teach, instruct and heal. This includes teachers, doctors, and ministers. They need support and wisdom in pointing others in the right direction. Keep them in your prayers.

3. The next finger is the tallest finger. It reminds us of our leaders.Pray for the president, leaders in business and industry, and administrators. These people shape our nation and guide public opinion.They need God's guidance.

4. The fourth finger is our ring finger. Surprising to many is the fact that this is our weakest finger; as any piano teacher will testify. It should remind us to pray for those who are weak, in trouble or in pain.They need your prayers day and night. You cannot pray too much for them.

5. And lastly comes our little finger; the smallest finger of all. Which is where we should place ourselves in relation to God and others. As the Bible says, "The least shall be the greatest among you." Your pinkie should remind you to pray for yourself. By the time you have prayed for the other four groups, your own needs will be put into proper perspective and you will be able to pray for yourself more effectively.

Should you find it hard to get to sleep tonight, just remember the homeless family who has no bed to lie in.

Don't ya ever just wish someone would bite your head off

OK, I know this is liable to kill my visitation numbers for today, but my head is poundin' and so I am thinkin' it likely is not a good move to just stare at this screen all night tonight. I apologize, as I know my three, well maybe now, five, regular visitors will drop in lookin' for a lot to read and find I blogged very little that is new. I will leave ya with this thought however. I keep smellin' somethin' that smells like a steak cookin' on a grill, but it is cold outside so I am sure no one is grillin' outside. I cannot for the life of me figure out where that smell is comin' from. I didn't have steak for lunch, so I am sure there are not any good steak morsels stuck in my mustache. So, maybe my mind is playin' tricks on me. Uh, do ya think it is just makin' me think I have a headache also. Damn my mind, stop it before I find someone to bite my head off and then I can go to the head store and by a new one. Anyone know where they moved the head store? I need one that does not hurt and play tricks on me ... not too many other qualifications necessary, expect I would like one that had a nice face, a good head of hair, a perfect set of teeth as white as they could be and looked a lot like Harrison Ford and nothin' like Michael Jackson. I will swap all of my ear and armpit hair and one inch of height for such a head.

OK, so what's up with the navel, ya ask? It doesn't hurt and is givin' me no problems of any kind. I have no plans to swap it for another navel, although I am still lookin' for a really nice one to rub it against. Anna, just for your information, I do have the thing you mentioned as most important to you and if I get that new head, I might have the rest of what ya are lookin' for. Hey, I did mention that my head hurts, right? So I guess ya'll won't mind if I end this report, will ya? Yeah, I knew ya'll were good sports! End of report.

[UPDATE: Well, it is 2:00 am and the headache never did subside, so I had to drag my nice warm navel outta the bed, dress up enough to go the store across the street from my regular place, which closes at midnight, just so as to get a couple of those sinus pills that keep me awake all night. It was not like I was gonna be able to sleep anyway with my head poundin'. Bein' the good blogger I am, I stopped to let all of ya'll know that before I undressed again and crawled back under the goosedown. I might not be asleep, but I will be restin' very warmly, thank ya very much.]

Some stupid newsletter I got

I am not sure how I started receivin' these damn things, but at least this seems to send somethin' interestin' each day. Today it said this:

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Of course, it says I am not eligible to win anythin' yet 'cause I still need to sign-up or somethin', so if I did not sign up, why am I receivin' the newsletters again? Still, I figure as long as I see somethin' interestin' each day, I suppose I will keep readin' them. Doesn't that sound like a reasonable way to handle the situation to ya'll?

I be here, but not likin' it all the much

I awoke this mornin' with a naggin' sinus headache and took a couple of off-brand Sudafed-like pills, hopjn' that it would go away. So off to court I went, took care of my client, who happily was released and went home today. I went by the clerk's office and copied some documents for some of the new cases I got last week, and then found it was about 11:00. I had this guy come in late last evenin', just before closin', wantin' me to appear with him at his court settin' at 1:30 this afternoon, but he had not brought enough money to coax me to do so and was suppose to call me last evenin' to let me know he had raised the additional sums. He didn't. However, I decided I might want check back after lunch to see if maybe he had raised the cash and just had lost my number or somethin', so I went to Wallymart and did a bit of shoppin' which really mean goin' though the bargain movies to see if there was anythin' I wold part with a few of my bucks to own. Shawshank Redemption was $5.88, took it, same with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Dogma, the first of this bunch because it is a children's classic and the second because it is Kevin Smith. The I went through the $5.50 DVDs and got Manhunter, the beginning of the Hannibal Lecter story, Pretty Baby, the controversial Brooke Shields movie and some movie called The Rat Pack. I then put $50.00 on my Wallymart gift card and went and filled my tank with gas. I pulled across the parkin' lot into the new Wendy's and had lunch. I had just completed lunch when this guy sat across from me. He looked familiar but I could not recall him. It turns out he was one of my clients I represented last year. We had gone to trial on is case and he was found guilty, but the sentence was less than half what had been offered in exchange for a guilty plea. Defense attorneys consider any punishment that beats the DAs recommendation to be a win. He had served his time and come back home. I childed him on that, as I routinely advise my clients to avoid the local area after bein' convicted, as there is not much justice to be found In Johnson County on a regular basis. Then back to the courthouse so I could see if I could locate that other fella prior to 1:30 and see what the story was. Well, I did quickly locate him and he had not raised the cash, so was plannin' on askin' the judge for more time. I advised him that such sounded like the best plan under the circumstances and that the judge might be more likely to do so if he advised the judge that he had actually talked to some attorneys and to feel free to mention my name. It was not yet 1:00pm and I was free to go to the jail and see eight of my clients. Well, by that time, it was nine, because there had been an addition after my mornin' client advised me that one of her cell mates was wantin' to see me, and as that person was not among those on my list, I added a name.

Jail meetin's are a pain in the butt. It is not that everyone is not nice and doin' the best to do the best job they can, but jails have locks and security crud and stuff that means ya gotta go through this person, the go through that person, then go through a third person usually before you can see one individual. I got really lucky today. I had nine people in 5 different cell blocks, which meant I had to take keys to five different attorney visitation booths, and yet, for the first time ever, I did not have to wait on a single person. They were all where they were supposed to be, and no one cried today. Well, I say that, but the mornin' client did cry. She cried tears of happiness when she found that she was goin' home today.

Bad news, my headache lingers and I ain't happy 'bout that.

Take it easy as it's only Tuesday

Your Tuesday horoscope, Taurus! An egotistical moment could cost you dearly; someone is ready to give you something based on an assumption of your humility. This is a day to pull back and let others promote your efforts and sing your praises.

Excuse me, while I pull myself off of my pedestal and tuck it into the closet until tomorrow.

Now it's off to work I go! crud.

Eat my damn shorts!

Oh, that was for my ISP who has been like the worst ISP in the world for about 3 or 4 years, but decided today, of all days, when like the biggest news story ever hits the news to just not want to do anything. I mean, ya gotta have some bandwidth to play Internet, and when ya ain't got enough to put through the eye of a needle, which is like nil, cause electrons will flow through the eye of a needled by the millions, so I was just dead in the water. It was boilin' 'cause I was hot, so check me, I am done.

Navel is remarkably well, but then with the hot baths I immerse myself into on occasion, my navel is pretty used to bein' in hot water. As such, it is pink, robust and healthy as can be. Time to go tuck it under some goose down. Got court early tomorrow and might be there all day, what with havin' several in the jail that likely need lookin' in on, so bloggin' will be light until I clear my docket. Ya'll have fun now, ya here? End of report.

My favorite thing about the Internet

I am not sure how many of ya'll read Sassy's blog all that much, but I find it so intriguin' to hear about how things happen and effect the lives of those in different parts of the world. I mean today she had a post about a possible military junta to seize the power of the government and that she will not be feedin' her family chicken until the bird flu epidemic has passed even though the local chicken supply has been claimed to be unaffected.

I for one cannot even imagine thoughts of a military junta seizin' the power of government in the US, it is unthinkable. As for the bird flu, that story seems to becomin' somethin' like the mad cow disease and such, but I don't remember hearin' that much about anythin' doin' with out food supply much durin' most of my life.

I like readin' Sassy's blog mostly, I think, 'cause it reminds me of how much we in the United States take for granted for just bein' born here. Do ya realize that no one starves here because they have to ... I mean there is always some where to get a free meal here in the US. Ya might have to beg a bit or listen to some sermon on the how bad drinkin', druggin', forkin',* and suckin' are for ya and your immortal soul, but somewhere, someone is gonna give ya somethin' to eat. And that is really sayin' somethin', ain't it? We ain't had to eat one of our own kind here since the Donner party, unlike what ya can find in North Korea, these days.

Sassy, you take care of that family, gal.

*Zempt's spell checker suggested the word should be spelled forking.

Enough with the title crud, already

OK, OK, I know this is gettin' old, but this one is supposed to be across the masthead right now.

[UPDATE: OK, now this one seems to be everywhere but where I want it to be.]

YES! I DO LIKE IT! Now if I could only figure out how to rework the rest of the site with those colors.

What's a guy gotta do to get a link in this place?

Empress has a good lawyer/legal joke. I have heard this one before and it is one of my favorites. I like her blog, and it is the one that gave me the new title idea, so go visit and read the damn joke, ya'll. If it don't make ya squirt crud outta your nostrils, then sue these doctors because nothin' is their fault.

Monday, 01-26-2004

Nuggets and Gems™ is a listing of links to those posts I found during the day that I thought were excellent, either passin' along some important information, displayin' great insight into some topic, bein' of special interest, or just a bit noteworthy. I urge you to read each and every one of these posts. And, if you published a truly remarkable post lately, please feel free to track it back to this post.

• A Small Victory: Let's Talk About: Scott Baio
• Ambient Irony: Powered by Penguins
• The Patriette: On John "F-word" Kerry
• Jockularocracy: BFL Roundup
• Jdaw.net : Supporting our Troops
• redandpurplehaze.blog-city.com: Have you spent time with yourself lately?
• Signal [plus] Noise: A Labor-ious Morning

Justice is actually sometimes very hard to come by these days

Well, it seems that Public Defender Dude lives in the same world full of Evil Prosecutors and Stupid Defendants that I do.

Absurd. I'm not even angry about this, I'm just exhausted. Give me a break already.

Regrettably, I understand exactly how he feels way too often anymore.

Still tryin to win the Title

Well, still playing with the title graphic tryin' to please myself. I like this one a lot, though, so tell me, do ya'll think this one is better than the other one?

Hot Damn, another Monday!

Yeah, so am I the only person in the world who gets chronic indigestion after eatin' chicken soup? Yep, I had a rough night, fightin' off the urge to claw my stomach out and pitch it in the trash heap. I then awoke, started messin' around doin' stuff and let the tub run this mornin' until all the hot water had run out and enough cold water had run to cool the bath too much. I do this often, lettin' the tub run while I do other things then forgettin' to check it until it is too late. Thankfully, I hope, I have nothin' pressin' me on my calendar for early this mornin', but ya never know. So, the day begins, and my very hot bath awaits.

Your Monday horoscope, Taurus! Your ability to present your side of the story will provide you with a wonderful opportunity. Someone enjoys your delivery, so understand that the substance of what you say will not be as important as the smoothness and style with which you speak.

Did I read that right? Does it say I am gonna bowl someone over with my bullshit?

Oh My! Ain't it a bloody shame

Damn, did I ever receive some sad news. It seems that the last of my swimmers died today when my nuts exploded from non-use.* Now that possibility was not contained in the owners manual and I did not find the event to be an enjoyable experience. However, it has relieved me of the problem of worryin' 'bout if I was ever gonna sire my own progeny. It seems that I won't. Lack of swimmers insures that end. Therefore, I no longer require a ready and willin' mate to sire said children nor any need to further engage in sexual activity of any kind. As such, I no longer have a need for women, nor, for that matter, for people in any form or nature. I have no reason to exist. I am officially a worthless piece of human trash. Yay me!

In the navel news, department -- there is none. How could I think 'bout my navel when I was thinkin' 'bout my nuts. End of report.

*OK, OK, my nuts did not explode and I might still have some viable swimmers somewhere, but it could happen, ya know?

"I need some ribs"

This might be the funniest thing I have seen in a long while.

Muchas gracias, Jen!

Sunday, 10-25-2004

Nuggets and Gems™ is a listing of links to those posts I found during the day that I thought were excellent, either passin' along some important information, displayin' great insight into some topic, bein' of special interest, or just a bit noteworthy. I urge you to read each and every one of these posts. And, if you published a truly remarkable post lately, please feel free to track it back to this post.

• Rocket Jones: Newspaper Ads
• DramaQueen: now i may have seen everything...
• Ravenwood's Universe: Who says they're out of ideas?
• Buzzstuff: A guest 'DYK'
• Roger Ailes: "A Blogger Web Site"
• A Sassy Filipino Lawyer: A children's party
• dustbury.com: Watching the gatekeeper squirm
• Country Store: Overexposure Alert!
• Your Guess Is As Good As Mine: Conversational Space
• TalkLeft: Government Seeks Dismissal of Contempt Proceedings in Colorado Marijuana Case
• Jennifer's History and Stuff: Missions to Mars

He went to call his wife and blew his brains out, Officer

Emperor Misha was blurbin' somethin' doin' with cell phone guns and I got a bit interested in seein' what one looked like. It did take me awhile to locate a story that showed what they looked like. The picture ain't big, but it is a picture. It is here.

Someone has dug up some good dirt

Now here is a good piece of investigative reportin'. Might be in line for a Pulitzer Prize, ya think?

But it sounded all right to me

I just saw this along the top of IMAO:

"Why do you want to harm France and Germany?" piped in one reporter, "Don't you understand that their just trying to bravely stand against America's imperial impulses?"

*Hey, that is just a joke, ya hosers. I like Canadians, eh? 'Cept them FROGLITES™ in Keybec, who are just a tad bit arrogant thinkin' we ought ta speak Harley Goo Parfait or some such nonsense.

OK, I am gettin' close, I think

[click to enlarge]

So, what do ya think? Am I on the right track?

Pickin' the hits

Just got my Friday joke list from George, but as the Friday Funny™ has come and gone, I didn't need to search for a good joke to share, Still, there was a list of bumper sticker sayin's or something, and I liked some of 'em much better than others. The ones I liked are:

• How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
• It's not easy getting a parking ticket downtown lately. First you have to find somewhere to park.
• A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
and
• Once there was a woman who was an excellent housekeeper. Every time she got a divorce, she kept the house.

Sir Bill of Microsoft Manor

I have now lost all respect for the British Monarchy, what little that was left after my lifetime of bein' privy to Chuckie's antics. They are gonna knight Bill "the richest guy in the world" Gates. Whatta they say? Follow the money! Maybe the Queen is gettin' an X-Box like Mike Rowe got.

Somethin' to do when ya are bored - new idea

One of the things I notice and blog about often is the endless circles we find ourselves in, just visitin' the same blogs over and over ... and thought of one way to get out of that rut by doin' somethin' a bit different. Let's call it Go Back Five. Pick any blog on your blogroll, open the main page, go to the fifth entry, find a link to another blog, click it, if archived page, go to main page, go to fifth entry, click on a link to another blog, do this three more times until you are lookin' at the main page of that last blog, then find somethin' on that blog to blurb about.

Here we go: Opening Drumwaster's Rants* ... fifth blurb links to michele ... go to main page of A Small Victory ... went down five posts to find this link to bradchoate.com ... opened full weblog and scrolled to fifth post where I found a link to Silverberry in the comments ... where I had to hit the archives to find the fifth post which was this one where I found a link that took me to this post ... is that FIVE? Close enough for this inane example: And we wind up at ConnieLane's LJ.

I was particular entranced with this blog entry:

Well, I have just done something monumentally foolish. But I can't undo it, and I don't think I want to.

Oh well.

ETA: Just so everyone knows, I didn't trade weapons for hostages or anything like that. This truly not that big a deal to anyone but me. I tend to blow these things way out of proportion.

EFTA: Feel much better now. Though not necessarily less foolish.

[link]

*This was not actually my first choice, as my first choice did not regularly link blogs. The rules are flexible as it is the end result that is important.

Help! I have no idea what I am

Cool, here are the results of another quiz which are entirely over my head.

Cb major - life is full of complications,
commitments and organization. You love to make
sure everything is just perfect, but sometimes
this can cause you to fall over your own feet.
A slightly unsociable key: why Cb major when
you could be the identical Bmajor? It has less
accidentals.


what key signature are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

They discovered sumthin' 'mazin' on Mars

Scientists were all a flutter and such 'bout the Martian probe findin' water. They later fell despondent after it turned out to be nuthin' but illegally dumped sewage suspected to be from nearby discovered motorhome. Occupants have yet to be identified.

attribution: Dean

My ever wanderin' thoughts

OK, we have reached that point in the day when the 15 second variance in the risin' of the sun, on which I reported earlier for those of ya'll that ain't been keepin' up, and I need to take a nap. Big cats take big naps. I am thinkin' on goin' out and stretchin' out along the tops of some big rocks, as it is such a fine January day, bright sunshine, upper 60s, stiff breeze makin' it feel like March weather already. It would be a nice day for a picnic if I had some svelte young tigress to accompany me in dining on some nice antelope or whatever else we could find on our stroll through the jungle. Damn, now I'm hungry.

A snarkin' we will go

Oh, 'lest I forget, her Most Venomous Kate* has again snared a bunch of snarks and is makin' 'em sing for dinner. It is quite a show, so, scoot now, off ya go!

*No Virginia, I am not yet allowed to call her Snakilocks so quit rubbin' it in.

"[T]hink the paralyzed guy's dick will still work?"

Jesus H. Alex Rodriguez de los Virgin Maria del Mar, what some people will blog 'bout. Of course, it ain't like some skin off of the blogger's nose, is it, since Velociman has left madmenpersons* in charge of his nut house while he goes to Canada. Accordin' to rumor, however, this time it won't be like what happened while Acidman was in Jamaica, the damn cats came to roost and play.

[UPDATE: Buzz is bloggin' on bulimic space frogs***. ~shakin' my head in wonderment~]

*I already got one 22¢** digital citation from the mudflappin' PC Police this week - the assholes!.

**Yes, kiddies, you too can create that nice little ¢ symbol by insertin' the tiny word cent between an ampersand and a semicolon, so stop with the damn $0.22 crud, ok?

***There will be someone doin' a Google search for that, ya know.

Jan. 25, 2004

It seems too much has changed for Opus durin' his long hiatus and he needed to talk to someone ... his momma ... or somethin' like that. After last week's episode, I was expectin' a great follow-up ... didn't get it. Oh well, the gag did make me guffaw, but it was a lightweight strip for this week. Berke musta spendin' too much time watchin' the Caucuses and the debates to spend much time thinkin' 'bout what Opus should be up to this week, huh?

The sun was a bit late comin' up this mornin'

... or maybe my watch is just runnin' a tad slow, 'cause accordin' to the Old Farmer's Almanac, the sun was suppose to rise 15 seconds before it actually did. Now that is gonna throw off my whole damn day. Anyway, just wanted to pop in and say good mornin'. I am still amidst my early mornin' gettin' ready to go out and get my cup filled with Dr. Pepper and read today's Opus so as to come make my Eye on Opus™ report agenda. I was just thrilled to see that so many of ya'll had already arisen and were eager for me to post somethin'. So? This is somethin', isn't it? More to come, I promise.

[UPDATE: OK, I am ready and fixin' to go out and get that cup filled and maybe go somewhere and get a bite of breakfast. While I am gone, do ya think a couple of my avid fans might have a look at this and tell me what ya think?]

Strange days are made like this

Well, let us see, best laid plans of mice and men ... yada yada ... so the tour did not go as planned and I did not go on the tour. See, seems this was some kind of class thing where these kids were gonna be takin' pictures of the animals and such. They arrived 45 minutes late and I had the other thing to do at a time certain, so I let someone else take my spot, one of the trainee docents who was not qualified yet to give the tours, because they mostly just needed someone to drive them around the damn place so they could take pictures. I am not chidin' the class though, because it was not their fault that the event was not explained that well to me when I agreed to be there. Anyway, so I got back home and read few blogs and then went up to my friend's store to meet my ex-wife.

She pulled up to the front of the store in a brand new red Firebird. Despite bein' almost a decade older, she had really not changed all that much, which surprised me. I was almost sure she would have gained a lot of weight and resemble a hippo or somethin' similar, but nope, that was not the case. So, anyway, we went down the street and had lunch, and mostly she told me what had happened in her life since our divorce. Mostly the conversation centered on her family and my family and what they were doin' now. Then I let her follow me back to my house, where she brought in several items she admitted she had stolen from me when she had packed her crud and moved out of my house so many long years ago. She advised me there were a couple of items that had been destroyed in the elapsed time and that she would do whatever it took to make it right. I guess what was strange was that the things she returned were things I had not missed, even at the time of the move. or if I did, just wrote off anyway. These were not items of extreme value, although a quilt she had admitted that she took and that was long since gone probably had some sentimental value, but still, I had not missed it either. She told me about her AA meetings, and that she had been sober for about 8 months now. She had attempted to avoid makin' her required amends to me for bein' the worst possible wife and basically destroyin' my trust in womankind, but her sponsor had forced her to make the two hour trip to do so. Of course, nothin' she had to say changed the crud that she had done to me oh so many years ago, or repaired what had been broken inside of me. Yes, I am not the same man I was prior to meetin' that CHB and will never be again. I am glad that she is doin' better and is finally cleanin' up her act, but mostly for the sake of her kids. As for me, my life continues to suck.

I apologize for the light bloggin' today. I was actually sittin' here for quite some time playin' with some ideas for reworkin' the look of my blog. Mostly, though, 'bout all I did was work on this new title graphic idea. I saw somethin' very similar on The Introverted Exhibitionist. I did a bit of searchin' though some photos until I came up with just the right one, and then cut the part I liked. I am likely gonna redo some self photos, though, and see if I can't get somethin' a bit better in the bottom right hand corner. Anyway, have a look at it, and give me your thoughts.

Oh wait, I did get around to doin' a bit more bloggin' -- but I musta fooled ya with that earlier lull, 'cause there weren't too many droppin' in and droppin' snarky comments. I know it was Saturday, but if ya are sittin' there, ain't ya glad someone is postin' somethin' splendiferous for your enjoyment?

Navel stayed pretty much to itself today. I am pretty sure it had a lot of do with my overall mood. I suspect that it was just afraid to show itself. Oh well, at least it came to no harm by playin' it safe, huh? End of report.

Could I have your attention please!!

I think we ought ta shine a spotlight on this one: caughtintheXfire: Well alright!!!

Stand back! I had pizza for lunch!

It* took every bit of will power I had to pass up on seein' what it was that Kelley was talkin' 'bout. It sounded so enticin' and interestin' from her descriptions, but, it sounded like I would have gotten entirely too much enjoyment out of it and probably have completely abandoned bloggin' tile I'd had my feel. I have found that the best way to beat addictions is to avoid the initial contact with the agent. The game sounds very addictive.

*Ya musta done a pretty poor job of re-readin' if ya miss seein' the first word in the post is misspelled.**

**I did, the first word has been edited.

Saturday, 01-24-2004

Nuggets and Gems™ is a listing of links to those posts I found during the day that I thought were excellent, either passin' along some important information, displayin' great insight into some topic, bein' of special interest, or just a bit noteworthy. I urge you to read each and every one of these posts. And, if you published a truly remarkable post today, please feel free to track it back to this post.

• Rocket Jones: Newspaper Ads
• God of the Machine: "Anti-Blogwatch: Humor Edition"
• The Introverted Exhibitionist: Sugar Daddy
• TalkLeft: Capitalizing on Crime
• The Bemusement Park: The End of Detroit?
• Altered Perceptions: The Banquet
Dean's World: Taste Tribes
• The Ministry of Minor Perfidy:
  1. Means and Ends in Space
  2. Surviving In Space
  3. Traveling in Space
  4. To the Moon, Alice
  5. To explain, no, to sum up

Wait a minute! Could you repeat that again?

Iran has been practicing double-speak for so long that it has replaced Farsi as the 'official language' of the too-tightly-twisted-turban-crowd™. - MommaBear

Showin' up at the door with different personalities in tow

Well, it seems that now Ted knows whether SilverBlue, Roxette Bunny, Polo Randy and Tink are actually separate and distinct individuals or are just different personalities of John. Of course, he did say that Tink was a hottie, so I am gonna infer that they are unique individuals, but I am not all that familiar with what people with multiple personalities are capable of doin'.

A break in the space-time continuum, ya think?

I had opened 30 or so blogs and was patiently allowin' them to load up. I had read a couple, even posted somethin' to Michele's open mike night, and then made a quick run to the facility to empty my bladder. I came back and everythin' had shut down, 'cept for my connection. That is the only way I know my computer did not reboot durin' my three minute roundtrip to the bathroom. So, now I am wonderin' just what cause IE to close all those windows? I wonder if it was because I was thinkin' of Bill Gates and wonderin' if Microsoft is what he was callin' his pecker when he was in college. Also, I read that Mike Rowe got a lot of stuff from Microsoft for givin' up his MikeRoweSoft.com domain. I was wonderin' what I could get for givin' up my domain called MightGrowSoft.com, which is a pr0n site starrin' this lady. Of course, I suppose I could settle out with them for this.

It's Saturday ya'll

Yep, here it is Saturday, and so that means there won't be too many of ya'll doin' much bloggin', right? Well, I will likely be here doin' my part after I get done doin my part at the zoo. Yep, it has been awhile, but I got some duty to do out there this mornin'. Seems we got a big group comin' up from Texas A&M University on some sort of research project and they wanted to tour the facility and see it like the general public does. I am both eager and apprehensive about the task ahead, as these people probably know more about these animals than I do. I hope I don't make a fool out of myself, and maybe I will get really lucky and learn a bit more about all the animals in the zoo than I currently know.

Then, afterward I have that meetin' I told ya'll about previously. I am both curious and apprehensive about that meetin'.

So, there may not be much of anythin' new until later this evenin', there is a good chance there will be somethin' interestin' to read. Oh, wait, there always is, isn't there? In fact, I bet if you start scrollin' down the page, you find somethin' interestin' right now. And don't be afraid to comment. I always like to know who's a'visitin' and knowin' what they think about the crud I write and write about. I'm an entertainer after all.

Allowin' one's navel to catch a breath of fresh air

So, how long were ya'll waitin' in line tonight to get in for the show? I understand it is standin' room only tonight. The word musta been gettin' 'round about tonight's special episode, huh? Well, it is good to see such a large and lively crowd, 'cause we do have a couple of very special treats in store tonight. However, if'n ya want to see the show, ya are gonna have follow me into the back part of the theater. Click on the extended entry link and follow me ...

>From Buzzstuff, I found a special navel view for ya'll. The lady is shy, so she is still in the green room. If'n ya walk quietly, ya can catch a quick glance at a stupendous navel display. Please take your time, and gaze upon its marvel as long as you wish. However, I have one more surprise for you this evenin'. It seems that I have discovered evidence that flyin' cars may be in the works at Ford Motor Company in the near future. Here is a pic of a prototype. I promise ya, with the powere that baby is packin' under the hood, she will fly! Yep, just what I need to work on my dream of endin' my life as a spot on the side of a mountain. ;) Hey, ya'll, don't weat the small stuff, ya hear? End of report.

Is there a doofus in the house?

OK, I wanna know -- How many of ya'll actually submitted your financial information in response to an email from the FDIC?

Men are from Mars, after all

Yep, this sounds about right. And?

"it's an Indian war yell or something like that"

Is this spin, sarcasm or just someone who observed the truth?

Whew, now them words is plumb sizzlin'

[I]f there's one thing that would justify the continued mass murder of Iraqi civilians at the hands of a brutal dictator, it would be avoiding the rise to fame of one judge. - Emperor Misha

Oh no Joe, say it ain't so!

It appears the story 'bout Churchill's parrot may have been a cruel hoax. [story here, second item] I think it is a shame, because it was a pretty interestin' thing, the thought of some old parrot still hangin' around cussin' Hitler.

Passin' along the PRAYER REQUEST

Captain Anonymous of the Lopsided Poopdeck has mentioned somethin' about the patient bein' in critical condition and askin' ya'll to pray for a quick recovery. I join him* in this effort.

*I am not firm in the belief that he is a he, for he may be a she. I am merely guessin'.

Friday, 01-23-2004

Nuggets and Gems™ is a listing of links to those posts I found during the day that I thought were excellent, either passin' along some important information, displayin' great insight into some topic, bein' of special interest, or just a bit noteworthy. I urge you to read each and every one of these posts. And, if you published a truly remarkable post today, please feel free to track it back to this post.

• small dead animals: National Offensive Colours Registry
• spankysplace.blog-city.com: Letter to the President
• wild-heart.net: A bit of a poli-sci lesson & a few questions
• Amish Tech Support: Cat (A Horror Tale)
• Reflections in d minor: Grocery Store Pet Peeves
• The Patriette: Kumbaya

Somebody decided to ask the HARD QUESTIONS!

I ASKED the Democratic candidates for president to answer five fair but nonroutine queries, hoping that their answers might reveal something interesting about what makes them tick. Everyone except John Kerry replied. Sunday's column summarized the candidates' responses to the first two questions. Here's how they handled the others.

This is a most excellent read. Rob Sama provided the initial link.

I really do prefer the mushrooms, myself

[O]ne doesn't see Bigfoot if they fly into Vancouver. Actually, one doesn't see Bigfoot at all, unless one has access to Testor's Number 7 airplane glue. Which reminds me: I won't need those Bloody Mary's, after all. - Velociman

What did ya expect to see on a Friday afternoon?

Isn't it ironic that wealthy oil families are primarily Republican? Is there a correlation between Republicans and dinosaurs?- Jeff

Oh my, look what the cat drug in

Geoffrey has found a new fangled sex toy, I think. I looks like an alien artifact of some sort.

I get some of the most amazin' news readin' blogs

I was readin' a blurb by Robert Prather 'bout an endorsement for that Kerry fella what did so well in the Iowa Caucuses, and learned somethin'. Mondale still lives. I thought he had died a long time ago. Now ya'll know why I don't play the Dead Pool.

I am #1 on the biggest story goin'

Yep, it is true: #1 for Google search on trevor richards african american and #3 on Google search for trevor richards omaha.

[UPDATE: I am #5 on the Google search for distinguished african american student award.]

I fucked up the Friday Five again

Kelley reveled the topics of this week's Friday Five just in time for me to royally fuck them up:

At this moment, what is your favorite...

5. ...quote? "buggin' people with sticks up their arses since september 2001"

Another of my childhood role teachers has passed away

Kang is saddened to learn of the death of Bob Keeshan who made Kangaroo a household word in the United States. Vaya con dios, El Capitan. Say Hello to Fred Rogers when ya get there.

Gracias to Jen

[UPDATE: Steve's blurb on this story is top-notch funny stuff!]

I was assigned a different watch*

OK, I am confused. Did they catch Osama Bin Laden or not? I mean, now that they have caught Saddam, surely they could have followed the string all the way back to the tin can on Osama's end and discovered the hole he is hidin' in. I mean, it don't take a genius to figure that out, does it?

*I am watchin' for signs of rumors that Castro has kicked the bucket.

Makin' a claim to the ultimate souvenir*

Well, let me see ... what is the most interestin' story goin' at the moment? Oh, that the U. S. Army wants to fill in Saddam's Hidey-Hole. I say No! No! No! Dig that baby up, sling it under a helicopter and fly it back to the US. I want that in the Smithsonian Institute. Spoils of war, baby!

[trackback to Traffic Jam]

*Zempt has the best spellchecker of any program I have ever used.**

**I say that and then find it don't even recognize its own name.

Jan. 23, 2004

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going,* everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

George musta been extremely busy, 'cause I haven't received my weekly list. I had to search to find a good one this mornin'.

*I am not sure what tradition to which this refers, but I 'spect it might be some sort of tradition that any joke about an Irish weddin' contain somethin' 'bout the weddin' party bein' drunk and brawlin'.

I guess it sometimes pays to get out of bed in the mornin'

Oh now, this is a delightful announcement to hear if you are currently runnin' for political office:

Your Friday horoscope, Taurus! A new burst of popularity announces who you are to a large number of people. Find the ones who are most supportive and see what each of them can do for you. A struggle to move beyond just talking about things will ensue

The bitter end of bloggin' as we now know it

I have been sittin' here for a long while just starin' at this box tryin' to figure out what to tell ya'll. I mean I started out this mornin' flat and it has continued in that vein through most of the day. There just was not a whole lot that interested me. I looked and looked for some inspiration, some spark to inflame my passions. It just did not happen. I ain't too sure what it is. Have I gotten a case of the post-SOTU syndrome? Do I need help? Do I need treatment? Do I need wild monkey sex? Mostly, I think, I just need to go to bed. I can just lay there listenin' to the rats scramblin' 'round in the attic, thinkin' how my life could be so much better if my navel was not so choosy 'bout those navels with which it will come in contact. I adore my navel, but it can be so neglectful of my needs and wishes. Navels, what can ya do about 'em. You're just stuck with 'em whether you want to be or not. Well, we did it, we got to the end. Yay. Now I can go to bed. End of Report.

I must surely be in line for sainthood, or leadin' people to drink kool-aid in the jungles of South America

Darn it, comin' back with a quickie update to pass along those Kudos to Natalie.

It ain't really all that spooky when ya get right down to it.

Cool, I found this cool quiz over on Lee Ann's blog that she she[*] said she found on SilverBlue's blog. I went to SilverBlue's blog and looked and I didn't see that test, so now I am wonderin' why did LeeAnn make that up? I guess I don't know all that much about A Light Cycle. Maybe they make things up to generate the light necessary for them to do whatever it is that Light Cycles do. So anyway, it was a cool quiz. I took it and came up as Jetpac Man, of whom I know as much as I do about Light Cycles. Well, this was the coolest quiz ever, 'cause they don't make ya live with the results. They tell ya if ya ain't happy, to just cheat and pick the one ya like. Cool. I did. I liked this one:

I am a Pacman Ghost. I like to hang around with friends, chatting, dancing, all that sort of thing. We don't appreciate outsiders, and do our best to discourage others approaching us. I enjoy occasionally wandering around randomly, and often find that when I do so, I get to where I wanted to be. What Video Game Character Are You?

I would be blinky.

UPDATE: *I need to watch that stutterin'.

The Carnival is comin, but the elephant is lame

OK, seems I am gonna be hostin' the Carnival of Vanities on June 2, 2004. So, I figured I better give ya'll fair warnin' that I expect your entries to be in prior to midnight, January 22, 2004 to ensure great placement in such postin'. In all event, please have whatever ya are gonna submit in prior to midnight on June 1, 2004. All submissions should be submitted in Braille. I expect that I will repeat this message some time in February. Check back often for changes in procedures.

Thursday, 01-22-2004

Nuggets and Gems™ is a listing of links to those posts I found during the day that I thought were excellent, either passin' along some important information, displayin' great insight into some topic, bein' of special interest, or just a bit noteworthy. I urge you to read each and every one of these posts. And, if you published a truly remarkable post today, please feel free to track it back to this post.

• mamamontezz.blog-city.com: This should sicken you.
• Dean's World: An Answer For Kate
• The Laughing Wolf: In Consideration Of Marriage
• Primal Purge: Fine Literature
• Jennifer's History and Stuff: 100 Years ago
• Buzzstuff: IQ Test

John Collins LIVES!

Says Paul.

Here's a splendiferously great story

Kathy Kinsley pointed out this delightful story about how people can become family without needin' any blood ties.

My bloggin' today didn't hardly amount to a hill of beans

Hey, ya'll, I might have appeared to be havin' a down bloggin' day what with my startin' out the day really early already feelin' like crap, but actually, if ya remember, I was playin' it cool. C. G. Hill musta been feelin' his Wheaties, 'cause he was comin' up with all kinds of bloggy goodness. First of all, he reported that Oklahoma has gone a whole 250 days without havin' a solitary tornado, and if that fact alone was not amazin' enough, he ponders on what one person was actually seekin' when they entered the terms desperate unattractive dating into the Yahoo! search engine and further elaborates eloquently on the recent changes in his health insurance coverage after a swap in carriers.

He came down with an instant case of Cat Scratch Fever

Acidman comes back from vacation and immediately starts whinin' about crap.*

*cat crap.

In the schoolyard, he is known simply as Julio*

Folks, now here is a bit of common sense I wish to share with all of ya'll. If ya are smokin' marijuana in the back of the limo, instruct the driver to obey the traffic laws. It is kinda embarrassin' if ya get busted when he gets pulled over for a speedin' ticket.

Surreptitiously lifted from TalkLeft

*Grossly indecent admiration to the first person who actually gets the title.

Way too much information!

I didn't ask, and I, for one, really do wish you had not told anyone about this.

attribution: McGehee

Leave me alone and let me eat my breakfast

Gennie says Yankees love Cream of Wheat, and people South of the Mason/Dixon line would rather eat 15 brands of grits than to ever take a taste of some old nasty Cream of Wheat. Their constant derision and comments are startin' to chap her ass. She really said that:

Wanna know what really chaps my ass about the South?

Me, I like Cream of Wheat and grits equally, in second place behind Malt-O-Meal. If'n ya wanna talk about somethin' really nasty: oatmeal. Keep it for the cookies, cause all mushy in a bowl ain't nuthin' I even wanna spoon into my mouth.

[UPDATE: Even this is preferable to OATMEAL]

Another man done gone

Well, a friend of mine just sent this email out to all the people on his address list. I mean, I knew the guy was burnin' out on practicin' law, but I never believed it would come to thtis:

Hi everyone
I'm sorry to say this but
This will be my last e-mail.

Things have been a bit tough lately
and life is getting shorter and shorter every day.

I want to take time and smell the Roses.

So I am going to quit e-mailing jokes
and travel full time with a biker gang
to see the country and enjoy life while I still can.

Don't worry about me - they
all seem like really nice people.

It has been nice emailing you,

But it's time to say good bye.

He did attach to this email a picture of the biker gang, but as it is a really rough lookin' bunch of bikers, I decided to hide it from those who might be frightened by the sight and placed the photo in the extended entry. I know there are some curious cats out there.

Oh Nooooooooooo!

I just heard that NASA has lost contact with the Mars Rover. I wonder if those little green men snuck up behind it and turned it off.

[UPDATE: It looks like I might have been right on the money.]

Now they are talkin' my language

Your Thursday horoscope, Taurus! Correspondence with someone in a position of authority is favored. A chance to live out your dream is near yet elusive; playing it cool is the only possible path to success. If you look like you don't want it, there is a possibility of accomplishment.

I am all into playin' it cool!

Somethin' will come to me, I hope

I awoke stuffed up and weepy-eyed, that condition where ya don't really feel all that sick, just don't feel worth a damn. Mold allergy is my guess. I always seem to get this condition followin' rain, and we have had rain off and on for almost 5 days now. The lack of sunlight ain't helpin'. That fact alone has caused excrutiatin' physical effects upon another blogger. I just ain't feelin' up to snuff.

So, ya know how it is? Ya don't feel good so ya can't seem to find any interest in anythin'. Mood: Foul; Condition: Could Be Much Worse; Situation: Forcin' Myself Into Gettin' Dressed And Gettin' To The Office. Ain't LIFE Grand?

The Short Report

Navel fine. Hand hurts. End of Report.

Ain't I so really in love with all the crap I write?

I originally wrote this article for newWitch magazine, which decided it wasn't "edgy and witchy" enough for publication. Fortunately, the editorial board at KenshoGodchaser.com has lower standards. - Jay Allen

Wednesday, 01-21-2004

Nuggets and Gems™ is a listing of links to those posts I found during the day that I thought were excellent, either passin' along some important information, displayin' great insight into some topic, bein' of special interest, or just a bit noteworthy. I urge you to read each and every one of these posts. And, if you published a truly remarkable post today, please feel free to track it back to this post.

• PoliBlog: The Carnival of the Vanities #70
• spankysplace.blog-city.com Creepy E-Mails
• DramaQueen: more of 'the art of spam'
• Plum Crazy: About Margaret Cho Racism, Sexism, and Homophobia
• this is the samaBlog: Cup of WHAT???
• Enigmatic Musings of a Cynical Mind: Come on now let's be real
• Classical Values: Designer genes for God and gays?
• Jessica's Well - Untitled Photoshopped Titanic Poster
• Twisted Spinster » My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
The Well-Timed Period: Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Girls
• The World Around You: Election Ultimate Spectator Sport
• Microfilms circa 1950s? from a sassy Filipino lawyer's journal
• Blogger Idol

Ouch! That really hurts!

OK, how many of ya'll have blogged until you hand hurts so bad you can hardly stand it? A show of hands, please?

So, do we get our Federal Grant money yet?

I mean, what else could these states be vyin' for? Surely none understood they were competin' for the title of the most corrupt state. So, what was the most corrupt state? It weren't Texas, despite the recent conviction of our former Attorney General for fraud. Louisiana? Nope, close, but they ain't won since Huey Long died. Nope, this year's winner of the coveted our politicians are the most crooked in the nation award goes to Mississippi. Let's give 'em a huge round of applause, whatta ya say?

[UPDATE: Doh! It does seem that I di forget to mention that Mark led me to this story.]

Sports mascots make great role models for American youth

Dedicated Chicago Bulls mascot Chester J. "Da Bull" Brewer goes outta his way to visit poor kids livin' in the projects, hopin' to assist them with their drug problems, and the man jumps in and hauls Da Bull to Da Pokey. No who gonna sell them punks some weed?

Found link on Chicago Report

There are some warped people in the world

Hey, got broadband? Check this out.

Thanks Stevie

He musta been flashin' a lot of cash around town

There must have been a lot of thought put into that sayin' a fool and his money are soon parted. 'Course, if ya got millions, what is a hundred grand, right?

attribution: Ravenwood

He must have made a trip to see the Wizard of OZ

Wow, I never thought I would ever say that I thought Bill showed a lot of good sense. He musta finally got a brain.

Beaten up battlin' Babushkas

Have you ever wondered what kind of people actually inhabit Russia? Have ya wondered just what makes 'em tick? Have ya wondered how they live? Some Canadian guy* speaks out. Of course, the part I liked best really didn't have much to do with Russia:

The States backs us at the moment, but deep down we know that if they ever decide to march north in search of fresh water, timber or beaver hats we would not be able to fight like ‘Hero-city’ Moscow. Likely we would smile at them like idiots, thank them for their visit and then ask them to please go home.

*Herb G. Terry

attribution: Laughin' Wolf

Not all African-Americans have dark skin, it seems

I seems that a bunch of Omaha High School students got themselves in a mess of trouble for puttin' up posters to get some white guy awarded the Distinguished African American Student Award. The boy pictured on the poster, Trevor Richards, and two of his friends hung like 150 of these posters around the school and another student circulated a petition criticizin' the practice of recognizing only black student achievement with the award. As Trevor and his family emigrated to Omaha from Johannesburg, South Africa, Trevor felt justified in believin' he should also be considered an African-American. full story.

Now to be truthful, I suspect there really was a bit of cruel mischief at work in this scheme. Eugene Volokh believes there are some serious violations of the First Amendment at work in this scenario. I tend to agree. As crass and callous as I believe these acts were, I also believe these student's rights to free speech were violated. Many political statements are alarmin' to some segment of our society, but political statements are almost always protected speech under our Constitutional provisions.

Conservative lady with an itch to blog sought

It seems that since Lori has ventured out on her own, Maripat is havin' to bear all the efforts on being the we on Right We Are and really ain't linkin' it to much. Therefore she is puttin' out a call to any females who ain't got any blogs goin' but wantin' to take a stab at it,. to contact her, if ya might wanna be the other part of the we I was speakin' of previously.

They sure have toughened things up in the US Army.

OK, there is the supposedly really old list of 123 things that some guy was not allowed to do while he was in the Army. I think it is pretty strange that it has been around so long and I have not previously run across it on my regular surfin' adventures. However, what is even stranger is that No. 20* on the list was somethin' we was required to do when I was i the Army. Hell, we use to make 'em cry oui oui oui all the way home.

Thanks to Drumwaster for the link.

*Must not taunt the French any more.

Love is such a hard game to play

I was goin' though some profiles Yahoo! personals thought fulfilled my search settin's and found this one Now, I know the Yahoo! program only reads the data input by the actual person, so I can't blame the system. All I wanna know is why some pre-op transvestitie is advertisin' as a woman searchin' for a man. I ain't plannin' on hookin' up and havin' kids with no post-op transvestitem but I come closer to classifying someone who had actually had their penis reshaped into a vagina as a woman than I would someone who still retained the penis. I am tellin' ya, if I knew a good attorney, I think I would sue for false advertisin'.*

I am almost sure that the girl who now only has 15 more months to do on her 15 year sentence would be a better catch.

*I am a good attorney,** and as a good attorney, the first thing I recognize is that it si not financially feasible to invest any sums in such a case.

**I think.

I hate bein' the last one in line at FARK

I really wanted to blog about the story of the beer rescue in Russia, but ya'll know I have a thing about bloggin' on items that everyone else in the blogosphere has posted about.

Here's a quickie!

I got a new car stereo the other day and it has voice activation software installed into it! If you yell out Rock, it switches the settings to "ROCK"! If you yell out Country, it switches the settings to "Country"! On my way home last night some kids ran out in front of my car. Hitting the brakes I yelled "Fucking Kids" and the radio started playing Michael Jackson.

Some really strange things happen to some people

There is a new guy workin' over on Dean's World, some guy callin' himself The Joker,* who has posted one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. I was laughin' so hard while I was readin' the story that my neighbors came a' knockin' to see what was makin' me laugh so hard. This is some funny crap.

*I was almost sure Batman had taken this guy out sometime ago.

All the fun I wanted to have when I didn't have no money

Paul found this fantastic website where you can find all them fantastic items you always wished you had enough money to buy when you were a kid. You know like hand buzzers, snakes in the can, fake vomit and the like. Of course, it is in the UK so all the prices are in POUNDs. Still, it is a hoot to look though all the gags and practical jokes again, huh? Go visit.

Oops, I meant for you to go here.

Did ya pick a good place to hang your hat?

Zombyboy was discussin' his love/hate relationship with livin' in Denver and it reminded me that I ofter consider that most people really had little choice in where they live. They were born there or in some small town not too distant from the city in which they currently reside, or their job or career took them there. I moved here with a gaol to make my home here because I saw opportunity existed and a place where the community embraced me and made me feel welcome. I found a unique position, a place in the world. How many of ya'll actually put any thought into the geographic location where you currently reside?

Linkin' to the Traffic Jam, BOSS, linkin' to the the Traffic Jam.

Microsoft vs. Mike Rowe, the saga continues

"We take our trademark seriously, but in this case maybe a little too seriously," Microsoft spokesman Jim Desler said. [regarding MikeRoweSoft.com] - source

attribution: Rob Sama

It's still too early to think clearly

Your Wednesday horoscope, Taurus! A career matter can be approached today. A chance to redeem your recent setbacks suddenly seems so simple. You have all the tools, and at some point today will receive the permission to go forward.

Damn, I was hopin' it said "Go back to bed and sleep for a few more hours, then order a pizza and watch a movie. The winning Lotto number for tonight are . . . ." Of course, the numbers would like be as good as the advice I got, but at least I could go snooze for a bit longer, right? I don't suppose that would be a very responsible thing to do, though. Do you?

I could dance all night --

Well, not dance like most of ya'll likely imagine, but I could dance my fingers on these keys and continually supply ya'll with my inane thoughts and snarky comments for the rest of the time between this very moment and the time my groggy head hits he keyboard. I think ya would know that had happened because the result would look somethin' like this: ubhyjuvgftrbhyuj [spell check actually suggested something*]. Damn, and ya get a lot of skin oil on your keyboard. Do ya realize how hard this is to remove? Me either, 'cause I ain't even gonna try. Heck, if this keyboard quits workin', I will just have to look around here and see if I ain't got another keyboard layin' round. I likely do, but, of course, its prolly an AT keyboard and I will need a PS2. I need to reinstall my voice recognition software then we could really have fun with strange letter combinations. Hey, that could be a meme -- naw, who the hell would get any enjoyment outta findin' unique ways of creatin' strange letter combinations -- that didn't involve sex. I always assume that anythin' that does involve sex will be enjoyable and will be somethin' that people will clamor to be a part of. That would not include me, however, 'cause I am not a people. I am a ***. That is a lot like bein' a Lone Wolf, only with stripes.

Wow, I started this post a half hour ago. Where did time go? Either my watch just decided to go fast or I just spent 15 minutes starin' into space without seein' nuthin'. Hey, did any of ya'll catch the State Of The Union Address? What was the verdict? Is the Union healthy? Will it survive? Will it outlive Fidel Castro? OK, really, was there anythin' that came out that surprised anyone? I mean, really? Go TEAM! Right?

I still got several blog windows open and, yet, I am worn to a frazzle. I gotta put a stop to this and just go to bed. I found myself lookin' at Bloviatin' Inanities, and it just sucked the life outta me. I ain't dancin' all night. In fact, I am about done with dancin' tonight ... unless, of course, I find some willin' volunteer to do a bit of the horizontal mambo ... (sorry 'bout that ... imagination runnin' wild- naked it seems). Speakin' of naked, I ain't. I could be, but not here. I think I will wait until I am in close proximity of that double layer of goosedown.

Navel seems to be fine this evenin' as belly is not gurglin', rumblin' or bubblin and navel is sittin' pristinely atop the peaceful belly, yea, though I walk through the valley of flesh, I will savor .... sorry, there goes that damn wild imagination again. I think this is a good time to end it, don't you? End of Report.

*No, seriously, when I ran spell check, it stopped on that word and suggested that I might have possibly misspelled the word "something".

eX-Lax for the Soul

Hey, ya'll, don't let anyone try to fool ya, but that Venomous Kate is a gutsy gal. Letter of the Day is X. She not only pulls it off, but manages to fit a link to one of my offerin's into the mix. Kudos Kate for a fine job! I think we need to consider enterin' letter of the day in the meme category for them bloggies next year. Of course, I feel obligated to play, but all I could think of is Xenon, and it ain't even linked to a blog.

Whale resembles large catfish

Yep, things really are bigger in Texas! Up in Sherman, a fisherman just landed a 60 inch, 121 lb. catfish, whiskers and all. Cody Mullennix, 27, of Howe said he was fishin' off'n the bank, all of a sudden his rod and reel was jerked down and there was some awful stress bein' put' 'pon that 50 lb. test line. He said he tugged and he tugged and fought with that fish for 20 minutes 'fore he was able to land that big monster. It's a record. They is gonna put that baby on display in the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department facility. [AP story]

He who found it first: Scott Chaffin

I was somewhere else when I shoulda been somewhere else

Crap, I am gonna have to start keepin' a closer eye on Michele, 'cause there is definitely somethin' strange goin' on over on A Small Victory, somethin' very very very strange. Should I continue?

Nyaaaaaaaa! What's Up, Doc?

I am just readin' some of the nominees in the 2004 bloggies. It is a pretty interestin' array of great offerin's. Kinda like what ya will find below, Pardner.

Kickin' butt and changin' things

Ya know, ain't technology grand? I mean not just bein' able to get on the internet, not only just havin' cool programs so you can blog, but now ya don't have to have a million floppy disks to move crap from one computer to another, or have to email files from the office to home or visa versa, but you can go buy a USB whatcha-ma-callit and transfer more data by usin' it than my first computer would hold usin' every storage device it had installed or connected to it. I made a mistake when I told Kathy Kinsley in an email that I was havin' problems unzippin' s-comment.cgi ... nope, it was the update for MT with which I was havin' the problems. So, I decided to try to download it and unzip in on my office computer, the one now hooked up with cable high band. Yay! It did successfully download and unzip and I brought all the necessary files home. I also brought a print out of the installation instructions, since I have had no printer hooked up to this system since my HP Desk Jet 500 went out last year after 10 years or so of use.* I am pretty sure I paid as much for it as I did that HP does-everything, includin' printin' in color thing I bought last year for the office, just so I had somethin' with which to print pictures. Actually, I already had a Canon color printer, but it didn't accept faxes, and the fax machine I had ate those damn ribbons that cost $24 each like crazy, so I saw that damn thing on sale for like $400.** I do guess I could actually bring that Canon printer home, but as I hardly ever need to print anythin' here anyway, I think I will just wait until I can get me another Brother laser printer. I like those really well. The print like forever on one toner cartridge, you can actually replace the drum unit for not much, and they don't cost all that much to buy. Well enough with that subject, 'cause what I was tryin' to say is that I am gonna be tryin' to upgrade my MT. As such, I might not post much more tonight. Of course, I suppose maybe there are a few items below that you have not looked over yet, so maybe you won't mind just scrollin' down a bit and seein', right? Oh, and don't be afraid to comment a bit, either. ;)

[UPDATE: Well, that ain't gonna happen any time soon. It seems that I am usin' Berkeley database instead of MySQL database, like I know what that means or anythin'. It just seems that MySQL will give me a bit more functionality, so before I do anythin' else, I need to figure out if I can do MySQL on my server, though I am pretty sure I can, and, if so, how or what do I do to convert to usin' MySQL database. I am almost sure, that at the very worst, all I have to do is reinstall a full version of MT again and iimportin' all my entries. Ya can bet I ain't doin' nuthin' to it before I export ever' single one of 'em. -- Anyway, if any of ya'll actually have a clue as to what I am talkin' 'bout, please feel free to explain it to me, k? I mean, it ain't like I'm beggin' for skins, here. -- To tell ya the absolute truth, if'n it wasn't for that ya know what that occurred a couple o' days ago, I would be pretty satisfied with things just as they are ... oh maybe tightenin' up some of the .css a bit, some cosmetic changes from time to time, a smatterin' of a bit more bric-a-bac here and there ... but the MT was workin' fine ... just the slimy slugs was findin' the kinks and squeezin' through the cracks. It seems only natural to install a few measures to stop their entry. I mean, I chide the crap outta MS for their crappy software, not because I am findin' updates to the OS comin' in on a regular basis, but because they won't open source. If I knew crap about anythin', I would go with Sun and Linux. Both are puttin' a lot of effort into fightin' MS for the long haul. Hey, what am I talkin' 'bout here? I know less about this tech crap than Bill knows about ass pimples.]

*Yep, that old HP Desk Jet did well, bein' my mainstay office printer*** for several years until I got my first Brother Laser, when it came home and was used for another 6 years.

**And like most such things, I swear I saw the same thing at Fry's a month later for $100 less than that.

***Truth be told, I initially began usin' that Desk Jet as my office computer when my office was in my dinin' room and my wife was still alive. If my recollection of dates is correct, that means it worked for about 12 years before crappin' out. What is wrong with it, I have no idea. It just don't print no mo'.

Tuesday, 01-20-2004

Nuggets and Gems™ is a listing of links to those posts I found during the day that I thought were excellent, either passin' along some important information, displayin' great insight into some topic, bein' of special interest, or just a bit noteworthy. I urge you to read each and every one of these posts. And, if you published a truly remarkable post today, please feel free to track it back to this post.

• www [dot] margilowry [dot] com: Powerful, Must See TV
• Boots and Sabers: Prison Statistics
• Technically Speaking: 10 technologies to keep an eye on in 2004

I just got the most brilliant idea

I am thinkin' we ought to come up with a graveyard for dead blogs, like this one.

There really are some things I wish I had not heard --

It is truly sad that there are some very evil people in this world. Ask Natalie.

YES! I knew I was James Dean at heart!

Which Typical Anti-Hero Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thanks Stevie

Does anyone remember The Devil made me do it?

In the What Were They Thinkin' [WWTT] Dept.: Two idiots torch a police car in Alabama. Police not amused and searchin' for motive.

attribution: Kristopher

There are still a lot of idiots who do actually vote

I have to laugh. 2 out of 3 people in my office think Kerry beat Bush in Iowa last night. Fortunately, none of them vote. Geoffrey

And this is just too funny!

English man stoned to death by modern method

Ok., let me see if I got this right. A person starts smokin' pot at age 25, smokes an average of about 6 joints per day, and 11 years later complains of a headache then dies the very next mornin'. Inquest regardin' cause of death: cannabis poisonin'. My thoughts: crock of shit. McGehee ain't buyin' it either. I am bettin' someone (most likely his roomie) smothered him with a pillow in his sleep for his stash.

The HQ site

I am not sure how many of you USURP members have been by the HQ site recently, but Madfish has worked hard to on makin' our home look really lovely. Go have a look and let Madfish know how much we all appreciate his efforts.

It might be time for another trip to the eye doctor

I thought this post was entitled "Shania and Democracy" and I clicked the link hopin' to see some sexy picks of Shania Twain. I didn't find any. I was severely disappointed. Of course, I also figured I must be gettin' way behind in my current events 'cause I didn't know who or what Sharia was. I think Ms. Singletary would be disappointed in me, now. When I was in second grade, I was teacher's pet because I always was up on current events. My, how my priorities have changed since puberty. I seem to think much more aboutthe shape of women now than I do about the shape of the world's affairs. Is that a bad thing?

And the loser of the cat fight 'twarn't either cat

I have actually accidentally frightened my weeniewolf a few times and had him turn and bite me. Once to twice, he broke through the skin. However, you can bet I won't ever try to come up behind a cornered cat and pick it up. Nope, no way. See, I understand this reaction, all to well. ***s are big cats, after all, and I know when I am backed into a corner, I come out fightin'. teeth and claws bared, and ain't worryin' 'whether those I am takin' out be friend or foe.

Political Commentary from Bill

Yep, our own Bill, the King of Suck, provided a bit of political commentary for your review. As usual, it sucked, well all except for this part:

If I were a Democrat, I wouldn't have voted for Kerry just because of his hair. And his ties to big ketchup. How come nobody ever brings that up? How come nobody ever makes the connection between John Kerry being a Vietnam vet and his wife who owns a company that produces a viscous red liquid THAT LOOKS AN AWFUL LOT LIKE BLOOD! Coincidence? I don't think so.

Of course, he probably stole that from Lileks.

[UPDATE: This actually sucks worse than Bill.]

These blog awards look like the real thing

OK, looks like the nominations for the 2004 bloggies have been made, albeit I didn't know there was such a thing and found that I was not nominated for diddley-squat, but what the hey ... to tell ya the truth, there were not a whole lot of blogs that were nominated of which I had ever even heard. Ya only have until Jan. 31 to vote so ya'll likely got a lot of lookin' and checkin' to do before ya can make a wise choice. I did notice that Dick Gephardt failed to make the cut in this election process also. Go do your part. I, for one am gonna spend some time seein' who and what all these nominated blogs are about.

Thanks to Buzz Stuff.

On the card for today: Mike Rowe vs. Microsoft

Wow, it seems that a 17 year old Canadian named Mike Rowe and highly unpopular software monopoly Microsoft are at odds over a trivial matter. Microsoft does not like that Mike Rowe named his domain mikerowesoft.com. It seems that they want to buy the domain from Mike Rowe for ten bucks. Mike Rowe was offended by this offer and said he would sell it to Micorsoft for ten grand. Microsoft says he is tryin' to force them into a big settlement. [story here]

I liked what Mike had to say about it:

"It's not their name. It's my name. I just think it's kind of funny that they'd go after a 17-year-old."

Found: OTB

Light Bloggin' Warnin' might be in effect for this mornin'

I am off to stand around to see if my case is goin' to trial this week. I might or might not be back later today. In the mean time please feel free to read back through some of the crap I posted over the last two days and give me some feedback or debate or somethin'. A guy craves a bit of attention ever' once in awhile.

Sittin' 'round in my bathrobe, fully dressed

What? Ya'll ain't believin' I am sittin' 'round in my bathrobe, fully dressed? Ya'll are thinkin' this is another one of those pranks like when I said I was wearin' Bermuda shorts when I don't even own Bermuda shorts? Well, fooled ya again, didn't I, 'cause I am actually sittin' 'round in my bathrobe, fully dressed. It is cold, has been cold and will likely be cold for a bit longer. I did not feel up to undressin' when I got home from work and was sittin' here bloggin' when I began to feel a bit chilled. I thought about puttin' on my long leather overcoat, the one I wear when I am venturin' 'bout durin' the day, but I thought it might be just a bit heavy to be sittin' here bloggin' in ... then I thought of my terry cloth bathrobe. It fit the bill nicely and I am warm and snug.

Well, 'ceptin' for my feet. My feet are cold. They seem to stay pretty cold most of the time. I think it is an old man thing, though. I think my old heart just has a hard time pumpin' warm blood all the way down there. It seems that I 'member my ol' great-granddaddy used to sit around most evenin's with his feet sittin' in a tub of hot water filled with Epsom Salt. I always thought it was because his feet hurt, but maybe it was 'cause they was cold. Oh, but my feet hurt too. I figure that comes from gettin' old too. I ain't really likin' gettin' old.

Seems I was thinkin' the other day about Heather and her hair. Heather had the prettiest curly hair and she went and straightened it. I see all these gals with lovely straight hair who work all day to get it curly. I see all these guys with these beautiful thick heads of hair who shave it all off. What I have never seen is anyone wish all their hair would fall out -- it just happens -- like shit happens, I guess. And I have gotten to the point where I really do wish it would all fall out.

Well, I gotta get to bed. I am suppose to be in court to see whether or not I am to go to jury trial on one of my cases tomorrow. This one is in a different neighborin' town than where I usually seem to have to head off to almost three times a week. I am hopeful that I do not have to go to trial tomorrow. My client is in his late fifties, a chronic alcoholic in the last stages of liver disease, and I suspect will not live long. If we can postpone the trial, maybe he can die in the free world instead of behind bars. Also, he has not even gotten close to havin' paid me enough money to take this case to a jury trial. However, with my luck, the trial will begin tomorrow. I can't get to my navel to gaze, and my hands are too cold to do a manual probe. I am assumin' it is alright restin' atop my gurglin' stomach which is workin' hard to digest that packet of graham crackers I downed while readin' some of ya'll's blogs. Unless the stomach blows, and I cannot promise it won't, I suspect the navel is fine. If not, I will make sure ya'll are the first to know. End of report.

In the caucuses, the Iowa caucuses, a donkey brays tonight*

I am guessin' from this that the Iowa Caucases are over. About all that I do know for sure is that everyone is pretty sure that neither Mondale or Dukakis is gonna get the Democratic nomination this year.**

*sung to the tune of The Lion Sleeps Tonight.

**I didn't think that up outta the blue. As much was said in the text of the linked post.

Thfffffffffffffffffffffffffft!

Breathed brings back Opus and SilverBlue locates Bill the Cat.

The Illustrated SPAM

"Unrelenting Massive C*cks Destroy Innocent Pussies!" proclaimed the subject line of the message in the Inbox. What? Someone more inane than I concocted the truth of the story in Photo Shop.

I have ta thank Goldie for trackin' this story down.

The moonbats are out in force tonight

George W. Bush caused the Cubs to lose to the Marlins in Game 7 of the National League Championship Series so that Ann Coulter, white men, and SUV owners could oppress Al Franken. - found it here

Gotta thank Rosemary for pointin' that little goodie out for me.

Ya'll might really have a hard time believin' this . . .

but it is so much more fun bloggin' when you are on high band that when you got a crappy 31.2kps connection. Still, bein' the dedicated blogger that I are, I shall persist in attemptin' to thrill and entertain ya'll.

[UPDATE: As is par for the course, that connection died as I was attemptin' to publish this post, but, as sometimes happens, I got a better connection on the next go round -- a whoppin 48.0kps. I can rock and roll until that one goes south. I 'spect that to occur in 10 minutes or so.]

Search engine updates

Ain't it funny what people search for from time to time> i remember back when I was gettin' at least one of two hits a day from people searchin' for filthy lingerie but I am supposin' there just ain't all that much interest in filthy lingerie anymore, 'cause I ain't seen a hit on that term in quite awhile. Most of the searches I found today were for Opus. I am doin' pretty good in the Opus listin's bein' in the top 20 sites in several different search word groups. I came up #7 on Google under Opus comic archive. Of course, I have nothin' that will likely satisfy whoever is searchin' for such, except maybe a link in one of the comments. Maybe they found it and were happy with their search results.

The biggest change I saw was my rankin' under searches for ***. I was on the third page, but it seems that on the US Google site, I am currently number 10, whereas I am as low as 12 on some of the other Google sites. I am number 9 on Yahoo. It might be hard to bust it up to number 1, what with *** bein' a term in common usage. I am quite satisfied to bein' listed on the front page.

Monday, 01-19-2004

Nuggets and Gems™ is a listing of links to those posts I found during the day that I thought were excellent, either passin' along some important information, displayin' great insight into some topic, bein' of special interest, or just a bit noteworthy. I urge you to read each and every one of these posts. And, if you published a truly remarkable post today, please feel free to track it back to this post.

• Rocket Jones: Published writer
• Right We Are! - There is no Safe Sex
• No more TV ads--COMELEC from a sassy Filipino lawyer's journal
• A Small Victory: ugly is as ugly does
• Wizbang: Eating Their Own
• dustbury.com: Insert pMachine joke here
• Dean's World: On Illegal Immigration
• Reflections in d minor: Better Late Than Never
• No Watermelons Allowed : ...one of the great con jobs of all time
• Kensho Godchaser - The Eye of I

[UPDATE: Add this one: Insults Unpunished: From One Of Those Making Exertions On Our Behalf ]

There is a special treat today, because I found a couple of items I had saved in the past that seems to have never been published, I am unsure why I did not post these items at the time. I used the extended entry for these items.

• Jeff said he fixes stuff in Las Vegas, but not slot machines or any other thing to assist you with winnin' money. However, he might be able to save you a dollar or two by fixin' traffic tickets.
• This is your brain on racism. Or is that liberal guilt?

What was it that Art Linkletter used to say?

I found somethin' in my inbox that I thought was worth sharin'. Yep, ya'll that read regularly probably already guessed I got this from my aunt.

Why Did God Make Mothers? And Other Difficult Questions Answered By Kids

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we we're getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?

1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it.

Then I found somethin' really funny, but ya gotta go to the extended entry for that one.

Let's get this one in line for rush hour.

The Pastor's Ass

A Pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was to much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was Buried the next day.

Who let the dogs out ? woof ! woof !

Kelley has given us the sac, but it ain't culled, it was just thrown out the back door. Ya'll better get over there and have a look 'fore the dogs get to it and it is chewed up beyond all recognition. I noticed she picked a couple of my earlier posts to display, along with some bitin' remarks that went for the jugular.

I must be on the rag today

I just noticed I have posted three Rip-Roarin' Rag™s in a row. Hmmm, think maybe I need to get somethin' to eat, see if I can't bring my blood pressure down a bit. ;)

Plastic surgery can be downright dangerous

Ya'll 'member all them stories about the boobie implants that were bustin' up and sloshin' silicon all over the insides of those titties and how everyone was all paranoid about the health risks and crap involved with gettin' bigger breasts? Hell, how would you like to go in for a face lift and come out dead?

attribution: Bunsen*

*Does anyone really know whether Bunsen truly exists or is just a figment of our imagination?

The Holiday everyone forgot

OK, folks, today is Martin Luther King Day and I have been wanderin' 'round the Blogosphere tryin' to find some good stuff about the man and the day to blurb 'bout and I ain't findin' none from anyone: nuthin' from the WASPs, nuthin' from the African-Americans, nuthin' from the Jewish Ideologists, nuthin' from the run-of-the-mill Caucasians, nuthin' from the white trailer trash crackers and nuthin' from the idiotarian asshats. If no one seems to give a whit about rememberin' the man and his mission on this day, why do we have this holiday again?

[UPDATE: It seems that John has figured out the purpose of Martin Luther King Day. It is the day for all ya'll good procrastinators to take down your Christmas decorations. Of course, I am the King of the Procrastinators, 'cause I ain't put mine up yet.]

[UPDATE II: Zombyboy wishes to inform my readership that he did not forget.]

[UPDATE III: "The quality, not the longevity, of one's life is what is important". -Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. - a most apropos quote provided by Jennifer.]

My stars say for me to have an affair today

Your Monday horoscope, Taurus! A troubling sign at home is more reason to go out into the world today and strike up a new relationship. Focus on getting your curiosity satisfied. Look around at the possibilities.

George, but what a load of crap! Of course, as a single guy, there is no harm in this advice, but I am almost sure that I am not the only Taurean that currently exists in this plane of reality.

[UPDATE: Emperor Misha has the results from a different stargazer on the same subject.]

Ya'll sure were a silent bunch today

Why was ever'one so quiet today? Was it your disappointment in seein' the Colts lose to New England or that Philadelphia tanked at the feet of the Carolina Panthers? I was mindful not to give ya'll a report this evenin'. The navel is a bit despondent that there were so many visitors and nary a single one stopped to say Howdy or anythin'. I 'spect that the navel would really enjoy one o' ya'll gals singin' a soft lullaby to it as it warmed itself under the goosedown. I understand the unlikeliness of that happenin' but I just don't have the heart to break it to the navel. It is so highly sensitive, ya know? Well, if no one has anythin' to say, I do think I will drag my navel to bed and call it a night. Wet dreams, ya'll. End of Report.

Thank George! He survived!

Velociman has somethin' to share. If I was you, I would just run the other way - - - quickly!

Sunday, 01-18-2004

• Altered Perceptions : Life
• Weekend Pundit: The First Paugus Diner Poll^© Results
• Dean's World : 1950
• Dog Snot Diaries: Let's talk race

Oh baby, sign it, sign it now ... yeah, right there, oo, yeah just like that

Like this is a new idea. Some attorney friends and I drew up a sexual consent form several years ago. I think the first step is to ask to see their identification.

Stand back please, stand way back!

Now here is a blog with a worthwhile purpose: the Soak Zone.

To Geoffrey, I am personally familiar with the soak zone. Beware of backin' rhinos.

Ya know, life just ain't fair

Cathy has a full and active life and I can't even get any nasty remarks in response to any of the crap I wrote today. I am beginnin' to feel like the Rodney Dangerfield of bloggers. I really wanted to the Homer Simpson. Homer may be an idiot, but he is popular. Everyone always seems to be chasin' after him.

It seems like I was gonna mention somethin' bein' absent from the equation

I thought this story was hilarious. I mean what kind of a coincidence that four H2s would arrive at the same stop light at the same intersection all at once. Simply amazin'. I don't think there are 4 H2s in our whole county. I have only seen two of them and never have seen both stopped at the same time at the only stop light in town. Both are women. In fact, in our local area, I think all the really big SUVs are driven by females. We don't even expect them to try to drive in one lane. We treat women in big SUVs like we do old people and tractors. We just let them do whatever they want as we patiently follow behind at a safe distance until either we or they turn off.

I thought it was a good idea at the time

John named his new car Kosheen. I wonder which one of the KInks named his car Sharrona? I ain't named any cars since the tragic death of Lickety-Split, my beloved '88 5.0 'stang ragtop that I lost sittin' still in the turn lane a couple of years ago after havin' babied along for a decade, and havin' amassed almost 400,000 miles.* I tried to replace him with the '89 bucket of rust I brought back from Chicago. I drive the Lincoln the most, but I ain't really taken the time to name him. Actually, it might be a her. I haven't crawled underneath to look.

*Ya'll 'member that spontaneous 4 day trip I took to Key West, FL and back over this past T'day? I used to do those quite regularly in Lickety-Split.

Who you callin' a ravin' lunatic, buster?

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

If you are unfamiliar with Ludwig II, the Swan King of Bavaria, please feel free to venture into the extended entry. Please walk softly and be as quiet as possible. Loud noises disturb the mad.

My appreciation to Ozguru for leadin' the way.

You are Ludwig II, the Swan King of Bavaria!

Born with the name of Otto, you became Ludwig at the request of your grandfather, King Ludwig I, because you were born on his birthday. You became Crown Prince at the tender age of 3, and soon after stole a purse from a shop on the basis that everything in Bavaria belonged to you. Tragedy struck when your pet tortoise was taken away; relatives thought the six-year-old prince was too attached to it. Your childhood was lonely and formal. Once, you were prevented from beheading your younger brother by the timeous arrival of a court official. From the age of 14 you suffered from hallucinations.

Despite striking an imposing figure with your great height and good looks, your speeches were pompous to the point of incomprehensibility. You became even more of a recluse, often spending hours reading poetry in a seashell-shaped boat in your electrically-illuminated underground grotto.

You are most famous for building three fairytale castles - Linderhof, Neuschwanstein and Herrenchiemsee - at tremendous public expense. Declared insane and confined to your bedroom by concerned (and embarrassed) subjects, you escaped on 13 June 1886, but were later found drowned with your physician in Lake Stamberg in mysterious circumstances.

But what in the world was he really thinkin'?

Ya know, in all seriousness, I would not have even put the second item in this post in writin' nor published it for the entire world to see, even if I shared such wish. Of course, that is just me, but solicitation of murder is a serious offense in some parts of the world.

What's this? A smokin' gun?

Hmmm, has some evidence been found to suggest that Ohio Rep. Dennis Kucinich has slipped his hand into the proverbial cookie jar a time or two. I found what Owen found, and 'twarn't much.

Hey, after ya check that out, get on over to Buzz Stuff - It's Sunday - See Buzz - He has some stuff to show ya.

It ain't really so hard to do it if ya just try a little harder

A very interesting thought piece over on the Volokh Conspiracy on art, politics, genocide, blood, and ebony hair. Do click the links. You should always click the links. Then read it all and do a bit of thinkin'.

Do unto one another . . . and other stuff

The two of 'em do look great together, don't they?

Well, even an idiot can make a good guess

Hey, I might of been wrong on the Colts, but I was sure someday that James would move Parkway Rest Stop off of blog*spot. That day has come and gone and he is now bloggin' from his very own MT powered blog. The name's the same, but the address is in a swankier neighborhood.

At last word, blog*spot's longest remainin' occupant, Cracker Barrel Philosopher was without comment.

The Colts busted way too early for me

I am sure glad I am not a gambler, 'cause I was so sure 'bout my prediction that Peyton Mannin' was gonna pick that New England defense apart. History will now show that I was 180 degrees off on that one. Oh well, may be gettin' a belly full of crow next week, but my pockets will still jingle. Them Frenchies have a few nicer ways to say Shit Happens, but that is the way the ball bounces.

I was wonderin' earlier -- what if I started just puttin' all the inane bullshit I think of on a daily basis in one long post, and published just once a day, allowed no comments, called it The Bleat and changed my name to Lileks, would my crap still be as funny? Yeah, them French phrases again. Where did all the dandelions go?*

*I have no idea where that came from.**

**George, ain't that a load of crap. You do too. Why did you say that?

Hey there, Mr. Madfish Willie

Inside joke.

CRAPS!!! YOU LOSE!!!!

I really do think this crap up all by myself

Would a blurb in any other sense still make merriment? Did that sound a bit bizarre? No? Seriously? Cool. Then have qualified* to go see this. Enjoy!

*I, personally, and with great regret, failed to qualify -- bringin' great shame upon my family.**

**May they rest in peace.

Is spin just a matter of semantics?

If one were to look at this story from a different angle usin' the same facts, could there be found some more appropriate words and phrases to blurb this?

Boojwah BOO HOO!

Well, shoot. Turns out I did NOT win The Hammer Challenge after all. Something about playing at a table with too low of a limit. I call that elitist boojwah claptrap. There's just no love for the little man in this world, I tells ya. - Scott "Not the Hammer" Chaffin, The Fat Guy.

And ya'll ain't readin' my crap regularly -- why?

It appears that Tony Rosen has moved to Austin and is lookin' for a good church.

He was appalled by this story about a 16 year old High School student who has been charged as a juvenile offender for fillin' his mouth full of Albuterol® from his asthma inhaler and then blowin' it into his teacher's face.

Bill Pattillo, chief of the juvenile division of the county attorney's office said Albuterol can be dangerous.

"Here's a kid using his medication who ended up in jail for five days. ... something, something's wrong with our system," Steven Wilson, the boy's uncle, told the station.

"It's absurd," his mother, Judy Dugan Todd, told KHOU. "It's ridiculous. It's an inhaler."

Pattillo said the boy may be charged with a felony. He is still investigating the allegations, he added.

"My office believes there is probable cause to hold him for an assault on a public servant, which is a third-degree felony."

So, is this a case where some poor innocent boy got caught in that gray area between childish prank and criminal activity? Is it a case of over reaction by a poorly trained member of our nation's teachin' staff? or Is this a case of some mean brat of a child who has been coddled by parents who believe he can do absolutely nuthin' wrong? The first question I would want the answered is why did the kid do this? It sounds like a pretty stupid thing to do.

Again, though, this goes back to the same problem as always. Society is warped. Parents quit being parents and shuffled their kids off to day-care and the professional child advocates clamored about the harm of corporal punishment. In my school days, this episode would have been quickly resolved by marchin' young Mr. I think it is funny to blow my asthma medication into my teacher's face and slam a board against his ass four or five times so he would find sittin' in his desk chair through the rest of the day's classes thinkin' 'bout the beatin' his dad was gonna give him when he got home a bit uncomfortable.

Oh, we had our clowns, bad boys and malcontents also. Our pranks were more carefully thought out, not so much because we feared gettin' caught, though it was part of the consideration, the primary plannin' consideration was that your prank be remarkable enough to bring you the adoration of your classmates so as to offset the physical trauma that would occasion your capture.

Kids will be kids, but some of our kids are truly becomin' menaces. This case may be a miscarriage of justice, but I am gonna trust that a good judge will make the right decision.

Now, Tony, what was this? I think I would need a spreadsheet presentation to fully understand your point. Then again, I might need a knew* new brain. If I was a gamblin' man, I would put my money on the need for a new brain.

Well that concludes what could only be termed as the Tony Rosen Report, but I am hold off on makin' that an official category at this point.

Now, 'fore I publish this blurb, let me formulate this question I am gonna ask you to ask yourself: Why ain't you blogrolled this blog yet?**

*Was this some Freudian slip from the Twilight Zone? I dunno, but just glad I caught it before the initial publication.

**Of course, I know ya'll that have actually blogrolled ***: Raggin' & Rantin' understood that question was not for ya'll. In fact, I ain't got no questions for ya'll right at the moment. I am just sittin' here beamin' smiles, knowin' ya'll exist.

LINK THIS BUSTER!

That very lovely young lady, *The Patriette*, finds some of the most interestin' things to blog about. Talk about a Democratic candidate makin' a jackass out of himself.

It might be just in time for his funeral

His Most Exalted Emperor Misha reports that the Orthodox Christian patriarch to Latin America, Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew, is to bestow the Order of St. Andrew upon our favorite communist despot livin' a few miles from Key West, FL. The Mayor of Bogota, Columbia says Castro is not long for this world. The rumor in Miami is that he is very sick or dead, but then, this rumor has been goin' 'round and 'round Miami for most of 45 years now. I think anyone who chose Comrade Castro for this year's dead pool probably made a good choice.

The war rages on

Yep, and some of our favorite bloggers are in the midst of it. Thankfully, Chief Wiggles escaped this mornin's bomb blast unscathed. However, some of those Iraqis who were positioned close to him, and with whom he had built friendships, did not. Such sad news to receive this fine Sunday mornin'. Thanks to someone there for givin' up the 411 and to Glenn Reynolds for blurbin' it to the world.

spell check is my friend

Newly added to the blogroll

Yes, people, I really do mean what I say here. What with it bein' a bit slow this mornin', today seemed like a good time to go down that long list of blogs that have linked to me that exists here, and to check out those ones that I do not recognize as bein' there previously. I found these few:

• The Lopsided Poopdeck, a great blog name that served to remind me that I did not really give a lot of thought to my own blog name when I began bloggin'. I found it to be a nice, clean, uncluttered blog, unlike my own. I found it interestin' and definitely worthy of a spot on my blogroll. Welcome, Lopsided Poopdeck.
• Pamibe, who has a picture of a weeniedog on her masthead, and bein' a weeniedog owner myself, that fact alone was her ticket to a place in the line. Also, we have become somewhat acquainted when she got involved with the reconstruction of the USURP site. I am glad to add Pam to my blogroll.
• Ripe Bananas, despite bein' a resident of blog*spot, made the list because I am on his list of fly friends and he resides in Dallas, which is my area. I am a bit confused how I became one of the fly friends, but suspect this is one of Eric's friends I met at Zane's birthday party, and if it is who I think it is, then I am glad to be called a friend.
• DanNews, another blogspot denizen, slid in because his tagline was good and he did a much better job on this week's Friday Five than I did, and he had a link to this*.
• The final one did not make it, but I doubt the blogger will be too upset about my decision. It is the original blog*spot blog for Between the Coasts

*You can just imagine how upset Susie will be about seein' a cat go up in a ball of fire.**

**The link provided in the previous footnote had no relevance to anythin' to do with the subject of cats.

Keep it under your hat

Comments are enabled again. I am seeking one of those scripts that makes people type that number you have to look with a magnifyin' glass to see on an almost same colored background before ya can post it. If'n ya got one of them, email me: the hotmail people know me simply as roguegenius. Death to those who ruined my Saturday!*

*In my researchin' for stuff to assist me in cleanin' the crap from my files, I ran across somethin' that said the sort of folks who did this to me target those who use certain words, like references to the tradename of salty canned meat products in very close proximity to the term used for the very thing you do when you want to add your opinion to someone's blog entry. As such, I am doin' my very best to not use those terms until I get a better security system in place.

Jan. 18, 2004

For the first time in his life, Opus truly regrets that he is a flightless bird. It is a long road to Omaha. I thought it was a good strip today - classic Opus fare. Heather* thought it was stupid. She was confused about the need for rubber gloves. Opus was seriously alarmed. I was mildly amused. The best part of today's strip, in my opinion, was the last guy in the line in the first panel. Well, that concludes this week's Eye on Opus™.**

*Heather covers the counter at my friend's convenience store on Sunday mornin's.

**Now, seriously, don't ya really enjoy Eye on Opus™ better than Meet the Press?

Frazzled, bamboozled and plumb infuriated

Folks, I gotta tell ya'll that I am about as irritated as I have ever been over this evenin's ordeal. I had to work and work to rid myself of all that garbage and there were bags and bags of it piled here and there. I am supposing the easiest thing to do is the install that little scripty thing that makes ya write that number you can hardly make out in the box before ya submit your comments. Also, accordin' to the literature, MT is workin' on some fixes for the next installment.

I downloaded the newest update but it seems the file is either corrupted or my WinZip is a bit dated. Never know about such things. I know just enough about most of the inner workin's on the server side to fuck things up quite nicely. I remember back when I spent three days installin' MT in the beginnin'. Crap -- I am tellin' ya -- I am just too old to have to continually stay on my toes. I mean, do you know what kind of a strain that puts on my old ankles? It even makes the skin stretch hard across my belly and you know how that causes those ugly wrinkles in my navel area.

Nope, I shall not be leavin' here tonight a happy camper. I am pissed. I have no comment capabilities, and so that means the only way you can comment on anythin' you see here is to post about it on your blog and track it back to my post. That is so much trouble, I doubt any of ya'll will even do it. That's OK. I will find someone to help me fix them comment boxes with the input boxes tomorrow -- I hope! Navel is sore for the stretchin' but still there. End of report.

The crap that happened update!

For those of you who are not well protected from the dilemma I am facin', this is a listing of the URLs that I have so far found to ban:

200.182.136.2
203.97.97.131
218.66.219.11
210.99.91.251
212.44.139.194
213.154.72.162
209.233.190.121
66.162.147.1

Comments seem to be finally cleared of the garbage, but are disabled, I believe for the time bein' until I figure out how to stop that crap from reoccurrin'. Ya'll don't know how close that came to compellin' me to just delete this whole damn blog!

More crap about me that you didn't know

First, 'fore we begin this inane diatribe, could I get one of ya'll big strappin' gals to come over here and help me with this jar of pickles? Damn, whatta they put these lids on with, pneumatic tools?

So, first of all, let me say that I agree 100% with Michele on this, but will never forgive her for writin' a tome about Popeye and not once mentionin' Alice the Goon. I mean, just the sound of her voice used to make my heart go pitter-patter. Of course, I was a little boy and just a look from a pretty girl would likely make me blush and piss myself. I was a very insecure little boy. The babes loved it . . . then! That was the 50's -- people were weird in the 50's, always starin' at the horizon like they was lookin' for somethin'. They was always sayin' somethin' 'bout mushrooms.

It would be good to see this guy move off of blog*spot, get some permalinks, maybe, or somethin'. Still, gotta send some kudos to the divine Ms. Margi for introducin' me to the funny fella. Of course, it always amazes me that people ain't beatin' the doors down to get into this place. What's wrong, folks, are the drinks watered down? Are the jokes lame? Does my breath stink? What is it? What does a person have to do to get some recognition 'round here, threaten to shoot one of my dogs? Crap! Oh, speakin' of crap, what is this crap? Are they gonna Photo Shop this little kid hangin' outside the windshield of ever' type of vehicle there is? Last time I saw him, he was hangin' onto the hood of grandma's car with that same expression on his face. See, I have a mind like a leaky collander, although most of what I see and hear just goes right through, I catch a small bit of it.

Hey, ya'll 'member that quote from Windrider down below? Well, seems these three gentlemen left home without their I'm an Idiot sign. Thanks to the Cracker Barrel Puffdaddy for bringin' that scenario to my attention.

George, but what a load of crap. I got a mess of spiders crammin' my comments with some really weird crap! Help, help, help! What can I do to stop this?

Wonderful smells waftin' through the clear crisp mountain air

It is these kinds of things blogs were meant to showcase: Tink remembers a very special person in her life. Go share admiration for one worthy of such. My crap will wait.

I was shuckin' oysters and found this pearl

It seems it was not too easy for our troops in the early days of this current military campaign: U.S. Marine Corps Sgt. Jack Carillo, despite havin' been denied meanin'ful access to a camera, brings us his impressions of the life and movements of our glorious troops. His pictures show soldiers forced to share a single magazine, waitin' days and days to bathe. It is a most impressive display of 8 excellent drawin's, and standin' guy at a lonely outpost. It begins here. Go see, or you will hate yourself for missin' this opportunity.

Found it at Feste.

One of the main reasons I like livin' in Texas

There ain't all that much that happens here, weatherwise, that will make go stir crazy like Dawn 'cause it is too hard to get yourself up and out and goin' somewhere. In fact, about the only thing that happens here that will keep ya inside with the doors locked is pitchin' woo. Oh wait, do they pitch woo anymore? Where in the Hell were they pitchin' it? I am suspicious that there is a big pile of woo somewhere in this great state. I may have possibly stepped in some of it in my past adventures.

I wonder if he was lookin' at Bill when this came to mind

If idiots were required to wear 'I'm an idiot' signs, the company making them would make enough money to be able to hire Bill Gates to scrub the toilets in their mail room. - Windrider

Of Snarks and Spam, a Short Saturday novel by ***

Well, it seems the most Venomous One has again hunted down a barrel of snarks and is shootin' 'em as we speak and layin' them out for your enjoyment. I regrettably must note that one delightful little snark I tried to shoo her way got caught in a SPAM trap in some wayward eddy along the electron highway, and evidently never did arrive at its destination. First, my thoughts are to that poor poor little snark, who must be cold and lonely as he floats eternally lost in the ethernet. However, I must view this bit of bad luck for me in light of the great fortune I had in headlinin' yesterday's Letter of the Day Review. I doubt Kate is thinkin' 'bout bloggin' much anyway. As I posted earlier, she has a good excuse.

Hey, someone has to be out there!

Otherwise, why would SilverBlue be postin' his best stuff!

HELP!

There is a kink somewhere and I ain't got a clue where ta look. Seems my page is dyin' as the left column is writin'. If ya look, ya can see it cuts off just under Hit Parade. Just before I published the prior post, it was writing a bit more of the left right* column, but the page was not completely loadin'. I have rebuilt all the indexes and am without a clue as what to do. Have I hit a blip somewhere along the path? Has anyone experienced this same blog phenomenon previously? Am I truly the first to be afflicted with the meltin' blog syndrome*? Arrrgggggh! I don't wanna die like this! Help, help, help, help, help!

[UPDATE: Well, after a couple of other people looked at it and said they didn't see what I saw, I came up with the conclusion it was somethin' within my control. As every added bit on data I added ate more of what was supposed to be displayed, I determined there must be some setting with regard to the amount of bits, bytes or somethin' that would load up in my browser window. It must be a default settin' 'cause I experienced the same problem when I viewed in Mozilla. Anyway, so I was gonna shorten the number of days I had showin' on the main page and discovered that I had never reset the number of days show back from 14, where I set it prior to hiatus so that my front page would not be bare in my absence. I changed it back to 7, and my display was back to the norm. I have subsequently reset it to show the last 50 posts. That should usually take ya back at least two, maybe two and a half days, on a good week, and if ya ain't been by to read anythin' before then, ya might need to go get somethin' cold to drink, 'cause it might be time to start viewin' them archives. ;) ]

*It depends a lot from perspective. I was inside lookin' for the problem and lookin' at the back of the monitor screen.

**I knew the word would come to me.

More interestin' crap* I found backtrackin' trackbacks

First of all, I would really like to know the back story on this case:

A young boy who raped a nine-year-old girl has been sentenced to 30 months detention.

Kyle Abdo, who was 11 at the time of the offence, is one of the youngest children ever to be have been convicted of such an offence in this country.

Sentencing Abdo, who is now aged 12, Judge Gerald Clifton said the boy raped the girl during a game of hide and seek.

He told the boy: "This was a bad offence. You hurt the girl in many ways and you have shown no remorse. You must be punished to reinforce the fact that this sort of behaviour is not accepted by decent people." He ordered that Abdo register as a sex offender for life and he lifted an order which had previously banned his identity from being published."

I am of the belief that havin' to register for life is a violation of the Cruel and Unusual Punishment Clause of the US Constitution, but this case was not in the US so our Constitution does not apply. However, being labeled for life in any situation is a life sentence whether you are incarcerated or not.

I do find this case very appalling and wonder what factors occurred that created this little monster. I don't think monsters like this are created in a vacuum. I am totally in agreement that 30 months detention is definitely merited.

I found the link on 2 Stupid 4 Words, a nice blog that does not utilize permalinks.** Too bad, because there is a another very entertaining' account of a grave situation the grumpy bunny faced in her past. I was mindful when readin' the account that had I been overhearin' that tale as one gal was tellin' another, I most likely would have shut it out. I almost did that while readin' it, but I am almost 50, and I really don't know all that much about those things. After readin' it, I am immensely glad of such.

I found 2 Stupid 4 Words through Lisa [Just a Girl].

Lisa also sent me*** to Geoffrey's post about the type of advertisements that are not allowed durin' the Super Bowl. Eric will likely be glad that they have decided to allow no "spin", yellow journalism, muckraking, use of roorback, etc. during commercials playin' during the game. Hooray!

*I use the term "crap" loosely here.

**A possible future member of the munu universe?

***although I would have stumbled across it eventually goin' through my blogroll. ;)

Susie on brothers, brothers-in-law, men in general and Annika*

OK, so Susie was thankin' everyone for sendin' her such warm wishes on her birthday yesterday.** She said a fun time was had by all, and that the most thoughtful gift was from her brother and his husband. I found that statement to be a bit shockin'. No, not that her brother has a husband, but that she assumes they gave more thought into their gift than did the person who showered her with kisses.***

The she advised all the gals that the quickest way to draw attention from the fellas was to raise the hood on their cars. I know this always gets my attention. It draws brother-in-laws like mayflies to a bug zapper. Uh, is the brother of your brother's husband, your brother-in-law? I am so easily confused now, what with all these modern relationships. I think my confusion started with all that confusion about whether Woody Allen's latest date was his step-daughter or his wife.

Then Susie blurbed the news that the most lovely and succulent Annika is finally movin' off of blog*spot and will become a member of the munu universe. I have previously awarded Pixy for havin' begun that venture. Annika confirmed the report, but said she is gonna be gone for a few days, startin' now!

OK, so this has been your in the field snarky inaniac™ givin' you the news from Suse ... you are now free to wander about and continue chattin' 'bout Michael Jackson and the multitude of idiots who think he is above reproach.**** Ta ta for now!

*That title ought to draw a few looks.

**Just one short day, it seems, after Emperor Misha's birthday.

***I mean, I don't even know where to find Hershey's Dark Chocolate kisses, and, in my opinion, such would be worth more than all the coffeemakers in the world, but then I don't drink coffee, do I? ;)

****OK, color me a true professional, 'cause, say Michael Jackson was to lay oh, somewhere in the neighborhood of $5,000,000.00 cash non-refundable retainer right on my desk, my opinion of his situation would be immediately changed. He has just become my client and ya'll all know how I feel about the rights of my clients.

spell check is my friend

Losin' your job for exhibitin' a bad job

Kevin has brought a grave matter to light. It seems some bimbo flashed her ugly tits, they got plastered all over the internet and her boss kicked her to the curb. You don't believe me? Go see.

Someone's been askin' questions 'bout you?

Ted got interviewed, and not by Jennifer . . . this time.

Worthwhile readin' for your Saturday

It seems that Eric was up really early this mornin' with some serious thoughts on his mind about the lack of any meaningful faith in modern man. He eloquently posted his thoughts, and I have faith that you will use this opportunity to go peruse his fine offerin'. Go, really, ya know ya want to do so!

Just when ya thought surely there was nuthin' new to report

Hey ya'll, I don't want anyone to get offended by my post below. It was not my intention to make light of Dr. King, because I admire the life and teachings of Dr. King. I just was havin' fun, like I always try to do here on this blog. I try to have fun and find ways to entertain all my kooky readers.

Anyway, I am beat from a really long day, and don't feel like wrestlin' with this sorry connection when no one is bloggin' anyway. Tomorrow is Saturday and I am almost sure no one will be bloggin' much like most Saturdays[*] and maybe even less because this is a 3 day weekend. I might not have all that much to say myself tomorrow, as I am thinkin' there will be some football games to watch or somethin'.

I do know it is rapidly coolin' off 'round here and still rainin' like it has been since the drizzle started yesterday or was it the day before yesterday. The forecast says it ain't goin' 'way until the weekend is over. I might just have to go someplace.

Anyway, I am off to bed, 'cause under the goosedown is the warmest place in the house. Sometimes it is almost too warm, until I need to get up in the middle of the night to make a mad dash to pee, then I cannot wait to crawl back under the covers and warm back up. I am tellin' ya, my navel loves it under the covers. Again, everyone have a safe and happy weekend, and if I don't blog much over the weekend, I might have gone someplace. I mean there ain't much goin' on around town this weekend and none of my honeys is emailin' me or anythin'. I think it is time for me to get to bed and have some dreams or somethin'. I mean if there ain't any excitement in real life, dream up a bit -- use your 'magination. I mean, in my dreams, I can snuggle with Renée Zellweger. My navel likes that thought. Enough of this madness, ya say? I agree. End of report.

[*UPDATE-it does appear that Kate has come up with the best excuse for not bloggin' over the weekend]

spell check is my friend

What Famous Leader Are You?

Now look folks, it ain't Saturday yet

I guess people are startin' their long holiday weekend just a bit early, 'cause visitation numbers are droppin' quickly to a Saturday level already. I know it is a holiday, and most of ya'll have three days off, bur surely just a few of ya'll could hang around a read blogs before takin' off to see all ya'll relatives and celebratin' Martin Luther King's Birthday, couldn't ya?

Hey, now that I said Martin Luther King's Birthday ... do ya'll think maybe we could change this celebration to another big event in Martin Luther King's life, maybe one startin' in late February/early March? I mean -- it does seem to be a waste of a good three day weekend when it comes so quickly after the most major holiday season of the year. And besides, it is still winter, and it is so hard to water-ski in the winter, and ya'll all know deep in your heart that Martin Luther King would want people to water-ski on any day off they got to celebrate any events in his life. I mean he was that kind of a guy, our dear departed Dr. Martin Luther King, just the sort of a guy that believed in freedom and stuff like that, and man who would have wanted people to be free to water-ski, Doncha think?

Hell, maybe if ya'll ain't gonna read any of this crap anyway, maybe I will go someplace and go water-skiin'. Of course, I really hate water-skiin' by myself. It is so hard to drive the boat and to ski behind it at the same time. I have only successfully done that once, and it cost me a leg. Of course, I don't cry 'bout it, 'cause the honeys love it when I tell 'em how it got bit off by a Great White Shark when I was water-skiin' off the Great Barrier Reef. I don't tell 'em how I lost my pecker.

Now, see what happens when ya'll all go away and leave me here all alone talkin' to myself. I start makin' up wild bald-faced lies about crap. Oh well, at least I am having' fun. I am hopeful ya'll are too.

Madfish has asked ya'll to take a look

Well, our own Madfish Willie has undertaken the task of designin' the look for the USURP HQ site and I am likin' what he is doin, but I want all the members to add their comments. Go here, hit the link, come back and say what ya think? Although I admit to bein' unusually responsible, I am hopin' I don't have to bear all the responsibility for makin' all the decisions myself. ;)

This weekend, I am hopin' to add all the members as authors to the site, so that all are free to post about bearin' responsibilities and such. Those member who were already authors within the munu system are already authorized to post on the HQ site.

Another amazin' milestone comes to pass

Today is Susie's BIRTHDAY. She is 23 .. for the nth time, it seems. She is sick and yet she waited up 'til just past midnight so as to share the good news with us. If'n ya ain't already done so, and there was already a passel of folks who had, drop by and wish her the best. It is a neighborly thing to do, don't ya think? And it ain't too late yet!

Just 'cause I know ya got nuthin' better to do

Singin' Hedgehogs on a platter. Strange sight and a very strange song that I found through Anna.*

*so ya know it's got to be good!

I done fucked up the Friday Five

Seems there is another Friday Five goin' 'roun'. I found it at Kelley's. As usual, the questions are kinda lame, and, as usual my answers are really lame. Just keep readin' and you will see what I mean:

1. What does it say in the signature line of your emails? There are now three new levels of MSN Hotmail Extra Storage! Learn more.

2. Did you have a senior quote in your high school yearbook? What was it? If you haven't graduated yet, what would you like your quote to be? Picture not available.

3. If you had vanity plates on your car, what would they read? If you already have them, what do they say? GEORGE3*

4. Have you received any gifts with messages engraved upon them? What did the inscription say? I once received a pair of black silk boxer shorts with red kisses on them. That is about as close as I ever got to gettin' a message on a gift.

5. What would you like your epitaph to be? A stain on the side of a mountain.

*Don't ask, 'cause I don't have any idea why I decided this would be my choice.

Ok, Ok, I will attempt to 'splain it

It seems there is some confusion about that thingy I put up there in the title graphic, mostly 'bout the part where it says I have no friends. Uh, well, if ya remember, just a few short days ago, I had placed somethin' new over on the left hand column where people could offer some assistance in order to provide a small benefit to my person, and there was not a single offer of assistance. I was a'thinkin' a true friend would have definitely offered to assist in my time of need, right? ;)

Jan. 16, 2004

Yeah, I know I missed a few weeks, but my source was on holiday. George is back and so ya are gonna be gettin' your Friday Funny™ again:

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."

Yaay!

I'm 3K!!!

I'm also outta time, so ya'll just have to wait for Tig to explain for ya...

Look at whut the dog drug up --

tarek speaks crap...: I'm Back!

fo shizzle somethin' nor other while it drizzles

Hmmm, ya'll plumb hurt my feelin's. There ain't hardly been anyone droppin' in tonight just to see what's goin' on. I know, 'cause I was watchin' the door. I wasn't sayin' nuthin' 'cause I was busy doin' somethin' for a local friend of mine. I ain't really sure what she does with 'em, but she is always sendin' me songs and askin' me to cut little pieces outta them at a certain length. She does some website for her HS Alumni Society and uses the clips for some reason on it, but I have no idea beyond that.

The majority of that time was spent tryin' to download the attached song over my pathetic internet connection. I would have loved to download it at the office, but I don't have the necessary program on any of my office computers. That task has now been completed and, accordin' to an email I just now received, satisfactorily received.

So, what the Hell does this have to do with anythin'? Hell, I forgot what we was talkin' 'bout. Oh, yeah! Ya'll was ignorin' me and didn't think I was watchin'. Well, I was and it hurt ... way down here.* OK, wait, don't let me be jumpin' to no wild conclusions here ... there was somethin' good on TV tonight, wasn't there? Yeah, that's it, 'cause ya'll wouldn't ignore me just 'cause I was not blurbin', would ya?**

Oh George, I think I am comin' down with Blogzheimer's disease, 'cause I can't seem to 'member the purpose of my bloggin' right now. Is that you, Horton? Did you hear a Who?

*So just where do you think I was talkin' 'bout? This is still the Nightly Navel Gazin' Report,*** ain't it?

**Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know there are always exceptions to the rule, but I was not really includin' Yankees when I said that.

***End of Report

Thursday, 01-15-2004

• Ravenwood's Universe | Judge: Bill of Rights doesn't apply to DC
• Electric Venom:The Letter Of The Day Is V
• Jennifer's History and Stuff: Guinness Commercial
• Ramblings of SilverBlue: My Grand Am
• THE DAZE OF VITO'S LIFE: Don't Take Chances
• caughtintheXfire: I had this stuck to my fridge for years...
• Outside the Beltway: Iranian (Fashion) Revolution
• Buzzstuff: A parting gift

That's all for today, children, unless of course, ya' would like to share what you came up with today, by trackin' it back to this post. [Idea maliciously stolen from OTB]

It's time to work on payin' the piper his due

Ya know, it is funny how there are just those really great bloggers out there ever'one raves and blogs 'bout that I just never get around to readin'. Bill Whittle is one of 'em. But, today somethin' drew me there and now I want you to go there. There is somethin' ya need to do. Whether ya enjoy my crap, or ya like Frank J's drivel, or the bow to the Majesty of Emperor Misha I or are one of those who hangs on ever' word that Bill Whittle pens, we are all askin' ya to pay us what you think ya owe by donatin' to the Marines who are carryin' much needed supplies and tokens of friendship back with 'em when they return to the deserts of Iraq. These guys are puttin' their lives on the line for us, and they are askin' our help in assistin' them to assist those we sent them to free. We freed Iraqis because that is what Americans do, now let's show the Iraqis just what kind of people Americans really are. We ain't infidels, we is the ones who care the most.

Oops, did I forget to mention that to do your part, all ya gotta do is to go here and to give what ya can!

Rampagin' doctors searchin' for Uranus

Friday Funny™ will be comin' back tomorrow. However, if yore laughs won't wait until then, Ozguru has a listin' of Headlines from 2003 that should evoke a chuckle or two.

It's 5:00 somewhere

And somewhere in our big world there is a bit of cat hangin' goin' on right now.

Hey, I got a really nasty email sayin' I never ever say very much about cats on my blog, so this post is just me tryin' to please the folks, here - just tryin' to please the folks.

Cyberstalkin' Deb, it seems

Seems I been mentionin' Deb Yoder ever' other blurb here lately, but ain't coincidental that I was her 30,000th visitor yesterday, and I am likely gonna pass the 30K mark myself today. Of course, I was not really gonna say much about the milestone here as I was gonna wait until I got 50K ... which should occur sometime in 2005.

Thursday Mornin' Update!

I know ya'll ain't been keepin' track, but today is two weeks of nicotine free life for me. I been keepin' track 'cause it has been somethin' I been thinkin' 'bout here and there durin' every one of the last 14 days. Now that ya got the 411 from the Tiger Den, go imbibe some massive amounts of caffeine or somethin' like I am fixin' to* do and have a great day, won't ya?

*I read somewhere that Yankees just don't understand it when ya say ya are fixin' to do somethin'. That's OK, 'cause no one down here understands anythin' about Yankees.

Oh my, did I ever find a nice little nit to pick!

I am gonna have to butt in again and pick on Deb, just one more time. First read this.

I find an old iron box (a box originally containing a small appliance used to take wrinkles from clothes, made of cardboard, not metal) that's stuffed with--well, who knows? So I open it up and find: . . .

then a long listin' of items, followed by a couple of short paragraphs and a closing sentence. Very nice informative introspective blog post. I found it thoroughly interestin', but am mindful that had she just footnoted that long parenthetical description of an iron box, I would have been envisionin' this old iron box, rusted a bit here and there with a squeaky hinge just full of all of this treasure, just to get to the end and find it actually to be some old cardboard steam-iron box.

[UPDATE: It does pay to read what you had just posted, sometimes. I had allowed some very poor sentence structure to pass the on the intial publication. I always reserve the right to correct my errors hereon. Live with it!]

Is it Miller time yet?

OK, didn't realize how late it is and how I been piddlin' 'round tryin' to do somethin' I thought might please one or two of ya'll, George knows why? Remember back a week or so ago when one of my other personalities came out and chewed me for fibbin' on the topic of Bermuda shorts? I believe I remember someone or two sayin' somethin' 'bout a picture of me in some Bermuda shorts, navel bare. And as ya'll likely 'member, I said I didn't have any Bermuda shorts. I did, however, run across a pair of some really wrinkled old silk boxer shorts, and came up with this shot not fit for human eyes.

Now, that we have gotten that ugly business outta the way -- hey, did ya'll know that Accidental Jedi married Jay Solo? I mean, ain't it cool they found each other? Of course, seems to me he ain't Jay Solo anymore and maybe it is time to merge those domains. But then again, I might just be buttin' in. It sure ain't 'cause I got all the answers. -- but then I do? -- have all the answers.

Mostly, though, my answers only apply to myself. Like my bloggin' and my blog and what I personally think bloggin' is all about. 'Member Ted said somethin' 'bout my blog design? I asked and no one squawked. I didn't really design my blog to be what Ted personally liked, I designed it because it is what I like. I have all those things on there, because I think it looks cool, or because I use them. I use the search feature more than anyone. I click the site meter more than anyone. I keep those at the top. The various lists are for my easy review of blog activity, or display of interestin' artifacts.

My blog is cluttered, like my life is ... like my surroundin's. are ... Like my thoughts are...... the crap spewn about is the regurgitation of my mental chaos. But this is real - not Memorex.

And you might wonder why I would just now bring this up? Misdirection, my good friend, misirection. See, you had already forgot about this. End of report.

The awesome power of the internet

Ain't it just fabulous that you can read all about the study done at the University of Maryland regardin' how ADHD in genetic and that parents of children with ADHD should themselves be tested for the disorder by readin' the website for the New Zealand Herald? Oh, not sure why, but there was a banner ad on the page that stated that monotone ringtones were now available on prepaid cell phones. I was wonderin' if this was a good thing, and was there a pressin' demand for such in New Zealand. I guess maybe Cherry can answer that for me.

Found: V. Kate's Venom On The Side*

*I like this feature on Electric Venom very much!

I got a winner this time!

I got appointed to a case today, a drug case. I knew the person, because she and I got a bit cross-wise when she hired me with a paltry $50 payment to represent her husband on a case where they found what was supposedly a hit of LSD in his wallet, which he admitted to havin', but told me it had been in his wallet for almost 10 years. I refused to waive indictment on his behalf, even though his wife, now my new client, begged me to do so, so that he could get out on probation and help her with the bills. I could not, in good conscience, do so, what with that supposed hit of LSD bein' so old, so told her that it was best that he just sit tight until the results from the State lab came back to tell us whether there was any LSD on the little tab of paper or not. She finally got disgusted, had him request a court appointed attorney, and just about the time he got involved, the results returned with no drugs found and the charges were dropped. I was right, but no one ever came to tell me thanks for not having done what they asked, waived indictment, not worried about the testin', and allowin' him to go on probation for the next few years.

OK, so she goes before the bench today, out on bond, and tells the judge she ain't workin' and cannot afford an attorney. This had occurred several times already, and each time the DA would object to an attorney bein' appointed, as the person always admitted they were lookin' for a job, so the judge would say get a job and hire an attorney before the next court date. This time the DA says, "Judge, she ain't gonna be free for very long, so I have no objection to the appointment of an attorney." My name came up, so up I go before the bench. The judge asks if I am willin' to be appointed to represent the lady, and I tell the judge that we had some past dealin's so I was not sure if the client wanted me. The client says she has no problems. I am pretty friendly with her dad, as he is the former lawn care guy for the courthouse area, and after I had found that everything I had suggested about her husband's former legal dilemma had come to pass just as I had suspected, and why I had suggested patience in the first place, I had told her father that I had never understood why she had been so upset that I did what I thought was best in the situation. I guess she came to realize such also. So, I was appointed.

Well, this is a boondoggle. I promise. Seems a couple was pulled over for makin' a turn without signalin'. Search of their vehicle reveals some pot and some meth. Bein' the choice citizens they were, they tell the cops that they got the stuff at my client's house. The deputies run down and get a warrant and go do a search on my client's residence and find a bit of stuff. They did not find what they thought they would find, I suspect, because my client says they spent a long time tearin' into walls in a couple of the bedrooms without findin' anythin'. My client signs a really damnin' written confession admittin' to a long term drug problem. The DA is plannin' on sendin' her to his favorite drug program, a 9 month in jail program. I am goin' through the file lookin' at my client's confession, the confessions of the idiots who fingered her place and I come across the warrant.

It ain't even close to what is required. It has no information about the place to be searched and the objects to be sought. It refers to the probable cause affidavit, but the law requires that the warrant contain these items. My client's confession and all of the evidence discovered inside of her residence are subject to bein' suppressed.

I thought the look on the assistant DA's face was a bit strange when he handed me a copy of that warrant after I asked him to make me a copy of such. He must have gotten a good look at it himself.

OK, check this out!

If you read down a bit, you will see a long list of links that I did today, and just above that a post that says I posted it before I was finished. I am here to now explain why that was done.

First off, check out my SiteMeter stats for the day before yesterday, yesterday, and today. The day before yesterday, I spent about 3 hours composing a link listin' containin' 26 links, and did not post at all while I was in the middle of that composition. When I check my visitation rate during the 3 hours I was busily composin' that post, hardly anyone visited.

Yesterday, I did 23 or so posts, at the rate of about one ever 20 minutes from about lunchtime onward. This continually showed my blog being regularly updated and as such, my visitation numbers yesterday were nearly double what they were the day before.

Today, I was working on that lenghthy link list and noticed that my visitation numbers while I was workin' on that compostion were near nil, so I posted the part I had completed and continued the compostion. I also posted the post immediately precedin' that one to explain why ya might see this blog as updated, but see no clear evidence of a new post.

The moral of this story, people, is that if ya post regularly and show as updated on blogrolls, your visitation numbers will increase. Of course, some of the extra visitation also comes from showing as updated on the MT.org updated blog list, but it still is visitation associated with regular updatin'.

But they are wrong day after day

Let me see, when I took that Dante's Inferno test thingy, I said I didn't believe in astrology. I don't. I mean look at today's BS:

Your Wednesday horoscope, Taurus! Your love life picks up in a dramatic manner. Someone for whom you have had a deep infatuation will make the first real move. Look out to see that nobody is watching when you follow through on a promise you made to yourself long ago.

They keep tellin' me day after day that my love life is gonna be better, and day after day, nuthin' is happenin'. Nope, I don't believe in crap that has no menain', especially when it makes claims that just ain't true.

Of course, there always is tomorrow, and I suppose one of these days somethin' on my horrorscope will come to pass. I mean the odds are such that surely some coincidence will occur.

Somethin' I just noticed

At home, I've got this T-Shirt with the 3 Stooges all dressed up in suits and underneath it says: Dewey, Cheatum & Howe, Attorneys at Law. I love it, even though I burned a bleach hole in it almost as soon as I bought it. But that is not the thing I just noticed. I only brought that up because just as the name of the Law Firm on the shirt was humorous, one of the named attorneys in the letterhead on this letter sittin' on my desk is named Hartless. Great name for an attorney, doncha think?

Also, I posted this while still composin' the one below. I already posted it although it was not complete for reasons I will diviulge later. As such, do not be surprised if you see somethin' sayin' the blog had been updated but ya came and saw nuthin' new. There actually was, but it was just addin' a few more links to the Nuggets and Gems™

Wednesday, 01-14-2004

• Electric Venom: Get Ready To Hunt Snark!
• On the Third Hand: For women only
• Ramblings of SilverBlue: Every now and then I pause to think
• Outside The Beltway: Federal Dating Service
• The American Mind: Dems Bush Hatred
• TalkLeft: Ohio Killer Cries Out Innocence As He is Executed
• Silflay Hraka: Free Speech Blows
• Kensho Godchaser - At Least We Can Print It on the Internet
• USURP: Gun Control
• Buzzstuff: A hero of the Nineties!
• Dog Snot Diaries: Nice car
• Technically Speaking: Cellphone radiation: a health risk?
• Sanity's Edge: Lesson learned
• Primal Purge: Something wicked this way comes
• resurrectionsong: Question for Web Graphics Geeks (Answered)
• dailee weblog: In My Humble Opinion
• damnum absque injuria: Star Scam
• Drumwaster's Rants!: My Cold Black Heart Weeps
• Longer skirts for hookers from a sassy Filipino lawyer's journal
• A Small Victory: my mother, the murderer
• Bloviating Inanities: Man Love
• The Laughing Wolf: A Quick Declaration
• the cheese stands alone : P.S.
• The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler: And the Idiotarian of the Year, 2003 is:
• The Fire Ant Gazette: Whistling in the Graveyard
• Balloon Juice: More from the MoveOn.Org Crowd
• Little Tiny Lies: P.O. Honors Robeson
• this is the samaBlog: Baby Is... A Punk Rocker...
• The Fat Guy: Spam Alert
• Enigmatic Musings of a Cynical Mind: They say men are slow.
• Ravenwood's Universe | Bloggers Against SPAM
• drowning at 2 feet sea level: A charge of cruelty
• The Command Post - Op-Ed - The Homeland Security Advisory System Contest [Updated]
• OUTSIDE THE BELTWAY: BELTWAY TRAFFIC JAM

Death and destruction - LIVE it seems

So, anyone out there that can explain to me just exactly what this is about? It looks like people are bein' killed without any chance of surrender. Surely this is a joke, right?

Pick a card - any card - but not that one

I ain't too sure I understand this:

This was found on DramaQueen, one of the new additions to the blogroll I made today.

Welcome to blog adventures!

Do ya ever find yourself in a rut. Always readin' the same ol' crap everyday from the same ol' blogs and ya just wish ya could find somethin' really different? Go to http://www.movabletype.org/ and see a list of blogs ya probably haven't run across. Of course, there are a few other places ya can do the same thing. I just am mentionin' http://www.movabletype.org/ 'cause they send a lot of visitors my way. I kinda feel like they are sponsorin' me, so figured I had better supply a bit of support for my sponsor, right? ;)

SURPRISE!!

Hey, ya'll just thought I was gone, didn't ya? Naw, was just readin' through some of ya'll's blogs and then read back over the stuff I posted today. Now wonder I had such great visitation numbers today, because that was a fantastic list, wasn't it? Snarky, inane and every strange thing I could think of -- do ya get that at InstaPundit? Well, do ya? Yeah, I heard that few Thank Georges out there in the audience. OK, so here's the deal -- I wanna get your vote on what was the best post I did today. I ain't been submittin' anythin' around, 'cause I can't choose between all my crap, it is all so meticulously crafted to be as crappy as possible. Help! Which one did ya like the best?

I am bettin' I wake up in the mornin' to nada. ;) That's OK, 'cause I got a new title graphic. How do you draw a smilie stickin' its tongue out?

It might be time for a break

Well, ya'll as I spent almost my entire workin' day bloggin' 'bout all that great stuff ya'll was writin' on ya'll's blogs, I find myself plumb tuckered out. I counted 21 entries prior to this one, so this one makes 22, and outta all that hard work I got a total of 6 comments and 5 pings. However, I seemed to be gettin a goodly amount of visitors so I am very hopeful I was sendin' loads of traffic ya'll's way.

I wanna just sign off and go watch some idiot box or somethin', but I feel compelled to say somethin' 'bout those bloggers who come in and take over when the blog founder ain't doin' the job. I am sure ya'll think I am talkin' 'bout Windrider, huh? Nope, I was just thinkin' how much more fun Madfish Willie is havin playin' with kangaroos than I ever did.

So what is this about everyone likin' Cherry's Navel Gazin' post so much better than mine? Oh, well, I have to be the first to admit that the navel she put up for our enjoyment was one humdinger of a fine navel. My navel looks like a hole in an ol' sack of taters if ya squint just right, but there was no mistakin' what it was that Cherry put up for view.

Anyway, I am gonna dart off and do somethin' else. Prolly won't be nowhere near as enjoyable as sittin' here sharin' my every inane thought with ya'll, but it will be different. Sometimes ya just gotta have different, unless ya are married, of course. Then ya ain't supposed to even think different.

I think ya'll are startin' to get the idea that I am always pretty weary when I finally get around to postin' my Nightly Navel Gazin' Report™, ain't ya? I mean, what with the incoherent ramblin' that seems to fill each night's report, ya'll gotta get the idea that it is time to defrag my brain. Belly button is fine under the buttons. End of report.

[UPDATE: Did I forget to mention that Susie seems to not have liked a single one of my captions. I mean, I never do well on these caption contests anyway, but I thought Susie was my friend and would at least throw me a bone, even if it was a little one. I actually only did this bit of bellyachin' because Cherry seems to enjoy it so.]

As usual, I am probably the last

But I just could not pass up on pointin' out this fabulous photo.

Can ya catch 'em all?

Yeah, I know ya had a really long day. Why doncha lay back and relax and play a vidoegame. Geoffrey found this one for ya'll.

I am guessin' I have done gone and made an invalid assumption

I dunno, but when Owen blurbed about there being somethin' about huntin' females with some nice pics, I was not exactly 'spectin' this.

Don't jump until the whales are outta the way

Is this the reason we ended up with blue cheese today?

Seein' is believin'

and I am pretty sure I could not describe this if I worked on it for a million years. Just go see it.

Our troops continue to make progress

Attacks against coalition forces in Iraq have dropped 22% in the four weeks since Saddam Hussein's capture, military records show. - USA Today article via *The Patriette*

It ain't never gonna replace the hamster dance

Well, since the entire blogosphere had forgotten DFlim, ya'll are likely not too interested in a lamer idea of creatin' your own comic strip, are ya?

Actually, Lisa did one that was so much better than my idea.

Oh Baby, you know what I like!

Ya know, it is so sad when couples break up. Of course, it is nice when some attempt is made to reconcile. I just received a copy of a very well written letter from one man to his estranged partner attemptin' to resolve their differences. Now sure, ya'll gals would think this guy deserves a second chance, wouldn't ya?

The letter is a bit long, so I dropped it into the extended entries for those of ya'll that might want ta give it a look over.

Dear Audrey:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says . . . "There's no one like you, Audrey." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Pontins last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother' old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid." Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please please please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the Sky remote control is?

John

"It smelled really bad," he said.

It seems that Kevin has followed his announcement of this week's Bonfire of the Vanities with his entry for next week's edition.

Would you like that with jism or without?

Well it seems that the Case of the Condom Chowder will not be goin' to trial. It has reportedly been settled to the satisfaction of all parties. With such widespread attention havin' been given to the case, Campbell's is contemplatin' researchin' whether they should launch a similar product in the future.

Damn that monkey, he is divulgin' all our secrets

Read my tagline! I work hard to find the truth and I think I finally found it. If there was ever somethin' written by a blogger that was absolutely 100% true, this is it.

Dean found it first.

Interestin'ly enough, I just received this study data in my email inbox. It gives us a bit of insight into the female way of lookin' at things:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

What would Popeye have done in a situation like this?

OK, Kelley is pissed and not without good reason. I mean this is in such poor taste, human decency would dictate chainsaw sterilization of all persons connected with its creation, wouldn't it?

I know I was born way too late

If I had come around in 1867, just think what kind of life I might have led:

It was as a youth in Holly, a mountainous area of Wolfe County, Graham was as assistant to Uncle Kelse Holland, the only blacksmith and dentist in the area. Graham held the victims' heads while Uncle Kelse pulled teeth with homemade forceps.

Graham became a doctor and later a lawyer in the informal way it was sometimes done 75 or 80 years ago. He learned doctoring by assisting a Fort Worth, Tex., doctor and reading his books when he was 19.

For five years Graham passed out pills in Oklahoma before an incident - a strong dose of calomel for an ungrateful Indian chief -scared him out
of medicine.

Onesies and twosies don't count for nuthin'

Pholph's Scrabble Generator My Scrabble© Score is: 24. What is your score? Get it here.

Found: Deb the married lady

Life's just a hookah filled with strawberry-flavored tobacco

Her [Britney Spears] publicists must just shake their head every time she opens her mouth or goes to Las Vegas unaccompanied. - Notorious B.L.O.G.

Some people just ain't smart enough to be good crooks

Now, see some people really do not have the imagination to be doin' what they think they are good at. If I had come up with this idea, there is no way I would have used whole potatoes to fill up the computer case, I would have used potato chips. I mean, we are talkin' computers, people - not firearms. Ya want a projectile, ya use a whole potato, ya need somethin' to fill the emptiness inside of a computer case, ya use chips! Any geek knows that!

It appears that I am cyberstalkin' SilverBlue today.

We blog - so you putzes don't have to

Jeff Jarvis on Meet the Press on blogs. It is long, it is interestin' and, except for the editorial comments by Jeff Jarvis, most of the drivel sounded exactly like the kind of crap you expect to hear on Meet the Press: a bunch of people sittin' 'round jawin' 'bout things they really didn't know crap about.

Did I somehow over look this?

SilverBlue, way back in November of naught-three posted a composition (for lack of any better word) authored by Drew Payne of the United Kingdom entitled "A Matter of Human Rights". It is a wonderful read.

I guess it could always be worse

I don't think I have yet encountered a day as bad as the one this guy had in my entire 48+ years:

REALLY BAD DAY.

This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, I discovered I had forgotten my wallet in it. At home I found my wife in bed with the mailman. So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life, and you show up and drink the damn poison!!

Poor guy!

I've got a good rope I could let him borrow.

I got it in my email from Cherry's Dadd. By the way, Cherry renamed Cherry's Ramblings to Revolving Corkscrew.

Somethin' just for my multitude of many 3 fans

I know ya'll been waitin' with baited breath to discover which movie I would be, ain't ya? OK, so here is the result:

What Classic Movie Are You?

Damn me and my compassion for others. I wanted to be Natural Born Killers. [as if!]

I got this at Dare my wild heart, but had seen it elsewhere.

Pitiously poor pingin', ya'll

Hmmm, seems no one finds much on my blog worthy of linkage, here lately.

Five Most Recent Pings
Saturday Link-Luv™ - Discussions! 2004.01.10
Hunting The Snark - Week 15 2004.01.09
Thursday's Edition of Link-Luv™ 2004.01.08
http://www.squishybear.com/b2evolution/blogs/squishy.php?p=94 2004.01.03
The Morning After 2004.01.01

I believe it is 'bout ready to blow

Yep, there does appear to be some seismic activity near the area of my navel this evenin'. It seems those fried pork skins that I scarfed down earlier are havin' a bubblin' good time fermentin' in my stomach acid. There is some strange and eerie rumblin' to be heard some distance away from the source. I wish I could record it, though, for I am sure there is a hidden message there to be deciphered. The rhythmic rumblin's are too melodic to be random, I am sure.

What, you just don't have a clue as to the purpose of navel gazin'? No worry, 'cause it seems that neither does Jon Crowcroft who has created a slide show just to show how ignorant he is on the subject.

Me, I know all about it. Ya find a navel and ya gaze at it and ya let your thoughts drift to that part of your brain where the strange thoughts dwell. What? You don't have a part of your brain where strange thoughts dwell? Well then, what good are ya? My oh my, where have we gone tonight? Too far? Maybe we ought to just end this report, ya think? Yeah, me too. End of report.

They just don't make 'em like Alfred Pugh anymore

Now there is a story of a person who should not be overlooked over on the Patriette that ya really don't want to miss.

Catchin' up on stuff, alphabetically

Arm from a cadaver too 'gross'? Found: Signal+Noise

Burger King got hacked. Found: Enigmatic Musings of a Cynical Mind who has moved

Criminal practice vs civil practice. I wholehearted recommend any of you who enjoy my writin' 'bout my law practice to read this one. I believe it is right on point in my big city experience, but homey don't get to play that game in the small town.

Dreamin' of breakin' 50K by Jan. 26. Click through and give Ith's numbers a surge.

Excitin' times are had after kinks ironed out. Sounds like even the clouds had silver linings though.

Fabricated survey results were factored into in a judge's decision to move Scott Peterson's capital murder trial out of Modesto. Found: Jockularocracy

Gone? But the sentiment expressed is mirrored in my own thoughts often. Vaya con dios, mi amigo, if such be your wish.

Hard Nerd Test. Found Sekimori

Idiocy induced by mere words. I began readin' this and found myself halfway down beginnin' to realize I am an blabberin' idiot who knows nothin' 'bout anythin'. Thanks Pixy, I love ya! Ya can't legally purchase any drugs that could likewise produce such effect.

Jackass rents chest for advertisin' purposes. Found: Note-it-posts

Kangaroos - all the time whether ya want 'em or not. And to think, I actually started that mess. ;)

Laughed too loud, did I, when I read this line: Texas Governor Rick Perry has no Cambodian-Americans in high-level positions in state government. I am shocked, outraged, and disgustipated. I might oughtta be ashamed for laughin' at that but I am not quite sure exactly why I thought it was funny.

Monarch butterflies are just too cool! Found: Annika. Annika's back is cool too.

Natural high! Body manufactures chemical that produces cannabis type effect. Found: Hi. I'm Black! I also like Glenn's stance on the Pete Rose situation.

Online Poker? Oh please don't get me started.

Poll askin' if Bill should be fired from his own blog? Is Windrider goin' too far?

Quasi-legal squads raid street vendors. What next? Found: Reflections in d minor

Russian companies sold Saddam Hussein high-tech military equipment that threatened US forces during the invasion of Iraq last March. Found: triticale

SPAM - McGehee tries everythin', it seems.

Twisted Spinster, but I seemed to have come a bit late to the party.

Unorthodox comics. Found: LeeAnn

Voted Best Line in Debate: "I don't think that answers the questions ... I think you only need co-signers if your credit is bad." Found: Cathy in the Wright although I might have gotten there eventually on my own. ;)

Wise Man moves and changes his name. Face now shown on America's Most Wanted? He's Blogged & Dangerous.

X-ray machines at airports not yet capable of detecting idiots. Found: Margi Lowry

Ya'll are really gonna love this - LOTR as told by Dr. Seuss? Found: Right We Are!

ZZZZZZZZ Still no sign of Anna's return.

This post was slightly over 3 hours in the makin' and only one bag of fried pork skins and 18 ounces of Dr. Pepper were harmed.

I just don't think they are watchin' over us

I sometimes wonder about my little hometown. It does seem to be a little dead around here on occasion.

Then ya see somethin' that makes ya really begin to worry.

Yep, this is that special thing I was tryin' to do. Ya know, even at 1500dpi ya still could not really tell all them birds was turkey vultures. Of course, 'round here, we call 'em buzzards. It is kinda of a frightenin' sight to see what is likely every buzzard in the area sittin' around your town's water tower.

By the way, in case ya hadn't guessed

I spent an hour this mornin' at the Johnson County Courthouse before learnin' that my case was gonna be passed over this time around. It seems there were two other people who had been sittin' in jail awaitin' goin' to trial for a year already, so as my client has only been there somewhere about 90 days now, it was felt the other guys should go to trial first. I kinda felt like that was fair also. My client did not seem like he as too happy about goin' to trial today as it was, so he did not seem to have any problem with bein' set off for another month.

I came back to the office and was gettin' some stuff done, when lunch rolled around and my secretary left. She called in sayin' she was sick and was goin' to the doctor about the time she was due to return. I am not quite sure what to think about that right now.

I got something a bit special I am tryin' to put up for ya'll to see, but I seem to be havin' a bit of a problem gettin' it to scan just right for some reason. It seems my processor does not like me scannin' stuff at 1500 resolution, or 1200 resolution or even 600 resolution. That is why I have been sittin' here but not really doin' much about gettin' my share of today's bloggin' done. I am gonna give it one more try and I think I am gonna be successful this time.

Easy come, easy go

Well. well, well -- it seems that new feature I had gone to all the trouble to put up went south right after I did so. Fine, be that way. It was not like I was gettin' any donations anyway, so I deleted it. Just in case ya'll was wonderin' where it had gone -- it is long gone. So there!

Quit teasin' me, damn it!

Your Monday horoscope, Taurus! A lucky stroke will put you in the right place at the right time. A romantic encounter is favored if you are single; an enjoyable afternoon with children or your closest partner is ahead if you have already committed to someone.

Ya done played this game with me last Friday and I came home broken hearted. Stop tuggin' at my heart strings makin' me think that somethin' good is comin' my way, stargazers. There is a dark cloud affectin' my star chart that ya'll ain't seein'.

Oddities of a different sort or maybe not that odd -- you call it

I liked the navel that Cherry provided us to gaze upon. I would gladly do that in person if provided the opportunity, the navel havin' such a delectable appearance. My navel is washed, dried, perky and ready for me to tuck it in for the night. I venture that such will be done fairly shortly so that I can arise a bit early tomorrow so as to get ready for my trial. I am so ready, I am almost sure that such case will be continued to a later date.

I missed all the good FOX shows after the football games because I went to the office to prepare a few things so as to increase my readiness for the trial, so again, my professional life has gotten in the way of my needs. Oh well, the sacrifices we must make so as to do our Constitutional duties must take precedence over any other thing in our lives, don't ya think?

I think I ate too much today. I am convinced that cigarettes have an appetite suppressant in them and now that I am not gettin' my daily dose of such, I am hungry all the time. I seem to be on the Anti-Atkins diet, crammin' carbs like they are goin' outta style or somethin'. Hopefully this passes, or I am gonna have to think about another problem I need to fix to make myself better.

Yep, the ever growing quest for perfection - it is a burden I bear - for if you cease the quest to improve yourself, you cease to live in any meaningful manner, doncha?

Maybe I ought to take my inane ramblin' self to bed. Hopefully my dreams will be less muddled than my final effort at bloggin' today.

I have noticed that that thingy I added a couple of days ago has ceased to function correctly. I am suspicious that it is all my fault for havin' displayed the graphic and so many of ya'll havin' gone to donate your services in such effort. If you have found yourself blocked from what you feel is your duty in such regard, please do feel free to email me directly.

Did I mention that my navel was fine? Of course, I did. End of report.

Tig calls the Superbowl

I don't know 'bout ya'll, but I think we all owe the NFL a big round of applause for a fantastic weekend of football games. I was rootin' for Carolina, Green Bay, Indianapolis and Tennessee, so that means next week I will be pullin' for Carolina and Indianapolis, and am actually thinkin' that Indianapolis has the best chance of takin' the Trophy home this year.

Somethin' I got in my inbox

Some of ya'll might like this: Saddam's an OutKast: Hey Allah! High bandwidth suggested if ya wanna click that link.

Gazing from a different perspective

Seems there has been a lot of bellyaching on this blog recently, so I thought for a change, we could all gaze at a different navel.

It's been almost four months since I last came visiting, and I thought that seein' as I had managed to aquire a navel pic for you all, I might come crashing through again and show ya'll.

Tig has run outta ideas... You know he's gettin' really desperate when he starts consulting the dictionary for ideas!!!

Or in the words of our ***: SIMPLY PATHETIC!

Jan. 11, 2004

Oh my George! Today's strip is a candidate for the all-time best of Opus! The last panel had me literally laughin' out loud.* I would buy that on a t-shirt! If anyone scans this one and puts it up, please notify me so that I can link to it (after I archive the image for my personal use).

*This fact is interestin' only because 1) I laugh out loud only when I find somethin' truly funny; and 2) I read the strip by going to my friend's convenience store, takin' a Ft. Worth Star-Telegram off of the stack for sale, takin' the paper over to the top of a freezer, gingerly openin' the paper to the middle so as to pull out the comics. Opus is on the bottom of the third page. After I have read Opus, I place the paper back into its former condition and set the paper back where I got it. There were a couple of other people around this morning who were likely wonderin' why I was laughin' my silly head off.**

**I am pretty sure that is my longest footnote ever since beginnin' this blog.***

***Whereas the previous footnote was probably the the most worthless one I ever did.

I am becomin' such a pathetic blogger

Here I was thinkin' I was gonna be all fresh and full of ideas to share with ya'll today, and yet .... numb. For some reason, I cannot get the thought of that trial I am beginnin' at 9:00 am Monday mornin' (possibly) outta my mind, and most likely won't be able to do so until the trial is over or I find it is continued until such later date. The case is one of five possible cases goin' to trial next week. My thinkin' may be highly intermitten* for a few days. Please adjust your viewin' schedule accordin'ly.

*I even had to consult the dictionary to make sure I was correct in the usage of this word.**

**SIMPLY PATHETIC!

It's only temporary

Yep, finally got my smile back without the hillybilly crack, but the fix is only temporary.

My navel is fine, I am naked as a jaybird and goin' to bed. I do want to thank all ya'll for droppin' by today and especially Kate for recognizin' me on her blog in her weekly Snark Hunt. I would love to hang around and share more personal news with ya'll, but I am pretty tired. I guess seein' 11 out of 12 people I needed to see and spendin' 2.5 hours at a dental office was more than sittin' and watchin' a 3 hour good movie could fix. Of course, if ya remember, I was already pretty tuckered out for the week yesterday.

I am thinkin' of doin' somethin' special tomorrow. I guess we shall see.

Cold Mountain

OK, after I left the dentist's office today, followin' a harrowin' two and a half hours of sittin' in the chair, I did what I usually do, since I have to drive almost 90 minutes and 75 miles just to get there, I drove across the street and watched a movie. It was just about 5:00 pm when I left the dentist's office and the only movie startin' within two hours was one called Cold Mountain. I had looked through the posters as I walked up toward the ticket box and there was really nothin' on the poster to tell me anythin' about what this movie was about. The only thing that interested me at all was that Renée Zellweger was in it, and those of ya'll who are regular readers know I think Renée Zellweger is the cat's meow.

So I walked up just as some lady had asked for a ticket to see the movie, and as she turned, I said I have not heard anythin' 'bout this movie. She said she had heard it was well written. I thought, OK, Renée Zellweger and a good script, why not. I bought my ticket and in I went.

The lady was right. The movie has a great script. It had a feel to it a lot like Legends of the Fall, in my opinion. It was almost 3 hours long, without any intermission, but it did not drag along. I found the movie very entertainin' and I think it will draw a lot of movie award nominations. In my opinion, Renée Zellweger will be deservin' an award for her role. I am tellin' ya, both she and Nicole Kidman did wonderful jobs. My only regret in the whole movie was that Renée's character did not come around until after half the movie was over. Other than that, I found nothin' to pick on. Go see it. It is definitely worth the price of admission.

Today's Horoscope says:

This is the luckiest day of the New Year so far. A romantic proposition is actually a chance to change the way you live. Assume that anything this big must be good and embrace the easy way up being offered.

I am so very hopeful this one has some validity, ya'll!

[My belly button is doin' fine, by the way, just in case anyone was really worried about there havin' been no Nightly Navel Gazin' Report™ for last night.]

I noticed a few things while I was lookin' around

OK, I had to go see the post where SilverBlue linked back to my Elvis post and then checked out most of the other blogs he had linked on that post. I found all those posts pretty interestin' and left comments here and there. Of course, what I noticed most of all is that SilverBlue's trackback was the first one I have gotten since the 3rd and that no one seems to be commentin' on my long day even though my first two posts actually had long day in the title. Ah, seriously, I am just joshin' as I am not concerned if you comment or not or even if you read this drivel. I am really just a bit too tired to be concerned about much of anythin'.

Yeah, there is somethin' new on the left column

I saw it here, and who in the world would pass up on puttin' up such a good thing like that on their blog, right?

Oh my, was this ever a long day

If there was any justice in this world, today would be Friday as I am plumb tuckered out. I was just at my friend's store standin' at the counter. I guess I was standin' there for fifteen minutes or so before someone finally asked me what I was doin'. I looked at them and said, "I guess I ought to just go home, because I have absolutely no idea what I am doin' right now.

It started out with me havin' court today, but all my cases were set at 1:30 pm, just after lunch. The notice says they are set at 9:00 am, but I know from experience that because my clients are still in jail, that they won't be brought to court until after lunch, but as long as the notices keep comin' in sayin' the cases are set to be heard at 9:00 am, I will continue to show up at 9:00 am. I am afraid that the first time I don't do that, that will be the day the judge decides to have all the jail prisoners brought up in the mornin'.

So, since I was there, I decided to take care of some other business. I copied a bunch of paperwork I needed for some of my cases in the clerk's office, mostly new cases I have been appointed on, so that I could go visit those clients in the jail afterward. However, my time was growin' too short to try to get into the jail to see them and then get back to court by 1:00 so as to get a chance to speak to my clients before the judge came in. I now am gonna have to spend my entire free mornin' tomorrow seein' a dozen different people in the jail.

After I found I was unable to get to the jail this mornin', I went by Wal Mart and bought some wiper blades for my car and some strong mint breath spray I am usin' to assist me in my stop smokin' program. I had a quickie breakfast at McD's and then decided to run back to my town to drop off some of the files and give my new secretary a few instructions so that she would not have to play Free Cell all day while I was in court. I dropped by to check on Matt, and he wanted me to go to lunch with him, so I did, but I only ate a small order of Tater Tots at Sonic, since I had that very late breakfast. Then I headed back for court.

I started out with 4 clients set for pretrial hearings today. One decided to plead guilty, another the DA is threatenin' to re-indict, one other I suggest we polygraph the defendant on an issue regardin' whether he had permission to use the ATM card or not, and one that is one of five possible cases goin' to trial on Monday. I was also appointed to represent another person while I was awaitin' the probation officers to complete the paperwork for my pleadin' client. I also ran upstairs and talked to another judge about another case durin' some of the wait time, as well as went to Da's office to try to track down some information about a couple of files that I had not seen any action on. One was dropped and the other one even the DA's office was confused as to why there was no pendin' action. It might have actually fallen into a crack in the system, so that might have been my biggest accomplishment today. I mean I am still unsure as to what the outcome of the case will be for my client, but whatever it is, it is likely gonna be much better than him rottin' in the Johnson County Jail unforgotten and lost in the system.

Anyway, I finally got back to the office just in time to get my dozen files all lined up and ready so I can go do my jail calls tomorrow mornin'. Tomorrow afternoon, I will be at the dentist office. I am actually supposed to get somethin' done to my teeth besides cleanin' them this time. I might also watch a movie afterward.

Right now, I think I am gonna go rest for a bit. If'n I don't come back, it might be 'cause I fell asleep. I have been yawnin' pretty wide as I was sittin' here composin' this post. Don't fret too much if I am unable to tell ya about the condition of my belly button, OK?

A little quickie before a long day

Happy Birthday, Elvis, wherever you might be!

Some thoughts of late that I been havin'

Ya know, I am not sure if it is 'cause I can't sit here and chain smoke while things come to my mind or just 'cause I finally figured out I am an ignorant dufus who should have been chained up in someone's basement a long time ago ... 'cause for some reason I am havin' a really hard time findin' time just to stare at a computer screen for most of the day. 'Course, yesterday, it was cold as [I really want to say "Hell" but it ain't cold there] Hillary Clinton's heart around here so findin' a warm spot seemed to have been my primary motivation. Thankfully it has warmed up just a bit to just as cold as Rush Limbaugh's heart, which is tolerable enough for me to sit here starin' mindlessly at a computer screen without chatterin' teeth.

So, bloggin' can be done with a minimum of physical discomfort. Why do I feel so unmotivated to write about anythin'? The damned blue funk is supposed to be over already. I don't feel withdrawn, just uninterested in sharin' my inane thoughts about crap other than my mundane personal universe right at the moment. If I don't at least do that, I have discovered that ya'll worry too much about me.

So, let's see navel ... doin' well. My back is still achin' and has been for a couple of weeks now. I stopped by a chiropractor's office today, but didn't set an appointment. Mostly a shortage of time. My knee is also a bit sore from yesterday. I forgot to tell ya about when I got up to go to the bathroom in the cold cold night night* before last and in my rush to get back to the bed in the dark somehow strongly slammed my left kneecap into the door frame. I am gonna share somethin' very personal, I cussed George** loudly when that happened. It still hurts now, just to give ya some feelin' of what it felt like when it occurred. I quickly hobbled back to that waitin' warm bed where I lay mutterin' to myself about how bad my knee hurt for a good half hour before I fell back asleep.

Now, seriously ... was there anythin' I could'a blogged 'bout that would have interested ya as much as that? Pick any other subject other than myself and my thoughts about crap, and someone has already done a much better job of bloggin' 'bout it than me. And, to tell ya the truth, I would really rather ya were comin' here because ya was laughin' at how funny I look in that picture up there. Ya know, I am gettin' to the bottom of this and am without a clue as to where I was goin' with this post, so if it don't make a whit of sense, ignore it.

*If ya say it out loud, it really does make sense.

**I often consider that people who have not been readin' this blog forever are without a clue as to the identity of George.

This might actually be the most borin' minutiae?

While I read James often and rarely find very little that I am in disagreement with enough to blog about, but then I read somethin' like this:

While I'm sufficiently old school to think people traveling on airplanes should dress presentably . . .

Here it is Wednesday, again

Why is it that some weeks seem to go by too fast? I mean I got a lot that needs to be done this week and yet seem to have too little time to do anythin'. Oh well, seems as good a time as any to get started, so bloggin' will resume when I find a break.

I tell ya'll though, that I am way behind in everythin'. I have to much work to do, too many blogs to read, and still need to find the mother of my children. Sadly, however, I seem to have lost the instruction book on how to live one's life with a minimum of stress, heartache, and physical pain. I ain't givin' up, though. If I was plannin' on doin' that, I would not have gone through the excrutiatin' effort of layin' down those cigs, would I? Six days down, people. When I arise tomorrow, I will have completed a complete week without takin' a single puff from a cigarette. I am pretty sure that has not previously occurred in my life in the last 32 or so years. I do not feel so proud, however, as foolish for not havin' done this years ago.

Great, now look what ya made me do! Now I am runnin' late.

It is so cold ---

How cold is it? It is cold enough to make me want to forego almost anythin' just to find somewhere warm for awhile. I am thinkin' of lookin' through my movies and findin' one worth watchin' and then puttin' it in the bedroom VCR so that I can entertain myself while buried under that nice layer of goose down. In fact, I am thinkin' I ought to break the other comforter out as well, just so I have enough goosedown piled on top of me to make sure I am warm. We do have to keep that navel in superb shape, ya know, otherwise there would be nothin' to report 'bout in these Nightly Navel Gazin' Reports™, would there? It is, however, gonna be a bit difficult to report on the condition of my navel this evenin' as it is just a bit too cold for the navel to make any type of appearance where I could possibly gaze at it for awhile. I might have a chance later, upon the goosedown layerin' but I almost positive that there will be no way I am thereafter expose it to frigid air just so I can report on its condition. Well, tell ya what, if I find it in anythin' other than satisfactory condition, I will indeed come back and update this report. If there is no later update, allow that to be your sign that the navel is in great shape.

Now, for a report on somethin' very strange that occurred today, read the extended entry.

I got this call this afternoon from someone. They said, "Hi, this is gave their name, and I need to make amends to you." I said, "Huh? Who is this again?" "Uh, this is gave their name, don't you remember me? We were married about ten years ago." All of a sudden, that first name wormed its way into my recollection, the last name was new, of course. Anyway, we chatted for a bit, mostly about how her mother was found raped and murdered two years ago and about how the kids were now half grown. Not mine, of course, as I still have no kids. Anyway she wanted to meet with me to apologize or somethin'. She ain't gonna ever be able to fix what she broke, but I will let her try. I suspect she is in some 12 step program. I seem to recall that makin' amends to all the people you damaged is part of the plan, so I suspect that is the purpose of the contact. When I told my secretary who it was I had been talkin' to, she said maybe my ex had wanted to get back together with me. I quickly informed her that such was not even a possibility. If you noticed, I did not even mention this person's name, as they have been solely referred to by me for almost a decade solely by the designation of CHB. The C stands for Cold and the H stands for Hearted. I will let you figure out what the B means.

There has been a little more work done

Hey, I was not able to get much done, but did get a little. We also have a new member, and I posted a message about how all the USURP members need to post a welcome comment on the USURP site. I am hopeful that you all will do so. If nothin' else, at least go have a look-see and offer your ideas.

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you ain't connected to the web

So, how about that for a title. So anyway, I have been more than busy today, havin' to go to court early this mornin' and hang around all day while tryin' to work a deal that my client would approve only to have the DA for the third time reset the case because they were plannin' on reindictin' my client. So I finally get back to my office and the cable is down, or I think it is down or somethin'. So, I spend considerable time awaitin' somebody that knows somethin' to get on the line to figure out why my cable is not workin'. So, what was the problem? It seems for some reason, I had to unplug my cable modem, wait a minute, the replug it in. Seems that was what was needed. Why? I don't know, but if ya ain't connected, ya can't blog. Of course, now it is time for me to leave this place and go to the other. Bloggin' may recommence as some later time. I really appreciate my visitors, though.

Of course, I really did think this story would have gotten much more widespread attention than it got. I mean, I worked long and hard concoctin' that story.

Peek-a-boo

Hey, ya'll been jonsin' for a navel report? Hmmm, navel is not as interested in my visitors as another part of my body is. I will let ya figure that out for yourself - it ain't hard.* I am goin' to bed havin' completed my fifth complete day of not havin' taken a single puff a cigarette. My navel loves it in my bed. It stays very warm there. My navel likes it where it is warm. I think that is why all those little fuzzy black** hairs are down there: to keep that navel warm.

{Update: I forgot to officially end the report. End of report.]

*No pun originally intended, but in retrospect, I am takin' credit for it after all.

**I am not absolutely sure there is not a gray hair or two in the mix, though.

When ya look at it that way ---

I dunno, but when I see it presented just right, I see so much humor in politics. Thanks go to Rosemary for an excellent presentation!

City comes up with new method of attracting visitors

South Euclid, Ohio has hit upon a sure scheme to attract new visitors by leakin' word that there is possibly the key to some treasure worth millions to be found somewhere in the city.

Jed told it with a straight face while Owen puzzled over somethin' a bit more bizarre.

I will claim my 15 minutes of fame right now

Additional studies will be conducted by UJ-Labs, however, preliminary results indicate that this phenomenon is genetic, thereby making Tiger the only known individual on the planet with this amazing gift.

Yep, accordin' to this story, there ain't nothin' on this planet better for keepin' ya lookin' young than ingestin' my semen prior to any exposure to air. Line up ladies, 'cause I feel socially compelled to assist as many of ya'll to keep your youthful looks as I possibly can.

I am gonna ponder what I am gonna do to my number one fan, Denita, for havin' brought my deepest darkest secret to light.

Streak still goin' well

Well, awakin' this mornin' makes four days without a cigarette. Today will be the first day back to work, so stress level will increase substantially. Keepin' my fingers crossed.

[UPDATE: Well, still fightin' the urge, but my stress level is really high right now what with my assistant not showin' up on time. She has never been late before, so, to me, that makes the situation more serious than usual.]

Jan. 4, 2004

OK, fate has stepped in and Opus is headed for greener and much less frozen over pastures. Yeah! Still no Bill the Cat or Steve Dallas, but there was a guest shot from Dubya in this one straight from the Difficult Situations Room of the White House. Ya'll can already bet the Dems are gonna have a field day when the news that the administration has allowed the Mars Rover to fall into the hands of Antarctic penguins.

The quest continues

Well, 72 hours without a cigarette and I am still alive. I have heard that one of the other people who was supposed to give up smokin' on New Year's Day has already back-slided and resumed the habit. I have not been in touch with my other friend yet. It was funny how I was plannin' on usin' a whole different tactic involvin' the success of my friend as one essential facet of my stop smokin' plan. As it has evolved, the success of any other person is not essential to my kickin' the habit.

Denita, gum is not an option, but I did purchase several vials of peppermint oil and have been known to squirt a drop of such in my mouth to parry an urge here and there. David has, as usual, provided a top-notch suggestion which had not occurred to me. I will used some of my scattered thoughts to ponder upon it.

I again awoke with the strong urge to locate a cigarette and smoke it but found the urge was easily suppressed. Cool!

Good distractions are hard to find

OK, I awoke early today and day three has been plagued with thoughts of just taking a few puffs of a cigarette at every turn. There is nothing good on TV and none of my movies seemed to interest me, so I guess I will just go for a drive. I think what I really need to get my mind off of smokin' would be to find myself in a tangle of naked women buried somewhere under some soft silky sheets. Oh wait, after it was all over I would definitely be wantin' a cigarette. I think I had just better go for a drive.

Sleepin' my life away!

Well, I did it! I have gone a complete 24 hours and more without a cigarette. The first day went a little easier than I thought it would, but maybe spendin' most of the day curled up in a fetal position under the goose down comforter snoozin' fitfully assisted to ease my cravin's. I am really cravin' a smoke now, so gonna go do somethin' to keep my mind off of my desire to light up and puff another cigarette.

Stay tuned for the Rest of the Story

Well, I suppose several of ya'll assumed I found myself in the predicament described below just because I asked that question, but, alas, I was not so lucky. I actually awoke at 10:00 semi-reclined in my car, with my head poundin', viewin' the side of some buildin' I did not recognize. I have slept most of all day today, somewhat to recover from my partyin' from last eve but also to suppress any desire that I might have to seek out and destroy another cigarette. I suppose few of ya'll recall that today was my official quit day. So far, so good.

My head is still poundin' but less so that earlier. I arose about an hour ago, decidin' that I desperately needed to eat somethin'. Thankfully, Sonic was open and I got a plain and dry steak sandwich and tots. I have found it best not to indulge in a lot of rich, spicy stuff when attemptin' to cure a hangover. My stomach seems to already be havin' enough trouble dealin' with the after-effects of the consumption of large quantities of alcoholic beverages. I am ever so thankful that the hangover consisted primarily of dehydration and dyin' brain cells, with no evidence of nausea.

I am plannin' on now takin' another long hot bath and afterward goin' back to bed. A Hell of a way to start a New Year, I know, but I have actually had worse starts to New Years in past, so overall, I am thinkin' of this one as a fairly successful start.

Awakenin' suddenly to find oneself lost in the world of 2004

Did ya ever wake up at 10:00 a.m. on New Year's Day naked, layin' in a bed full a bunch of naked people that you do not recognize, not havin' the foggiest notion where you are, how you came to be there, or anythin' that occurred since about 2:30 a.m.?